Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong Men After Divorce with Joan Nwosu

Hello, heroines, and welcome back for yet another amazing guest. Today I have with us Joan Nwosu, who I met maybe a year, a little bit more than a year ago. She interviewed me in her Instagram, on her Instagram. So I wanted to, as soon as I had the group, you know, more or less set up, I wanted to bring her in because one of the things, and I know we're all at different stages in this divorce journey. But at some point, and some of you might be at the stage where you're ready to date again and it kind of feels like shark-infested waters, so I figured I would bring Joan in to talk a little bit more about what that is like. Because I remember what my experience was when I came out of my divorce, and, um, I think there's definitely— there are definitely better ways to, uh, to do it. So Joan, welcome.

Thank you. Thanks, Alex. Great to be here and great to see you again.

Yeah, you too. It's nice to have you. So let's get started with the basics. Tell us a little bit about who Joan is.

Okay, so Joan is the woman who has probably lived many, many lives, and when I'm talking about many lives, I'm talking about many relationships. For a long time, I couldn't talk about my numerous engagements. I've been engaged 8 times all unsuccessful, but going through all of that really taught me a lot, and it really led me to this journey and this path that I'm on. And so you name any type of toxic relationship, I've been in it. Any type of man, I've been in it. I followed the scripts, followed all the gurus, followed all the books, all the podcasts. I've tried every single thing to figure out how the hell does this whole finding the one actually work. And that's why this is now what I do, helping myself first, but also helping women who've gone through— like, I went through one divorce, but I was engaged to 8 different men at different times, not the same time, but really help them to, one, avoid some of the mistakes that I made and really understand that it's, it's not as difficult. It's difficult if you don't know what you don't know, but there is a way to be able to ensure that you attract the right aligned partner.

Alexandra Niel, and you and I were chit-chatting just before we came on, and you recently added Human Design to what you, to what you do. So how is that changing your approach?

Yeah, so I have been a dating coach for some years now, and in my work with all the women I was working with, even though I had a step-by-step framework that actually worked, it could get you on dates, it could get you into a relationship. But what I started to see over time was not every single, let's call it, advice that I was given worked for every type of woman. And one of my clients actually said to me once, she was like, I hear what you're saying, but it really doesn't feel natural. It feels like I'm pretending. It feels like I'm performing. Yes, it will get me the results, but, but I'm not happy. I don't feel like this is me. And at that point when she said that to me, I was like, hmm, am I doing exactly what other coaches are doing, which is this whole cookie-cutter approach? It might work for certain areas in life,. But when it comes to relationships, I really started to think that we're all wired differently. We all have different interpretations of what love is or what kind of love we actually want. We all have different desires in the partners that we're looking for. How can there possibly be one way that should work for everybody? And that really got me thinking. I was like, okay, maybe I'm also getting this wrong. Maybe I'm also giving them this cookie-cutter approach, which yes, it might get you the short-term results, but at the end of the day, the same problems still persist. People were still not attracting their aligned partner. They were attracting the kind of men that social media said we should want. Yeah, the masculine, tall, dark, and handsome, the one who plans dates and all of that stuff. But at the end of the day, if you're still performing or you're not your true self, the problems are still going to persist. Over time, you would default to who you truly are, and then that whole problem of misalignment will show up again. So Human Design changed the game.

And I, you and I were just talking about how awesome Human Design is, but I wanted to ask you this because I'm wonder, based on your experience, you talked about, you know, the one way, the cookie cutter approach. Are there certain principles that work for everyone, or even at the level of principles, it's different for everyone?

Even at the level of principles, it's different for everyone. So in Human Design, there's something called the love gates. So there are 10 love gates, and we don't all have all of them. I have 2, some people have 5, some people have 1, some people have none. And what the love gates tells you about you, because we're all unique, is how you are designed to give and receive love, right? So I'll give you an example. So I have the gate of 40, and this gate of 40 is about working for love. And you can imagine how that plays out in a world where we've been told that men are the providers, the man is meant to do all the giving, the woman should not be a giver, it's frowned upon. And so in your not-self state, in your conditioned state, you start resenting being the natural provider, which if you have the love gate 40, sorry, you are a provider. So what Human Design does is it shows you who you are energetically. Your Human Design is your energetic blueprint. It doesn't change from the day you're born to the day you die. Your energetic blueprint remains the same. Your love gates are defined, period, end of story. It's the way you will show and receive love. So once you know which one it is for you, then we can work on the other principles which may or may not apply to you. So if you're someone like me who— you're designed to work for love rather than hating it and resenting it, which is what I did because I found that in my past relationships I was always the one providing. But of course, when you're providing from a negative low frequency then you keep attracting the users, the ones who just want to take, take, take, take, take. And so I resented being that provider. I resented being that giver. But now that I understand that it's my design, I'm here to provide. So now I provide from overflow, and I do it lovingly. And now I'm only able to attract the people who appreciate that about me. So someone else may not have it. So, you know, you're not a provider, so it's okay. It's good. You can just relax and now focus on your other ones. The provider one, even studying this work, I'm like, okay, it's not so bad. Like, some other people have some more difficult love gates, right? So it's just knowing your design, knowing your own love gates, understanding it, embracing it. Don't say, oh, I don't want this. You can't change it. So once you read your love gate, there's a recognition, there's a resonance. You're like, yep, deep down inside, this is truly who I am. And as human design, law of attraction, call it whatever you want to call it, you will never attract what you want. You will always attract who you are, and your human design is who you are. So if you don't know who you are, or you like, oh my God, life has changed me, or I've been conditioned, or my parents raised me this way, or social media said I should be this kind of woman, your Human Design brings you back home to the authentic version of who you were always designed to be. So that is the starting point for anyone who wants to attract an aligned partner. Not just any partner. Like, I, like, I could help you get a partner easy, but the question is, is that the partner that's right for you? Is that your aligned partner, or that is just a partner that looks good on paper, and we've tried that.

Yeah, and I want to go back to what you said because I think it's interesting. When you say working your Gate 40, it says that you're working for love. So what does that mean exactly?

So it means that within a relationship, if I love someone, if I connect with someone, instantly I'm like, okay, how can I make our lives better? What vacations can we go on? What do I need to plan? How can we move to a better home? How can we be like— it's just constantly trying improve the relationship, right? So I just go to work, it's just normal, right? But that, that could also— first of all, it could attract the wrong kind of people if you're doing it from a place of control where if I give you more, if I did more for you, then you would love me. Doesn't work.

So is it safe to say that— because I loved what you said about giving from overflow— that no matter what your love gate is You have to start with yourself and you have to love yourself because you can't quote unquote pour from an empty cup.

Absolutely.

So does Human Design also help with falling back in love with yourself?

Absolutely. And that's, that's one of the beautiful things about Human Design. It's like the first time I pulled my report, I was like, how does this thing know me? Like, this is me. So it's not someone telling you who you are. It's a recognition because your soul knows who you are. Your body knows who you are. So it's a remembering. And you're like, woo, finally something that actually gets me, right? Because it's you. So you would look at it and you'd be like, yep, this is me. And that way you can fall in love with that true version of you, not the one that has become this toxic, dysfunctional human based on the experiences that you've had. But now you're like, this is who I've always been and I've just been hiding. Or some coach told me you can't be that way, or you can't do this, or you have to look a certain way, you have to lean back, dress a certain way, be more feminine, whatever it is. This is the truth of who you really are. And when you embrace that authentic version of yourself, you naturally start attracting the right kind of people. You'll find that those toxic relationships, you know, people who are on the dating apps are like, oh, the dating apps is filled with rubbish people, it's a shit show. You don't even see those people anymore because now you're showing up as the authentic higher version of yourself, and naturally the apps, the apps are just technology, they respond to your energy. So you start finding that you start seeing better aligned partners, you're now able to match with better aligned partners, you can now speak and communicate from your true self energetically, and that's how you attract an aligned partner. It's amazing work, it's phenomenal, I can't even, mind-blowing.

So, and I love the piece, I think that I love the most is the whole piece around authenticity. Right? Because I think that is what we are here to do, is to just show up as our authentic selves. And there's a lot of discourse and a lot of talk about authentic selves and being authentic and, and all of these things. So when somebody has that insight about Human Design and who they are, yes, it will resonate. But there might also be some residual masks or limiting beliefs or whatever that might get in the way. So is it safe to assume that's also part of what you do, is to kind of dismantle all of those things?

Yeah, and, and that's one of the things I'm going to talk about at the end of the show, because yes, Human Design will tell you your highest potential. So this is the highest version of you But the beautiful thing is it also tells you the shadow side of you so that you know that when you're not operating as your true self, this is what shows up. And when I read mine, I was like, yep, yep, yep, sounds about right. That's me. That's how I've been showing up. And that's why I attracted 8 different toxic human beings into my life for lessons, by the way. But it was just my soul trying to wake me up to say, hey, you're not doing this the right way. The version you're showing up as is attracting these people. So thank them. Thank them for the experience. But now you have an opportunity to now step into the real, true, authentic version of yourself. So that you can attract an aligned partner. So yes, it will also show you the shadow version of you, so you can know when you're not operating in your highest self and maybe some areas that you still need to work on, and then how you can step into that version of you that can attract the right partner.

So I love talking about the shadow piece because I think that's where the juice is, right? That's where the good— that's where the good stuff is. Um, and I was going somewhere with that. Anyways, I'll come back to it if it comes back to me. I want to just switch gears a little bit to mistakes because you talked about, you know, we, we all make, make mistakes. I know I've made my mistakes, particularly in my marriage, because that's the relationship I was in the longest until now. And Tell us a little bit about some of the mistakes that you've seen either in your personal experience or that you've seen some of your clients and the people that you work with make that get in the way of attracting that, um, your, your, your, your perfect human, let's say.

Yeah, so there's just so many different factors that could put you in your nuts, um, but just at a high level. One of the biggest mistakes, especially for successful women, especially for women who've been through a divorce, right, we create this protective sphere around ourselves and we don't really show up as our true selves. And so that version of you that you put out there keeps attracting the wrong kind of people, right? So for me, when I was trying to be less, because that was the one— that was one of the biggest things. Again, that might get 40, uh, because I was super ambitious, I was the go-getter, I was the one who was always having wins. And of course I was attracting— because I was in my not-self energy, I kept attracting people that I needed to fix, right? Because they attracted to that version of me. But then in the relationship, I would play small just to make them feel bigger. Then I try to fix them, constantly giving them tips and ideas and ways and working, trying to help them be better people. And that just didn't work because now what happens is you're now too much for them. Now they're like, okay, she can't see the good in me, like she always wants to change me, I'm not good enough, I need to find somebody who loves me as I am. And that's where you start hearing things like, why can't you just accept me the way I am, right? And not the thank you for trying to make me a better person, I appreciate you for that. And so we end up trying to fix and fix and fix and fix, and it doesn't work. And then the next relationship, we now pull back, we now give less, and now the person's like, you don't care about me, you're not trying to, to, to do anything for me, you're just focused on yourself. And now you're like, okay, if I give problem if I don't give it to problem, right? So that's one of the biggest lessons that I had to learn was like, when do I give and when do I hold back? When do I, when do I give advice? And I'm a projector as well in human design, which means that my energy is very, very piercing, right? So it's this constantly, I just know what needs to be fixed, so I'm just going to tell you. But it never landed well because it's like, who asked you, right? So just learning all these things about myself, learning about my design, it was just a game changer because Some of these things I didn't even know where it was coming from because now I'm hiring all these coaches who are like, okay, lean back, do this, don't do this, say this, use this magic script, use these words. And it was just like, uh, okay, it might work temporarily, but over time we will always default to who we are. And it's better to default to your higher version of yourself than to the shadow version of yourself where you keep attracting the wrong kind of people. So I would say the biggest mistake that a lot of women, especially women coming out of a divorce or a long-term relationship, what they usually do is they jump into the next relationship. And people say, go heal. But I'm like, heal, heal. Let's leave healing for a second. But heal, yeah, if you know what you're healing. But Human Design will show you exactly why you're attracted to that person, and then you can go heal from that. Because if you don't change that piece of you that attracted that person, you're going to attract the same person again, just a different name and a different face. So the healing involves you coming to the realization of who you truly are, not who the world said you should be, not what conditioning, environments, whatever created you to be. Coming home to who you really are, that is the first step. And that journey will lead you on a healing journey because now you will see all the shadows, all the areas where you messed up, all the things that you didn't do right. It's not about— it's the— it's not the person, it's not the ex. It's you. You attracted that person, so we need to work on you if you want to attract a better person. So the journey starts with coming back to yourself, heal yourself so that you can operate at the real highest authentic version of you, and then you can start dating. Then the world is your oyster. Then you will now attract the right kind of people who will not use you, who will not fix in, who will appreciate your gifts, and that way you can build a long-term sustainable future together.

Talking about healing, I think there's a difference when you come out of a relationship and you've been— you haven't been seen, you haven't been heard, you've been giving, giving, giving and not receiving, or not even allowing to receive, right? Because there's that as well, versus coming out of the relationship and being like, let's have some fun. Yeah, right. And that part is also important because that also plays into the healing, because I feel like it also helps us to to discover what are the things that we do want without, for lack of a better word, without having to make a commitment.

Yes, so I was one of my relationships, I was that person who was like woohoo, but that's a trauma response. Like it's not really I'm free now, it's I don't want to deal with what just happened I don't want to take responsibility for the role I played. I'm just happy to be rid of this person. And it's okay in the temporary to make yourself feel good, you know, just to kind of get away from that situation. But at some point, you now need to sit down with yourself and really look back, because again, you attracted that person. There was something about you that attracted that person. Yes, maybe they got worse or they did whatever to you. I honor that. But you also have to look inwards and find what was it about me that attracted that person. And that's what Human Design can help you with, because you will see your shadows. You'll be like, now that's why I attracted that person. And for you, Alex, who you're a projector, so one of the biggest love loops of projectors is not being seen or being seen. So it's always in the relationships, the projector is always struggling to see me, see me, see me. And imagine being with a partner where you've got all this wisdom, all this insights, you can see the solution from a mile away, and the person just doesn't want to hear it. So now you start to resent that, right? So understanding your Human Design— so we're a See Me, because both of us are projectors. See me, see me, see me. That's our problem in relationships. For a generator, for instance, there's this choose me, choose me, choose me. So they're out there just trying to— I'm perfect, can't you see I'm perfect? Why won't you choose me? I'm so perfect, I've done everything for you. So they keep doing more, trying to showcase that, look, I'm wonderful. And the man's just like, I don't care, I'm just gonna go pick this other person. So once you start to understand your design, I'm telling you, it'll be That's why I had a problem. He was never gonna see me, or he was never gonna choose me, or he was just— I'm just the manifesting generator where I just want to jump all the steps and just make everything happen like tomorrow. Like, let's just get married next week. That's the managing. It's like, what are we waiting for? Like, we connect, let's do this, right? And when the person says no, you're like, why didn't he say no? Why does he want to take it slow? They don't know how to— let's take it slow. They're like, why? He's not for me then if he wants to take it slow. So it really helps you to really understand why you attracted those people, some of the things that you did that led to those relationships. And once you start to embody who you really are, then you start attracting the right kind of people who will see you, people who will choose you, people who would allow you the space— many gens— to have the patience to take things slow rather than just jumping into everything and getting married.

So we Thank you for that. We talked about the projector, we talked about the generator, you briefly touched on the manifesting generator. What other Human Design types are there? Can you tell us a little bit more about each of them? I want to see, I want to give our heroines the opportunity to see who they recognize in what you're saying.

Yes, so, so there's two others that I haven't mentioned. So there's the manifestors. So the manifestors are the ones who initiate they're just the, the innovators. They're very— it's like, let's go. So for them, they just let you know, okay, I met you today and, um, we're going into a relationship, I'm ready. Like, no, I just met you. And then obviously now they feel like, why you say no? I just— let's just move forward. Because that's what they do, they just initiate everything. It's like, let's go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And now if you're not a manifestor, you're like, why is he trying to rush me? Like, why? Like, you know, slow down, this must be a red flag. Right? Because if you go by the generic dating advice, it's like a man who's in a hurry, it's a red flag. I used to teach that too. But again, once you understand the person's type, they're like, oh, it's just the mechanism, it's just because he's a Manifestor, he's just like, let's go, right? And then they're the, like, almost the polar opposite of the Reflectors, who are 1%. They're very, very rare wise beings. And just think of them as a mirror, so they cannot but not be a mirror. So they're always looking at what's not working. So imagine being with someone like that. They're constantly evaluating what's working, what's not working. And for the reflectors, they need a whole entire 28 days to make decisions. So if you're a mani-gen or a manifestor who's like, okay, yeah, I see what I like, let's go, and you bump into a reflector, they're like, um, hang on a minute, well, this is not good. Do I even like you? Today they might say, yes, I think we're good, but tomorrow it's like, no, no, I see 20 different red flags, can't do this. Then the third day they're 'Okay, maybe.' And you need to understand that that's how reflectors are and just be able to give them the space, the 28 days that they need to be able to go through their lunar cycle, to be able to know whether they really like you or they don't. So it's very— it will also— and that's just what type is, just one piece of Human Design. Imagine knowing your entire blueprint, how you're actually wired to love. It just takes the guesswork away. It just takes away all the 'Is this the right coach for me? Is this the right, um, strategy? Is this the right?' Now you just come back to being who you are and you just follow your own blueprint. You become your own inner authority. And I think that's what Human Design just teaches you. You know the answers, you know the truth of what only you know, the direction and the how you're supposed to go on this journey.

How much of— because I would assume the answer is quite a bit. How much does the partner's awareness of themselves play into that whole dynamic?

Yes. Okay, so, so before I started on this Human Design journey, I'd also come up with something else I call the Wheel Attraction Pyramid. So it's 3 layers. If you think of a pyramid, 3 layers, and at the bottom you have the chemistry, in the middle you have compatibility, and on the top you have conscious alignment. And at that point I just knew that there's 3 layers. So if you get into a relationship with one of the 3, or it could be all 3, very rare, but mostly 2. So you would have the chemistry, you have the compatibility, which is where most people get married because like, oh, our lifestyles kind of fit, we have similar backgrounds, we have similar experiences in life, we want the same thing, similar values, all of that great stuff. Good. So you're compatible. Chemistry is just the physical, uh, chemistry, which again, your human design tells you exactly what you're attracted to physically. Compatibility and conscious alignment. And so the last piece of the pyramid, which is the top, is the conscious alignment. And that's very rare, and that's what really leads to a lot of breakups for couples who've been together for a long time. So people who've been together for like 7, 10 years, what happens is your life paths, especially if you're nearing 50, because at 50 is when the purpose door starts to, to knock, and it's like, hey, it's time to follow your purpose.

And it's also when we start to say, I don't care what you think, I'm gonna do my thing, and it's time for— because we've given so much to everyone that it's time to give back to ourselves. And I think that's when that journey begins as well. Exactly.

And so at that point, if your purpose is, uh, that's the end of the marriage. Because at that point, it's harder for you to ignore, just like you're saying, that call, that pull. And you're just like, I'm just going to go do this. Like, I believe that this is what I'm supposed to do. We're not aligned, we're done. But you were aligned for the last 20 years. So the pyramid— so like I was explaining, so the pyramid— so the first two, pretty easy, pretty self-explanatory, where I meet you, we're attracted, great. You know, it could last for 1 week, for 2 weeks, for 3 months. Usually at the 3-month mark, chemistry is done. You're like, okay, we have nothing in common, I'm out of here. And then the compatibility, like I said, some people can go through it 7, 10 years. You're compatible, you have kids, life seems to be working until purpose starts to knock on the door, and then it's over. So that conscious alignment piece is so, so key. And I was like, come on, there's got to be a way to figure out if your purpose is compatible. And so in Human Design, there's two angles. So there's three, actually. There's the left angle, the right angle of the Incarnation Cross, it's called. And then there's the juxtaposition, which is very, very rare. But the left and the right, they don't really— they're not really compatible for long-term sustainable relationships. And so I was like, oh, come on, there's got to be a way to be able to do this. Anyway, I cracked the code. So there is a way to check to see if your long-term purpose, you might not be there yet, but like I said, your Human Design doesn't change from the day you're born. Your purpose is stamped. You're already wired to be something. You're here for a mission, end of story. And so there's a way in Human Design to check if you're going to be compatible at that conscious alignment method, but only people who are conscious, so people who are on that personal growth journey, yeah, are able to get there. So if your partner is still stuck at the bottom where chemistry is still all they're looking for, the chances of you attracting a conscious aligned partner is zero, probably not going to happen. So you do the work. The more you do on the work, the more you're able to only attract people who are at that vibrational frequency as you. That way you can attract a conscious aligned partner, which is where your purpose, your soul purpose, can actually be harmonious.

So I like to— one of the things, one of the books that I read when I, after I went through my divorce, was The Five Love Languages. How does the 5 Love Languages play into Human Design?

It does. So in your design, it's fascinating work. And so what I think has happened over the last century or whatever, different people had different pieces of understanding the human race and how this whole thing works. And so the Love Languages came about, I don't know, 20, 30 years ago. And yes, Yes, it is true that we all have one or two primary or secondary love languages, but when you look at your design, it also shows you— it shows you the things you're attracted to at the physical, the chemistry level. It shows you the things at the compatibility level. And like I was mentioning, the conscious alignment is your life purpose. So your Human Design, if you don't know your love languages, your Human Design is going to show you that too. So some people have taken on other love languages that are not really theirs because it sounds and looks good on paper.

Yeah, I, yeah, I can, I can see that. And also because they are trying to align with their partner's love language, right?

Yeah, yeah.

So is it fair to say kind of love languages is kind of the surface piece and then Human Design goes deeper?

Love languages. So I think your love gates is better than love languages, if you ask me, um, because your love gates is how you give and how you receive love. And so it's just deeper in terms of this is who you really are.

Okay.

And so if you look at things like act of service, which is one of my love languages, my Human Design already tells me I like to work for love, right? So I'm just gonna work, right? So it goes a little bit deeper to really explain what that is, because it might look different for everybody, or even the love of gifts, or the love— like, Human Design goes a lot deeper. I tell you, another love gate that I think is really— I don't know if it's scary, or— so there's one about the love of new experiences. They're just people who— so you might meet someone who they chase, like, they chase after this person, like, it's like it's you and nobody else. The moment they get that person they start looking for the next experience. It's gone. It's in their design. But that's the shadow side of them, because now it's like, why am I always chasing new experiences? Why can't I just be satisfied with this person I found? So if you're not aware of it, you're just going to meet somebody, chase them for 3 months, get them, and you're like, okay, next, who's next, um, where next? And you think there's something— the world's going to tell you there's something wrong with you, right?

So in that particular case, what popped into my head was Couldn't somebody for who their love gate is experience, instead of focusing on getting new experience with new people, focus on creating new experiences with the same person?

Exactly, but if you're in your shadow self, if you're not aware, then you're thinking that this new experience has to be with somebody else because it's just that craving inside of you. You're just like, next, next, what's next, next, next, who, who, where, who. It could be so ugly. It's just what's next, right? So when you're in your— in the shadow side of things, you're just going to be jumping from one partner to the other.

Yeah, that makes— that makes complete sense. Cool. Um, anything that we haven't talked about yet that you think is important for our heroines to know?

Yeah, so maybe the— the final parting message for me will be Oh, when I went through my divorce, there was a lot of stigma, and I felt like a failure. I felt like, oh my God, I had held up for so long, and then finally I said yes to this one, and then it ended in divorce. And the world told me that I was a failure. They told me that you're not good at relationships, you're done for, that was it for you, um, you're gonna die alone. But what I know today is when you go through such a breakup that's actually your activation, that's your awakening, that's your like, okay, enough of that now, we've been playing around, now it's time for you to discover who you are and who is right for you. So I really want anybody who has been through a divorce and maybe you're feeling like, I don't know who I am, I'm lost, I'm nothing without a Mrs. title to my name, no, no, no, no, no, this is your activation, this is the time for you to step into the truth of who you really are and really embrace your authentic self, not whatever the world, whatever that relationship. No, no, we need to go back to who you are so that you can operate from that level, and then you will attract the partner that was really right for you.

And I love that because that's one of the things that, you know, we also talk about in the group, is that it is a gift, right? And I think there we need to give ourselves the chance to grieve. We need to give ourselves the chance to digest all of the kind of yucky stuff. But there does come a point where you either get stuck in that or you start to think about, okay, where do I go from here? And that's where the beauty, that's where all the juicy stuff comes in, is that, okay, I've learned, or I am learning, where do I go from here? And that's a beautiful place to be.

Absolutely, absolutely. You get another chance to do it right.

And I just thought of something after I asked you the last question, what was supposed to be the last thing. Uh, that's why I never know where this is going. I want to talk a little bit about career women because one of the things that happened and I think led to the dissolution of my marriage was that I was so focused at work work. And so focused showing up at work in my masculine energy and succeeding at work based on everybody else's definition of success, right? And but that I brought a lot of that energy home. And then when I got divorced, I just went full in on the career because I was like, okay, I don't have time to think about anything else. I just want to go there because it gave me a chance to keep myself occupied and not have to think. So for women who might find themselves in that moment and in that situation, anything that you think is important to share?

Yeah, so for those of us who have gate 40, the ambitious women who love to work, it's okay to temporarily distract yourself. That's what I'm going to call it. It's like a distraction. You just throw yourself into it, like, I can't be done, I'm done with this whole love thing, like, I'm just going to focus on my career and make money and be happy. And then you make the money and you find out that, okay, maybe I'm not happy, but then I'm going to keep working. Maybe the happiness will come. And it's okay for a while, but at some point you need to be honest with yourself. You need to go do the inner work. The inner work is— and again, remember, most of the world, most of us, when we're born and we come into this world and we go through experiences, we're in the not-self. We're not operating from our true self. So we've already attracted the wrong people. Right? So if you attracted the wrong kind of person that matches your love gate, it's okay. Just forgive yourself for that. Like, I didn't know. So now just focus on balancing the pursuit of career with the pursuit of love, because I do believe that love is the greatest gift. I do believe that when you're with the right partner, what will take one person 10 years will take both of you 1 year. It's just the way it's designed to work. So rather than just go all in and go gung-ho and be like, okay, I'm just going to spend all of my time doing this Don't forget that we are human beings first of all, and we do need that interaction. We need that companionship. We need someone— not everybody. For some people, they're like, no, I'm good, and that's okay too. But if it's something that you've desired, it means that you do have the capacity for it. And so do the work and just make sure this time around you're doing it from your authentic place so that you can attract the right person. I always say to women, it's better to be single than to be with the wrong person. Because it just drains you, sucks you, just, just depletes you. It's kind of pointless. So, but the right person, it's worth it.

Yeah, agreed. In French, we say, it is better to be alone than in poor company. So, very cool. Joan, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and spending some time with us. Much, much appreciated. Heroines, I just want to thank you for watching, whether you're catching this live or on the replay. Let us know what you think, if anything that Joan said really resonated with you, just drop it in the comments. Let us know what you're feeling about this. If you're getting some strong emotions around some things, that's a good thing. So don't be afraid to, to go there. I just want to say thanks again for being here, Joan.

Go ahead. As a final, final thing, because I know I've been talking about Human Design and people are like, okay, so where's my Human Design? Where do I get my Human Design? Well, I do. I have created something special for you, I guess. So they can run their Human Design chart and get their dating archetype. So for those who are dating, so it's, it's, it's my full Human Design report is 100 pages, but the dating archetype is one part of your design, but it reveals so much about who you are. So you can run the report, and I also have a private 5 audio podcast that goes along with the your dating archetype to help you start to understand who you are. So some of the things that we've been talking about— what are my love gates, what's my type, how am I supposed to make decisions in love, how do I know who's right for me— that is the starting point. Like I mentioned, it's about coming home to who you really are. Human Design is that tool. It will be recognition. You will probably cry because it's like it even tells you the type of men you've attracted in the past, and it's like, yep, that's my ex right there. And it will also tell you The type of man that your soul is craving. So I think it's a beautiful starting point. Listen to the podcast. It's an audio, it's just 5 episodes, and then run your Human Design chart as well so that you can come back to the real you.

Awesome. So throw those links underneath in the comments like that, easy to find for, for everyone. And again, thank you so much for sharing, Joan, and heroines, we'll talk soon.

Thank you. Bye everyone.