Endure Chapter 3: Sex, Porn & Polyamory

Welcome to Chapter three of Endure. This is the weekly recording of a new book, Endure Guide to Spiritual Stamina, which you can find@getindoor.com each week I'll release to you a chapter and the full book is also available over there. And we are on chapter three. So let's begin. Chapter three Sex, Porn and Polyamory oh boy, I guess it's time to open a can of worms. I'm going to address a few somewhat controversial but absolutely temptation related topics that I've received quite a few questions about. And so I figured that in this somewhat hefty chapter I would kill three birds with one stone, sex, porn and polyamory and tackle all of them at once. The topics at hand are in no particular order of importance. Number one polyamory. Number two pornography. Number three sex. Obviously, all three of these topics are rife with potential for opinionated discussions and often trigger intense responses based on one's sexual history and personal beliefs. So I fully understand that you may not necessarily agree with what I'm about to tell you, but this is important. After all, sexual health is just as important for your physical, mental and spiritual fitness as lifting weights or meditating or praying. So I'll begin by addressing polyamory and then move on later to pornography and sex. Let's begin here. What's Polyamory? Well, polyamory is a practice of engaging in multiple romantic and typically sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved. And it might very well be the biggest sexual revolution since the 60s. Several of my notable friends in the authoring and health and fitness communities like Chris Ryan and Neil Strauss, Aubrey Marcus, Kyle Kingsbury, or Paul Scheck. These are just a few influencers who I know and who I consider have taken what would be a significant part in popularizing polyamory. Amongst the crowd that I hang out with. Folks like this often will claim that polyamory is a path to integrating sexual freedom, honesty and openness while still retaining a semblance of commitment to a partner. But others think that polyamory, in addition to creating inevitable scenarios of jealousy and relationship angst, could pose an existential threat to Western civilization, societal stability and family legacy. And I'd tend to agree. It's important to raise this issue not only because a significant number of people seem to be pursuing polyamorous, open or swinging relationships these days, but also because the nature of societal views on marriage can have long lasting implications for children, communities, economies, civilizations, and future generations. Sure, I fully realize that many would argue that sexual relationships are a matter of individual choice, nobody else's business. And what happens in my bedroom stays in bedroom, bro. But I'll certainly make it a business of non apologetically sticking my nose into other people's sex lives or any other aspect of their lives for that matter. If I feel those sexual choices may significantly affect the world I live in and the world my children grow up in, I also fully realize that I cannot, in a single chapter of a book, thoroughly address this topic. That would require a full book. And yes, yes, yes, I've read my friend Chris Ryan's book Sex at dawn, which is largely an argument against monogamy and for polyamory. I've also read the quite decent antithesis to Chris Ryan's book Sex at Dusk by Lyn Saxon, a book that presents the polar opposite view. And I've even quite recently read Doug Wilson's hilarious fiction book Ride Sally Ride, which is a witty expose of what can happen when we slide from the devaluation of marriage all the way down to sex dolls being recognized as humans with rights. So you may want to consider reading all those books to better form your own opinions around this topic. But despite not having the bandwidth to write a whole book on polyamory, I can, at least in this brief, brief part of this chapter, share with you my thoughts and concerns regarding polyamory before moving on to the equally inciting topics of porn and sex. However, before filling you in on my personal thoughts regarding polyamory, I'll first define what polyamory is a bit more thoroughly than I just did. In a nutshell, polyamorous relationships, also known as open relationships, are based upon the concept of consensual non monogamy, which is the idea that relationships can theoretically be loving, committed and serious without necessarily being sexually exclusive. Now, many proponents of polyamory would say it's a bit of a libertarian approach to sex and marriage, meaning that if you choose to have more than one child, more than one friend, and more than one work colleague, you should also be free should you so desire to choose more than one sexual partner. Among married couples, you may also be familiar with a flavor of polyamory called swinging, or essentially sexual partner swapping. There's also polygamy, which is a bit similar to polyamory, but occurs within the context of a marriage and is simply the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time. Now, openness to a so called poly lifestyle appears to be surprisingly common. For example, 4 to 5% of all adults are in open or polyamorous relationships. 20% have at least tried some kind of such relationship. 17% of adults 18 to 44 have had sex with someone else with the consent of their partner. And that's 9% amongst adults 45 to 54 years old. 28% of adults say it's not natural for humans to be in a monogamous relationship. And and 29% of adults under 30 consider polyamory to be morally acceptable, compared to 6% of adults over 65. So that's what polyamory is, and that's how surprisingly common it is. So why do I and many others consider polyamory to be problematic? Well, first, polyamorous relationships tend to be rife with jealousy, particularly sexual jealousy. This makes sense from an ancestral standpoint. We humans have deep rooted desires for relationship features such as paternity certainty, for example, who's your real daddy? Protecting pair bond and reducing sexual disease transmission. This jealousy, as I've witnessed in many of my polyamorous friends, can be stressful, difficult to manage, and can often create intense emotional turmoil in a relationship. Of course, jealousy, along with broken agreements and dishonesty, can also be a feature of monogamous relationships. But the fact is that if you're in a polyamorous relationship, you know your partner is sleeping around and also often know with whom they are sleeping around. The potential for jealousy, stress and emotional turmoil threatens to be much higher. And this is exactly what I have witnessed in my own polyamorous friends. Their relationships with both their spouse and their so called open others seem to be a constantly stressful drama chock full of emotional meltdowns and bitter arguments. You know, like, you did what with who? And you've never done that with me. Furthermore, polyamory seems to require a significant amount of trade offs in terms of time, energy, money and mating efforts to juggle multiple partners. Partners who are simultaneously also trying to do the same with their multiple partners. Where does dad sleep when mom's boyfriend comes over for the night? Where does little Johnny go during this time? If the polyamorous relationship occurs in a scenario in which multiple partners are living within the same household, who decides which bed the man or woman chairs for the night? And who watches the kiddos when mom or dad are out on a date night with their extra partner? There's even a term poly drama used as a moniker for these types of sticky, often unforeseen problems that sometimes aren't considered since they're often overshadowed by the prospect of sexual freedom and getting to enjoy multiple partners. Well, speaking of kids, who exactly does a child who lives in a polyamorous house appropriately and accurately call their father? Who do they call their mother? When it comes to paternity certainty, a phrase I used earlier, a man's confidence that his kids are really his Is there a mental shift in the way a man cares for a child not his own versus a child who he's confident is his direct blood relative? If a man is indeed concerned about this, or a woman wants to guarantee she has a child by one specific man in the relationship, does this increase the expenses of paternity testing or, on a more serious note, the likelihood of a desire for abortion? As you can imagine, when it comes to the children, polyamory can introduce a host of additional confusions that go beyond the stress of juggling multiple partners. Disease risk may also be amplified. In the case of polyamory, monogamy reduces the spread of sexually transmitted infections. And although these so called STIs have become far less common over the last several centuries, anytime there are more sexual partners in any scenario, the likelihood of STIs even in the era of vaccines and medications and prep and condoms and safe sex could potentially be higher in a polyamorous relationship. Though I'll admit that's not proven, or at least the threat thereof could require far more time, energy, and even more mental stress based around contraceptive practices and disease risk. Heck, I know if I knew my wife's genitals were being rubbed against a few different gentlemen each month or year, I'd certainly have a gnawing worry at the back of my mind about what exactly could have been on one of those dicks that was now on my own. Now, next, folks like Jordan Peterson have astutely noted the potential sexual, egalitarian and violence reduction benefits of monogamy. This may be in part because monogamy decreases decreases the ability of males to monopolize women while simultaneously helping to equalize mating opportunities and decrease violent competition among males. Peterson puts it this way men get frustrated when they're not competitive in the sexual marketplace. No, the fact that they do get frustrated doesn't mean that they should get frustrated. Pointing out the existence of something is not the same as justifying his existence. Frustrated men tend to become dangerous, particularly if they're young. The dangerousness of frustrated young men, even if that frustration stems from their own incompetence, has to be regulated socially. The manifold social conventions tilting most societies towards monogamy constitute such regulation. Socially enforced monogamous conventions decrease male violence. In addition, and not trivially, they also help provide mothers with comparatively reliable male partners and increase the probability that stable father intact homes will exist for children. Well, I mostly agree with Jordan on this point. In my last book, Fit Soul, I talked about my opinions on father intact homes and fatherlessness. Now I believe social or government enforcement of monogamy shouldn't exist. Instead, I think children should be taught about the values of marriage and the stability that monogamy affords, then be free to make their own choice. As a self professed libertarian, I don't really want the government ordering me to be a one woman man any more than I want them ordering me to be a two or three or four woman man. But at the same time I should also be free to express my own opinions on this matter and teach my children what I consider to be valuable ethical and More on this shortly Biblical Views on Marriage the societal stability afforded by monogamous societies is also a hefty consideration here. From everything thing I've researched, the only societies that have ever succeeded in becoming large scale technological civilizations are societies that have adopted monogamous marriage as the gold standard for long term pair bonds and family formation. As the paper the Puzzle of Monogamous Marriage succinctly notes, it is worth speculating that the spread of normative monogamy, which represents a form of egalitarianism, may have helped create the conditions for the emergence of democracy and political equality at all levels of government. Within the anthropological record, there are statistical linkages between democratic institutions and normative monogamy. Pushing this point, these authors argue that dissipating the pool of unmarried males weakens despots as it reduces their ability to find soldiers or henchmen. Reduced crime would also weaken despots claims to be all that stands between ordinary citizens and chaos. Historically, we know that universal monogamous marriage preceded the emergence of democratic institutions in Europe and the rise of notions of equality between the sexes in ancient Greece. We don't know which came first, but we know Athens, for example, had both elements of monogamous marriage and democracy in the modern world. Analysis of cross national data reveal positive statistical relationships between the strength of normative monogamy with both democratic rights and civil liberties. In this sense, the peculiar institutions of monogamous marriage may help explain why democratic ideals and notions of equality and human rights first emerged in the West. In other words, monogamy has historically been central to the emergence of complex societies. And while a small indigenous hunter gatherer village might be able to survive for long periods of time in a scenario of wife and husband swapping, you'd be hard pressed to name a single great country or institution that has emerged built upon a foundation of polyamorous or polygamous versus monogamous relationships. I suspect an additional reason this may be so is that from a legacy and legal standpoint, married couples can far more easily do things such prepare a living trust as an estate planning tool to more quickly transfer assets upon death, keep family matters private, minimize taxes, and develop a scenario in which a stable and long lasting legacy is built for generations to come. One reader on my website made an astute comment regarding this idea of monogamy and cultural stability when I was writing about this on BenGreenfieldFitness.com they said we have to trust that God has set up boundaries for morality in our lives because he as our Creator knows what is best for us. In his great book Civilizing Sex, Patrick Riley analyzes every ancient culture and what led to their destruction, and he boils the key to civilization down to one monogamy. Have you ever thought about why you don't know any Babylonians or Assyrians, but you do know at least one Jewish family? There's one simple reason Jewish culture has survived for 3500 monogamy. No society has ever survived the breakdown of the family and we would be fools to think ours will. Wow. Well, of course, considering I believe the Bible to be the absolute truth and the firmest foundation that exists upon which to build a society, I'd be remiss not to also share with you what the Bible says about marriage and sexual relationships. So what the Bible says about marriage Is there any evidence of a biblically based stable marriage that includes multiple partners? After all, many of the great men of the Bible, like Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon, along with a number of Old Testament patriarchs and kings, as was typical of many ancient Middle Eastern chieftains, all had multiple wives. But while the Bible describes the practice of polygamy and polyamory, it never actually condones this practice. As a matter of fact, I can't find a single passage in Scripture where such a relationship is ever portrayed in a positive light or results in a happy, satisfied and stable marriage scenario. Additionally, in every such case, the practice of keeping multiple wives results in and pretty big problems, including Solomon's many wives leading him into idolatry and destroying his faith in God Extreme bitterness between Abraham's wife Sarah and her maid Hagar, with whom Abraham was sleeping Rachel's sinful jealousy of Jacob's wife Leah, which led to Joseph being betrayed and sold by his half brothers and the rape of one of King David's daughters, Tamar, by one of his sons, Tamar's half brother Amnon and Amnon subsequent murder by Tamar's brother Absalom. Sheesh, what a poly drama mess. Polygamy had mostly disappeared in Israel by the time of Jesus Christ and in the New Testament, Paul's Instructions in Titus 1 and 1st Timothy 3 clearly specify that deacons and elders must be the husband of one wife. He goes on to say in 1st Corinthians 7 that a man is to have his own wife and a woman is to have her own husband. Jesus also explicitly states in Matthew 19:3.9 that a man should have only one wife. Have you not read that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, for this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they twain shall be one flesh? God intended that marriage should work this way from the very beginning. The Bible clearly says in Genesis 2 then the rib which the Lord had taken from man he made into a woman, and he brought her to the man. And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Just like many orders, rules and laws in the Bible, I'm certain that God had a reason for inspiring Jesus to speak of and the biblical apostles to write of the values of a one woman man and a one man woman. Our Creator is certainly aware of many of the practical, legal, logistical, and societal downfalls of polyamory and polygamy, and aware of our human tendencies to engage in bitter and stressful bouts of jealousy and arguments in a multi partner scenario. Furthermore, many biblical writers refer to the exclusivity and sacredness of sexual love as being a symbol for the exclusivity and sacredness of our relationship with God. In other words, we should worship one God and we should marry one spouse. We shouldn't worship a variety of idols, nor marry or sleep with a variety of sexual partners. Adopting this monogamous practice of sexual commitment, loyalty, and honesty can create order, stability, honesty, patience, kindness, love, and a host of other societal and spiritual fruits that simply seem far more difficult to attain in a polyamorous or polygamous society or relationship. Relationship. So, based on this, I believe monogamy was inherent to God's plan for humanity from the very beginning of creation. I'm well aware there are a host of arguments otherwise. But and I realize this is fully anecdotal in my experience and interactions with swingers, open relationship advocates, and polyamorous or polygamous friends. I can't personally name any single polyamorous or polygamous couple I know who has not been what I can best describe as either frequently miserable, depressed, or worried about the relationship, are constantly complaining of relationship stress and jealousy, or possessed of relatively confused children, all as a result of juggling multiple sexual partners. So in summary, rampant and unfettered access to multiple digital sexual partners, like as in porn, along with many people's complete lack of knowledge or experience with true sacred spiritual sexual intercourse, is no doubt contributing to poly popularity and may even make the prospect of multiple sexual partners be all the more natural and appealing. So in the next section of this chapter, stay tuned as I tackle two other important considerations for sexual porn and sex. In the meantime, allow me to share with you one of my favorite songs to sing to my best friend, lover and wife of 18 years, Jessica Dawn Greenfield. The name of the song is Forever and Ever Amen by Randy Travis. You can also watch it or listen to it on YouTube. I'll link to it if you go to endorebook.com Chapter 3 Pay close attention to lyrics goes like this you may think I'm talking foolish, you've heard I'm wild and I'm free. You may wonder how I can promise you now this love that I feel for you always will be but you're not just time that I'm killing I'm no longer one of those guys as sure as I live this love that I give is gonna be yours until the day that I die oh baby, I'm gonna love you forever Forever and ever, Amen. As long as old men sit and talk about the weather as long as old women sit and talk about old men if you wonder how long I'll be faithful to well I'll be happy to tell you again I'm gonna love you forever and ever Forever and ever Amen. They say time takes its toll on a body Makes a young girl's brown hair turn gray well honey, I don't care I ain't in love with your hair and if it all fell out I'd love you anyway they say time can play tricks on a memory make people forget things they knew well, it's easy to see it's happened to me I've already forgotten every woman but you. Oh darling, I'm gonna love you forever Forever and ever, Amen. As long as old men sit and talk about the weather as long as old women sit and talk about old men if you wonder how long I'll be faithful well, just listen to how this song ends I'm gonna love you forever and ever Forever and ever Amen I'm gonna love you forever and ever Forever and ever Forever and ever Forever and ever Amen Trust me, I've personally been a guy who's wild and free, and I've been a guy who's given love that's gonna be hers and only hers until the day that we die. And I can tell you the latter is far, far better. Happier, more satisfying, more fulfilling. And though saying it may put me at the risk of coming across as too aesthetic and erratic rational feels so, so right. So to wrap up this section of the chapter, I'll recommend you a few additional reading resources on this matter, including on sperm competition and the biological origins of hypergamy. The book Promiscuity and Evolutionary History of Sperm Competition by Tim Burkhead on jealousy and how it differs from envy. The Dangerous Passion by David M. Buse on male violence and the competition for sex and status. Why We Fight by Mike Martin Martin on the intersection of religion and competition for sex, as well as the abuses of church institutions. Alpha God by Hector Garcia on intersexual dynamics, including the dangers of polyamory. The Rational Male by Rolo Tomasi on how the Protestant Church systematically undermined kinship ties and forced monogamous expectations and built the cultural foundation of the Industrial Revolution. The Weirdest People in the World by Joseph Heinrich now how about you? What are your thoughts on polyamory? Are you a one woman man or a one man woman? Why is, or perhaps isn't yet that important to you? If you would like to take notes to yourself about those questions that I've just asked you, you can actually go to getindoor.com chapter three and I'll have a whole bunch of note taking sections for you there. That's getindoor.com chapter the number three.

Alright, let's move on. So here we are. Porn, Part two of a matter that I think cannot be ignored if we are to explore all avenues of sexual health. Before I delve in, allow me to be brutally honest with you about my own experience with porn. When I was 12, while employed as a janitor, I discovered dirty magazines and posters hidden away in the broom closet of my father's jet boat production facility in Lewiston, Idaho. The pornographic materials were essentially just pinup girls posing in bikinis or or tastefully nude, but I found it all intriguing nonetheless and tucked a few posters and magazines away to bring home to my bedroom. They weren't my father's and instead belonged to a few choice male employees of the company. But it was somewhat ironic that at the same time my father was famous in the local newspaper, the Lewiston Morning Tribune, for his local anti porn campaign. Detailed in a 1990 article by Moscan Askari entitled Porn Fighter Goes Back on the Warpath, the article includes the following quote Within a month, Greenfield said he hopes to have another boycott campaign underway and he has targeted 18 businesses at Lewiston Clarkston, which operate about 25 stores. He intends to extend the boycott to other towns in the region also. We hope that a boycott will be sufficient, but I wouldn't rule out picketing, he said. Greenfield, who last year set up an affiliation with the American Family association as it's Loose in Clarkson chapter, said his organization will provide concerned citizens with a list of stores and a boycotting strategy. Those magazines, they promote statutory race rape. They promote incest. They've encouraged that sex at any age is healthy. They sought to tear down every traditional Christian value that promotes the typical family, Greenfield said. That kind of philosophy contributed to teenage pregnancy and sexual disease like aids. He doesn't want his money to support businesses which sell magazines that support such philosophies. While I vaguely recall this time of my father's life, particularly when he came home one day after work and described how he purchased every last porn Mag of the local 711 for the purposes of throwing them in the dumpster outside the gas gas station, Other articles which I'll link to if you go to getindore.com forward/ chapter three featuring my father's local anti porn pro Family efforts included how to Fight Loose and Clarkson's Town Bully Subtitle Gary Greenfield of Lewiston has decided which magazines you shouldn't read and which movies you shouldn't see. But he's not going to let you make the final judgment about them. He's not even going to let you see them. And if porn boycott is out, what about others, including the anecdote Greenfield was identified as a town bully because he's willing to organize a boycott of those establishments which promote the degradation of women. Well, it's. It's pretty entertaining if you want to read those articles in their somewhat ancient entirety. Anyways, despite my father's valiant efforts to put a stop to such degradation of women, I personally, as many young red blooded American males did and of course still do, continued to find porn Absolutely intriguing. Being raised in a very strict household in which open talk of sex, porn and other similar matters was frowned upon upon, I soon found myself throughout high school using the Internet, which was painfully slow in those days, but still a readily available source of porn magazines and any other materials I could get my hands on to get aroused and to learn about sex at the same time. I was ashamed of and very secretive about my use of porn. But by the time I got to college, porn was widely accepted amongst myself and most of my male friends as a totally normal and expected component of our sexual existence. I'd grown jaded. Even after getting married, I continued to turn into into porn as a frequent source of sexual pleasure and entertainment, particularly when my wife wasn't around. If I was just bored at night without much else to do, or occasionally and quite sadly, even as something I'd look at before sex with my wife so I could get more turned on. As is quite common and for reasons I'll explain later in this chapter. Over years of porn use, I gradually couldn't even get aroused by photos of scantily clad or nude women, and instead needed high res videos, hardcore action, threesomes and beyond to experience any type of meaningful sexual pleasure. It wasn't until after my twin boys were of toddler age that I really stepped back and analyzed whether I wanted my sons to be raised by a father who was incapable of finding deep meaningful sexual satisfaction with his wife, let alone being unable to even become sexually aroused without incorporating some kind of fringe pornographic media. I found myself while surfing the Internet for photos and videos of women, unable to think about how I'd really feel of that Women being objectified and paid to pose were my own daughter, wife or sister or mother, and whether I really wanted my boys to grow up with the same sexual addiction or harsh objectification of women. It was during that time that I also discovered websites like Fight the New Drug and you'd Brain on Porn, which helped me become painfully aware of many of the deleterious brain and neurotransmitter issues associated with porn, this almost instantly placed porn for me into the same mental department into which I'd placed addiction issues such as alcohol or drug abuse. Finally, as I grew in deep love for my wife and began to cherish all the benefits and blessings of a committed monogamous relationship, I simply couldn't look at porn without feeling as though I was betraying her. Now, here's where I got lucky. I'm one of those guys who, by the grace of God, has always been able to just start or quit nearly any activity cold turkey. Call it willpower, stubbornness and all or nothing approach or whatever you'd like, but that's just the way I've always been able to operate, as author and Navy SEAL Jocko Willink dictates in his book Extreme Ownership. Sometimes changing a habit doesn't come down to psychological tricks, talk therapy, or mental magic to make a change. Instead, sometimes you simply buckle down, discipline yourself, and just do it. So one day when I was about 30 years old, I just stopped looking at porn. Of course, leading up to that moment, I'd come to a growing realization and conviction that the cons of porn far outweighed the pros of the instant sexual arousal and pleasure, that I was digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole of seeing women as mere sexual objects, and that if I was truly going to be a father, leader and king for my family, I couldn't waste a single additional precious minute of my life burning my eyeballs out staring at a pixelated screen of skin or scrolling through photo after photo of hedonistic indulgence. That's not how everybody quits porn, but that's how I did it. No special website filtering and blocking software, though. On my own children's computers and phones I now use one called Kanopy, which is great. No men's accountability groups and no pastoral therapy sessions. I just told myself no more. And then I walked away from porn for good. And thus now we come full circle with me, just like a chop off the old block, getting on my own porn soapbox to hopefully help a few boys or men or women who struggle with the time wasting, brain numbing, human objectifying nature of this all too readily accessible bastardization of the sacred sexual experience to swear it off altogether. So in the next little bit I'll share with you you what? I think the root problem with porn is how porn problematically affects our brain and our neurotransmitters, the pain porn can cause in our relationships, and the nature of just looking versus full blown adultery in general. Let's start with your brain on porn. Now most of us know what porn is, as United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart famously stated in a 1964 court case on pornography and obscenity, I know it when I see it. But so that we are all entirely clear as to what I'm talking about when I say porn, let's just go with the Merriam Webster definition in the dictionary, which I think is appropriate enough. The depiction of erotic behavior intended to cause sexual excitement in pictures or writing material like books or photograph that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement. The depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick, intense emotional reaction. So that's what porn is. But I think too few of us, especially us men, know what porn does. Let's begin with what a brain on porn looks like, which I briefly mentioned in my intro to this chapter when I alluded to two very helpful websites, fighthenewdrug.org, and your brainonporn.com, which both feature in depth articles, videos, audios and research to help educate you or a child being taught about porn or a loved one trying to help a spouse, friend or family member navigate through porn issues. To better understand the impact of porn on the central nervous system and neurotransmitters, here's how it works. Basically, the moment you look at or scroll through a series of erotic photos or videos, the reward system in your brain switches on. The reward system includes the ventral striatum and the orbitofrontal cortex of your brain, both of which help elicit the good feelings you get when you do something good or experience something pleasurable, whether that be a dark chocolate bar, an orgasm, or favorite song. As these areas of your brain become repetitively hyperactivated in response to viewing porn, your brain creates deeper and more networked reward circuits in response to porn as it learns, especially over repetitive exposure, that porn is a reliable way to experience the dopamine response associated associated with intense pleasure. For example, a 2016 functional MRI in the journal NeuroImage showed elevated activity in this section of the brain when males viewed something arousing, showing the brain's reward system was turning out extra dopamine. An analysis of each participant's self reported porn consumption habit showed that many of the subjects reported symptoms of porn addiction. When comparing the MRI data and survey results, the researchers noted that the degree of ventral striatum, the AT activation, significantly correlated with the degree of porn addiction each participant reported. People who reported signs of porn addiction experienced greater degrees of ventral striatum activity when they looked at porn, which means their brains were better equipped to experience a pleasurable response to porn. The amygdala, a part of the brain involved in stress, emotional behavior, and motivation, is also activated when viewing porn. For example, research on people with compulsive sexual behavior or sexual addictions to experiences like porn suggests that altered connectivity and increased activity in the amygdala are linked to heightened reward seeking behavior. Most notably, those studies show A change in a person's so called appetitive conditioning, which means the biological activation of award pathways is greater in response to sexual stimuli. This research shows that porn is a habit that trains the brain to seek rewards and a feel good response through porn. That's concerning because these are the same reward pathways that can become gradually desensitized through pedicure. Meaning that more and more porn or greater variations of porn are necessary to be able to continue to experience arousal in response to viewing porn. This can easily create a slippery slope from being satisfied and aroused with innocent bikini websites to needing to view relatively disturbing foursomes, child abuse, bestiality and beyond in order to become sexually aroused. Not to mention that plain Jane sex with a single committed partner sparks less and less formation of pleasurable neurotransmitters transmitters in the central nervous system. Perhaps that's why many men who use porn frequently experience porn induced erectile dysfunction. Besides these addiction and pleasure desensitization responses to porn, there are two other concerning effects of frequent porn use. First, one study found that many porn users are compulsive, distressed or both. And a host of additional research shows that frequency of porn consumption correlates with depression, anxiety, stress and social problems. Second, another study and and also additional research since that study in 2014 show that the volume of gray matter in a porn user's forebrain is negatively correlated with the volume of porn they view. Meaning that porn might produce structural brain differences and a shrinking of gray matter quite similar to what one would experience with say, excessive marijuana use. And I'll link to all those studies if you go to getindoor.com chapter three. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good romp in the bedroom with my wife and the occasional bout of St. Peter smoking weed. But there's a big difference between effects those activities have on the brain compared to like a nightly visit to pornhub and a marijuana addiction. I don't know about you, but my brain is pretty important to me, as are the biological responses I receive to any pleasurable element of life that produces dopamine. The fact that porn use might shrink my brain or numb my pleasure responses certainly makes me think twice about porn being a part of my life. But it gets worse. Porn can also significantly change the way you view and treat members of the opposite sex, especially and most concerningly your spouse or significant other. The best way I can describe this is that porn use can create a very similar relationship scenario to what you'd experience if you were actually cheating on your partner with a real person. It can also, even if you're not in a committed relationship, set you up to be more likely to cheat, be unfaithful, or be less committed to a future relationship. Sure, I realize many folks will say, I'm just looking. That's not cheating. It's not as though I actually stuck my dick in her or this sex doll vaginal stimulating toy ball of Kleenex with lube strap on insert erotic toy or image of choice here isn't actually a real human, so how could it be wrong? Or I'm not touching, feeling, or engaged in any kind of spiritual or psychological commitment to this pixelated image on my screen. So it's nothing like cheating. But as I'm prone to do when researching for articles and podcasts and books and for all important decisions in life in general, I look at this topic through the lens of my Go to Handbook on Morality the Bible Matthew 5, 27 and 28 are key verses related to this topic and part of Jesus's famous Sermon on the Mount. They address one of the Ten Commandments, namely, you shall not commit adultery. In this case, adultery is widely defined as sexual relations between a man and a married or betrothed woman who is not his wife. In the World English Bible Translation, the text from the Sermon on the Mount reads, you have heard that it was said you shall not commit adultery, but I tell you that everyone who gazes at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. In other words, Jesus equates sexual lust or sexual coveting as adultery. Put more succinctly, if you're looking, you're cheating. And just so you know, the word translated as woman here is jaina, which can mean woman or wife. So the sin lies not in simply lusting after the woman some other guy is married to, but a woman in general. In this case, looking is not simply noticing or appreciating the beauty of, say, appreciating pretty woman walking down the street or waltzing across the screen on your computer or the pages of a magazine. That's totally natural. There's no need to feel guilty about that type of natural sexual desire or appreciation of human beauty. Instead, this type of lust or coveting that Jesus is referring to would instead involve not just noticing and appreciating that woman, but instead scanning her up to down, head to toe, boobs to ass to heels, intensively. You know, I effing her, as the phrase goes, taking some mental snapshots of her for your your so called spank bank later that night, swiveling your head to get a better look at the short skirt or tight jeans as she passes by, or, in the case of porn, whipping your member out and pleasuring yourself right there on the spot. So why would Jesus warn about that type of activity being the equivalent of adultery? Well, put simply, in the same way that unforgiveness, bitterness, hate, and anger can destroy the sanctity of relationships and create a slippery slope into actual murder, a concept Jesus also visits in his Sermon on the Mount, unfettered sexual lust can create a slippery slope into actual real physical cheating. Here's the way I think about this slippery slope that can be created by just looking. First you view an erotic image, porn or an attractive woman in a lustful manner. Next, you begin to think about her, often with increasing frequency, as often as you might do while sexually aroused or masturbating. And then that image or images continue to saturate your mind, sometimes serving as a self pleasuring substitute for actual real sex with your partner, and sometimes, even more problematically, pop into your head while you're having sex with your partner, thus serving to smash apart the spiritual intertwining and sacredness of sex that I'll visit in more detail later in this chapter. After all, how deep and connected do you feel to your partner, and how honestly and lovingly can you gaze into his or her eyes during lovemaking while you're simultaneously imagining the erotic images of you were obsessed with the night before, that attractive human you saw walking down the street earlier that afternoon, or some kind of porn that involves multiple partners or animals or children or minors? Worse yet, if we're not talking about lusting after porn but instead after a real physical human being, let's say in this case you're tantalizing next door neighbor, you'll continue to think about that person sexually, even if subconsciously, especially while you're near him or her, with him or her, or talking to him or her. Even when you're having sex with your partner. Perhaps one day when your guard is down, your partner's out of town, you find yourself dropping by to help that neighbor move her couch or fix a faucet, and before you know it you're making out with them on the living room floor. Or maybe that hottie who you've been chatting with via email or at the hair salon or you're in some kind of an online group with and you just happen to have been mentally making love to for months happens to show up as an attendee at some out of town conference you're attending in their hotel rooms and the same block as yours, and after a few too many glasses of wine at a conference dinner, you run into them on an elevator and five minutes later your tongue is in their mouth and you're fumbling in your back pocket for your hotel room key card. And folks, I'm not making this stuff up. This is how it goes down. This is how the innocent act of just looking gradually and often quickly degrades into not only sexual dissatisfaction, dopamine desensitization and erectile dysfunction, but also sexual activities that go go far beyond just looking. This is how marriages get torn apart, families become separated, and entire generational legacies that took years to create become destroyed in a single one night stand. As a man thinketh right? See, Jesus was smart. He didn't just say this kind of stuff to keep us from having fun, to make Christianity a continual rite of self denial, or to make life feel like a real drag. He knew exactly what makes life better, what makes relationships more meaningful, what brings order to society, and perhaps most importantly, what kind of attitudes and practices equip us to live out the golden rule of loving our neighbor, which includes our partner in as full and glorious a way as possible. Heck, when you actually incorporate the kind of love that Jesus preached into your life and you practice and dwell upon that love on a daily basis, your desire to lust, covet, cheat, and engage in any other acts of sexual immorality considerably wanes. Because you've grown to love God, love your partner, and love your family so much that the last thing you'd ever want to do is throw a giant ugly wrench into that entire sublime scenario. Ultimately, I hope what I'm saying here makes sense. If you commit adultery with your eyes and in your heart, you'll find yourself readily capable of committing real adultery that tears your life apart. What begins in the brain will soon manifest materially. What you dwell upon mentally, whether consciously or subconsciously, weaves its way into your life in a surprisingly real and tangible way. And that can be a good thing. Or in the case of porn, it can be a very, very bad thing. Now, finally, and this first part is for you fellows who desire to be better fathers, leaders and kings for your household, you should know that porn makes you a weakling. Particularly hardcore porn in which you're watching other men get it on with a woman or women. How so? Well, recently pastor, author and podcast guest of mine, Doug Wilson, wrote an article on his website entitled Pornography for Cuckolds, in which he thoroughly explains how males who get aroused and sexually satisfied watching other males having sex with females become programmed to be more likely to want to share their women with other men and to shirk their role as a protector, provider and procreator, since those other males appear to be doing a fine and dandy job with those tasks. He explains it like this. In older forms of soft porn, think pinup girls, there is a straightforward problem for Christian men. There's a picture of a beautiful woman, and that woman was not your wife. Wife. You should not desire her or covet her or lust after her. Thus far, the plain scriptures. And it seems incredible to us today that a Christian man back in the day could have been stumbled by that picture painted on the front of his grandfather's B17 in World War II. But there you go. But fast forward. We refer today to hardcore pornography, by which means video of people having sex, live action of couples copulating. And because we are approaching this thoughtlessly, we think that it is the same thing as the B17 problem, only way more of it. We think that the risque on the left and hardcore on the right are settings on the same dimmer switch. But no, the nature of the problem has been completely changed and the magnitude of the change has almost entirely escaped our notice. We are accustomed to refer to alpha males and beta males. I would submit that our current forms of pornography are creating a limp new category, the gamma male. This is the poor innervated SAP who is shaped and molded and catechized by watching this stuff. How so? When a lion is having his dinner on the wildebeest he just took down and there is a circle of hyenas about 20 yards out, what does that tell you? Tells you the hyenas want what the lion has and that they're in no position to challenge him in order to get some. They're what we might call gamma hyenas. And when a man finds a particular woman beautiful and attractive and then he satisfies himself by watching as another man takes her, he's deadening all the remaining vestiges of masculinity within him. It's not a hyper masculine impulse to watch other people, people get it on. It's the opposite. It's one of the hyenas strutting in front of the other hyenas doing his best leonine imitation. It's not a cosmopolitan decadence, it's not worldly wise. It's not the experience of a man of the world. It's getting your jollies through, losing. Which as Sexual perversions go is down near the bottom. Civilizations are built by men who have families to feed. Cultures are built by men who can say a phrase like my wife without embarrassment. Men who have been trained in real masculinity are jealous and protective of their wives. So a man who is not jealous of his wife is not a real man. And pornography, especially of the sort we're talking about here, cauterizes all those basic God given masculine impulses. A man who is devoted to one woman will be jealous, he'll be unwilling to share her, and for his part, he'll be devoted to her alone. As I said, this kind of man with this kind of sexual focus is the kind of man who builds civilizations. A man who is willing to share sexually is a man who has nothing but contempt, contempt for the woman he's sharing with another man or with other men. This is the logic of the man who resorts to prostitutes. And as scripture tells us, he wastes his substance. He doesn't build cultures, he creates economic craters. So a man in bondage to pornography is almost certainly lying to himself. Yes, he says he has a problem. He's highly sex. He has more desires than other men. The testosterone is just sloshing around inside him. He's ahead of all his other men and there are all his unique problems that such manly men have. But in reality, he's just a mangy hyena with a hidden stash of wildebeests getting eaten by lions on his computer. Are you a man who's designed to be an alpha male lion, but who is instead watching a bunch of fake actor gamma male hyenas do what you're supposed to be out doing in the real world with an actual physical, real partner. Preferably a partner you love, care for, provide for, and to whom you are deeply committed. If so, you might want to think twice about the manner in which you're virtually castrating yourself. If you're a woman who knows such a man, you may also want to share this chapter with him. Now, next, I would encourage you, especially if you're a woman, to listen to or read a sermon by Pastor John Piper called the Tragic Cost of Her Cavernous Thirst. And I'll link to that on the resources page for this chapter in the sermon, Piper describes the story of the woman at the well as told in the Bible. Like this. But he needed to go to Samaria. So he came to a city of Samaria, which is called Sychar, near the plot of ground that Jacob gave, gave to his son Joseph. Now Jacob's well was there. Jesus, therefore, being wearied from his journey, sat thus by the well. It was about the sixth hour. A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, give me a drink. For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food. Then the woman of Samaria said to him, how is it that you, being a Jew, ask a drink from me, a Samaritan woman? For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans. Jesus answered and said to her, if you knew the gift of God and who it is who says to you, give me a drink, you would have asked. He would have given you living water. The woman said to him, sir, you have nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. Where then do you get that living water? Are you greater than our Father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as well as his sons and livestock? Jesus answered and said to her, whoever drinks of this water will thirst again. But whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst, but the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life. The woman said to him, sir, give me this water that I may not thirst nor come here to draw. Jesus said to her, go call your husband and come here. The woman answered and said, I have no husband. Jesus said to her, you have well said. I have no husband, for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you have now is not your husband. In that you spoke truly. So what does this story have to do with porn, polyamory, or sex in general? Well, consider this woman, particularly the fact that she'd gone through sexual relationships with six men, including five marriages, yet she's still desperately unsatisfied and thirsty. Piper comments that it seems she can't find in a man what she craves and thus moves from the one to the other, desperately believing men are the water she's thirsty for, or they can't find what they're craving in her, and one after the other eventually drops her, or both. In either case, this woman, despite having ample access to sexual partners, has been left with a deep emptiness. I'd imagine she could go her whole life marrying and trying new men or scrolling through as much porn as her heart desires without ever having had her thirst quenched. One of the evidences that you too, may not have drunk the water of life or that you are quenching its spring is that you, like this woman, are consistently moving from one sexual experience to the next, seeking to fill the void and infinite abyss in your soul that only Jesus can fill. As the words of Revelation 22:17 say, Let the one who is thirsty come. Let the one who desires take the water of life without price. I realize that I have been talking to men more than the women, so my apologies to any female listeners who may have felt this to be, aside from that last bit, a bit of a one sided talk to men. I get it. But you need to understand that I'm a guy and so many of the analogies and descriptions that I use are written from that standpoint. However, I also understand that although it's definitely less common amongst women, many women also view porn and struggle with many of the same issues, including polyamory, the topic I've discussed earlier. So everything I just talked about also can apply to you. You too can become dopamine desensitized, experience lower amounts of sexual arousal without the stimulus of novel erotic imagery, devalue your partner, objectify males, or cheat on and leave your family. Second, to simplify and summarize everything I've just told you, allow me to share with you how I openly discussed the matter of porn with my twin 12 year old sons when I opened this conversation with them at that age. Here's what I told them, which is exactly what I've told you, but here it is in a more succinct manner. First, porn impacts your brain in such a way that anything pleasurable in life, including sex, becomes less pleasant. Pleasurable Porn causes you to treat women like sexual objects rather than as real precious human beings made in the image of God. Porn destroys the deeply sacred and spiritual experience of loving sexual intercourse with a real partner. You'd never desire for your sister, mother, daughter, or any female you love and cherish to be eye candy for other men. So don't pour fuel or funding on the fire of an entire industry designed to take advantage of and sexually objectify women. Women or any other sexual partners weren't made to be shared around the village. Instead, firm family foundations, stable societies and long lasting legacies are built among committed and meaningful relationships between two individuals who follow the Golden Rule and love each other in the same way they would want to be loved. So I encourage you to share this same message with your children or with others, particularly with your sons, if you have any. Now, there's plenty more I haven't even touched on, but that others have in far more detail, including plenty of peer reviewed research on the deleterious effect effects of porn on the heart, the deleterious effects of a brain on Porn and the deleterious effects of porn on society in general and a quite concerning increase in sexual coercion, sexual aggression and even sexual violence in response to the increasing use of porn. So to dig into all of that, please visit the resources webpage for this chapter which you can find@getindoor.com Chapter 3, where I'll link to websites like Fight the New Drug, you, Brain on Porn, and a really good book called your Brain on Porn, Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction. So in the meantime, before we jump into the last section of this chapter, how about you? Do you use porn? Do you consider how it may be affecting you physically, chemically or emotionally? If so, how do you feel before, during or after? What void are you seeking to fill? All right, well, this is, this is the final section of this chapter on on polyamorous, Polyamory, Porn and sex, chapter three of Endure, which you can find@getindoor.com chapter three. Now, thus far I've shared with you my thoughts on polyamory, open relationships and multiple sexual partners. The root problem with porn, how porn problematically affects your brain and neurotransmitters, the pain porn can cause in relationships, and the nature of just looking versus full blown adultery in general. And in addressing both polyamory and porn, I alluded multiple times to the potential for both to cheapen and bastardize the special sacred, spiritual and reverent nature of true loving sexual intercourse between two committed partners. Now I'm going to explain exactly what I mean by sacred sex. Why I think most couples really don't experience sex and all the glorious pleasure that it can actually be and how you can make your own sex life much, much better. And why is this important? Well, because frankly, sex is a subject we can't ignore. After all, the world is obsessed with sex. From the moment we wake up up to the moment we go to bed, we're constantly bombarded by a culture that seems obsessed with the message that sex is good, sex is free, sex doesn't have consequences, and you should be free to explore as many different avenues of sex as you desire. Furthermore, we're often told that sex can be casual, sex can be no big deal, and you can and should have sex with as many people as you want. In fact, in many cases, the more the better. For those who have decided to save themselves for a marriage partner, this can be quite a conundrum since a common belief is that by the time you get married, you should have some time semblance of sexual experience, know exactly what you Want in bed? Be free to try before you buy, Never be tied down sexually and therefore have already experimented with and honed your sexual chops with a wide variety of partners. This is all accompanied by the mistaken belief that the practice of and desire for sex with multiple partners will somehow magically disappear once you find that right person and settle down with them. After all, unless you have sex before you get married, how do you know if you're even getting a good deal? So not only are we surrounded by this message and generation of young people growing up and wondering how to navigate navigate this entire confusing sexual realm, but we're also bombarded by screens and images that significantly mold our sexual worldview, often especially via porn. Modern media destroys our expectations of what sex could and should be and decimates our understanding of what a healthy relationships with sex should be like. Porn in particular, erects See what I did there? Unrealistic expectations that are not rooted in love and intimacy, but rather in a desire to give rather than than to take, showcasing an unattainable version of sex that often denies the humanity of the other person in our sexual relationship. Sex therefore turns into an exploration of what's in it for me, rather than a golden rule based philosophy of how we can serve the other person. So are you getting the idea that you should care about this topic not only for yourself, but for generations to come? Well, if so, then keep listening. We're going to start with the importance of sacred spiritual sex. I can't say I fully experienced sex the way sex was meant to be until I was probably in my middle, mid-30s. Up until that point, I'd roughly describe my experience with sex as some kind of mutual masturbation with a partner in which we would pretty much vigorously rub both of our bodies together while grunting, groaning and moaning until reaching some kind of mutual orgasmic peak, then perhaps cuddle for a while, clean up and move on. It's only been for the past decade or so, through engaging with my wife and everything from tantric breath work to plant medicine to eye gazing to a deep spiritual bonding through mutual meditation and prayer, that sex is absolutely, absolutely transformed into a deeply spiritual and sacred experience that I'm frankly shocked I was missing out on for so much of my life. So what do I mean when I refer to sex being sacred? Well, the dictionary defines sacred as made or declared holy, dedicated or devoted exclusively to a use, purpose or person worthy of reverence or respect. The root of the word is derived from the Latin word sacra, which means sacred, holy or consecrated and is often used to describe something considered to be highly blessed, revered. The noun singular version of the word sacred is sacrum, which you're no doubt familiar with, is the term used to describe a specific bone of your pelvic regions. But sacrum also translates to a holy thing or place. While we so often, especially in modern logical, rational scientism and religion, separate the sacred and spiritual from the physical and the fleshly, these Latin roots imply something altogether different, as do other ancient belief patterns. For example, tantra, the esoteric traditions of Hinduism and Buddhism that developed in India from the middle of the first millennium onwards, teaches that the seed of the so called kundalini, spiritual energy or life force located at the base of the spine or shakti, spiritual energy of ability, strength, effort, power and capability. Energies originate in the second sacral chakra of the pelvis regions. And particularly when aroused through Tantric like sexual practices, these energies travel up the physical spine to deep spiritual centers housed in the higher energetic crown chakra near the top of the head. Centers that we now know from the study of neuroscience, physically manifest in a host of pleasurable and mind altering neurotransmitters and bonding hormones emitted by anatomical regions of the brain. When you think about it, this makes sense. After all, the culmination of sexual intercourse is the inception of life. It is the very method via which a unique spirit and soul is brought brought forth into the world. To acknowledge that life force and sexual energy originate from the same source definitely makes one think differently about their sacrum and their pelvis, Especially when it comes to the way in which those body parts interact with another human being. In other words, the very fact that sex is capable of bringing forth a new life into the world makes sex incredibly sacred and something to indeed be blessed, revered and treated with deep respect and consideration. In addition, a mutually satisfying sexual exchange that naturally intensifies the strength of a relationship is sacred because of its unique role in bonding two humans together. Sure, sex can take place without bonding, but when sex occurs between humans with two open hearts who are using things like tantric sexual practices like slowing down, awakening each of the senses, tuning into subtle energies via breath and body awareness, releasing judgment and blame, expressing intense gratitude and savoring the present moment in an act of intentional mindfulness, there's a rare intimacy of bonding that cannot be created in any other human interaction I can think of. Sex can bring people together and keep people together in a much more fun and pleasurable way than other bonding activities like, say, natural disasters or war or political turmoil. When speaking of politics. Perhaps this strong bonding power of sex is why sex can act as such a powerful political manipulation tactic. Sex can indeed be highly political and is something that has been used repeatedly in history as a way to advance political agendas and motives. Case in point, a recent Chinese spy Fang Fang sex scandal. The headline of an article which I'll link to on the resources webpage for this chapter is Don't Govern While horny, which of course has been preceded by countless historical instances of so called sexpionage, which is the use of sexual activity, intimacy, romance or seduction to conduct espionage. With many such examples thoroughly highlighted in the book Sex, Power and Politics, exploring the femme fox fatalities, mastery of political throughout history, and even in Bible stories like Samson and Delilah or other biblical femi fatales like Judith, Esther and Jael, all women who use their feminine charms and sex appeal to dispatch an enemy of Israel. One comment left by a reader named Veronica on my website really got me thinking more about how profound the biological and energetic bond is that we experience during sex. Among other observations, she noted, just imagine what our bodies bodies can be subjected to with actual physical sexual interactions. The energies, toxins, hormones, foreign DNA, fluids that are so readily absorbed taking on board our physical body and its energetic fields. It really is a powerful thought when you dwell upon it during sex, you're exchanging with another human being's most intimate of fluids, saliva, urine, skin cells, biome and other biological matter while simultaneously deeply enveloped in that being's heart and brain's electromagnetic field, all while physically dancing and in close coordination with the energies of each of their chakras from sacrum to crown. Based on all this, it's shocking how standard it is, especially in a modern westernized, speed dating, serial divorcing, polyamorous society, for sex to be a casual event appropriate for a random fling or one night stand that's largely disconnected from any emotion of love or commitment. Despite it being near impossible to disconnect the physical and the spiritual aspect aspects of sex, no matter how calloused, one has become something that can be shared in a polyamorous style with a wide variety of lovers absent of devotion or loyalty to any one particular partner, resulting in what I can best describe as a random series of weak bonds versus a single strong bond. Similar to having 5,000 shallow relationships with Facebook friends but no close and deeply appreciated physical friends. An opportunity to create a $90 billion porn industry based around us viewing strangers engage in and largely bastardize via sexual objectification, orgies, bestiality, child abuse and beyond what should instead be a private, blessed, revered, spiritual and sacred act. A quite nonchalant que sera sera approach amongst many married couples that if sex happens, it happens with almost no forethought, calendaring or planning to create intentional and highly meaningful sexual experiences similar to what I discuss in in a podcast episode which I'll link to on the Resources webpage for this chapter with Jamie Wheal about biohacking sex and tantric breathwork and plant medicines for orgasmic enhancement and much more. In other words, most of us could do a better job recognizing sex for the sacred experience that it is and taking sex far more seriously. Not in a sober and boring sort of way, but rather with the same type of mindfulness preparation, education and immersion as we might devote to becoming a concert pianist, a watercolor maestro or a finely tuned athlete. As a matter of fact, in the same way that I think children should be taught from an early age to have an intimate understanding of how to use their breath and prana life force to control their emotions and physiology, I also believe a core part of any human's educational curriculum should include some kind of formal training in how to truly become physically, mentally and spiritually intertwined during the act of lovemaking, including learning and incorporating the type of Tantric practices I'll describe in this section of the chapter. Of course, coming from a Christian background, I've repeatedly witnessed my Bible believing friends shy away from any element of fancy lovemaking or deep immersive sexual experiences with their spouse, often considering a sacred approach to sex to be associated with some type of extreme sexual infatuation of orgiastic pagan ritual origins or an obsession with with fleshly carnal lust infused pursuits. God forbid any good Catholic or Protestant be caught with a Kama Sutra floating about their bedside. This Victorian esque, pessimistic and pragmatic approach to sex is perhaps best illustrated by the words of Queen Victoria when she purportedly instructed the Christian ladies in her realm to simply lie back and think of England. But the great Creator made all things good, including our sacrum, our genitals and sex. Sure, in the same way we can bastardize alcohol, cannabis or any other potential vice, gluttonize on wine, milk and honey, or become addicted and attached to exercise or other pleasurable pursuits. We can certainly make sex sinful, such as via the incorporation of polyamory and porn which I described earlier, but that doesn't mean that recognizing the special sacredness of sex or practicing mindful connected sex with our spouse is a sin. Christianity is generally considered to be a somewhat sexually repressive religion. And furthermore, since Christians are known for being opposed to gay sex, premarital sex, and extramarital sex, it's often assumed by many Christians that erotic sex is bad or shameful or unspeakable in and of itself. But nothing could be further from the truth. For example, I would challenge any Christian who considers sex to be simply a quick way to perhaps conceive a child or make a partner feel briefly satisfied to spend time reading the Song of Solomon, an entire scriptural poem that can be shockingly, sublimely, and sensually sexy, including elements of extravagant lovemaking male and female oral sex Breasts compared to fawns a man's penis as sweet fruit, and his genitalia is a bag of myrrh and a woman's genitalia is a garden of pomegranates that should be eaten with lips and mouths described as honey and milk. From the very beginning, sex was part of the created order. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were naked and were not ashamed. In the Book of Proverbs, the wise father instructs his son to to rejoice in the wife of your youth. A lovely deer, graceful doe, let her breast fill you at all times with delight Be intoxicated always in her love. Hebrews 13:4 says, Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, indicating that sex should not be a cause for shame, but should be honored back to that sacred sakura cherished and enjoyed as a gift from God. Heck, we husbands actually owe sex to our wives. In 1st Corinthians 7:734, the apostle Paul writes, the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. In other words, sex was to be mutual, and husbands actually owed sex to their wife. Well, the wife had the right to claim sex from her husband. The idea that sex within a marriage was to be free, generous, and reciprocal was actually a revolutionary thought in the ancient world world. Perhaps more disruptive to our modern perceptions of sex, it also meant that despite many young men and women being taught that they should only have sex when both partners desire it, this passage of the Bible indicates that in the context of marriage, sex should be gifted to a partner whenever that partner desires it. In addition to encouraging couples to engage in generous and reciprocal sex within a marriage relationship, the Bible also indicates that frequent sexual intercourse is a good thing Paul says, do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control. Based on the idea that if we drink deeply from our own cisterns, we will be less tempted to draw from our neighbors. Well, in Proverbs 5:15 indicates this, as is encouraged in the Old Testament. In the New Testament, frequent sexual intercourse is encouraged as a guard against a wandering eye and a lustful heart. Married couples are encouraged to set aside at most a few days of of mutually agreed upon abstinence to instead focus on prayer or other spiritual practices, but then to come together quickly lest they be tempted to sexual immorality. Next, and contrary to the belief of many Christians I know sex is not just for making babies. Don't get me wrong, children are a blessing from the Lord, and they're certainly an encouragement and blessing in the Bible in multiple locations when it comes to bringing new human life into the world through procreation, such as where it says God's said to them, be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it. But even before God spoke those words in Genesis 2:18, he says, it is not good that the man should be alone. I will make a helper fit for him. And in Genesis 2:24, therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. This indicates sex and partnership between the first male and female were first and foremost about intimate friendship and becoming one flesh. As a matter of fact, the Hebrew term used in this passage implies more than physical union. It means becoming one person. It means union. It means bonding. So sure, sex, when done right, often results in children. But it doesn't need to be done purely or only for the purpose of making children can be for bonding. All of this being said, I must also emphasize that while the Bible supports and celebrates human sexuality, it also makes it very clear that you can be fully and entirely human without sexual intercourse being a big part of your life. After all, Jesus didn't have sex. Neither did the prophets Jeremiah or Elijah or John the Baptist. The Apostle Paul was even asked by early Christians whether abstinence or celibacy were necessary for true spiritual health. And while Paul noted what I've just said, speaking of the need to be sexually generous and reciprocal in a marriage, and the benefits of married couples having sex on a regular basis, he also, in First Corinthians 7:7, says that he has the gift of not having to had to go to the trouble of getting married in the first place. See See. In Paul's view, much work needed to be done before the return of Christ. And since those who are married are obligated to take time for their spouses and tend to their spouse's needs, those who are married cannot be fully committed to being a missionary for Christ. Thus, according to Paul, it is better to remain single. But if you cannot stand the heat and sexual temptations while being committed to a life of abstinence, it's better to marry than to burn. So while sex is indeed fully naturally blessed and reverent and highly important in the of God, it doesn't define our worth as human beings. We're worthy because we were created in the image of God, and whether or not we have sex doesn't define that worth. A person can live a rich, meaningful and honorable life without ever having had sex. Ultimately, in the eyes of God, marriage and sex are good. But so also are singleness and celibacy. If you're a man or woman listening who's not married and doesn't have sex with a husband or wife yet, or perhaps ever in the future, perhaps that simply means that like like the Apostle Paul, God has set you aside to work wonders for his kingdom. And that's nothing to be ashamed or frustrated about. Sex doesn't define you as a human. Now, I do have some tips for sacred spiritual sex. After listening to all this, I'm sure you're wondering exactly what I've meant when I've alluded to things like tantric sex and the heightened meaning, thrill and excitement of being spiritually intertwined with your lover during sacred lovemaking. So I'm going to finish this section with three quick, practical tips and resources for engaging in that kind of sacred spiritual sex. These tips only scratch the surface of the places you can go with sex and for even more, including how to combine many of the tactics I'll describe in a moment with additions like microdoses of plant medicine or psychedelics music, other breathwork styles, and much, much more. Listen to a podcast I recorded with Jamie Wheel on my website. I'll link to that if you go to getindore.com Chapter 3 My first tip for you is to be mindful and aware of your breath, especially during sex. Quality Breathing Even during sex, sex can improve cognition and circulation, focus attention, and provide you with a boost of love making energy. Appropriate breathing tactics can also help you relax, concentrate, and last longer in the bedroom. The lower the nervous system stress you have during sex. Generally, the more connected, exciting and fulfilling sex will be Deep breathing is crucial to remaining calm because it is linked to your parasympathetic nervous system, the reflex responsible for rest and digest response. Shallow breathing, on the other hand hand is more closely associated with the sympathetic nervous system, the reflex responsible for fight and flight response. Irrespective of the type of sex you're having, sex in a relaxed parasympathetic state is much more appealing than getting it on under acute stress. As anyone knows who has tried to duck away for a quickie during a day of work and found themselves unable to get as deeply aroused as, say, in the evening after a glass of wine during sex, try to breathe in deeply and imagine the breath flowing into your genitalia. This will inhibit, enhance pleasure and allow a sexual rhythm to unfold between you and your partner. As pleasure increases and you're both reaching climax or intensity, you can slow your movement down and continue to breathe even deeper. This focus on breath may seem as if it is taking you away from focusing on your partner, but what's actually happening is you're deepening your connection to your partner through breathing, rhythmically aligning your breath and slowing it down, inhaling as your partner inhales and exhaling as your partner exhales. Finally, regarding breath ensure you're breathing through your nose, which brings in more oxygen than breathing through your mouth and can provide you with a natural high from the accumulated nitric oxide that results. It also engages your core and pelvic floor in such a way that can enhance your sexual experience. Now, if you want to dive deeper into the power of nasal breathing, check out Patrick McCown's book the Oxygen Advantage and the podcast I recorded with him, which I'll link to in the Resources page. For this chapter. I also will link to a breath course that that I've gone through, that my twin sons have gone through, and also a breath work and meditation series taught by my friends Christine Hossler and Stefano Sifondos, a couple who came to my house and taught me and my wife some tantric breath work and tantric sex practices, which we discuss in the podcast Breath Work versus Psychedelics, Tantric Sex, Relational Alchemy, Questions that Lead to Love, and Much More with Stefano Sifandos and Christine Hack Masler. I'll link to all that@getindoor.com forward/ Chapter 3 Now Second Embrace During Sex Grunts, groans and Sounds when it comes to this kind of audible lovemaking, you might feel self conscious, but don't it's natural to make all sorts of sounds, particularly in association with intense pleasure. Inhibiting that natural function can retract intimacy. When you're not vulnerable and open. Even with your sounds, your partner can feel that and move with trepidation, opening your voice when feeling pleasure is useful in connecting and deepening intimacy, arousal and sexual exploration. Push your edge here a little and sound, even though you may feel uncomfortable doing so. Third, explore Tantra. Tantric sex revolves around sexual practices that focus on creating a deep, intimate connection with yourself and your partner. During Tantric sex, the aim is to be present in the moment, to achieve a sensual and fulfilling sexual experience. To be in more of a tantric space, you can practice the following. Make sex non linear. It doesn't need to be about direction and orgasm. Explore the body, the mind. Stop, connect, talk, feel, be silent, breathe, go back to intercourse, then finally come back to feeling. Eat during sex or be sensual through sounding and breathing or movement. Explore each other through all of your senses. Make eye contact and gaze into each other's eyes deeply. Take your time absorbing your partner and feel their expression. Slow things down and don't rush. Place your inner focus on your pelvis, then bring it to your heart, your mind, your hand, your thighs and to your partner's body. Be fully present to the environment and to the room. Synchronize your breath. At the same time, you and your partner can breathe in deeply through your noses. Hold for five seconds, then exhale through the mouth. Feel each other's abdomen expanding on the inhale by pressing against one another and then hold and feel the release by paying close attention to it. For males, if you're getting close to orgasm, you can try a form of breathwork in which, as you're about to ejaculate forcefully, exhale all the air through your mouth and engage in automatic deeper, yet passive inhalation through your mouth. It's called Kapalbhati breathing, which helps prolong and lengthen ejaculation in males. This level of self control also transfers to other areas of life, reinforcing discipline and confidence. And there's a book called the Multi Orgasmic Male by Mantak Chia. It's very good for learning this technique. You can also try Yabhyam, which is a position where you practice matching breath and eye gazing. One partner sits with their legs crossed and the other partner sits on their partner's lap, wrapping their legs around their waist. Usually the female sits on the lap. You can rub your genitals against each other, engage in penetrative sex or just sit there in the moment, clothed or unclothed. See, Tantric sex is essentially about being in tune with and fully mindful both your body and the body of your partner. It involves slowing down the moment of peak sexual arousal and instead coming back into the presence of your breath, your body and your partner's breath and body. Tantric sex involves full body orgasmic experiences, multi orgasm orgasmic experiences, and non ejaculatory practices to prolong sexual intimacy based on the premise that if two people can remain in this space long enough, they can experience a profound spiritual connection. For more on Tantric sex, I'll also link to a free PDF called Tantra Sex, Secrecy, Politics and Power in the Study of Religion, which is actually a pretty interesting read and I'll link to that@getindoor.com Chapter 3 so in summary, ultimately sex can be a highly spiritual, sacred and incredibly special experience. But unfortunately, many people never experience sex in this way due to a lack of sexual knowledge and interaction, dilution of spiritual connectedness and sexual relationships by engaging with multiple partners, cheapening and bastardization of the entire sexual experience via immersion in porn, and a belief among some that sex should be plain, unimaginative and just functional. But as you've just discovered, God made sex and declared it good not just for the creation of children, but for satisfaction, bonding and long lasting, fulfilling and meaningful relationships. And as you've already learned, you can defy the cheapened and bastardized version of sex so prevalent in modern culture and modern media by discovering sacred spiritual sex with a committed partner whom you love as you yourself would want to be loved. Finally, to better understand the sacred spiritual nature of sex, I'm going to link to a whole bunch of resources on the Resources webpage for this chapter, including including the book the Enlightened Sex Manual by David Dita Finding God through Sex by David Dita, an article called 11 Steps to Sacred Sex, my podcast with Jamie Wheal about biohacking sex, the entire sex chapter of my book Boundless, and an article I wrote on pairing breath work with sex to enhance the sacredness of sex. In the meantime, how about you? Do you engage in sacred spiritual sex? If so, do you have particular tantric practices or other tactics you use to enhance enhance the sexual intercourse experience? Or are there other ways in which you currently do or plan to in the future make sex more meaningful and sacred? Well, take a few moments now to think about how you currently think of sex, and then if you have the physical or the digital version of this book, you can Leave your thoughts in the note taking section, which I've provided within the book and for resources, references, links, and additional reading and listening material. For this relatively long chapter, you can Visit getindoor.com Chapter 3.