#23: Let's Better Our Relationships with Guest Desirae Ysasi of Ysasi Counseling

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We're Erika Radis and Marie Lifschultz, a San Antonio area realtor and lender, but most importantly, we're working moms.

The goal of this podcast is to provide support and a sense of community to San Antonio area working moms like us. So join us in trying to find a balance between career, family, and everything in between.

Welcome to this week's episode of the Working Moms of San Antonio podcast. We're here with Desiree, and she is a licensed professional counselor, um, and we're going to kind of turn it over to her to talk about what she does.

Thank you. Yes, I'm Desiree Isasi, and my practice is Isasi Counseling, and we've been around since 2014. Slowly expanding and adding more services over time. We service the San Antonio community and really anyone across the state of Texas because primarily we do our services virtually, telehealth counseling. So we can work with anyone in the state of Texas. There are 4 of us in the group and we all cover a wide variety of areas of focus. Specialty. So depending on what it is you're wanting to work on, we probably have someone that can meet that need and be of assistance. So yeah, that's awesome.

That's great. You reach more people being virtual. I mean, a lot of people, obviously with the pandemic, you know, everything went virtual for a while, and it looks like you can continue those services and reach more people. I'm assuming maybe more people might reach out if they don't have to physically get out and go somewhere, you know, sometimes. So that's great.

Yeah, there's a lot of conveniences that come with it. First, you know, if you are in a rural community or a little far from San Antonio, and you know we have lots of little towns that are in the Hill Country, it's a bit of a drive. Or if you have kids at home that you can't leave, or maybe you take care of elderly parents, or any number of reasons, health concerns of your own that make it hard to leave your house. There's so many reasons why people are accessing telehealth, and I think it's a great service and it's every bit as effective as in person. There's a lot of studies that have come out that support that, so it's a wonderful way to access mental health services.

That's wonderful.

Yeah, no, that's great. Um, can you tell us a little bit about how you got into professional counseling?

Sure.

So I've been a licensed therapist since 2006. And, you know, I, I never imagined that I would be a therapist. I actually, when I was starting college, was thinking I was going to be a physical therapist or something in more of the physical healthcare field. And I got to college and I was really terrible at science, so I was thinking this might not work out so well. Uh, however, I was really enjoying my psychology classes, my sociology classes, really loving learning about the mind and about people. And so I just leaned into that and I changed my major and didn't really know what I was going to do with that. But, uh, as time went on, you know, the universe kind of guides you, I think, where you need to be. And I ended up enrolling in the Master's of Counseling at UTSA, and it just sort of went from there. And it just, it always felt right. I, I like talking with people. I like getting to know people on a very real, authentic level. I'm introverted by nature, so those very, um, like small group, intimate, real deep conversations. They just energize me. And so it was a natural fit, and I've been doing it ever since. So since 2006 now. Long time. Wow.

Yeah, I know, it is a long time.

Yeah, that's great. Um, and so can you talk about the different kinds of counseling that you guys offer?

Sure. So my area of specialization is relationships. I am only working with folks in relationship at this time, and I offer kind of the traditional biweekly 90-minute sessions when I work with couples. I also offer 2-day couples intensives where people come and spend a weekend with me with their partner and we do about 6 hours each day, and we just do a really deep dive into what's going on in your relationship, getting at sort of the historical origins of how you've been showing up in your relationship, right, and how to tackle that, and, and developing strategies to use instead. I am also preparing to launch a relationship workshop Um, so those are some of the things that I do. The, the others in my practice, I have 3 other ladies that work with me, and they are all fantastic therapists, and they work with things like depression, anxiety, trauma. Um, Sandy Zamora in my practice is bilingual in English and Spanish, and she offers outdoor walk and talk sessions. So if you would rather do therapy while being in nature and moving your body and regulating your system in a more physical way, she offers that service. Um, Leslie Escoville in my practice, she is really great— pardon me— she's really great with grief and loss, including pet loss. She is a big animal lover, and so she offers assistance for people who utilize the services of an emotional support animal, who are grieving the loss of a pet. And so that's Leslie. And then Jalen Evans, she is really great working with first-generation college students and also substance use disorders. So we, we do a lot.

Everybody has a bunch of stuff going in there.

Yeah, yeah, everybody has their passion when it comes to mental health care, and we, we really try to offer services to to just a wide variety of folks.

That's right. What would someone— if someone's never been, let's say, to counseling or a therapy session, like, what are some things that— in, let's say, for example, in your practice, you said that you're working with, uh, couples or people in relationships— what are some things that maybe someone, like, should I— do I need to go? Like, is that something I need? Because I don't— I think for the longest time, I know it was a stigma. You didn't want to tell people that you talked with a counselor or a therapist. It was thing. But now mental health has become a very, um, open topic, like a topic that people do talk about, and it's okay. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay that you don't have all the answers. So maybe there's a, there's a working mom out there that might be like, I don't know, should I, do I need to call someone to talk about this? Like, what are some things that you might say, hey, these are some things you should see, maybe reach out?

So the short answer to the question of should I go see a therapist is yes. Yes, I think anyone and everyone should see a therapist at some point in their life. The reason for that is when you sit down with a therapist, you're talking to someone who's trained to listen in a very specialized way, and they're listening for things and paying attention to things that you may not even be aware of. So they can really help you see things from a totally different perspective. Um, they can help you explore aspects of your life that maybe you really haven't before, things that influence you subconsciously that you're not aware of. And it's just a really beautiful, supportive container for whatever you're going through. And so I think for a really long time, yes, people were thinking Uh, if I see a therapist, it's because I have a problem and maybe even a diagnosis, right? Like a major depressive disorder or panic attacks, which of course, if you're struggling with those things, you should absolutely seek treatment from— for that from a licensed professional. Over time though, I think people were finding that, you know, life is challenging and yes, it's great to talk with my friends or my mom, But a therapist, like I said, they're, they're trained in a very specialized way to listen and offer support and help you discover strategies and unlock potential in you that you didn't even realize you had. So even if you're not struggling per se, but you would just like that safe, supportive space to really unpack something, help you make a decision in your life, or understand yourself and, and the history of things you've been through in a more profound way, a therapist can help you with all of that. So, so yes, I definitely think everyone go to therapy at some point in their life, and it's— I think most people will find that it's a really powerful experience.

Yeah, no, definitely. I think I mean, I totally agree. I've, I've seen therapists in the past. I, I have, um, sometimes pretty severe anxiety, um, and so I've had to, um, talk to therapists, and it totally just helps having that third party who doesn't know you personally, but, you know, they just are sort of on the outside and can offer advice that, like you said, I mean, you're maybe your family you know, they might offer a certain type of advice, but it's not this sort of third-party person that's unbiased, you know.

Right.

Yeah, so I was thinking—

Yeah, so I definitely, I agree. I mean, I love therapy and I think there's— I mean, you might just do it to just chat and get some things off your chest. It might not be that you're going through any one circumstance that needs a therapist, but I think it's a wonderful tool that everyone should utilize.

Yeah, I think the unbiased part is the best part. Like when you talk with— you had mentioned, you know, a friend or family. Well, if you're, let's say for example, the, uh, be in a relationship, if I'm complaining about my spouse, my, my friends or, or mom or whomever might automatically take my side, or, you know, in that the way you feel. And you're like, wait a minute, there's other parts of this. So someone who's on, I guess, on the outside, right, that can see both sides and help you see things that maybe when you're so in it, you can't see those things.

Correct.

So absolutely, yes, definitely, 100%. I know a lot of people— I, I'm not actually personally, I think, but I have a lot of people that have come to me like asking about— so I'm like, you know what, I'm not, I'm not trained to help you get through this. I'm not trained in grief counseling when someone loses someone, you know. I, I mean, I'm there for you and I love you, but you're going through more things than just you know, this, that, that might— you might need to talk with someone who has some professional training to help you get through this. So, absolutely.

And you know, when, when you're dealing with any other aspect of your healthcare, you don't go to your friends and family, you go to a doctor, right? Or you go to a physical therapist, or you seek out that service. And your mental and emotional well-being should be just as deliberate and intentional, you know, seek the services of someone that's really skilled and trained to help in those areas.

Yeah, I think sometimes we put our mental health kind of on the back burner, you know, especially as, as moms, we're kind of taking care of everybody else, um, but it's so important for us to be mentally healthy in order to take care of others. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others, um, and I do think we sometimes You know, like you said, if you're physically in pain, if you, you know, have a broken arm, you're gonna go to a doctor. But sometimes you can be mentally in pain and not think that you should seek out those services.

Well, I think it's because you don't see that bruise or that wound. It's not something you physically, you know, see. And you're like, I can get one more day. I'm okay. I can get through. I just got to get through the weekend. All right, it's got to get to the next week or the next month or whatever the case is. Um, and then you're not realizing that that part of your health needs to be treated as well.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. Yeah. It's not as visible to the naked eye. And so the tendency can be to overlook it, push it away. You're right. Lots of other things compete for our attention as moms. Uh, but you know, the thing I always remember is you can't serve from an empty vessel.

Right.

You have to take care of yourself, and then from the overflow, that is what you have to offer others. And because my specialization is relationships, I tell folks the same thing, you know, oh, we've got kids and they've got practice and they've got this and that, and we don't have time for therapy. And, you know, I say the same thing, as the relationship goes, so goes the family. And so if the relationship ruptures, the family ruptures.

Yeah.

So you have to fill the vessel of your relationship and then you take care of your kids and others from the overflow of that. Really starting at that foundation, it's critical. And you do have to see it in that way as a foundation to the health and wellbeing of everyone in the household.

So do you see where, where maybe women are a little bit more receptive to the counseling, whereas bringing in their spouse to say, if their husband comes in with them? Do you see the dynamic a little different?

Yes. You know, unfortunately, this country has operated under a system of patriarchy for a very, very, very, very long time. And in many ways, men have benefited from that system. But one way that it's been a huge disservice to them is that they've been socialized out of their emotions. They've been socialized out of having feelings other than, you know, maybe anger or power. And so either they really aren't aware of their more vulnerable side, or they don't give themselves permission to acknowledge it because we've taught them to be tough, you know, to be self-reliant, and that emotions and feelings are for wimps. Or women or sissies. Yeah, you know, so many negative associations. And so I think there is still a lot of that lingering ideology for men, and it can be really tough for them to acknowledge that they're struggling emotionally or that they're struggling with how to show up for their wives in a tender, gentle, compassionate way. And so I think it can often lead to the, the wife, you know, in a heteronormative relationship anyway, being the ones to initiate counseling. And, you know, I, I, I work with that, I acknowledge that, and, you know, 99 times out of 100, they are very receptive once we kind of name that and put that out there. And that it's not their fault they're struggling, right? Like, sort of society set you up to struggle in a relationship eventually because as a little boy you didn't get to nurture that more tender side of yourself. So once they sort of see that and can recognize, like, yeah, this isn't my fault, this is something that was sort of handed down to me, and of course it makes sense that I'd be struggling, and here's someone who genuinely cares and really wants to help and it benefits me, it benefits my relationship, my kids. There's so many benefits to working on your relationship that it's hard not to get invested in the process once you sort of pack all that.

That's good to hear. I mean, once they've taken that step to get there, at least they're opening to have— open, excuse me, to having that conversation, you know, and beginning that healing process.

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, that's great.

I love that.

Um, well, you mentioned, um, having a workshop coming up, a relationship workshop. And so can you tell us a little bit about that and what that kind of looks like? And, um, you know, how people can get signed up and that kind of stuff?

Absolutely.

So my training in working with relationships is based in a model called Relational Life Therapy. Or RLT. It was developed by a therapist and author out of Boston named Terry Real, and he's written a number of books on male depression and also relationships. And all of my training has been with Terry directly. He's trained me for many years now, and I'm also now a faculty member for the Relational Life Institute, so I now also train other therapists. In this modality. So this workshop that I'm doing, it's called the Relationship Boot Camp, and it is a workshop that Terry Real did for many, many, many, many years where he is teaching the concepts of RLT to couples so they can understand sort of how they're showing up. And what I mean by that is when there is a conflict in your relationship Do you sort of wall off and shut down, or do you get really unbridled and rant and rave? So through this workshop, we teach folks how to sort of identify that within themselves and understand how they came to be that way. It comes from adapting to things that were going on in your family of origin. So We teach that to couples because it's important to have a sense of, you know, what is happening here when I do this. So you're more invested in overcoming that because until you sort of confront that, we can teach you all the most wonderful skills in the world, but you won't want to use them in the moment.

Yeah, right.

Well, we touch on that in this workshop. It's a 2-day workshop, so we really go through a lot of material. And then once you have that understanding into yourself, then we teach you the skills and we give you very good skills, concrete things that you can practice and apply right away. In RLT, we don't believe in this idea that, you know, once you're feeling healthier, you'll naturally know what to do instead. You don't. We don't. Teach folks how to really work through conflict in a skilled way. So we're very directive, we're very specific. You know, we give you handouts, we give you opportunities to practice in, in little breakout groups and, and then with us. So it's a really experiential process. It's not therapy. So I, I don't want couples to feel like, oh gosh, if I show up, I've gotta talk about in front of a group of people all the things that are going on in the relationship. I mean, we encourage sharing, of course, because it does help to hear stories from other couples so you don't feel so isolated in your pain and your struggle. But none of that's required. So you shouldn't shy away if you're thinking, well, I don't want to open up like that in front of a big group. You know, you come, you take what you can, you participate in the way that feels right for you, and you're going to walk away at the end of 2 days with, you know, an armload of skills that you can put into practice right away. So it's called the Relationship Boot Camp. It's, it's like I said, the workshop that Terry Real taught himself across the country for years and years. So it's an authorized presentation of that curriculum, and I'm really excited to bring it to Texas. It's never been done live in person in Texas before. It's always been presented more the East Coast or up north. So I'm really excited that, you know, my fellow Texans will get an opportunity to participate.

Oh, that's great. I love that. Now, do you need to be in a relationship to attend? Because it sounds like these skills could help anybody, whether you're currently in a relationship or you just want to be in one in the future.

You're 100% correct. You can come with a partner if you are involved, You can come on your own, you can come with a friend, you can come with your mom, you can come with a colleague, um, or you can just come all on your own ready to learn. You do not have to be present with your partner. In fact, when we do the workshop and we break into small groups and stuff, we mix it up. You're not going to be doing everything with your partner, so that way folks who are there on their own will feel included. And it can be easier to practice things when you're not practicing it with your partner who might be really triggering. So you get an opportunity to really sort of practice it in a safer, you know, more benign situation before you try to apply those skills with your partner where, you know, it can feel a little bit more challenging. So yes, anybody who is interested in learning relationship skills is welcome. This workshop is for all folks regardless of how you identify or who you love. So come and work with us and learn how to be more relationally savvy.

Yeah, that's great. And when is it taking place and how can people get signed up?

Yeah, so the first workshop is August 5th and 6th here in San Antonio, Texas. It will be from 9:30 to 5:30 both days, so that's a Saturday and Sunday. This workshop I'm especially excited about because I'll be co-facilitating with Anna Stirk, who is also a faculty member with me from the Relational Life Institute, and she's been doing this workshop in Minnesota for several years now. So I'm really excited that she'll be with me, so you kind of get, you know, two of us for the price of one. And if you want to sign up, you can go to my website, which is isasiecounseling.com, and there's a tab on the website that says boot camp. So all the info is there.

Oh, perfect.

Sounds exciting.

Yes, I'm really excited. I really am. It's gonna be fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun.

We—

it's serious and you know, we try to really make it fun and keep it light and playful to help sort of balance, you know, that, that serious side of it.

I think it's great because I think it gives you an opportunity to be around other, other couples and you realize, hey, everybody's the same. We all kind of have— we all struggle. We all struggle with communication. We all struggle with being frustrated and kids and whatever going on. That is not just isolated for our relationship. Our, my relationship. It's— we see that. And I think that's something that a lot of moms go through. Like, sometimes even when it comes to our kids, like, you don't want to share because, like, you think it's unique to you. And then when you start sharing and you're around other people like mine, right, you're like, hey, everybody kind of goes through this at one point or another. Everybody has, you know, some, you know, where you're frustrated with your spouse or your kids aren't doing well in school or they're having some struggles here and there. Um, we realized with our Working Moms of San Antonio group that people sharing, they realize, hey, I'm not alone, that everybody kind of goes through this. And, you know, more, more minds, I guess, are better than one, and you can kind of share ideas and find ways to make it work. So I love— I, I personally like workshops.

You're so right, we learn better, I think, in community.

Yeah, I do.

There is such a thing as vicarious learning, right? So you can learn from hearing other people what they're going through and how they overcome and The energy in these workshops is just— it's indescribable because everyone that I've been a part of— I, I have participated as a participant, I've assisted with some other workshops, and every single one I've been involved with, there's just this flow energy that grows over the course of the weekend. And it's amazing to watch the participants go from complete strangers to this gelled, cohesive group of humans that are really trying to support each other and build each other up. And you watch them become more relational with each other, and it's really inspiring. I, I am always so moved and fulfilled every time I get to be a part of one of these boot camp workshops.

I think anytime you're within a community that's trying to do something similar, it, it's very motivating. Like you all have the same goal, you know, I want to be a better communicator with my spouse or my partner or whatever the case is. I want to be a better partner, a better spouse, you know, if we're all doing the same thing, then you see a lot of people, you know, it gives you, and you might see people like, oh, I have the same thing and they did this. Hey, that worked for them. Maybe it worked for me. You know, I didn't think about that. So yeah, I love, I love community-based learning. I love being around people like trying to do the same thing. So I think it's really really helpful for couples, you know. Yes, because like you said, like, I, I think I'm like, I can't be the only one going through this. Like, I say one thing, he hears something different. Why is this? I don't understand this.

Yes, and a lot of the skills can even be applied to how you communicate with your kids, you know. Maybe not in the exact same way, but there's definitely a way to sort of expand, and, you know, maybe with a little shift here and there you can really use a lot of these skills with your children as well. You know, learning to communicate relationally benefits everyone. So when you can learn how to communicate more relationally with your children, you'll see the intimacy and the connection in, in that relationship really grow as well. And, and what a gift, right? Like, you're modeling this for your kids at such a young age. You know, you think about um, they'll get to the age we're at, you know, in our 40s and 50s.

Yeah.

And they'll already know this stuff. Like, how great. What a gift.

It sets a really great, great example of, hey, we don't want to bottle up. We want to— you know, we, we— it's always a learning process. Relationships change over time. The way we communicated in our 20s and dating versus now being married 19 years is a little different, right? Like, it takes some time, and we have to relearn some habits because, um, you know, when you're in, in a relationship— I was talking with my husband about this— obviously when the kids were little, our focus is focused on them because they needed us 24/7. They couldn't eat by themselves, they couldn't dress by themselves. And now they're doing a lot more things independently. It gives us time to do things independently, and it's, it's a little different. It's a little different these days, and we have to relearn how to communicate better because we're not going 24/7 all the time.

So, right, right.

Yeah, I love workshops. I think it's great.

Awesome.

Very excited about it.

Good. Yeah.

Thank you. Well, we typically ask our guests, and this is probably going to be a hard one because I bet you have a lot of things, but we typically ask our guests what their favorite thing is about what they're doing. And so we want to know what your favorite thing is.

Oh my gosh. My favorite thing. Um, I, I mean, it, it really is just getting to work with people. It's such a privilege and an honor to sit with people who are hurting or in pain, or, you know, they don't know what to do, and to be able to offer them what you can. You know, I'm not, I'm not some perfect human that never has relationship challenges, right, or never argues with her husband or her daughter. Um, I have, however, spent a lot of time working on this and learning it. And the cool thing about RLT is you can't get trained to do it or teach it without also applying it to yourself.

Yeah.

Yes. So first and foremost, I am a practitioner of this in my own life. And so I guess what I love is to be able to offer what I can, what I know, and share that with people who then benefit from it. Because I really do think that healthy relationships are the cure for so much of what ails us.

Oh, it's the foundation. It's the foundation of our society. Yeah, having healthy relationships. Yeah.

And loneliness, I think, is one of the biggest contributing factors to so many illnesses and diseases and injustices that go on in the world. So, you know, maybe it sounds grandiose, but I really do think that working one relationship at a time has the potential to change the world, because then they go out into their lives and become more relational with the people that they then interact with. And then it just sort of grows from there. So I think, yeah, my favorite thing is being able to sit with people, teach them, and then know that there is a ripple effect happening out there in our community. So it's just really beautiful to be a part of, and, and I do feel really honored to be able to do this.

Yeah, I love that. That's so nice.

Works of service. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, and then lastly, do you want to just let everybody know, um, how they can get a hold of you for your counseling services?

Sure.

So my website is probably the best way. It's, again, it's Ysasi Counseling, Y-S-A-S-I, ysasicounseling.com. And you can email me any questions you have. You can email me and I can send you information on the workshop. Um, you can learn about the other therapists that work in my practice. I know we've been talking a lot about relationships. They work with individuals, but they're also doing really beautiful work with the folks that they are seeing. So my website is probably the best place. Uh, Isasi Counseling is also on Facebook and Instagram, and that's a way to kind of connect as well and follow what we're doing. So yeah, email me, give me a call, find me on Instagram or Facebook, and, and we'll connect. And also, if our practice is not exactly what you're looking for, I have a lot of community referrals here in San Antonio and a few across Texas. You know, if, if I'm not the right fit for what you're looking for, I really will do my best to suggest someone that I think could be a good fit for you. So give us a call and we'll try to help in whatever way we can.

Awesome.

Yeah, that's great. Um, well, thank you so much for being on here. I feel like you're doing such important work, um, and I love that you took the time to kind of explain that to us today. And I think our listeners could really benefit from your services. So thank you for being here. Um, and then also thank you to our listeners for tuning in to this week's episode of the Working Moms of San Antonio podcast.. And we will just catch you guys next week.

See you guys next week.

Bye. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

Thanks so much for tuning in to the Working Moms of San Antonio podcast. Be sure to follow us on social media at our respective Instagram accounts or join our Working Moms of San Antonio Facebook group. Those links can be found in our episode description. If you have an episode topic suggestion or question, please email us at office@erikadisagent.com. And be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave us a review. See you next week.