Whatta Man! Bonus Episode of The Vulnerability Spot

Hello everybody and welcome to The V Spot. I'm your host, Andrea Mancuso, founder and CEO of Intentional Healing and Wellness. I created this podcast because I believe vulnerability is our true superpower, and I want to promote a safe space where we can come together and engage in conscious and courageous conversations to encourage individual and collective healing. In the V Spot, we will choose courage over comfort as we speak our truth and pave the way for others to do the same. For each episode, we will unite in empathy and embrace our superpower as we spend quality time together here in the V Spot. Thank you for tuning in. Thank you so much for being here tonight. I am extremely excited, um, extremely nervous. Uh, whenever I do something new, I get the butterflies, and so the butterflies are in full effect. Um, I am grateful that each of you chose to be here with me and the guys tonight. I'm so excited, um, for you. For those of you who might know one of them, you know that to, uh, to know these gentlemen is to love them. And for those of you who potentially know all 4 of them, I'm not sure if anybody on the call knows all 4 of them, um, we are in for a big treat. So I don't want to waste time, we have plenty to get to. And so one by one, I am going to welcome the gentlemen to the room. Um, first up is A.R. Garcia. A.R. Garcia is a writer and he is the founder of Dominican Soul Productions. Next up, we have Rafael Moreno, who is a writer and a life coach. Next, we have Jay Steele. He is a photographer, a licensed massage therapist, a fitness model, an entertainer. And last but not least, we have Mr. Leslie Butterfly Soul Taylor in the house. He is a personal and professional high-performance coach. So welcome, welcome, welcome. Um, so first and foremost, I want to say thank you to each of you for joining us. I am incredibly excited. I just told the gang that to know you individually is to absolutely love you. So I don't know how I'm gonna handle all 4 of you together here in this space tonight. So, you know, I invited you to be a panelist on the V Spot because I believe that each of you personify conscious conversation and vulnerability, and I've had the privilege and honor to experience you individually and have my life and my vulnerability and the way I move through the world, um, like tremendously impacted by being with each of you. And so I'm so excited that I have the honor and privilege to share you with everybody who is here tonight. So I first want to say thank you, you know, for being here.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, absolutely. You know, tonight was inspired by Brené Brown. She has spent much of her career, you know, researching vulnerability. And what she points out is that one of the deepest paradox of vulnerability is that when I meet you, vulnerability is the first thing I try to find in you. But it's the last thing I want to show you in me. So it's my hope that tonight we actually work to begin shifting the paradox, you know, for once and for all. Before we jump in, I just want to share a couple of, a couple of things. What vulnerability is not. Vulnerability is not full disclosure. It's not about telling everybody everything about your personal life., right? It is about being willing to show up and be seen. It is about practicing being uncomfortable, having difficult conversations, and having the courage to show up when you do not know the outcome. Okay. So I just wanted to share that and share that the 3 components of vulnerability that Brené Brown's work is built on is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. So tonight I took into consideration all three of those factors, and I want to share with everyone— the guests, the gentlemen do not know the questions that they will be asked tonight. Um, they actually accepted the invitation to be here just knowing the gist of what the event would be about— vulnerability. And so I want to really spotlight that if that is not courage, I don't know what is. You know, because I said and joked with a few people, I'm not quite sure how I would feel about accepting an invitation to be on a panel answering questions that I would have absolutely no idea what would be coming. So I really just want to shout each of you out, you know, and celebrate you in this moment. So thank you once again. Jot down the questions that are asked of the gentlemen because this is a journey that you can actually explore. Yourself, you know, after the call. So let's jump in. Conscious Conversations, they are designed to inspire, you know, um, promote healing and, and really like evoke, uh, introspection. These 4 gentlemen have all been a guest on, uh, the Conscious Conversations series. So I actually was thinking about the fact that episode 3, I entitled it The Art of Being Yourself. And I, I named it that because I do believe that just like art, we are created. And like all masterpieces, creation takes time. And so the essence of that phone call was really to be with what is involved in showing up as our authentic self and being ourself. So tonight I thought that it was a great place to actually begin, and I'm going to ask the first question of Mr. Butterfly Soul Taylor. What's required of you to fully show up and allow yourself to be seen?

Hmm, what is allowed of you to show up, allow yourself to be seen? I think that speaks directly to intimacy, right? Into me you see. It's a willingness to show up for myself. It's really a willingness to show up as I am, right? Perfectly perfect. I'm not someone who necessarily believes that people are flawed. I believe that people are born perfect as they are because there's only one you on the planet. And I think the version that the world tries to present as perfection is something that's actually made up. There's only one version of me that I can be. I can improve on this version. But it's really just showing up. It's showing up as me. And I can tell you, I can have that conversation now this way. But there was a time when I showed up as Butterfly Soul. And the conversation was just entertainment, entertainment, entertainment. And so you really never got to meet Leslie, you only got to meet Butterfly Soul. And so that was like— so I got really clear that Butterfly Soul came from Leslie, which is why I introduced myself as Leslie Butterfly Soul, as an, you know, as a man who understands himself to be a part of not only the conversation of transformation, but butterfly implies transformation. So I'm absolutely clear that's how I show up. I show up with the intention to transform any experience that I'm a part of.

I love that. I love that. And you absolutely do it well and make it look effortless. So, so, you know, shout out to you. I love that. Yeah, I would say that when we show up authentically as ourself, not everyone is going to like us. Right. And that's okay because we are not meant for everyone. But what I have been finding is that being my authentic self is more about me liking me and less about other people liking me. Um, so the next question I wanted to ask of AR: what do you like about yourself?

Um, wow. Uh, we're, we're so conditioned to pinpoint the things that we don't like about ourselves. Um, I so hate you for not giving us the questions early.

So, you know, and we only have 2 hours, so there's no time.

I really thought she wasn't going to stump us fellas. And like, then like the first time, the first one is like, here, take this one with you. I, I, I'm going, I'm going to say, uh, that what I like, uh, most about myself— that's the question, right?— is that I am unapologetically, uh, inappropriate. And what I mean by that is that it took me a long time to be okay with me speaking freely, me speaking my mind, exactly what was on my mind. Being a— as a man in business, in the art, you You know, when I first started out, I've had a few publicists, and the first thing that they do is like they curb, right, who you are. And what I found was that I was very— I found like I felt like I was chastising myself and that I was dimming whatever was inside me, my light. And I found that I was extremely happy when I was able to speak whatever was on my mind and how I wanted to speak what was on my mind and be able to express myself exactly how I wanted to be able to express myself. That took the most work because you find out in life that you're not always the package that everybody's looking for. And because you're not always the package that everybody's looking for, you have to be okay being the package that you're looking for. And when I realized that I was most happy when I was just, you know, this guy that said whatever was on his mind whenever, it was on my mind and I expressed myself however the fuck I wanted to express myself, I was happiest. I realized that true happiness came with me accepting who I was, how I was, and how I express myself. And that, and recognizing that there are many facets of who I am. And I like the fact that I've been able to come to terms with that, that I'm not just— that I don't fit into a box, that there is no box for me. I'm not fitting into a box or thinking outside of the box, but that there was no box, that I removed the box for myself and that I could just be whoever I wanted to be, that I could be me unapologetically, that if today I wanted to be some inappropriate foul-mouthed dude, I can be that. And in seconds or in minutes, I could be a loving grandfather, you know, that instilled hardcore fucking values to my grandchildren and to my kids. And that's just who I am. Like, I— that's what I love most about me, that I— fuck a duality— that I have all of these facets and I'm comfortable in all of them. You know, that I can be a loving father and grandfather at one moment, that I can be a writer and a poet at another moment, that I can be a pillar for my family or That I can be an emotional wreck, and that as a man, as a Latino, that there are moments where I feel like fucking crying, and that's okay. And I think that's what I love most about myself, that I've learned to accept that about me, that I'm not linear, and I don't have to be.

I love that.

And I would say that's what I love the most about myself.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, and I love that you highlighted in the beginning that we are conditioned, and it's so natural for us to go to the judgmental aspects, right, or pick out what we don't like. And that sort of sets us up for the next question because it is often said that we are our own worst enemy. Right? And we are quick to be critical and judgmental of self. And so the next question is going to Raphael, and I would like to know, what does your inner critic tend to say to you?

Um, well, good evening everyone. My inner critic, um, yeah, it comes down to the same thing: you're not good enough. You're not good enough to start a show. You're not good enough to facilitate. You're not good enough to coach. You're not good enough to audition for this part. You're not a good enough writer to, to write a play or get it up. It's always, you're not good enough. And for me, that's been like my constant challenge. Like having— it's different when you have that coming from people outside, because when I get it from people outside, it's like, oh yeah, watch this. And I can use that as a motivation to drive me just because I want to prove them wrong. I want to like go over that. But it's so much harder for me when that voice is inside my head. So I've had to learn to, first of all, accept that that voice is always going to be there, that no matter what it is that I'm going to do or what my aspirations are, I'm going to feel like an imposter in doing these things because I'm always going to feel as if I'm not good enough. But I understand that that voice is something for me to overcome on my own. And once I do do it, that voice seems to disintegrate just a little bit more. And the more that I do it, the lesser power that voice has over me. So it's always not good enough.

Thank you. Thank you. And as a follow-up question, what— when you recognize that that's what the voice is saying to you, how have you navigated that?

Um, sometimes very easily, because I— if I'm in a good place, if I'm in a good mood, and this is just being honest, I was just like, I acknowledge that it's there and I work around it. But there are other times when I'm doing something that's very new and, you know, I I start doubting myself. And something that I've known about, like, doing a lot of men's work is that doubt kills the warrior. And the warrior spirit is what we have in front of us to just break through barriers and face challenges head-on, right? Slay the dragon. So in those times when I am having a hard time, I have a small network of people that I can bring it up. Like, yo, this is what I'm doing. Call my homegirl Pam. Like, so this is what's coming up for me. And getting into the conversations of people who are are not just loving but really can hold you to your truth and can support you with that, for me, makes all the difference.

I love that. I love that. Thank you. And shout out to the homegirls, right, who hold it down and get to support the men in their life with these, with these conversations. I love that. So one of the, one of the main things that I thought of— there's plenty of reasons why, you know, we are unwilling and uncomfortable to show up as our authentic self. But one of the reasons that I'm naming in this moment is, is insecurities. And so this next question goes out to Jay. Jay, what's one of your greatest insecurities and how has it affected your authenticity?

One of my biggest insecurities for me has been allowing people to Um, it's interesting that, that to kind of go, go to what AR was speaking about. AR says that he loves the fact that he can just be himself, right? And by being himself, um, you know, he has this freedom is what I got from that, you know. With me, it's kind of the opposite of that. It's my insecurity many times is being myself, is being myself in front of certain people because of, you know, I do different things as an entrepreneur. I have different jobs and some of my jobs I have to be this character. You know, I think we all— we spoke about the representative when we've spoken, you know, many times before.

But me— I'm sorry to interrupt you, but so we don't keep folks in suspense, do you want to share what you do that warrants you being in character?

As a male entertainer. So among other things, you know, I do the photography and the massage therapy also. But that's a situation where you are super hyper, you know, masculine. And honestly, the character that I play when I, when I do that is, is probably the furthest thing from who I actually am, you know? But people seem to like that character. So there's this very safe thing we can do as people and give people what they want to see, right? Give people what makes them comfortable or what makes them happy, you know? And then at the same time, it takes any pressure off of us, or in this case, me, from having to show the real Jay, the real Jay Steele, because my name is, as an entertainer, The Real Jay Steele. But very few people get to actually see the real Jay because I'm always this character. So it's that insecurity that I have sometimes with being the authentic self where it's like, yo, do people really like this version of me, because I think, you know, we all have different versions of ourselves. But the authentic version of me is actually not the guy that you see, the, the guy who, you know, walks into a party and is in total control and has everyone there like, oh my God, wow, look at the muscles, look at this, look at that. You can't see me now, but you know, that's not me. That's not me. I'm the shy, quiet, you know, low-key guy. You know, intellectual at times, the artist, that's me. You know, but I'm sometimes I'm in that place of do people, do people really want to see that guy? Do people really like that guy? You know, and then we get into the whole, the whole part of, you know, good guys finish last and all of that. So there's this tendency to want to go to the other guy who's, you know, the person who's not the real you, but that person kind of has a guard up and an armor up that allows for that person to be able to navigate in the world without being hurt, you know.

So yeah, you know, that part, that part. Thank you, Jay. So when researching vulnerability, there was one thing that kept coming up as a recurring theme and occurring, a recurring reason for why people did not want to be vulnerable? Shame. There we go. Shame. Exactly. So while shame is a human experience, it's often organized by gender. And so with women, shame is often connected to the body. And for men, shame is often connected to weakness. So this next particular question, I am sending out to Mr. Leslie Butterfly. Soul, where in your life do you currently experience shame? Or where have you previously experienced it?

Oh, so the B-spot is about just go ahead, wrecking shop.

OK, then. Listen, you know.

OK, OK, I see what you're doing there. She invited us to the situation with Kandi.

So happy it's you. I'm so happy it's you, Leslie. I'm so happy it's you.

All right, it's all right.

I'm coming for you.

I'm coming. Re-ask the question again.

I want to pay attention. Yes. All right. Where in your life do you currently experience shame, or where have you previously experienced it?

What— one place that I had— that I had experienced— well, I guess two places. One, the thing about shame I think shame is also birthed from secret, right? And I think because secrets hold shame, so what happens, people are able to use your secrets against you, which is why you have, like, Jay and Raphael and AR, like, going, this is who I am. This is what I do. Enjoy your day. For myself, it would be around being single at 50, but a grandfather and a dad. And then, um, coming out of like unhealthy relationships because of who I am on the planet, right? Like, well, you know, come on, I'm gonna— I'm talking about vulnerability, people, you know? But then like, yo, I couldn't— like, inside of who I am, there's a— what I had to get present to is that I had to stop dating my clients. And what I mean is this: people will occur as a date, but I— what I should have actually done was not give them my number, but giving them an invoice for all the coaching and mentoring and things like that. Because I would be afraid to necessarily date my equal. I really liked Mattel toys. I thought that everybody who I was with or around, I had to put together. And then that like kept me from like dealing with my own stuff. Yeah, right. And so that was the— like, that was some of the shame I had. They were like, yo, Leslie, can you come do a workshop on intimacy? And I'd be like, yo, I'm, I'm single though. And then people would know, and then people go, you're so, you're so handsome, you're so nice. Like, that shit ain't got me nothing. Like, that's how— like, that's how I would leave the situation. But then I would almost be embarrassed, like You know, almost feeling like, man, nobody chose me, right? And then inside of that shame is really like, oh, but I didn't choose me. And so going back and choosing myself over and over and over and over and over and over and over again till it feels dumb when people don't choose me. I'm like, wow, you're not very bright. I'm somebody to choose.

Wow. All right, gem dropper. All right. Oh, gotta take that one in. Mattel toys.

Wow.

We're constantly meeting people to repair. Like, we get in these relationships, we pick people apart, and we go, they were fine before they met you. They were living, breathing, and moving human beings before they met you, and all of a sudden they meet you and they need to be fixed. And then what we stopped doing, we stopped working on ourselves when we get in a relationship And then all of our broken shows up again because we stopped fixing and repairing. That's one of the biggest mistakes in relationship. When you meet somebody because you didn't go into the gym and you didn't read all the self-help books and you applied most of the stuff that you read, you keep doing that. That's what they're attracted to. Yeah, you don't stop that, then you become like everybody else they had.

Say that again for this. Say that again for the people in the back. Me being the people.

Yeah, you become— you become like everybody else. Like, remember them skinny jeans? You— they started dropping stuff on you. Baby, I would love to go get a salad. You know, skinny jeans ain't for everybody. You look so good in them loose fit, um, long johns and joggers. You should wear them in there. That's nice. Do I look fat in this dress? No. That's a lot of dress to be in. Yeah, like, you won't— you know what I'm saying? They start changing because you start changing. And then what happens, you've actually matched your mirror. You are really working on yourself, or you working on yourself for them, and you caught them. So really what you're doing, you weren't dating, you were trying to trap, quite literally. Yeah, I'm not interested in that. I had to— oh, I had to own my singleness and own it in such a way where there was no shame, so that when who shows up for me will not show up to complete me, they'll show up to reflect me, right? So I want to show— I'm, you know, me in such a way that when they show up, we are us, but I'm still me. I have to be an individual. Right? I'm not compromising my prayer in the morning. You can meet me here, but don't ask me to stop it. I'm gonna go to the gym eventually. I'm gonna go in the gym, but that's a whole different show. But I'm gonna go to the gym.

So now you're gonna look at the gym like, oh, that's a nice gym.

Listen, now some of y'all on here paying gym donations. It ain't a membership to use the equipment.

Listen, you need a mic to drop, right?

Seriously, I'm done. I'm shutting up. I'm shutting up.

Don't talk to me like that.

Oh wow, yo, Butterfly, talk to you nice, right? Playing out here, bro. Listen, move me off of this, off of this. I'm going, I'm going to the viewers.

You're spotlighted, you're sticking around.

Move. I'm going, I want to listen. Just move me over there.

No, thank you for asking the question. I needed to say that out loud.

Yeah, thank you. See, for the folks that are here tonight, you see what kind of treat we have in store tonight. This is going to be delightful, and we are only just beginning. So on the other side of shame lies forgiveness and acceptance. Um, AR, in this moment, the question is for you. What's something you choose to forgive yourself for?

Bro, you, you, you got me following What a plug.

I can't— listen, you all, you four are here for great reason.

All right, ask that again.

That's what these—

I'm still trying to fucking process everything he said.

Right, right.

Am I the only one, Jay?

No, no, no, no.

And I'm sorry because I know I'm like screaming right now.

Listen, listen, I'm learning.

He went in. Yo, listen, AR, when you see Butterfly Soul up anywhere, just know you need one of these and one of these.

Paper.

Wait, what do you have?

Your background is like blending your thing in.

Oh, it's paper.

Oh, it's a paper.

Okay, it's paper and pen.

That's what you need, bro. Leslie Butterfly Soul, you taking notes?

I'm telling you, look, I came prepared. I just— I realized though that I have the, the, um, the ability to record the call, so I don't have to worry about notes. I could take them later, but Yeah, AR, you listen. You could get up and get pen and paper too. We're all in this together. Vulnerability is the name of this game. OK, in this moment, AR, what is something that you choose to forgive yourself for?

Hmm. That's a complicated question. Because where I'm at in my life, I choose to forgive myself for everything, and I choose to forgive myself for fucking nothing. So what I mean by that is I choose to forgive myself for all the things that are stopping me from being great. I choose to forgive myself for everything that's stopping me to be a better father, to be a better grandfather, to be a better artist, to be a better partner, to be a better son, to be a fucking better lover, to be a better— I choose to forgive myself for everything that's stopping me to being my greatest, the greatest version of myself. And at the same time, I choose not to forgive myself for not making more effort, for not being a better father, for not being a better grandfather, for not being a better lover or partner, for not being a better artist, for not being a better provider, for not being a better son. I feel like that, where I am in my life, there's a duality, and I've chosen to forgive myself for the things that I've made mistakes for. I feel like I'm too old not to be learning from the mistakes I've made. And so I forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. I don't forgive myself when I continue to make those same mistakes. I'm too old not to know better. And, um, I do forgive myself However, for— this has been one that's been recent. I do forgive myself for not allowing myself to be happy. For the longest time, I lived by the philosophy that you either could be great Now, it could be great, or you could be happy, but you couldn't be both. There was no way that you could be great and that you could be happy. And I have an old friend of mine, and she, for the last, I don't know, I want to say 10 years, has been telling me otherwise. And I just admitted to her about 2 and a half years ago that maybe she was on to something. And I realized that I could choose both. I could choose to be happy, to choose me, and to be great at the same time, and that I didn't have to sacrifice one for the other. And because of that, I put myself and a long list of women through a bunch of fucking torture. And I had to reconcile that. You know, I I went on an apology tour, you know, and I asked for forgiveness from a bunch of women that I dealt with in the past. But what was crazy about that was that before I could do that, I had to forgive myself first. I had to be okay with whatever the outcome of this apology tour was, was going to render, right? Like, I, I was married and I left my ex-wife because it was a toxic relationship, and I had did the right thing, and I figured out that the next step of my life— this was like 3 years ago— and then the next step of my life, that I said to myself, okay, I'm just I'm just gonna go ahead and be great, right? But I said to myself, damn, nigga, like, you too old not to be happy though. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, people, I've heard people say this, like, you deserve to be happy. And I realized that in order for that to transpire, you have to forgive yourself for a mountain of bullshit that you put yourself through, right? Uh, and I wanted to start, and in order to, to, in order for me to be able to fully forgive myself, I realized that it wasn't a solo effort, that I, I, I had to rectify everything that was wrong in my life, right? And I, and I had to make good with the mothers of my children. I had to apologize to the people that I needed to apologize to, right? Because forgiving myself wasn't enough. You know, like, I was never going to fully forgive myself until I made right with all of the wrong that I had done. And that doesn't exclude me from committing more mistakes or hurting people or hurting myself, but that in order for me to start a new journey and to start forgiving myself and learning how to do that.

Forgiveness, whether it's for yourself or for others, is a choice. You know, it's, it's a journey. It's, it's a discipline. It's really about owning our story, you know. And I think that the spoiler alert about the journey is that it doesn't have a destination, because every day that we're alive, we are met with new experiences, you know. And, um, we get to rechoose forgiveness, you know, when we, when we get off course. Ultimately, forgiveness is about acceptance. You know, um, and so that's where I'm going next— acceptance. Jay, you able to come off of, of, uh, mute? This question's for you. What is something that you have learned to accept about yourself?

Being, being an entrepreneur, I have to be right a lot because my, my whole my whole everything pretty much depends on the fact that I'm right about the decisions I make, you know, in business. So I realized that I carry that over into my personal relationships. And one of the things I've had to accept is that I am not right a lot of the time, you know. And that's a tough thing because there's that balance between having to be right, um, in, in business situations because, you know, this is how you make your money. So I, I have to be able to put things together that work. But in personal, um, relationships, I have to be able to step back and say, nah, Jay, this is your ego. You know, nah, Jay, you don't want to listen, you know. Um, and that's one of the things too, you know, in, in, in, in business, you know. No, I'm not gonna listen because if I listen to you, I'm gonna lose money. But, uh, you know, not listening in, in business when you're in control of everything Works at times. Not listening in personal relationships and understanding that, you know, there's other people outside of you that may have a completely different opinion about life and different things, um, that's totally valid even though your opinion is valid too. That can really screw things up for you. You know, so I heard— who is it, AR, that was just speaking about having to apologize to people? Oh, I've had to do that too. I've had to do that too, because my ego has been out of control at times, because I took the confidence and assertiveness and the ambitiousness and the the, you know, the wanting to be right so that I can get this particular thing done, you know, for my business and applied it to my relationship. And that's crushed certain relationships that I've had, friendships, romantic relationships, you know, because again, being able to— then that's again, we're speaking about vulnerability. Being able to say, you know, nah, I'm wrong. You know, I'm sorry. You know, I messed up. You know, that's a certain amount of vulnerability and having to kind of, you know, take your ego out of the equation. And, you know, say, yo, why is it so important to me that I'm right? And that's a whole thing. Because it makes sense in business, right? Like, it's important to me to be right because if I'm wrong, I lose money. But if you're my friend, you're my girlfriend, you're my child, why is it so important for me to be right? You know, that's something to think about.

Thank you, thank you. Leslie's laughing. You guys on the panel, you can come off mute if you want to. He's cracking up.

Okay, so, okay, I'm gonna shut up. And then here's so a couple of things real quick that just came up for me. Um, as I'm listening, as I'm listening to AR, what I don't hear AR is grace with yourself. And then as I'm listening to, uh, as I'm listening to Jay, I'm hearing someone say Be nice, be nice, be nice. I'm hearing someone say— I'm hearing someone say that they're right, right? But you're so right, you're even right about how wrong you are. And so what I don't want us to miss is that we are also a part of someone else's journey. When people meet us, they know who they're meeting but like us, they pretend that they don't see us.

I'm taking my toys and I'm coming out of the sandbox. I don't want to put any more.

And so here's what— but here's what happens. One thing I've come to learn about forgiveness and even this conversation of apology, and I'm just— and I'm learning this recently, I'm new, I'm just getting my feet, is the conversation of scarcity is housed in a conversation of scared to see, scared to say, Scared to do, scared to be, and then we move to scared city. And so we live there and we invite people to come over. I moved out of scared city when I was beginning to run for president, and I realized that this is a nation of nobody because I couldn't get to— I really couldn't get to this conversation of forgiving myself because I was so scared. And much like you, A.R., this conversation of We— people come to us to hear they can have it all. It's different when we say it to ourselves. I never said out loud that I could have it all, but I always believed that I could have some, much like yourself. I can have some success, but I couldn't have a relationship. But if I had a relationship, a romantic one, then my friendships was going to be in question. It wasn't until I got that I could have it all, and then with Jay, of course you get to be right. Right? You get to be right about dancing and entertainment and what that looks like. And as the businessman, you are also the product. You have no other choice but to be right. However, giving yourself some grace in that— the apology tour— see, this is the thing about different conversations. It's difficult to have it, but we never consider that it might be difficult for the listener. That's what makes the conversation difficult. Right? And nobody— and let me just say this too for everybody that's on this particular call. People who are not on the call that you're thinking, oh, they should be on the call, they're not supposed to be here. We have actually sourced this experience. So now I'm looking at how and where I forgive, and I'm also looking at where I'm always right. So I want to thank y'all very much. This is some bullshit, but it's cool. I'm learning. I just want to say that we is here. We is here together. Nobody is outside of this conversation.

Don't let our chat mute you. Yeah, listen.

Mm-mm. I love y'all. I appreciate your generosity, Raphael, you too. Because we don't always get to see men share in this way, right? But I also want you brothers to also give yourself some grace. Because we also learn man from dad, whether he was present or not. In many situations, we're just copies of very bad copies. If you copy anything enough, it'll start to fade, so you don't even get the clarity of what the original was. So be like, under— like, understand that. Hey, y'all, you're not wrong for— you're not wrong for being a man. You're just a really good student. We just changing classrooms, that's all.

Blessings.

I'm shutting up, I promise.

No, you— we don't want you to shut up. This is why I invited you.

Come on, Raphael, answer the question before you— the way she giving these questions out, just answer the question you think she gonna ask. Just answer that question, the one you know.

Well, listen, what, what, what did we, um, what kind of question did you think I was going to ask? Let me ask you that question. What question were you expecting me to hit you with first? Who wants to go with that? I got the side eye all over the place.

Listen, I just came in and I'm like, you know, I know Andrea and I know she's going to pull stuff out of her hat. But listen, this is what we're here for, right?

We're here—

All I knew was to wear something black and red. That was it. You know?

Shout out to the black and red. I showed up at 6:55, you know, but we're all here together. And thank you for being so generous and so loving and, um, so willing to actually pave the way. Because I've said before, I said this to each of you, I believe I've said it on the lives that I've been doing leading up to tonight, that it is my belief and it's been my experience that when men really rock the V on their chest, they give permission for everybody around them to do the same. And so I'm so grateful. Um, the S has been scratched out, no superhero stuff. It's been replaced with a V. Um, and thank you for being so generous, so courageous, and so willing to dance with uncertainty, take risks, and, and share yourselves. You know, emotional exposure, that was, that was the name of this game. You just, you just didn't get the memo. Thank you. Um, so Raphael, next up, um, despite what societal norms suggest, asking for help and seeking support, especially when it comes to mental health, um, is an absolute strength. So this question is for you: what's your perspective on therapy and mental health support?

That's easy.

You know what, man, let me just, let me just say from your last question, what came up for me, I was gonna say something before Leslie Butterfly sold me, my head hurt. But when it comes to acceptance, right, what came up for me was the good, the bad, the ugly, and the amazing. For me, I had to learn how to just be able to be with myself and accept myself. No matter how dirty and muddy things got, or I got myself into, uh, no matter what my past looked like. And also, and this is like, was very important for me, which was stepping into being amazing, going to that place of being amazing and having a reaction come out of people and having them expect more. And it scared the fuck out of me because I was like, I don't think I can do that again. So how is it that I can continue to step into amazing, understanding that maybe that, that type of amazing may not happen again, but what else can I create that's a different type of amazing and keep choosing to step into that and working towards that and accepting that the fact that I might not hit what amazing is or what it was yesterday, because tomorrow will be looking very different. My amazing, as I choose to step into today, is going to be the type of amazing that's someone else needs to see and receive to propel them forward so that they know that they can also choose to be amazing. So that's what acceptance means to me.

Love that.

Thank you. You're welcome. Now, for your question about mental health, ooh, OK. So I come from cultures that, you know, we all have crazy in our cultures. I'm Dominican, Black, Arab. And we have crazy, but there are a lot of conditions that we have now that culturally, you bring them up and they're like, that's some made-up shit. That's some white people shit. That doesn't exist in our culture. And the truth is that we're in American culture and times change. Something that wasn't necessarily diagnosed in the 1950s, just because it wasn't back then doesn't mean that it doesn't exist now. And we go on thinking that someone's ailment or a new classification of something that a person might be going through is nonexistent, and we seem to just shun them and shun what it is that they're going through. It is very necessary for us to start paying attention to not only what people around us are going through, but also what we might be going through ourselves. I personally have been dealing with depression, and yo, I didn't even know I was going through depression for years, years, years. So I will beat myself up because I couldn't accomplish something at a set time, and for 3 months, a year out of my life, for several years I was just good enough that I would go do work, come home, sleep. I would do everything that was needed just so I can survive the next day, but I was not functioning. And I thought it was just, oh, it's just that type of year. I'm having a bad time right now. Whether or not I was in a relationship, and if I was in a relationship, I would hide it around that person. I would be normal.. But as soon as that person would leave, my bed would be my lover. My bed, I would brush my teeth, take a shower probably every other day, and I wouldn't go from anywhere. I just thought that it was just me going through something. It wasn't until— and I'm American, right? But it wasn't until I met with one of my friends and I started telling them like, wow, you know, I feel like this is coming up again this time of year. And they started asking me some questions, and they have a clinical background in psychology. And they were like, yeah, have you actually seen someone about this? No, actually, I haven't.

Not really.

I've had therapists, but not no one professional. Maybe you should. Blew my mind, because something that I knew I had for years and I wasn't paying attention to classified identifying properly and getting properly diagnosed, because I thought it was also part of like my ADD, like something was a little bit wrong, right, or off for a season. You know, it took such a long time for me to go and see a professional about this and get the proper care that I deserve so that I can take proper measures so that I can be better for myself and for my family. So when it comes to that, yeah, I— we get to really you know, put cultures aside, put any type of negative aspect that we might think that therapy has, any type of negative stigma that we might want to put onto medication. And it's not to say that everyone needs to have these things, but we get to really be present to the fact that there are so many resources that we have right now that most people on this planet do not. Understanding that there's some people on this planet that have to walk miles to get water, and we might not even think about picking up a phone call to see what's the next best thing for us so that we're healthy here, so that we can continue to operate.

Mic drop. I love that. And I love, you know, I love that you shined light on the fact that in terms of your own personal experience,— and I think this is a shared experience that many of us would likely be able to throw our hands up. Sometimes we're navigating symptoms or dealing with symptoms of different things that because we experience it day to day, we don't even know it's a symptom of anything. And especially when it comes to mental health, I think we're conditioned to physically, when something's wrong, we go to the doctor to take care of it. And there's not shame associated with that. Usually some of us delay, but we don't usually delay too much to see a visit like a doctor, a medical doctor. Um, but when it comes to emotions and, and the struggles that come along with emotional health, there's often this like, you know, pushing, pushing away, pushing off, pushing off. Um, and there's an unwillingness to actually be with, you know, what is experienced because we get used to experiencing it. So I just love that you You shine the light on that. There's a couple of questions in the chat.

Can we go to Ryan's? Ryan is a 19-year-old of color in New York City. Vulnerability is out of the picture. Everyone has their guard up, especially in relationships. How can we normalize more people being OK with being vulnerable around friends and loved ones without fear of judgment?

Go ahead, A.R., answer that. Um, I, I will, I will. Um, thank you. Uh, I'm the father of a few teenagers, um, and, um, I, I, I say that not to say that I'm putting myself in a parental role with you. I'm saying that as, as a man that is dealing with some young ones in your age group, and as a man that was there about a little over 20 years ago, 20 years ago or so. When I was growing up, vulnerability was something that was a lot more taboo than it is today. And I won't discredit or say that it's not something that is difficult to do today. But one thing that I do know and that it's a little bit harder to receive when you are younger because, you know, there's no substitute for time. But what I do know is that if the people around you don't accept you in, in a state where you are vulnerable or that you can be vulnerable, if they don't accept you in a space where you can be vulnerable, then you're in the wrong fucking circle. And you need to go get you, and you need to create your own circle that will accept you for who you are. And now I know what this sounds like. I know this sounds like, well, that's easy for you to say. And I know that sounds like, well, that's a lot easier said than But if you start to make the changes now, Ryan, right, like if, if, if you start to really evaluate who's around you and who accepts you for who you are and, and all the facets that you come in, whether you need to be strong or you need to be vulnerable, if you don't have any friends that you can turn to and say, yo, I'm fucking feeling like this, I feel like shit, I feel like I'm going through this and I don't know what to go through, and those motherfuckers make fun of you, then you need a new circle. You need a new circle, bro. You, you, you, you, you need to get some people that will be around you that will sustain and support and empower you, not in the good times, because everybody comes around when it's time to party, everybody comes around when it's time to cater, everybody comes around in the good times. But in those moments when you feel vulnerable, when you feel weak, when you feel less than, when you feel like you aren't who you're supposed to be, if those people aren't in your circle, then you need to get rid of your circle and get a new one.

Well, you know what, AR, I want to just chime in really quick because, yeah, to begin with, um, to be asking such a profound question at 19 Ryan is his name, right?

I mean, I wasn't asking those fucking questions at 19, right?

So at 19, asking questions like that— you're one of the future men that we are, that we are looking forward to seeing step up into this world and make a difference for the game. Here's what it is when it comes to being vulnerable: it takes courage. It takes courage. So not all men have the capacity or don't want to grow into the capacity of owning their vulnerability. It takes courage. Not everyone is going to agree with you. Some people will not understand, but just understand that it's a journey that every man in his lifetime gets to make, and the sooner you make it, the better off you're going to be and the better off the people around you are going to be because they're going to be able to bask on those fruits that you're going to be able to put on the table. Vulnerability is something that you choose, and it's not easy. And this is why some men don't do it. And here's the difference between a man and a grown boy. A man is someone who can stand on his own two feet, can take charge and make the world around him a better place, can stand in the community, is well respected, and knows how to respect other people. There are some people in this world that are grown boys going around, and they have kids, sure, but let's be honest, once you pass puberty, you can have— you can do that. That doesn't make you a man. You can go and spend your time being street entrepreneurs, No offense if you're doing that, but you can go spend your time being street entrepreneurs, doing something that's not the best thing for your community. You're actually subtracting from your community and not give anything to the next generation. Those are grown boys. So just like vulnerability, you need courage to say no to one thing and yes to another. And brother, the way that you're asking that question, I see that you're someone who's looking for that type of mentorship be looking to find real men who are making a difference. And just know that not everyone is going to get your level of elevation, and they don't got to. You just get to step into it continuously. So I applaud you for even asking that question at your age. You're doing fantastic. But just know that vulnerability is something that you get to step into.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Shout out to you, Ryan. Um, we have another question that, that Connie asked. Do you feel it's a weakness asking for help? So perhaps Jay or Leslie, you want to jump in on this one? Do you feel it's a weakness asking for help?

Oh yeah, absolutely. As men, we're we're supposed to be in control, right? We're supposed to be— we're supposed to have it all together, right? So, you know, do you, do you feel that way from an early age? Just when you think about, you know, I think about my son and I think about how, you know, he looks at me and he looks at me and he thinks that I have everything together. And then he's gonna think to himself, well, then he has to have everything together so he doesn't have to ask for help with anything. As men, it's like we're supposed to be in control, but in actuality, many times, we're not. And it's okay for us to say that we're not. It's okay for us to be vulnerable. It's okay for us to ask for help from anyone. And I think that that's empowering for, for us to do that. But we're not taught to do that. You know, I think that it's a gender thing, but I think as a gender, there's a lot expected from us. You know, but if we go back and we think about what we spoke about earlier about our fathers and so on and so forth, sometimes we don't even know how to do that, you know? But because of our ego, you know, we'll step in and we'll be like, okay, I know how this is done, I know how that's done, but we haven't even done the work sometimes. So it's super important that we do the work so that we're able to then, you know, be good at what it is that we're supposed to be doing, whatever that is, you know. But during that, we do also need to ask for help, you know. And we can look for help from anyone. We can look for help from our peers. We can look for help from women. We can look for help from anyone, to be honest. But many times, you know, we don't do that because of our ego. And I've been someone who's many times felt that I had to be right about A, B, or C. I wouldn't ask for help.

Yeah, and piggybacking on what you just said, Jay, when it comes to ego, I think that a lot of men, when it comes to asking for help, they confuse that call for help as a weakness, as opposed to humility. Because when you ask for help, you're humbling yourself. You acknowledge that you just can't do this by yourself on your own. It humbles you. And for some men, that equates to weakness.

Absolutely. I think that— I think it's interesting that we think asking for help equates to weakness when women are constantly being reminded that they're strong, um, and they often are raising children by themselves and doing things on their own. That's ironic. I also think that this conversation of help, um, I'm not someone who asks for help. I ask for support because I recognize that I come with tools. And I think what happens inside of that conversation, like, even with like you, Jay, you have all of this. You— I tell my young people who were formerly drug dealers, change your product, don't change your hustle. And because your hustle is so strong, right, it, it may occur as a certain thing. I think that— I think this conversation of I love that you're clear that you want to be right, but not him. But I also think, in fairness to you, what I thought— what I found very interesting though, even in like listening to the part of AR that I could and then catching Raphael and then now UJ, what I love— what I love about Ryan is that he came for the help and like we We are what we are looking for. At some point, we get to be our fathers. At some point, we get to be the fathers. We get to be the brothers. We get to be the uncles. I think that, um, it's imperative that we show the Ryan in us vulnerability so that we can model that, that vulnerability in front of Ryan. And it's not just a night VSpot, that it's really an opportunity to access that level of vulnerability so that we can heal our Brian. I don't know about you all, but I had an amazing father who taught me so much about being absent, being distant, and being away, and then figuring out how to carry the name Taylor with pride. Because of— because I thought because he wasn't around, I didn't have a relationship. What he taught me to do was be in relationship to absence. And so if you got too close, I could only like fall in love with you if you were further away, because that's the way Daddy taught me to love. I think those things, when it comes to that conversation of men and like women, I think we move into a conversation of like this kind— it's so funny how we hold weakness, but all the stuff that we see is weak in men, women carry They're every Tuesday. It is their Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Like, it's their day, you know. It's weak to ask for help, but she gonna take care of those babies by herself and go to school and have a job. But the moment she say, you know, she need help, girl, you so strong, which I think is the ultimate insult, right? Because then she's taught that she has to carry us too. Like, that's what begins to happen. And then as brothers, look at the toys that we get, y'all. Little girls get dolls before they can speak, and then we're surprised when they become parents early. Men get bats, balls, GI Joes, cars, trucks. Think about the toys we had. All of our toys were designed to keep us out the house. And then when you become a man, we want you to come home. Could you stand up? Little girls get dream houses. They already understand real estate early. Wow. Like, that's what we're teaching, that kind of economics to little girls early. And then fellas, we on the run. We don't know. We can't do nothing but hustle. Jay, throw that football. Pick up that bat. I need you to run that track. Your body look good. You can't make no money this way. Okay, now you gotta go dance. Okay, you gotta do that. And then we're surprised as adult men when we've mastered the scraps. You gotta give yourself some credit. Wow. People gave you sticks and you still built a whole fucking city. And a lot of us have been learning it from our mamas, not our daddies. That's the part that's tricky. So when we see vulnerability, some of us think about how hurt mama was when she didn't know we heard her whimpering when the door was closed, but food made it to the table. And that's not to say all men are like that, right? That's why it's imperative, Jay, that no matter how much you talk on camera and figuring it out, that you're also listening to you. You hustling. You're lazy day is somebody's 100%. Ryan needed to hear that. Ryan needs to understand that a grandfather— and it's two grandfathers on this call.

Yeah, shout out to the grandfathers.

Like, be real clear, there's two grandfathers on this call, but we're men first. And we fall down and get up, and most of the time what's getting up is the little boy in men's suits. We're trying to figure it out with you. Man is a copy of a copy. No man on this call has the same definition. It's all made up. Women get indicators you're becoming a woman. Your body is doing this, this, this, this, this, and this. Men, we're taught to provide. And then for us, provision is love. We have to double back for vulnerability, some of us. You, you, you, you, come on. AR, his children's superhero. He got it that he was kind of like, I need to figure it out, kind of dad. They was like, no, we know some dads that ain't true. You good. But we don't hold it that way. I think that's the part that's really key about this conversation of vulnerability, right? And that's— and listen, that's across culture. That's not white or Black. That is what we're all being sold and bought. Like, women will choose men who will have them feel safe, but some of them are afraid of that safety because he comes aggressive. He comes to a girl, oh my God, you know what he did? What he do? He almost hit me, but I love him. And just because he didn't hit you don't mean you've been struck, lady. What's your self-esteem doing in the relationship? Because ain't nothing like a black and blue spirit. Oh wow. And I like a black and blue— of you— you can't— you abuse a woman's spirit, you gotta Wow, you gotta respect her whole self. I'm leaving early.

All right, I'm done.

I'm sorry, man.

You could have just brought him on.

You're welcome, AR.

You're welcome.

God, I'm leaving. I know you— no, you're not, because we have another question.

I'm only sharing in the way that I'm sharing because you all said it was safe to do so. Like, be real clear. And the only, the only difference between us and the people watching— and I want y'all to be real clear— anything that you might have enjoyed that any of us have said, you're actually the person talking and we're sitting in your box. So be real clear. If you got some hallelujahs and some amens and some This is stuff you've been telling you. Tonight you're just willing to listen to you. Wow. So keep listening to you.

I don't like him. Listen, we— he is the personal and professional high performance coach. What do you think was going to happen here?

I'm going to hit you up and show out. I'm going to hit you with an invoice for tonight. Well, I'm going to hit you.

He gets a lot of those. We're just going to be trading invoices.

Choices, right? Um, I have a question I want to scroll back to. There's a few, um, I want to actually pick them out, so I'm going to open this one up. If you could tell your younger self some advice, what would it be?

I love you doesn't mean hide. I love you actually means the door is open.

Wow.

I love that. Raphael, I love you doesn't mean hi, duh. I love you doesn't mean— imagine saying to somebody I love you and then breaking up with them.

I love you doesn't mean hi. I received an inbox question. How do men and women meet in the middle when addressing their fears but moving forward in relationships? How do men and women meet in the middle when addressing their fears but moving forward in relationship?

I'm going to refer back to this genius that I met. I love you doesn't mean hi. If you're just meeting in the middle at the resolve, there's a problem. Who? Because if you're not meeting in the middle at the joy, if you're not meeting in the middle— like, you get what I'm saying? Like, sometimes we only have meeting in the middle because there's been an upset. I can't hear you, you can't hear me. But breakups usually happen right after a fracture. So there's something occurred in the relationship that you all both ignored. It was a hairline fracture. Maybe you didn't, you know, you said something about their mama. And they didn't took that to heart and they take it to bed. You don't like my mama, you don't like my mama. Did it go from you don't like my mama to I don't like them shoes you got? Before you know it, you're chipping away at this fracture and then there's a break. We need to meet at the middle. You guys should have met at the fracture. Often when we don't say, hey, that hurt me or that injured me this way, then we're left with a situation where nobody can heal because everything is Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, because I'm gonna passive-aggressively now hurt you, right? I'ma show you. And then we're— now we're not in relation. Listen, a lot of us are screaming, I'm in love, I'm in a relationship with my soulmate, but most of us are in relationship with our woundmates. We're matching each other wound for wound. Your daddy didn't love you, my mama didn't like me, right? Like, we're— like, it's our woundmates that we sometimes find ourselves with. And so It's hard to meet in the middle when you can't really see the beginning or the end. That's why you can't find the middle. You're still in the forest trying to figure out who you are in a relationship. Now, am I my mama or my daddy? Because you never considered being yourself. Wow. Well, this is what my mama treated me in, so I know I got to do this. Oh no, I saw what my daddy did to my mama. Do I love my daddy? He's an amazing person. Ain't no man gonna never do that through me. So you there every day like that. Good morning. Good morning. What you mean by good morning? My daddy used to say good morning. And now you fighting for no reason. Now you in little fights. And now he don't understand you, but he didn't know he was in a relationship with you and your past. You didn't tell him that you was a little freak and you like Ménage à Trois. You tell them you liked it like that a little bit. Well, I like my arguments a little juicy. I'm gonna add somebody. How you feel about a third in this argument? You can't see them, but I can. Like, that's how that sometimes works. The thing about like being with somebody is being willing to be seen with them. That's intimacy, that's vulnerability. And having the uncomfortable— hey, when you say that to me, this is what that creates in me. And be able to say that and then being willing to listen. Here's another mistake we make: we go into relationship but nobody defines relationship, so we assume we in the same conversation. And some of us are not in the same book, let alone the same page. Yeah. Oh, like people will scream quick, oh, I'm in a partnership. So what's your version of partner? Because here's mine. I'm done looking for people to like bring stuff to the table. I want to know if you can build one. Are you good with like lumber? Can you use a screwdriver? Yes, I mean, you can figure out shit to put on the table, but can you build one? Are you— what do you want? Are you like metal? Okay, so you like to bend, so you want a real stir— like, what kind of table are we talking about? Like, that's what that looks like. But this meeting in the middle, y'all better meet at the beginning and start there. Live in the—

like, live in the relationship.

Wow, I love that. And also, Leslie, it's like, the way I see it is like, you can't be afraid of your own reflection, right? Because when you go to have those uncomfortable situations, conversations, what I say, you know, don't be afraid to see just how ugly you can be. Because when the person says, well, this is the way you show up, and you're offended, and then all your guards go up, you're no longer listening because now you're offended. Yeah, but it just so happens that to that person, they're letting you know exactly how it is that you showed up to them. That might not be you, but to them, that's how you showed up. And without putting up all the guards and the walls and being right, Listen to what the person has to say, because if you listen to what they're saying, you're going to learn a lot more about yourself than you think. And then you won't find yourself going back to that same conversation over and over and over again.

All right, all right, that's powerful. You know, I— there was a message that came in around like, you know, men, um, taking some action steps around vulnerability to meet the women in their life, you know. And I really, I really want to put a quote like call to action to the ladies because we are not out of this conversation and vulnerability is not something that we do so fabulous and, and the guys actually, you know, have to take steps and figure things out. So I really— this is like a call to action and an invite to the ladies too to really like be with, um, doing your work, you know, and committing to— it's not about the men taking action steps to show up and do something to meet us where we are. It's really about all of us doing our work to, you know, to be with each other in a different way. You know, and it's interesting because in different conscious conversations there has been this, you know, like I was— I've been able to witness where certain conversations that called for vulnerability left women silent and speechless. So I just in this moment really want to encourage all of us you know, to, to keep moving powerfully, keep leaning into courage, you know. And that's actually where we're going with this. Um, so in this conversation around courage, you know, courage looks different for all of us, right? So courage might involve entering a new relationship, or it might involve exiting, you know, an expired one. Or courage might mean pursuing the dream business You know, and letting go of the safe profession, right? It might mean following our creative, uh, ideas, you know, to where— and our vision to where it's going to lead us. It might mean having a difficult conversation with a family member or with a loved one. Um, whatever it is for you, you know, it's different for each of us. So in this moment, I would like to ask one of the gentlemen to jump in, whoever feels guided. What's the last thing you did that required an immense amount of courage. Raphael?

So for me, it's— all right, so my mother died when I was 20, and she was the most amazing being that I have ever met on this earth. And we were spiritually and psychically connected, and losing her was extremely painful. Um, the thing about this extraordinary woman is that she was not my biological mother. My biological mother is still living, and she's in Dominican Republic, and I've met my biological mother about 4 times now. And for a while, she was trying to force a relationship until we had a difficult conversation, and I had to let her know who my mother was. And to really establish that we're not going to have that mother and son relationship because that relationship has already been honored with another person. However, I'm willing to be with her and establish something different, another type of relationship. And I kept— I had like the Heisman, like I was keeping her like away. Like it was just like, you know, she didn't even have my number for a while. And I gave her my number. And there was still a distance, and I had to like really sit with why is it that I am still getting aggravated when this woman calls, and why is it, and why. And I got to a place after doing a lot of work where I get to treat this woman with love and respect just as much as I give love and respect to the people in my lives that barely even know. So I had to like get to a place where I had to acknowledge where I felt that I was wronged by this woman and work around that to get to a place where I get to dive into showing her love, showing this person love. And for me, the courage part comes in, which is, um, It's been very difficult to allow somebody to come even remotely close to the relationship that I had with my mother because that relationship was very special. So it's about loyalty. It's about understanding that my relationship with my mother is not at jeopardy by accepting another woman. The woman that bore me, but I really get to be in a place of showing her love, and it's not—

and it's not betrayal. Wow, thank you. Wow. AR, what would you say is your biggest fear?

Wow, failing as a parent, whatever that means. I don't know what being a successful parent is, you know, like, I mean, you get the, yeah, you're doing great, and whatever, whatever. But, you know, you don't always feel that way, right? Uh, I, I just think, like, failing totally as a parent. Um, not being there for my kids, not being there for my grandkids. Like, just not, um, not failing, failing as a parent.

Leslie, what about you? What would you say is one of your biggest fears?

My biggest fear is, um, leaving the planet undone, meaning like having— haven't fulfilled my purpose, haven't spoken into the people I was supposed to speak into, um, not going where— not going to those places, not taking the risk to go and be with and love on people and really Like, I want my legacy to be the words that I leave, so I'm committed to only speaking to people's greatness. And I don't want to— my fear would be dying believing that I wasn't finished. Wow. When I die, I want to feel like I've done everything in me that I was called to do.

You can't see, but I have the goosebumps.

That's—

that is amazing. Wow. I know that I'm on the planet with me, but I'm not— I know I'm not just on the planet for me.

Wow.

Well, I'm going to encourage everybody to take a deep breath in. If you're anything like me, you potentially pause on breathing for a moment. So if you could take a deep breath in, exhale, take another deep breath in, exhale. Let's take one more deep breath in, exhale with a big sigh. Wow. All right, well, we are nearing the, the end, um, here. And I first, I want to say thank you before we even close out, because so far, um, this has been incredibly, you know, for the folks. I think we could all safely say we could throw our hands up for this one. Two hands are going up for how powerful, um, you all showed up and showed out tonight. Amazing. Um, for this particular peace, I'd like to close out focusing on love. You know, after all, love is one of the most vulnerable acts that we can engage in. So one of my favorite Brené Brown quotes: "Talk to yourself like someone you love." So for the final segment, a request is being made of each of you. Freestyle a love letter to yourself out loud, by the way, not in your head. Um, say— it could be brief— say whatever you want and need to hear in this moment. Feel free to get creative as you want, whatever art form you prefer, because I'm clear we have every art form up in the house. So spoken word, song, poetry— I'm getting the side-eye, Jay. I can't wait to get your messages later. I'll get in the face like, damn girl, this is it. Um, so spoken word, song, poetry, dance, whatever the hell your heart desires. Go where you feel guided to go in this particular moment. And remember, there's no way to mess up a freestyle. There's no right or wrong way to do this. We have a requesting— we have a request in for dance. I don't know, I'm just saying, just saying. Um, but really, there's no way to— there's no way to mess it up. Whatever you feel guided in this moment to do, um, I am clear that not only are you some of the most conscious and powerful and vulnerable men. You are also very creative. Um, and so in this moment, I'm gonna just put the question out there. This is a love letter to yourself out loud in whatever form of creativity you choose. Who's up first? Take a deep breath and ground and be with whatever comes up. And I want to thank you before you even jump into this final piece. Amazing, each of you. Which brave souls are you all thinking? And it's cool, just take a second to think whatever you feel.

Trying to jump in before Leslie get popping.

Leslie gonna kill it, so. So Jay's getting like shifty with it. Yeah, listen, and it's all right to take a moment. It's not like we have to beat a clock with this for a second. If you wanna take a second, think of whatever words, like I said, it could be brief, it could be long, wherever you feel guided to go. We're all excited to be alongside for the, for the ride here. And for everyone, everyone, myself included, that is with us tonight, I want to also encourage you to be with writing yourself a love letter. And so however you choose to do that too, my request is that you actually lean in, borrow from the courageousness that we've witnessed tonight and give yourself permission to write your own love letter.

There you are. You going first? I am. All right. This is actually— this is not off the top of my head, but this is something that I read often. It is a piece that I wrote a long time ago, and it is the ending of one of my one-man shows called The Broken Bachelor. And I read this to myself often because it reminds me that it's okay and that you come from a place that's broken and it's okay to heal. So this is called Broken. There's these pieces, pieces that look broken, that seem to have been shattered by time and misuse, edges that look Worn out from a relentless struggle. The struggle of a tireless journey to a not-so-forgiving road to redemption. These pieces seem to be part of an incomplete puzzle, some cosmic labyrinth with no exit, a maze with no start and no finish. And I'm trying to fix it, piece it together, and maybe combine actions with words, but nothing has worked. Nothing has worked. No actions, not even when I tried to action so I can cross words, so I can be about it and not just talk about it. And people often compare and make metaphors about life, that life has its ups and downs, but I don't want to reach a certain age and still be about this gambling, taking life for granted, taking life easy, because I feel like broken pieces, treating life like she's dice and I am just here to roll her and coast her, as if she is not to be my perfect vice, feeling like I could never be mended with people all around waiting on me hand and foot. See, the thing about solitude is that if you're in a crowded room with all eyes on you, you still feel unwanted and unattended. And it doesn't even matter if there is a special someone, a partner, a life companion in this life, you enter alone and leave the same way. And there is nothing comforting about companionship in birth or in death, both unavoidable occurrences that are destined, made for you to experience with the one person you can count on. But you try anyways, right? Because there is nothing— and because there is longing and there is this desire that you won't self-expire to to self-preserve. And for whatever reason, we always feel like our life could be better off in someone else's hands, as if they are not as broken as I am, as if she hasn't been in the same toxic relations. I tried to make our dreams real creations. I've tried to take all these pieces that I have acquired over the years, place it in her hands to see if she could at least crazy glue them together, see if she could do what I thought God had failed to do, or even worse, how I feel he made me on purpose just so I could fill some type of divinity sense of quota for purpose, only to realize that I fall into patterns and that these pieces always fall in the same empty place with no lawyer to fight for me, no jury to help me, no judge to hear my case. And I realize that we are all still in these abusive relationships. The emotional violence between us no longer domestic. And I keep beating her over the head with these I'm sorrys. And I keep tagging her with these lies about where I've been and how I'm changing and where as a man I'm going. But no matter how I may paint this picture with these lies, I call a brush. If this puzzle remains undone, even if the pieces aren't mended and they're spread all over the table, you can still see the picture. And I can't fake my smiles or cover these cries. I can never wipe away these tears or successfully bandage these tears. And I wish I could sweep under the rug the dirt, the filth, the dust I keep trying to make go away because of memories and things little boys shouldn't have to bear. And memories of inappropriateness that on my soul has been infringed and the realities of life that people with selective deaf ears, grown-ups that turn their backs, but when smacked in the face with the evils of life, make everyone cringe. And because of it, I am unsuccessful in love, but I am extremely effective in lust. And so meaningless women I have had to cling. And I'm a writer that picks up a pen and with one full stroke depicts perfect whole pictures, but these images, this front, this person you see up front, although I can write about the details about life's certainties and dualities, and even though I can paint these whole pictures by describing God's beauty with this pen I make real, the truth about what makes us whole by inhaling nature's creativity, presenting you with masks masterpieces, masterpieces that tell complete stories so you can see what we can call the full spectrum. I've been granted with gifts, with these talents. I can make you see art with no ESO and educated and trained very cleverly so that I can present the puzzles complete, but inside the pieces don't fit and the ridges have been trampled on. They've been bended and unattended. Hide in secrets and big bones and closets. Once a man has had terror infiltrate, despair on his heart will be branded on. So I've learned to embrace imperfections, learned to let my smiles hug these cries. As a man, you begin to understand that you can never let your frowns introduce you to people like you're some clown. You accept that you're not whole and that the world's cold and a woman you met last night can't make you bold. That your tragedies become great comedies and that will inspire people to be better version of themselves and no longer sulk and blame it on failure, but chalk these moments of darkness to present victories. And I've learned that no matter what, I'm a man, strong and intelligent, respected. So what if I won't ever be whole? There's power in my imperfection, and if you pay attention My walk speaks about my past afflictions, and today I take pride on being broken. Thank you.