Let's Talk About Therapy

Hello everyone and welcome back to the V Spot. I want to have a continuation of last week's conversation. You know, last time we were together we spoke about healing and I shared that healing often gets a bad reputation and it actually got me thinking a little bit further into the topic during the course of the week, and I wanted to shine the light tonight, um, on one particular modality of healing that I think gets even a worse reputation, and that is therapy. So I've been thinking a lot about this, and it's something that I am going to be talking about a lot more as we get closer to May, which is Mental Health Awareness Month. And I But I really wanted to have this conversation with you all tonight because I've been thinking about it throughout the week. And what I was realizing is that, you know, therapy is one particular modality of healing. And given where you were raised, who you were raised by, um, and what your upbringing was like, therapy was a no-go, right? And so I can share a little bit about my own personal story and how I found my way to therapy and some insight that I've picked up along the way, you know. And so I'm going to walk you through. I'm going to go back to when I was in— well, let me actually go further back. So I grew up in a small area downtown Brooklyn called Carroll Gardens, and, um, I was raised, you know, half Italian, half Irish, in a community where you didn't really talk about your feelings, right? It wasn't something that was very out in the open. Um, we had like a tough, thick skin, and everything was very much like, get over it and move through your process quickly. And certainly don't air out your feelings and what's going on— not, you know, what's happening with family, what's happening with yourself. So it was very much a part of, um, my journey to really navigate a lot of my feelings quietly and get very used to pretending that things were okay. So I found myself in graduate school. Um, I always knew it was going to be psychology. I didn't know exactly what area, and, um, I end up going to grad school to become a school psychologist. And so I'm studying for the first time, for to have my master's degree in therapeutic intervention. And I remember thinking, wow, you're studying for something that you're unfamiliar with in terms of what it's like to be on the other side, you know, and not be the person who's in the seat supporting, but be the person who is receiving the support. And so there was a lot of things occurring in my life at the time, and grad school was certainly stressful, and I was doing a lot of commuting. I moved at the time for a little bit. And I thought to myself, this is a perfect opportunity to choose into the field of mental health, you know, from a consumer perspective, right? From, from the side of receiving support. And so I remember like feeling a lot of feelings around, you know, I guess if for lack of better words in this moment, maybe call it weakness, thinking, you know, I was very overwhelmed, I was stressed, um, At the time, the anxiety— so if, if you haven't listened to previous episodes of the V Spot, then you haven't heard me speak publicly about anxiety, panic disorder, depression. So I have a history of all, and at the time it wasn't, you know, at its, at its strongest. Um, it wasn't at its strongest, but I was definitely navigating some things, and so I end up choosing into to, you know, see a therapist. And, um, the, the person that I decided to see, you know, I realized it wasn't a good fit, right? It wasn't a good fit. And all of my stuff was like coming up. I was feeling very much like, should I be seeing someone? Should I be able to actually do this on my own? You know, and I was pushing through a lot of the feelings at the same time that I was learning therapeutic approaches and supports and strategies for being with other people. And so, um, you know, I did push through it, and I was grateful that I did, you know. And I saw actually a couple of different people along my journey at different times, you know. Um, one of my therapists actually retired. And so it's interesting because I realize now in hindsight that that is when my journey of intentional healing and wellness actually began. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was seeing the therapist in Midtown Manhattan, right across the street from the Empire State Building. And I would go and see him on Wednesdays, and then I would walk home from the therapist. And again, I live in an area about a mile and a half off of the Brooklyn Bridge. And so I was navigating through the different, you know, different parts of town in Manhattan and walking purposefully, you know, really to support myself, to blow off some steam about everything that I just shared in the session, to work on my fitness goals, you know. And I navigated this way. Um, and so then he retires, and, you know, it was, it was a moment in time where I realized how, like, therapeutically you form connections with your, with your therapist, right? And it was time to, to find another one. And, and I did. And so I really took an interest. I want to— now I'm going to like bring it a little bit more current. I— it's the height of the pandemic here in New York City, and I decided to go back to school for a mental health counseling, uh, license degree so that I can get licensed to have private practice. And one of the courses required research, and I wanted to do research in the realm of shame. All right, so I'm going to connect it to this particular podcast and then connect it to mental health and bring it all together. Um, so I've shared that I love Brené Brown's work, clinical, uh, social worker who has done a lot of work in the realm of shame, vulnerability. Um, and that is often— shame is said to be the primary reason why people do not want to be vulnerable, is because of shame. And so when I'm now in this mental health counseling program and we're presented with an opportunity to do research on something, I instantly— we had to think of an issue around mental health and do the research around that. And so instantly I come up with shame because I started to think about my own journey and I started to think about back in grad school when I first started and how I was like really pushing. Against, um, you know, I, I guess societal, you know, pressures and expectations that I had taken on around mental health and what it meant to see somebody for myself. And so I dive into researching shame and what role it plays in the mental health process, and I come up with it. It presents in 3 different ways. And so I'm sharing this with you all because it's my hope that if any of these three, or all of these three, uh, ways that shame comes up impacts you, we have an opportunity to really like push through and change the narrative. So the first way that shame comes into the mental health, you know, it impacts the mental health process, is that people are often too uncomfortable and too ashamed to even admit or choose in to seeing someone for counseling, to go into a therapist. So there's the initial— there's people are struggling, right? So, and I'm going to use myself as the example. I was having some difficulties, I'm struggling, and it's the— it's being with this thing of like, how am I going to now go to, like, go to therapy? I didn't entirely feel comfortable. And so shame presents on a surface level with mental health in that it often prevents people from seeking out support to begin with, because it brings up a lot of what they're conditioned to believe. And so whether it's family, whether it's society, whether it's culturally, whether it's our friends or the workplace, there's often a discomfort around seeking support, all right? Because many of us are conditioned to believe that we should be able to handle it alone. We should be able to manage. We should have a thick skin and toughen up and keep going. But now more than ever, I want to shine the light on the fact that it's an unreasonable expectation to place upon self, right? So shame presents in that the first layer of getting through requires you to push through some barriers that surround shame. Now let's say that you do that. Right? You get— you push through. You find the same way I did. You decide this is something that I want, this is something that I'm going to choose into, and you actually find yourself in therapy. The next place that shame often presents, the next level, is in admitting to people that you're in therapy. And so whether it's family or friends or partners, um, co-workers, whoever, right? There's often a discomfort around sharing and being honest and vulnerable that you're in counseling. And so I definitely experienced this at points in my life too. Throughout my journey, uh, there were, there were times where I felt more comfortable to say, hey, this is what I'm up to, this is what I'm doing. And then I do recall very clearly different times where I would say, um, you know, oh no, I'm not going to be going straight home, I have an appointment, right? Like, I wouldn't really be comfortable enough to put it on the table. And so there is an opportunity to check in around, well, what has the discomfort occurring? What has the unwillingness to be vulnerable? Maybe it's certain people, right? Maybe it's certain situations. And again, vulnerability is not disclosing all, so we don't have to tell whoever, everyone, this is what we're up to. But it is something to check into when there's, uh, an unwillingness and potentially shame around the decision. So shame presents in choosing in to therapy. Shame also presents in admitting that we're in therapy. And then the third layer or way that shame makes its way into the process is by having you feel ashamed to potentially disclose and be transparent in the therapeutic process. So you may find yourself in therapy, you push through whatever all the other layers, you're in therapy, and there could be a holding back that happens, a withholding, and not being fully transparent with your therapist. And that's the third way that, according to the research, shame makes its way into the therapeutic process. And so it often hinders people from choosing in. It has people going through the process secretly, right, which grows the experience of shame. Um, and it has people withhold and, and not necessarily air out and put on the table exactly what's happening in certain situations because of, because of the fear, you know, and the concern around the judgment, and, um, and because of the shame held around, you know, whatever the specifics are in the journey. And so I thought this was so fascinating when I looked at the research, you know, that it exists on so many levels. And it really got me thinking last week when I was talking about healing and then thinking about, you know, that therapy as a particular modality, I was wanting to shine the light on, um, it's not as simple as yes, I'm going to go, or no, I'm not going to go to therapy. It's really an opportunity, as we're in the conversation of healing and looking at therapy, to look at your beliefs around it, right? Are you someone who grew up in a way where that was not an option, right? Something that it's— you're not supposed to air out your stuff, and it's— there's an expectation to get over it, right? And, um, if you've been with me in, in different settings, different trainings, different, you know, social media, different conversations, I often shine the light too on the pressure that, that men have in this regard too, because there's an expectation that they don't, you know, they just handle it and move through. And I thought it was super important to shine the light on this topic tonight because I wanted to really create an opportunity for us all to look at, you know, in a time when healing is absolutely essential individually and collectively, and therapy is a one modality of going through the healing process. What are your beliefs about it? You know, are you someone who's already in therapy? And if so, are you someone who is advocating, you know, for others to, to lean into their own level of support? You know, are you someone who is curious about it, is sort of like, you know, you hear about it, you wonder, but you have, you know, years of conditioning that suggests trusts that you don't actually go down that road, you know? Um, are you someone who's completely opposed to it? If— and, you know, are you someone who is, no, it's absolutely not for me? And what is that built on, right? Because I would say that, uh, just like dating, you know, the first therapist that you meet may not be the person for you. Right? You want to feel comfortable, you want to feel seen, you want to feel supported and understood. And that means a lot of different things, right? That means that it may not be with the first person that you actually sit down with. You know, you may want to choose someone who specializes in a particular form of therapy. You know, there are a lot of variables that go into it, but I wanted to shine the light on this particular topic because I think that it absolutely gets a bad reputation. I that oftentimes it's associated with like very old school ways of thinking, you know. And even some, like, there's been jokes around, you know, when people think of it, they think of like the traditional, like, laying on the couch and, you know, what it means to be associating getting support with these outdated ways of viewing the field. And so I wanted to you know, be with you in this way to really normalize and, and encourage that if you are someone who is already in therapy, you know, great, right? I think that everybody deserves to have a team because that's really what it's about, right? Like, we have our team— so your primary care physician and your GYN and your dermatologist and your therapist, right? And your coach and whoever else is in your corner— your yoga teacher, your personal trainer. This is your team, and everyone deserves to have a team. And so the way that we would seek out support if we were experiencing something with our physical health— so let's just say, you know, I don't know, you're having an unusual pattern of headaches— most people would be willing to seek out the support from a doctor to check into their physical health to make sure that they were okay. But when we're experiencing depression and anxiety and PTSD and bipolar disorder, and, um, I mean, I could just keep going and going with all of the different, you know, uh, conditions pertaining to mental health, there's an expectation that we go through it alone, right? There's not a willingness to seek out the support. And so I really want to encourage you that if you are someone who is already seeking out support, share that, you know, with your people. Lean into having a team, right? If you are someone who is sort of on the fence about it, you know, have conversation or consider having conversation with people who are experienced or who, you know, have different experiences with therapy and see what it's like, you know, to get some resources and try it out, ask some questions, you know. And if you are someone who is suffering, struggling, trying to go through it alone, leaning out of support, not being willing to tap into, you know, trying on this idea of having a team, having a therapist, like trying out this particular modality of healing, the invitation is to really take an inventory and look at, you know, did you grow up a way that you feel it's something that's off the table and you shouldn't be doing it? You know, are you surrounded by people that you don't entirely feel comfortable to be yourself and put this on the table? Um, do you have like any sort of reservation around what the process actually entails? And then this is an opportunity to really connect with people who can share, you know, and shed some light on it to neutralize it. Because again, 2022, we've never had higher— um, I shouldn't say that because I don't know the exact number, but I do know that the statistics right now for suicide are astronomically high. The rates of depression are, you know, skyrocketed. Anxiety, post-traumatic stress, panic disorder— the numbers are astronomical. And so this is really an opportunity and a call to action to, um, lean into support and recognize that there's nothing at all wrong with seeking it out. There's everything right about seeking it out. And so whether you choose this modality or any other modality that we'll be speaking about in the future, and I'll have some really great guests to shine the light on different topics, the moral of the story is you don't have to go through it alone. So thank you for being with me for this episode of the V Spot. We'll talk some more as we head closer to Mental Health Awareness Month. Um, to be continued.