Reclaiming Worthiness

Hello everybody and welcome to The V Spot. I'm your host, Andrea Mancuso, founder and CEO of Intentional Healing and Wellness. I created this podcast because I believe vulnerability is our true superpower, and I want to promote a safe space where we can come together and engage in conscious and courageous conversations to encourage individual and collective healing. In the V Spot, we will choose courage over comfort as we speak our truth and pave the way for others to do the same. For each episode, we will unite in empathy and embrace our superpower as we spend quality time together here in the V Spot. Thank you for tuning in.

Hello everyone and welcome to the V-Spot. When we're in love, or even lust, we share parts of ourselves with our partners. Maybe it's our feelings, trust, even glimpses into our sometimes painful pasts. Some of us give our partners gifts, tokens of our appreciation. Thoughtful and generous acts of kindness. But we're not supposed to hand off our worth to them. It may seem exceptionally obvious to you, but I will say in full transparency, it wasn't always obvious to me. Now granted, I didn't hand off my worthiness knowingly. I'm not that much of a martyr. We'll revisit martyrdom another time though. I think it's worth coming back to. Pun intended. I was this many years old, 42 that is, when I had an epiphany about how I handled my worthiness in my past relationships, specifically romantic partnerships. I wish I can say I handled my worthiness with care. Have you ever seen a quality-wrapped package? You know, like the kind from A Christmas Story that's labeled fragile? Or for those unfamiliar with the movie, Fragile. Well, my worthiness wasn't packaged or handled like that. Perhaps you can say my worthiness was managed in a neglectful and careless way, even reckless. Again, I did all of this without realizing. How is that possible, you might be wondering? Well, this is where it gets a bit tricky, but you're intelligent and insightful, so I'm certain you'll understand. Based on life experiences, we often develop limiting beliefs about ourselves that we are not aware we even have. They're generally tucked way down in our subconscious mind, hidden from our awareness, and they have a tendency to wreak havoc on our thoughts, feelings, emotions, behaviors, and choices. There are common examples of limiting beliefs I've come to learn from my own healing journey and from that of many of my clients: Not enough. This includes not smart enough, good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, tall enough, sexy enough, handsome enough. All the enoughness narratives live here. Not important, unworthy, unlovable, damaged, broken, not valuable, not capable, not mattering. I can go on and on, but you get the point. Somewhere along the line, as I navigated through my life and all of my experiences, I actually collected a variety of limiting beliefs, and they were certainly tucked away— remember what I said— deep down in the subconscious mind. But worthiness— I didn't handle mine with care until recently. As a matter of fact, I didn't even have access to mine for a long time. You see, based on my self-perception, experiences, feedback from others, I operated as if worthiness wasn't a thing. No thing. But it's a major thing, actually. An inherent gift that each of us possess. It's our birthright, some might say. But because I wasn't connected to it, or even aware that I possessed it, I gave mine away without knowing, time and time again. But more specifically than giving it away, I attached my worthiness to the behaviors and actions of others. Again, mainly past partners. If they showed me love, I experienced myself as worthy. If they called when they said they would, worthy. If they didn't, I somehow interpreted that to mean, guess what, right, I wasn't worthy of their love, attention, affection, Time. I treated my worth as you would the symbolic hot potato, catching it when it was passed my way and passing it off again quickly, unconsciously waiting for it to be tossed my way again, which was all dependent upon the actions and behaviors of someone else. I was sitting at my kitchen table eating dinner alone one night, sifting through layers and layers of hurt feelings. Trying desperately to understand how behavior that so obviously demonstrated lack of interest could possibly be causing me so much pain. It didn't make sense to me. It was so much more than just rejection though, and I knew that. There was something else happening— an immense emptiness, a longing, a profound pain that I couldn't quite put my finger on. When boom, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My worth. I continuously handed it over without ever even knowing. I hope this is making sense to you because this blew my mind when I realized it. My worth isn't connected to the behavior and actions of others. I'm going to say that again for the people in the back. My worth is not connected to the behavior and actions of others. I don't only get to experience myself as worthy when a man does something that signifies their interest, love, attraction, or even desire for me. I don't only get to feel worthy when they call, take me on a date, visit, do thoughtful things, and on the contrary struggle through feeling unworthy when they opt to do none of the above. That's not how this works. I was this many years old when I dropped my fork in my plate and sat back in my chair speechless from the realization my worth is inherent. It belongs to me at all times. I don't need to hustle for it, fight to experience it. It's mine. And I found a way to remind myself for when I forget. I'll share that with you shortly. Worthiness belongs to me. The actions and behaviors of others Well, that belongs to them. I sense unraveled the two separate entities from a very tight twist or knot that I had them tied in for way too long. I see it clearly now. Their actions and behaviors merely demonstrate their feelings and interest, and if that works for me, great, and if it doesn't, great. But nowhere in there is my worth or lack of part of the equation unless I make it part of the equation, as I did for far too long. You know, my wounded self was good at collecting evidence that supported my limiting beliefs. I did it with ease, automatically, without awareness. And now, well, I work hard to do the opposite. I consciously navigate my life clear that I am the keeper of my worth. That's the beauty and power of intentional healing and wellness. The realizations and connections, they occur in abundance when you least expect it, and they span so many areas of life. The gift of insight is certainly that— a gift. But I want to turn the tables to you now. If any of this feels familiar, if it resonates because you too recognize that your psyche takes a hit based on the attention affection, interest, action, or lack thereof of others, know this: you are worthy despite how anyone else shows up or doesn't, despite whether they choose you or they don't. Reclaim your worth. Remember, it's inherent. It is your birthright. It's not contingent on the behavior or actions of your family, friends, partners, co-workers, or anyone else. It belongs to you. There's no need to hustle for it. I'm going to say that again. There's no need to hustle for it. There's no need to hustle for situations to connect with it. Or even search in external spaces and places to discover it. Now, do you remember earlier when I said I found a way to remind myself that my worth is inherent when I sometimes forget? I want to tell you so you can remind yourself too, because here's a spoiler alert: there's a good chance you will forget at some point. Don't be alarmed. It's called being human. I know, I know, we have a tendency to forget. But let me help you remember. You ready? Put your right hand over the center of your chest and press firmly. Do you feel that? By now you should be feeling your heart beating. When and if you find yourself questioning your worth from this day forward, wondering if by definition you are valuable enough and deserving? Put your right hand over your heart, feel that miraculous heartbeat of yours, and connect with the answer: yes, you are worthy, my friend, simply because you are alive. Don't let your experiences convince you of anything else. They're merely that—experiences. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of The V Spot. To be continued. Thank you for spending quality time with me here in The V Spot. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, write a review, and tell a friend to to tell a friend to meet us in the V Spot. To stay connected and in the loop about all special events, join the email list at www.intentionalhealingandwellness.com. You can also join the Intentional Healing and Wellness community on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn. I'll catch you soon.