UPGRADING Your Subconscious Beliefs with Bonnie Kelly

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Wellness force radio episode 87 with world renowned speaker, author and transformational coach Bonnie.

In its simplest form really is just that. Your brain is retaining, recording and restoring a negative experience over a positive one as a means of survival. It is happening in real time very rapidly where my body is responding to what it knows based on its past experiencing. So this is negative brain bias. This is how it works in our everyday life. It serves to protect us, but what happens is that the brain has a hard time distinguishing the difference between a perceived threat in an actual threat.

Welcome back to another episode, my friend. I am your host, Josh Trent. Thank you for spending your time with me here on the podcast. This is where every week I'm bringing you access to global experts in all things wellness, behavior change and new technologies. On this podcast you'll learn from exceptional people who are dedicating their lives to being a positive force for our physical and emotional wellness. My intention with the show is that together we we'll discover the connections between our emotions and healthy habits to live our best life and enjoy the process. This episode is brought to you by Perfect Supplements, a company I'm stoked to partner with who truly walks the talk with their values of pesticide free non GMO real food supplements that fuel us for the wellness journey, support the show and save some money in the process. Go to perfectsupplements.com wellnessforce Enter code wellnessforce to get 10% off your entire order. I hope you can feel the excitement in my voice because I am 10 times over pumped to bring you this fresh episode for Bonnie Kelly's return to Wellness Force Radio. I found myself getting so emotionally involved in not only her story, but also in her book. I actually read her book in one day a couple weeks ago. Speaking of books, it's been said in a lot of books for either wellness or personal development that hurt people. Hurt people. And I don't know about you, but I have always been curious about why some people can let go of their hurt from the past and some people can't. It's fascinating and this is why I'm so pumped to share this powerful episode with you. Last year's show, Bonnie Kelly Episode 40 called Getting out of youf Own Way as a Perfect Mirror. Today we're diving three fathoms deeper to talk about the release of Bonnie's new book True to youo Core. As well as the 30 pages, literally 30 pages in my little notebook that I took from reading her book and how excited I am share this with you. On this show we're going to expose what are negative core beliefs and why we are all running on old software. How the brain shifts our behaviors based on what it learned 10,000 plus years ago and what we can do about it. How to identify our core wounds that are blocking us from living a life well, the power of self programming and our health and wellness transformations. The why and how of forgiveness. How to actually place forgiveness in what we'll get from it. How to do it and most importantly, some powerful actions at the end of the show we can all take to finally let go of the crap that doesn't serve us. My friend. And now published author Bonnie Kelly is a renowned speaker and transformational coach. She has helped thousands of individuals reprogram the subconscious mind to break free from self destructive thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Through Bonnie's methodology, all of us can release insecurities and limiting perceptions to become the person we long to be. And as Bonnie says, insecurities are just weeds of the mind and needing to be pulled. So we're only scratching the surface of this incredible brain training and development found in her book. But I think what you're really going to connect with like I did is beyond just her intelligence and the scientific rationale of her work is her story. Her incredibly vulnerable and powerful story of overcoming some of the worst odds I could ever imagine for any human being going through learning why she almost took her own life after being sexually abused by a family member only to have her own family then turn their back on her to becoming a world class leader and flip it all around to help thousands of people every year with a goal of helping 100 million people step into their power like she stepped into hers. This is another one of my favorite episodes. Let's jump right in to this incredibly powerful and inspiring conversation with Bonnie Kelly. Bonnie Kelly, welcome back to the show.

Hey Josh, thanks so much for having me.

I am so excited. This is round two. Round one, interestingly enough was called Getting out of youf Own Way. Today we're gonna talk about you got out of your own way but you launched you and your community to the stratosphere. Thanks so much for coming on the show and sharing your gifts with us. Bonnie.

Oh, Josh. It is my honor to be back here with you guys in the Wellness for Crew. It's just such a fun way to connect with. With you and your people. Like, you guys are my peeps and I love being here. So thank you.

And we love you. You know, I read your book in one sitting. I have a book filled with highlighter. I have 30 pages of notes. But we're only going to have time for 10. But they're going to be a really powerful 10. This book touched me in a very, very unique. Was reading the book and I was thinking to myself, why did I not read this before? Because I had flashbacks with my parents. I had ways that I'm going to grow. I had assignments that I completed. So let's talk about your book right up front. You know, this True to youo Core. Why did you name it True to youo Core? And then we'll get into some science.

Yeah. So it's because, like, these beliefs, a lot of. A lot of what we believe is locked in our subconscious mind. And those beliefs are installed more often than not in our childhood. And what happens is that when they lock into your subconscious, that they go unchallenged and undetected, then they become part of your identity, and it starts playing out as a thread in a common theme throughout your entire adult life without your conscious awareness of where it came from or why you believe it. And it's so true. It's true to your core. And that's why we titled the book that.

So it's something that's branded. And the analogy you make many times in the book is around a computer. You know, something interesting came up for me. I'm realizing, not only from your work, but from a lot of people we've had on the show. We are all programmed with old wiring. So we're cavemen and cave women in this modern world. And I feel like it's an issue because, as you state in your book, the subconscious mind controls 80% of what we do on a daily basis. Does that mean there's only 20% that we're conscious of? Bonnie?

Well, you can expand that, but yeah. And actually, interesting enough, I actually heard, I was talking to another scientist not too long ago, and he was actually saying that now the new studies that are coming out are showing that it's about 90% of what your subconscious mind controls. And if you think this, right, because a lot of people, like, kind of have a hard time really understanding what that is. And I love that you brought up this computer analogy. So what we reference in the book is that your computer has got two main components. So you have the desk monitor, and then you have the tower. Well, they both depended on each other to work together to really be able to transmit information for you, to be able to see and to understand. But the tower has all the programs stored. And this is kind of your subconscious and your conscious. And the subconscious mind is where you're going to have all of this information from your history about who you think you are, how you show up to the world and what you think, how you fit into it. All of that, you know, got programmed into the mind, you know, when we were in our developmental stages. And a lot of that is still operating, and some of it, you know, and some of it. And most of us have viruses that got installed on accident that are now wreaking havoc in our adult lives.

And I really want people to let that sit for a moment, because this analogy, this metaphor of our mind, the computer. You know, Bonnie, the definition of computer is an electronic device for storing and processing data, typically in binary form and according to instructions given to it. There's also a secondary definition, and this one hit home. This is a person who makes calculations, especially with a calculating machine. So as we're kids, are we calculating?

Yes. Oh, my gosh. That's like. I'm totally stealing that. Josh. That is amazing. That is fantastic. But, yes, when we're children, we're just like sponges, right? We are absorbing information. We're trying to understand ourselves, but our brains are kind of working against us a little bit. Like, we lack this ability to be able to separate things from ourselves. We don't have this concept of perception or perspective. So everything that we're experiencing kind of is taken personal, right? It's, like, happening because of us. Like when Mommy and Daddy go through a bad divorce because we weren't enough, or we didn't do it right. When we experienced trauma, whether it was some kind of physical violence, sexual violence of any sort, a lot of times, especially in our pre adolescence, we accept that as our fault. Even when you're the victim, you'll blame yourself. I should have known better. I was old enough to do something. You accept all of this stuff, and it doesn't get challenged. And so it just kind of soaks into the subconscious, and the subconscious says, okay, this is what I believe to be true. And then it just kind of just runs on autopilot in the background, and it's influencing a lot of how we think and how we feel in our conscious. Reality. And a good example of this, right? When we talk about how powerful the subconscious, if you just evaluate your day, right? Like, I mean, you know, it's morning for me right now in California, and whatever time you guys are listening to this, really stop for a moment, think about your day. Did you have to really know how to make yourself breakfast, how to get dressed, how to tie your shoes, how to drive your car? Like, all of these tasks that are mundane, you're able to do them and think of other things, you're able to do them without even really focus or concentration. The reason why that is possible is because at some point in our lives, we have trained, we have installed a program into the subconscious that says, this is how you do this task. And we do it on autopilot, right? Like, if you get dressed. Josh, that was a tongue twister for me. You probably put your right leg in first all the time on automatic, without even thinking about it, right? Like, that is just how you've taught yourself to do that. Habit. And, you know, so if we ever decide to change these things, we really have to put a lot of attention and focus into concentrating to say, okay, left leg first. Left leg first. And if you don't have a way to remind yourself and you don't have a way to sort of hijack the brain, then you'll just automatically default, put the right leg in and not think about it and move on. Well, those are fine for constructive programs, but it's when we get these destructive ones saying that I'm not enough, I'm not worthy, I'm unlovable, I'm a failure, I'm weak. Now, if that got programmed, that still exists and is infecting your relationships, your decisions, your success, your finances, your everything. And that's what, you know, we wrote the book to get people to say, like, wake up, let's do something about this.

And not only do you have the experience with clients, you know, 10 plus years of coaching people one on one, you know, tens of thousands of hours in this. But you have a unique story. We're gonna talk about your story in the middle of this show. But I really want to let people know, just to pause here, that childhood is when these viruses are installed. And by the way, they're not installed intentionally. I mean, it's not like parents wake up and say, how am I gonna ruin my child's life? You know, that's not what goes down. But you have a unique way you explain this. It's called ncbs. These are negative core beliefs. These are false beliefs that are formed or conceived through our thoughts, feelings, interpretations and experiences. And these are unfortunately installed in childhood. Tell us about that.

Yeah, so the negative core beliefs, you know, this is just a way for you to be able to kind of really map out what's going on in the subconscious mind. And when we really dig into this, right, we can find these pivotal moments, these life altering moments in our childhood that were painful, traumatic, dramatic, or just life altering. And when we can really be begin to examine those and really say, okay, when I was like, here's a great example. And I don't think I gave this one in the book, but when I was in, I think, oh my gosh, I was 13. So I think that was the eighth grade. I got kicked out of band, right? Like, this is, I mean, this is just a funny story. Like who gets kicked out of band, right? Like, I think that's like a new personal best, right? So the reason why I did was because if you guys were anybody's a band geek, I was always last chair, right? Like, so every week you had to like compete against all the other people. And I was, was always last. Always last. And what happened? One day my teacher just lost it and said in front of the entire band and we had a huge band. He's just like, you know what? I don't know why you keep trying. You're never going to get it. It'd be better for all of us if you just went down and quit right now. So here is this extremely humiliating, embarrassing moment. So now you got to remember, I'm 13, so I don't have the ability to separate this stuff from myself. Really. I'm not really comprehending that. Okay? The teacher's having a bad day. He's taking it out on me. That might not have anything to do with me. This is everything to do with me. I am stupid. That's what I'm getting from this. I can't do anything right. And as I'm walking down to go to the counselor's office to actually quit, I'm crying. And now in this moment, I have this seed planted in my mind. Now if we really look at this, there's no way that that band teacher would have wanted me to move forward in my life. I haven't even got into high school. No way that I think he would ever want me to feel that I'm not enough for years to come. But that's what was planted from that moment. And because it was left unchallenged, that core belief was installed in My mind and it starts to attach itself to my identity. And now what happens is all of my consciousness is out there looking for evidence to support and validate and reinforce that belief as truth. And this is where the mind begins to work against you.

I'm feeling that actually being in band practice and like having the finger pointed at me and feeling that emotion. Like when we're kids, things can become very powerful because we're only to a point, psychologically developed enough to kind of deal with just normal living. But when these big stressors come up, this activates what you call a negative brain bias that, let's face it, we all have, you know, we talked about, we're all running on old software. We're cavemen, we're cave women. The brain stores these negative emotions. You actually said the brain stores them in the filing cabinet in the front drawer for easy access. So this human trait, this evolutionary trait, this is human evolution. It kept us alive by allowing us to be in tribes. And when we perceived a threat or when we made a mistake, we felt that emotion which reminded us to not do it again. But Bonnie, in my research for our interview, you know, I came across long term potentiation. This is neuroscience, where it's a persistent strengthening of synapses based on recent patterns of activity. This opposite is long term depression. Not depression like sad, but depression where it removes that synaptic wiring which produces long lasting decrease in the strength of the negative brain bias. Unpack a little bit like what you did with negative brain bias in your work, why you touched on that, why are we running on this old software?

Yeah, dude, this is so powerful. So the negative brain bias, like Josh was saying in its simplest form, really is just that your brain is retaining, recording and restoring a negative experience over a positive one as a means of survival. So I'm going to use an example, and since I'm a chick, I'm just going to use a girl example in this one. So guys, just bear with me. But I think you'll get my point is that in its simplest form, if I'm curling my hair with a hot curling iron and say I'm dancing, I'm not paying attention and all of a sudden I drop that curling iron. I think every lady has made this mistake where you've attempted to catch the falling curling iron and you know what happens? You get burnt. And immediately when you get burnt, right, you're just like, oh my gosh, ouch, I'm not going to do that again. Well, the brain's like, okay, falling curling iron Equals threat. Store that in the front of the mind. This is dangerous to your health. So now let's flash forward months later, and I'm curling my hair again. And the curling iron drops. Without even thinking, my body reacts and I jump back, my hands go up, and I'm like, let it break. I don't even care how much it's going to cost. I am not going after this thing. Right. Well, that happens so rapidly. Like, there's no time for me to consciously think about should I or should I not catch this, Right? It is happening in real time, very rapidly, where my body is responding to what it knows based on its past experiencing. So this is negative brain bias. This is how it works in our everyday life. It serves to protect us. But what happens is that the brain has a hard time distinguishing the difference between a perceived threat and an actual threat. So now the curling iron dropping is an actual threat. Let's say that over years of conditioning that I have, my brain has decided to label men as threatened, right? Because they've broken my heart, they've betrayed me, they've lied to me, they've cheated on me, they've beaten me, right? So, like, in my mind, my brain is like, okay, men equal threat. So because of that, now my body is. Or my reaction, emotionally, mentally, is to no longer trust, to not be vulnerable, to not connect, to not open up, to be on guard. Right? Now, over time, what Josh is saying is, like, over time, like, if I don't ever recognize this pattern, if I don't ever change this pattern, that my brain, like the. It's actually another way of calling it is like the neuroplasticity of the mind will just kind of folk, like, hone in on this is truth. Okay? And so what happens is that the synapses really kind of resonates every time I see a man talk to a man, that this part of the brain flares up. Threat. Threat. Okay.

Yes.

And so what we have to do is recognize that this is how the brain is kind of working against us. Now, I just learned this statistic the other day, and I thought it was so fascinating, Josh, that every time we make. So this is how it always will form until we make a new choice. Now, here's something crazy with every new choice that we make, that the synapses will generate 2,000 new connections per new decision. However, if that. If our brain is. If we go back to repeating the old patterns and not stay consistent with the new, then that will drop down to just a few hundred. So that means that all of those new neural connections and I actually think I messed up on those numbers. I'll have to get back to you on that, Josh. I believe it actually was maybe like, I can't think of it off of my head.

Even if it's two, it's still powerful.

Yeah. It's just insane. Like, after three days of not reinforcing the new habit, all of these new connections. And those new connections are what allow you to change emotionally and mentally into a new form of being. Right. So you can actually get out of depression, you can get out of worthlessness, you can get out of this. Men are bad. Right. But if we don't reinforce it, it'll drop down dramatically. And so that's why that power of repetition comes in. And what we teach a lot in all of our programs and our coaching is that not only to untangle the subconscious, the supporting evidence, but now it's like, what? How can we start to change the format of the mind? And we teach on different NLP techniques and different. Just what I call brain hacking techniques. Right. To change that neuroplasticity, to reinforce the new connections. And while we're doing that, the old ones start to die off, and then we can start to really, truly transform at the cellular level in the mind.

I love that we touch so much on the file cabinet being the front drawer. We're wired for evolutionary kind of fight or flight. But there is a stage that you talk about in your book, and it's the conception stage. This is where we're at 8 years old or 7 years old, and it's a little weak. These events that have happened, the belief is a little weak. It hasn't wreaked total havoc because there's not enough evidence or support to fully make it a functioning program. But like you mentioned, if we don't challenge this, if the things that happen to us or happen for us when we're 8, when we're 10, when we're 13, if we don't challenge them and create new meaning with them, what happens then?

That's when the brain actually starts working against us. So this is a great analogy. Right? So Josh is talking about here is that once these beliefs. So we have these traumatic experiences. Like if we're using that example of me getting kicked out of band right in this moment, it plants a seed in my mind that says, you're not enough. Now, if someone would have sat me down and really said, okay, Bonnie, you know, like, this is just him having a bad day, I can understand how difficult that Is, well, what was going on that caused you to kept being in last chair. Right. We would have been able to recognize that. Well, I don't have any. I'm not able to play this instrument at home. I'm working on broken reeds. There was all these other reasons of why I was failing, right. It was more than just I sucked, okay. But because there wasn't that, you know, that somebody taking that time and it's not my parents fault, it's no one's fault because no one knew better. Right. This information wasn't available. Right. People are just like, suck it up. Right?

Yeah. Throw some dirt on it, get back out there.

Yeah, exactly right. And because of that, you know, like it just, that seed gets planted. Now what happens is the brain doesn't like a mystery. So now it's looking out into the world and saying, okay, is this true or not? I need to know, am I good enough or not? Now mind you, I'm 13, I'm about to enter into high school. And if we can remember back to that time frame, how many opportunities do you think that a 14 year old girl is going to have to perceive that she's not enough? Just in those four years, probably 600. So what happens is every time I perceive that me failing a test, this guy breaking up with me, this group of friends rejecting me, every time I perceive that because I'm not enough. Now that story, this new experience is reinforcing the story and the identity crisis of that negative belief. I'm not enough. And it gains and gains and gains momentum until it becomes so big that there's no more question in my mind whether or not this is true or not. I believe it to be true to my core. Like it is my. This is how I identify myself. Hi, my name is Bonnie Kelly and I'm not good enough. And that's what begins to wreak havoc in every, all of my decisions from that point forward. Because now that is, that subconscious is in the background. And just like a computer, this program doesn't in the subconscious, doesn't have feelings, it doesn't have, you know, anything except for it knows that this is how we perceive. So when you fail, this belief gets triggered and then that becomes the experience and all of the pain that's associated with it comes into the new experience with everything that I do moving forward.

Yeah, Bonnie, in this validation part too, I mean, unless we have evidence, unless we are validating, yes, this event happened because I'm not worthy, because I'm fat, because I'm just Not a good wife, whatever it might be. The brain searches to validate not only the conception stage, but also just to continually validate the identity of who we feel we. And it's unique because your story, we're gonna talk about your story in just a minute here. Your story is tremendous because you came from a lot of abuse. Not just mental, but physical abuse. You've transcended that. There was a lot of work that you did. But for people that don't know about this validation process, tell us about the memories that, you know, support this and then how that impacts the ncbs.

Yes, wonderful. So, okay, so one of the beliefs that, you know, that really got installed in my mind when I was right about 5 years old was that I'm unlevel. Okay? So that was through one of the experiences we talk about in the book of being ripped away from my father. Now, this whole traumatic experience was just a bad divorce between mommy and daddy. But as a five year old little girl, right, I don't have that ability to recognize that. And you know, my mother's words, you know, was just her working out her own pain, you know, saying like, well, when we say, why did daddy leave? It's because Daddy doesn't love us anymore. Well, that little girl doesn't hear us, she just hears, daddy doesn't love you. And so what happens is every time my mom is like, just, she's angry at the situation and I don't understand that. And I'm perceiving it, she's validating that this belief that you're not lovable, you're not lovable, you're not lovable. So she's unconsciously doing this. And in the same token, right now we have a whole new family. My mom gets remarried and all of these people, and there's all of these that they just, they don't believe in divorce. They're not happy about having adopted children. And you can feel it even as a kid, right? You're always the oddball, right? The other kids don't want to play with you. You know, you're just kind of like, kind of cast off to the side. I mean, and because of that, like now that's reinforcing the story. So every new experience is just like, well, that's happening because I'm not lovable. I'm not lovable. But even as a kid, I'm not really aware of it. Like, I'm not even that conscious of it. It isn't until much later when I be. I'm able, you know, right. After about 14, we can still, we start to kind of really kind of accept our identity of who we think we are. And right at that age is where all of these things that were lurking, the subconscious is what we kind of say launches and it becomes part of the active programming that's playing out in your decision making. And so because this existed, what kind of guys do you think I dated during that timeframe, Josh?

Well, I mean, from reading your book, I already know this story, but it's definitely guys that probably were not healthy for the mind or body, right?

Because if I believe that I'm unlovable and I'm not enough, am I going to date a guy who's healthy, worthy and financially stable? No. I'm going to date guys that validate subconsciously. I'm just going to be attracted to guys that are familiar to me. And what's familiar to me are people who are going to validate that I'm not lovable, I'm not enough, that they won't do anything, you know, to support their abusive physically or mentally, and it just perpetuates the story and then that'll end and then I'm out there dating again. And I like to use the analogy like this, Josh. When you're single, if you walk into a bar and there's 10 people sitting at the stool, okay? And so there's guys that are from that feel that they're worthless, that are abusive to women all the way down to the 10th one, which is like very supportive, loving, completely stable, loves and accepts themselves and wants to co create a relationship, okay? And everything in between when I walk into that bar are I'm just going to be unconsciously attracted to the energy or the vibration or the mindset that is going to be familiar to me. So even though all of these other amazing guys are there that can help be that support to me, I won't even notice them because they don't fit my belief system. And this is where that programming is really showing up and wreaking havoc as an adult. Because here I go perpetuating dating the same types of people that reinforce the belief that men are bad, that reinforces the belief that I'm unlovable and my story perpetuates and my story perpetuates as I continue on. And same thing within your job, or if you started your own job, it'll just show up and it continues to just validate and validate and it becomes a common theme throughout your whole life, all because of a belief that got installed in Your mind on accident as a kid.

I'm feeling that so much because I am actually, you know, I'm 36. I'm on my journey. I'm on my healing journey, just like we all are. There's no finish line. We had Gretchen Rubin on the show. You know, she wrote an incredible array of books around habits and the mind, and she actually said that there is no finish line. You talk about that in your book. That, you know, really, this work is something that we just get to surrender and kind of relax into. But, Bonnie, I'm in the bar. Of course, if my brain is putting out energy and if my body is putting out a vibration that I'm only worth this much, I need this type of person. But it's running, and we don't even know it's running. So this experience, then, if we continue to get these lessons pulled in and magnetically attracted to us. Has anyone out there been in this situation? I'm sure you have been, where you continue to learn the same lesson over and over and over again, and there's frustration around why you're learning it. Well, Bonnie is teaching us why. I mean, this computer in our brain, how would these NCBS get stored? What kind of old software we're running from on this negative brain bias. This is the reality of our brain right now. You know, technology is growing super fast. Bonnie, you and I talked about all the systems that you use to serve millions of people, but our brain, it's this old software. The power of programming. How do we get over this? How do we actually break through this? And then I want to dive so deep into your story because there's a lot of context as to why, you know, what you know, you know, the.

Process of untangling it is a journey, Josh, just like you said. I mean, it's. It's. It's not do this and that. Everything's. It's. Everything's better, right?

There's no templates.

Yeah. Well, we teach methodologies, and we're going to teach you about what's going on, but it require you to do the work in the discovery phrase. Right? So what I mean by that is, like how your brain bias, how your experiences have fixated themselves in the brain, Josh, is unique to you, just like mine was unique to me. Now, I can show you what it is and ask the right questions and give you the right tools to help you understand, to help you diagnose, but what it is and why it is that is solely unique to you. They say that neurologically, that those Firing connections, the frequencies. So how you perceive, interpret it and how you experience reality is unique to you. Like your thumbprint that neurologically you are an endangered species. People like you cannot, no one can think and act and react the way that you do. But how your brain is installing these things is similar, right? So now we can follow these methodologies in the discovery phase. But it requires a tremendous amount of work on your part to not only discover, but now, as we were talking about before the. That part of changing the neuro frequency of the mind, that is through using techniques on a regular basis to rewire the brain, to go back to practicing forgiveness, to practice the detangling, to retell the story. All of these things are an ongoing basis until your brain has killed off the old way of thinking and the new way of thinking has seeded and taken hold in the mind so you can be a completely transformed person. And I love this because it's so easy. Like when people like look at me for example, and you've met me, Josh, right? It's so easy to see this bubbly, like, you know, here's this happy person, she has no idea, right?

The first time I met you, I was like, this girl's never had any problems.

And that's normal, right? Because like when people ask me like, you know, like they're so shocked when they hear like the truth. And it's because I'm that true. Te testament like that true. Like I am so transformed that my old identity does not exist at all in how I communicate and who I connect with, in my being, in my essence, in my soul. None of it is present anymore. But I committed to doing the work, to end the old way and to begin a new way. And it takes a serious commitment and some serious time and a lot of help, you know, I mean, you gotta get support. You have to have a community. And it really is about moving and perpetuating that forward. And that's a big part of what my mission is now, is to help people do just that.

A big part of our emotional health comes from how we feed our body and how satiated we are throughout the day. It's hard to treat other people well and think good thoughts if you're walking around hangry. One of the best ways to cure satiety and satiation is to add in powdered collagen into your drinks, your water, waters and into your foods. I use perfect supplements. Collagen, it's sourced from 100% grass fed cows. That means there's no hormones, synthetics or pesticides. Because these are healthy cows that eat grass. These sick cows eat corn. So beyond these healing powers of collagen for digestion and joint health, it also has 20 grams of protein in two scoops, which helps to curb appetite and increase that satiety. One of the cool things about this powdered collagen is there's individual packets. You can mix it in one water and you know what? It tastes like water. I mean, suddenly my glass has 10 grams, 20 grams of protein. And all the health benefits of having this non GMO pasteurized collagen in my body. Give me some. So don't walk around hangry. Pick up your grass fed collagen. Feel better in your emotional body and your physical body every day. It's part of the Wellness Force radio audience bundle. That's a heavily discounted package just for this audience. Go to perfectsupplements.com wellnessforce Enter code wellnessforce and save 10% on top. Top of the already discounted package. And you're on path to help 100 million people when it comes to fueling from your story and this story. Honestly, Bonnie, like, there was times where my eyes welled up reading your book. And I told you this before we recorded, but I want to say it to the audience. You guys absolutely have to get this book. And I'm not saying that to get more copies out there. I'm saying that because this book empowered me so much. You should see right here at my podcast station, I have a notebook and it's filled with 10 pages of assignments from Bonnie's book. And I interview a lot of people, so. So everyone is gonna pick up this book because of your vulnerability. And the vulnerability that really hit me in the chest was you were five and your biological father and mother were fighting. You mentioned in your book that your parents do their best based on their operating system, but Your mom was 19 when she had you, and they moved around a lot. There was, you know, your dad was in the military, so they kind of grew up with their own negative programming, which led them to you being five and being yanked out of one of their hands. What did that mean at that moment? I mean, what did that feel like to be five years old, eating ice cream at the table and then having someone rip you out of a parent's hand?

Right. You know, that was so up until that point. And in the story, you know, we really lead up to that moment. Right? I mean, there was already all of this anxiety. My brother and I hadn't seen our dad for a good six months. My mom had already moved on. Like, we were living in this other house with this other guy. My mom was. I'm not sure if she was pregnant or she already had my brother. I can't remember. But, like, there was always of this, like, this anxiety inside, like, he's not around. And my mother was in this place where she was angry. She wanted him to disappear. She just wanted him to be gone because they. We had an ugly divorce. But as a kid, you don't know that, right? That she's trying to shelter us from it. So you're kept in the dark. And I think a lot of divorces happen this way, you know, where the kids are trying to just like, left to their own accord to try to, you know, understand what's happening, right? And, you know, so she's like, every time we try to approach it, you know, it's like he doesn't care about us, right? Because she felt that he didn't care about her. But that's. So her frustration is coming out in this language. But as a kid, all I felt is that he doesn't love you, he doesn't want you. He's gone. And so that day, we get to finally see him is this moment of celebration. My brother and I were just. I remember it was like when that song Kokomo, I think it was Beach Boys. My dad had a Firebird, right? And a car. And I remember standing in the back seat. So this was before seatbelt loss. Okay. And we're driving and I'm dancing the song. We're just having. Having this amazing time, you know, connecting with him. And the night just turned dark very quickly. And, you know, to be able to be taken away, you know, in that way, to see the disparity, to see the fighting, to see, you know, my mom is weeping, like, all of this chaos, like, as a kid, you just are like, you know, something's desperately wrong in that moment.

Did you ever look back on that and realize the exact negative program which led your mom to react so incredibly harsh to your dad at that time? And I know this isn't about pointing fingers. A lot of your story is around healing. So that's really the lens of which we're looking through this. But looking back when you were five, like, what was the negative programming? I was so curious reading your book. What do you think she had in her brain at that moment?

So this actually comes through, you know, much later. So in the healing process, you know, after you can get out of your victim Ness, right? And you recognize. Okay, yes, I was a victim to these abuses or these stories. And you start to heal. You recognize that the people who raised you are worse, wounded, and that they're broken and that they're hurt. And when you start to really examine that, it takes a while to get to that phase, I think, for most people. But when you can really look back, honestly, Josh, I know that she was operating on not being enough, not mattering and not being lovable herself. Like, those were present when I really start to think about it. And as I grew up, those were show up in her belief system and her languaging and her, like, interpretations over and over and over again. And if I'm being honest, like, that's something I know she still struggles with today. I know she does. And so that is now where I can actually start to have empathy and understanding for where she's at, because she was doing her best, you know, raising us. But when you have defective programming and you don't know how to untangle it and you don't have any guidance around that, the best you can do is to operate from that place. And so she raised us from the place of the only place she knew, which was her own dysfunction and brokenness.

The power of that is that I'm thinking about my relationships with my parents. I'm going to talk about that in just a minute. And the lessons that I've Learned in my 30s. Oh, my gosh, Bonnie. Probably like just being around people like you, going to trainings like mastering transformational training and doing landmark and all these different things, they uncovered so much in me. And speaking of uncovering, you know, three years later, four years later, you're eight years old, you meet this family friend. His identity is concealed because of just some different legal ramifications that are out there. But let's talk about this piece, because this one was where you really got to explain experience a lot of pain. You were 8, and this person had a deep connection with your family. He was kind of a bankroller. He would buy things for the family. So he was an integral piece of a situation that I came from as well. My family lived paycheck to paycheck. I was raised on welfare, so it's government cheese and, you know, no produce kick cereal. And what did that look like for you? And what happened when you were eight with this gentleman who. Well, he wasn't really a gentleman. Gentlemen.

Yeah. You know, this was probably one of the hardest stories, you know, to really come out, because my family, there's so much shame around this. And, you know, so this is one of the biggest reasons, I mean my family to still to this day, I mean, they're so upset with me that I have been so vulnerable about these stories and putting the truth out there. And you know, so this guy at 8 years old. So if you can imagine, I already have. You know, dad's been gone now, like dad's been gone. I haven't talked to him since I was 17. You don't know who he is? We had to refer to him as Mr. Nobody. So growing up, my mom wanted us to just forget about this guy. So I have all of this turmoil. My stepfather is this great guy in his own way, but he's very distant. He just kind of stepped into being a father, a newborn because him and my mom had a kid. And having a seven and a six year old run it around, it must have been very challenging. So he was always kind of out in the garage. You never really got to connect with him as much. And you know, so there's a part of me that really longed, you know, and I didn't realize this until later but you know, for like an authority male figure to become my father. And so here comes this person in our lives, you know, who's just a deeply connected to our family, who's extremely wealthy and I mean, you know, it was just unreal to connect with their lifestyle because our lifestyle was so different. I mean, my parents bought a two bedroom house and we had a family of five and my dad was remodeling it over the years to try to, you know, turn it into three bedrooms. And so for a while, you know, like my parents were sleeping in the living room and I over in this corner with my brother and you know, so to go to this place where they have elevator in the house, they have an indoor pool, they have wings, right? You just mesmerize. And this guy sexually violated me. And it was right around 8 years old. You know, you had built up this trust and that's when the molestation started. And what was crazy was that at that time you're so scared and you're so conflicted, but you're so, you know, in awe with this person. And they have so much power over you, you know, where you don't, you know it's wrong, but you don't know what's wrong. And their language is, you don't want to get in trouble now do you? And so it reinforces stay stuck a.

Bigger piece of that too, Bonnie. And I have to be honest with you, at one point I Took a bathroom break from your. Your book. And I slammed the book down. Like, I was angry because once this actually was found out, years later, you were meeting with. It was the lawyer, I believe, and it was your parents, and it was his wife, the offender's wife. And at that moment, you were forced to make a incredulous decision. Just something that I can't even imagine that somebody would have to make at that age. What happened at that lawyer meeting and what did your subconscious mind link to at that moment?

Right. So what was crazy is I actually didn't know I was going into a meeting with a lawyer. Like, I came home, I was working at that time. And so right about 14, I was living with my friends more than I was living with my family. You know, I was into all kinds of. You know, I was starting to get into trouble. I was trying to figure. Trying to figure myself out. I was really struggling emotionally and mentally because every time, you know, birthday would come up, we'd have to be around this family friend. And every time, you know, holiday was up, we were around this family friend. And so I was continually to be abused, right? And so I finally confided in my boyfriend and unknowns to me, which I made him swear he would never tell anybody. And, you know, talking about the ultimate betrayal, which then, of course, revalidated my programming. But here we have this guy that I trusted, and he doesn't know what to do, this information. So he goes to tell a school counselor who calls child protective services, who calls the police, and my life is flipped upside down at 14. And, you know, because this has been my deep, deep secret, like, we don't tell anybody. I don't want to get in trouble. And sure enough, like, the police are around. I'm getting into trouble, right? And really they're trying to tell me that I'm not. But there's. I'm so in panic. My parents are in disbelief. And, you know, so. So this person ended up admitting. But he only admitted to one time, and he's very wealthy, so he's got attorneys. So I remember coming home one day and my family was saying, okay, we gotta take you somewhere. And I said, where are we going? They're like, don't worry about it. And they get me in the car, and we just drive, and I'm terrified. I'm like, are we gonna go see him? And they're like, no. I'm like, what's going on? They're like, don't worry about it. And we show up to an attorney office and inside is waiting his wife, who's a close friend and she grizzly bear hugs me and she's just like, I'm so, so I'm here for you, whatever you need. And they sit me down with this attorney. So all three of these people who I trust, who are supposed to be my guidance, my therapy, my family, and they're sitting with this attorney and the attorney starts to tell us, says, hey, we don't want you, we don't want to create any trauma and you don't want to break up your family, do you? He's going to go get treatment. We're absolutely. He's going to get better. It'll never happen again. But we need you to sign this piece of paper that says you made a it all up. We need you to sign this because otherwise you're going to break up your family and you don't want that. Now hear the language, Josh. There's so much manipulation that's happening here. My family is sitting there like encouraging you. Like at 14, you don't have the ability to be able to say no, send him to jail, right? You have to sign this. Which he did, go get treatment. And then what ended up happening is he got released early and he never stopped being.

There's key events that happen for all of us. Anyone listening? Maybe it's a death in the family, maybe it is sexual abuse, maybe it's being teased or getting in a bad fight. We all have a handful of very, very pivotal moments. And I feel like from reading your book, this was a moment where it was just so incredibly, not just unfair, but just really mean spirited on the part of the lawyer to try to cover this up. But my question is, Bonnie, in that moment, you know, you're 14, you're sitting in a lawyer office, you're petrified. There's been abuse that's been going on for years. What was going through your parents mind at that time to not take your side?

So for them, you know, because this person was just such, you know, a beautiful person in their life for so many years that they truly just wanted to believe it did only happen once and that he was sorry and that he's a good Christian man and that he's got, he's going to go get help and it'll be all better. They wanted so bad for the family to just go back to being where it was and not have a rift or break up their family, you know, where their kids would not have a father or to have this public scandal, you know, so everybody was in fear. And they're. And they're absolutely just trying to figure out the best way to contain it. Like, I don't believe in their minds that they were just like, okay, how can we just get her to continue to get abused and hurt? Like, I don't believe that was any part of their attention. They truly, truly, still, to this day, Josh, still to this day believe it only happened once, and I made up to the rest.

Wow.

Yeah. So that's something that I had to work a lot of forgiveness on because, you know, I have multiple times have tried to explain to them, like, no, it did not stop. No, that continued. It got worse. And they're like, no, it didn't. No, it didn't. No, it didn't. And so that's taken me a long time to really be able to heal through that in the face of, you know, that rejection.

And there's a lot more to forgive because life was not easy for you after this point. You traveled around a lot, lot. And, you know, on our last episode, we'll link that in the show notes today@wellnessforce.com true to your core, you talked about how wherever you went, you would go to different states, but you took along your subconscious mind with you, and one addiction kind of turned into another. I've talked about on the show how I've had a food addiction where food became a way for me to numb out. And you went from being abused, having your family turn their back on you, to going from state to state, getting in of front with a really, really disingenuous person who was into drugs. And then finally, you're 21 years old, you're in a hotel room, you come back home because you were looking for money. You were broke.

At this point, I was desperate after.

All these years, and you call your mom. What did she say? She said, oh, you can go work for the.

Yeah, the family friend.

What was she thinking at that moment? Based on you sitting in that courtroom?

You gotta remember that in their minds, it happened once and never happened again. He said he was sorry. He got help. So this is the hard part. I know this is the biggest thing people will ask me, and they're just like, what is wrong with us?

I was furious.

Yeah, I totally get it. And I spent years and years and years there. But because this is just so big, it's so disgusting, it's so dysfunctional that they cannot wrap their heads around it. They cannot wrap their heads because this is a. To them. I mean, he's such a. He's like A huge influencer in the town. He donates so much money. He is a leader in their community. He's huge with the church. Like, there's just no way that they can wrap their heads around that. He is that broken.

Yeah.

And so because they can't believe it, they're gonna operate from this place that there isn't a problem. There isn't a problem. So they're in just such denial about it.

Josh, you're in this hotel room. You're 21. You had gotten paid, I think, $300 to drive around the offender who did such terrible things to you at 8 years old. And here you are, 21.

Well, 8 years old, 9 years old, 10 years old. I mean, it happen years.

What hit me was just the serious seriousness of this moment. Because you thought, you know what, I've experienced enough pain and I want to leave the planet. And you're sitting there and you're about to slit your wrist. And right at that moment, like, I got chills when I read this. Your ex boyfriend calls and you knew that you had to pick it up, walk us through that moment.

So this guy that I dated, so remember, you know, like Josh was saying, my. My core belief system is I'm worthless now. Right? Like, because that's where it really rooted into that. I'm just worthless. I have no purpose because I'm unlovable, because I'm not enough, because I'm a failure. All of these to be true. So when I list in the book the 10 Most Common, I was operating on all of them. Like, every one of them was true to me. Like, I was just in such a place of despair. I have made so many mistakes. So because I was living my life from this place that I'm worthless, right. I became addicted to drugs. I was in and out of jail, I was in and out of rehab. I was barely showing up for school. I was, you know, dead end job to dead end job. I was dating like abusive dysfunctional person after abusive dysfunctional person. Right. I was just. Just the what? The black sheep of my family. So like Josh was saying, I kind of just got up like a gypsy and I moved from state to state and I kind of got stuck in Mississippi for a little while because I got stuck with this guy and he wasn't like any of the other guys. Like this one was. I mean, he, like to give you kind of some perspective, his father at the time was the Health Angels president.

Wow. That is not in the book.

It's not. So this is how dysfunctional this guy was right. And so this guy, the reason why he's down there, I find this out later. The reason why he's down there is because he's hiding. Because he actually had shot into a crowd of people, and he wasn't sure if he killed multiple people. And so he was hiding from the law. So I didn't know this, but this is the person I attracted as my boyfriend, right. To give you guys some perspective of how dysfunctional that is. And, you know, I mean, he's like. I mean, would just beat my face in. Like, if you leave, I'm not gonna murder you. I'm gonna murder the people around you, right? So. Because I'm gonna make it hurt in a way that you are gonna have to live with that because it's on you, right? So I. You're just trapped, right? And so I'm with this guy, and I finally. It took about a year to escape. And when I say escape, like, it took a year. Like, he blew up my car at one point, like, drain the oil because he suspected I was going to try to leave.

Wow.

And my car blew up in 20 miles leaving that place. So, like, just so much dysfunction around this. And I finally get away from this place, you know? But I knew if he ever, like, if he ever contacts, you got to answer. Because he was gracious enough to kind of let me go, Right? So you have to, like, there's just so much fear around this. And I was afraid for my family's life, my friend's life. So I'm like, okay, I gotta take this call. And, you know, so I'm in the state of complete despair. I literally just fought off this person. It was the first time I stood up for myself. He was trying to rape me, and I was like, you know what? I'm done with this. I had called my mom. My mother in this moment is just like, you're overreacting. Because I'm pleading with her to come get me. Please come get me. I'm four hours away from home. I'm stuck. It's middle of winter in Michigan. I'm desperate. Please help me. And she's like, you're just being overdramatic. Just calm down. Like, just. Just finish what you're doing. And, you know, like, stop. Stop making this a big deal. So she. Because she doesn't understand. Like, I didn't tell her what just happened. I was just pleading with her to help me. And so I'm ready to commit suicide. Because I'm done, Josh. Like, I am just at the lowest of low. I'm just so feeling worthless. I feel, you know, like God made a mistake. Like there's no point for me to be here anymore. And the phone rings, and I see this guy's name on it, and I answer it and I'm like, what? And for some reason, right? And this is why I say that the universe, spirit, God, whatever you want, whatever your belief system, will intervene. And in this moment, he calls and he's like, you know, and this is what he says. If stuff's so crappy, why don't you call your dad? Now, I don't even remember telling him about my real father. Like, I don't even know that he knew, you know, or anything. And I had met him once before, but I had so much resentment towards him that it prevented us from being close to each other. So it's been three years. It's the middle of the night. He lives in California, I'm in Michigan. And I pick up the phone and I finally was just, like, in a moment of just like, I'm gonna do it, I call. Now, as the phone's ringing, though, I panic. I mean, I completely panic. I'm like, I cannot burden him with me. I can't do this, Bonnie, you know, you're just such a mess. You're so worthless. Why would you do this? And I recognize in that moment, like, as my head is spinning, that the answer machine finished. So now I gotta leave a message, right? And so my message is, hey, it's been a few years. I know we haven't connected. Just was checking to see how the weather is now. What's crazy? Josh and I just made this realization the other day. And I was talking to my dad yesterday about this. I was like, dad, was it like 2 in the morning? And he's like, it was totally, like one or two in the morning when you called me that first time. And I was like, I had no idea. Like, for me, it was like 10 or 11 o' clock at night. And. And, well, he doesn't answer. So I go back to, like, okay, I'm in a hotel room. I'm trying to get these blades out of this, you know, like this cheapo razor. Like, I'm just gonna. I'm literally in this moment where I'm gonna make everybody pay for what they've done to me. And that's why I felt that that's how I could do it. And my phone rings and it jolts me out, you know? And of course, I look and now I see my dad's. Name coming up on the caller id. And I'm, like, panicking. I'm like, I can't answer this. You know, I'm not gonna say anything. So I just answer the call, and I. And I'm like, hey. And we talk for a few minutes, and I say, you know, finally, I'm like, well, I'm just calling to see how the weather is. And for him. Now, this is what's crazy, Josh, is that 10 years prior to this moment. So if you can imagine, and my dad and I just talked about this yesterday, it's so crazy that when he lost his children, that sent him into a dark space that catapulted him on a personal development path. Now, I don't know him. We're completely separated, but he has to go through all of this healing his own tribal wounds. His own. His own family is healing all of this. And he's, you know, 10 years before this call comes in that he's on a spirit quest. So he's in the middle of the desert. I'm sure you'll like this, because you were just in the middle of the desert. But he's in the middle of the desert, and he has this vision. And one of the Native American chiefs comes running up, and he's like, I just had a vision. And my dad, you know, my dad's like, what is it? And he said, one day, one of your children are going a call, and the answer has got to be yes. Do you get that? And so my dad's like, all right, when? And the chief's like, I don't know. And he's like, which kid? And the chief's like, I don't know. And my dad's like, what's the question? And the chief's like, I don't know. And so my dad's got this in his head that one day a kid's gonna call, and he has to answer yes. It's that it's peril that he does so, but he doesn't know when. Now, he got a chance years before to meet my brother. He's already got to meet me. But he knows intuitively that the question has never been asked yet. And so now, flash forward a decade later, and here's the phone that rings in the middle of the night, and his daughter leaves a message about how's the weather? Somehow he knows that this is that moment. And so when he calls me back, we're talking for a few seconds about just the weather and about nothing. And he finally says, hey, I don't like a pink elephant in the room. If it makes it easier for you to ask, does knowing the question is already, knowing that the answer is already yes, does it make it, it easier for you to ask? And it just paralyzed me. Like, how did he know I needed something? Like. And before I could even think, the words blurred out of my mouth. Can I move to California now he knows nothing about me, nothing about my situation. I have now $300 to my name that I've made from the pervert who has taken, sexually molested and abused me most of my life, right? And you know, and my dad and I just plan out and in three days I was on a one way train heading to California. And that's where my healing truly began.

When I was reading this story, I had just so much, so much admiration for the struggle you went through. And you actually mentioned in your book, this is a powerful quote. I loved it. It made me laugh out loud as I was kind of crying. You said feelings are the guards that stand wash over the belief, ensuring it will not escape. For many of us, childhood felt more like an episode of Survivor than Leave it to Beaver. And I think that a lot of people can relate to this. This because your story of transformation came from deep hurt. A lot of us, myself included, we all are kind of walking wounded. But it doesn't mean that that gets to be our final destination, our final identity. This transformation piece that you've overcome, what did that look like in your early 20s? At one moment you were even standing on top of an rv, your dad was holding you and you were wondering, what the heck am I going to do now?

Yeah. Yeah. So me moving to California. So if you can imagine, you know, my mother had built this story around that my real father, the enemy, right? That he's this, he doesn't care about us. And so for me to, even though like I'm homeless at this point, I can't find a job, I have nothing to my name, I'm like so desperate to just get help. And you know, I turn to the one person in my family that's the ultimate betrayal, right? Like, this is the one person that they're like, oh no, you know, like, how could you? They disowned me. They took my younger brother, said, you can't communicate with him, you're done. And so when Josh is mentioning the motorhome, this is, this is this moment and I just, I'm like, I'm only been in California a few weeks and I just collapse. And I'm just So broken because I'm so lost. Because when I got out to California, like, I detoxed on the train, so there was three days of, like, just the sweats, and you're shaking, and you're just like. I'm like, chain smoking cigarettes. Can you imagine me smoking, Josh? Like, yeah, I went through, like, a pack a day. So, like, I'm just this mess. And, you know, I'm just, like, drinking on the train because I'm trying to control myself, and I'm just. Just a hot mess. And so coming out there and like, okay, here's this opportunity. I'm like. I am, like, don't even know what to make of my real father. Like, he's parading me around like, here's my daughter. Here's my daughter. And I'm like, every part of me is like, who do you think you are? How dare you call me your daughter? Like, you haven't been there. Like, you're not a dad. Right? Like, I'm so angry, and yet my family is enraged with me. They're black, and I have nowhere to go. I'm feeling just in the lowest point you can possibly imagine, Josh. And, you know, like, it was just such a place of despair. And, you know, thankfully for me, my dad had spent, you know, 20 years working on himself, and so he was ready for this moment.

Yeah.

And even though he didn't know that his whole life, all the work he's doing is building up to be ready to be there for me. But that's a big part of what happened. You know, like, if he hadn't got out of his way and did all the healing he did, you know, I don't know if I would have made it. I don't know if I would have, you know, been able to have a rock and that guidance. And in the face of my rage and my anger and at the blame, because I was so mad at him, I blamed him for not protecting me. And in. In spite of all that, to just be there and just to hold me and just to allow me to learn vulnerability and to. For the first time in my life, to learn learned love, like, genuine love. And it was this beautiful transition, but it took a long time. And so, if you can imagine, when I gave up all the drugs coming to California, all the emotions, they were so overwhelming. I mean, my core belief of being worthless was just in the forefront of my mind. And so, as you mentioned, I gave up addiction for an addiction. This is where I started binging and purging. I picked up bulimia because I needed something to numb out because I was just so, like, oh, hot mess. And so I struggled with that for years. And, you know, I just kept going, Josh, and kept going, and I just kept learning. And I knew once I realized, and this was the hard part, once I realized that I was participating in my own suffering, I was hell bent on finding a way to end it. Because when I would see people smiling and they're laughing and they're happy, happy, I'm like, what is wrong with me? Like, I want these.

These viruses, these things that have happened. You're right, they're not your fault. But once you become aware of their existence, it is your responsibility to do something about it. And there's actions that we can take on this, Bonnie, because the one that came up for me the most is forgiveness. I mean, if there's a tool that has the sharpest edge that we could ever use, it's forgiveness. And Tony Robbins actually said, and you mentioned this in your book, forgiveness isn't about the other person. It's about us. It's about letting go of the things that have happened. Because forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. What did that forgiveness look like? You and your dad actually went to a training together, and there were some other things that happened. But how did you begin to grow that tree of forgiveness in your 20s?

That was probably one of the hardest battles. And I do talk about forgiveness being the gateway, right? So in our trainings, right? So we have these programs that we teach people how to truly transform their lives. And, you know, in. In this training, like, one of the things that we really work on a lot, Josh, is. Is helping people to not only see that it's not your fault, right? A lot of these things that have happened to you, like, there's many, many times I was victim to these situations, right? I was a child that got tangled in a lot of dysfunction and of a lot. Lot of abuse, and then caught between a bad divorce. So I was the victim of that. And we can stay in that story, and we can stay in that truth, but by doing so, we are continuously being disempowered. We will continuously to give our power away because we are feeling weak. And it tends to continue to reinforce and revalidate the old story and the old programming. But this is why I say it becomes your responsibility, because one of the hardest things, lessons, and this is another book that I actually want to Write, is the 9 Life Lessons yous Needed to Learn Yesterday. That's the one that I want to Write in. One of the most powerful life lessons I ever learned was, no one is going to save you. I always wanted that white knight to come swooping in and to just be that stability to allow me to heal my life. And what I recognized is that I was being constantly being the damsel in distress was only getting rescuers, you know, with a hero complex, or I'd get vill to continue to abuse me. It wasn't until I recognized that I needed to become my own hero. I needed to step up and say, I want a better life and I'm willing to do whatever it takes no matter how hard and no matter how many times I quit to get back on that horse and to try it again and to try it again, and each day you become stronger. And forgiveness was that gateway. It's that gateway to finally say, okay, I have to be able to transform, transform how I feel about my story and these people who have hurt me. And I love this. It's from Buddha, and he says that anger. And so if you think about not forgiving, right, we're usually consumed with anger or hurt and that when we hold on to that resentment or that anger, Buddha says it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person is going to die, is consuming you. That unwillingness to forgive, that unwillingness to move through that energy and to accept this gift for yourself, then that unwillingness to do that is going to keep you stuck in this unforgiveness and this anger and this resentment. And you're the one that suffers, and you're the one that continues to drink the poison.

I'm thinking about when I heard your story and when I read your story and I felt, by the way, viscerally, your story, I'm wondering, like, what did the kid inside say, though? Because the adult in you, the one that's learning about health, the one that's learning about personal development, she was connected to forgiveness. But the kid inside and inside of all of us, when we look at forgiveness, can be kind of angry sometimes. So do you silence the anger from the child inside as you're going towards the path of forgiveness, or do you console them? How do you do it?

No, no, no. So never silence, right? So if you're silencing it, then you're suppressing it, right? It really is about expressing in a responsible way. And so what we teach is emotional. It's like taking responsibility for your authentic feeling, your authentic truth. And so in the book, we give you this forgiveness letter, and there's very purposeful that the first step is express. And that expression is where you get to just vomit all of your emotions. And the authentic little girl, allow her to come up. Allow him to come up inside of you and to say what she or he feels. Get real with that. I mean, there was times, Josh, that I was so consumed with anger doing these processes that I was literally stabbing my paper with my pen writing F you. You know, because there was just so much rage that this little girl felt. And I was so hurt and angry. And you have to be willing to get in touch with that in a responsible way, in a safe way that allows you to just like releasing it so you can, you can actually see beyond it and we can. The more you do it, the more you practice. And forgiveness is a practice, people, okay? It's not a. It's not a one time decision. It is a choice you have to make, make over and over and over again before it will ever even generate the feeling.

So as people rewrite their new story, this piece of self compassion, because there's a narrative that exists in all of our heads. And what I love that you wrote that everyone can take action on is if a friend told me this, what kind of encouraging words would I express to them? So how do we do this new self narrative piece? And how do we catch ourselves in the wrong?

We are so cruel to ourselves, Josh, and we hold ourselves to such an unrealistic standard when it comes to what we should have known or what we could have done differently or how we should have been better or what we should have said. And when we hold onto that old narrative, right, like it just keeps us stuck in that self hatred, that self anger, that self abuse. And yet if a friend came up to you. So if you and I, Josh, are sitting in the room and I'm telling you the story about how angry I am that I allow allowed this pervert to hurt me, what would you say to me?

I would say, how can I support you? That must have been incredibly hard.

Yeah. And you'd probably also say, Bonnie, you were a kid, it wasn't your fault.

Exactly.

You would have all this compassion and understanding for me. And this is what I'm denying myself. So one of the things that we talk about in the book is that you really have to put yourself and say, okay, like if I was my friend, friend, what advice would I give if I could take myself out of all of this judgment, you know, what advice and support and love and nourishment and just, you know, just empathy would I give myself? And when you can step into that place now. The energy is shifted, and you start to find that you are being too harsh on yourself and that it isn't really all your fault. And you begin to loosen that grip that is around the old story. So you can begin to have compassion and empathy and understanding for yourself and the mistakes that you've made. So you can really then start to evaluate how you can learn them and how they've refined you into a better version of you. And you can start to really step into this higher version of yourself.

I know people are listening because I'm feeling it in my body right now. And they are having a lot of mirrors to things that have happened in their life. As I was reading your book, Bonnie, I actually felt that you were talking specifically to me. And I know people are feeling that right now. So I want to pose a challenge to the audience that are out there feeling the emotion they're feeling in their body. Literally. If you're driving in your car, pull over. If you're at home, get out a notebook, because you get to rewrite your new story. And it starts with that letter. Tell people about the letter, and then we'll give people more of a chance to get to know you at your websites and all your programs.

Yeah. So the retelling of the story is where you have to begin. Move how you tell the story out of this state of victim, out of this state of blame, and into this place of self empowerment, and you get an opportunity, actually, one of the things that we just launched on the book site is an opportunity actually, for the challenge for you to retell that story and to submit it to us to go onto our community blog. And so, Josh, I'm going to challenge you to do this as well. I'm in. Yeah. So when you get to this final chapter of the book, we challenge you to retell this. And it starts with maybe the first couple times just writing out the story. And that could be just your life story. And you're going to notice if you read it to someone you trust and that's earned your trust. And you say, okay, how does this make you feel if someone says, I feel sorry for you. Or like, oh my gosh, probably a little victim in there. Right? So then we have to take out some of this shame, take out some of the blame, take out some of the woest me and start to really retell the story in a way that you are calling out these things that I have happened to you, and you can actually read mine. You guys, it's in the book. It's on my website, and it's called Victim to Victory. It's the story that I really tell. And I will point out, like, yes, I've had these dysfunctions. I've had these heartaches. I've had this abuse, and it has taught me these beautiful things, and I'm a stronger woman because of it. And I'm using it as a force to empower people. And when you read it at the end of it, I bet that you feel inspired. Inspired. You feel, like, hopeful. And that's where that victim story is now. A victory. And so that's what we challenge people in the book, and that's what we challenge people, you know, on our sites, to really kind of shift that energy.

Thank you so much for saying that. And as people gather evidence for their new story, they can do it in a number of different ways. Your husband actually has. He calls your vision board a victory board. Can you tell us just quickly about that?

I love the victory board. So my husband, you know, for him, you know, to keep that motivation, especially we're both entrepreneurs, right? So we're both, you know, living our passions, living our dreams, doing our things. It's very easy when you're, like, constantly stuck in the to do's to forget about all the things that you've accomplished and all the great things that you've achieved. And so when he was learning about this process, because I actually met my husband because he came to one of my workshops, and him and I started this amazing journey. And, you know, he created this board. Like, I mean, you should see this thing, Josh. I mean, it's massive. It takes up a half of a wall. And on this, he has all of his trophies and his medals and pictures of achievements and certificates and people that, you know, were. That he's. The celebrities that he's met and, you know, client testimonials. And it's just his victory board. And it's like all this a collection of reasons why he is good enough, why he is lovable. And so this serves as a representation in his office every day that says, you know what? Who I am is good enough, and I know it now. And that's what a victory board is.

That is the best definition of a vision slash victory board I think I've ever heard. You guys pick up Bonnie's new book, True to youo Core. She's gonna uncover not just what we talked about today, but so much more. We barely scratched the surface on her book. You're gonna get to learn how you can create your own thought, feeling and action tracker. Get a little more clear on the subconscious beliefs that are not serving you and mostly become intimately aware of the thought you think. Bonnie, we talk so much about the subconscious mind and transformation coming from rewriting the new story. Do you think there's anything we missed?

Well, like you said, there's just so, so, so much. You know, this is. I'm so passionate about. You know, honestly, Josh, you could probably have me on like 50 times in a row, and I don't think we'll be done talking about all the amazing things that people can do. But, yeah, we gave a really great understanding of this book. And you guys, I really put my heart, heart into this. And you're going to feel it. Like Josh said, I'm so transparent about my story. I'm so easy to connect with. We're really building a tribe. We're on a mission, like he said, to help 100 million people end needless suffering. And there's a way and you can have the transformation. So no matter where you're at, whatever you're stuck with, I encourage you to just start moving, to start investing in yourself. Whether that is just the $15 to pick up this book, whether it's just the hour listening to this rad show, to just keep investing in yourself. And as you do, you're going to continue to grow and you can start releasing and you can actually step into this freedom and, like, transform the essence of who you are into the person you want to be. And it's going to be consciously. It's going to take work. I mean, it doesn't come easy. And you can do it. I truly, truly know you can.

And the fact is that no matter how it feels, the reality is that we're never alone. So you have Wellness Flow Force Radio. You have True to youo Core. Bonnie has a new course coming out in 2017, and it's gonna be a master course. But when you pick up the book, you can actually get a mastery course that's attached to the book. We're gonna be giving away three copies of this incredibly powerful book@wellnessforce.com true to your core. Head on over there right now. Make sure that you download the application to get that book and also you can get her free course when it comes. Bonnie, I want to read this last quote and say goodbye because this hit me the most. And honestly, as I go on my walk later today, this is what's going to be playing in my head. People only change for two reasons. You learn Enough where you want to or you hurt enough where you have to. So here's the wake up call. If you do not shift your perceptions into healing, forgiveness, love, empathy and compassion for yourself and those who have harmed you, you will continue to validate the negative beliefs those memories are protecting. Bonnie, thank you so much for coming coming on the show.

I am so honored as always to be here. Josh, thank you for your support.

That wraps 87 with my good friend Bonnie Kelly. I don't know how many authors, speakers and world class leaders have to come on the show before the message of the power of the subconscious mind is accepted by all as truth. And I think as the new year comes, it is becoming more accepted as truth. I mean consciousness is raising all over the planet. That's why you're here listening to this show. I mean, Dr. John Gray gang, Katie Hendrix, Ryan Yacomi, David Sapazzotti, Melissa Hartwig, Jeff Agostinelli, the incredible people we've had on the show that all have pointed arrows at how our subconscious mind literally directs our actions. This is not something that we can glance at. This deserves our powerful attention. I am in this belief now after learning information over the past couple years that unchecked, I mean, these subconscious beliefs can kill. Which is why I named the episode that, you know, I was on a walk this past weekend for Thanksgiving talking to my brother, talking to my family about this and they hadn't heard these concepts yet. And I thought if this is my family and my family hasn't heard these concepts, how many hundreds of millions of people aren't aware of this old software that our subconscious mind is running on and how it can wreak havoc on the results that we want and that we, we're trying to get in our life. So key takeaways from today's show. And by the way, I literally have 30 pages of notes. So this was really challenging to pick these top key takeaways. But I think the top three are this. Write the letter to all the people that have caused you pain, caused you harm. You can find the exact directions in Bonnie's book on how to write that letter and move forward with life. Secondly, pick up a copy of Bonnie's book true to your core. If you can't afford a copy right now, we are giving away three free copies@wellnessforce.com true to your core. I want to get this message out as far as I possibly can because this information is life changing and for some people, life saving. I mean, how many people who are on the fence there's hundreds of thousands of people that take their life every year. What if they had this information? What if this could be in their hands? Please share this episode if you you have a friend or a family member that needs to know about the subconscious mind that is ready to receive some help because damn, they deserve it. Third and last point. Start gathering evidence. Start gathering evidence about your new story and how this new story is going to be of service to you. When you rewrite this new story, you're going to need a support network. Formulate people that want to help you gather this positive evidence around this kinder, gentler self narrative. So create that support network. You have the Wellness Force community on Facebook. You have me, Josh wellnessforce.com Do not let one more day go by without sharing information with the people you care about and applying that information to your own life. If that voice inside is telling you it's time now all that's left to do is go out and create an amazing day with all the inspiration and energy you got from Bonnie and every guest who's been on the show. So until I see you again real soon, I'm wishing you love and wellness.