Arthur C. BrooksThe Art and Science of Happiness

The Childhood Belief That Fuels Workaholism

1 Jul 2026 · 1 min

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In this monologue, Arthur C. Brooks explains a common psychological pattern he observes among high‑achieving, work‑addicted individuals. He argues that during early childhood, when the brain is highly plastic, many children learn that love and affection are contingent on exceptional performance—straight A’s, first‑chair in the orchestra, making the sports team, etc. This belief that "love is earned" becomes internalized, leading them to seek adult love and approval by continuously over‑working and striving for achievement. Brooks contrasts this with his view that love is a free, unconditional gift—a grace—not something to be earned. He warns that relationships built on conditional love are unhealthy, and that recognizing love as unconditional can break the cycle of workaholism.

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One of the classic patterns that I see in strivers and people who are deeply addicted to work is often that they learned when their brains were highly synaptically plastic, AKA they were little kids, that love is earned. It just means that you got attention and energy and affection from your parents when you did a great thing. You came home with straight A's on your report card. You got first chair in the orchestra. You made pitcher on the baseball team, whatever it happened to be, but it was something extraordinary. And your little plastic brain concluded that I get love when I do a great thing. Love is earned. Now, this is not the recipe for becoming a human being. It's the path toward becoming a human doing. Because if you believe that love is earned and you process that and you reinforce that over the course of your life, you will try to earn people's love through what you do. And that almost always means you're going to work harder and harder and harder and harder. And then you go looking to earn love for the rest of your life. I work a little harder. Will you love me? Well, I got news for you. Love isn't earned. It's a free gift, freely given. Love is a grace. If you're living with somebody or you're hanging around with people that make you earn their love, they don't love you. Because that's not what love is, but your brain might not quite believe it.