Ask Me Anything with Bernadette Boas

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Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at BlogTalkRadio.com. On Shedding the Bitch, or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back. 818-572-2910. Good day, good day, good day everyone. It appears BlackTalk still doesn't like me. We got disconnected, but this is Bernadette Boas and this is Ask Bernadette Boas, and I'm very excited that you're here. You're here, you're here, you're here, because we do have a couple of very interesting questions that I thought would definitely benefit many of you, if not all of you, because I'm sure this comes up in one way or another in your world. But before we get to that, I just wanted to remind you of our previous episodes. Last week's episode was all about visualizing versus believing. So basically, the real reason for having that conversation was, you know, I'll often feel, and I get a lot of questions and discussions from clients about the fact that they say, I can visualize, but yet my goals and my plans that I have defined and put into place aren't materializing, and it's been weeks, months, even years sometimes. And so the whole discussion was about the next level beyond visualizing that each one of us needs to put in place in order to realize our dreams, and that is really believing in what it is that you're dreaming about. So that was last week's discussion, and it brought up a lot of things for me as well as from what I can tell through some of the emails I've received for you as well. So check out that episode out on blogtalkradio.com. You can also find it on Apple Podcasts and/or our sheddingthebitch.com radio page. Go to sheddingthebitch.com, scroll down, you'll see the radio link. And you can find it there. Immediately before that, the week prior, we had another great conversation with Catherine Kerrigan. She's a 9-time number 1 bestseller. She is a medical intuitive healer, and she is just a beautiful person inside and out. And so we talked about her latest book, The Little Book of Breathwork. And I have to tell you, I had committed back on that call that I spend the next 30 days reading it myself, working on it, and seeing what changes, what, what improvements, what health, what strong mindset it provides. And I can tell you, and I won't go into it today, we'll discuss it in another 2 weeks, I guess, after the 30 days. But it is body, mind, soul, and life-changing. So I want you to check out that interview as well. That was both an audio interview as well as it was videotaped. She was here in the studio, and it is out on our Shedding the Bits YouTube channel, and we've been sharing it on Facebook and Twitter as well. So check out that. Uh, some other previous discussions were— was about, uh, shedding. I get a lot of conversations about Bernadette, I understand shedding the bitch, but what does it really mean? How do you go about doing it? That kind of thing. So we had a whole conversation about shedding. We've talked about betrayal and how that sucks, but once you shed it, you are a whole different person and you can move on with your life. And then we did get kind of tactical in that I often get, even this time of year, career questions about interviewing—how best to prepare, how best to execute the interview, and then what to do after the interview. But we took it one step further and said, okay, what do you need to do once you're hired and onboarded? Because the best thing you could do is be a great employee. For your employer. So we talked about all of that as well. Again, you can go to Apple Podcasts, blogtalkradio.com, find our Shedding the Bitch radio page, and you can go to sheddingthebitch.com for all of our previous episodes. Uh, I'm not— I want to do a shout out, and I would like all of us to just take even 5 seconds. It is radio, um, but I really want everyone to put out their prayers and their thoughts and their well wishes to all of those in the path of Dorian. And whether or not you're directly being hit by it, and yes, we are praying for your safety, as well as those on the edges being kind of confronted with it. And I'll go as far as those that are far away and are opening their doors and providing assistance and support. Not necessarily first responders, but the responders in any way, shape, or form. We all in the Shedding the Bits community want to send our prayers and our thoughts, our angels and our gods, towards you to bless you and to keep you safe during this very trying time. All right, so as I mentioned, we have a couple of questions and Keep in mind, I am live. It is about 12:07 Eastern time. I am live, and you could also call me 1-818-572-2910 and talk to me directly live. You can even post out on Facebook, our Shannon the Bitch page. I am watching that, and I mentioned that I was live, and if you posted your question, uh, I would pay attention there and include it in our conversation today and then also share with you back onto that post tips and advice and sometimes tough love because every once in a while we can all use it. In regards to any career question you might have, a life question you might have, a relationship question, your own business question. Conflict, question, whatever the case might be. If I can't answer it directly as what I would consider a subject matter expert or an expert as a whole, then I will let you know that and be sure to get you the support and the advice that you need. Now the big point here is just reach out and ask for that help. All right? All right. We're going to dive into the first question since we didn't have a lot of updates and rich news to share with you. So let's get into this first question because it is quite involved, and I want each of you to put yourself into this individual's shoes because I'm sure in some way, shape, or form this has happened to you. So let me preface it by saying this: this is a communications question, and communication is what I have found over the last, especially 10 years, 99% of our life. It's 99% of our happiness. It's 99% of our realities, the dreams that we create and we achieve. It is everything. And let me explain why I believe that. It starts from everything from internal to external. So internal is your belief system. How you talk to yourself, whether you're consciously aware of it or not, how you take in experiences and events and traumas and tragedies and joys and riches and bitches, everything, how you are internalizing that and taking that in and communicating to yourself is exact— is who you are and what you're then going to be putting out in the world. All right, so that's at the deepest level. And if you really want to understand who you are, let alone what you've been able to achieve or not achieve, obtain or not obtain, uh, experience or not experience, then just all you need to do is really look deep, and I'm talking deep. It's not, it's not a phantom when someone says that they repressed something for so long and all of a sudden, days, weeks, months, years, decades later, they're, they're being confronted by it. So if you really, really want to understand who you are and who you want to be, then you need to do a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of digging. And then, you know, as we say in our Shift to Riches formula, is to discover all of that, confront it— good, bad, or indifferent— and then work on shedding what you don't want and keeping what you do, so you can then create and accelerate the riches in life that you deserve. So that's our whole shifting from bitch to rich and our Shift to Riches formula. So you have to dig deep in communication. Is everything from our thoughts. In my world, it's everything from the thoughts and the feelings that we have and the words that we use to ourselves. Then the next level is what you put out there. And, and I— when I say that, I mean from your, uh, physical looks. Now I'm not talking whether, you know, you're dressed up or dressed down, but more so, you know, the facial expressions you use the body language, your physical behavior, all of that. As well as then it turns into your verbal communication, but it's also nowadays with social media, with texting, with emails, it's also and more importantly your written communication. Now keep in mind on the kind of a higher level from you digging deep and it's all internal. Keep in mind the law of attraction— what that says: like attracts like. And what that means is if you put out light, you're going to get back light; if you put out love, you're gonna get back love; if you put out joy, you're gonna get back joy; if you put out giving, you're gonna get back in receiving. On the flip side of that, if you put out hate, you're gonna get back hate; if you put out misery, you're gonna get back misery; if you put out negativity, you're gonna get back get back negativity. If you put out desperation, you're going to get back desperation. So that is kind of that next level of communication, is now what are you projecting out into the world, and therefore what are you getting back. So when you do that kind of evaluation of, um, what your world looks like, uh, the reality is it looks like exactly what you're giving it. All right, so that's the other level of communication. Then there comes this, you know, this communication which is direct verbal or written that, you know, the words that you use. Now the words that you use are going to be reflecting, reflected from your attitude, your emotional state of mind, your being. So, it's even that much more important to really not only to first shift yourself mentally, physically, spiritually, all— in all areas of your life, but you also want to do it to where even if you have to fake it till you make it, and we talked about that on our last program, you— if you want to go out and be productive and effective and get results. If you're not feeling it, you need to fake it until you do, and you need to work on that mental, emotional shift that needs to happen in order for you to get to that place, because it is going to be reflected in everything that you do. Now, one thing before we get on to this question, but one last point I want to make is this too. So people have said to me if I were to eat— I can't even consider that you were ever a bitch, Bernadette, uh, if they were to, you know, go back to 10, 12, 15, 20 years ago. I can't even imagine you being a bitch because you never come off that way today. And even— I got a lovely compliment over the weekend from a new group of people that I was hanging out with, and one of the women were like, I love your spirit. Uh, well, keep in mind something. That didn't happen overnight. So I say that because I want you to be sure you're patient and kind to yourself as you're trying and working through, you know, these shifts that you're wanting to make in order to kind of achieve what it is that you want in life. It doesn't happen overnight. And it doesn't mean you never have a bad day again. So when, you know, gurus are talking about how, how self-aware and authentic and transparent and woo-woo they are, it doesn't mean that they don't have a crappy shitty day. It doesn't mean that they don't wake up with an attitude and they aren't able to fake it or they aren't able to shift it. It doesn't mean that they don't have tragedies or heartaches or hardships happened to them that caused them to then take on bitches that they previously have had already shed. It doesn't mean that. Life is ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's drastic highs and lows. And what at least we're attempting to do here in the Shedding the Bitch community is give you the tools that you can use to then combat it. More effectively going forward, as opposed to starting from scratch. We're giving you the tools that you can use to make it easier, those ebbs and flows, those highs and lows, easier to deal with, and you know, and you're empowered, and you're knowledgeable as to how to deal with them when they come up again. All right? Okay. So, I'm going to take a little time check here. All right, so we're going to dive right into this question because I promised it to you about 10 minutes ago. And then we'll take a break. All right, so the question to me was this, and then actually I will disclose it's a client, but I have changed names to maintain their confidentiality. How do I handle a peer at work who was insulted by something I said, but then disrespected me and even shamed me on an email with a bunch of people? On it? And how do I not let it bother me when it happens? All right, how do I handle a peer at work who was insulted by something I said? Now this is going to actually transition from being a verbal said, and it was actually via email, and then disrespected me and shamed me on an email which included a whole bunch of other people. So think about it for yourself. Has your email communication been misinterpreted? And/or it was appropriately misinterpreted because maybe you didn't take the time to think about and put yourself in someone else's shoes as to whether or not, as to whether or not what you're saying and how you're saying it is going to garner productivity and a result, as opposed to creating havoc and creating, um, in, in her words, disrespect and shame and insult. All right, so I want you to think about that, and especially when it comes to your emails and your texts versus your verbal. We'll get to that afterwards, but you're in your emails and texts. So think about that. We are going to take a break. When we come back, I'll dive into and give you exactly this stream of emails and my advice and tips back to her. And yes, I did have to give her some tough love back to her in this situation. All right, we'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette Boas' book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to NGTaxSolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at media relations questions@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back, everyone. Today is Ask Bernadette. This is our monthly first Tuesday of every month program episode where I actually take your questions, stories, and challenges, whether it has to do with your career, business, or any aspect of your life, and I provide you some tips, advice, and sometimes some tough love. And we all could use it sometimes. And there is some tough love in this first question that I posed you before we went on break, but I'll repeat it. The question to me was this: How do I handle a peer at work who was insulted by something I said, but then disrespected me and shamed me on an email with a bunch of people on it? And then a follow-up question to me on that same email was: How do I not let it bother me? When it happens? How do I not let it bother me when it happens? All right, so I mentioned that this is a client, and I'm going to call her Joe for the sake of confidentiality, and I stripped down a lot of the, a lot of the content, but left the meat of it, which is, you know, what you're most, most interested in, in regards to this happening. Now, I said at the top of the hour this is all about communication. Now, people, you know, immediately say communication is verbal. Nowadays it's verbal, it's written, and written today is emails and texts, not just written in, you know, correspondence and reports and all that kind of good stuff. Emails and texts, which in this world, fast world, it is preferred over phone. And this is going to be an example to all of you as to when you need to decide that emails and texts aren't, are not the best method of communication. All right, and that's a key thing I want you to be thinking about as we discuss this. All right, so like I said, the client is Joe. She, okay, she received an email. I left out one section of an email. She first received an email asking for a status of a report. And some background on it is this was a report that had been discussed multiple times in the, you know, previous days and couple of weeks. And now she's getting another email in regards to it asking about it. And so she responds, "All," so she's directing it to obviously a group of people, "We have the reports needed, and as noted earlier, we won't need it until a shipment is placed. Why do we keep having this conversation?" Her— The peer that she sent it to, who was the to, not the CC, but the to, let's call him Bill. He responds in this email with a whole group of people on it. You need to relax and be respectful to people here. Tom asked a simple question. Your previous answer was not understood. There is absolutely no reason to reply in such a manner. Feel free to call me if you need to discuss. All right, there was a lot in there. So think about what would you have done had you even received the initial email regarding, for maybe the second, third, fourth time, a question that has been asked previously. And her statement was, why do you keep having— why do we keep having this conversation? And he first responds with, "You need to relax and be respectful to people here," and the rest of it, which I had just said. And keep in mind, it was to a group of people. So we stopped there before she showed me the rest of the stream of information. And we had a brief conversation, and I told her that she should be prepared for some tough love. As well as if I was talking to her peer, I'd give him some tough love as well. But let's keep going. So he ends his, "You need to relax and be respectful," with, "Feel free to call me if you need to discuss." She goes on to reply via email to the entire group, so hit Reply All. Bill, sorry you interpreted my simple question as disrespectful. I've answered the same question several times this month and in your monthly meetings. If there is something you don't understand about the process, please feel free to contact me. Thanks, Joe. Alright, are you following this? I'm going to keep going because I want to kind of group all of the feedback that I have for her together. Alright, so her response in regards to, sorry you interpreted my simple question as disrespectful. Her response provoked another email from Bill with everybody on it that said, "This is exactly what Tom did, contacted you for clarification. Your brash response to a simple question is counterproductive and unappreciated." So, a stream of about 3, no, about 4 or 5 emails, 'cause I left out the lead-in one. Asking about this report. And it ended, at the time of which she then reached out to me to say, help, I need some advice. It ended with Bill saying, your brash response to a simple question is counterproductive and unappreciated. Now, if you've ever worked with me or listened to this program over the last, you know, several years, you'll know that I am very, very detail-oriented where I nitpick and pull apart your communication because, again, words matter and what you say and how you say it, written or verbal, emails, texts, or correspondence of any kind, really needs to be thoughtful. Because it's going to be a projection of your mood, attitude, emotions, everything that we talked about earlier. So I pulled it apart for her so she fully understand— understood kind of how— where this went wrong, where this went off the rails, how it should be handled appropriately. So, um, I told her starting from the very beginning, her initial question in her email back to them would and did get taken in an offensive way. It was interpreted as offensive. And I told her I would have interpreted it that way as well. Why do we keep having this conversation? With her ending statement. There are, you know, think about it, there are so many different ways that she or you could say something like that. Yes, you're tired, you're exhausted, you're stressed out over answering the same question, you know, multiple times, whether it be in meetings verbally face-to-face or via emails. You know, it's understandable that you'd be frustrated if you're being asked the same question over and over and over again. But obviously, if you're being asked the question over and over again, then they may have a problem understanding, but you also may be confusing or not understanding their question. To where your information back to them is confused or isn't thorough or isn't accurate. So you can't jump to the, you know, to the defense in claiming that it's their issue and not yours because especially via email or text, your information could be confusing, could be incomplete, could be inaccurate based on their knowledge. So there's so many other ways one can ask, why do we keep having this conversation? The first thing I would have said is, you know, she could stipulate that we, you know, we've talked about this previously, outlined what it was that was discussed. What more, you know, what more can I tell you that to help you understand what this, you know, what it is that you're looking for. Or what is it about this report you still don't understand, or I can explain in more detail. There's so many different angles that can be taken to say the same thing, and even, even stress that you've had the question multiple times. You could even take responsibility and say, Obviously, we've had this conversation multiple times, and, you know, there's still some confusion. What can we do in order to, you know, to rectify that as quickly as possible? How about jumping on a phone call and let's discuss it so we get all the questions answered upfront and directly, and then I can even document it and send it back to everybody. For clarification, full clarification. There's so many different ways that that could have been handled. All right, so that's what I had mentioned to her in regards to that, because that wording, "Why do we keep having this conversation?" is a very defensive and therefore offensive statement. I mean, it immediately would put, you know, hairs up on my neck. Alright, so let's move on to his response. So his response being, "You need to relax and be respectful to people here. Tom asked a simple question. Your previous answer was not understood. There's absolutely no reason to reply in such a manner." I'm going to address that part of it first, and then there's a closing sentence there. Alright, so this was her peer, and who responded in this way. Well, I had told her he was totally off the mark as well. Now granted, he might have wanted to respond with everybody on the email so they know, maybe his teammates, that, that he's defending them, he's standing up for them, he's supporting them. However, he immediately, uh, went wrong in that he should have just picked up the phone and called her. He didn't— and/or he needed to remove everybody on the email and email her only. He even could reply to everybody and say, Joe, I'm going to, you know, call you or email you directly, and then we'll get the information back to the group. So he totally went off the mark as well in that he, you know, replied in such a way, very offensively, with everybody on the, on the email. Now he ends the email with, feel free to call me if you need to discuss. So he did do the appropriate thing in, in opening the door for her, but he also could have picked up the phone and called her. Now she responds, Bill, sorry you interpreted my simple question as disrespectful. I've answered this same question several times this month and in your monthly meeting. Now, tough love. She went off the rails there because, one, he gave her an opening. He said, feel free to call me. She should have picked up the phone and called him. You should pick up the phone and call people. If there is a disagreement or you can see a conflict, you know, all of a sudden being created or brewing, Obviously, your communications via written is not working, and therefore you need to hit it straight on, pick up the phone, and call somebody. All right, so one, that's what she should have done, and where she went off the rails is then responding via email. Now the other thing, she, you know, she then offended again by saying, sorry, you interpret my simple question as disrespectful. There's a big difference between "I'm sorry" and "sorry." "Sorry" is very casual. "Sorry" is very almost like you don't really mean it. You're just saying it because you feel obligated to do so. "I'm sorry" or "I am sorry" or "I apologize," you know, has more depth and more meaning to it. But then she used the word "Sorry you interpreted my simple question." She threw back his words. He mentioned— Tom asked a simple question, and she threw that back saying, "Sorry you interpreted my simple question as disrespectful." Well, just taking the word simple out of that would have minimized any angst. And additional angst. Now, she also made the mistake, too, that she included everybody back on that email. You know, there comes a point, and it's not deep into any, you know, dialogue, when a conflict is brewing, you stop. You take everybody out that's not involved in the, you know, the conflict off of it, and you go direct to it. All right, so that's where this whole thing started going haywire. And then, of course, that response had Tom— I'm sorry, Bill— sending another response with everybody on it that said, "Your brash response to a simple question is counterproductive and unappreciated." But, you know, but he never saw that his responses were also counterproductive and unappreciated. So keep in mind, you know, consider your words. When I write an email of any kind and a text of any kind, especially if it's, you know, if it's my sister, it's one thing, or my best friend, it's one thing. If it's a peer or a boss or a colleague, client or vendor, I look over that thing multiple times to ensure that whatever I'm communicating, I don't care how short or how in-depth, is productive, is going to get the end result that I'm looking for, is going to add value, is going to be useful. When you don't look it over and one word can screw up the whole effectiveness of your communications, well, then you just spent time that you're not going to get back, and you could, like in this case, offend someone. Now, I have to note that, you know, here he opened the, the, the opportunity for her to call him. Instead of calling him, who is Bill, she called Tom. To ensure he wasn't offended and he didn't, you know, feel off-put and all that kind of good stuff. So Tom's the one that had asked the question, but it wasn't the one who was sending these emails out to a group. She took the time to pick up the phone and call him, but that was— that was fine that she did that, but that was premature. She needed to pick up the phone and call Bill and have a conversation with him. So then she asked me, okay, fine, I, you know, I get that, thank you very much. No one likes, you know, no one likes to, to offend anyone and, and now deal with an uncomfortable conversation. What can I do differently? What can I be saying on this call to make sure it's productive and that I don't offend and that, you know, we don't rehash everything and it's just a conflict versus a productive conversation. So I was happy that she recognized that she should ask. So actually, I'm gonna end it there. I'm gonna take a break. I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna tell you what I told her and how she positioned this conversation. And keep in mind, how would you, how would you, based on this back and forth emails with all these people involved, Now you've, you know, reached out to have a phone call with this individual. How would you now approach the conversation with him in order to make sure that it is productive and it ends well and doesn't get any more offensive or you don't get any more defensive as a result of this back and forth? All right. We'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon SheddingTheBitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate size clients. Go to NGTaxSolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium size businesses. Email deborahparker@ deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. We are addressing your career, business, and life questions on our monthly Ask Bernadette episode. It's the first Tuesday of every month and you can post your questions, stories, or challenges out on our Shedding the Bitch Facebook or Twitter pages. You can also email me, BernadetteBoas@sheddingthebitch.com. And where most of you communicate and email me for advice is on LinkedIn. Just go to my profile page, actually connect with me, LinkedIn with me, and send your question privately as a direct message. All right, and then I'd be more than happy to get you some information back. You know, at my earliest convenience. All right? Okay, so we are talking about a SPAT, a communication SPAT via email, and this could be text as well, that now needs to get addressed and needs to be confronted verbally. It needs to get confronted one-on-one, and it needs to get resolved in a very productive and effective way. So my client, we're calling her Joe, asked me for advice on how she should have that conversation. Now keep in mind something. A lot of us, majority of us, don't like conflict. So we have a difficult time dealing with conflict, confronting conflict, and are nervous and anxious about even how to open up a conversation. Because what you don't want to do is you don't want it to spiral downwards when you confront conflict. You actually want to get to a resolution that is good for both parties. So this is kind of a hot potato, what we call hot potato in consulting work. You know, it's kind of a, you know, you have the hot potato and then you toss it to them and give them something and then they toss it back to you and give you something. And it works out for everybody. All right, so I'm going to read to you exactly what I told her in regards to how she needs to approach this phone call that she's now going to have with Bill, the one that she had this email spat with. So I mentioned to her to start off with social small talk. Hi, how are you? You could talk about how crazy work— the workload is. She was going into the Labor Day weekend, so you could, you know, talk about Labor Day. Just keep it very light and very collaborative, very teaming, very supportive of one another, and very personal because it is personal. When you offend or insult somebody and then they, you know, throw it back at you, it's very personal. So then I had mentioned to her is she needs to be direct in her apology. If she's very sincere about that apology, she needs to be direct about it. She can, you know, in numerous ways she can say, "If I offended you in any way, that was so not my intention." Now, once she apologizes, she needs to stop and leave it there. What you don't want to do is you don't want to rehash what went on. You don't want to rehash the issue. You just simply want to acknowledge the apology, you know, and hopefully they acknowledge it back, and then just stop there. Make it about the apology because that's what it's about. It's not about the spat that went on back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Now, I did suggest to her that if he— and in your case it might be just another, you know, the other party— if they did want to dig into the issue, I just said to her, restrain yourself. Just kind of hold back. Let them spew because if they were offended and insulted, they may need to just vent and need you because they need your understanding. They need you to be compassionate. They need you to not only apologize, but they need you to almost acknowledge, which is your apology by the way, but is to acknowledge that. So if they were to rehash it themselves, that's fine, let them. Don't fall into it. Don't start defending yourself. Don't start rehashing the situation. Just let it go. Like, let them go. And then just say, is there anything else? You know, is there, you know, is there anything else we need to be discussing? Is there any other issues? Then you can move on to how best— obviously, acknowledge, obviously our communications via email went off the rails. How best could we handle these situations? Don't use provoking words like confront or conflict or whatever. Use productive words. So how can we approach this differently going forward that's most productive and most effective for everybody? And ask for— this is the hot potato— ask for their input, ask for their advice, make it a collaborative problem resolution type of conversation. All right? Then after you've done that, now, you know, somebody could be still on the defensive, and as opposed to falling into it, you just say, let's just see what we can do to find You know, an approach that works for everybody. Then after that, what you definitely want to make sure you do before you get off the phone is you want to make sure everybody, you know, he or she is good with you and that you're good with them. Are we good? Is there anything else? You know, somebody, you know, he did use words back to her in regards to, you know, I put this, I put it in writing because I wanted to make it official. Official. And so fortunately she did say and kind of look into and ask him about what does that mean. You know, did you put it in writing, you know, to report it to HR? Did you put it in writing for, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, so really understand from that person what their, you know, motivations and thoughts were in regards to that. At the same time, what I mentioned to her, and I'll mention to you, is if you too were offended or you too didn't appreciate the fact that, you know, it was communicated back to a whole group of people, you need to let them know that. Well, you know, I'll acknowledge that I was, you know, I was in the wrong not to pick up the phone and call you. At the same time, I didn't appreciate that you, you know, responded with everybody on it in such a negative tone as well. So can we come to an agreement that, you know, in the future, one of us will pick up the phone and/or will remove others from the conversation? Make it, again, it's a collaborative hot potato, make it, you know, both of you are working toward an appropriate resolution. You could say you felt as if you wanted it documented. Okay. And, you know, again, that official— I wanted to make it official. You can kind of touch on the fact that, well, you know, that disappoints me that you, you know, felt you needed to do that as opposed to coming to me directly. You're not in the wrong just because you too screwed up. You've acknowledged that by apologizing. Now, he too was in the wrong, and she needs to, you know, and/or you would need to highlight that to them where they were in the wrong. Now, if it's just you, you apologizing, you looking for a resolution, you asking for their input on, you know, an approach for going forward, you asking if everything is good, is there anything else we need to talk about, that, that, you know, should take care of it. And some people, paranoid just like this, you know, person was, if you need to make it official, you could respond back saying, hey, You know, Bill, thank you for that great phone call and conversation. I'm glad, you know, we both came to, you know, an agreement on an approach going forward. I appreciate your time. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you would hope that that verbal word communication is a good handshake and that it's not going to be used against you going forward. All right, make sense? Just keep in mind, please, you know, emails and texts can be greatly misinterpreted. One word, you know, we tend to acronym everything nowadays. We tend to shorten everything nowadays. I'm sure when she said sorry, she meant I apologize, I am sorry. Yet that, you know, clipping off that part of it, clipping off the I am part of it and making it so casual, it kind of takes a lot of weight out of your communications. So again, words matter. Please, please, please keep that in mind. All right. Oh, I do want to end this conversation or end this question. With the results. So I always ask my clients to let me know, how did things go? Did it work? Did it not work? You know, and what did work, what didn't work, that kind of thing. It's just an effective way of ensuring that whatever coaching and advice, in this case I'm providing, it's instrumental and valuable to my client. So she followed up with me saying the conversation went fantastic. Thank you, you know, for your help, your support. I used your advice and even, you know, your words, and, you know, you were 100% correct about letting him talk. I didn't feel the need to mention the part of, you know, either one of us looking bad. And he went on to share stuff. This is key. He went on to share stuff of where, you know, where he's in the process and the help that he he needs. That's what you want. His frustration in her email wasn't necessarily about her. It was about his own frustration and his own cry for help. You know, we agreed we need to communicate better and we decided to meet on blah, blah, blah, blah before the start of a sales dinner. So now they're going to have an opportunity to come face-to-face and meet and sit down and discuss and collaborate on, you know, ways to improve the relationship going forward. Couldn't ask for a better result. Couldn't ask for a better result. However, she then ended her email to me, and this came to— this comes to the second part of her question to me about, um, how do I not let it bother me. So she ended it with saying, I think Bill's email affected me more than I wanted to admit. Thanks for putting up with the crazy— the crazies yesterday. You know what, someone going on the attack towards you, that hurts. I mean, some of us are better at deflecting than others, and it wouldn't bother them, and/or if it does, it's just a little sting or a pinch and then we move on. Others take it in. Remember at the top of the hour we talked about communication, taking things in, and then how are you talking to yourself, how are you reacting to yourself? How are you managing yourself? And in this case, she's acknowledging the fact that that banter or that smackdown email stream affected her and, and, you know, impacted her more than, you know, she, she thought or wanted to admit. My response to her was this, and it would be to you as well. First, Great job, awesome, I said to her. And I went on to say, it's okay for it to affect you because it is. It's okay to feel what you're feeling— good, bad, or indifferent. It's okay. Where you really want to pay attention to is you want those joys to last. You want that happiness to last. You want that smile. You want that euphoria. You want that orgasm. You want all of those wonderful feelings to, to last. You don't want the pain, the hurt, the disappointment, the shame, the disrespect, the ugliness. You don't want the sadness, the loss. You don't want that to last. So what you do want to find and have in your toolkit are things that you could be doing to— and in this case, She did let it affect her, but she got on the phone, you know, and on email immediately to me as her coach, as her sounding board, as her mentor and her supporter, and she worked through it. She acknowledged it, confronted it, she shed it, and she moved on and created a great partnership now with this individual. And that's all I would want for you as well. All right? Okay, I think that's it for that particular question, but based on the fact that we have about 5 minutes left, I do want to hit on the second question. So let's take a deep breath first and just take in all of that from that previous conversation, because words matter, communications matter. So definitely feel free to replay this, um, this episode, this podcast, and take, really take in and think about your own communications, especially via email and text, and then see what you can learn from this situation, this scenario that I, that I painted for you. All right, so this was because of the fact that multiple clients reached out to me. I put their question out onto Facebook. And I got several responses back, and I wanted to share with you those tips and pieces of advice that I gave, and hopefully they'll benefit you as they did them. So the Facebook post that I posted on Shedding the Bitch on Facebook was this: Multiple clients this past week asked me about goal setting and prioritizing them. They're struggling with defining and deciding the importance of one over the other. Stating to me they're all top priority. So then I went on to ask you via Facebook, what do you struggle with when it comes to prioritizing and holding yourself and others to only the priorities? Let me know. And I got a couple of responses. One was from Shelley. She wrote that she struggles with limiting timeframes per project and avoiding interruptions. Then I got another response, and it said, "Remembering small steps count. Often I don't appreciate the small steps." So let me break down and give you the advice that I gave them. So if you struggle with prioritizing, and maybe you say to yourself, all of them are important, all of them are number one, all of them are top priority. Well, they're not, is going to be my first thing. There is always one thing more important than the other. So you have to start asking yourself a hell of a lot of questions in order for you to break down and get to that number one. All right? So for Shelley, I said in regards to limiting timeframes, I mentioned to her that she should break any projects into quarters and then work in 30-minute increments. Just, and I would suggest that to you too. If you're overwhelmed by the amount of work that you have or the amount of to-dos on your list or the amount of number ones, then pick the number one and start working on it. Give yourself 30 minutes to work on it. No less, no more. Now, you might find the energy by the end of the 30 minutes to where you want to continue working on it, and that's awesome. But if in any way, shape, or form you're feeling, you know, angst or you're feeling stressful about the other things on your list, then give yourself 30 minutes on those things. Remember, even what the other individual said, you know, appreciating the small steps. 30 minutes is your small step. All right? Then I had mentioned, when it comes to anything in regards to priorities and working on them, is you have to totally avoid interruptions as much as possible in order for you to get your priorities done. Because I'll tell you what, if you allow interruptions to affect you, then whatever it is that you're working on is not a priority. Because if it was a priority, then you would do anything that you needed to do in order to shut out the world and get it done. So I said to turn off notifications, turn off messages, close any doors, put your phone away, put it in a box, put it in a drawer, put it in a handbag. More importantly, don't accept interruption. Someone knocks at your door, you put up your hand and say, "Not now." If your boss picks up the phone and calls you, then ignore it. Ignore it. And send them a note saying, "I have 30 minutes to get this thing done. I'll get back to you." You have to make it a priority. Priority means it matters to you. Now, in regards to the small steps I mentioned, is you need to appreciate small steps. You need to realize that small steps lead to big accomplishments. So, just take a minute, sit back, and really appreciate those small victories that you're making, because those small victories are leading to bigger things. And we all need to honor the great work that we're doing, not only the big wows, but the simple ahas. All right? And then what I will do is I will post the type of questions you need to ask yourself in order to really get down to your priorities if you're challenged in any way, shape, or form with breaking 3 top number 1 priorities. All right. Woo! All right. That was our Ask Bernadette episode. It's the first Tuesday of every month, and we welcome you to join us and post your stories, questions, and challenges out onto our Facebook or Twitter pages. As well, you can send them to me directly at BernadetteBoas@sheddingthebits.com. As well as directly through LinkedIn. I am so appreciated— appreciative of you being here, and I look forward to talking with you next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Have a rich and prosperous week, everybody.

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Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift Your Bitches to Riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.