Are You Breaking Your Own Heart?

Hello everyone, welcome back to the V Spot. You know, recently I posted on social media a particular post that received a lot of attention, and so I thought it would be great to have a conversation about it. Um, you know, I had some people reach out to me privately to share what was coming up for them around the post, and I actually created the post based on my own personal experiences and reflection and introspection. So I am going to share it with you here, and let's do some talking about it. So the question that I posed on social media was, are you breaking your own heart? Are you breaking your own heart? And so, you know, this— I want to just tell a little bit of backstory, uh, before I lead up to what I shared, you know, in the post. Um, I was preparing for an event that I was hosting in February and Visions of Love, and I was really looking at, you know, my own experiences with love and dating and romance. And I started to think about this idea of heartbreak, you know, and when I was sort of strolling down memory lane, I started to look at various experiences of mine and the idea hit me that oftentimes when I experienced heartbreak in the past, it was because I broke my own heart. And so let me elaborate a little bit and see if any of this resonates with you. Um, so the first way that I was looking at this was by way of settling, right? So I started to look at again my own experiences and was thinking about times when I settled, right? Like, if I wasn't exactly, um, getting from my partner in, in whatever way what I felt I truly wanted, what I, you know, believed I deserved, but for whatever the reason, right? And there for so many different reasons, right? We could spend probably 2 weeks talking about all of the different scenarios about why, um, I started to think about settling as a means of breaking my own heart, right? And so I— a lot of the things that I'm going to share with you in this particular segment I came up with because I've experienced it. And so when being honest and taking an inventory about breaking my own heart. These are ways that they, they definitely identify with, you know, I identify with them. So, um, settling— the invitation tonight is to take inventory and look at, does that strike a chord? Do any of the things that I share here with you strike a chord? And it's something to just take inventory over, right? So The first way is settling. Um, and again, it could look a lot of different ways, but you want to ask yourself, are you aware of the fact that you're not entirely happy or fulfilled or, um, connected? Yet for whatever the reason, there's a decision to, uh, to stay. And so when I looked at my life and my past experiences, this definitely came up. And what I found when I started to like sort of peel back the layers of it was, yeah, I absolutely settled at times, and there was an experience of heartbreak involved, right? So, um, settling is the first way. The second way that I want to mention is, um, choosing into situationships. That's one of my— that's— I like that word. Choosing into situationships when you really desire something else. So let's like sort of look at this one a little bit, some examples. So, um, what, what could that mean, right? So if your true desire is to be in a loving, committed relationship, right? And again, that has been my true desire. And you find yourself entertaining something that is far from the loving, committed relationship, there's this experience of choosing into something that is not aligned with what you really desire. And so, you know, I could speak firsthand and say that at times when I've cho— when I've like chosen into certain circumstances like this, there's often this conversation of having control. Well, like, I trick myself. Oh, you know, yeah, this is all right. Uh, well, this is okay for now, right? And, um, Things happen and feelings happen and experiences, you know, sometimes go down different roads, and inevitably heartbreak happens, right? And so again, there's an opportunity to look— are you choosing into a situationship when what you really desire is a relationship? And if the answer is yes, there's an opportunity to check in. Are you breaking your own heart? If you're navigating upset and coming up empty-handed, feeling like the other person, right, is, is not delivering in the way that you want, there's an opportunity to check in. All right, so that's the second way. The third way is, um, accepting the bare minimum. So let me know if anybody out there, if this— if you identify with this. Have you ever found yourself in a relationship, um, you know, situationship we're gonna go with since I just used that, where you were accepting the bare minimum from someone? Right, so this is another area that I was reflecting around, and I landed on in choosing in or, or staying, right, and being in this sort of dynamic where you're getting bare minimum, heartbreak is absolutely happening. And again, when I took inventory around this, I was really impacted by the realization that I was in the driver's seat, right? And by, and by being in the driver's seat, I mean I was choosing into certain situations. And so, um, I got a lot of inbox messages around this. You know, people definitely felt like, oh, you know, there was like, there was, uh, it was striking nerves. And I thought that there was great value in looking at this and talking about it more since there was— it was landing in different ways, right? And so for whatever the reason, um, sometimes these things are occurring and we're not— we're so close to them that we don't have direct access to them. So, um, I want to put that on the table. Are you breaking your own heart by accepting bare minimum and then navigating the upset and the heartbreak and the disappointment around what it feels like to, uh, be in a relationship or whatever that is not yielding the sort of results that you believe you want, you desire, right? So there's an opportunity to check in. Um, okay, so that was the third. Like, let's, let's see, the fourth way, um, in terms of— hold on a second, I drew a blank. So I want to look at settling, choosing into situationships, um, accepting the bare minimum. I don't— there's, there's another one I wanted to talk to you about, but, uh, let's go with this one: opting in, agreeing to have a sexual relationship when you want more, right? And so this is— this one was a hot topic. This one got a lot of attention. And, um, you know what happens when you go in, right? We have desires, we have wants, uh, there's attraction, there's chemistry, there's all of this good stuff that happens. And, um, again, what we what we desire is more in the bigger picture. So what happens when we're now in a situation and you're finding that your need, like the bigger context of your vision isn't being met? You know, the conversations that I was having was it's hard to walk away to have nothing, right? There's this level of comfort that people expressed, you know, but I feel comfortable, we already have a certain chemistry. Um, there was an aspect of time that was, that was talked about. You know, we've been in a relationship in this way, spending time with each other for a long amount of time. So to start over or to meet someone new— there was the pandemic talk, right? You know, uh, it's a pandemic, right? I'm not gonna go out and meet anyone else. But there was this opting in, and in a sense, there's a couple of things happening here. Settling for when it doesn't align with what you truly desire. And so inevitably, all of the conversations were around, yeah, I am breaking my own heart because I am accepting and choosing into A when what I really want is B, right? And so, um, I thought that there was great value in bringing this up to you in this particular way, to put it on the table right, to really encourage you to do an inventory and, and check into, are you breaking your own heart? I think that oftentimes we are conditioned— and I'll speak for myself, my default was always to react and then, you know, kind of point the finger in terms of how come you are not doing A, B, and C. But when I was preparing for Visions of Love and looking at this idea of breaking my own heart I was really being with the responsibility of what it meant to be choosing into different situations. You know, it was different relationships over the course of my life, and what I found is, um, I was the one choosing in, right? And so choosing in and betraying what I genuinely desired created a certain experience of heartbreak, and that was not heartbreak to put on anyone else. That was heartbreak that I was able to take responsibility for. And so it was empowering. There was a freedom around it, right? And there was also a lot of insight regarding how to move forward, right? And really get clear on what is it that you truly desire. I was asking me, and I'm asking you this at the same time, what is it that you truly desire so that you know when you encounter something that's different, right? When you're not getting the, the experience that you envision, you know to avoid it, right? Because you are the keeper of your heart and you want to make sure that you take care of your heart in a very tender, loving, caring way, right? Nobody else is going to be able to do that for you. So there's a call to action to really hone in on what do you genuinely desire when it comes to love, relationships, um, romance, partnership. And once you know, you'll be able to identify if you're steering off course. And look, we're human, right? So you're going to potentially steer off course. And so there's an opportunity, and this is also where integrity comes in, there's an opportunity to check in and then recommit to your goals and your desires, right? And so I've been doing a lot of recommitting, um, I've been doing a lot of looking within, a lot of owning responsibility for my experiences. And it really, in, in this particular department— and I'm still trying to recall the last way I wanted to, uh, I wanted to share with you. But in this particular department, um, it got me thinking about the concept of hurt people hurt people. And I was originally going to do a whole segment on that particular topic, and maybe I will, right? Maybe I'll revisit it. But in the context of this particular episode What I want to really do is change the way we actually hold hurt people, hurt people, and invite you to see that what I've been thinking about is hurt people, hurt people. And so I have been hurt and I've hurt myself. And I think that when we speak about hurt people hurting people, we often speak about it to others, right? How do— how does somebody who's hurt treat someone else? And I never thought about how does someone who's hurt treat themselves. And so in this particular conversation, are you breaking your own heart? I've absolutely answered yes to that question, uh, far too many times that I'm actually, you know, um, whatever, proud to say, but it's the— it's the truth. And as I've been unpacking it and processing it and extending myself compassion and grace and love, what I really landed on was Hurt people hurt people. And so, um, a lot of personal development work, in my opinion, involves forgiveness. And, um, that's what I've been, you know, sort of being with on this journey. And I wanted to share it with you, and I wanted to encourage you to ask yourself, like, the questions: are you breaking your own heart? Are you settling? Are you choosing into situationships that do not align with your deeper desire? Are you accepting the bare minimum? Are you betraying yourself? Finally came to me. Are you betraying yourself? And the invitation is to look at What part of you is hurting that has you choosing into any or all of the, you know, the reasons or ways that I just shared with you? And be loving and compassionate and kind to yourself as you look at this, because I could tell you firsthand, this is not easy stuff to be with, but there's tremendous impact and value and really honing in on, like, what's going on with you, right? So tonight is really about taking responsibility in a new way, and, um, I'm excited for you to peel back the layers and look, you know. And you don't have to do it alone. So if any of this or all of it, you know, strikes a chord and you want to have a conversation and look at it a little bit deeper, you know where to find me. Um, in the meantime, I'm going to tell you what I said in the social media post. If you are breaking your own heart, stop right now in the name of love and start to take care of your heart with the most TLC that you could absolutely come up with. So let me know what comes up for you. I'm looking forward to hearing from you. Um, I want to say thank you for tuning in to this episode of The V Spot. To be continued.