How can tone of voice help us expand our quality of life? - Episode 49

Awareness That Heals, Episode 49.

Which tones are the ones that you have that are most heartfelt and that are most fulfilling for you? And which tones are the ones that are most difficult and cause the most suffering in your life?

The Awareness That Heals podcast helps its listeners learn to develop the capacity to have a more healing response to emotions and situations rather than becoming stuck. Your host, Robert J. Strock, has practiced psychotherapy for more than 45 years. He wrote the book, "Awareness That Heals: Bringing Heart and Wisdom to Life's Challenges," to help develop self-caring and the capacity to respond in an effective way to life's challenges, especially at times when we are most prone to be critical or to withdraw. Together, we will explore how to become aware of our challenging feelings and at the same time, find alternative ways to live a more fulfilling and inspiring life.

So I'd like to give you a hearty welcome to Awareness That Heals, where we give it our damnedest to focus on bringing heart and wisdom to our life challenges. And if you've been with us in prior episodes, you'll know that we start over and over again with being aware of what is most difficult for us. And we do this because we see the paradox of the suppression of what's most difficult for us comes out in our world personally and globally. If we suppress it, we suppress our anger, we suppress our anxiety, we suppress our depression. Guess who we're going to attack? The other. And there's a lot of others. And the key to understand is that we all have these difficulties. It's completely universal for us all to be human. And I say that as whether we recognize it or not, and unfortunately, most of us don't recognize it enough to actually make it significant, to allow it to be part of our lives. We might have a fleeting awareness of it, We might just see it like a falling star, but we don't really see it as significant and crucial information, crucial feelings that are needed to have our life be balanced and to have us be connected with other people. And also to teach us how we can care for ourselves at these very crucial times. If we can get this, this sets up the ideal conditions for us to be fulfilled in our life at a much higher level and to contribute to the world by finding and living closer to our best selves. So I'd like to start off this episode again with, if you've been with us, introducing Dave, my closest friend for, uh, 50 years and my partner at the Global Bridge Foundation.

Thank you, and especially encourage everyone listening to tune into, well, all of the whole series, but especially in the last episode and the connection of this tone of voice aspect to the original premise of Awareness That Heals, the book and the podcast series both, because they really do form the thread all the way through.

Yeah, and as you're mentioning that, it makes me also want to reference the guided meditations that are in awarenessthatheals.org. Again, they're free and they are basically the same themes as the whole podcast. And they're really practices to take it very personally, which ideally you would go from each episode or each section, go to the guided meditations, listen to them a number of times, and they're designed to integrate them into your lives. So on that theme, let's start off by you asking yourself which tones are you strongest with, meaning which tones have qualities that you find most fulfilling, and which tones are the most difficult, the most challenging for you. Now I'm going to repeat that again as you're just looking. Which tones are the ones that you have that are most heartfelt and that are most fulfilling for you? And which tones are the ones that are most difficult and cause the most suffering in your life. Now, it's important to scan and not discount anything, not try to change anything. Just simply be an observer. You know, are you agitated? Are you annoyed? Are you appreciative? Are you grateful? You know, are you angry? Are you kind? And I don't mean this as a black and white, you know, as this way all the time. I mean, do you frequently visit any of these? And I could go on and on. And hopefully by now you've accessed the list at awarenessthatheals.org and the 75 challenging emotions and qualities, and you have it right there at hand. Because to be able to be literate in this area is almost a prerequisite to be able to answer this question. So as you see the areas that are most challenging, really let yourself see if you can appreciate that you're looking, or whether you're finding yourself prone to criticize yourself. Yeah, I was really an asshole. Yeah, yeah, I don't really give a shit. And see if it's possible to access the intention to heal that really wants to be closer and closer to your best self. And part of that is being honest about the tones that are most disruptive in your life, are most alienating. Our most distant. You know, just because a tone isn't vibrant doesn't mean it's not a tone. People that are withdrawn have a withdrawn tone. That's painful. That's like going up to somebody with a vacuum cleaner and sucking their energy. You know, it's, it's like, it's so important that we see how interconnected we are. And it's something that if you don't take this personally, then you're really missing the essence of what's being shared. If you take it personally, that doesn't mean you have to get it, get it, but it means you're starting to practice. It means that you'll be interested in the meditations, you'll be interested in talking to your spouse or your kids. This is a great way to raise kids, to be aware of their tone of voice, and more importantly, to be a leader and a practicer of that. And then you can guide them. If you guide them with a parental kind of authority and an authoritarian kind of respect, you can expect that there's not going to be a deep love. There might be a dutiful respect, but you're not going to be connecting at that deeper level. So might be helpful to start out with a client example, the CEO of major corporation. And he had been reporting to me what a great leader he was for several months. And as he was saying it to me, I could tell he was kind of boastful. And I saw him slip a few times and be arrogant and, you know, overly critical of his staff. So I said, well, how about, how about if we do a little group and have the major players in your corporation come. So he said, fine, no problem, because he was pretty confident. So the first comment that came out of his second in charge is, you line us up and knock us down one by one. Now, you should have seen his face, he was completely mortified and shocked and incredulous. Like, what are you talking about? You know, what the hell are you talking about? Give me one example. You know, it's like, you know, you've got to be kidding me. It was condescending, it was belittling. And the person gave him an example. He said, you know, doing it right now. You know, you're doing it as you're speaking to me. You know, what do you mean? What are you talking about? I'm not doing it now. So that was the starting point. For those of you that listened to the example earlier, you know, from a couple episodes ago, it was a very similar thing, that people that are in power believe that anger is strength. They believe annoyance is knocking people into behaving well. They believe it's doling out authority. And it's necessary. And only if they get some kind of honest feedback from someone, or probably in most cases, from a lot of people, would they take heed. You know, one wife is— or one husband is not enough. It's going to require a herd, it's going to require a community almost, to be able to really have an impact. So his comment was, finally, after hearing it from a handful of people, was, oh my, he knew he was in for it. He, he realized he was at a crossroad of his life. You know, for those of you that live in a spiritual circle, he was in a bardo, which means he's in between two worlds. You know, it's like he was really disoriented. And so that led to, you know, really 3 years of intensive work, some with a staff, some alone. And gradually, and I do mean gradually, he would learn to pause, because oftentimes he would just react. And he gradually learned to pause, he gradually learned to be less critical. And then the question was, well, how else could you be? You know, we're going back to intention to heal again. How could you treat your staff in a more respectful way, in a more caring way? And he realized, well, I guess I could be a little less hostile. So, well, that's not a bad start. And that was pretty realistic, became a little less hostile. That was about where he was. And so I don't wanna give an idealistic sense. This took a couple years to make significant progress. And even then, as we've shared with most examples, I expect him to die with an attitude. I don't think I healed him. I don't think— I don't think I've— I don't know if I've ever healed anyone, you know. But I think I've made progress with almost everyone. And the, and the goal here isn't to be healed. The goal here isn't to arrive. The goal here is to expand, to improve, to be more aware of wherever you are challenging, or especially when you're challenged, to see what kind of reactions happen. And if you're on the path of expanding or improving or wanting to get— dedicate yourself where this doesn't feel like homework, it feels much more like Christmas. It feels much more like Hanukkah. It feels much more like it's a gift you're giving yourself. This is not a homework assignment. This is something that's arising from inside you that you may never have received before. Certainly you haven't given it to yourself before very often, and you may have never received it from anyone. But to be able to see that this is a form of self-gifting, Yes, it's going to help others as well. Yes, that's equally as important, but it's important for you too. So the amount of corrections that have happened where people say, well, so you're saying I have to, or I need to, or I should, and the buzzwords were, no, you get to. And people would smile because I've said it thousands of times. So you get to. This is you honoring you with a tone of voice that's going to dignify your life. This could be on your epitaph.

As you were talking about the CEO, your client, and that environment on one extreme, somebody that has a successful company that has maybe hundreds, if not thousands of employees, just a significant amount of self-esteem, etc. And I, and I hearken back to a time you and I shared, uh, in the mid-1970s running a boys' home for 15 kids. And it relates to the, again, the frame of reference where people are coming from. And we had only teenagers. We had teenagers 15 years, 17 years old. And one in particular was referred by the probation department. And we found out that he was every day going to school at the bus stop, he was doing strong-arm robberies. He was going up to people and threatening them and saying, "Give me money." And so he came back and he was turned in. And I remember, like the frame of reference, it sounds like from a completely different side of the coin, but his frame of reference was he didn't get it. This is his spending money. This is just what I do every day. Now, what's the big deal? And talked to him and we talked to him and it was like, eventually it was like, ah, so maybe the light bulb went off and it was like, okay, so maybe I'll just do it once a week. And the point being, our tones, our way of being, our intentions are so contextual to where we're coming from, to the environment, to the people in those environments, the people that influenced us. And what is normal is a completely individual thing.

Absolutely. You know, we have done a Skid Row program for the last 20 years. Where we hand out healthcare kits. And every time I get up at the end of it, and there's— it's a partnership with another group, and there's, you know, 60 or 70 of us together. And unquestionably, because it's so primitive inside me, I end up saying, we could be anyone. We could swap roles with them just as easily if the conditions were what they face, the odds are very high we would be them. And so understanding if you're born in a war-torn country, or you're born in a gang, or you're born in white nationalism, or you're born in Nazi Germany, and you're, you're connected to Hitler, you're an idealist. You know, you're trying to improve the world. That's what it's about. You know, it's like I've been thinking to myself, how would I talk to a white nationalist that really would allow it for a dialogue without being sarcastic, without being angry, without being hostile? And I realized— I came to a real epiphany, which was an empathic response, which is, you know what, even though I don't have the same view, I realize You believe that you're fighting for a better world, but you're actually trying to— let's face the facts, whites are superior and people of color, no, they, they have— they're not as smart, you know, they, they deserve to be treated the way they are. You guys are— you guys have got sunglasses on, and I appreciate the fact that you're willing to talk to me given the fact that you believe that so strongly. And I'm not going to shut it out. I'm going to keep hearing you. And I actually like you to talk about it more. I'd like to hear how you feel you're trying to set up a better world. And that kind of goes to what you're talking about, is being able to join the frame of reference of where people are coming from to understand their tones and why they— whether it's repeating robberies, or repeating verbal emotional abuse to a spouse or to people across the table, as we saw oftentimes at our residential treatment center for teenagers, that we needed to come from this is normal from where they started. To come from a judgmental place is a reflection of our environment. Where we're coming from, we think we're superior. We think we have a leg up because we came from greater opportunities or whatever else. And most of us feel like we earned it. So the key theme here is not to just be reactive to another because they're coming from a place that seems insane to us. It seems outrageous. It seems obvious. It's like I look at some of the claims right now of the fake election, you know, the steal the vote. You know, I've generally barred myself from going into political areas, but my gut level is to be angry. But what do I tell myself I want to do? It's like, what I want to do is I want to stay neutral. Now, I don't think I could be effective. I'm not claiming that this is going to have any great results. But it's not going to burn my heart. I'm going to save myself from heartburn. I'm going to say, help me understand what your evidence is. I mean, just help me understand. I still can't find it. I hear lots of claims. You know, I heard the president's attorney claim that he saw it somewhere on Facebook or somewhere on social media. So what— and that was his proof, and he was the source of starting it. So help me understand what your evidence is, because I can't understand it. I really can't. And I want to. Now, that'll make it a stalemate. I won't burn up. And the odds of me converting someone are about 10,000 to 1. But it's better than the alternative. And so we all need to use that tone of voice and say, okay, let's channel it toward people that can make sure that the vote isn't going to get stolen. And that we're going to be able to vote. And let's use our tone of voice for the benefit. And let's set boundaries. I'm not suggesting that we all try to love people that we can't reach. You know, I think back to Jesus saying, don't cast your pearls before swine. Now, am I calling them swine? Well, sort of, but not as a whole person. But in this area, It's a dream. It's a fake dream. The steal the vote is stealing from the truth. I'm not going to waste a lot of my energy on that. I'm going to put my tone of voice into things that possibly have some hope. I'm going to do my best to boundary, and I'm suggesting everybody else do their best to boundary situations where it truly is hopeless. But you've got to really make sure it's hopeless. Now, when you're dealing with anger, I want to go into a slightly different area. It's very important, especially as we're talking about tone of voice and relationship, that you not assume that your partner is ever going to be ready for your anger. Now, I'm going to say that again because it's so counter-experiential for, for people that are loose with their anger. To never— it's so important to never assume that your partner is ready to receive your anger, even if they've been angry with you first. Now, that may piss you off, but that's not my intention. My intention is that it's important to ask for permission, to say, are you okay if I express my anger with you? Now, the odds are pretty high that they're either going to say no or say, sure, fucking give me your best, you know, and they're ready for a good fight. And if you are going to express anger, and that is the best way, my suggestion is, is that you really express what it is you're angry that you wanted, not what you're angry that you didn't get, so you're at least focused on what you need. So I'm angry because I wanted you to communicate with me. I'm angry because I wanted you to be more affectionate. I'm angry because you said you'd come home at 5. I really was looking forward to you coming home at 5, and you came home at 7. I'm angry because you were angry with me, and I'm really wanting you to treat me with more respect. So that's why I'm telling you, and I'm toning it down. So as we talked about the other time, you're doing your best to understand. But you're still expressing what it is you need. But you've got to ask for permission if you really want to have any chance of expanding your quality of life. And from my vantage point, quality of life is why we're here. That is a mantra that, that is the head mantra for me. What is going to lead to quality of life in my world? When I wake up in the morning, when I go to sleep at night, I do my best to try to have that as an inquiry. So take a look and see where you are with that as to whether you really think you could ask for permission. And by the way, when you even have the awareness of asking for permission, oftentimes that's enough to make you just pause because you realize, you know what, I need to change gears here. Now, one of the things that is really helpful that relates to relativity, that anxious people are going to still have an anxious tone of voice, depressed people are going to still have some depression, angry people are going to likely still have some anger. That AA has an expression which I've always loved, which is fake it till you make it, that it's perfectly okay to not be perfect. And so all of these situations are going to require an intention to heal, but also a realism to recognize that you're on a relative scale. And so you want to light yourself up with a statement like, fake it till you make it. And that doesn't mean be inauthentic. That means try hard, try hard, try hard. You can see you didn't make it, you can see you didn't make it. And then eventually, if you keep doing it, you keep lighting up that intention, you're going to be able to have a a congruence of tone and truth. So maybe a couple examples might help illuminate that, or might help you see the relativity and how we leak with tones of voice. So let's say that you have a partner or a business partner or a life partner that's always late. And your response to them is, with laced with a bit of intolerance and impatience, you say, it's okay. But really, the tone is, I hate, I hate the fact that you, that you really have no respect for me or other people, and you're self-centered. And usually those judgments are there. So it's important to see the difference of you might say it's okay to a number of things. And yet, you're still laced with certain feelings. And you might even fool yourself thinking that you're really putting your tolerant foot forward. Now, it might be much more healthy to say, and I think it would be much more healthy to say, I'm wrestling with myself. I'm wrestling with myself. I'm in a state of wrestling because a part of me is angry, angry. A part of me is really wanting to be accepting or tolerant of it. And a part of me is really wanting you to pay more attention to it. I'm stuck in the middle of all that. So I'm saying it's okay, but it's only partially okay. So the congruence would be matching the tone with the words. You know, so you show, you know, you're gonna, you're gonna be showing some of the discontent or the annoyance or the unhappiness. So if you can match it with the struggle, that's what's really going to happen. That's what's really going to help. So another one, another example might be our partner doesn't fulfill a commitment that they said they do. And we say, uh-huh, I understand. And really, we're disappointed, we're angry, we feel victimized. And again, what's going to help is to have a tone that hopefully you're going to clean up as much as you can, but you're not a perfectionist. You're just going to be able to go, uh-huh, and I want to acknowledge, or I understand, but I want to acknowledge that I really am disappointed. And I'm trying my best not to lay a trip on you when I say I'm disappointed that, that you really aren't taking me as seriously as I would like you to. You know, can you understand that? And so you're trying to match the tone with the words. And this is a very key part of tone of voice is following, as we've emphasized in prior episodes, following your awareness of your challenging emotions, finding your intention to heal, hopefully using your friendly mind, using inquiry and asking yourself the question, and how do I deal with this partner of mine that is not fulfilling a commitment? Listening to the best guidance and then going with a congruent tone of voice that shares some of your inner world with a tone that's not disastrous. So as we wind down this episode, take a look and see how much are you ready to try to move towards this improved relativity of tone? How much are you ready to make this be not a homework assignment, not something you just saw on a podcast, or heard on a podcast, but something that you— it clicked. And hopefully you're the clicker, you know. Take, take the benefit of it being from you. Let it click. I'm just— look for a click. You know what, my life would improve, quality of life. That's me seeing it. And hopefully you're the one that wants to respond. And for sure, if you respond, you're the one that deserves the credit. So take that in and see if you can improve your quality of life with a more congruent tone, and you can move more and more in this trajectory that's going to be more in your heart or more in your friendly mind, that you're going to have a more fulfilling, satisfying relationship, life, and contribution to the world. And people ask the question, why are we alive? What's the purpose of life? The purpose of life is quality of life. Tone of voice is a vehicle to quality of life and seeing where the quality sucks and where the quality can expand. So hopefully you're taking this to heart. Hopefully you're a clicker and the click clicks. And my prayer for everyone is that we click when it comes to our tone of voice, and that we have a gap where we really have a moment before we react and respond. And we really ask, what tone of voice and what words would really allow my life to have the best quality? Thank you for your attention.

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