Ask Bernadette Anything.....

Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch or share your stories on our website at SettingtheBitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back.

818-572-2910. Good day, good day, good day everyone! Happy February 4th! Can you believe it? And the groundhog, did he see his shadow or he didn't see his shadow? But all I know is it's going to be spring early. That's all I care about. And it felt like spring this past weekend here in Atlanta. It was gorgeous, mid-60s. It was fabulous. But I hope you're doing fabulous wherever you might be around the world. I so appreciate you being here on this Ask Bernadette episode. Where we actually take your questions, stories, and challenges that you might post to Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, ShaggingTheBitch.com, and we bring them right here onto the program and dive into them as deeply as we can. And sometimes I go very deep to where we butt up right against the hour. But we, you know, we work on giving you tips, advice, sometimes tough love, that you could be using immediately, uh, to help you create riches in your life. Uh, so that's what we'll talk about today, and I'll mention the, uh, the questions that we'll be dealing with in a minute. I need to do a shout out, being that it is February 4th, to my absolutely beautiful, beautiful, beautiful sister Annemarie. She turned 60 today. Don't tell anybody. She turned 60 today. I can't Friggin' believe it. Now she is, as many of you know who have, uh, who know me and listen to the program, I have 11 siblings. She's the 6th, um, from the top. She's the 4th girl. She's older than me, uh, but she's an absolute, just absolute sweetheart and just is living life large with, uh Her husband and her kids, her kids are grown, so now she's an empty nester with her husband, but she has a house down in South Florida, or Florida, she has a house in Rehoboth, Delaware. Life is treating her well, and I know she'll be dancing up a storm this evening at one of the many complexes in the Villages of Florida. So I just want to say I love you to death, Ann Marie. Happy, happy birthday. Wish I was there to give you a big hug and kiss. But I'll be seeing you soon. So that's a shout out there. And let's see what else. We've had some great past shows that you might want to download and listen to. You can do that on blogtalkradio.com, shedthebitch.com, Apple Podcasts. You can certainly be downloading them there as well. Last week we talked to the Power of Habits. And how habits serve toward you pursuing and achieving your goals. Before that, we've talked about time management hacks. Actually, it was more around attention and priorities than time management. It included time management, but we talked about how what's more important is your attention and your priority given to anything that you need to work on, and that will help you not be so overwhelmed. We've had a conversation around my Shift to Riches formula that can help you toward your success and went through the 5 steps that you can use each and every day to kind of combat the bitches and the riches that you have in your life. So when you know something's, you know, going awry, you need to kind of tap into what might be creating that and, you know, working through to discover, confront, and shed it so that you create and accelerate riches in your life. So we walked through that and kind of gave you some tools and tips as to how to use that in each and every day of our life. And then we kicked off January, which, you know, it's unbelievable that we're one month in, one month down in 2020. And we are— as part of that episode, Talked about assessing your business, giving you tips and steps in regards to that so it feeds into your plans for 2020. How to podcast. I get this question a lot now, especially, you know, I consider, and I call this Shannon Levitt's Radio, but it is streamed as a podcast as well. So there's this nuance now between radio and podcasting, and, you know, a lot of people are getting into the podcasting world because get yourself a microphone and you can do that. But more importantly, you know, what is it you want to talk about? Why is it you want to talk about it? Those kind of things. So you can hear a lot of great detail around that. And then we also talked about the number one most awkward interviewing question that you might receive. But you might also get it from a stranger out in the world, a date, whatever the case might be. You'll have to listen to the program that was back in the first week of January in order to find out what is that number one most awkward interview question. And again, you can download any of these programs plus the multitude of episodes and guest episodes that we've had over the last several years, and you can do that at blogtalkradio.com, sheddingthebitch.com, and Apple Podcasts. Now today, like I mentioned, it is our Ask Bernadette episode. Now if you happen to be listening to this live, maybe you jump in, you know, somewhere after it even started, you can still reach out and get your question asked and answered. You can do that by calling 1-818-572-2910. You can do that by going onto blogtalkradio.com/ask. Www.youtube.com/sheddingthebitchradio, find this particular episode for today, scroll down, and you'll see a chat room. And I am watching the chat room as we speak, and of course, Debra of Parker House Virtual Services is also out there manning your tweets and your Facebook comments. So you can also put them out on our Facebook and Twitter pages. All right, so don't hesitate to reach out. But again, you can do it anytime during the month, you know, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, send me an email at BernadetteBoas@sheddingthebitch.com, and I will respond to you immediately. I actually got one first thing this morning. I may talk about it if we have time, but at the same time, it was a kind of a last-minute phone call that I received, so we might not get to it. Feel free to do that, and I will get you some tips and advice right away. But then we'll kind of package them up and bring them here onto the program. And you have an opportunity to jump on and say, "Hey, Bernadette, I want to talk to you about it one-on-one or with our audience." And it's great to— and you don't need to share your name. But it's great to allow other people to hear what it is that you are questioning or you are being challenged with so they can learn from it too. And therefore, whether you are asking a life question, a career question, maybe you own your own business, whatever the case might be, don't, like, tune us out because that question you think doesn't relate to you. You might find that you can still use the tips and pieces of advice in some aspect of your life. Of your life or your work. All right? So today we're going to be answering questions that were related to finding qualified candidates and keeping them. Actually, this has come up in a couple of calls that I've received and discussions with some HR managers. That's an area that I focus on, so it just so happens that this past several weeks I've been talking to a number of them. And so it was kind of one of their top questions. I also had a young woman who has been in a relationship, so she wants to figure out if the man she's with is it. And we'll dive into that a little deeper. And then I had someone ask me— I thought the person was reading my mind— asked me about how to quiet the noise inside my head. Is her question to me, and I totally get that. I totally get that. So we'll dive into all of those things. If you are out on Twitter or Facebook at any point in time listening to live, or if you've downloaded and taken us with you, always hashtag with us #AskBernadette for this particular episode. You can use #AskMeAnything or our usual hashtag #ShedTheBitch. And we'll also kind of respond and follow that stream of thought as well. All right, before we dive into all this, we're going to take a quick break, and then when we get back, we're going to be talking about finding qualified candidates and keeping them, how to go about that, whether you have a small business or a corporate business. We'll be right back.

Shedding the Bits Radio is available for download anytime on Apple Podcasts, sheddingthebits.com and lawtalkradio.com. Be sure to subscribe to the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. I want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate size clients. Go to ngtaxsolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses, including mine. Email deborah@deborahparker.va@gmail.com. Would you like to reach our audience as a sponsor or advertiser? Email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Now let's get back to the show.

I do not know why I'm going to say this even with all of you listening. I don't know why our recording does that. I was just kind of texting Deborah about it. Anyway, just needed to get that off my chest. All right. We are diving into these questions. So the first one is, I am an HR leader for a medium-sized company. We have about 210 employees, and I'm finding it impossible to find quality candidates And when I do, they bounce off to the opportunity. Hmm. What are we doing wrong? Now, I found this question kind of very interesting because it actually is loaded with a lot of different things you can eye-read into things. And if you know me at all, you know that words matter to me, and I pick at things because when I hear certain things, forget about the grammar or anything like that, but I can sense there's something more to it than just the blanket question that's being asked. So this individual, 210 employees, decent-sized company, they're not finding quality candidates, and when they do, they bounce off. First time I've heard that phrase, which I'm assuming just leave for, leave for another job or another opportunity. And then she basically sums it up by saying, what are we doing wrong? And one, I want to applaud her recognition that it could be their responsibility, the company responsibility. It's not the candidate's, but more so there might be something broken within the process. And that's an important thing to, kind of acknowledge and confess to, so to speak. Because a lot of times I talk to hiring managers or HR leaders, and they put it all on kind of the applicant. The applicant's not prepared, they're not qualified, they're not skilled, I can't believe they even applied for this job, and apparently even their resume shows that they're not— you know, it's always— and then when I ultimately will ask, well, how is your your hiring rate, they'll make the comment, well, we're just not finding quality, quality candidates. And so I definitely will applaud this individual recognizing that. It also could be something in their process, in their way of doing business. Now, I did read a survey, and it was from Expert HR's 4th Annual Report, that states that nearly 30% of respondents named recruiting and hiring as their most critical challenge. Most of all of those who reported recruiting and hiring needs, 51% are extremely challenged in finding high-quality candidates, more than twice the number, 22%, from just 2 years ago. This was a 2019 survey, by the way. Other strategic HR concerns survey respondents characterized as extremely challenging include employee engagement, morale and satisfaction, employee retention, and managing work-life balance. Now I bring that second element out, not just focus on the 51%, you know, are challenged in finding high-quality candidates, which is aligned to the question being asked. I bring these other statistics out regarding engagement, morale, and satisfaction, employee retention, because that could lend itself into what are we doing wrong. What is the company doing wrong? So that's also another important thing to consider is it's not just, you know, the hiring and whether or not, you know, the person's quality material or quality skill set or not. Bouncing off, which I'm attributing to attrition, people leaving, will definitely come down to the culture, the roadmap or career path opportunities that someone's finding, diversity and inclusion, a number of other things. So let's get into what are the first things that an HR leader in any size company, even if you have a small company, say you're, you only have yourself and now you're starting to even hire 1 or 2 people. These processes, these checkpoints are all critical no matter if you're 2 or 10,000 employees. And so what I work with a number of clients on is within your recruiting and acquisition process, you need to kind of really think about what's working and what's not. Of course, being a coach, and I do, you know, consult as well, but more so from a coaching perspective, it's all about asking and answering questions. So, I'm always talking about the fact that you need to be asking yourself a lot of questions and really understanding, becoming self-aware of what the makeup of the situation is. So, the first question would be, is our recruiting and acquisition process working?? And if it is, what are those things that are working? If it's not, what are those things that are working? And you start from the beginning of the food chain to the very end of it. So you go from, you know, whether or not you even have the organization structure, you know, solid in order to get the right roles, in order to get the right skills, and then therefore the right people, to then the job descriptions that support them, the role profiles,— and I won't go in deep into any of these things because they're pretty hefty points of discussion, but does the profile allow you to find those quality candidates? And that is one area where some company can go wrong if they put out this blanket job description. They list a bunch of qualifications, roles, responsibilities, skill sets desired, yet it really— those things don't marry to the way they operate as a culture, the way they operate as a team, the way they operate as an overall entity. And so there's oftentimes disconnect between those two things. And therefore, when they do start receiving applications, doing interviews and whatnot, things are not aligned. And it goes on, you know, are your interviewing questions and processes— where they need to be? Are the right people doing the interviewing? Are the right tools and technologies being used? Are assessments being used? You know, what does your onboarding and assimilation look like? People only bounce, as they say, people only bounce if they're not, you know, getting supported, if they're not getting included, if they're not being motivated and developed and, you know, and engaged, if they're not having responsibilities that you know, get them excited. You know, it's not— rarely is it the individual themselves. I do work with a lot of individuals who are struggling with their— not only their performance, but their behavior, the way they go about engaging with other people. But majority of the time, people don't leave because of behavioral or even performance issues. It's mainly because of the fact that either the company, the manager, the team, they're just not getting what they need from those sources. So the bigger, bigger, bigger question is the culture. Is the culture in a state of being to actually not only attract, but acquire, and then retain and grow their talent base. And if the culture is not in a good place, if there's toxic leaders, if there's— I was talking with someone earlier, I had mentioned, and there could be a disconnect between what the leadership team defines in a strategic plan and then what gets trickled down and actually operated against, and therefore what are the underlying processes and procedures put in place to support that strategic plan. And a lot of times there's major disconnect. And I mean major. So you definitely have to be, you know, aware of that. So what can you do? You review that end-to-end process from the very beginning to the very end. And the end is to where people are getting advanced, people— you know, I've reached out to some people over the last several weeks. And they're like, our attrition rate is under 5%. It's great. Our retention is fabulous. Our development. And that's awesome. That's what I pray to hear from HR leaders and hiring managers. But you have to get an idea of what your end-to-end process looks like. And the woman this morning said, I'm overwhelmed by what I was, kind of discussing with her, and I don't blame her. There's a lot. You know, people think it's just, oh, put out a job description, hire somebody, get them in, and get them start working. No, there's so much more to it than that. So you have to, you know, you have to kind of be patient. You need to make sure all those things are well-defined and put into place. Then what I always suggest is to ask the candidates what they are looking for from you. I always tell people interviews are not a one-way street. When you go to an interview or if you're a hiring manager or a business owner of any kind hiring people, it's not about you. You know, it's not about whether or not this employee is going to be good for you. You have to be good for the employee, and too often companies go about defining and executing their HR— I'll lump it under HR, but let's look at recruitment and acquisition. They kind of look at it one-sided as opposed to saying, "What are our candidates looking for from us?" Now, of course, as a coach, I will always tell potential candidates, "You need to have as many questions, if not more questions, for them about culture, about diversity, about engagement, about advancement, about—" you know, just involvement in strategic planning or whatever the case might be, as much as they're going to ask you a lot of questions as well. And remember I mentioned you can learn about the number one most awkward question to answer in a job interview. You can go back to our Ask Bernadette episode at the beginning of January for that question. So, you know, there's a number of things. And asking the candidates what they're looking for from you will help you. Because guess what? As I mentioned earlier, you know, employees are not only concerned about how much money they're making, how much vacation time they get, what do their benefits look like. They want inclusion, diversity, engagement, collaboration. They want to be developed. They want to know that they have an opportunity to advance. They want to know that they're, you know, have— access to key people in the organization. They want to know that there's mentoring and coaching opportunities for them should they need, you know, the support and the sounding board, you know, that a lot of professionals seek these days. And then as you're finding things, it's okay if your laundry list of what's not working is long. It's okay, just then you would start prioritizing and working through all of those things. But it's really critical that— it's one thing to have processes and procedures and ways of operating your business. If it's not aligned to the culture and to the business objectives and the strategy and the vision, for what the company at the top is kind of directing the organization toward, then no great system is going to get you the quality candidates and the retention that you're looking for. So, the work really goes into making sure those two things are aligned. Okay. I hope that was helpful. Oh, let me just take a look real quick just in case. Any questions? Let's see. Okay, so I'd love your feedback. I'd love your comments in regards to those talking points. You can do that on our Facebook Shed the Bitch page or Twitter. And I'd love to be able to get some feedback to you, just take in your comments, and/or if you're looking for any additional more deep, deep dive into this, into this, uh, question, um, then feel free to reach out to me even directly. Bernadette Boas at sheddingthebitch.com. I'd be happy to, to talk to you more about it. All right, we're going to go right into our next question before we take a break, and it is: I'm in a relatively new relationship, a little less than a year. I "Really care about this guy, love being with them, but, but I'm not sure I am in love with him. I don't want to waste time or string him along. What can I do?" Now, I'll be the first to tell you I am not your, you know, love guru relationship coach in any way, shape, or form. There's a lot of experts out there, and I can— I certainly am directing this individual to to one or two of those in my network. But I will share with you my thoughts in regards to it because relationships are relationships, and understanding and knowing what it is that you want is really the foundation of this question. It's really, you know, kind of goes back— it always goes back to you and you understanding who you are, what you want, and what you don't want, what's important to you, what's not important to you. We won't go through all of that list of questions that I always give you when it comes to evaluating, assessing, and learning about yourself, discovering who you are. But keep it in mind as we do talk, because, you know, it's one thing to have a good-looking guy across the room that you, that you've been spending a lot of time with, that you are, you know, even deeply involved with, and yet you feel kind of unsure. And I won't go as far as saying, you know, saying empty, but you're feeling unsure about it. So it really is going to come down to you needing to figure out kind of who you are and what it is that you want or don't want. But I need you to keep something else in mind too, especially when it comes to relationships of any kind. Whether it's, you know, siblings or parents or, or loved ones. You can change yourself, and that's what this is about, right? You can change yourself. Don't think you're going to change that other person. Don't think that, uh, you know, in any way, shape, or form, whether you are just starting to date, whether you're at this point where you're questioning where it's going, whether you're 5 years, 20 years into a marriage You know, don't think you're changing them. It's you that needs to change in some way, shape, or form, and that may be even looking at them and considering who they are and appreciating that and accepting that, because you're not going to change somebody else no matter how much you kick and scream and, you know, even demand it from them, or it's over. It's just that's not the way that you're going to want to go about it. So this is all about you discovering who who you are, what it is that you want. And that's really kind of the basic question you need to ask and get out of your head onto a piece of paper. Excuse me. You know, so as I always talk about journaling, you really want to kind of put in black and white what it is that you want in a relationship. How do you define a relationship? And then you can, once it's written out and, and you're being raw and honest about it, then you can kind of sit there and assess, you know, your feelings and your experiences and encounters with him against your— what it is that you want. Now, one thing that I came across a while back, you probably have too if you're into pop culture at all, But I came across a— it was a red carpet interview with Jessica Biel, the wife, or, you know, or her husband Justin Timberlake, the actress Jessica Biel, obviously Justin Timberlake the singer. And she was talking to the host in regards to the relationship. And if I was to sum up kind of what this young woman who's questioning her feelings for this gentleman. If I was to sum it up, I just loved what Jessica responded to. She said, "There wasn't anything really putting anything on the line. We were just hanging out. I think before we got married, that's when I was like, oh yeah, this is the person I want to be in the boat with when we hit the rapids." Because we're going to hit the rapids and we're going to have to hold on tight. Can you row? Because I can row. I think you can row. Let's try this. I thought that that was such an interesting analogy that she used. And not only analogy, but even the kind of the dialogue that then, you know, whether it was really taking place with Justin or just her internal. But here she finally kind of came down to understanding and realizing that this is a guy that she wants to be in the boat with. And, you know, and be in the boat when the rapids hit because they will hit. So to this young woman in this relationship, you know, you can use this and ask yourself, is this the guy for us or for, you know, or is it a girl or whomever for anybody else listening? Is this the person I want to be in a sinking boat with, and will he save me? Will we go down together? Will, you know, I trust him? Will I give my life to him? Will I give my heart to him? Because I know that when we do hit those rapids, and we even hit the highs, we're going to be holding on tight to each other. And then, you know, can you row? You know, I can row, can you? And why don't we do this? So I just, you know, kind of when I came across that again, I thought that that was a great simple thing that you or anyone that you know who's questioning their relationship with someone, even a friend. Many of us have friends and we're wondering why, why is this person in my life tormenting me? Or, you know, why is this person in my life and I'm not really giving anything special and I'm not getting anything from it. Uh, you know, so you could also use this analogy for that. But let's start with the basic in answering this question for you. Um, you know, what or how do you feel when you're with that individual? When we— when you're with him, are you feeling happy, joy, peace, security, stability, love? Define love for yourself. Love. It could be a friend love. It could be an intimate, deep, you know, hurtful— not hurtful, but, you know, just deep ingrained love. Or do you feel insecure? Are you, you know, uh, unstable? Do you feel the relationship is? Are you self-conscious or stressed out about it? Are you truly yourself in this relationship? You know, I mean, and that's a hard question to answer because most of you right now are probably going, of course I'm myself, what are you talking about, Bernadette? I can promise you, you know, you— it, it may pop up as if, no, you know what, I'm not being myself. I dated someone for about a year, a little over a year, And this guy, I mean, this guy was a perfect guy. He, you know, he almost was close to being, you know, almost like priestly. And I was in a state of being at this point in time, I was in my late— no, I was in my early 30s, and I really did not like myself. I was very ashamed of myself. I was just in a bad self-love place. And I, I said, no way, no way is this guy who I knew would be the best friend, the best husband, the best father. And I thought, no, I, you know, I can't, I just can't. After like a year and a few months, I, I was like, I can't do this. I can't hurt him and drag this on, just like this woman feels like she's experiencing, because I was not myself with him. I wasn't, and I didn't feel confident and comfortable sharing who I really was and what I really was and what I did and didn't do and some of the encounters in my life and some of the situations I put myself through. He knew nothing of any of that, and yet that's who I am. I can tell you that today. So I'm just waiting for the guy to come in my door because I'll be an open book and just like I am today. Don, I know who I am today and I know I'm my authentic self. So when I ask you to consider this for yourself, it's the question that you really need to answer is, are you who you are meant to be with that person? Now I'm not saying it's going to be all of you, because especially if you're young like this woman appears to be, you know, there's a lifetime of growing, a lifetime of changing. Both of you are going to go down different paths, yet love is that you come back, you know, you're always there together in it, but you give each other the space in the room to allow each other to grow and to change and to, to find new passions and goals and yet come back, you know, aligned, uh, with each other's, you know, heart. Uh, so you really need to ask yourself, are you able to be your authentic self when you're with him? It's great if he's your best friend, a confidant, a guide, a partner, a teacher. And so you ask yourself, is he all of those things? And if you are answering no, no, no to any of this, you then need to ask yourself, why do you not feel those things toward him? And that might have, you know, answer the question. Relationships aren't about the fact that you're sleeping with them. Relationships aren't the fact that you spend a year or so with him. Relationships and a life of a relationship is, are you willing to be in the boat when those riptides come in? So just, you know, just ensure you're really, you know, delving into a lot of the questions and the emotions that, you know, that love brings into a relationship, into a partnership, into a life. Between two people. You could get really basic and say, okay, are our goals aligned? And there's nothing worse, especially if you've been in a relationship for a year. I would expect you've talked about each other's views on marriage, on children, on money, on religion, on politics— God forbid— on, on like all aspects of your life, on careers, on after children, you know, careers. And you determine very basically, that's like the basics. Yes, I agree with him on this, not on this, but we can compromise. No, we're not aligned here, here, here, here, here, here. Well, this might not work. Those are the basics. The emotional piece of it, the authentic piece of all these questions is where you really need to sit with. All right? Okay, we are going to take a quick break. When we get back, we are going to talk about quieting the noise, quieting the noise between your ears, and how to go about doing that. We'll be right back.

Shedding the Bits Radio is available for download anytime on Apple Podcasts, sheddingthebits.com, and blogtalkradio.com. Be sure to subscribe to the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. I want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate size clients. Go to NGTaxSolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium size businesses, including mine. Email Deborah at deborahparker.va@gmail.com. Would you like to reach our audience as a sponsor or advertiser? Email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com.

Now let's get back to the show. Welcome back everyone, this is our Ask Bernadette episode. It starts— it is on the first Tuesday of each month. We basically answer your questions, address your challenges, help you share your story, and then provide you some tips, advice, sometimes tough love. So if you have any one of those things, you can always go out to our Facebook or Twitter pages. You can go to LinkedIn, which is where I get majority of them. You can go and email me directly at BernadetteBoas@SheddingTheBitch.com. I'll respond to you immediately or within a reasonable amount of time, but then what we'll do is we'll kind of get all of those questions and bring them to the program. There could be a month where we have one or two, and we certainly can welcome even people that want to call in, join the live program. There's some that we have more than that, and then I have to call it down. To a number that I think we can get in within the timeframe. But we will always get you the tips and advice. And like this relationship question that I was given, I gave you my thoughts and my opinion in regards to how you can go about addressing, you know, the question of, you know, is this guy or person a long-term, a lifetime? But at the same time, like I did with her, I'll redirect that individual to someone who is an expert in relationships and make sure that she's getting a full degree of support and advice on her question. So no matter what it is, just make sure you're reaching out and asking for the support that you deserve, and we're here to help you with that. All right, so our next question is: I'm under so much stress at home and at work, I'm constantly anxious, even paranoid. I can't quiet my mind. Any suggestions? First thing I, as I was thinking through this, I'm like, oh, this is a doozy, and one that I even work on daily, and I mean daily, even moment to moment. It's not like I work on it daily one time a day. You know, it's moment to moment, thought to thought, frustration to frustration, anxiety to anxiety, happiness to happiness, always making myself kind of pay attention to it. I, and I often relate, or I kind of theme, I like to theme things because it helps me recall. When it comes to quieting, you know, my thoughts, I often, you know, kind of consider and see the words Taming of the Shrew. Now if any of you know what that is, it's a Shakespearean play from like the 1500s. Yet I just love that term, Taming of the Shrew. Has nothing to do with the mind chatter that we all deal with. It's just a powerful thing that I can relate to when it comes to trying to quiet quiet the mind. And, you know, the first thing that you really need to keep in mind is, first off, what are our thoughts? Now, I'm not going to tell you what your thoughts are, but your thoughts are either going to be things that have already happened, things that need to happen. So the past and the future. Now, you know, there's a great analogy or Oh, I'm losing it. Around the fact that, you know, the past is the past. You need to kind of— you need to let it go. It's done and over with, and it's not serving you at all for bringing it back up and swirling on it and just regurgitating it. And then the future is not here, whether that's an hour from now or it's tomorrow or next week, for whatever anxiety or whatever, you know, mental games that future is playing on you right now at this very moment. So you need to kind of not even bring it into your presence. And the most important thing is just being present, being— because this is what you can control right now. This is what you have, you know, opportunities to influence, is the right now. So just keep that in mind. So if the hurtful experiences, the bad decisions you've made, the terrible outcomes of your past, they're done, they're over with. Yes, it was a horrible decision. I can give you a laundry list of them, of mine, and yet, you know, bringing them up and rehashing them is not serving, you know, me or you in any way, shape, or form. Those bad decisions, those hurtful experiences, yes, and they might it's a matter of finding ways to kind of let it go, finding ways to just go, okay, so yes, I felt hurt and now I'm working through that pain in the present. You know, but the key is that you're working to kind of put it where it is, and that's, you know, in the past. Now, one thing to really, and this kind of, made me have an aha moment when I really thought about the fact that none of us toss and turn at night when we consider beautiful things in the world. When our life is wonderful, you know, we don't toss and turn. We fall right off to a blissful sleep. And actually, I was considering this when I was reading my daily devotional. This was actually a few weeks ago, but and I was reading it, and it was also talking about how many— I'll call them spiritual, religious individuals— they only really kind of bring God into the picture when they're struggling and when they're, you know, going through something painful, something hurtful, something, you know, traumatic, whatever the case might be. Yet it's, it's in those times of when we're really happy and joyful and peaceful and grateful and thankful, do we want to also— not one or the other, but also bring him in and really kind of welcome him into influencing what's going on in your life at any point in time? Deborah and I were actually laughing about it before we got onto the show, the fact that it is kind of funny that God laughs at you when you think that you're in control.— of what's happening in your world and what your destiny and legacy is when it's, you know, he's in total control. If you believe in God and if you have any, you know, leaning towards a being such as, as he or she, and so it's very much the same thing, is we don't, we don't toss and turn when wonderful things are happening in our world. Why are we allowing ourselves to toss and turn on things that we can't do anything about at that moment in time. And especially if it's of the past, it should be of the past. And if it hasn't happened yet, then what we need to really, really, really, really, really focus on is right now. So we leave all those bad decisions, hurtful experiences, terrible outcomes behind us. We put away the to-do list. We put away the the money issues we have to deal with, the demanding boss that's going to be knocking at your door tomorrow morning at, you know, 7 o'clock. You put all that aside, and if you really want to quiet your mind, you know, let's first of all use all of that for when you are in bed trying to get sleep between 10 and let's say 6. And practically look at this, because this has helped me tremendously. You know, over the last, I would say, 6 or 7 months. And so, even for me, it's so new. Is I looked at, you know, 10 to 6 at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping, and it relates to this individual's question about, you know, the chatter that we have. There is absolutely nothing I could be doing about any of this stuff that I'm dealing with between 10 and 6. I could sit there and talk to Taryn about,, you know, having a difficult conversation with someone the next day, or maybe, you know, whether or not I have a, you know, a renter is going to secure my guest house for, you know, or I'm going to be vacant for another month. I can't do anything about that between 10 and 6. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing you can do about your boss issues, your money issues, your work issues, your relationship issues between those times. So I ask myself, and you should ask yourself, so why are we allowing all of that to cause us to toss and turn and not go, you know, quiet and still? Now, if you need other kind of logical reasoning to lay a foundation around, it's just consider, think about the impact it's having on you. Think about, you know, this individual, just in her words I can feel her stress. I can feel her almost like hyperventilating because she, or having a panic attack even, because she's just feeling so anxious about the fact that she can't quiet her mind. So think about that. She's unable to relax and slow down. She's, you know, negative, stressed out. Stressed out, her mood is nasty, and therefore her attitude is nasty. Think about, you know, going out into the world in that state of being. I don't know, you know, she could be unhappy, depressed, and, you know, anxious, let alone going to the far extreme of, you know, suicidal or something more traumatic. It interferes with, you know, your behavior, your communications, your interactions with people. When you're all in your head, as they say. You know, if you're allowing all of this stress and all these anxieties, this to-do list that you have, the past, the future, you know, wreaking havoc on your mental being— keep in mind, law of attraction, you know, you get back what you put out. So if you're going out in the world with all of that junk hanging over you, that's what's going to be spew back at you. And, of course, it deteriorates your health and your mindset. And physical health, mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, even financial health, it'll have an impact on. So, if you really want to kind of create your whys around, you know, addressing this, then you really want to consider, you know, those impacts on you. In all aspects of your being. Now, I recently, at the beginning of the year, I might, you know, I might have mentioned I had started last year, I started reading my devotionals in the morning and my journaling in the morning, but I also added 5 pages of reading to it last year as well. So basically, you know, finding a book, whether that be fiction or nonfiction, and and just spending some time taking in kind of creative juices, whether it's a spiritual book, whether it's a business book, whether it's a fictional novel. The business I haven't done. I like to keep it to the spiritual or the fiction storytelling first thing in the morning. So I Googled at the beginning of the year, I Googled, you know, top, top books, actually Oprah's favorite spiritual book, and it was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. And I've heard her speak in regards to his readings and his books, and I had just never read them in the past. But I, at the beginning of the year, I said, okay. I was told it was a heavy book, meaning, you know, you just have to really give it a lot of thought. Sentence by sentence, page by page. And I thought, okay, well, I've been doing a lot of that type of self-work. And so I grabbed it and I started reading 5 pages, and sometimes it goes longer or shorter. But I came— but I had come across this, and when this question was asked of me, I went back to it because I'd already bookmarked it. I have a lot of bookmarks in my— in this book. So I wanted to share it with you because I just thought it would be It's very relevant and it could be very helpful to any of you who are dealing with this mind chatter, how to quiet it down. All right, so he goes on to say, now he calls it watching the thinker, and disregard that, it's just the opening words of his advice here. But he goes on to say, you can also create a gap in the mind stream simply by directing the focus of your attention into the now. Just become intensely conscious of the present moment. So he goes on to say it's a— that it's very satisfying to do this, and, and that would have been my recommendation as well, and it is to just pay attention to what's going on right now. Listen to my voice, because that's what you're doing right now. So, but he goes on to say In your everyday life, you can practice this by taking any routine activity that normally is only a means to an end and giving it your fullest attention so that it becomes an end in itself. Basically saying, you know, if you want to quiet your mind, just focus on what, what you're doing exactly right now at this very moment in time, or routine activity is what he actually said. So, for example, if He goes on to say, every time you walk up and down the stairs in your house or place of work, pay close attention to every step, every movement, even your breathing. Be totally present. Or when you wash your hands, pay attention to all the sense perceptions associated with the activity, the sound and feel of the water, the movement of your hands, the scent of the soap, and so on. 'When you get into your car, after you close the door, pause for a few seconds and observe the flow of your breath. Become aware of the silent but powerful sense of presence.' Now, he goes on, and as I was sitting there reading this weeks back, I also said to myself, okay, you know, I'm going to pay attention right here at this moment in time. As I was reading this. So I wrote down in it, there was this gap, paragraph gap, and I don't know if it's intentional for you to be able to write, but I always scribble all over my books. But I went on to say, I went on to write, as I read this, I hear the trash truck down the street. I see the pups roaming the room. I hear the birds chirping. I'm focused on these words and only these words. So, you know, as I said, it's one of those books that as you go, you want to kind of take it in, you know, sentence by sentence. And so, and I tend to then just use it as that exercise. So I would suggest you try the same. Just when you're, even when you're sleeping, when you're in bed and all of a sudden the noise starts. Just sit there and just go inward and really focus on your breathing. Focus on the— I wear an eye mask, but you close your eyes. Focus on the darkness inside your head, inside your— on the opposite, you know, side of your eyelids, on the back of your eyelids, I guess I should say. Focus on the, you know, the noise in the room. Maybe you have a fan on. Maybe there's the rustling of a pad or a partner in bed with you. Maybe there is, you know, the sounds of the street, of the traffic outside, whatever the case might be. And just stay focused right there and then on exactly what is happening to you at that point in time. And you could do that at any point. I did that today. I was getting off a phone call and I was writing up my notes. And I just decided to start paying attention to the ticking of the keyboard, and then the dogs fighting over a King Kong ball of some sort, and then the noise outside. I just, I used it for myself to just kind of get out of my head and just stay right where I was. Now another, Marlisa of Daring to Live Fully, she advises to use a game, to play the Game of Five. And her suggestion is pause your train of thought and notice 5 things in your environment. It can be 5 things you see, hear, or smell. Then fully experience the sight, the sound, the smell. So, she takes it kind of to the next level of what I was suggesting. You know, I was just observing, you know, kind of the sound and the darkness, you know, behind my lid. But, you know, is there a smell in the air? Did your dog fart? Or the person with you? You know, but just take all the senses in along with it. Now, other suggestions would be you can certainly meditate. And, you know, and go inward that way. And I, I'll throw out there— I'm not, you know, being paid for this— but I've talked to you about the Deepak Chopra and Oprah meditation journeys that they have. And she just started one— they just started one yesterday, uh, Perfect Health. It's all centered around— so you can go to chopracentermeditation.com and, you know, jump in on that. It's You know, they're short meditations. They're great to kind of just get you thinking, ground you in, you know, kind of a train of thought. And then it goes silent with some chanting music in the background, which is lovely. And it gives you an opportunity to just go inward and be present and be now. You can go on and read. You can go— you can pray. You can recite a mantra. I should mention you can use apps for meditation, Calm, Headspace, and there's some other apps. You can dream consciously. And what do I mean by that? You know, instead of thinking about your to-do list or the thing that happened yesterday or the bad decision you made, create a story, create a movie in your head. You know, I can tell you a number of mine that I use on a regular basis. And, you know, so when you close your eyes to put out all the other thoughts that are going on around you, start creating a story that you can even build on night to night. And you look forward to kind of getting back into that, even if it's conscious, getting into that state of being and, you know, kind of telling your story and creating this world in order to quiet the mind. The key is to work to be present, to be in the moment, to be now, and, you know, and not allowing all those other things, whether it is the past or the future, intruding on that. And that should allow you to quiet your mind and all that chatter. It's helped me tremendously. And like I said, only in the last, you know, 6 months or so have I really gotten— I'm not a master of it at all, but I have definitely found to where it has some significant impact. So those are some tips, advice, and sometimes tough love for you for our Ask Bernadette episode. Please share any time of the day, week, month, your story or question or challenge, and I would love to help you out with it. So for everybody here in the Shedding the Bitch community, I want to wish you a very prosperous week, and I'll look forward to having you right back here next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Thanks everybody.

Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.