Be the CEO of your life and career with Dr. Stephanie D. Barnes

Good day, good day, good day everyone. You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio and yes, I'm Bernadette Boas. But if you're watching us on YouTube tomorrow, we are recording the program and in the studio I have my guest Dr. Stephanie Barnes. How are you?

Oh, I am wonderful.

Beautiful. You can call her Dr. Steph. All right, so what are we talking about today?

Drum roll, please.

We're going to talk about recognizing the CEO in you, in all aspects of you. So using her experiences in both business and life— and we love talking both areas— Dr. Stephanie Barnes shares tools and strategies to help women elevate their life and career. Whether you report to a CEO or are the CEO of your own business, you are the CEO of your life, and you need to take of it. Stephanie shares strategies to help you capitalize on your most powerful asset, the power of choice, to get to the next level and the C-suite. Get to the C-suite of your life, business, whatever the situation might be. So you're going to hear today, and pay attention because then I'll give you your rich quest— rich question for the day is how to be the CEO of your life. What does that mean? What does it look like? And what adjustments do you need to make in order to achieve that. How to be more deliberate in creating the lives and the careers that you desire and deserve, and how to embrace collaborative competition, ladies. Collaborative, that means nice, that means engaging, that means supportive, that means, you know, not all the other argh type of things. To build alliances in the workplace and marketplace, and how to live life in the end, A-N-D, and how to live life in the and. I found that very interesting, very intriguing. So your rich question for today, and then I'll give you a rich tag so you can tweet and Facebook with us. Deborah's out there. She's not feeling really well, everyone, so maybe you want to do a shout out and say, oh, feel better, Deborah. But she'll be out there and and you can hashtag with her. So the rich question we— Dr. Stephanie and I want you to be thinking about is what is that one area of your life you would like more control? You would like to be able to embrace it and really enrich it for yourself, and you want to take more control of it. What is that one area of life you'd like to be the CEO of your life? Think about it and be honest and open and acknowledge it, because self-awareness, wouldn't you agree, is key.

Yes.

And once you can acknowledge that, you know what, I'm really not thrilled with this part, or I think I could be doing better here, and you actually are honest with yourself, the world will open up to you. All right, so that's your one question. And okay, keep in mind as— keep it in mind as we talk, and I guarantee you she's going to have your answers for you. And if she doesn't, which I can't believe she wouldn't, then you can always tweet and Facebook, Shedding the Bitch, and then I'm certainly gonna give you her handles throughout the conversation so you can reach out directly to her. Your rich tags, other than Shedding the Bitch, which you can always do, shed the bitch rather, #shedthebitch, you can do CEO of Life. I love this one, See Sweet Shine, See Sweet Shine. Live the Fabulous Life. Or #RecognizeTheCEO, they're all hashtags. #RecognizeTheCEO. Alright, so when we get back, we're gonna dive into this conversation and get you to be the CEO of your life.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back everyone. Are you the CEO of your life? If not, if you don't understand what that means or how to get there, don't worry about it. We're gonna take care of it today with my guest, guess who's in studio, Dr. Stephanie Barnes. But let me share more about this wonderful woman. Using her gift of vision, Dr. Stephanie Barnes equips and empowers people to see the greatness in themselves. When people work with her, they experience a transformation from good to great, from potential to purpose, and from just getting by to joyful. When people work with her, they no longer struggle with confidence, with purpose and direction. Stephanie has a proven track record of coaching and transforming employees into high-producing leaders. Dr. Stephanie Barnes is also a published author on several topics. This is your first opportunity to go Google her and look for her books. She has been featured in the Harvard Business Review, Personal Excellence Magazine, and the Huffington Post. Dr. Barnes presented a TEDx Talk, another Google, What's in a Name? How Leadership Discourse Perpetuates Gender Bias in 2016. And she is the host on the Black CEO Morning Show. Stephanie is a woman who sees the possibility in life and embraces the opportunity to excel. She makes a way out of no— she makes a way out of no way. In 2009, when her company leadership identified that there were few women qualified For leadership positions, she created a 12-week leadership program. 5 graduating classes went through this life-changing transformational class, producing vice presidents, directors, and managers. Several others received promotions and changed their excellence trajectory. Stephanie helped them to find the leader inside. Using this experience, Stephanie now primarily works with women to help them find their voice. In the workplace and marketplace through her transformational coaching program, C-Suite Women's Network, where women learn to be the CEOs of their lives. Using lessons learned as a Harvard-educated corporate attorney, Stephanie works and helps women to create an extraordinary life and career. She and Dr. Gerald Taylor have two teenage sons, Nicholas and Marcus.

Teenage sons.

Driving her crazy, you know that. And an awesome Portuguese Wordalog Zara. Did I pronounce that right? Zara. Zara. Yes. Welcome to the program.

Thank you so much.

I love this topic. You are so welcome. When I met Dr. Stephanie, just the shine that popped off of her face, even though she even has a little glitter eyeshadow on, you could just kind of feel how she would help women, help individuals to transform and to just really find their purpose in life. So, let's start it off. So, first off, we'll get to what is a CEO of your life, but how did this all come about? There had to have been one of those aha moments.

Yes, well, you know, I used to be a corporate attorney and I was working as an executive and kind of, you know, going along in my career and I was dissatisfied for a number of reasons and I went on this quest to be a CEO and I even called up one of my mentors, and the telephone conversation was, um, I want to be a CEO, can you help me? And she was like, what? And I'm like, I want to be a CEO. And great question to ask.

Yeah, great question to ask, by the way. Don't be shy.

And she was like, of what? I was like, I don't care, I just want to be a CEO. And I went through the process, and she recommended a position for me. I didn't get the position, but I was committed to being a CEO. And, and one of the things that I started to do There's a stat out there, CEOs read 40 to 50 books a year, 4 to 5 books a month.

Around 5 o'clock in the morning.

Right. So, I was like, "Well, if I want to be a CEO, I need to get to reading." And I love reading anyway, but in the process of reading, I really began to understand it. It wasn't that I wanted the position as much as I wanted the power because a CEO makes decisions. They're the, you know, the CEO of my company, my boss. I reported to a CEO, I was a chief, but I reported to the CEO and, you know, he was the person that made all the decisions and— the buck stopped with him. Right, so what I realized was that it wasn't necessarily that I was looking for the position, but I needed to find my voice and I needed to find my place to be able to use my influence to make an impact in the way that I desired. And so that led to developing this program, developing— I ended up transitioning out of being a corporate attorney into doing leadership coaching. Yes, I'm a recovering attorney.

Nothing against you corporate attorneys. I, you know, I adore you and I admire you. However, yes, very cool. Well, and at the same time, I think when you talk about that comment about power. I'm sure because I, you know, now that I've known you, it's not even about that egotistical thing. It's about more so that self-confidence, that self-control, that self-awareness, that self-love, you know, all those woo-woo things, you know, that us ex-corporate women are still trying to kind of get over, that we actually, you know, want those woo-woo things in our lives. That's probably what you're talking about too.

Being able to use your influence because having a voice and using your influence allows you to make a difference in the ways that are important to you. Right. Many women in particular, we have a purpose, we have a desire, we want to do these great things, but we've not found our voice and we've not found a way to channel that desire into an influence that results in an action. Right. So that's where recognizing the CEO in you is important. Yeah. Because if you think about what a CEO does, you know, a CEO comes up with an idea, they come up with a plan about how they're going to bring that idea into fruition, they develop a strategy, they work with a team, and they inspire that team to execute that strategy. And so, you know, using the skills that Oftentimes we have, you know, in our professional lives, we're great at doing things and we have these particular skills, but what we have not necessarily tapped into is being able to translate that skill into the personal things that we want to do, and we kind of think of ourselves as a position rather than thinking of ourselves as this suite of skill sets, and, you know, speaking of sweets. The C-suite of our lives is that place where we are in charge, we are using our voice, we are able to use our influence to create the change that we want to see in our lives and around us.

Okay, we're going to come back to the C-suite comment, but I want you to drill into when a lot of individuals, and I'm going to in this case call out all these women, They don't get when people say, "You need to find your voice." They don't understand what that means. So let's kind of articulate that in a way of the— even the emotions, like having confidence to say what you feel. So could you articulate that in that way that people who do stay away from this woo-woo stuff can understand what it means to find their voice?

Yes, and it has two components. It is the literal voice, giving sound to, giving a voice to your purpose, your thoughts, the way that you're able to make a change, and then it is being comfortable in that and being able to articulate it through your actions. So, you know, it begins with understanding, you know, your purpose. Who you are. Who you are and what your purpose is. You hear that word a lot, your purpose, your gift. But it is really very important to distill why you exist. I'm very practical and I still use my corporate training and my legal training, and if you think about any company, every company has a mission, a mission statement, and sometimes it's long, sometimes it's short, but it is something that is very concise that explains why that company exists and from that, the influence, the impact it's going to have. On the world around us. And so we need to distill that for ourselves, to understand, you know, why are you here? Because we're more than just skill set, we're more than just these ideas, but there is something very specific that we do better than anyone else in the world. And when we operate in that space, we are then able to find the confidence that it takes to articulate which is the other component of that, that voice to the world. Because a lot of times, you know, we don't have confidence because we've replaced confidence with uncertainty, or there is uncertainty, and we're not sure about what we want to do, we're not sure about how to go about doing it. And, you know, being the CEO of your life really boils down to understanding why you're here and then being deliberate about living that. Right. And it's about making choices and being able to use that choice to back you up when you question what you need to say, why you need to say it, and how.

How you need to do it. So, okay, so I'm going to get a little bit even more— I'm going to drill into that a little bit more. So, and it's going to touch on your process. So someone's out there and they're kind of waffling. I know there's something for me that's different than what I'm doing right now or bigger. I'm always like, there's something bigger and better that I'm meant to be. And whether or not I've acknowledged that and recognized that, or I've actually, in some cases, been fearful of it because sometimes be careful what you hope for, you wish for. So what would your process be, or what are those 1 or 2 things that the women right now could do to kind of get a better handle as to their purpose and who they are?

Because it's actually 5, 5 things.

There you go.

5 steps.

There you go. That was on here somewhere, I'm sure.

But, you know, I remember one day when I was going through this process for myself and I was sitting on my couch in my home I used to own in Mississippi and I had my apple green couch in my office. It was the most beautiful office. But anyway, I won't digress.

And she's very shiny and colorful.

It's all about the decor.

You have to watch this on YouTube because she's very animated and gregarious.

But I remember sitting there on my couch and really thinking about, you know, why I was the way I was, how I thought the way I thought, and what was really important to me. And I really thought about, you know, how did I make the decision to leave what most people would aspire to get to, because I was in the C-suite, 6-figure job, doing great, was the dream job, and I'm like, this isn't for me. But there were 5 things that I went through, or 5 steps, and the first was your mindset, because if you imagine this as a— what do you call it? Pyramid. I'm sorry, I had a blonde moment. If you imagine it as a pyramid—

She's blonde.

Yeah. If you imagine it as a pyramid, On the bottom of that is your belief system, your mindset because—

Everybody's mindset, right?

Right, because the thought that you have right now creates your future. Many times we're creating a future we're not even aware of because we're not being deliberate in the thoughts that we allow to influence us. Because if you don't think you can, then you can't. You hear that all the time, what you believe is what you'll achieve. It's more than just trite statements, but it's about training your mind to focus on what it is that that you want to have. So that's the basis of it, the foundation. Then the second thing is people. And many times you would think, well, I'm doing this for myself, why do I need people? And the reason that you need people is one, you have to be aware, two things, you have to be aware of the influences that the people in your life have on you. Are they good influences or negative influences?

Yeah, absolutely.

Are they supportive or are they holding you back? And that's a conscious decision, women in particular, have to make because we tend to value relationships to the detriment of everything else.

And ourselves.

And ourselves. And ourselves. Which is a great thing that we're nurturing. However, we can't do that to the detriment of ourselves. So one is understanding the influences that you have, and then second part of that is recognizing that even though it's your purpose, you can't do it by yourself. So how do you align yourself with people who are going to sharpen you. Does that mean getting a coach? Does it mean having accountability partners? Does it mean having mentors and people who can pour into you? But really being deliberate in that, because you can't change people, but you can control your environment, and you can control how you allow people to influence you.

Absolutely.

And then the third part of that is really thinking about your systems, you know, because I'm a former healthcare executive and I had responsibility for risk management and and performance improvement was a part of what we did. And I loved that aspect because I recognized early on if I wanted to prevent lawsuits, which is ultimately what an attorney is concerned with, that I couldn't just defend the lawsuits. I really had to be sure that the underlying quality was there. So that got me into systems. And it's really being able to take advantage of tools, strategies, resources, to really be deliberate in creating and recreating. Because if you think about it, everything we do is based on a system, and it's either an unconscious system or a conscious system. But the more conscious you are about the systems that you use, the more ability you'll have to replicate that success.

Right. And you're also talking internal and external systems. Like, internal systems, we all have our way of going about things. But then there's actually more external systems, like literally like calendars, applications, and software, technology, and just the way you go about doing something, right?

Correct. That is correct. All right. So, like, your internal systems would be your habits and behaviors and your actions. The external systems would be the tools, the technology, the things like that. And then the next thing is making a decision whether you're going to get mad or you're going to get mad. Upset, and there's a difference. And of course—

So that's not war?

Yes, this is not war. War versus mad. Were you going to get mad or mad? So, you know, a lot of times we will get mad, we'll get angry, we'll get upset, we'll cry when things don't go our way or when we're frustrated, and that is a natural emotion and you need to experience that, but you need to make the shift from being mad to getting mad, which is motivated and determined. M-A-D. M-A-D. Motivated and determined. Motivated and determined. Because being the CEO of your life is not easy. Being the CEO of a company is not easy. I mean, it carries a lot of responsibility. The buck stops with you. You're the one that's on TV when things go wrong. You're the one the board answers or calls upon when things don't go right. So you've got to have that drive that keeps you motivated and determined, which leads to the fifth part, which is understanding your why. If you don't know why you're here, you will be more likely to be mad, a little mad, angry, and less likely to be motivated and determined and to stick with it and to keep going. So it really takes all of those things working in harmony and then being conscious about where you are at those levels.

Conscious is key. Self-awareness, I'm telling you.

Awareness, conscious, deliberate.

Self-awareness. Well, I don't have any regrets. Though I would've— my life would've been very different had I been very self-aware many years leading up to when I was, what, 47, 48, when I finally decided to wake up and kinda look at myself in the mirror and see life truly as it is, as opposed to what was going on between my two ears. Alright, so, mindset, people, systems, mad versus— Mad, motivation and determination, and understanding your why. Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous. All right, so now you have some things that you can be thinking about and go back to your question, your rich question. What is that one area of your life that you would like to have and be more mad about, motivated and determined? There we go. Think about that. We're going to take a quick break. We're going to come back. We have a lot more to talk about. But she did just give you kind of 5 different steps that you could be taking and thinking about. And I always tell you, do you have a journal? Get that journal out, start scribbling, get it out of your head onto a piece of paper. And when we get back, we're going to continue this conversation because by the time we're done, you will be the CEO of your life. We'll be right back. Welcome back everyone. We are talking with Dr. Stephanie Barnes and we're talking all about Being the CEO of your life. It's very exciting. We're giving you a big-ass promotion today. That's all I'm gonna say. If you didn't think you were the CEO, guess what? You are, and you wanna own it. Alright, but before we get back into the conversation, I want you all to do some tweeting and Facebooking and connecting with Dr. Stephanie. So, excuse me. You can go to drstephaniedbarnes.com in order to find out all the information. And trust me, once you pull up that site, a big smile is gonna come on your face. 'Cause like I said, she's colorful, she's vibrant, she uses her hands a lot, and you'll get that idea on her website. And you'll see all her resources, all the ways that she can support you and engage with you. So drstephaniedbarnes.com. Tweet with her @CrownedAtBirth. Great handle. Crowned at birth. Talk about confidence. And then Facebook with her at Stephanie D Barnes, PhD. Trust me when I say if you just Google Dr. Stephanie D Barnes Atlanta, you'll find her everywhere. And of course on LinkedIn, Stephanie D Barnes, and her email should you want to reach out to her directly. And I do believe you have a contact mechanism on your website, but you can reach her directly, stephanie@drstephaniedbarnes.com. So be sure you're connecting with her, linking in with her, tweeting and Facebooking with her. All right. And if you have any questions, especially for those of you who download this or go to YouTube and watch this after we are live, then feel free to reach out to her directly for whatever questions, stories, challenges, that you'd like to discuss with her. Alright, we'll mention that again before we wrap up, but there you go. Alright, we have a lot to talk about. She has some concepts and some things that you really want to be thinking about because it really does immediately kind of make you feel powerful. But before we get there, I want to really understand— I want you to understand what it is that you're not doing. Why do women, or don't women, recognize their strengths, their power, their skills? What is it that is keeping them from doing that?

Because I think there are 3 reasons. The first is many times we don't give ourselves credit for the skills that we have.

Amen.

And I remember early on in this process, you know, when I told you I was trying to be a CEO and applying for jobs and all of that, you know, I often described myself by my position.

Position.

I was an attorney and I describe everything in my legal experience and where I went to school and all this type of thing. One day I had to realize that there was more to me than being an attorney. What were the things that I brought to the table? I remember doing this exercise and I thought about, if I were to write down 5 things that I do, regardless of what position I've ever held, what are those 5 things?, and you know, it was 5 skill sets that had nothing to do with my position, my education, or anything.

You could be a stay-at-home mom, right, and there's those skill sets.

And those are the best skills, by the way.

Yes, are they?

Are they hard? You know, and so we really have to think about what is it that we do, the value that we have, and those transferable skills, because, you know, for those of us who are caregivers, whether we are moms or taking care of our parents or we're the big cousin or whatever, you know, in taking care of other people, I mean, there are so many CEO skills that you have to do. And so recognizing that and giving yourself credit for it, because I hate to hear a woman say, "I'm just a," whatever it is, you know, because you're not just that anything. You are the skill sets, the talent that you bring, and we shouldn't undermine it because it's very rare that you hear guys say, "Well, I'm just a," No, I mean, they're going to say it, say it with their chest, you know. So we need to do that as well and not discredit the value that we bring. And then the second thing is, you know, a lot of times we're waiting on validation. We want somebody else to recognize it in us and instead of being confident enough to recognize it for ourselves. As you mentioned, like my Twitter handle is Crowned at Birth, right? Another reason for that, I love crowns by the way. I actually collect crowns, love crowns, but there's a reason I think divinely that I love crowns. My name is Stephanie, which in Greek is a Stefania, which means crowned one. So that's what my mama named me, my dad, you know, so I was crowned at birth. That's what they named me. So anyway, but you know, if you think about wearing a crown, crown, that's very ostentatious to put something on your head and to walk around proud.

Very bold.

Very bold, right. But if you think about when you do that, what does it do to you? It makes you stand up a little taller. And so we need to put on our invisible crowns and be proud of that and not allow what others think of us or don't think of us or expect of us or can't to diminish our shine. That's why I say #SeeSweet shine. And then the third thing is, you know, we are often waiting on permission.

Oh yes, here's that big one.

We need to recognize, you know, we put our big girl panties on and give ourselves permission. We don't need to wait on anybody else to say that we can operate in our full power and in our full talent and gifts and purpose. And so we just need to dispel this notion that we have to have permission to be able to shine. One, you can't hold it back anyway. Think about a light bulb. If you were to put it in a bag, it's still going to shine even though it's being covered up. And so our purpose is like that, and so we just need to give into it and recognize that we can't stop the shining.

We shouldn't. And you know, in all practicality, that really translates to you need to be okay with asking for what it is that you want.

Yes.

For fighting for something that you believe that you're ready for and that you deserve. To step out and do something, because don't you find that women, you know, well, there's a lot of studies that say women wait until they're like 100% ready for something.

Right.

Men wait until they're like 40% ready.

They're like, whatever.

Yeah, and I have to admit, I'd be 10% ready and I'd be like, I think I could be that.

And that's the thing, there's never a perfect time. Right. And you're never perfectly qualified. Here's the weird thing about qualification. You don't become qualified until you do something. So if you're sitting on the sideline waiting to be qualified, guess what? You ain't going to get qualified. You got to get out there and do things. Many times we have this ridiculous notion of what qualified means, when qualified just simply means you're able to do the work. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have the certificate, the degree, the position, but you need to have the skill because there are a lot of people with certificates and degrees and positions can't do squat. Y'all have to forgive me, I am from Mississippi and everyone's from Mississippi.

It's true, I was going to say the same damn thing.

That comes out. I keep it real. We have to get over this blurring the line between perfection and qualification, because qualification simply means you have the underlying skill set that enables you to do the thing. Many times you're not going to get the skill set until you do the skill set, so you got to get out there and do it. One of two things is going to happen. You'll surprise yourself and do it excellent, with excellence. Or you'll figure out, hmm, here's what I need to work on, and then you are positioned to prime yourself for excellence.

Right. Well, because it's capability too.

Right.

So, you know, when you're going out there and you're trying to do something, it's not about whether or not you've ever done it before. It's whether or not you're capable of doing it.

Right.

So if you're sitting on the sideline waiting until, you know, like Stephanie said, that you have 100% of it, that you have already executed that.

Skill.

You know, CEOs have never been a CEO until they are a CEO. Most of the time, they never have, but they have the capability to do exactly what's needed in that role. So, you know, and granted, we might not be talking to, you know, a good majority of you about being the CEO of a company, you know, today. At the same time, though, if you're sitting there as a student or as an entry-level or a mid-manager or a VP and you're looking to get to the next level, then you just need to know you don't need someone to go, oh, Dr. Stephanie, you're ready, so we're going to bring you along. Or you don't need to sit there and wait until you're 100%. You need to just go and do it and feel confident because don't you agree? So this really comes down to your number one thing and your 5 steps that we talked about. All of that capability, all of that skill, it really kind of You know, kind of boils down to having the confidence within yourself that you are worthy and you're deserving because there's that whole concept of women feel that they're— I felt like a fraud for a long time. I said, someone's going to make out that I don't deserve to be in this position. You know, and yet I knew I was and yet I beat myself up.

Yeah, that whole imposter syndrome.

Yeah, the whole imposter syndrome.

It's such a self-defeating notion. And I think it arises, one, because we lack the confidence, but two, because we don't appreciate the value that we bring. I think about it like this. When we breathe, you're not sitting there thinking about breathing in, breathing out. You're just breathing, right? If somebody were to come up to you and talk about what an excellent breather you are, you'd be like, "What do you mean? I just do it." I think a lot of times our skills, our talents, what we bring to the table becomes so second nature to us, or first, second nature, yeah. Second nature, I had said that. It becomes so natural to us that we don't think it's a big deal. We need to begin recognizing that we're a big deal and that's okay. The thing is, it's all about the value that you add to life. Others and the service that you provide, the way that you're able to help someone else achieve their goal, because in any business, that's ultimately what you're doing. Whether you're in a nonprofit or for-profit, you're providing a service. Right. And it's being comfortable with recognizing that, you know what, I matter, I have a value, I bring something to the table, and I deserve to be here. Because if you don't show up, then sometimes—

You can't play.

Yeah, you can't play. You got to be willing to show up.

You have to show up or you don't get an opportunity to get on the field, as they say. I'm horrible with whatever those things are.

Analogies.

I'm horrible.

That's okay.

I'm horrible.

Anyway, all right.

Now, that said, what is it in your world Queen Bee Syndrome. Okay. I had a feeling that that's what, you know, kind of also kind of butts up against all this.

Right, and the Queen Bee Syndrome is actually a study, it's a compilation of studies where researchers have found where women who are successful, make it to senior level positions, do achieve the CEO position, are successful in their careers, where they in turn end up being a contributor to gender bias and actually act against women rather than actively helping other women to come along. And it's born out of a fallacy and scarcity mentality that, you know, if I've got it, you need to get your own. In order for me to keep my power, I need to keep everything to myself. But what that overlooks is the fact that our society is made up of different groups and alliances, and the more powerful your alliance is, again, partnering with other people, the more powerful you will be. And so it's an interesting phenomenon that's studied largely among women. Men do the do it in their own way, but it seems to be more prevalent among women, and it's where we work against each other. And instead of once we get to the top, or once we get to a certain level of success, instead of bringing others along, we actively work against bringing others along. And again, it ends up hurting us more than it hurts other people.

So I have a question, uh, only because I've, um, I have a reason for asking, and I'll mention afterwards. Do you find, because you were in corporate and you're now in the entrepreneurial world, and you even work back in the corporate world, do you see that to be a corporate thing, or is it an entrepreneurial thing, or is it a woman thing?

I think it's a woman thing in the sense that it happens among women, and it stems from our reactions to the inequalities that still exist among men and women, between men and women. And so it's counterintuitive to discriminate, if you will, or to have a bias against someone who's in your social group. Because I'm a PhD, I'm a nerd, I study all these things too. The social group theory. So anyway, so hopefully I don't revert too much into my nerd self. But you know, when there's a— I alluded to this, you know, where the more powerful your group is, the more powerful you are. And if you think about queens and kings and political alliances, if you think about the alliances that have run the world over history, it has all been comprised of different groups, and you know, there are very few people that have gotten to the top of the world hierarchy by themselves. Right. And so, you know, and I think sometimes women have— because it is difficult, you know, because I was— when I was in corporate, I was often the only woman or one of very few at the table, and often one of the only, um, leaders of color, which is a whole different issue. And so, I was always trying to figure out where do I fit in. And it required me building relationships with other people, and oftentimes it wasn't other women because there weren't any other women to build that relationship with. But what I figured out is that if I wanted to keep my place at the table, that I had to bring value, and I couldn't bring value by myself, and so that meant I needed somebody else at the table because the more voices— to get back to this concept of voice, if you're the only woman voice at the table, well, you're an anomaly. The more you have another woman at the table, well now, okay, it's not just you, it's you and someone else, you have a consensus. That's the whole concept of business. You have someone to second your motion. Think about it. And then you have another woman at the table. It's all about building these alliances, and again, not for the purpose of taking over men or pushing men away from the table, but just making sure that our voice is represented, because women do bring a diverse voice that needs to be heard in its own way, and it adds to the conversation, it adds to the discussion, and we need to make sure that we're at the table, because if you're not at the table, you don't have a voice. An opportunity for your voice to be contributed.

But going back to that queen bee, you need to be confident and secure in yourself to bring the women along that can then— even right there, you have your alliance. You purposely, deliberately, is the word you use, create your alliance by helping other women. And I was there. I was that person that was just about me as I was climbing the corporate ladder, and I'd preferred engaging, if there was anybody I was pulling along, I preferred it being the men because if it were the men, that made me more valuable, I thought. Until I kind of even went out on my own, meeting all these fabulous women who are on their own and realizing that they have more power than a lot of the men that I was I was spending so much time trying to be in favor, you know, with.

Right.

So no queen being.

Yeah.

You know, the only way—

if you're going to be a queen, be a queen.

Yeah. Be a queen for everybody, not just, you know, for yourself. Yes, absolutely, absolutely. All right, we're going to take one last quick break and then we'll come back and wrap up with a couple of other additional questions. And we'll be right back. Welcome back everyone, we're having a fabulous conversation with our guest Dr. Stephanie Barnes and we're talking about being the CEO of your life. We're talking about queen bees, we're talking about her 5-step process or 5 steps that you can take in order for you to really kind of grasp what it means to be the CEO of your life. So if you're just joining us, you can go back and listen to the earlier portion to get those 5 steps. But we're really also talking about the whole mindset and the whole, you know, level of confidence that is needed in order for you to take control and be the CEO of your life. But before we get to that, let me just remind you, please Reach out to her, Stephanie D. Barnes, Dr. Stephanie D. Barnes. You can reach her at Stephanie@DrStephanieDBarnes.com. You can go to her website, DrStephanieDBarnes.com. You can tweet with her at the best handle I've heard, and that is @CrownedAtBirth. That's fabulous. And then also Facebook with her, and you can find her, it's. If you just go to Stephanie D. Barnes, PhD, Google her, trust me, you'll find her everywhere. And I want to remind everyone, she has a special gift for you if you were to go to c-suitewomen'swebinars.com, c-suitewomen'swebinars.com. She has a free webinar on You Deserve a Promotion: 5 Ways to guarantee you get it. Is that right?

Yes.

Guarantee you get it. Yes. Uh, c-suitewomenwebinars.com. It's her free webinar, so check that out. And then also check out her resources on her website and, and, um, all the things that she has contributed to and how she can help you in your business or life. Alrighty? Okay. So before we wrap up, I really need to understand about living life in the AND, A-N-D. What is that about?

Well, you know, that came about as a result of the constant struggle I've had, as many women have, in trying to balance all of the different roles that we play in our lives. And, you know, I was a wife, mother, still am a mother, attorney, community leader, doing all of these different things. And I often struggled with, how do you figure out how to be this or that or this or that? And what I had to come to appreciate is that it wasn't about being or. Living life in the or is the alternative. Are you gonna be a wife or a mother? Are you going to be a woman or a career. I love that. You know, because a lot of times we box ourselves in by thinking we need to choose either or. Living life in the and means you're being deliberate about what it is that you want and you're using tools, strategies, resources to do the things you want rather than choosing between them. So you can be a wife and a mother and a career a woman, any business, whatever it is that you want to do, it doesn't happen magically, it doesn't happen easily, but when you're deliberate about it and you become the CEO of your life, you can then live your life in the end where you're not sacrificing anything, but you're being deliberate in using strategies, tools, resources, teams,— the 5 steps to figure out how to do all of these things. And I kind of think back to, you know, you always hear it say, "You can't have it all." And there's truth to that and there's a fallacy to that. Well, you can have it all, but maybe not all at one time. Maybe it's in steps, maybe it's in phases, maybe it's a little bit of this, but it's all about being strategic.

Right, and deliberate. I love that word. I think it's very relevant.

Right, because I think we relegate ourselves to the or because we say we want this, and then we kind of sit there.

It gives us an easy out.

Yeah, we throw our hands up.

We don't get it.

I can't get it.

I can't have it.

You can't get it either, too. And what's the point of cake if it's not to be eaten? Yes. But you have to choose. You have to rely on the power of your choice. Choices, and you're never powerless.

What's your middle name?

Denise.

All right, because I really thought it was Dr. Stephanie Deliberate.

I know, right?

With the way that she, you know, but it's so true because deliberate is also meaning self-aware. Yes. And is meaning being conscious and present.

And you have power with choices because when you deliberate, because you can even deliberate in that you're thinking, but then you are deliberate and you use those thoughts, those actions to achieve a goal, it gives you so much power as opposed to being out there loosey-goosey in the world.

Yeah, I absolutely agree.

Not using what you have to create what you want.

Yeah, so be deliberate and go after being the CEO of your life, everyone. Fabulous, fabulous. Thank you so much. Oh, thank you. This time always goes I'm sitting here and I had circled during one of our breaks, you know, all the questions I would have asked, and we still have a bunch more. So we're gonna have— she's gonna become one of those repeat guests that we have because there is so much more that we would want to talk with her about and gain from her. So thank you so much for being part of the program. This was awesome.

Thank you for having me.

Oh, you're so welcome. You're so welcome. All right, so I want you to go to DrStephanieDBarnes.com. Learn all about her, reach out to her, connect with her, LinkedIn with her, tweet with her at that awesome handle @CrownedAtBirth. That's fabulous. And just kind of relish in being the CEO of your life. I want to remind you that over the next couple weeks we have some fabulous guests. Katherine Carrigan joins us again to talk about The difference between pain and suffering, it kind of goes back to everything that we're talking about, is just do you actually use that pain to create suffering for yourself, or you just see pain as something that you might deal with, but you don't necessarily need to suffer through that pain. And then we'll talk to Andrea Arena, all about kind of staying sane and getting organized and kind of dealing with the chaos that life can present you at sometimes. Again, I want to remind you tonight, you know, prayers go out actually all the time for anyone that is suffering, anyone that is going through a hardship or a tragedy, especially those right now between Irma and Harvey all over the country. Even the West is going through some major firestorms, so just keep each other in in your prayers. And yet tonight, the Hand in Hand special fundraising will be broadcasting on all the major channels this evening. So tune into that and see if there's a way that you can, you know, donate something, no matter how small or big it is, and help to bring relief to so many people that are suffering. We will talk to you this time next week. Thanks everybody for joining us. Have a great week.