The #1 Person You Need To Forgive

Hello everyone and welcome back to the B Spot. Today's segment is really important to me because it's a topic that is near and dear to my heart. The more and more that I have spent time with this particular topic, the deeper and deeper I've been able to go in terms of my healing journey. And there's so many ways in which this particular topic has set me free. And so I wanted to bring it to the B-Spot today and unpack it with you and share a story and also share some tips for why this topic may be really important for you. So first and foremost, you may have heard it said before, if I asked you to name all of the things that you love, how long would it take you to name you? Right? Floats around social media a lot. You may have read it someplace, but that's a really important question. And to echo that and piggyback off that question, I want to ask another question. If I asked you to name all of the people that you need to forgive, how long would it take you to name you? Hmm. The topic of self-forgiveness came up several years ago, and I remember for the first time when I was presented with this idea of forgiving self, I was thinking, no, I don't have anything to forgive myself about. There was nothing that was standing out that was very obvious. And I was encouraged to be with this particular topic a bit more, not to rush, to get creative and think about forgiving self in untraditional ways for untraditional reasons. And so I wanted to stick with it because I was really committed to setting myself free and experiencing a new version of myself that I never experienced before. So, you know, my inner nerd was hard at work and I started to do some looking in not so common places and in untraditional ways, as I said. And I was blown away because the minute the first idea came to me, the floodgates started to open and I started to really recognize so many different places where I was in need of my own forgiveness, right? See, I was conditioned and I was programmed and on autopilot to think about forgiveness and then start to think about everybody else in my life and maybe what they did to me, you know, what I potentially was hurt by. And so whenever the topic of forgiveness came up, I was always looking out. I wasn't paying attention to the person in the mirror. And the moment that I started to actually look within, the floodgates literally opened and I started to recognize more and more and more reasons why I was in need of my own forgiveness. And I was so committed to looking out that I missed it. And there was so many places where I was holding myself hostage and did not even realize it. So that led to me going on a forgiveness journey. With me, you know, and really uncovering lots of stones and getting up underneath choices and decisions and habits and tendencies that I was holding and didn't even realize how detrimental they were to my own, you know, life. And so that is the inspiration for this particular, you know, segment. And it's work that I started to do with clients years later in sessions, because oftentimes when in a session, different things would come up, and really it was self, that it was themselves that they were holding, you know, like keeping on the hook for certain things. And so what I've been able to experience in lots of coaching sessions is literally the witnessing of clients setting themselves free when they're able to identify certain patterns, certain behaviors, certain choices, like lacking certain choices that have really caused them a lot of heartache. And so, I wanna share with you some tips for where, or why I should say, you can forgive you. And potentially, maybe you've been overlooking it. So, I'm gonna share 6 different reasons why you get to forgive yourself. That you're in need of your own forgiveness. All right, number 1, settling. Yeah, so think about it, and I'm going to encourage you for this particular segment, if you don't already have it, grab a journal. I have encouraged throughout the course of the podcast and even the social media community, you know, to get a journal to be able to keep your thoughts in one particular place. Okay, and this is something that's journal-worthy. Right? You can write up on the top of the page, "Reasons to forgive myself," and begin with number 1, settling, and then ask yourself the question, are there situations or instances that you can think of in this particular moment where you have settled? Maybe it's settled to be in a situation that you didn't deserve to be in. Maybe it's settled and you chose into relationship Maybe it's settled by picking a particular workplace that you knew wasn't for you. Like, whatever it is, you can continue to get creative with what that means. But have you settled? And I want you to begin by letting yourself off the hook for those particular decisions, right? Take some time to identify where settling has showed up for you, and then there's an opportunity to go on a forgiveness journey here. The second reason why you might need to forgive you is for not upholding your boundaries. Now, this one is a bit tricky because this came up with lots of different clients in sessions where they will speak about not upholding a boundary, and when we have the conversation of what are their boundaries, they're like, "Hmm." Right? So, it's really hard to uphold a boundary that you have not taken time to identify. So, this is a perfect opportunity to hit pause on the podcast episode and jot down what are your boundaries, what are your non-negotiables, what are things that you are not willing to, you know, deal with and tolerate and allow. And then here's the tricky part. Folks don't know that these are your boundaries, right? So, it's on you that if people do not stick to this, you get to communicate with them, Hey, this doesn't work for me. I don't like when this happens. You know, I don't want this in my life. And then people have an opportunity to adjust and to either oblige and stick to that or not, in which case it's on you then, right, to determine if this is someone that you want in your life or is this someone you want to have another conversation with, or do you want to explain the importance of this particular piece. But there's an opportunity to look at forgiveness and think about if you have not upheld boundaries, and potentially what was the, you know, effect of that. And that's a place to look on the forgiveness journey. The third reason you may be in need of your own forgiveness is seeking validation in external places. Whew! When this one was— when I looked at this piece, I was really like, "Whoa!" Right? The evidence kept coming up, coming up, coming up about how many different times I was looking for validation from external sources, right? Whether that was people, whether that was attention, whether that was affirming comments or statements or opportunities received or whatever the thing is. There was so many different times where I didn't realize that for me to feel good enough, for me to feel worthy, for me to feel valuable, for me to feel like I mattered, I was really relying on the external, and when that didn't come, what do you think that I let— you know, was led to believe about myself? Yeah, that those things weren't true. And that's because I was really looking out to determine my own stuff, my own validating truth. And so I don't know if that resonates for you, but if you are somebody who can identify with that particular piece, there's an opportunity to forgive you, right? To get clear on you looking in the external places. Maybe it's at the bank to see how much is in the account. Maybe it's at the gym to see, you know, or the scale to determine what it is for you. You know, maybe it's someplace else, right? Get creative and enter your own circumstances here. But there's an opportunity to look and identify, ooh, much of my own validating has been dependent on external, and there's an opportunity to shift it again person in the mirror, right? You get to validate you, your worth, your enoughness. It's inherent. It's not going to come from external places. So in order to move through the healing journey on another level, there's an opportunity to identify here where might that be happening, where has it potentially happened and you didn't even realize it. I know for me, I was not aware of the fact that I was even doing this, and then the moment it became clear, I was like, oh, okay. So that's another place to look and potentially get into this, you know, forgiveness journey, you know, to let yourself off the hook in that way and to reclaim your power. The fourth reason that you need to forgive you is for being mean to yourself. Listen, you all, if you heard some of the ways in which I used to talk to myself you would be like, "Sis, chill," right? "Calm down." Because a lot of times, the way we speak to ourselves, it would never be appropriate and we would never do it to somebody else. But yet, we have somehow accepted that this is how we treat us, and that's a problem. So, the criticism, the judgment, the beat-up, the name-calling, the mean statements, the cruel comments, that gets to stop. Right? And you really do get to be in a forgiveness conversation with yourself around what's going on that that is the default. And that is something that I still work through. Okay? I can tell you right now that sitting before you in this moment, how I talk to myself is way different than how I used to talk to myself several years back. But every now and then, make no mistake, the criticism comes through. The Judgment comes through. The initial sarcasm or meanness, especially with time in the mirror, it comes through. And so creating a space for your inner cheerleader, for your inner lover, so to say, to love up on you, that's a muscle to flex. It's not something that happens overnight. And for those of you who are out there that are very much used to speaking to yourself in a cruel capacity, this is going to be a tricky thing at first, okay? So it's not a one and done. This is not something that you go into initially, just have the pendulum swing and be able to be so kind to yourself. It is a process, all right? But I want to ask you to reflect in this particular moment on the way in which you typically talk to yourself. And if you are someone who is mean by nature to you, there's a forgiveness journey to go on, right? Because we want to look at what's going on that that is the way in which you automatically talk to yourself. That's the way in which you automatically treat yourself. And again, I want to remind you, if the person that you love most was near you and someone talked to them the way you talk to you, would that be acceptable? And I'm going to guess that the answer is no. And so it's not acceptable for you either. And therein lies an opportunity to forgive yourself, right? To go on a journey of changing the way in which you treat you. The fifth reason you may be in need of your own forgiveness is for not speaking your truth. How many times have you not defended yourself, potentially shared your reality, honored your truth, whatever it looks like? There were so many times, you all, that this piece, when I was actually making my list and really unpacking all the different places that I was in need of my own forgiveness, There were so many times that I was able to identify that I held back, or I potentially even sort of like lied about my reality, my deep true feelings, what hurt, what didn't, where I was impacted, where I wasn't. I didn't speak my truth a lot of times, and I was able to identify that much of that led to an anger and a resentment. Now, I always thought that it was for other people. But what I came to learn during my forgiveness journey is that much of what drove my anger and resentment was my own holding back, because I was pissed off at myself that I didn't actually honor what was true for me. And so if this resonates for you, there's absolutely a forgiveness conversation to be in with self, because for all the times that you have withheld from the world, from whoever, an opportunity to speak your truth and advocate for you, there might be some stuff living underneath that. And we want to be able to really, um, heal the root, right? Heal the root. Sometimes that saying— I don't know if you've ever seen it— heal the root so the tree is stable. That's the same thing with us. We want to really get up under and treat the root. And so let's look at this particular piece. Are you someone who has not spoken your truth at various times, or even once? And let's acknowledge it, because this is where you need to be with you. And the last reason why you might be in need of forgiving you is for giving up on yourself. Whew! You know how many things I jotted down when I was identifying what I have given up on me about? So many! Right? So sometimes the going gets tough, life happens, things get hard, stuff gets in the way, we fall down. And how many times have you quit on yourself? Now I know for me there was so many times, too many to actually identify. At a certain point I had to basically chalk it up to like, okay, I got it, because there were so many different times that I gave up on me, okay? And it wasn't about identifying these reasons to go into further beat up. It was about really recognizing, wow, this is where trust in self was damaged. This is where I basically said I was going to do X and I did Y, and that left an impact, right? Think about the people in your life. If they tell you that they're going to meet you at 9 o'clock and they don't show up at 9 o'clock, there's a breakdown in a commitment. And that's the same thing that happens with us. And so what do you think happens when breakdowns with self happen frequently and happen often, right? Trust in self is damaged, and that's a whole nother podcast episode. But I want you to really think about this piece of where have you given up on you. Maybe it's on your goals, maybe it's on your dreams, maybe it's on, you know, whatever process or creativity or— again, sky's the limit. It's gonna look different for everybody. It's gonna look different for you than it does for me. But now is an opportunity to think about, hmm, Have I given up on me? Have I given up on my dreams? Have I given up on myself? And there's an opportunity to, yeah, show up, potentially recommit. But again, that's a whole other conversation. For right now, there's an opportunity to identify that and recognize that there was a breakdown in commitment, and you have the ability to forgive you for that, right? And listen, you've heard it said before, forgiveness frees the forgiver. Right? This is about setting yourself free for the hurts, for the, you know, pains, for the disappointments, for the letdowns, for the betrayal of you by you. And it's an important place to begin. It's an important stone to turn over, to get up underneath the you conversation in the— when we're talking about forgiveness. Because again, you may be on autopilot and conditioned to be thinking about what everybody else did or didn't do when you think about forgiveness. But I'm here to tell you that forgiving yourself is a huge part of the healing journey. And until you are going on this particular segment of your journey and being with this piece up close and personal, there are some things that are sort of left unattended to. And I want to be able to support you in looking in the different places so that there's nothing that's sort of left untapped. We don't want there to be uncharted territory because the unconscious mind is, you know, a beast, and there's things that hide out. And so in order for you to be able to make right with others, in order for you to be able to make right with the world, show up in a certain way, feel a certain way about yourself, it means having these hard conversations with self. And oftentimes, it's not productive to have the conversation in your head. It's really valuable to be able to unpack it with someone, and also unpack it on the pages of a journal to be able to really get clear on what it is. So, it's my hope that these 6 reasons why you get to forgive you are looked at today, that you do a bit of, you know, journeying and looking within and really reflecting on these 6 reasons why you are in need of your own forgiveness. And do the work, as, as we like to say, you know, to really be with this particular piece, not dismiss it very quickly. And, um, don't do what I did, which is when asked about self-forgiveness, I was like There was nothing, because there was nothing that was obvious until I gave myself the opportunity to really be with this, and then it all became obvious. And then it was glaring and jumping off at me, jumping off the page at me, that I missed it. I was like, wow, there's a lot here. And so it's a very restorative, um, like reconciliation that happens with self when you're able to really identify and then be with this intentional you know, letting self off the hook for these things, you know. And, um, it's my hope that you seek to go on a forgiveness journey for you, with you. And if you're in need of support, want support, and really want to take things to a new level, I am here. You know where to find me. And let's do this, right? 2024, we're going deeper. We're not going to stay at the surface. And self-forgiveness is absolutely a deeper level that you deserve to explore. And I can't wait to hear about your exploration. So I want to say thank you. I want to wish you luck as you start to journal it out and put it all on the pages. And if you want to talk about it, hit me in the DM and we will talk about it. And until we see each other again, to be continued.