The Leader's Kitbag - The Hidden Trap of Active Listening

Have you ever sat speaking to somebody and seen them nodding their head and saying things like, yep, okay, go on. And at the same time had an overwhelming sense that they really aren't listening to what it is you're saying? Me too. You see things like nodding your head and these small microverbal gestures such as yep, okay, go on are all active listening skills, things that many of us have been taught to do to show that we're listening. But they alone don't prove we're listening. They alone don't help us to actually hear what it is the other person is saying. Those of you in the UK, at least, will have probably seen the Churchill dog nodding along at you, perhaps in the rear windscreen of a car you're following on the motorway. But it doesn't mean the Churchill dog is listening to what you're saying. And that's what we're going to talk about in today's episode of the Leader's Kit Bag, how to dial up your listening skills so other people truly feel heard. A few active listening skills and also one of the big pitfalls of focusing too much on active listening. Hey, I'm Ben Morton. I'm a leadership trainer, executive coach and keynote speaker. And if you or your organization needs help in any of those three areas, then do get in touch, as I'd love to hear from you. You can email me via chat ben morton.com or visit my website ben-morton.com so to today's episode of the Leaders Kit Bag. Active listening is about a lot more than simply nodding our head and these verbal signs of affirmation such as, yep, okay, go on. Active listening really is about what the title suggests. It's about actively listening. Really listening to somebody, making sure we understand their message and helping them feel as though they've been heard isn't a passive act. It's something we need to focus on, commit to and be intentional about. And simply nodding our head and paraphrasing or summarising alone doesn't mean we are hearing what they are saying. So active listening can involve things like using some micro gestures that could be maintaining eye contact with the other person. It could be ensuring our body language is open and a key point here around body language. For some people, sitting with their arms crossed is just a comfortable way of sitting. That doesn't mean the person is necessarily closed or has a closed mind to what other people are saying, but other people might interpret it in that way. So if we want to make the other person feel the feel heard and understood, we do still want to try and maintain generally open body language? As I've said, another micro gesture or way of demonstrating and listening actively is to use some of these verbal and nonverbal affirmations. It could be a nod of the head and words like, okay, go on, even tell me more. Another way we can dial up our listening skills and listen actively is to paraphrase what other people have said. This isn't about repeating it back parrot fashion, it's simply saying, okay, so what I'm hearing is X, Y and Z. The reason that works is the very fact that we are able to paraphrase what we have heard in our own words proves to the other person that we have heard their message. The other thing we can do is to summarise what we've heard or where we're up to. Oftentimes people confuse this with paraphrasing or think it's the same thing. It's not. When we summarize, we can just take a pause, take stock and recap where we are. It could be something. So I'm hearing the challenge you've got is X. This is the impact it's having and why it's affecting you or how it's affecting you and your team. And so far we've explored two potential solutions to this challenge. Is that right? So you see, that's how we can summarise a conversation. The final thing I would say on active listening, which is a little bit of a trap or a pitfall, we can fall into the key if we really want to listen well, to understand for ourselves, help the other person feel heard and understood. It's to focus on the words that the other person is saying and not rehearsing our question or what we're going to say in our head. We really do need to stay present and focused in the conversation and get out of our head. And this really is one of the pitfalls of active listening. Because if we are focusing too heavily on, okay, I need to summarise, I need to nod, I need to make sure my body language is open. If we're focusing on that, our focus then switches to us and what we're doing, not the person we are listening to. That's it for today's episode of the Leader's Kit Bag. As always, I hope you take value from it. Remember, if you need support with leadership training, coaching or you're looking for a speaker at your next conference or event, I'd love to hear from you. Until next time, look after yourself. Look after those you've got the privilege and responsibility to lead. And as always, folks, lead on.