Personal Boundaries

Hello everyone and welcome back to the V Spot. I'm so excited for this episode because this is the first episode that I am recording, um, where I will provide a public response to a question that came in to the VSpot support line. So I'm so excited. It's almost like a drum roll, please. First and foremost, I want to say thank you. I did receive a few calls so far from people who were reaching out to the VSpot support line for a couple of different reasons. One, to ask a question. You know, 2 to share some feedback, and, um, the 3rd was to say hello. And so I'm just excited, I'm grateful, and it was a pleasure to hear the messages. And, um, I'm coming to you in this way to actually share the response for one of the questions that came in. So in this moment, I want to shout out Tanya from Greenbelt, and Tanya asked a question, why is my no not accepted or allowed? Why is my no not accepted or not allowed? And I was planning to originally respond directly back to Tanya with the response, and as I was formulating my response, I was thinking about how valuable this is for the entire Intentional Healing and V Spot community, because ultimately the question that came in is about boundaries, right? So Tanya is providing a no and someone is not accepting that, right? They're not allowing that to be the thing. So I'm imagining that there is some pushback from the person or people who are receiving no as the answer. And so ultimately this is a conversation about personal boundaries. And I thought that this would be a great segment to record because personal boundaries is something that we can all benefit from having a conversation about. And so a few different things that comes up, um, in this, in this regard. I have found in many coaching sessions with different clients that when the conversation comes up around boundaries folks will often say, you know, um, they weren't respecting my boundaries, they're not respecting my boundaries. And when I ask the question, well, what are your boundaries? I often get met with like a, uh, right, like a blank, like a blank sort of, of look. And it's because there's this expectation that people are upholding or like adhering to the boundary that you're not even clear about. And so I wanted to have a conversation and share some, some thoughts, and I jotted down some notes to make sure that I hit some points during this particular episode. Because it's not just enough to have a conversation about personal boundaries, right? We have to go the next step and take time to identify what are those boundaries for you, right? Because personal boundaries are just that— they're personal. And so what I hold to be my boundaries may not be boundaries for you, right? We all have a different level of comfort and come from, right? Our boundaries are often established based on some experiences, you know, from the past. And so what I hold to be very important and what I wanna be clear about as a boundary, you may not want that same one in place. Um, and what you hold to be extremely important, I may not find necessary to have in place, right? But let's start with identifying what is a boundary, because, um, this has come up in different coaching sessions. And I've even worked with someone who shared with me, like, can we talk about it? Because I hear it so often and I don't even know, like, what it actually means and how to develop a boundary in my own life. And it's sort of a topic that's like discussed here, but let's have it be a very real, you know, tangible sort of thing that we can really wrap our hands around conceptually. So a personal boundary is something that you, it's the lines that are sort of formed, right? And it's, what is acceptable for you regarding others. And it's what allows you to feel comfortable when it comes to being in contact or around or in relationship with other people. So what lines do you sort of establish, um, where if anyone crosses it, it's not acceptable? And this can look a lot of different ways, right? These are, these are, um, lines that we establish for ourselves, hence why it's a personal boundary. And it's really to ensure that we feel comfortable in the, you know, situation when it comes to someone else. So I want to give you a couple of examples. Boundaries may be put into effect when it comes to physical, you know, agreements. Boundaries are implemented when it comes to verbal communication, right? What is too much? Some people may not tolerate cursing. Other people may not tolerate, you know, aggression and yelling. Other people may have a boundary when it comes to, you know, any sort of like hands-on sort of— there's different levels of comfort when it comes to these things. Boundaries often come up when it's— when there's a conversation of personal space. Some people want a certain amount of personal space. And so it's up to you to establish what the boundaries are for you, right? What will you tolerate and what is a no-go in your world. So there's this time needs to be taken to establish what are my non-negotiables, where is my line drawn, so that if somebody crosses it, you have the ability to then do the next step of the work, right, which is upholding your boundary. And that often involves letting someone know, I'm not a space for this, I'm not going to tolerate being talked to in this way. If you're going to continue to talk to me this way, I am going to leave, right? So we can't expect people to respect and uphold boundaries if we don't take the time to, number one, identify them. Number two, like, explain it. Let somebody know. Communicate the boundary to someone, right? And that usually happens if it's violated, the first time it's violated. So if you, let's just say, have a person have a boundary established in terms of yelling and, and, you know, aggressive talking, and you are in a situation where someone speaks to you in that tone, and it's, you know, like they crossed the line, this, you, you feel it, right? You could feel it bubbling up in your body. You could get the physical sensation that this is a no-go, I'm not a space for this. We don't want to just walk away from a person, right? They don't know what is acceptable for us. And so it's on us to communicate that, you know? And so it's not enough to just establish it, it's then the next step of upholding it and communicating when anyone violates the boundary. Now, personal boundaries can be established and implemented in relationships, you know, intimate relationships, romantic partnerships, in family situations, family dynamics, right? Mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousins. It can be implemented pertaining to family. It can be implemented into friendships. It can be implemented into work settings, right? So, um, they may even vary depending upon where you are talking about, right? So there may be something that you are a no-go on when it comes to the workplace, and, um, that may not necessarily exist in another area of your life, or that may— it may show up someplace else. Typically, if it shows up one place, it's likely to show up in all places, But there's not a hardcore rule around this. And so, um, I wanted to sit to record this episode because I wanted to have a conversation around boundaries and really break it down a bit, you know, and really spotlight some important aspects of it and remind you that personal boundaries are personal. They don't need to make sense to anyone else. Once you establish what it is for you, what is that line that you are drawing? What allows you to feel comfortable in various situations with other people? Is it physical? Is it something to do with verbal? Is it something to do with personal bounds, um, physical, you know, space? Is it something to do with another area that hasn't been named as an example in this particular moment? Um, is it happening at home? Does it have to do with friendships? Is it with a romantic partner? Is it with a co-worker? Is it with all of the above? Right? It's first important that you sit to take time to establish what are these things to you. What are the boundaries that are important that you establish and get clear on so that you know when you are in all different settings with all different people, you have a very clear idea as to what makes you feel comfortable, what makes you feel safe, and what makes you feel respected. Okay, so that's first. You may want to take out a piece of paper right now and you may want to start to think about the 3 examples that I gave Physical, verbal, personal space. Does anything come up around those, you know, and elaborate? Because we all— there's other areas that you can look to, but in this moment, start someplace. So that's first, take some time to establish personal boundaries, because the boundary cannot be upheld if you have not taken time to establish this is okay, this is not. I'm willing to be in a space where this happens, this is out of the question, right? I'm okay with A, B, and C, but D, E, and F, that's where I draw the line. So what happens a lot of times is if you do not take the time to establish boundaries, but you sort of have an idea that something doesn't feel right, you're not, uh, you're not okay with certain things, you may find yourself not upholding, and people could potentially come into your life and be in your, you know, your space, if you will, and interact with you in ways that you know something's not off, you're not quite comfortable, but because you haven't gotten very clear on this is what it is for me, there's a good chance that it could be violated, right? And we know that something doesn't feel right, We know that we're not okay with the way in which things are going down, but we're not exactly sure, or we're not able to articulate. And so taking the time to establish what are the boundaries that you want to implement into your life and uphold is a very, um, it's an act of self-care. It absolutely is an act of self-care. It's having you get clear on your own non-negotiables and safety and comfort zone. And then we can go to the next step, which is, you know, you're just living your life, doing your thing, and whoever it is— family, friends, co-workers, right, partners— come into your world, interact with you in a way that you— the red flag goes up and you're like, this is not okay. We don't want to be in reaction to people the first time it happens, right, and basically like walk away and don't explain anything and leave. And, you know, I'm not a space for this, right? Because they don't know. They have their personal boundaries, and they don't know what it is for you. So we don't want to just be reactive and fly off the handle when someone in our world does something to violate the boundary. What we want to do is take that opportunity to express and articulate Hey, I'm not comfortable when you yell and curse and scream at me. I don't feel respected. I don't feel safe. This is not OK for me, right? And now you have clearly expressed to somebody else what you are, the line that you have drawn. Now, do you have control over whether or not that person is going to uphold and respect what you have established as a boundary. You don't know, right? That may be a pattern that they exhibit in their life. That may be something that they're used to or that they sort of are accustomed to, and it may not be the biggest deal. It may be how they handle their anger or their frustration or their rage or their emotions at a certain point. That's on them. What's on you is to express it's not okay, since that's a line you've drawn, and it is on you to uphold the boundary, right? So this is going back now to Tanya from Greenbelt. If you give a no and that is not allowed or accepted, The way I'm hearing it is that someone is pushing back and maybe trying to get you to say yes, or they're pushing back trying to get their way. It is on you to uphold the boundary because some people will continue to push and push and push. So in this moment, the conversation I think is important, um, what I believe to be necessary to focus on is not why is my no not allowed and accepted, right? It's what do I need to do to uphold my boundary and who is in my world that is not willing to accept that? Because that's another piece that you get to look at. If you have given a no to whatever the scenario is and someone is, come on, come on, you know, and pushing for it to be a yes, pushing for them to have their way, you have someone who is basically violating and disrespecting you in terms of what you have established. And it's on you to uphold it because they may push and push and push and push until they potentially get a different answer. So, um, I would like for the pendulum to swing from, why is my no not allowed or accepted, to what do I need to do to uphold my boundaries. And if when I lay out, right, what is acceptable for me, someone is not willing to respect or adhere to, then we have another conversation on deck, which is, is this someone that belongs in your life? You know, is this someone that you feel safe around? Is this someone that you feel respected by? And that could be, you know, a whole nother podcast series. But I wanted to, um, record this episode publicly. I wanted to say thank you. I believe that personal boundaries is a very important conversation And when I heard the question of why is my no not allowed or, um, accepted, what I really heard was why is someone, you know, not adhering to my personal boundaries. And I think people will be people, and sometimes if someone wants something, they will push their agenda And it is on you to recognize what makes you feel safe, what makes you feel respected, what it is that's okay, what it is that's not okay. And the work is to feel strong and confident and willing to keep the no in place regardless of the pushback that you're getting. And then take it a step further and recognize that if anyone is your— in your life who is not willing to accept your no, and they instead are trying to get the yes because that's what's in their best interest. Who are these people, you know? Um, are they people that you want to maintain, you know, this sort of like close connection with in terms of all of the things? And really look a little bit deeper as to, um, the type of relationship you know, that we're talking about here. So I am so excited. Thank you. I want to really, really send much love out to Greenbelt. Thank you to Tanya for sending in the question. I'm so appreciative, and I know that the rest of the community is surely appreciative too. This message is going to not only get posted as a podcast episode for the entire community to hear, but it will also get sent out to Greenbelt to Tanya so that she can actually receive the message in her inbox. And so that was the first question that came into the support line. So I want to say thank you. This was my vision to have this be a thing, and it surely is playing out. I'm grateful. I'm excited. I'm looking forward to receiving more questions and providing more answers, whether they are individually to you or whether they are to the entire community by way of podcast episode, the hotline, the support line is open. The telephone number is 347-676-1956. Once again, that's 347-676-1956. It is my hope that you use the opportunity to call in. I am the only person who will hear your message. Please, you know, follow the prompts. Leave your first name, your city, and your email address so that I could get back to you and ask a question, share what you're going through. You know, is there something you want support with? Is there a podcast episode you would like to see dropped? Um, and let's, you know, have another way to be able to communicate. So I am grateful. I'm excited to, um, record this and send this out to Greenbelt. I wanna say thank you to everybody who is tuned in. Thank you so much. The hotline is open. Give me a call. Let's talk about all the things. And until we meet again, thank you for joining me in the V Spot. To be continued.