How understanding our feelings and needs can help us take care of ourselves - Episode 51

Awareness That Heals, Episode 51.

At the beginning, we need to keep reminding ourselves every time we feel something difficult, we want to look for these needs that will best take care of us and then how to implement them.

The Awareness That Heals podcast helps its listeners learn to develop the capacity to have a more healing response to emotions and situations rather than becoming stuck. Your host, Robert J. Strock, has practiced psychotherapy for more than 45 years. He wrote the book, "Awareness That Heals: Bringing Heart and Wisdom to Life's Challenges," to help develop self-caring and the capacity to respond in an effective way to life's challenges, especially at times when we are most prone to be critical or to withdraw. Together, we will explore how to become aware of our challenging feelings and at the same time, find alternative ways to live a more fulfilling and inspiring life.

So I wish you a very warm welcome again to Awareness That Heals, where we give it our best to focus on bringing our hearts and our wisdom to life's challenges. Today we're going to talk about really the key practice that through the years I found to be the simplest and easiest way for all of us to move from our suffering toward what will heal us. And it's a practice that's helped thousands of people to make a simple-to-understand link between the most challenging feelings that we have, situations that we have, that we face every day and how to move toward healing and wellbeing. And I wanna highlight the fact that it's simple to understand, but requires a deep dedication to relate to our challenges in a different way, in a more substantial way, and to have a quantum leap toward that. And also when I mentioned toward healing, getting out of the illusion of total healing and getting into the, the inspiration and the motivation to move in that direction. It's such a barrier to think of ourselves as healed or not healed, because we'll probably end up not healed for our whole life. But if we can really gather the insight that we want to move in that direction for the rest of our lives, We almost can't fail. We, we, it's almost impossible not to keep making incremental progress. And this is a very grounded, inspired way to live. And it starts with, as always, authentically facing what's difficult in our lives and naturally leads us to inquire How do I, or how do we best take care of myself or ourselves and those around us? This is what I really wish was taught in school from the first grade on. But in lieu of that, we're gonna dive in here. Like to start off by introducing Dave, and I'm going to, for the first time, not tell you who he is, cuz I'm gonna hope that you've listened to prior episodes and you know who he is and you're probably tired of hearing who he is. So Dave, thanks for joining us.

I'm tired of myself too. It's great to be here. The subject today of moving from feelings to needs is— it's almost like a— it sounds like a riddle. But I think that you're As we, as we move into this, you're going to make it very clear how important and really, when you get down to it, simple but vital it is.

Yeah, I couldn't agree more. So when we are challenged emotionally, we can uncover the direct positive connection between what we feel or the difficult situation we're facing and what and how we need to move in directions that are going to support well-being. In a certain way, it's, it's really like a master key and a lock, where the master key is really being aware of our challenging emotions and really being respectful as we see them rather than dissing them or moving them away or just having fleeting awareness. We're really zeroing in on what it is that's difficult for us, and we're not treating it like it's just a little important. We're realizing because we're gonna start to really deepen our capacity if it's not already developed, to be able to find the needs that can guide us to be grateful that we're really aware of our challenges, because we know something good is going to follow, because we're committed to really finding what those needs are and what directions we need to move. And coming back to that metaphor of a, of a master key, when we really have the awareness stabilized in our sights and we have the intention to heal, when we discover the needs that we need to move toward and how we can do that, it really is like putting the key in a lock, turning it, and being able to open our lives and in most cases, open our hearts, or at least develop a friendly mind toward ourselves. As is really clear by now, all the practices in Awareness That Heals, both the book and the podcast, start with facing our specific challenging feelings and situations and using this awareness as the first step toward healing. Now you may say that I repeat that over and over again, and guess what? You're right. And I'm repeating it because the world throughout history, to the best of my knowledge, has never really valued that as being part of the key essence of living a fulfilling life. Spiritual traditions, religious traditions have all too often bypassed this. And psychology is all too often not really gotten to the nitty-gritty of spiritual values and needs that we all have to truly heal in a way that's universal. It's not only going to help ourselves, but it's going to help the world too. So we need to congratulate ourselves when we're aware of these challenges. And I'm going to say that again. We need to congratulate ourselves when we're aware of these challenges. And not go, oh shit, that's still there. Oh, I'm still anxious. Oh, I'm still depressed. Yes, we may have that, and it's never too late to catch ourselves, but we want to catch ourselves and recognize I'm not doing this on purpose. And so I really want to give the best response I possibly can to being in these situations, because all of us in being human are going to be there. And it's especially important when we face something that's particularly difficult, because the natural tendency is to turn away or to be critical toward ourselves. Now, this kind of movement towards self-compassion allows us to stay with our emotional self and what challenges us, no matter what it is, whether we're facing the ultimate of our loss of capacity or dying, or whether we're facing a mini loss with a non-communication or miscommunication with someone close to us, we can always look for a place inside us that wants to move in a healing direction. But at first, we need to dedicate this to memory. After a while, maybe a decade, maybe 5 years, or someone that's really developed, maybe a year. It becomes intrinsic. But at the beginning, we need to keep reminding ourselves every time we feel something difficult, we want to look for these needs that will best take care of us, and then how to implement them. As mentioned in the 5th episode, I call this desire to want to move in that direction, an intention to heal. As an example, when we feel afraid, we need to guide ourselves to our intention and ask what qualities, thoughts, or actions would support healing and well-being and help us to move toward courage or safety. I mean, just imagine for a second when you're afraid, when you're anxious, and you remember to ask and to realize, I want to move in a direction that could access some courage, that could access a feeling of safety if that's the particular need. And every situation is unique, whether we move one way or the other. And to identify these challenging feelings specifically, and to see these essential healing qualities. And as mentioned many times throughout the podcast, please look at the free introspective guides on awarenessthatheals.org. These include a list of 75 challenging emotions and 75 healing qualities. And how the two are interconnected. And hopefully by now you have that in front of you, so it really will not become difficult anymore to identify what you actually feel is challenging and what directions you have— a whole menu of directions to move toward. And then the rest of the podcasts are how do we move toward. Because it's one thing to identify your feelings and your needs, and it's another thing to be able to actually move in that direction.

Can you clarify, because it seems to be used interchangeably, if there is, or what it is about the two words qualities and needs? Because I notice right now that we're in an area called feelings to needs, but qualities are so similar to aspire towards.

It's a great question and one that I know you and I both deliberated on, suffered for weeks trying to figure out how do we communicate that to a mass audience. And because needs is such a common language for the psychological community, it was clear that it had to be needs. And because in the spiritual world or religious world it would be much more represented as qualities, that qualities like compassion or love, whereas needs for compassion or love would be the way it would be conveyed in the psychological community. So we really want to include not only those two worlds, but also a third world, which is people that aren't into either one of the two. And so we figured that if we throw two words out there, maybe we can get as many people as possible, because this is not designed only for a psychological audience or spiritual audience. It's also designed for just every human being that has universal human needs. We all, in being human, have needs. And I'm talking about not so much the food and shelter needs— that's really more dealt with in the other podcast, The Missing Conversation. But in this one, we're really focusing on the inner needs for our, our well-being that have to do with our heart and guiding ourselves to actions that will fulfill ourselves in the most potentiated way possible. So as you look at these charts, the first chart is really identifying the challenging feelings. And it has been very helpful to a lot of people to look at those 75 challenging feelings and circle the ones that are most awake and alive for you. You may think dead for you, but alive for you in present time. So you can say, these are the ones I'm suffering with right now, and I want to really zoom in. I want it to be like a, like a, you know, like an intensive microscope or telescope where I'm really zooming in on them. And then the next chart, Chart 2, is really the essential needs and qualities. And again, zooming in, oh, you know, when I'm really hurting, I need to find a way to soothe myself. How could I move towards soothing? Who could help me? How can I help myself? What thoughts would be helpful? And so You'll be given a menu of those two to really be more articulate to yourself and more specific, because leaving it in general as feelings and needs is an abstraction. But when you're talking about what's really aching inside you and what could really move you in a direction that uniquely in your way No formula for everyone. Everyone's going to choose a different set of needs or need to focus on that really will touch the spot. And that's why there are so many needs, because we're all so unique. So hopefully this will allow you not to be left in, I can't figure out what I'm feeling, I can't figure out what I'm needing.

I just want to say how important those charts are, especially at the very beginning. And I know for me, as life has gone on, and I think this probably is true for most people, except when you're facing extraordinary new circumstances, have a theme in life that gravitates towards repetition of patterns. Repetitions of the kinds of, of challenging feelings and emotions that almost always, but not always, but have similar anecdotes— or I can't talk today— have similar antidotes on, on the qualities and on the need side. But there's exceptions, and there's always exceptions. But the charts really bring me back to triggering a sense of identification that's so important, where I can find a place I can feel connected to, and I can then say, okay, where can I move from having identified how I feel in the first place?

Your word identification is such a key word. If any of us really identify with this and it really becomes a part of our daily life, that's when it really can maximize the benefits. And the other thing you said was you referenced chronic patterns. And I think of all the people I know in my world, and frankly, all the people that are vastly not in my world who suffer from chronic anxiety or chronic depression. And so they kind of get bored frequently or aggravated or throw it all away. And so, for example, let's, let's take anxiety and you're feeling anxious. You just kind of get into a habit of ignoring it and living on top of it versus I want to relate to you, me, all the time. I don't want to diss you. I don't want to diss me. I want to be able to recognize and say things like, you're not doing this on purpose. You're not anxiety-ing on purpose. You're not depressing on purpose.

You—

this is very difficult for you. I see you. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? And of course, the answer most of the time is no. And so you, you need to keep— we need to keep digging into ourselves or sending an arrow toward ourselves to be able to have an intersection between what's really aching inside us or situations that are really challenging And staying with the anxiety, being able to stay empathic, relational, and then learning how to both care for ourselves where we are and then realize it doesn't have to dominate our whole world. We can also still chew gum and walk at the same time. We can still relate to the world around us while caring for ourselves on our own. And once in a while, we'll have somebody close to us where we can say out front, yeah, of course I'm dealing with my anxiety and this is what I'm saying to myself now, and I want to be here with you. And it's really like a miracle when you do take that time to relate to yourself in a kind way, in an accepting way, in a tolerant way, rather than ignores, it gives a boost of energy. The anxiety might not change, but you feel somehow more authentic, like you're not hiding yourself. You're, you're really not hiding even inside yourself. You're actually having a, a caring relationship to yourself as you are.

I just want to amplify what you're saying there in my own personal experience. Um, and of course you're using the word anxiety, which is one of the patterns in me that has been lifelong. And there's a couple of versions of it. One version is the realization I'm going to have to be with it I'm just going to have to be with it. And so the self-compassion, the tolerance, the capacity not to turn away from it is so, so important. At the same time, there's other occasions where I feel it, and as I look at it, I realize there's really nothing to be anxious about, and I have a different experience. And there is a sense that when I'm paying attention, there are occasions where anxiety can evaporate, not because of any particular reason, except that what I'm afraid of, when I take a closer look, is really not what I thought was going on.

Yeah, it's a great distinction. Um, I think most of the second types where it can dissipate are situational. And are not chronic. It's an important distinction to make because we really can have things evaporate at times when it's— when we realize, oh my God, I'm imagining this and I don't know anything, you know. And as a matter of fact, the odds are 99.2% that I'm going to be okay. And so I don't really— maybe that's not enough, 99.9— I'm okay. And so That's a very, very important distinction, and we can't mention enough, you know, how anxiety or depression or confusion, any of those are ones that we want to treat as they're a best friend. And I noticed when you spoke, Dave, you used the word 'I have to,' and that is the first level of how we relate to it. Oftentimes we can, and especially I hope that this will leave a smile now and in the future for many people. At first it's, oh, I have to relate to this anxiety again. And then there hopefully will be this awareness that we've mentioned a couple of times where I get to, I get to be wise, I get to be the guide. I get to be the responder that isn't just a slave out in the desert of this feeling. I have resources, I have some skills, I have some alternatives, I have some paths that I can walk. And so it really is much more like, let's say you get a bruise, but it's not a bad bruise and you're in a sandbox. And you can still get to play. I get, I get to take care of myself. I, I get to really use some healing ointment that I have inside me. So one of the things that's really an insight that may not be obvious to many people is that our emotional suffering is so often a result of thwarted needs or desires. And so we might want our, for example, if we're talking about more of the lightweight desires, we may want our sports team to win. You know, we may want to have a better sleep than we did. We may want to be an inch taller than we are. And there are desires that come up. We might want to be prettier than we are and more handsome than we are. We might want to lose 40 pounds. And where we have some kind of a glandular, you know, or we might have a hormonal conditioning where we can't do that. Sometimes desires, really many times desires are not possible. And so they can, as Dave said, they can just dissipate once you see, oh, I don't even have to accept it. I just need to realize it's completely impossible. Yeah, I do need to accept it, but it's because it's completely impossible. There's nothing I can do about it. And then there are those needs, the emotional suffering that comes from deep-seated needs. Those are the ones that really are going to require extra work to be able to see what, what are, what are the specific needs and how do we implement them in our lives in a real way, not just conceptually.

On that point, I, I want to reflect back to being, um, very tall for my age when I was about 12, 13. In fact, I'm about as tall today, close to 6'2", 6'2", something like that, as I was then. And I remember a person that was about my size continued to grow and ended up being 7 feet. And I was so afraid. I was already much taller than my peers at that time, and I just I almost wanted to will myself, insanely of course, to stop growing, and watched as this person grew and grew and grew and grew. And of course, there are other roots to it. I, at that point in my life, to be too tall meant maybe I'd be a freak in some way. I would be unacceptable to other people. There's kind of underpinnings to even The things that can't change, why do I feel concerned about something I can't change, was an easy answer at that point, or at least retrospectively, but I certainly experienced it then.

Right. Now, as you listen to Dave, that might sound absurd. Yeah, boy, were you a dumbo to try to stop growing. But the reality is, if we look closely, And please look closely right now. What desires, what unrealistic desires do you have? Maybe you want to be married and you can't be married right now. You don't even have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Or maybe you really want to change your looks. Maybe you don't like your body image. Maybe you want to have more money and you can't find any source of money, and certainly not in the next 5 minutes. And so when the thought arises, is it natural for you, just like it wasn't for Dave, you know, what was it? Is it natural for you to be able to go, oh, that's absurd. I can't do anything about that right now. You know, sure, I'll take a look and see if there's anything I can do about it in the future. But if it's stopping growing, you know, you probably need a jackhammer, you know, going straight down in your head. And even that might not work. And so it's so important not to disidentify with what Dave's saying, but to identify with it and see that all of us are— and I hesitate to use this word— a victim of our own desires as we wish for things that are absolutely impossible, especially in the moment or the very near future. And if we can see that, and we really can respond with, you know what, it's not realistic now. And so I'm sorry, we need to let go of this. And we can really learn to listen to ourselves. Probably one, 10, at least 10%, and in some cases 50% of our suffering would be gone. You know, it's like if we have chronic anxiety. And we've done everything to experiment with medications and psychology and, and we can't change, to be able to say, good for you, you've done everything you can, and I'm sorry, we can't do anything more. That is a desire related to a need. There is a need to not be anxious, but if you've done everything you can to try to take care of the need, then it can become a desire because there's nothing else you can do.

I also want to just add to that, that— and, and, and I, I know you're going to get there, but it— one thing can lead to another. As I was in that age and as I grew older and, and, and began to have some awareness, it became clear to me that that desire not to be taller also related to fear of rejection. It had to do with a desire to be accepted by certain people and different things I was taught about what was important, about how I should be or how I should look. There are certain elements of that that played a part that led me to yet another layer of having to look.

Yeah. And that is a very important point that when we have one obvious desire or need, when we look closely, it frequently will lead to a constellation of other needs. And when we see the constellation, that's why it's so important to see the specificity, because we could solve one need and maybe not solve the other one, or not even maybe, we won't solve the other one unless we can identify it. So one simple example as we wind this episode down, and we're going to really be drilling into feelings to needs, so I hope you'll stay all the way through with us, is that let's say we feel guilty. And what is that thwarted desire for? What is that thwarted need that we have? When we feel guilty, we want to be innocent. And it reminds me of a time when One of the people that have helped me most in my life said to me, don't feel guilty for feeling guilty. And what that really said to me was, I need to see the innocence of the guilt, which is I feel guilty because I wanted to be an innocent person and I wasn't. And so how do I foster the innocence in the guilt? It requires courage in a certain way to face our guilt, but it requires a bit of wisdom to look for what's the maximum way I can find my innocence now. I can't change the past. How can I be innocent in my daily life so I can maximize past guilt and how I can soothe myself to foster, as Dave said earlier, an identification and identifying with this longing to take the feeling and move toward the need. So hopefully in this very first round of going into feelings, moving from feelings toward needs, you're getting a glimpse of what it is. And my wish is for this to be something that is part of who you are, part of your identity. and please join us as we continue to delve further into this. And thanks so much for not only your attention but your retention as well.

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