Let's Talk About Dating!

Hello everyone and welcome back to the V Spot. This episode is going to be a response to a question that came in on the V Spot hotline, and this one is going out to Tanisha from Charlotte who asked When the time comes, how do you get back into dating? When the time comes, how do you get back into dating? So you might be wondering why I'm smiling, why I'm laughing, and I think this is epic and hilarious because, um, in ways I'm like, Tanisha, you got jokes, right? Because this is what I would say is my life work. I have certainly struggled with this very topic. Um, so in full transparency and full vulnerability, this episode is going to be a mix of the practical response combined with a personal response and shares, and also a bit of pulling back the layers to go a bit deeper to the heart of the matter. Okay, so, um, I couldn't help but laugh when I heard the voice message because I was sitting and listening like, hmm, right? Huh. So I want to first go on the record and say I by no means am an expert or a, um, dating connoisseur, right? Um, I have absolutely navigated difficulty, pain, hurt feelings, and struggle in this area. So when I share with you some practical stuff mixed with personal, it very much is going to go back and forth to really answer the question and unpack the many layers that I believe reside in the question and in the answer, really. So when the time comes, how do you get back to dating, right? So in a, a very basic, simplistic, practical, uh, standpoint, from that standpoint, I will answer and basically encourage you to recognize that just like riding a bike. When you decide to begin dating again, your body, the way it knows how to sort of find the balance on the bicycle, um, your being, if you will, will find the balance in the experience of putting yourself out there and dating, right? So you may opt for dating apps. You may put yourself— ask friends to introduce you and to keep you in mind when the time comes that you want to start to go back into the dating world. You might all of a sudden walk around in, you know, familiar places, paying attention to who's around you and being open to the possibility that you can meet someone unexpectedly at a grocery store, and conversation can start, and it can go from there. Um, so I think the how to start dating is the practical piece because it basically comes down to the simplistic answer of, well, you start to put yourself into social situations where you have the ability to meet someone. You start to have more conversations where you are potentially opening the door for a romantic, you know, experience to grow and take place and unravel. Um, you are opening yourself up to the possibilities of sharing your world and starting to interact with someone else because you opted back into dating. So I think the how is easy when we're talking on a very practical level. What I believe to be more complex, and what certainly has been more complex on my journey is the healing work and the overcoming of the struggle and hurt feelings and fear that lived inside of the decision to get back into dating. Okay, so for me personally, there was a time— and I speak about this in season 1 of the podcast, so if you haven't already, I encourage you to go back to season 1, look at the episodes, and particularly an episode entitled Armor and Isolation highlights my decision, if you will, to stop dating, to armor up, and stay for almost a decade in an intentional period of isolation, right? After being hurt, I opted out and didn't want to put myself into a situation where I could potentially be hurt again, where I would have to open up my world and share of myself with someone else, because there was a lot of, at the time, disbelief that it could possibly go well, mistrust in, you know, men, what I come to learn later was actually mistrust in myself and an unwillingness to be with vulnerability that is involved in dating and love, right? Because it's a risk. There is uncertainty. You don't know how it's going to turn out. And all those years ago, I wasn't willing to take that risk. And so I made a decision, a conscious decision that, mm-mm, I'm not doing this. And months turned to years, and years turned to literally almost a decade. And so I speak about that in that episode, and I encourage you to go back and listen because I do believe that there's insight and value in that episode that could shed light on this particular topic in this moment. But if there came a time where I recognized that I didn't want to be in isolation anymore, right, because in my pursuit to keep people out, I was suffering in solitude. And when I made the decision that I wanted to emerge from that dark era, if you will, um, there was a lot that I needed to face in terms of my feelings my fears, my discomfort, and self, really. Um, and so when I hear you ask the question, when it's time, how do I start to date again? What I really hear is the call to action to do the healing work around what has dating not on deck right now. And I know that for everybody who's listening, that's a very personalized response, and it can sound a lot of different ways and look a lot of different ways based on you and your experiences. And so there's no generalizing here, but I think that the generalization speaks to something has you opting out, and that is the piece to look at. Right? What is going on? What has occurred that had you stop dating? Um, what are your beliefs about dating? What are your fears when it comes to dating? Are there any feelings unresolved that need to be looked at, that need to be made peace with, that require your attention, your focus, your healing, right? Are there any beliefs that you currently possess that has you in the space of thinking there's something about you now that doesn't allow for you to be dating. And until you reach this place, this whatever milestone or change or arrival of some sort, you can't be dating. Um, and that resonates for me. There was a lot of looking at, well, what had me opt out? And there was a level of going through the healing work that had to do with that particular episode. Um, you could hear more about that episode if you listen back to um, Courageous Conversations. That was the name of the episode where I discussed that. And aside from, you know, me looking back at what happened, I had to also look at all of the discomfort that was residing in me at the time, right? And there was a lot of discomfort. There was an unwillingness, like I said, to be vulnerable. There was tremendous fears, many, many layers. And then there was like this intermingling or intertwining what was occurring by way of dating or no dating with some of the other insecurities insecurities that I have. And so there was a lot of, like, if you can imagine a breed, you know, I was really— I had really braided together like a French breed because there's 3 parts to that. I really braided together worthiness, body and body image and the insecurities that came by way of that, and dating. And so when I was in my season of intentional healing around this particular area of my life, it really meant one by one looking at these three pieces and doing the healing work to journey through all of the roadblocks, all of the obstacles, all of the fears and upset and hurt feelings that were residing within the three different components. Um, and that was a journey to go on, you know. And I remember very, very clearly, um, Maybe this is a story to tell now. I will just go with it. But I remember very clearly wanting to make a change in this particular area of my life and being very, very, very scared to actually do it. And I was part of a leadership program at the time where I was actually serving as a support coach in this 90-day personal development training. And part of it meant to set goals as coaches in addition to being on the journey where we supported the participants with their goals and their journey. And one of my goals at that particular time was— this is so funny, I didn't expect to go here. I'm just gonna trust it and lean in and lean into the vulnerability of it all. One of the goals that I made at that particular time was to go on one date, right? And when I was sharing my goals at the start of the journey with the other fellow coaches and the facilitator who was leading the 90-day journey, I received a lot of feedback and questioning around one date. You have 90 days to go on this journey. One date seems so little. And to them, I could understand how that seemed to be the case. But to me, one date was huge, right? I literally just spent a long time opted out of the dating scene. I was sort of watching the love parade pass me by for many years. And, um, You know, I say, don't get me wrong, I had interactions and was like mingling, but any, any sign of like interest or anything that could remotely come close to something going, you know, further, I would be like, pump the brakes. And so, um, I understood that hearing one date in this capacity seemed so little, but I was super clear and I knew, uh, for me it was tremendous. And so the journey is going, and one month passes, and two months pass, and we go into the third month. And the way that I was holding dating, you know, at this time, go on one date, was that somebody was going to ask me on a date and I was going to go on this date and have an experience. And it was— it didn't happen that way. So I was in the third month, I was getting closer and closer to completing this program, and I was taking stock of the fact that nobody asked me yet, right? So I was in a commitment to to turn this goal out, but I didn't know how it was going to happen. And what I needed to do— and this is an important piece to spotlight for you and for anybody else who's listening that's on a journey, that's working towards something, that wants to create a particular result, um, and you are met with a roadblock or it doesn't happen the way you want it to— my offer in this moment is to remind you, encourage you, and, you know, all of the things, motivate you to change the route, don't ditch the goal. Change your route. Do not ditch the goal. So at this time when this was occurring, I had the goal of going on one date. I was not asked on a date as of this particular time. And I was met with a decision. Do I say, forget it, I'm not going to do this, and throw my hands up? Or do I change the route, not ditch the goal? And that's what I decided to do. Um, instead of waiting and only holding this goal as complete if someone asked me on a date, I decided to sign up for a speed dating event and go into Manhattan on a Thursday at this particular time to attend a speed dating event. I've never attended anything like that. And I figured this was my way of standing for my goal, standing for the vision, which was to go on a date. Right. And so now it's the night of the event and I'm here in my apartment and I'm getting dressed and I'm so stressed, I'm so nervous.. And I'm like, I don't want to go, but I did want to go, right? Like, I wanted to see this goal through because really what I wanted to do was show up for the fact that I want to be back dating and I wanted to do whatever it took to actually turn that out. But I didn't really want to, right? Because I was afraid, I was feeling nervous, I was feeling scared and just overwhelmed by like the awkwardness of it. And I never did this and I was like, Ah, right. And I didn't want to go. And I remember being here, and at the time my roommate was like, you don't have to go. And I was like, no, I have to go. Like, I have to do this because it was again me standing for my vision, my goal, my bigger picture, which was I wanted to experience myself in relationship and start to get into that again. And so I'm driving into Manhattan to attend this event, and I'm like so just uncomfortable and nervous and feeling like awkward and thinking, ah, you know, like, how did it all end up here? And, um, I didn't know what to expect. And at the time, this is like pre-pandemic, um, I was just like coaching myself literally to, you know, how to interact, you know how to be, um, in communication with men, and you know how to talk and, you know, flirt and just be. So allow yourself the opportunity to do it. Um, and as I was— I parked the car at a parking lot, I was crossing the street. I was in Hell's Kitchen, I was crossing 9th Avenue, and as I was walking towards the place, I was overcome with the most extraordinary, unusual calm. And I literally felt it like from head to toe come over me, and I was just like, all right, you know. And I went in, had the experience, right? So it wasn't just one date that night, there was like 8 to 10. I don't know, it's a couple of years ago, so, um, it was about 8 to 10 mini dates And there was so much that I learned about myself that night, you know. There was so much of when I was driving home thinking like, that's— it is like riding a bike. You know how to be— to share moments with someone. You know how to conversate. You know how to sort of like vibe back and forth, um, or not, right? Because sometimes in speed dating, it's so interesting how Someone sits in front of you and like instantly you're like, this isn't it. And I remember driving home thinking like, number one, I was so happy about the fact that I jumped back in in this way and that I pushed myself and encouraged myself because what I was actually nervous about had nothing to do with going and communicating and interacting with men, right? What was actually coming up for me was that— was the discomfort around the insecurity. It was the discomfort around having spent so far, so long away from it. It was the fear of not— it won't work out. It was the fear of like, what if I actually meet someone, right? Because then that led to the vulnerability of sharing of myself in a way that means risk, right, and uncertainty, not knowing how it's going to work, and trusting myself, right, to make a, a good judgment call, right? Is this something for me? Is this something not for me? And so those are the things that I was afraid of, and I share that with you in this particular moment because there's an opportunity for you to look at what is it that has you not dating right now. And that's the work that I encourage you to do, because how to start dating will be very easy when it's time for you to actually step back in. There's a million ways to step into it, right? I mentioned some of them earlier. There's apps, there's experiences, there's meetups, there's interactions and introductions. There's literally becoming more aware of who's around you just in regular spots that you frequent every day. But the how is not the part. I think there's another layer. And the other layer that I'm inviting you to be with and start to dive into on purpose is what is occurring that has you out of the mix to begin with, right? What needs your attention? Are there any unresolved experiences? Have you been hurt and you need to process it? Is there any betrayal and you need to make peace with it? Oftentimes it's making peace with self, right? What is it for you? Because I think those are the parts that may feel more complex and confusing because they're actually not being looked at. But the how becomes very easy when you really do the healing work. Um, and so in the message there was some mention of, you know, I want to make sure that I don't meet like a psychopath. And I want to encourage you and invite you to recognize that that is a conversation about trust, right? So trusting the judgment that if you meet someone and they're not for you, that you will not just go with it, right? And, um, there may be some healing work around that too. Maybe, um, some of you have made decisions and choices in the name of dating that had you experience a lot of pain. I can say firsthand, I have certainly experienced that, right, where I potentially fail to acknowledge a red flag and then later on was like, oh yeah, that flag was there all the time, right? But for whatever the reason, I opted to bypass it or to potentially navigate around it or to just simply just straight disregard it because of whatever, going along with the grain and just doing a thing. So, um, I encourage you to do the work to look at this particular piece when you're talking about I don't want to meet a psychopath. Um, it's trusting yourself to recognize that this person may not be good for you and you're willing to keep it moving, right? And if you don't have the experience with that or the practice or the evidence that you're capable of making those decisions because you potentially didn't make them in the past. This is where there's a new flexing of the self-trust muscle that will allow for you to go into dating with a more grounded standpoint of, should I meet someone that doesn't align with what it is that is important to me, I'm willing to reroute and keep it moving. Right? And the other mention in the message was, you know, it's been a long time, uh, potentially since high school or teenage years that, you know, you dated. And, um, you know, I hear this a lot, especially when I'm in conversation with people, both men and women, that are, um, you know, my age, give or take several years. Where this is explained, that, you know, there's this element of we ended up dating each other because we were in school together, or we ended up dating each other because we lived on the same street, or we came from the same area, and we just actually morphed into this relationship. And so traditional dating of meeting a stranger, whether it be on an app or whether it be, you know, in person, and then being asked on a date is more um, unfamiliar to people than is often talked about, because I hear it a lot, a lot. And I too have experienced levels of, you know, it wasn't this typical way, right, where it's like, I don't know you, then I meet you, then you ask me on a date, then we go on the date. Um, and there is some getting used to when you are stepping into that, if that's not something that you have experienced for a very long time or potentially ever. And I would say, you know, to that note, again, this comes to trust and the courage to— and the courage over comfort, right? It may be uncomfortable, it may be awkward. And at times it has been for me. But there's a decision to persist regardless. And before you know it, that part isn't as hard. I would say for me, navigating my own feelings, emotions, fears, and everything else, that was harder than actually meeting, you know, someone and going forward with a dating experience. So it's my hope that you found value in this, that there's a call to action to do the deeper work. I can assure you and honestly share in this moment, this work continues for me. I do find that I'm getting better at being resilient when it comes to being let down, being hurt, being rejected, something not working out. But each time it does happen, I certainly, you know, get knocked down a bit, and it takes me a minute to sort of process and feel my feelings and choose back in. I am currently in a season of choosing back in. And so I started this episode by laughing because it was a question that directly spoke to the personal work and the growth work, development work, healing work that I am doing myself. And I am happy the question came in because it gives me the opportunity to speak transparently about doing this work too. You know, I'm out here doing this work too. And in this context regarding this question, and, um, what it all means. Intentional healing is what I believe to be the answer. And so it's my hope that you decide to embark on this journey to dive within and do your work. And as you do that and put yourself back into the dating scene, um, it's my hope that you experience yourself your partners in an exciting, fulfilling, you know, um, fun way. And so if you have any questions, please circle back, share your thoughts, share your feedback. Thank you for calling in to the support line. To anybody who's listening, if you are also in a season of, um, being where Tanisha is, looking to how dating is going to start when you're ready to jump back in, it's my hope that you are willing to to, um, you know, take some time to look at what it is that has you opting out right now and start to take one step in front of the other regarding the deeper stuff, uh, because how is pretty easy when you actually want to jump back in. If you have any feedback or you have a question that you would like to ask, please give me a call. The telephone number is 347- (876) 1956. Once again, this one is going out to Tanisha from Charlotte. I want to say thank you for calling in to the V Spot support line. Um, thank you for giving me an opportunity to, uh, talk about this on an episode. I think this one is something that is worth sharing with the whole community, um, so that if anybody else is also figuring out what you are looking to figure out they have a starting place. And if you have any other questions or think of anything else in regards to this episode, the podcast, any of the former episodes that I mentioned earlier on, don't hesitate to reach out to me. You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, Intentional Healing and Wellness. And I look forward to hearing from you. And I look forward to being back to share another segment So until we meet again, thank you for being here with me for this episode of The V Spot. To be continued.