Ask Me Anything with Bernadette Boas

Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back. 818-572-2910. Today is Ask Me Anything Day. So you have yours truly here to provide some tips, advice, sometimes tough love. On whatever it is you might be dealing with within your career, business, or life. And we do have several questions, but if you have a question yourself or you have a challenge you're dealing with or you simply have a story you want to share with us, feel free to call in 1-818-572-2910. You can chat with us, so I have the chat room open, and you can go to blogtalkradio.com/ Shedding the Bitch Radio and scroll down, you'll find the chat room there, and I'll keep an eye out for any of you who might go there. And at the same time, any time of the month, not just here on the first Tuesday of each month, you can post your question, story, or challenge on Facebook, on Twitter. You can send me an email at BernadetteBoas@SheddingTheBitch.com. You can go on to LinkedIn and send me a direct message there, which is where I get most of these questions that, that I bring here to the program. So however you need to reach out, just be sure you are. There's no reason for you to be sitting around with a question that you could be leveraging from an expert, myself, and/or any one of the guests, and, and/or resources that are in my network. If you have a question about anything, about a relationship, about your finances, about your business, about a situation at work, maybe with your boss, maybe with a colleague, whatever the case might be. Maybe there's something that you're dealing with that you don't want to talk to other people about and you just need a safe place to come and share. You can either do it here on the program and stay anonymous and you don't have to share your name or information, or you could do it via Facebook, Twitter, email, a phone call directly to me., and I'd be more than happy to ensure that you're getting the support that you need. All right, so we do have a number of questions that we'll be getting to in just a minute. Let's see, it is October, so at least those of you in the States, which is the majority of you, but I do have listeners all around the world. October 9th, now I'm thinking this is national, so, but October 9th is the last day for you to register to vote. And we do have some midterm elections coming up in November. So if you've been, you know, unless you've been living under a rock with all of the things going on in the world right now, whether it's political or nonpolitical, whether it's in courtrooms or not, whether it's on social media, the MeToo movement, whatever the case might be, there's a lot going on. And if you want to have a voice in who is making decisions for you, then you definitely want to get out and vote and registered to vote, many people are not, majority of the people are not, then you have an opportunity to do so before October 9th. And then, of course, we need as many people out at the polls for those elections in November. So don't complain if you're not using your voice in some way, shape, or form. And if it's not voting, then do it in other ways. But that's my little— That's my little public announcement for the day. We have some great guests coming up in the month of October. Some of them are even gonna help us with the mood of Halloween that is upon us. And of course, the Halloween candy and the costumes or whatever have been out in the stores for weeks now, but we're gonna be kind of working our way through October and having some very, very interesting conversations. And the first one, coming up next week is with an author, August Cruz. He has a book, Stalker, coming out— or recently, I'm sorry, recently out. And although it's fiction, it definitely speaks to reality about stalking and about just relationships and cues of engaging with other people and making sure that you're armed with advice and tips and cues that you could be ensured that you're following those red flags or following those things in your stomach that are telling you that there might be something up and not in your, in your best interest. So he has a very interesting twist on how he's leveraged his book to share some really great practical advice and tips for you. So that'll be a very interesting conversation. And then we're going to talk to Terry Crews. I'm sorry, Terry Crooks. We're going to be speaking to her, and then Elliott Katz will round out October. And then we have one last guest we're firming up. It's going to be great, so stay tuned because that's on October 30th. We're finalizing that, so stay tuned for August Cruz, Terry Crooks, and Elliott Katz right here on Shedding the Bitch Radio. All right, let me see what else. If you should be chatting with us, Facebooking with us, tweeting with us, or anywhere else, even on LinkedIn, you can use the hashtag for today's program as #AskMeAnything or #AskBernadette, and of course you can always use #ShedTheBitch. All right, we have questions that are blending relationships, friendships with work situations. So we'll be talking about how to compete with a friend for the same job or opportunity and how to do that effectively without impacting your relationship. And then we're going to answer a question all around passive-aggressive behavior. Ah, passive-aggressive, you got to love that when you come across that type of individual, if that's not yourself. And if it's yourself, that's okay. We just want to help you kind of work through how you can confront difficult situations, difficult conversations, difficult relationships very kind of upfront, very openly, directly, and yet respectfully, and in a safe way that you're not feeling as if you need a safety net. And then we're going to talk about finances, and this is definitely one of those areas where I'll definitely be using both my business but my personal experiences. And I would, you know, also be advising in regards to the real experts out there, the money experts out there that might be able to help you or this particular individual, but help you out as well when it comes to finances. Again, we should have time for other questions, other stories, other challenges that you might be having. So if so, go out onto Facebook, Twitter, call us directly, 1-866-833-2967. 1-857-229-10, and we're sitting here waiting for your call. We have Deborah of Parker House Virtual Services on the line producing and following your tweets and your Facebook posts as well. Go once, one more time, you can go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and scroll down through today's episode and you'll find the chat room. That you can also post your questions out there. All right, we're going to take a quick break. I'm going to get a little bit of water, and when we get back, we'll dive into Ask Me Anything today. All right, we'll see you in a minute.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity. So they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to NGTaxSolutions.com solutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at media relations at sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone, we are Answering your questions. I am providing you some tips and advice, sometimes tough love, when it comes to any question, story, or challenge you might be having in your business, your career, or in your life. And our first question blends the two. It blends the fact that this is, um, a friend and I work for the same pharmaceutical company and are up for the same promotion. I am already sensing some tension from her. "how can I pursue this opportunity without jeopardizing our friendship?" Now this is not an uncommon situation, especially if you do have a— even a close friend that you already knew before maybe you got that job, or maybe she or he came on to your employer after you were already friends, or it could be just that you built a relationship. And a friendship together at your employer, and you're both on a similar track. You both have similar goals and ambitions, and that is all good and beautiful things. And you would think and hope that you support each other and you'd be happy for each other when it comes to one advancing or one getting a promotion— a promotion, but a bonus or a raise. Or new project assigned to them. But in a lot of cases, it could become one not necessarily of competitiveness as much as just, you know, jealousy might seep in there, a little bit of envy might seep in there, which then can turn into not only a competitive situation, but also one that could jeopardize your friendship. And you really don't want that. At least if you— and my first tip would be, if you truly are friends and if you are truly caring about maintaining that friendship and that relationship despite how far one may go over the other, then, then you definitely want to be sure that you kind of tapped in to where you're at in, in that situation, in this particular situation. And obviously this individual, this woman, is, she's tapping into it and assessing it and recognizing it now that in this case though, she's saying that she's sensing some tension from her friend, but my first thing that I said to her is I said, "How about you? You know, how are you feeling about it?" And, you know, what have you assessed or tapped into as far as what if she got the promotion? So I, my first recommendation to anyone when it comes to a situation like that is to first not necessarily judge that your friend or someone else is appearing tense or coming off differently or maybe acting or treating you differently, but what are you bringing to the table? What are, you know, how are you behaving? How are you responding to this? Because no one could deny that if you and a friend learn of a job opportunity, both of you apply for it, or maybe someone, you know, suggested that you apply for something, and you go running to your friend to share that information, and then they respond saying, "Oh, wow, I, you know, am applying," or, "I was suggested to apply for that opportunity as well," no one could deny that there could be a twinge of, Let's call it jealousy. Let's call it maybe feeling threatened regarding that situation. Some people might even feel a little bit— what would the term I'm looking for be— slighted. That, you know, if anybody knew that these two people were friends and yet they proposed that both of these individuals apply for the same job. Whatever the situation might be, whatever the emotion might be, we call them— sometimes we call this the negative ones, bitches here in the Shedding the Bitch community, you, one, should not beat yourself up if you had that emotion felt on your part. At the same time, my second suggestion to this individual is they shouldn't quiet or they shouldn't smother their excitement about this opportunity just because you might be sensing tension from your friend. You— if you are truly friends, then you should be happy for one another, and you should be able to express your own individual happiness, but at the same time, the happiness for that other person. So don't quiet your excitement over the opportunity, but definitely ask yourself how you're truly feeling about it, because it might be unfair for you to say that you're feeling tension from the other person. It could be that you're sensing that you're sensing tension because you're even, even feeling something that might come off as, um, jealousy or feeling threatened or not so secure in your ability to have this opportunity and get that promotion. So do both of those things first, uh, because that will help you then determine, okay, so then how do I engage and collaborate. And even, I hate the word confront, is often perceived as a negative word, but it's not. It's simply being upfront about something and you're confronting it and not kind of avoiding it. And we're going to have a question regarding passive-aggressive behavior, and that type of person would do that as opposed to being very open, very supportive, and even forthright regarding your interest in the job and, at the same time, being happy if your friend were to get the job. So let's back up to that for a moment. So we first talked about asking yourself how you're truly feeling so you at least are honest and aware of that. You're not going to want to quiet your excitement. You should be able to be all excited and inquiring to other people, including your friend, about the opportunity, about the position, about the role, about the department and the new boss, whatever the case might be. At the same time, you also want to be open, supportive, and engaging, and even forthright about your friend's opportunity for this position and your— and excitement about if your friend were to get that position and that promotion. So the two of you should welcome a sit-down conversation in regards to it and in regards to all aspects of it. Now, some people are comfortable with staying very, what I'll call, technical about things. They'll keep it to black and white. They'll keep it to about the job, about the role, about the boss, about the department, about the company. Then they'll move into more personal and more emotional areas. They may, you know, talk about the money and whether or not it's a big raise or promotion for someone, or maybe it's not as big. And all of a sudden you're learning maybe new information between each other about where you are currently money-wise, position-wise, grade, as many corporate companies have grades at levels, whatever you might want to call them. And so you start moving into those type of areas, but at the same time, you also want to express— hopefully you're feeling it— you want to express how excited you are for yourself and for your friend. And then the next area you will want to move into is to then be upfront and forthright about how the other person feels if you should get the job. And honestly discuss how you're going to feel if that individual gets the job. You might even move into discussing if this role, if this new position becomes managerial over that individual, so now your friend becomes your boss or you become your friend's boss, and have that conversation. And be sure that if it is a true friendship, that you are as direct and open, transparent and honest with each other as possible. Because then you can kind of air all of those things, all the excitement but also all the concern or maybe it is a little envy. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that you'll be jealous or you'll be— envy is a little, you know, moving to the dark side of jealousy. And maybe, you know, that you do feel threatened. Or maybe just the fact that the other person's resume, you know, is a lot deeper, is a lot richer, and is a lot more suitable to that promotion, that opportunity, than yours, and vice versa. So if you are friends, I would just ask a lot of questions of each other. And if that other person's not engaging, or if that other person is not, you know, choosing to be just as open and collaborative with you, then you be the better person and you ask the questions and you engage that individual. But at the same time, being very direct and forthright to make sure that this individual, you know, knows that you're looking to, you know, respect and protect your friendship.. And the only way that you are going to be able to do that is if both of you are honest with each other in regards to how this could play out and what it would look like, you know, in that new situation, in that new norm, so to speak. So I would suggest after, you know, asking yourself about how you are feeling, not quieting or smothering your own excitement. But expressing it and expressing the excitement that you have for your friend, being open, supportive, and forthright regarding a conversation about the opportunity, and yet moving into those kind of emotional areas to ensure that your friendship is respected and protected, and asking a lot of questions around it. You don't want to make statements, and we'll certainly get into this when it comes to talking about the passive-aggressive behavior. You don't want to make statements. You also don't want to ask questions that could simply get a yes or a no or a shrug of the shoulders or a roll of the eyes. You're looking to engage, collaborate, and communicate with one another, both physically. It will be physical. It will be emotional. And it will be verbal in words. And yet, you know, you hope that it could even be in writing with social media nowadays. But you want to ask a lot of open-ended questions, as they call it, that would really give you and allow you to tap into how your friend— remember, they're your friend first and then a colleague, unless you decide to change that and turn them into merely a business associate or a colleague in order for you to deal with the fact that if he or she were to get the promotion over you and vice versa. If all of a sudden you're a type of person who gets some power, as they will say, and the next thing you know you're yielding that or wielding that over your friend, that should be a conscious, you know, mood, move, or conscious decision that you make. You certainly don't want to ruin a friendship because you then start behaving in a passive-aggressive manner. But we'll get into that in just a second. So, and when you ask those questions, those open-ended questions, this is key in purely communication, which is what we all do each and every day, and yet fall way short of effectively communicating. And what I mean by that is, as you're speaking and engaging and collaborating with someone, to communicate, you need to ask those questions. And then you need to shut up and you need to listen. And that's probably one of the biggest mistakes we all make, whether it is at home or at work or in our community, is we all— we all want to know a lot, we all want to be involved in a lot, we just don't necessarily want to take the time and appreciate kind of those factors that are impacting us. So a lot of times we just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and we don't ask and engage, shut up and listen so we fully understand, in this case, how our friend might be feeling or thinking or wanting. And there could be something behind that so-called tension this individual perceived, and without asking and then shutting up and listening, you're just going to draw your own conclusions and perceptions and judgments, and you're not going to have the real, the real take on things. You want the real take. If this is a friendship, you want to respect that friendship, and you want to be sure that you're, um, that you're, uh, giving them the space and the safety— safe environment and the friendship in order to be open and honest with you about whatever it is that he or she might be feeling. Now I want to kind of close out this conversation about this so-called competitive nature between friends, because it can be done very effectively, very productively, and very successfully to where there's, you know, no impact. We can probably all come up with a situation where we've known somebody, maybe it's not a deep friendship, but it's somebody that, you know, we kind of hung with or we, you know, got along with at work. And, you know, they were advanced or you were advanced. You got, you got a promotion or a raise. Maybe they did. I mean, this is a very common situation, and it just depends on how we face it and how we engage with it as to whether or not the friendship is maintained the way it is or it changes and/or goes away. So that, now what I wanted to close out with by saying is this. How we respond. So for instance, if this individual, you know, begins to avoid or begins to be tense herself and/or doesn't even address it or confront it or engage in it or collaborate, and makes it very technical, very sterile, very all about the job, well, there's an underlying degree of insecurity, of envy, of jealousy of those negative bitches speaking volumes. And so if you don't want to be that, if you don't want to experience or feel those things, if you don't want to have those bitches kind of ruling your happiness, your joy, your potential success, then you need to recognize that that could be going on even within yourself, let alone within a friend, and address it first. Because all of that speaks to anytime you are feeling a little pinch of jealousy or envy or or insecurity or doubt or feeling threatened, it's, it's telling you something about yourself, not about that other person, but about yourself. So you just simply want to take time to reflect on it, be aware of it, address it, and then you can shift from it in however manner that you, that you care to. All right, so hopefully hopefully that will benefit anyone that might be dealing with that type of situation. And it's not even just at work. It could even be at home. It could be within your own home. A lot of times the main situation or scenario could be the fact that maybe the wife starts making more money than the husband and the husband's feeling threatened or, and/or, that's what the woman's concluding. And yet if she asked these open-ended questions and really tried to want, or wanted to understand how her partner is feeling, then she would want to respect that relationship and start engaging, collaborating, communicating. It could happen with, say, your friend is a better— I play pickleball and I have a friend that is a very good a pickleball player. Granted, she, you know, used to play tennis, but, you know, those— she's getting a lot of accolades and she's, you know, getting into tournaments and all that kind of good stuff. And it could have spoke volumes to how I handled and addressed that. And that— I will say that there was a pinch of envy on my part, jealousy, whatever you might want to call it, feeling threatened, because I, you know, I wanted to be just as good of a player. I wanted to get into tournaments myself. And at the moment, at that time, when I felt those things coming on, I was like, ooh, this isn't good. I certainly don't want it to start affecting our friendship. So we— I discussed it with her. We, we discussed it. I learned she was a tennis player for a long time, so she had a huge advantage over me. I wasn't going to use that as excuse. I just used it to contain it, to be aware of it, to— and to kind of shift away from it. So it's not just about a work situation where You know, there could be a competitive situation that you and a friend or a spouse or a partner or a peer are involved with. So it can kind of be used across the board. All right. Let's see. I'm going to look at these next few questions because we might take a quick break. Yeah, we're going to take a quick break so we can then come back and have a deep conversation into this. Question regarding a passive-aggressive friend, another friend. We'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch. Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate size clients. Go to NGTaxSolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch Shedding the Bitch Radio and follow the program for all the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. Today's episode is all about asking me anything that you might be just questioning, you might have a challenge, you might even just have a story that you want to share., and we are here to listen to it and to provide you some tips, some advice, and sometimes some tough love in regards to it, and merely so you can get out of that kind of a bitch of a mindset and move into, uh, really attracting and accelerating the riches in life that you deserve. So we create what we hope to be a safe space for you in order for you to to share that story, that challenge, that question, and receive the support that you need and that will benefit you. So our previous question was all about two friends competing and how to maintain that friendship and how to address that friendship in a way that won't negatively impact it due to the competitive nature of going after the same job. And having that same opportunity for promotion and accolades and all the things that come with it. This question kind of, kind of aligns to that, although it is from a different individual. So this is what I was approached about. A close friend of mine has always been passive-aggressive. She hates confrontation and any form of conflict. I will admit I do as well. But in the past year or so have become stronger and more confident and have found myself standing up for myself more than ever. Her passive-aggressive behavior is causing quite the rift in our friendship. What can I do to confront her about it? All right, so before we get into all of that, let me define passive-aggressive behavior because I'm sure every one of us on this listening to this program on this radio show could probably raise our hand at some point in time, if not a consistent, um, way of behaving, and be defined as acting passive-aggressive because it covers a big gamut. Passive-aggressive behavior denotes a type of behavior or personality characteristic, uh, by indirect resistance to the demands of others, and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastination, pouting, or misplacing important materials. I took this directly from online, so it's a little technical. Other examples of passive-aggressive behavior might include avoiding direct or clear communication, evading problems, Fear of intimacy or competition, making excuses, blaming others, obstruction, playing the victim, feigning compliance with requests, sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and hiding anger. So I will ask that question. How many of the— you have acted in a passive-aggressive behavior at some point in time? And/or maybe you do consistently and regularly, and that is maybe something that you also are trying to shift away from. I have my hand up because I certainly can fall into, I can fall into some of this behavior. Because like I said, it covers a lot. Making excuses, blaming others, obstructing, playing the victim. Even in our last, even in our last question about two friends competing for the same job, you know, and one's acting a little bit tense toward their friendship in regards to this opportunity presented to them. And you can almost see it play out as far as this passive-aggressive behavior that could come from one or both of them, and that is avoiding, obstructing. They could all of a sudden be making sarcastic comments or having— making backhanded compliments. And yes, even that could happen when you deem a relationship with someone as friendship, as even married, marriage, as even, you know, siblings. And you could find any element of this passive-aggressive behavior peppered in at some point in time. Right, wrong, or indifferent, it is what it is. And what at least this individual, and I would hope anybody would be both concerned and interested in is being aware of it and shifting away from it, but also just knowing how to deal with it, knowing how to confront it, knowing how to successfully work through it. And it is just a matter of, first, it goes back to what we talked about earlier as well, is how— where are you in your own degree of confidence, security, high self-worth, your own belief in yourself, your own conviction to your belief in your values and your morals. And you most often what you'll find, and this is how I can raise my hand but then lower it because we do change over time. And I could say that I acted in this passive-aggressive behavior myself for many decades, for many decades, and over the past decade have shifted severely and greatly away from it just merely because of getting to know who I really am, what I really want, what I don't want, having a really strong degree of security and confidence in myself, and really getting to a point, quite honestly, ladies and gentlemen, but ladies, it is also getting to a point where you really don't care about what other people think of you, and all you want is happiness, not only for yourself, but for other people. So, a degree of selflessness. You know, starts playing into your maturity, to your confidence, to your security, to that high self-worth, to where you're happy if someone's doing, you know, not doing better than you, or has better opportunities presented to them, or is wealthier than you are. You're happy for them because it's not about you, it's about them. And, and unless they are throwing their wealth or their success or whatever in your face, you can still manage and handle and address that in a very secure, confident, mature, and respectful way. And when you have those things within yourself, you actually don't behave in a passive-aggressive manner because you just are very confident in being able to speak up and stand up for yourself and for your conviction in stating something very blatantly or very directly as, you know, there's really no reason for you to be making those type of statements or behaving in such a way. I am very happy for you. I'm just in a different place, and that's okay. That's okay. That's all right with me. So I want to make sure that that's really clear because it just very similar to the first question that we had about those two friends competing for the same job. It really just comes down to one's degree of confidence and security within themselves as to how they, they respond. So the tip— the tips and advice that I gave this individual of as to how do you deal with someone that is passive-aggressive It's just very respectfully, you might even empathize or feel compassion for that individual because obviously if they are avoiding or obstructing or making sarcastic comments or backhanded compliments, they're just covering up their own bitches, their own insecurities, their own doubts, their own negativities, their own fears within themselves. And how they project that fear and insecurity and doubt and negativity is to make other people feel smaller, make other people question themselves, make other people kind of doubt who they are. I have a friend who— and I'll call her a very good friend— who really, her response to my degree of confidence in myself and my ability to stand up for myself and my ability to not allow other people to make me feel small or talk back to me or disrespect me, whether that's, you know, being a woman or being a business owner or, you know, even those times I have challenges in running a business and people think I should go back to work, or, you know, for the decisions I make on, you know, the work that I do or the work that I choose not to do. And she really has a difficult time with how kind of firm and protective I am of my convictions and my beliefs, and you throw morals in there. And so I, you know, I don't get defensive about that. I don't begin to doubt myself. I don't begin to question myself and turn it inward. I simply just kind of act empathetic and toward her as to the fact that obviously she's struggling with some degree of insecurity or doubt within herself, that she just can't come to accept that somebody could be very secure and confident and okay with where they are, even though from a measuring stick perspective, whether it's money or position or power, you know, they may— that friend who's secure and confident may not be in the same status quo, so to speak, as that other person, but that's okay. And that is me directly, is I've given and sacrificed a great deal from since I left corporate and in order to follow and pursue my goals and my dreams, I've made a great amount of sacrifices and compromises. And some people just don't get it. Some people just don't understand it. And I kind of moved away from being something and someone that I used to be that other people would respect and admire and envy, actually. And I, you know, moved into just really being myself and really just being okay with much— I don't want to call it less because I hate those negative words. But it's less than what I used to have if you, again, quantified or measured materialistically what my old life looked like compared to what my current life is. And this particular friend just has a, you know, really difficult time understanding and believing that, and kind of it just, you know, reeks and is projected from her on a regular basis. And it's just something that, like this person asking this question about how to deal with passive-aggressive people, you know, what I told her was you have to appreciate, understand, be compassionate, and empathize with that individual, and yet be direct and upfront. That if there's a behavior or there's something being avoided or there's those backhanded compliments or sarcasm, that you just respectfully address it with them. Either have a conversation, formal conversation, sit down and say, look, you know, give them examples, be very articulate, very specific. You have to be very detailed and factual. It can't be a lot of hypotheticals. So when something happens, I always tell somebody that if something happens with someone who's passive-aggressive or even a bully or whatever the case might be, you have to address it when it happens. And you have to use that situation as the evidence, as the fact, as very technical, almost very, you know, legal, so to speak, because you want to be sure that they understand what that situation was, what they brought into that situation, how you then responded and perceived that situation, and how it impacted you, in most cases negatively, although you might not have allowed it to change who you are or allowed it to seep in and, and really, you know, wreak havoc on yourself. But that individual, the more specific and detailed and, and immediate you can be addressing it, you can, you can be sure that they have to become aware of their contribution to whatever it is that you're sharing with them as to what your response to it was, how it impacted you, how you found it to be maybe cruel or unnecessary or something that just merely that other person might be dealing with but you're projecting it onto me. You have to address it head-on. Quickly with facts and respect, with a lot of great deal of respect. Because again, whether friend or foe, you know, you just want to maintain the kindness. You just want to maintain the heart. You just want to maintain the goodness of who you are. You don't want to— the minute anybody were to confront that in a very attacking or very defensive way, you're stooping down to their level and acting maybe not in a passive-aggressive way, but you're no better and handling it in a no-better-off way than that individual who's being passive-aggressive towards you. I, let's see if I had anything else to add to that. No, but passive-aggressive, Like I said, I think every one of us can avoid, can get defensive, can evade problems, you know, can play the victim at times. And all I would ask you to do is when you sense that you're doing those things, like I'll avoid problems, you know. I can be very head-on about things, but there could be a situation or two that I just say, oh, I'll take care of it tomorrow, as opposed to deal with it today. And then all of a sudden I'll catch myself and I'll be like, no, I mean, you have to practice what you preach and you have to live the way you have kind of made your convictions around. So I'll all of a sudden catch myself, and that's what this is all about. On any of these questions that you ask me about, especially when it comes to your own being. It's really just being aware and catching yourself and being conscious of deciding to either address it or to avoid it, quite honestly. And all I'm asking is try not to avoid it, try not to get defensive about it, try not to make excuses around it or play the victim. Choose to just own it, 'cause it's so empowering. Empowering when you own it, regardless of the outcome. You know, if you— and we're going to actually segue— it's segueing very nice into our next question regarding money. Talk about a way that a place and a situation and part of life that people become very passive-aggressive in, and that's money. So let's do that so we make sure that we have time to cover it. Let's go right into it. So this was short and sweet. Let's see, hold on a minute. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get ahead financially. What ideas or tips do you have for getting control of my monies? Now, I actually giggled and got really excited about this question only because as I had mentioned earlier, only because this was something that I had to address and confront and get answers to for myself. So my responses are going to be very based on— very much based on personal experience as opposed to— I would never call myself a money expert or a financial advisor, and one of my first suggestions will be that, you know, you seek out someone from that expertise level. But I will share with you what has— what I have found in my own experiences and what's worked, and therefore you can leverage. And a lot of my own experiences then came from experts that I sought out and that I engaged. So you'll— so it's a win-win for all— for everybody. So, "No matter how hard I try, I can't get ahead financially. What ideas or tips that you have?" Now, you know, I don't know about you, but you've probably read, listened, or watched books and television shows and YouTube videos and white papers and ebooks and you name it, and you haven't been able to get any of it to work for you. And if that's the case, that's when I would definitely have that suggestion of seeking out an expert. Financial advisor. There's financial coaches out there. There's money consultants out there, and you need to understand and kind of evaluate for yourself to what degree is it. Is it just about your paycheck to the bank to the bills, or is it even your investments in retirement and assets you might have and something that gets more into your portfolio, that term, and therefore, who— the person that might be best for you will depend on what it is you're trying to address. But I'll give you an example for me. I definitely had a big question. I knew I wanted— I was focused on tithing, saving, and spending. That's kind of a sequence of priority that many people will tell you that you should tithe first. Now, that's not necessarily a religious thing, though the term is tied to churches, that you tithe to your church. But quite honestly, I've looked at it for myself. The tithing is tithing to whatever cause, whatever charity, whatever mission that you might have heart in, and you decide that you want to be a regular contributor to that. So that's where you might tithe. Then you save because they always tell you save first, then spend. Save. Make sure you're putting things away. When I left corporate, people were stunned, including family members and whatnot. I had quite, quite, quite the nest. And granted, I did have a good job with a very nice salary, but I had been saving saving, uh, probably because I had my first, um, well, I had my first job at 14 and I was already saving, but I had my first corporate job where I had a 401 when I was still in college. Actually, I was like a freshman in college. And, uh, so I immediately, um, I was raised by a father who went through the Depression and he basically did everything in cash. So and he basically taught us to save. He wasn't very instrumental in kind of monitoring that, ensuring that we're doing it, but there was a lot of conversation around it. So I immediately went to my employer and I said, okay, when can I start contributing to my 401? So I had been saving since I was 18, and so that was, kind of natural for me was to always save first and then spend. But you get into, you know, I leave corporate, you get into life, you get into putting everything on the line for your following your dreams, and the next thing you know, you know, you feel you don't have a dime to save. Everything has to go out, like this individual, um, everything goes out and nothing ever gets saved. Well, I only in the last 4 or 5 years had it get to a point where I said no, regardless of whether I'm putting everything back into the business and, and what I call investing in the business, I do need to put something aside. Doesn't matter, you know, the bills, doesn't matter, the, the expenses, doesn't matter. I have to put something aside. I have to protect my, you know, my future, my retirement, my own security. So tithe, save, and then you spend. Um, and so I was, you know, kind of going through that 4 or 5 years ago, and it just so happened that I saw a, it wasn't a Facebook ad, but it was something that came across one of my streams, maybe even LinkedIn, of a financial coach who offered 15-minute, 30-minute type of consultations. And I thought, 15 minutes, great. It was like, I don't know how much money it was, it was like $30, $35 investment, consider that an investment, Money is all about how you talk to yourself. Money is all about, you know, how you perceive it and what you believe in. And so if you're having a challenge with your belief systems, with your old conversations that you have had since childhood, change your conversation. So, you know, one of the, one of those ways to do that is the, the whole, you know, difference between cost, expense, spend, and invest. And when you're putting things into your business or into your career or into your you know, life, you know, look at them as investments. Now, not everything is. Going to McDonald's is not investing in your nutrition. That's just kind of, you know, making an excuse for yourself. But look at it as investing. Look at it as abundance as opposed to desperation. Look at it as you're, you know, you're investing even in your bills. You're investing in having power. You're investing in cable television. You're investing in, you know, making sure you have water and making sure you have food. So it's just a matter of changing your language. But anyway, so I saw this 15-minute opportunity, and I thought, I just have this one question about this tithing, saving, spending. I'm going to get on a phone call with this expert. And I'll tell you, that 15 minutes, that $30, $35, whatever it was, was the most instrumental, value-packed investment I had ever made. And it set me off in a, in a direction. Not to say that I didn't struggle you know, in the 4 or 5 years, um, from a financial perspective. But it gave me some— just like we tried to hear, we do hear— tips, advice, even some tough love from her as far as what I would need to do if I really truly wanted to get, um, beyond, you know, a financial struggle mentality, and/or not even mentality but reality. So that's what I would also say to this individual, or said to this individual, is If you've tried everything, if you've read everything, if you've watched and you still haven't, you know, been successful in reaching the goal that you have, reach out to an expert. You can do it very inexpensively. You could do it very without great investment of your time or your money. Like I said, 15 minutes, $35, well worth it. Be sure you have the questions in mind that you want to ask though, the real questions, not the, oh, I feel insecure. And I, you know, I feel prideful about disclosing my, my, you know, desperation, I'll call it, uh, to somebody else. Well, get over it. Screw it. Because that's probably your biggest issue, is that you are feeling desperate, and that's what's impacting your ability to be open and, and, um, able to take hard advice, take— make sacrifices, make compromises. So, engage. If you've read, listened, watched, but haven't implemented any of the tips or strategies, maybe you rolled your eyes at it, maybe you said, "No, it's too hard," maybe you didn't want to sit down and track your expenses, you know, on a daily basis, well then, stop making excuses and just do it. Give yourself 7 days to try 1 or 3 things, pick 1 or 3 things, work at them, try them for 7 days. 7 days. It's not a lifetime, it's 7 days. And see where you're at at the end of the week. Track it on a daily basis. Track your emotions. Track your perceptions of it. Track your progress. Track your lack of progress. Track the results. And at the end of 7 days, then go on and move on to the next 1 to 3 tips or strategies. But, you know, just don't throw your hands up and say, oh, nothing works, all this is bogus. There's a lot of money and very successful money people out there who will prove you wrong in that regard. Now I want to get something in because I just noticed the time. This was another thing that, that this financial coach had given me several years ago, and I still use it today. I still use it today when I find myself loosey-goosey when it comes to the abundance and the, and the financial stability I want to have. So this is what I do. I'll track every day, and I track in writing. I don't track on apps. I track in my handwriting what I'm spending, where I'm investing, what I'm tithing. And it— my first thing is, if I track every, every day, if I track on a particular day, I bonus myself $5. I give myself $5 a day for when I actually spent 15 minutes or an hour, whatever it is, on my monies, on my finances, on my budget, on my savings, and I actually bonus myself $5. Then the next thing I do is if I spent money on McDonald's or going having a beer or something useless, I pay myself back at the end of the week. I keep track of those things and I pay myself back. So now I'm getting a bonus and I'm paying myself back for the things that I should not have spent it on Now, I don't pay myself back for things I invested in that have ROI attached to them. I just pay myself back on those things that were kind of careless or useless or not necessary. So, let's see, because I want to finish this, and I see that our episode might have ended, but we are still recording, so you're going to get a little bonus here. And let's see, and you have to spend money to make money. We won't have time to get into that, but those would be the tips that I would have if you are, if you are dealing with a financial situation. But the key too is it's all about attitude. It's all about what you're telling yourself. It's all about the words that you're using. It's all about whether you're keeping yourself open to abundance or you're closed off because you're desperate. Separate. So shift. Okay? All right. Next week we're talking to August Cruz about stalking. And he's going to provide some tips and advice in regards to how to just make sure that you're paying attention to cues of maybe a situation that might not be stalking, but might get you into some trouble. So that's what we'll talk about next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. I want to thank everybody for being here and look forward to having you right back here next week. Take care, everybody. Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.