Why New Habits Don't Stick After Divorce And What to Fix First

People say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I disagree. I think one of the things that makes us who we are is the fact that we're adaptable, that we're flexible, and that we're willing to learn and to grow. And when you come out of a divorce, when all of your markers and everything that you knew to be true has been obliterated, you have no choice but to change. And one of the things that need to change is our habits and behaviors. When we're in a marriage and we've gotten used to doing things a certain way, you've had behaviors in place that have either served us or maybe not served us so much, it's a perfect time to kind of reassess and think about, okay, now that I'm on my own, how do I want to do things differently and what do I need to do differently? But creating new habits And empowering habits is not easy because before you can create something new, you kind of have to tear something down, right? It's like buying a house that is so dilapidated that you can't build on top of what you have, or the house is in great shape but the foundation is completely screwed up, and if you make any changes, the house could come tumbling down. So Creating new habits is a little bit of the same thing in that you have to— if you think about the house analogy, the habits that you want to put in place are the shiny new outside, but the foundation that the new habits are built on is your inner work. It's the stuff that's inside that you might not even be conscious of that needs to be addressed. So it's the difference between the inner work which is the foundation, and the outer work, which is the house that you're trying to build. And the inner work is really the more challenging aspect, because when you think about the inner work, it's about the triggers, it's about dismantling those old stories that we have built as either a protective mechanism or as a way to make our life more comfortable. And we've told ourselves these stories over and over and over and over again, and they are part of our identity. They are part of who we are. So dismantling those things takes a huge amount of effort, and it's not something that happens overnight. And I'll give you an example. One of my core beliefs is that food is safety, because when I first moved to the US, as much as I wanted to be accepted and I wanted to be liked, I also felt completely out of place. I was dealing with all of these emotions, and I didn't know how to manage them, and I basically started to eat my feelings. And I did that because food could never reject me, food always liked me, food always accepted me. That's a paradigm that I've had to shift over the years so that I would not continue to eat to soothe my feelings. Doing that work of dismantling the belief on the inside is the hard part. But there is a way that you can do this, and that's what I want to share with you. So I'm going to encourage you to break out your journal because I'm going to give you some questions, some statements, some ideas that you might want to pause and, you know, work on later, or bookmark this so that you can go back to it. But there are a few different things that you can do to start addressing the inner work and the inner— the foundations that you want to change so that you can grow into this thriving kick-ass woman that is in there and that is dying to come out and that you have the freedom to let out now that you've gone through your divorce. So the first step is to identify what are those instances when you want to change, your habitual response, because we have instinctual responses, subconscious, based on the stories that we've been telling ourselves. So identify what it is that— what is the behavior, what is the habit that you want to change, so that you can start writing those down. And then I would say pick one, maybe two, that you're going to focus on at first, so you don't try to tackle everything at the same time. So if we take an example of lashing out, for example, that when you feel like you're being attacked, you feel you have to defend yourself, you lash out and maybe you respond or you react in a very instinctual and maybe confrontational way instead of responding in a way that is appropriate for the discussion and for that moment. Can you think about the first time where you responded this way to whatever the situation is that you're thinking about. What was going on? Why did you feel the need to defend yourself in that way? What were kind of the reasons why you behaved that way? And think about, is that serving you? Is that a behavior that you want to continue moving forward? The next thing is, what is the story that's associated with that situation? Can you rewrite that story in a way that is empowering, in a way that feels less icky, in a way that instead of making you feel like you're a victim or making you feel like you have to be on the defensive, you can reshape it so it serves you in a productive way, in a constructive, compassionate way? How can you rewrite the story so that it serves the new identity that you're trying to grow into instead of keeping you stuck in whatever mental circus you have going on? And now that you have this new story, what are the habits that you need to put in place to be able to support this new story, to be able to support you in showing up in a way that is effective, congruent, in alignment with who you want to be, who you want this new you to be. So rewriting the story is the foundation for, okay, now that I understand what happened, I know why I reacted this way, but I want to change the story around that because that old story doesn't serve me. And that old story has a bunch of habits and behaviors attached to it. And these are the behaviors that I want to put in play now that I have a new story so that I can grow into the woman that I'm becoming and that I want to become. And the last thing is, this is a journey. This is not something that's going to happen overnight. This is going to have fits and starts. You're going to make progress and you're going to Take a step back from time to time because breaking habits and breaking behaviors is not easy. What is important is consistency and aiming to be congruent and for your habits and your behaviors to be congruent and aligned with the new story and with the new identity that you are crafting for yourself. Because this is a journey, don't beat yourself up. Be compassionate. Understand that, like I said, you're going to take some steps forward, you're going to take some steps back, but the idea is it's like the cha-cha. You take 2 steps forward, 2 steps back, 1 step forward, 2 steps back, 2 steps forward, 1 step back. However that looks like, make it a dance, make it fun, make it enjoyable, make it a personal challenge for yourself to really rise to the occasion to step into this badass woman, career woman, mother, friend, volunteer, whatever, whoever you are, so that you can be congruent with that and you can actually make that happen. This is not a one-and-done exercise. This is something that you can go over time and time and time again. There may be, you know, not just one thing that needs to change, not just one story that needs to change. This is a process that you can repeat and repeat and repeat, but what I like about it is that you're really focusing on doing the inner work instead of just doing the facade and just doing the outside. And honestly, it's going to take some courage because this shit's hard, but you're stronger than you think you are, and I believe in you. I believe in you because there was a time when I didn't believe in myself, and I got it done anyways. And if I can do it for myself, you sure as hell can do it for yourself. And if you feel that you might want some support in this journey, let's hop on a call. I'll put the link below.