Are Men Intimidated by Successful Women, with Online Dating Expert, Jenn Burton

Hello and welcome. Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com.

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Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back. 818-572-2910. Good day, good day, good day everyone! How are you on this beautiful Summer. It's now summer day. Yes, I think we're a couple— what, a few days into it? Uh, it was changed over on the 21st. It's summer already, 2017. Where is my life? Got away. Do you ever feel like that? I mean, you just literally, you know, wake up and it's January 1st and you have a bit of a hangover and you blink And the next thing you know, it is July 1st. And you might still have that hangover, by the way. I'm feeling a hangover just simply by the fact that life is going way too fast. And I really, really, really, really needed to slow down because I have a lot to do. We have a lot to do. And one of those things is this program, which I'm very excited about. The topic is close and dear to my heart, and I can't wait to hear what our guest has to say about it because it's been something that— I won't say I've been plagued with, but it's something that certainly has been a part of the conversation, part of the dialogue, part of my dating life, or lack thereof. So I'm very much looking forward to this conversation and just getting down to the bottom of it. And not to say though, you know, just because you get the answers doesn't mean you actually live and feel comfortable and accept, you know, those kind of answers. But Shedding the Bitch, what we all are all about here is pointing out those things that could be holding you back, and those are your belief systems, those are your attitudes, those are your values that may be, just may be, kind of keeping you from really being able to pursue and achieve your goals and your dreams. And in this case, that goal or dream could be a relationship. But before we get to all of that and before we introduce our guest and bring her into the conversation, I just wanted to kind of do a shout out to Summer, do a shout out to all of you. We all tend to also use summer to kind of refocus for multiple reasons. One, it is summer and therefore the short sleeves and the skirts and the bathing suits are coming out. And it's kind of our second New Year's resolution opportunity to set some goals when it comes to our health and our fitness and our appearance that we want to kind of get ready for summer. And you still have time, by the way. I believe you always have time even to the last day of summer. But at the same time, being that it is June 27th, it is also a really great opportunity to reset or to set for the first time your goals and your objectives because you are halfway through the year. So whatever goals you might have set at the beginning of the year, And you still have another 6 months if you are strict to yearly kind of confines or boundaries. And I'm not saying you need to be. Again, every day is an opportunity to reset or set for the first time. But at the same time, it is, it's a good time to sit down. Use this week as you go into your Fourth of July weekend, nice long weekend hopefully. Many of you are taking advantage of that. It's a Tuesday, so you might be able to take some extra time on Monday off. But it is a good time to sit down, pull out those goals, pull out those resolutions, pull out those, you know, dreams, that vision board, whatever the case might be, and take a look to see how you're doing and be honest with yourself. But at the same time, be easy on yourself. If you didn't, if you didn't, set them, you can set them. If you didn't stay accountable to them, get accountable to them. If you, you know, miss them or miss them really hard, then just reassess and readjust. I actually just brought on, so to speak, a new accountability partner, I'll call him, and he's just someone who's very good at connections and relationship building and prospecting and selling and building a business. And as much as many of you know Joan, my 9-year, 10-year— I'll call her just my overall sanity coach. We've built such a relationship that she really keeps me focused on my goals, keeps me focused on my aspirations, but also keeps me off the edge. A lot of times when I just feel like I'm kind of losing it. And yet Michael is someone I've known for many, many years as well, and right now I definitely have some specific business revenue goals. And so he and I spent 15 minutes, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, Monday morning, and we set our goals. We talked about what's going to get us in trouble, you know, and could sabotage our goals, so we face them early on, and then we move on. So this is a great time for you to have that opportunity to do that as well.

And set it.

Say between now and July 1st, you'll sit down, you'll assess, you'll make note, you'll adjust, and you'll really focus on you for the second half of the year if the first half didn't prove out what you expected. All right. So that's a little check-in that I wanted to do with you as we go into this holiday weekend. And please, as much fun as you have, please just also be safe and be careful. This is a hot time. It's a firework dangerous time. And it's a just on the, you know, street, streets, driving, just one of those times. Play it safe. But play hard and have an awesome, awesome time. So happy 4th to everyone. All right, so let's dive into this conversation so we can get as much from our guests as possible. So what we're talking about— love it, love it, love it— are men really intimidated by strong, successful women like you and I? So we're going to discuss the misconceptions of men not wanting strong, successful women. Or maybe you think they can't handle you, or you tell yourself 9,000 other excuses as to, um, why you might not be in a relationship or why you might have a difficult time with your relationships. So 3— some of the things you're going to learn is why men seemingly choose more needy women and what strong, successful 2 types of successful women need in order to date and date successfully? So the sweet spot in communication and setting boundaries and setting aside time— this is my issue— setting aside time to actually date. And what are the 2 types of successful women who are unsuccessful at dating? Walls and way too low of boundaries. I don't know about the walls and maybe boundaries, but I will put my hand up to one of those successful women that don't date successfully. And you know me, I'll throw myself under the bus anytime to make sure you can relate to the conversation we're going to have. All right, we're also going to talk about why relationships are becoming more difficult, about men overall. And we're spending way too much time, ladies, we're spending way too much time worrying about what they're thinking, worrying about what they find attractive, attractive. And actually not even what they find attractive, but we have all kinds of misconceptions in our head about what they find attractive, and therefore we got to get over it. So as we go to break, and then I'll— after break, I'll bring in our guests. I want you to consider your rich question for today. All right, so your rich question all around this topic is: What is your overall belief when it comes to relationships and your role in it. So look at where you might be in life. You know, maybe you consider yourself one of those strong, successful women. Maybe you are single. Maybe you're in a difficult relationship. Whatever the case might be. And what is your belief system about your role in that relationship? And then kind of how you do it, so to speak. And we're going to ask our guests to help you kind of pick through that. So if you're tagging with us, if you're tweeting, Facebooking, Deborah's out there. She'll keep an eye out for you. You can of course always use #ShedTheBitch hashtag. You can also use #SingleWomen hashtag, and then you can also use #Dating. So when we get back, we're going to quickly get into our conversation and introduction to our guest, but in the meantime, go to havehimyourway.com and you'll learn all about her. So we will be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business. Available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors: TSR Consulting, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate size clients. Go to TSRConsulting.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium size businesses. Email deborahparker@parkerhouseservices.com. Deborahparker78@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern Time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back, everyone. All right, I'm excited, I'm excited to introduce you to Jen Burton, who is the creator of havehimyourway.com. She's an online dating expert expert and romantic fairy godmama to smart, successful single women all over the world. And these days, Jen exclusively works with single women who want it all. They want their career success, they want to be loved, adored, and romance. And she can show you how to draw in stable, fun, witty, loving men That you will be insanely attracted to, magic included, no evil stepsisters required. Welcome to the program, Jen.

Thank you, Bernadette. I'm so thrilled to be with you today.

Oh my gosh, I'm so thrilled to have this conversation. Well, first off, before all you, um, committed women out there go diving, you know, off the call, don't. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Because everything that, you know, Jen and I are going to talk about, you might be able to, you know, kind of use and leverage and kind of consider in your own relationship that you're in right now. Wouldn't you say that to be true, Jen? I agree.

I think there are a lot of valuable pieces of information that can be incorporated into every woman's relationship, regardless if she's single or not.

Absolutely, and I'm going to start off with kind of a weird question for you. Oh good, yay! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and that's after everybody goes to havehimyourway.com and follow Jen Burton, @jenrburton on Twitter, and then Have Him Your Way on Facebook. So Jen, let's make sure we set the ground. I might consider myself successful in a way that men may deem successful or not. So when we say, you know, when we talk about men and successful women, what is it? What does it look like and who is she?

Well, typically it's a professional woman today that is, I'm going to say, there's nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mom, but I'm particularly referring to women who decide to dive into the workplace and to build her own career. And her own identity outside of what society used to consider normal for us years ago.

Right, you mean the barefoot apron in the kitchen?

Yes, absolutely. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay.

And so right off the bat, because, and you know, I'll share a little bit if it's applicable, but are men really afraid of strong, successful women, or is it just something we want to use as an excuse because it makes us feel better?

I'm going to start with the fact that yes, they are intimidated by us, but at the same time, they're wildly attracted to us. So the excuse really doesn't hold water because that same intimidation is actually an amazing attraction mechanism, and if we know how to use it to our advantage, it can create the long-term love that we want. But we are using several excuse— go ahead.

No, no, no, go ahead, finish that statement. We're using several excuses.

Yes, we are using this as an excuse along with a lot of other things to block us from having what we want romantically.

Because it's an easy excuse, right? We're busy, we have our career, we have our business. And we don't have time for dating, and we can use it easily as a crutch.

Yes, it's, it's the perfect crutch if you think about it.

Yeah, it is actually, and I've used it very well.

Now you're not alone, Bernadette, you are not alone.

Oh, I know, I know, I know. Now going back to kind of how you said, and I love it, wildly crazy, wildly attractive to women that are strong. Is it a lust type of attraction, or is it that they are actually looking to that type of woman as well from a long-term relationship perspective?

Here's the thing, there's a couple things that long-term relationship and my estimation is based on, and that is A, how, how much fun the two of you can have together, and B, whether or not you mentally stimulate each other. Men tend to be attracted to women who mentally stimulate them. So they might be initially attracted by the visual component, whether, you know, whether or not she— he's completely turned on by her that way. But he knows, like everybody else, that over time our looks start to fade. So if there isn't something upstairs that's going to keep rocking his world, he is going to turn his attention elsewhere.

Right, and you know, I mean, that makes sense for anything, right? I mean, you get bored, you know, it doesn't matter how pretty the package is, you want a new car because you get bored of driving it, or you want a, you know, you want a different vacation because you get bored of going to the same place. Um, you kind of have to—

yeah, exactly. What I like to say is, you know, she can be the superest of the supermodels, but if there's nothing going on upstairs stairs to hold his attention, at some point he's going to bail.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, we, we like to think that that is true, and, you know, and then actually we do know that to be the case. Now let me ask you something. So on the flip side of that though, um, why do they choose who appear to be seemingly needy needy women, and not just go after that strong woman?

He initially will go after the strong woman. What happens a lot of times is he figures out that she hasn't— doesn't have space for him in his life. So women who are seemingly needy have a couple of things going for them. She usually has space for him in her life, plus she shows something that men thrive in, which is appreciation. Unfortunately, we as strong single women tend to, you know, focus, go, go in a very masculine mode when it comes to career, when it comes to a lot of things. And we're not always great at showing our appreciation for the men, for the men around us. And if he lacks that appreciation, especially on a consistent basis, at some point he's going to turn to a place where he does feel appreciated, needed, and wanted.

And that will often— not oftentimes, that will— could be that needier woman who is very good at showing appreciation and nurturing and caring and, and, you know, coddling or whatever it might look like. Yes, yes, she does it naturally.

Not necessarily coddling, but yeah, definitely the other, the other, um, the other words that you were using. But yeah, yeah, and I meant more cuddling as opposed to coddling.

I meant more like cuddling, like huggy Huggy kissy, huggy kissy. Well, because, you know, because I'll be honest with you. One, you know, I grew up in a family that we did— I have 11 brothers and sisters, but my parents were the most loving people, but they weren't necessarily the most physically demonstrative, and even verbally. I mean, we didn't say really, "I love you," to each other until I actually went off to college and my father had had a heart attack. Did I really learn to let my own boundaries and walls down. And kind of make sure that I always told them that I loved them in case something had happened. So I was one of those, you know, career-climbing, ladder-climbing women that always had kind of this shield around her. And then do you see that, you know, because I'm kind of in— well, I'm not kind of, I'm in my mid-50s. Do you still, do you still find those young, up-and-coming, high-potential women who are kind of guarding themselves and really protecting themselves and therefore coming off as if giving attitude and, you know, blowing off men because they're like, oh, I don't need you, I can take care of myself. Is that still kind of a trend?

It is definitely a trend, and eventually that trend converts into desperation at some point because she realizes that she has prioritize everything else and doesn't necessarily understand why the relationship hasn't just kind of happened organically. So she gets to a point that she does start moving into desperate acts and acting in ways that— with a man that she never would have considered years before. But yes, that, that still 100% exists.

Right. And desperation, let's kind of paint that a little bit starker— not starker, a little bit more specifically, only because I think one woman, you know, this is just my experience even with my female friends, because singles attract singles, you know, in their life. I don't hang around with a lot of married, coupled-up couples simply because we don't have a lot in common at some point in time. I'm talking 20s, 30s, 40s, into my 50s. So desperation can look like also, you know, you choose the wrong partner because you're desperate to be married with kids, or you start getting really promiscuous and kind of sloppy with your dating. I mean, paint a picture of desperation, what that looks like, because the men are smelling it and running away from it.

Well, you already started the picture very well, Bernadette. For instance, yes, settling for somebody that you wouldn't normally settle for because you desperately want this idea that you bought into maybe when you were younger and put to the side for quite a while. Then acting— I wouldn't necessarily call it promiscuous because— but I do, because I like to differentiate between the two. So there are women out there who just really enjoy sex, and I have no problem with that. But my problem with women, um, what happens when, when they're having a lot of sex but they're not doing it in integrity with who, whom they are, that's where the problem really occurs, and that's where the desperation starts to come off. You know, women who are empowered and enjoy, you know, enjoy the promiscuity, uh, for lack of a better word, nothing wrong with that. But if it's about you and you're doing it because you're trying to grab on to something, yes, that's when this, this picture just starts to fall apart. You give off the neediness, the desperation, and you essentially keep pushing away the very thing that you want so much.

Right, right. And of course you're learning more about me as a result of this conversation, but, um, I don't care. So it also too is, um, not only are you kind of picking the wrong person and maybe you're going a little bit against your own values, But it's also you're spending time with a lot of people that don't even meet kind of what your criteria or what your values or what your standards are. And therefore, you know, women all of a sudden wake up and they're 35, 40, and they're going, oh wow, right?

Yeah, absolutely. This is actually— I call this type of woman, um, Miss Dater Down. And she's— and I'm, I'm going to clarify it a little bit more. In what I reference it to. But this is something I used to do, is I used to date men— and a lot of women end up doing this, very successful, smart women end up doing this because of the desperation that's going on and the neediness— they'll date men that really don't meet them intellectually, financially, spiritually, and all the different lees. They're just completely not compatible, but they'll end up dating them because they, they need at this point, some kind of connection to what they want in love, and that's— they feel like that's the only thing that's left for them.

Right, right. Now, would that also kind of translate into, uh, let's see, for instance, as a, um, as a young successful established woman, uh, they also might find attractive, uh, men that are— and I, and I don't want to leave you women out there with your female partners out there, so just translate as needed— but, um, you know, wouldn't they, wouldn't they also find that maybe, you know, it's not their fault that they're successful and they have a lot of money, but the guy that they're really attracted to doesn't have that same ambition, doesn't have that same path or desire and yet at the same— as much as they're compatible, there's also this conflict because egos get involved. Does that make sense?

Yes, egos definitely can get involved. Now I will say that there are women out there who are making this relationship work very well, and I used to be very anti that type of relationship. I've come more around because I've seen a lot more successful ones of women who've been able to negotiate that dynamic where they can still feel like a woman and a man can still feel like a man in that context. But I have to say, it's, um, it's not as prevalent as, uh, as, um, it's not as prevalent as maybe we think it is. A lot of women that come to me have already done this dynamic with a man and it's not working out for them. So they, they're more ready for somebody that meets them on the same— close to their same financial energy, ambitious energy, all those things. They want somebody that's going to be there with them to take on the world.

Right, right, right, right. But I am kind of surprised that— would you see that with the number of— because women outnumber men in graduating from college, in certain areas of degrees and specialties, and therefore women are certainly going to start taking over kind of the C-suite, so to speak. And so there will be a lot— I would expect there will be a lot more, I'll call them stay-at-home dads, you know, who is the main parent in the mix. Is that not something that you're seeing or that you're expecting? Maybe I'm just making it up.

I definitely— no, you are not making it up. It's definitely happening. I think that when it's negotiated right and it works for both parties, it's a great thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with it whatsoever. Again, I used to feel a little bit differently, but I think, you know, as I've seen it work more and more, it can be a great scenario, but it also has to be a scenario a woman is willing to embark on and a situation and journey she wants to do with a man. At this point, let's say, for instance, getting real, I wouldn't mind if my husband did it. Not that he's going to, but I wouldn't mind.

You're right, right.

I— but if you would have asked me this 10 years ago when we first started dating, no, there was no way. I was—

I was—

I wanted him to have his thing, and I was really great with that. And that way, you know, we came home, we had our different lives that we led, and then we could come together and have an amazing time together. But I, I do see that it's happening more and more, and you're right about the numbers. You know, more women are doing it. We are really stepping up more, uh, we're stepping up more, you know, as empowered women, as capable women, career women. So yes, that's— that is going to happen. Plus, you know, men are actually very good caretakers. Yeah, they can be when they want to be, and they're committed to it. They're very good, right? I mean, they, they actually, in some ways— and I don't want to pick any women off, but I think sometimes they surpass us.

Right, right. Well, I mean, there's nothing wrong with saying that because I certainly— I have 6 brothers, so I, you know, I consider my family a focus group for basically anything.

So I think— perfect, I love that.

So I have, so I have 6 brothers, 5 of which are parents, so 5 of which are married and have kids. And I will say that— I won't say all of them, I won't throw all of them in there, but I would say 5 out of 6 of them are extremely good parents, and then I would say the other one just has a traditional, you know, family dynamic, but the others, you know, have a very kind of current contemporary relationship with their spouse and their family dynamic. Now I do want to ask you about something that you used the words a couple of times. You mentioned a couple times about It all depends upon how, you know, one negotiates it. So how does a couple coming together, you know, single and/or even, you know, currently married, but how— what do you mean when you have used the word multiple times about it all depends upon how they've negotiated? What does that look like?

Well, it looks very different in each scenario. So If we're referring specifically, are we referring to— do you want to use the example of negotiating male and female roles?

Yeah, even from a single perspective, like you're coming together, even you're getting to know each other, and you know, you talk about setting boundaries and whatnot. What does that negotiation or that dance look like?

Okay, so during dating, which is my favorite place to talk about, by the way, so during dating, It's about doing things differently than we've traditionally been doing them. It's actually incorporating some of our old world traditions, uh-huh, you know, of courting and wooing, but not with the, you know, the strict representation of it. And letting women— women still seem to, regardless of their— how smart and educated they are, regardless of how, you know, great they say their boundaries are and all of that good stuff, they still kind of fall apart when it comes to having good boundaries, knowing how to communicate with men in a way that really works. We're over-communicating a lot, over-explaining a lot. We're not being very playful. Plus, we're accepting whatever his pace is, his dating pace is, versus our own dating pace, and just kind of, uh, being a follower versus You know, saying, "Hey, I want to do this a little differently, have more fun with it, do it more on my terms." And when you do that, and men start stepping up to the plate for you, and you— and I also teach something, Bernadette, that's called "manta ray dating." So I'm not one, a big proponent of, "Oh, you meet a guy and then you focus all of your attention on him and just hope and pray that he turns out to be your boyfriend." I'm a big proponent of women saying, "I'm going to explore." I'm going to explore my options while dating, and if this— whoever the man that really steps up to the plate, and you know, we have— we reciprocate our feelings towards each other, and if he's really stepped up to the plate for me, then I'll choose you as my boyfriend instead of putting all of your eggs in his basket and just hoping and praying he asks you to be exclusive.

Right. And what did you call it?

Mantourage dating.

Mantourage. Okay, M-A-N-T-O-U-R-A-G-E. And basically you're saying get a lot of men in your entourage and date them, and then whoever kind of bubbles up to the top, you know, then begin to focus there, if that's your intent.

Yes, you kind of— you give— explore your opportunities in men. And I wouldn't say a lot of men because I don't want to overwhelm women with this concept when they first when they first started. It's, it's about quality men. It's about, let's say, 2 to 4, maybe even 5 if you're feeling ambitious, you know, talking to these different men, learning about different pieces of yourself romantically, and showing up different in dating than you ever have before. This concept alone changed my life, and it literally led me to the love of my life. When I thought that I was just a complete hot mess in romance and that there was really no hope for me whatsoever.

Well, was it really— so let me just kind of call you out on that in regards to, was it really the approach of dating multiple, mantourage dating, or was it just that you developed a kind of a confidence and a certainty about what it is that you want and what you don't want, and the fact that you were now willing to stand up for yourself and pace the relationship and the dating at your pace versus someone else's pace. It doesn't— it really comes down to that more so that you have a system. Now, I love the fact that you have this, you know, a program of Mantourage Dating, but doesn't it really come down to, for a woman, just knowing what they want and having that confidence to stand strong in who they are and not— and, you know, kind of navigating it and leading it themselves?

I appreciate that question. I appreciate you calling me out on that, but I'm going to actually— I'm going to— my final answer, yes, it was the entourage dating. And this is why, Bernadette, if I turn that back to you, the question you need to ask— that we need to ask, not just you, but we need to ask as women— is how willing are you, or able to hold your boundaries, to have fun, to not lose your crap completely when, um, exploring the, exploring the dating realm. So let's say you are just dating one person. But I'm sorry, I love this question, Bernadette, so thank you for asking me this. This is so much fun. Um, let's say you're dating this one person. And you're dating him for several months. Well, he— we all come, especially as we get older, we're not perfect people. We come, we have our baggage, we have our kinks, we have our things going up, going on. So let's say he just— he last year, he got out of a long-term relationship that his— not that he was a perfect angel by any means, but there was a lot of back and forth between the two of them, and she was not a very nice woman with him. Maybe even, we'll say, even verbally abusive in ways. And he's not ready to jump yet into a relationship. Well, if I'm having a great time with him, that's fantastic, but if he's taking his dear sweet time, at some point that's going to really rub me the wrong way, 'cause I'm like, I'm having a certain anticipation, or a certain expectation, of how this timeline is supposed to happen. And then at some point, I start resenting him. When I start resenting him, I become bitter. And I— when I become bitter and resentful, there, I've lost my sexual appeal at that point. Okay, so then I start taking jabs at him, things start to fall apart, and eventually he's like, wow, this is, uh, my first wife 2.0.

You're reading my life. Why? Why are you reading my life, Jen?

Because I love this.

You're right. So, so, yeah, you're right.

You are actually correct. I will stand by my mentorage dating method. Absolutely. Mentorage dating gives you the ability to maintain all of those good boundaries because now you have opportunity to divert your attention and to truly explore what you are being given in life. Instead of putting all of your expectations on him and making him responsible for your happiness, you are instead saying, you know what, I do want to get married, remarried, have kids. I want to have amazing, crazy relationships. And if you aren't that guy right now, that's okay, that's fine. You're giving him space to work his kinks out, but you're saying, "I'm still inviting the opportunity from elsewhere." Now, what happens with that is men are naturally competitive. So he, even if you don't tell him, in which I don't want you to go, "Hey, by the way, I'm dating, you know, 5 other guys, just so you know." Right. He might inquire about it, in which there are ways to handle that in a very appropriate way, but the— he's going to naturally feel that off of you, that you're a wanted, desired woman.

A woman—

and men are naturally competitive. So if he's meant to be in your— to be your man, your forever guy, he's going to keep stepping up. Now I will tell you something, a little secret. My husband, he used to disappear for 5 weeks at a time. So had I not been mentoraj dating, and had I put all of my intentions and expectations and all my eggs in his basket, I would have been screwed, Bernadette, seriously screwed, because it's—

And not physically. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Not as often as I would have liked. So, but yeah, it would have been extremely difficult to maintain that for the months that we were together. Now instead, what ended up happening was I gave him the space to work out his kinks instead of punishing him for it. I had an amazing time with the guys in my entourage. And I kept dating, and eventually he kept stepping up more and more until, you know, we were together. And it happened a lot faster than it typically happens with women who are struggling to get into that, that long-term relationship, right?

Sweet. All right, guys, girls, ladies, gentlemen, all of you, go to Have Him Your Way. And check out all the information about Jen. And because you do need a romantic fairy godmother in your corner, and that's who she is. And, uh, be sure to be following her. Uh, her Twitter handle is Jen R. Burton, and then her Facebook handle is Have Him Your Way. So when we get back, we're going to take a quick break. When we get back, I really want to dive into as well kind of what's going on in men's heads and what are they telling you, not telling you, and all kinds of good stuff. So we're going to take a quick break and we will be right back with Jen Burton.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, the opportunities in life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, TSR Consulting, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to TSRConsulting.com to learn more. And Parker House for Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker78@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everybody, we are having a blast talking to Jen Burton, the creator of Have Him Your Way .com. She's an online dating expert, loves talking about dating, and she's a romantic fairy godmama to smart, successful single women all over the world. So we're talking to her about men and what they think and what they don't think and what they say and don't say and all that kind of lovely stuff. So Jen, the question that I have— I have a bunch, but you know, the question that I had is— so that's why I'm 55 and single still, no kidding— is do men, you know, they, they're kind of, uh, put in the position of they're the strong ones, they're the ones, the caretakers, and they're the ones who are going to step up and, and grab their woman and be the, um, uh, kind of the, uh, what am I trying to say, the Atlas, uh, so to speak. In making sure he gets his woman. And yet I find a lot of successful, strong women deal with men that really never tell them how they feel. They don't even pursue them as far as a dating, you know, from a dating perspective. So is it true that men will just be as insecure and shy and, and avoid kind of that rejection, or if they want something, they get it no matter what?

That's a great question, and you are— both of those answers are correct. So what I have seen time and time again is that especially when women step into the role of what I call being an adored woman, she is going to encounter more guys that are intimidated by her and really nervous about approaching her than she ever has. But Yes, genuinely, they will keep trying to find a way. We have to be a little bit more open to how it might happen. Because here is, here is the truth. Men are still considered, for the most part, the ones to do, the ones that are supposed to do the approaching.

Right?

Mm-hmm. And we— Yeah. Okay. Now, I do, I do concede that with our younger women, and early 20s, late teens and stuff, they're embracing more of I can approach whomever I want kind of thing, right?

Right.

But if once you start getting into, uh, early 30s, 35, 40s, 50s and up, they— we still generally want to be approached versus do the approaching. Okay, yeah, here's the thing, okay, men face a tremendous amount of rejection, a tremendous amount. And women are awful about being— about doing the rejecting, because they're so uncomfortable with being approached in the first place, especially if it's by a man that they would never consider, that they have— they don't do it in a very considerate way. Now, I'm not talking about over-coddling or anything like that, but they're just— they're not very nice about it. They— I'm one of the— when I first started this, One of the women, it just, it blew my mind what happened. I didn't realize that women did this so frequently. But we were out and we had stepped outside, and this was back in the days when I used to smoke. Well, she asked a man for a cigarette, and he literally stopped there, and he got, he was mesmerized by her beauty. And I was starting to recognize those pieces of what men do, and he was just, he just stopped and froze because he was caught. Right there, mesmerized by her beauty. And he's like, "No, I'm sorry." He was really sweet about it. She goes, "Just move on. You're useless." And I— yeah, I almost had a heart attack right there. Anyways, I took her side that night and started talking to her about this. And she has been one— she ended up being one of my favorite clients ever. But that happens more frequently than than we really think it happens. And women are not very nice when it comes to dismissing men. So something as simple as saying, you know, I'm really flattered but no thank you, goes, goes a very long way. But yeah, men are nervous about— especially, especially the really good ones, they're just scared of rejection as we are, if not more so, because they have a higher rate of it happening.

Right, right. Well, so, okay, so we now have an idea of the men and definitely an idea of professional women, what can they do better, the women, what can professional women do, you know, do differently in order to get better results when it comes to their dating life?

The first thing I always suggest is that they need to open up their options. Now what might come in actually before that, since we're talking specifically about professional women, especially if we're talking about high-functioning professional women at a high level, is they really need to consider the time they take. To date. So we always say, especially when we hit certain levels, or women in general are doing it these days, we're just so busy. I don't have time for this, I don't have time for that. But the truth is, is that when we meet somebody we like, everything else goes out the door. So we're texting them till 2 o'clock in the morning, we'll make date after date, you know, anytime he wants to see us, we're readily available, we're there and ready to go. So it's a lot of— Crap that's coming out of our mouths, and we need to stop that. That's the first thing, okay? You know that you prioritize the things that you value, and when you really like somebody, you, you value the opportunity to be with them, and you will clear everything else out. So yes, you need to make time to, to date, okay? This then, then moving back to the first one I mentioned was open up your options. Give yourself some real talent and in your entourage. And I'll have women who come to me and they're like, I really like this guy, but I did— just because you told me to, I started dating these other guys. But these other guys don't— they're not real competition whatsoever. And I'm not trying to say I'm trying to get you to get guys to compete against each other. That's not what I'm saying, right? I'm saying that you need the opportunity to have different men to select from. But you know, it's not a real opportunity if you only really like this one and the other ones never would have a chance anyway. So getting, you know, 2 to 3 guys that have an opportunity to really get to know you and that meet you on that intellectual level, level most importantly, and then all those other levels well as well, and give them the opportunity. The next thing which I find women in general— and I'm not— I don't want to tear women down because I, I think we're amazing, I think we're brilliant, but I think we really suck at communication with men. We over-explain the crap out of things and we're having to do all these feelings training and all this and thinking that it's really hitting men the way that we want it to and it's not. We can learn to speak in a way with men that really shortens that communication cycle. It lands with men better and then it establishes trust. And then all of a sudden men, as they trust you more in your communication style, they want to know more from you. Hear more from you, know your feelings, understand what is going on with you, and develop a genuine interest in everything that is coming out of your mouth.

Okay.

So what I want to make sure that we get clear here for everybody, because I absolutely love that, is I— and, you know, you are going to correct me if I am wrong, Jen. So what Jen is not saying is that you change who you are and you become inauthentic— unauthentic— non-authentic. To who you are in order to appease that man. But what she is saying, right, what she is saying is this is the kind of the men that are from, um, or yeah, men are from Mars and women are from Venus, in that we all, we have different psychologies, physiologies, biologies. We have different communication styles. And all we just need to do is, even if you are a professional woman, you probably know of the DISC or any of those other kind of assessment tools. And they even point out that, you know, there's different types of communication styles and management styles of which then you as a manager/leader need to know how to adapt to those different styles if you want to be successful. So what, Jen, you're saying from what I'm hearing is you don't want them to sacrifice who they are and all of a sudden put on this fake, um, a fake persona in order to appease an attractive man. You're just basically saying is understand he communicates differently than you do, and if you want to be successful in that communication, you just need to adapt how that— how you communicate in order for both of you to be in a good place together, right?

Yes, and adding a playful component to that communication is huge for men. It's very, very attractive to men. Plus, it'll be a lot more fun for you. And women are like, I can't be playful. Oh yes, you can. You are— Bernadette and I are having playful, fun conversation here at times, and when we're interjecting things and we're laughing and, and having a good time, you can do that with a man. Absolutely. You don't have to be on the straight and narrow all the time. Relax, let your hair down, it will be fine.

Yeah.

And I—

well, and I will have to say, because I'll tell you, Jen, um, if you had come across me 12 years ago, not quite 10 years, but 12 years ago, um, you would have met a completely 360-degree different woman than you're meeting today. And I had a very— I had a tough time, very— oh, I was very guarded, I was very, um, hard, very rigid, very serious. Um, I would not have— my conversations with men were very, um, almost, um, business. They were very businesslike. They weren't playful. They weren't, you know, letting the hair down, God forbid. They, you know, so I also think that I love your advice because I think it's so true that you're, you know, the whole dynamic between a man and a woman changes when everybody just lightens up. And at the same time though, you know, to your point, and you, you know, ladies out there, you might need a Jen Burton to be helping you If you do have, you know, kind of issues letting your hair down, there's nothing wrong to say that and then acknowledge that and then go seek help, like, again, in order to, you know, kind of work on that. Because I worked on it for a long time. I just had to learn as I was kind of doing my shedding of the bitch, I had to learn how to just, like, open up and let my giddiness out and let my, you know, silliness out. And whatnot, and it does change immediately the dynamic between any two people, but especially between a man and a woman. So I love that. All right, so what do you do for your clients? How do you do it? And kind of what does that look like for anyone listening?

What I do for my clients is I help take them and reformat dating so that they can turn it into an experience that they really truly enjoy and explore different pieces of their romantic self. What I have learned over the years, Bernadette, is that romance and love is actually— we, we're the, the power behind romance and love. We as women are. But as we're working in a more masculine capacity, or what's been traditionally masculine— I don't want to define it completely as masculine, but what's been considered traditionally masculine in the workplace, in careers, we're going after things, our ambitions growing, and it's wonderful, but at the same time we're losing a very kind of feminine piece of us where we receive and are able to be adored and cherished and desired, and we're pushing that away as if it's something, something really, really bad to have in your life. I help women kind of incorporate that piece back in them, but at the same time not lose this other piece that they have cultivated and grown. What I find when this happens, women, women start to naturally draw men in more, and these men tend to stay around longer because not only does she have good boundaries, she is fun to be around, which is one of the most important components of long-term chemistry. But she is somebody that he admires and respects, and he feels the same from her, and it becomes very mutual, and she's very hard to resist and impossible to forget. And I do this with not only the courses, the digital courses that I offer, but through a group coaching program, my signature program that starts again on September 5th called The Courage Kit.

Ah, nice!

The Courage Kit.

Can they find that at, um, at, uh, where am I, where am I, havehimyourway.com?

Yes, and they also can go directly to thecouragekit.com and get on the waitlist for that as well.

So wait, the waitlist, that means it's really popular, everyone. And, and, uh, tell me what your cheat sheet is for how to get him back. What is that cheat cheat sheet that you have?

My How to Get Him Back cheat sheet. This is for my women who are going through either a breakup right now and it's— and they want to get back with, with that particular man, or maybe it's a man that they were dating and he stopped paying attention to her. But I'm going to run you through the 7 steps that it takes to draw a man back in your life, and I'm also going to help you decide whether, whether or not this man is worth your romantic time or not. Because the truth is, is that just because you want him back doesn't mean you should get him back. He might actually not be the best option for you. So I explain that different dynamic of, you know, how we get our panties in a wad when, you know, why we get our panties in a wad when a guy all of a sudden stops paying attention to us, what's really going through our heads and then, and our our spirit, and our emotional state. So you can make the best decision for you because that's what it's all about. It's not just about what men want. It's about what we want and how we can turn this dynamic around to be strong, successful women, to be authentic and have the things that we want in our lives and not have to compromise that just to have love in our lives. Because we don't need love. At this point. We don't need men, we want them. They're really exactly lovely to have around, but we don't actually physically have to have them, right?

Right. Yeah, I don't know if anybody watched Superwoman out there. The, um, Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman. I saw Wonder Woman the other day.

I did.

Yeah, and it opens up with her explaining to Chris Pine's character that, you know, physiologically and physically and physiologically, I don't need you. I can take, you know, other than from procreation perspective, women don't need men. I was like, yeah, it was hysterical. Anyway, all right, so I want everyone—

the truth is we want them.

Yes, we do, we do want them. Um, so everyone, havehimyourway.com. If you want to reach out to Jen again, you can go to Twitter and Facebook. Facebook is Have Him Your Way. Twitter is @jenrburton. I'll be sharing tips and tricks and everything else of her, uh, for the balance of the week, so you can always hook into her there as well. You can email her at info@havehimyourway.com. But I do want you to go to How to Get Him Back cheat sheet. Should you be in a situation where you need some help, you can do that.

And I also—

I'm sorry, you're gonna have to say it because I can't find it on your sheet— with the Courage site. What was the Courage site again?

Thecouragekit.com.

The couragekit.com. Need to write that down, Deborah, if you're listening. Uh, thecouragekit.com. And we're going to put all this on Facebook and Twitter, Shed the Bitch, and make sure that you, uh, tap into Jen because again, we all need romantic fairy godmothers in our lives, and Jen Burton is, is here to be yours. Should you choose to. Jen, thank you so much for being part of the show. This has been so much fun.

Thank you, Bernadette, so much for having me. I had a great time as well.

You're very welcome. And everybody, havehimyourway.com. The minute you see her photo and her site, and you're going to just immediately feel a connection, uh, to her. Let her be your fairy godmother from a romantic perspective. And she'll get you on the right track. So lastly, let's see, what do we have going on? Oh my gosh, it is July. Have a wonderful Fourth of July. We have Ask Bernadette next Tuesday at noon Eastern time, so be sure to post your questions, stories, or challenges, anything that you have around your career, your business, or your life, and I will be sure to bring them right here on Chet in the Biz Radio next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. To drill into them even further. If I see anything out there for our guests, past or Jen Burton of today, I will be sure to also get your questions for your challenge to them, and they can follow up with you as well. All right, everybody? So I do want to wish everyone a very safe and fun and celebratory Fourth of July weekend. Have a blast, and I will talk with you. Even though it's Fourth of July, we'll be here live next Tuesday. At least I will be. Deborah might be with her family, which she should be, but, um, I will be here live with you next Tuesday at noon Eastern time right here on Shedding the Bitch Radio. Have a fabulous day, everybody.

Bye.

Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.