Adult Attachment Theory: Know Thyself

Hello everyone and welcome back to the V Spot. I'm really excited to have this particular conversation with you because recently I had a huge breakthrough around this information and I want to share some of what I learned with you so that you have an opportunity to get to know yourself in a new way. So the call to action with this particular episode is to know thyself. And when I say that, I mean particularly in the area of intimacy and relationship, really. But know thyself. So let's see if you're willing to actually roll up your sleeves and dig in and get to know you and become more familiar with you in perhaps a new way, or for maybe some of you, it's a way that you're already familiar with. But let's look to be intentional and spend some time with this particular topic in the name of coming out of this episode with some awareness, with some curiosity, and with some freedom. So for the purpose of this episode, I want to introduce you to, or reintroduce you to, the topic of adult attachment. Adult attachment. And so let me give you a little bit of a backstory to, um, lay the foundation to how I got introduced to this, and then we'll move forward together. So, um, what I have found, and I've shared in season 1, season 2, that relationships and dating and intimacy, romance Uh, it's certainly been an area of work, and I'm saying that in a nice, mild way. It's been an area of work, uh, that has required and called me forth to, um, intentionally heal and give, you know, real focus and, um, care, you know, to the area. And so there was a lot of things about myself that I didn't quite understand, and I'm going back in time with this particular context. Um, there was a lot about me that I didn't understand when it came to dating and relationship, right? There was a lot of how I would respond and experience the relationship, the dates, the time spent with someone, with a partner, um, things that were said, things that were not said. There was a lot of how I interpreted and perceived, you know, relationship and intimacy that often had me questioning what was wrong with me, right? Because things would upset me. I would be sensitive about some things. I would be worried about some things. I would be triggered by things. And I often wanted to understand, but came from this perspective of what's wrong? Like, why, why is this happening to you? How come you feel like this? Right? And so not that long ago, I was in a therapy session and I was talking to the therapist about the fact that I was just sick and tired of going into beat up when I would have experiences, you know, with men that would leave me questioning and wondering where I stood in the relationship or why certain feelings were being activated. And after her and I were talking and I was explaining about some recent things that were coming up, she asked me if I was familiar with attachment styles. And I wasn't quite familiar. I heard a little bit about adult attachment, but I never actually took time to be with the topic. And so she recommended a book, and I'm going to share that with you at the end of this segment because I'm going to recommend that you too read the book. And, you know, without hesitation, I ordered it from Amazon that day because I wanted to learn more about what she was posing as information and perspective on why I was potentially feeling some of the things that I was feeling. Okay, so I'm going to introduce you to adult attachment. I'm going to tell you some basics about it, and I'm going to encourage and invite you to take time after this segment to begin to dive into you in a way that perhaps can shine the light on some things that you, you were never able to understand up until now, perhaps can set you free of some patterns that you didn't quite understand or have been problematic, you know, and upsetting up until now, and can set you up to move into your future in a new way. So that is what this episode is about— know thyself by way of becoming familiar with your attachment style. And, um, good, bad, different— it— we're not here to place any sort of judgments around where you land and what you come up with. Instead, I merely wanted to record this episode as a means of sharing out with you something that you may or may not be familiar with and give you an opportunity to invite you to go a little bit deeper on self, right? If you are unwilling to do this work, who can do it for you? And so I'm so excited with what I came to learn about me by way of reading this book. And I want to pay it forward and have this, you know, episode be a tribute and an honoring to our attachment styles, whatever they may be, right? So wherever you land. So based on the book Attached— and I will drop it in the chat so that you can get the correct copy should you choose to order it— there are 3 adult styles of attachment. There is the secure style, and those are folks who are comfortable with intimacy, right? They're secure in intimacy. Then there is the anxious style. And those are people who are— they worry about intimacy. You know, they worry about— they crave intimacy, and they worry about their partner's ability to deliver, right? And that's me, by the way. I'm categorized as anxious. And then there is the avoidant type. And the avoidant type is someone who generally connects intimacy to a lack of independence. And so they are people who tend to lean back when intimacy and closeness form. OK, so those are the 3 types— secure, anxious, and avoidant. Now, there was a lot of what I read pertaining to much debate about does your attachment style form merely based on your childhood, or is there more to it? And this particular book shares out the information that there's more to it, right? Life experiences and a culmination of your journey up until this moment in time really paves way to your style. It's not only based on your childhood, right? Your childhood plays a part. How you were cared for or not cared for certainly influences your attachment style, but it's not the only way in which your attachment style is developed, right? So it's a culmination of your life experiences. So First and foremost, there was such a level of relief when I came to identify that, um, anxious attachment style is the descriptive category that I belong to, right? Because the book goes on to give various examples of what tends to happen as a result of being an anxious type. And what— as I was reading, I was like, check, Check, check, right? And so the, the book is a tool. It's not the end-all be-all. It's a tool that suddenly gave me insight into who I am as a woman, being an anxious attached type, and what sorts of things make me very uneasy, right? What sorts of things create a level of, of like don't permit safety. What sorts of things trip the cycle, if you will, and have certain feelings develop? And these are the things that oftentimes throughout my years, I wouldn't quite have language around, but I knew something about what a person was doing or not doing had me experiencing an assortment of emotions that I wasn't always able to articulate. As a matter of fact, I struggled tremendously throughout the years to articulate what it is that I was going through, right? And oftentimes held a lot of shame about what it was that I was going through. So I wouldn't necessarily say— instead, I would act in a way or be responsive in a way that wasn't conducive to a healthy relationship, right? So it's about taking full responsibility. It's about learning thyself in a way where you're able to identify Oh, I have a tendency to feel X, Y, and Z, which has me show up in a particular way. What can I do to feel A, B, and C so that I'm able to show up in a more compassionate, loving, grounded way? Right? So this is not about identifying an attachment style and pointing the finger at your partner at your lover, at your, you know, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, boo, whatever you want to say. This is not about that, right? This is an episode that's dedicated to you. It's for you. It's about you. And there's a responsibility involved, right? So I found that by diving into this book, I was able to really identify parts of who I am and provide clear, you know, indication as to, oh, that's what was coming up then. Oh, that's why I felt like that, right? And again, not about the other person, about what cycle was being tripped in me. So what cycles get tripped in you? Now, you can be committed to pointing the finger at you, at the other person, and blame, play the blame game until the cows come home, and nothing will change for you if you stay committed to thinking and believing that it's all about the other person, because it's not, right? It's all about you. When it's— when we're triggered, it's often said that we can only be triggered, or our button can only be pressed if we have the button to be pressed, right? So what is it about you that has you react a particular way? What is it about you that activates something in you that has feel a certain way. Attached is a book that gives insight to those various things, right? It gives language and tool to something that up until now you may not have an understanding around. I surely didn't. I surely didn't. And I'm so grateful that this book was recommended because not only was I able to really identify parts of who I am, but I was able to really look at past relationships and some of the things that have I would say caused me so much upset and turmoil and really gain a deeper understanding about the other person to say like, ah, this is what was occurring for them. It seems like this is what was happening, right? And it's never personal. We all have our experiences. We all have our attachment styles. We all have the things that have us lean into intimacy lean out, and it's not personal. And so this book is a tool for supporting you in identifying who you are and how you tend to operate, right? It gives some— shines some light on who you tend to choose and how they often operate, and then what you can do to have things be different in the future, right, for yourself. It's not about changing somebody's style. It's not even about changing your own. It's about gaining a deeper understanding of your style, right? And then being able to ask yourself from an empowered place when you're with someone, when you're dating, when you're in relationship, can this person meet my needs? Can I meet theirs? Am I going to complement them? Am I going to, uh, add fuel to a fire? Are they going to complement me, or are they going to activate in me all of my stuff, right? The conversation gets to be very different. So I just want to give you a couple of examples of, um, you know, what it could potentially like wind up looking like so that you can have a deeper understanding of how it shows up. Okay, so when it comes to a secure attached person. They are comfortable with communicating. They're reliable and they're consistent in expressing their feelings, right? So that's how it shows up by way of someone who is secure. Someone who is anxious will be just that. They will be anxious and they will be insecure. They'll be looking to have, like, to experience a lot of closeness and to, um, receive validation so that they know where they stand. Someone whose avoidance has a tendency to give mixed signals, right? Because they don't want to get too close, they don't want to get too far, but they're sort of like, mm. And so there's a lot of guessing that can come by way of what they show. And so it's one example that you can use as a small measuring stick in this particular moment to check in. How do you identify? Are you someone who tends to communicate in a very reliable way and feel comfortable with closeness? Are you someone who tends to need, you know, some reassuring and validation to know where you stand? Or are you someone who is like hot, cold, and depending upon what's going on with you, you may lean in a particular direction? Hence avoidant. What is it for you? Again, suspending the judgment and allowing yourself to merely land in a category, um, as opposed to judging where you believe you are, because that's not what this is about. Where do you feel that you are? Check in. And here's the other thing: after you identify it, for extra credit, ask one of your closest people, what do they think about you? Because you may not identify yourself unless it's strongly— like, I knew when I read the list for anxious style, I was like, ooh, that's it, that's me. It was clear. I knew there was no having to guess. I'm someone that once I'm dating, I always found that I start to kind of get into this, like, second-guessing. I'm wondering, I don't feel 100% at ease. I'm very in tune to subtleties, right? There's like nuances that if they shift a little bit, I'm sort of like, my stuff gets activated.. And it's not from a place of like hypersensitivity and paranoia. It's from a place of being anxiously attached where I'm very in tune. And so I'm looking for the reassurance of should I get experience a disruption in the flow of things, right? So now I'm like less judgmental about where I am and I'm more compassionate about where I fall in this regard. So check in, ask yourself, where are you in terms of identifying according to that one example? And be willing to ask someone else, where did they see you? Someone who you trust, someone whose opinion you value, somebody who really knows you to say, hey, do I have a tendency to— and give the examples to land on. Because you may not have your justification for why you show up in particular instances. May trump how you view your, uh, style, right? Because this is not about being right or wrong. And so there may be an unconscious tendency to want to defend our behaviors. That's not what this is about. So ask someone, hey, what do you think? And see, be open to finding out where you potentially stand. That is just one of many, many characteristics where the different styles is sort of outlined. Okay, and, um, I invite you to take time to learn a bit more. Another example that separates the three styles is a secure person may feel very comfortable discussing where you are in your relationship, right? You know, where are we dating? Are we committed? Are we seeing other people? Are we— all those things. Um, that would be the secure person. They'll feel very comfortable to talk about their feelings and where they are in the relationship. The anxious person may be very, like, suspicious and mistrusting and curious around, hmm, I wonder if they are still on the dating apps. I wonder if they are seeing anybody else. Like, the automatic response is to go to something might not be okay, right? Something may not be right. And there, there's often an uncomfortability and unwillingness to blatantly have the discussion with, with their partner about what it is that's going on, because there's that anxiousness that's like embedded in these aspects of the relationship or dynamics, right? So that's what it shows up to look like for the anxious person. For the avoidance person, they don't want to have these conversations. It's annoying to have the conversation. It's like, here we go again. What do you want to know now? Like, it's that sort of thing. So this is another example where you can check in to identify where do you think that you fall in terms of these 3 categories, styles. Do you identify as somebody who's more than willing to have conversation and talk about your feelings and land on, hey, this is where I am, this is what's up? Are you someone who tends to go on the side of like, hmm, I wonder if— and there's more of a caution and a worry and a like anxious suspicion around it? Or are you someone who's like, here we go, you want to have another conversation? Because then you likely are more of the avoidant attached style. So again, that's just another example of many that outlines the differences between the styles. Now, why is knowing the style so important? I touched on it earlier, but I want to share about it again. Um, depending on who you are and what your style is, you can go well with someone else depending on who they are and what their style is, or you may actually fuel each other's fire, right? You may actually like throw gasoline on each other's fire. For example, it's safe to say, and I'm sure you can hear in these, the share so far, the two different examples, that secure is just that, right? They're the most secure. And so, um, it— the book outlines that they have a tendency to be with other secure people or they can be with anxious people because it's no big deal for them to naturally, um, put their feelings on the table and sort of soothe the anxious feelings that come by way of the anxious attached person. However, the book outlines that anxious types and avoidant types have a tendency to gravitate towards each other and fuel each other's fire. So what does that mean? So the anxious person may— me, let's say I'm gonna use myself as an example, and I'm going to pretend that you are avoidant. So I may experience your mixed signals in a way that has me question, like, where do I stand? What's going on? And so I'll come to you to say just that, like, hey, is everything OK? It seems that something's up, and I just want to check in and be sure. So what does that mean? Something about how you showed up and your mixed signals— I'm using this as an example— kind of like got my antennas going, right? And so I'm activated, if you will. My anxious style is activated. And so I'm coming to you to seek a relief, like some sort of relief and comfort in the closeness, in the intimacy. What does that do? That sets you off as someone who's avoidant because it can be perceived as too much or annoying or clingy or whatever the interpretation is, right? Needy, um, whatever word. Enter your word of choice here. And that has you kind of like, come on, here we go again, right? And so now you're activated and your style is, is in full effect, which may have you want to create distance may have you lean back and start to zero in on how annoying and like whatever your partner is. And so it may be this, you know, that what happens is you— there's a tendency to want to escape the situation, to be like, this is too much, because now your attachment style is triggered. So what do you do? You then lean back or potentially create a distance because now you're like, I need a minute. In which case mine gets activated more. Why are they leaning back? What's going on? I thought that we were experiencing A, B, and C, and now I'm noticing. So now the— and you see how it can become a cycle, a total cycle. So learning about your style and what has you tick, what has you react, what has you lean back, what has you lean in, is so paramount to how you can operate in relationship, right? Because it has you fully aware of who you are and your inner makings and workings, right? So that you're not just acting out of automatic mode. You're not just in response to. You're really able to gain an understanding of, OK, this is what's going on. Which instead of having you potentially have the person seek to soothe you and make you feel better, you are able and in position to be like, I see what's going on. This person is leaning out, so I'm feeling like I'm not good enough or I'm not whatever. And how can I make me feel better in these moments, right? Because it's my style that's sort of activated. Everything's not so personal. So with all that being said, um, I really want to encourage, and I'm so excited and plan to have so many more conversations about this body of work, you know, within my own work, because I see tremendous value in gaining insight and understanding to who we are and what makes us tick. So as I started out this episode by saying, know thyself. Are you secure by nature? Are you anxious by nature? Are you avoidant by nature? And what does that mean about how you tend to show up in relationship? And what does that mean about how you tend to react to relationship, right? And how can you show up differently and come to the table with a new level of understanding of self that has you navigate the world in a less, um, reactionary way, navigate relationships particularly in a less reactionary way. I'm so excited to have this information and insight about myself. And it's a muscle that I continue to flex. And I'm looking forward to my next, you know, relationship and my next experiences to really be able to recognize when things come up, like, ah, with some insight, as opposed to why is this happening? What's going on? Right? And so I want to invite you to do the same. In this conversation about adult attachment. Who are you? Who might be great for you? And what if there's nothing wrong at all, right? And it's just about gaining a deeper understanding of what characteristics you possess and what characteristics others possess that can complement or potentially create problem and friction with you. Take time to know thyself. Nobody else can do this work for you. So regardless of your attachment style, I'm sending you lots of love, reminding you to roll up your sleeves, pause from your busy lives, and take time to get to know you in a way that nobody else possibly can. Because until you're willing to be with you and learn about you in a particular way, you're not going to be able to show up in relationship in a particular way. That's just the name of the game, right? So slow down, be with yourself, share out all the goods with everybody else. Until we meet again for the next episode of the V Spot, I want to say thank you for being with me in this particular way. Until we meet again, to be continued.