15 Tips to My Younger Self and You!

Whether you're 25, just starting out, or you're 65, a well-seasoned career professional, you probably have learned a great deal— lessons learned, best practices, things to do or not do over the years— that if you had the opportunity, you would go back and tell your younger self. Well, that's what I want to share with you today. I've been asked a lot over the last several months, what is that one tip that I would give my younger self if I had the opportunity? Well, I put together 15 of them, and I thought they could lend themselves possibly to your becoming a powerhouse leader in your career and in your life. Stay with us. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Shedding the Corporate Bitch, the podcast that transforms female corporate executives into powerhouse leaders by showing them how to shed the challenges and overwhelm, along with any fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negativity holding them back. I'm your host, Bernadette Boas of Ball of Fire Coaching, bringing you powerhouse discussions each week to share tips, advice, and sometimes tough love so you create the riches in your work and life you deserve. So a popular question that, uh, seems to be on trend right now when it comes to articles and blog posts and requests to contribute some of my own experiences has been around what I would tell my younger self had I had the opportunity. And I am one— I'll be honest with you, I am one that has no regrets. I wouldn't change anything that's happened to me in the past or what experience I even created for other people in the past. Because they've taught me so much and/or made me the woman that I am today. But there are definitely some experiences, some lessons learned, some tips that I would want others to learn and, and be able to leverage for themselves so they can ensure that they are on the right path and they are doing the things that will make them not only successful, but make them feel fulfilled, make them happy, make them joyful, make them a powerhouse in both their work and life. And so I wanted to walk through the 15 that I at least initially just kind of scribbled out. Kind of the truth sits on the surface is a belief that I have that these are the ones that have had the most profound effect on me. And maybe they will on you as well. All right, so the first one would be get to know who you are and what you want. Oftentimes we don't ask ourselves some really serious, deep questions about who we truly are. Not all the psychographics of, okay, so I'm a woman, I live in Atlanta, I'm 62, I'm an executive coach, podcaster, so forth and so on. Not that. But deep. Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I want? What do I not want? When I take on a client initially, I will send them a coaching profile that I want them to fill out. And it's a number of pages long with a whole slew of questions, things specifically work-related, but then about them as a person. And I'll get kind of responses back. Like just the other day I got one that says, this is huge. And I'll get feedback when I get with them for that first time to start discussing it, that that was one of the hardest things that they ever have done. So my first question is typically, have you ever done it before? Have you asked yourself those type of questions? Do you know who you are, what you want, what you don't want, what you stand for? So if you don't, then that would be the first thing that would lend itself beautifully to your continued growth, advancement, and just overall evolution in life is to really get to know who you are. The next one would be to really ensure that you're asking empowering questions, listening for the input, whether you agree with it or disagree with it, whether it's meaningful or not to you, but listening to the point where you can make those choices and make those decisions to then learn from them or to take from them and take action on them. And both that first tip of getting to know you and also asking, listening, learning also helps you become more self-aware because many of us walk through life for a good part of our lives like I did, and we really aren't self-aware. We're not aware of kind of the experience that we're giving to others and then also the experience that other people are giving to us to the point where we can decide that it's healthy or not healthy, it's acceptable, not acceptable. It's what you want, what you don't want, so forth and so on. So if you can not only get to know who you are and what you want, but ask, listen, and learn regularly at work and at home, then growth is just a natural part of the experience that you will have. The next one would be, number 3 would be, words matter. This was my, one of my biggest lessons learned following, you know, if you know my backstory, following leaving corporate, going out on my own, but more so really trying to learn about myself as to why I was fired and let go from my career of 25 years. I had to kind of spend time with myself internally and externally to understand just exactly why did that just happen. And one of the biggest realizations was how I communicated, the words that I used, in the tone that I used, in the behavior and the gesturing and the posturing that I used, was having a profound effect, positive or negative, on not only those around me, but on myself. What we say to ourselves is so much more damaging than what we say to other people. But unfortunately, because we are having this kind of hard, negative, heavy dialogue with ourselves— we're not good enough, we're not pretty enough, we're not athletic enough, we're not capable enough, we're not ready enough— because we're having those conversations with ourselves and beating ourselves up using words that are just draining us, that's what's being projected out onto the world. And so we're not only doing damage internally, but we're also hurting ourselves both in our home life and our professional life. So really think about the words that you're using. And when I say words, I truly mean a word or a series of words, because the word choice that you make will either have people leaning in and engaging with you or withdrawing or running away and not having anything to do with you. And so words matter. And it's all about communication and communication being, you know, the most profound skill set, not only of a leader, but of just a human being, is, you know, how you communicate in all the various aspects. And I'll touch on that. We just had a conversation about communication and about you even being able to do an assessment for yourself in communication. So if you go back just a couple of episodes from this one, you'll see the episode in regards to how to assess your powerhouse communication. All right. So take a look at— look out for that. The next one would be to be easy on yourself. And this one's a hard one. I'm continuing to learn this one, to be easy, to be graceful to yourself. And basically what I mean by that is, again, we can really be hard on ourselves, beating ourselves up internally with, you know, the words and the thoughts and the beliefs that we have of ourselves, of which then we project out onto others. But we're also projecting them out possibly through whatever we might be addicted to or obsessed with, or just the way that we go about living can be just as hard and damaging on ourselves as much as the thoughts and the words and the beliefs that we hold. So be easy on yourself. Recognize that you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to know it all. You don't have to be constantly striving for the next big thing. Just be easy on yourself to know that where you are right now is exactly where you're meant to be and that you have everything. You have all the skills and the talents and the qualities that you need to pursue and achieve what it is that you want. But if it's more technically specific, you'll just go out and learn it. And you have that capability already. You have that power. Already. So be easy on yourself, men and women, when it comes to just always, just always thinking that you are not good enough or not smart enough or not, not something. So just be easy and graceful. You'll, you'll find the breath, you'll find the space, you'll find the joy that you deserve to have by doing that. All right. So that would be number 4. Number 5 would be fall in love with failure. I'm not fortunate, but my issue in life is not a fear of failure. I definitely have learned from an early stage from my parents and my siblings and the mentors that I've had from grade school all the way through that the mistakes that we make, the failures that we have, the bad things that we do, they're all just lessons that we learn, that we're not failing, we're growing by what I call misstepping. And so fall in love with failure, fall in love with going out and trying something you've never done before, asking for something that you aren't even ready to do. If at work you feel that you'd be great for a position, but you're not even 80% ready, ask for it anyway. All they can do is say no, but they also could say yes. And then yes, there's this gap of 20% that you might need to learn, but that's okay. That's all right. Because to me, if you already know everything and you're not willing to set yourself up to fail, then you're going after the wrong, the wrong goal or the wrong aspiration. You should be going that much higher. We should be going after things that we may not actually achieve, obtain, be good at. So fall in love with failure because that'll open up and give you back what we talked about earlier, give you some breath and some space to try new things, take risks, do things that you're just not comfortable with, and that will lend itself to growth and to success. All right. Number 6 would be, uh, don't care what others think of you. I was extremely— I call it narcissistic, but I was extremely all about me. I was extremely vain. I was extremely self-conscious. I was extremely concerned about every little part of my being and how other people saw me or thought of me, or I wanted to be the person that they envied, that they wanted to be, that they aspired to be. So it just consumed me what other people thought of me. And someone came along, and again, you know, it was following leaving corporate and going through what Shedding the Corporate Bitch is all about, going through my Transformation journey. And someone had sent me a quote, and I believe it's from the Bible, but don't hold me to that. But, and it was surrounding the fact that you'd be surprised how little people think about you. And I sat with that for a bit and I was like, I don't get that. What do you mean I'd be surprised by how little someone thought of me? Because at first I was like, people think about me all the time. 'Even when I'm driving in my sweet little car, you know, people are looking at me. They're envious of me. They wish they were me.' That's what was going on in my head at the time. And then I realized that the truth in that statement is we worry so much about what other people think, and yet they're not spending a minute of it. Now, that's hard to agree with when you then get online and you see all this crap and all this hatred and all this spewing. And those are just insecure individuals who don't like themselves that are then hating on other people so they feel better. So really think about the fact that other people really think very little of you. And very little of you, meaning they don't think a lot about you. They might think a great deal for you or of you, but they're not spending a lot of time sitting around going, "Oh, I wonder what Bernadette's doing. And you know, I wonder, you know, that outfit that she was wearing or that thing that she said or that person that she's hanging out with or the car that she's driving is whatever." They're just not. They have other things to think about and do and whatnot. And if anybody is judging you or hating on you or bullying you, Again, it's their issue. It's not yours. They're the ones that have the issue. They obviously have some things that they need to deal with. Don't take that on. So don't care what other people think of you. Number 7 would be it's okay to let people go. Another big lesson. I learned this having left corporate and kind of transitioning into my entrepreneurial post type of role. I learned that here I was very consumed with my position, power, and prosperity. We'll talk about that in a minute. In the workplace, in the corporate environment, and I was very concerned about keeping my network that I had, even socially, my friends. And yet it wasn't 6 months post-corporate when all of a sudden I lost 95% of the acquaintances and the friends that I had, um, because it was that connection, it was that familiarity that we related to in the corporate world that we no longer had. And so I had to make the decision that, all right, so I have to be okay with letting them go. But the other more profound aspect to this is if you are changing and growing and pursuing your ambitions and goals, and others aren't aligned to it, aren't supporting it, aren't there for you. And regardless of who it is— and for me, it was friends of 30 years, you know, new male, you know, acquaintances that I've just recently met. It was, you know, a circle of friends that I had had for a dozen years. You know, you just have to then decide that your paths are no longer lining up. You know, they're no longer congruent. They're no longer supportive. They're no longer in the same direction. And therefore you have to let them go. And I found myself back— this is roughly 2008. I found myself sitting on my couch maybe 9 months later after leaving corporate and going through some of this transformation process. And I found myself sitting on the couch alone with my dog. Now I'm blessed to have 11 siblings who adore me and love me, and I feel the same for them up in Philadelphia. But predominantly here at home, my social network just evaporated. But yet I was the happiest I'd ever been because I was going in a different direction than they were, and I was changing and growing. Not to say they weren't, but I was changing and growing in a different direction. So I had to decide that I had to just keep going in my direction. And that goes back to also getting to know what you want and what you don't want and who you are. Because I also learned and realized that I no longer wanted what they wanted, what they had, what they were doing, you know, who they were with. And I was okay with that. It was hard, harder than hell, but I was okay with that. And eventually I found my posse. I found my tribe. I found my network that would then stay with me to today. So it's OK to let people go. This kind of goes to the next one, which would be that you are replaceable and forgettable. So especially in corporate, many people think, oh my gosh, I'm the only one who knows this job. I'm the best person at this job. If I were to leave or they were to let me go, they'd be in such trouble and it would take them a long time to replace me and so forth and so on. And I'm here to tell you, it ain't so. It absolutely ain't so. Pardon the grammar. Because you are basically forgotten 5 minutes after you walk out the door. That's the truth. You are forgotten 5 minutes after you walk out the door. You no longer have anything to contribute. And therefore, life goes on. Business moves on. And therefore, everyone moves on. Be okay with that. Be okay with that. Number 9, outwork everyone. My dad kind of taught us— I have 11 siblings, and I have 6 brothers, 5 sisters, if you're new to my world. But my father and my mother, but my father taught us to leave people and places better than you found them. And in doing so, what he was also saying is just outwork, outperform, outdeliver, overdeliver, over and beyond everyone else around you. And that will take care of you. That will get you what you want and where you wanna go. Now, it might not get you there on the timeframe that you had. I've had multiple instances throughout my career where I was told in my early 20s, you're not ready yet. I was then told it's not the right time. I then was told you're not capable, another way of saying you're not ready. And I wasn't happy about any of those. But again, things happen for a reason. And it all worked out just fine. So I go back, though, a lot to what my father said, leave people and places better than you found them.. And I do that in the sense of outworking everyone around me, is really focusing on delivering, adding value, contributing, and doing quality work or play. So that would be my next tip for you, number 9. Number 10 would be that serving others serves you. I talk a lot about this in the Shedding the Corporate Bitch world and in my coaching practice. When I heard this, another biblical quote, when I heard this, I would say a good 10, 15 years ago, again, it left me confused. I was like, I'm not sure what this means. It sounds awfully selfish. Serve others and then they'll serve you. And because that's the mindset that I was in, I was in a very selfish mindset. And then I sat with it probably for a couple of years. I would sit with that and kind of like just let it germinate. And I realized that what it really means is give to others, help others, provide service to others. Stop thinking about yourself, stop being selfish and become selfless and really ensure that you're coaching and developing and contributing and adding value to those around you. And in turn, you'll gain so much from it. And that's the serving you is it's not as if you're going to be given that advancement or you're gonna get that, that money that you want or that reward that you want, or even the acknowledgement. It's more so that you will find fulfillment. You'll find happiness, you'll find joy, you'll find completeness as a result of putting others first. So serve others because it will serve you. Number 11 is one around empowerment in that you can handle so much more than you think you can. And I definitely have learned this in the last 10 years, predominantly in that I've come up against some really challenging and difficult situations, both at work and at home. At work, it was making an investment. Of a large sum of money and losing in the first, like, 6 months of making that investment. From a home perspective, that loss created a major loss in my personal finances. And so then all the ramifications of that. And I would say that being persistent, being determined, believing in myself, knowing, going all the way back to that very first tip about getting to know who you are, what you want, what you don't want, so forth and so on. Asking, listening, learning, serving others to serve you. All of that lent itself to me coming on the, you know, getting to the other side of all of that chaos and being much better and much more happier and more successful than I ever have been. So know and believe in yourself that you are far more powerful. You can handle so much more than you think you can. And just find the resources, find the support, find that network that you need to, you know, help you push through it, whatever that might be. Next one would be, number 12 would be, let it go. And this goes back to a number of things that we've talked about, be easy on yourself, you know, all that negative chatter, talk to yourself, words matter. Letting go also means Stop worrying about 5 minutes from now, tomorrow, next week, because my lesson that I've learned is by consuming myself with things that are out of my control, with things that have not even happened yet, with things that might happen, I've lost my present. I've lost now. But at the same time, I really have worked on, if you're familiar with The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, a lot of it talks about how would you worrying add another hour to your life by worrying. And so if you can really focus on being present and letting go the small stuff and the big stuff, And if you have to, instead of really kind of allowing it to really wreak havoc on yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, work out an action plan, work out a solution to the situation. The small stuff, definitely work on letting go so it doesn't sabotage and take away the moments that you have right now. And then the big stuff, find the solutions. Find the people that can help you. Find the answers. Find the solutions. But just let it go. Because, you know, I don't know about you, but this one life is going really, really fast. And I would say I lost a good huge chunk of it as a result of always holding on to every little worry that I had. It all works out. It all works out. Number 13 would be to really feel and believe that you belong where you are or anywhere you want to be, that you belong there, you fit, uh, no matter what the dynamic might be, because you're there for a reason and you belong there. Now, of course, you can interpret this as ones that have imposter syndrome, that they don't believe that they deserve what they have. But it can come as simple as what I had dealt with for a good 4 decades of my life is, you know, as a kid, being one of 12, as a kid, I thought I was adopted. And because I didn't look, sound anything like my 11 siblings. And I took that on. I took that belief on to where I didn't feel like I fit anywhere. Because if I didn't fit in my family, I'm an outsider. I was the milkman's daughter, the postman's daughter. So I internalized that as, if I don't fit in my family, then where do I fit? And it really took a lot of excavation of my soul, as I call it, to realize that, you know what, I've fit and I have belonged all the time, no matter what the situation might be, whether it was with my family, with my friends, with the group of athletes that I play with, whatever the case might be, I belong. And the only person that can tell me I don't belong is me, but I belong. So you really need to believe that you belong anywhere you want to be and everywhere you are. And if you can internalize that belief and that confidence, even when you're having struggles or a hard time, then all of those troubles and hard times won't be as exasperated as you're, you're making them to be within your own mind. Okay. And then number 4 would be, I mentioned, uh, referenced it earlier, power, position, and prosperity will not bring you happiness. And basically, you know, money won't bring you happiness. Well, my goal throughout my corporate career, but those years, you know, those 20s, 30s, and 40s were all about obtaining power, position, and prosperity. And quite honestly, I was miserable. And so find what is truly going to bring you happiness. And for me, it's friends, it's love, it's kindness, it's fulfillment, it's joy. Those are the things that have so much more value than a title or the size of my office or the size of my house. The car that I drive, the clothes that I'm wearing, those have no meaning at all without having happiness and joy and health and love and friends and family and so forth. All right. So that's number 14. And number 15 is less is best. Less is best. And this also comes with the, the whole power position and prosperity for me. Is when I learned that lesson that I wasn't happy with, you know, the money that I had, the office that I had, the title that I had, all the possessions that I had. As I was learning that, I was then becoming claustrophobic by all of it. It was draining me. It was suffocating me. It was like just pulling me down. And so as I was letting it go, now some of it was forced on me. So losing my job, that wasn't my choice. That was forced on me. But as I was letting things go, as a result, oh my God, I felt so much more freer. I could breathe, I felt lighter, and I was just so much more happy. I was so much happier. And so really consider, regardless of where you are again— 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s— that less is best, that just find those things You can go all the way back to number one, getting to know you and what you want, what you don't want, but find those things that bring you joy and happiness and not just kind of a value of a price tag on a possession that you're not going to be able to take with you. And remember, people think very little. They spend very little time thinking about you and whatever it is that you have possession-wise. So less is definitely best. All right. Should you want to discuss where you're at and how to get to a point of some of these lessons and tips, then feel free to schedule some time with me. Go to coachmebernadette.com/discoverycall and let's have a conversation. Let me help guide you to formulating a plan around addressing one or more of those things. But I have one more thing for you that a first good step. Remember, I say words matter, you know, how you talk to yourself and how you talk to others, asking, listening, and learning, getting to know who you are and what you want. One bonus would be that I have a Powerhouse Communication Assessment that you spend 5 minutes assessing where you are when it comes to your own communication. That has an impact on everyone around you. And then you could put together and formulate a plan for yourself as far as addressing it. And you'll see that some of these lessons or tips that we've discussed today are kind of inserted and are part of communication as a whole. So you can do that and download that free assessment at tiny.cc/communicationassessment. And again, would love to, you know, hear or help you in any way, shape, or form when it comes to taking action on that. All right, I am honored that you are here with us this week, and I'll look forward to having you for another episode of Shedding the Corporate Bitch. Take care, bye.