Grief + Grieving

Hello everyone and welcome back to The B Spot. For today's episode, I'm going to spotlight grief and the stages of grieving. Um, you know, this week I experienced an unexpected sudden loss of a loved one. My cousin Michael, and I found myself catapulted into the various stages of grief, you know, moment to moment, really. And as I've been navigating and crying and experiencing all of the ups and downs and emotional roller coaster that is attached to sudden news, shocking news, um, the reality right, of, of living without a loved one. Got me thinking about a lot of different things, and I felt that it was important to come to you for this particular segment to talk about grief and share a couple of feelings, insights, um, things pertaining to the process to support you, and potentially if you're holding space for the loved ones to support them. And so there's no way to prepare to grieve, right? It's one of these— it's one of these things. Like, I would say that death and loss and letting go of a loved one is the hardest part of life, is death. Now, some may disagree and you may feel differently, but I believe that death and wrapping hands around the reality is the hardest part of life. And, um, there's no prepping, there's no preparing, there's no, um, being able to make sense of suddenly finding yourself in the process, you know. And these last couple of days have been a lot of me, um, giving myself exactly what I need. Right? So in some moments, that's crying and letting out all of the emotion pertaining to the sadness and the shock. Right? In some moments, it means being still and quiet and not taking phone calls. You know, in other moments, it means showing up in spaces where I am able to participate in conversations and calls, right, in the name of connection and service, right, uh, all the different things. But it's been a moment-to-moment checking in around what's needed. And so what I want to offer to you, if you are someone who is currently navigating grief and grieving, I want to invite you to, um, Handle yourself with tender, loving care and be willing to give yourself exactly what you need when it occurs. You know, whatever that is, it doesn't have to make sense to other people, whether it's a day off from work, you know, whether it's quiet time, whether it's surrounding yourself with loved ones, whatever it is for you. Be willing to give yourself, you know, what you need. Um, the stages of grief and grieving continuously come up in these last couple of days, uh, because what I have learned when I have researched and, you know, been with the topic of grief and the stages of death and dying in the past is that, you know, the stages of grieving are sometimes occurring moment to moment., right? It's not necessarily day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year. And so for those of you who may not be familiar, um, traditionally there were 5 stages of death and dying that were, um, researched and talked about by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. She is the person who did a lot of work around this particular topic, and the initial stages that she highlights in her work are denial, bargaining, depression, sadness. Um, I think she references a sadness. Um, denial, bargaining, anger, and acceptance. So those are the 5: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance. And so what she spotlights is that her work was originally done with terminally ill patients who were navigating their own mortality. And what she found is that the steps and the stages of grief and grieving were also appropriate and experienced by those who were navigating grief and lost someone, right? And so denial is just that. It's this, you know, this can't be, how could this be? It's this, like, the mind's having a hard time accepting what is, you know, the reality. And so there's a— it goes into this, like, It can't possibly be the case, and that's denial in terms of the stages. And then bargaining is very much like, if I only had another chance to have a conversation, you know, I would do anything to be able to spend one more day, week, month, year with my loved one, right? It's like this, uh, phase of bargaining, you know, with the higher power, if you will, and trying to be able to get additional time, if you will, or not even time. It could be, you know, a different level of acquisition, if you will. Like, I don't know how to say it. Could be that you're bargaining for, if only I was able to say this, you know, if only I was able to blah, blah, blah. But in any case, you're in essence bargaining for something. And then there's anger, right, which is a natural emotion to come up during the grieving process because there's so much pain connected to the loss of a loved one, um, that there's anger that arises, you know, whether it be for, you know, at God or your higher power, whatever it is that you believe, whether it be connected to medical doctors and, you know, people who were taking care of, you know, your person or not taking care of the person, uh, family, friends, things, right? Like, there's, there's an experience of anger because that accompanies the grieving process, and it's a very natural part of the process, right? And then there is, um, sadness and depression. You know, um, natural, right? The, the grieving process really brings on feelings of intense sadness. You know, losing a loved one is not easy. And so there's a natural level of, um, hurt, ache, pain that accompanies the process. And so that's a very natural part of the grieving process. And then there's acceptance, which is just that— accepting the reality, you know, that your loved one is no longer here, um, in this physical, you know, realm. And, um, what I've learned in the last couple of days and my own particular journey is that in any given moment I'm in any of those particular stages. Right? There have been moments where I'm literally in conversation of, this can't possibly be. There's a shock. There's a, you know, almost like refusal to believe. And that's denial. And then there are moments where I'm angry. This isn't right. It shouldn't be like this. You know? And that's kicking up. And then there are moments of like, wow, this is part of life. Right? There's this acceptance around this is the hardest part of life. And nonetheless, it's a part of life. And there's the moments of acceptance and this, like, being with the reality that occur. And all of it changes so quickly, you know? And so there's been so many times that I've basically talked with myself in the last couple of days about it's okay to be exactly where you are, you know? And this is a process. And you will find yourself experiencing new feelings soon, right? Because they're so uncomfortable and painful, what you go through when you're grieving, that you often want to bring yourself someplace else, right? Like in terms of take yourself out of the experience because it's hard to be with, right? You're going through it. And so the stages are very beneficial to be aware of as you're navigating because sometimes moments can feel so dark that when you have access to, okay, this is part of the process, this is part of what happens, this is natural, you can support yourself and soothe yourself through. And not only yourself, others, right? So when somebody's experiencing anger and experiencing, you know, the sadness, you're able to hold space for them as part of a very natural,, you know, part of the grieving journey. And so I wanted to come on here today to talk about the fact that these are the stages. At any given point, you could find yourself in any of them. You're not doing grief wrong, right? Um, give yourself exactly what you need. And what I love about, uh, the work pertaining to grief and grieving is something that came more recent in the, um, you know, research around the stages. And that was a sixth stage of grieving that, um, was offered and brought to the table by David Kessler, who is someone who worked with Elizabeth Kübler-Ross for quite some time. And he recently put out a book, and the book is called Finding Meaning. And finding meaning is what he says to be the sixth stage of grief and grieving that we actually navigate indefinitely. Because after the loss of a loved one, we go on to find meaning in a changed world without that person, in a changed version, version of ourselves, because we're completely impacted and altered, you know, by way of going through the grief of losing someone that we love so much and, um, what life is like as we navigate that sixth stage, right? How we operate in this new world, this new, um, reality, you know? And it's a profound stage that I think, um, hasn't been spotlighted as much as the original stages. And I want to invite you that if you are someone who's navigating a loss, or if you're someone who is doing work where you hold space for other people, to become familiar with the stage of finding meaning so that, you know, you are able to, you know, grasp and access different parts of what it means to be navigating life in a new way without someone. Someone that you love, you know, um, and what it means for you to find meaning, because it's going to look different for you, it's going to look different for me, it's going to look different for everybody else, right? It's a very personalized stage of the grieving process, um, and so the book is called Finding Meaning. It's by David Kessler. And it pertains to this aspect of spending our days navigating a new, a new way, you know. And so I suggest that you check it out. I'm absolutely, um, in the midst of it and, uh, wanted to, you know, share that with you. I also want to close out this, you know, this segment by spotlighting a couple of truths, if you will. Um, there's no timeline for grief, so you aren't expected to feel better by a certain date. And, oh, it's been a year, why are you still upset? Right? There's a lot of these things that we hear during the grieving process, um, and I want to invite you to dismiss it. You know, you are entitled to your feelings, your experience, and, um, it doesn't have to make sense to other people. Now, with that being said, if you are someone who is currently navigating grief and you are finding that your quality of life has been impacted in a way where you are not doing certain things, you are isolated, experiencing profound amounts of depression and struggle, there is support available for you. And this is not support that is designed to, ta-da, everything's great. No, but it's support by trained professionals who are able to hold space for you and be able to walk alongside you through a grieving process, you know, ultimately supporting that you, um, you are able to access levels of daily living and you are able to find joy in small moments at the same time that you continue to navigate life in the absence of your loved one. Right? So I want to say that to you because if you are someone who is struggling and in need of support, it absolutely exists, and it's really not designed to like erase your memories. You know, I've heard many people say like, I don't want to go to bereavement support because they feel as though it's like, you know, they're abandoning their loved one. And that's not it. It's really, you know, designed to hold safe space for you. While also supporting you and being able to live the life that you dream of living, right? 'Cause both could be true at the same time. You get to grieve and still live your life, you know, because you're here and able. And that's a very, very difficult thing to wrap hands around at times too because there's so much guilt that often accompanies grief. Not in all cases, but in many cases, where it's like survivor's guilt, you know? And so there's an invitation on the table to step into and try on like survivor's grace, you know, which is a term that I heard from a mentor at one point, which is, you know, the giving yourself permission and, you know, allowing yourself to live because you are here and able. And your loved one would want you to, right? And so support does exist. This is not about disregard everybody who, you know, is, is concerned about maybe how you're experiencing the death of a loved one, but it's more an invitation to recognize that support is on deck. And if you are recognizing that it is impacting you in a way where you are struggling day to day to do your things and, you know, access any level of, uh, fulfillment or satisfaction in your own life. You deserve to be supported, you know. So that's, that's one thing. So grief has no timeline. Second thing, time does not heal all wounds, right? Time does not heal all the wounds. When it comes to grief, it's often a wound that exists indefinitely. It starts to you know, I would say fade in the way that it, like, we are able to go on to have day-to-day operation in our life and, you know, start to like, you know, move through the world a little bit easier, for lack of better words. But I mean, you know, my father passed away in 1998. There's times where when I'm having conversations with about him and missing him, You know, the emotion and the experience and the intensity is here and here, so much so that one might think it happened last week, right? And these are the parts of us that where it doesn't go away. And so time doesn't heal all the wounds. So this is not a call to action to try to erase what it is that you're feeling, but it's a call to action to be able to tend to self and give yourself permission to heal and be with and feel and recognize that you are, you are changed as a result of such a drastic loss. And you get to be with that, right? And nobody has to, nobody can or has to force you to be someplace else. And there's no shame and there's no beat up for being exactly where you are. Right? It's a very personalized journey, and, um, you get to be on that journey, right? And this is the hardest part, I say, of life, because who wants to be on that journey? Nobody. And then you suddenly find yourself here. I'm here. And all of the emotions and logic and everything goes out the window, and you are navigating like, how in the world, and what do I do, and how do I process, right? A very natural experience when it comes to grief. And so I'm gonna end the segment by reading a quote that I think is exceptionally powerful. I shared it on social media, and I want to share it to you here in hopes that you'll find some level of comfort and acceptance and support in these particular words and this particular episode. As a whole. The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one. You will learn to live with it. You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same, nor should you be the same, nor would you want to. And that's a quote by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler. And so, um, I close out this episode by letting you know that, um, if you are someone who is grieving, I'm thinking of you. If you are someone holding space for people who are grieving, I'm thinking of you. This is absolutely part of the human experience, the most unpleasant part, the difficult part to wrap hands around. Uh, you're not alone. I know I'm not alone. And, um, I dream of a world where we're able to hold safe space for each other to experience all the different parts of the human experience without judgment, without beat up, you know, without shame and, um, all of the things. And my way of being able to contribute to a world where people feel safe to be exactly where they are and have the conversations that are difficult and courageous is to show up like this, you know, in the midst of grieving and going through my own process. I want to hold safe space for you to go through yours and let you know I'm thinking about you, let you know that it was important for me to be here in this way because For me, this is absolutely a demonstration and choice to lean into vulnerability as opposed to leaning out and not allowing myself to be seen and talk about what it is that I'm going through. There was a call to action today to actually, um, share and be with the hard parts of this particular portion of my journey, and, um, Take good care of you. Take good care of each other. Love up on your people. Don't take for granted this, you know, the power of now, right? Make your phone call, send your text messages, check in, um, because this is what we have. You know, tomorrow is not promised, and oftentimes shocking things take place that really jolt us into that reality, you know. And, um, yeah, it's important to, uh, fulfill your dreams, live the life that you want to live. Don't postpone your passions and your experiences. Um, and this particular episode is dedicated to My cousin Michael, who, if anyone demonstrated living life to the fullest and living the life that he dreamed of living, he did it so powerfully, um, courageously held space for, you know, allowed for people to feel safe and be able to do their thing. And, um, this episode is dedicated to my cousin Michael, and, uh, it is my hope that you are riding free. I'm confident that heaven is a better place because you are now in it. And for everyone who is going through grief and grieving I want to let you know that you are not alone, that your level of TLC is important right now. So turn up the dial, be kind to yourself, be patient with your process. You're not expected to be anywhere except for where you are. Lean into support as opposed to leaning out. And seize the day, right? Because it's all we actually have— the day, the power of now. So thank you for being here for this particular segment of the V Spot. Grief and grieving is a complex topic that deserves lots of time, right? I'm clear that it's not about one episode for a half hour. It's all been outlined, but I wanted to share on the topic and remind you that wherever you are, it's okay to be there. And, um, the journey is absolutely a journey. The process is surely a process, and you will continue to move through. Um, yeah. And until we meet again, everybody, thank you for being here for this episode of the V Spot. To be continued.