Betrayal Sucks - Shed it Once and For All

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Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at BlogTalkRadio.com/sheddingthebitch. Shedding the Bitch, or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back.

818-572-2910. Good day, good day, good day everyone. Happy Happy Tuesday! I hope you all are doing well, staying cool if you're in the heat of most of the country, actually, at least in the United States. And I mean, I definitely think Mother Nature is trying to tell us something. Maybe it's God telling us he's not happy about, you know, the hate and the the strife in the world right now. Because between the earthquakes and the fires and the floods and the hurricanes and, you know, you even New York City going out to pitch black this past weekend, you have to wonder. Yes, climate change, you know, and all that kind of good stuff, and yes, I believe in it, obviously. Um, but at the same time, you know, being a, you know, a faithful God-loving woman, I just have to You have to wonder if he is putting his stamp on the world, though most— or not most, I'll take that back— a lot are still not listening to it. But anyway, I hope anyone that is in the eye of any type of storm, physical, emotional, spiritual, doesn't matter, Mother Nature, doesn't matter, I just hope that you find peace, you find safety, and you can kind of forge through it and overcome it. And that kind of touches on what we want to talk about today because we are going to talk about maybe even vent, and you might be able to tell in my voice that I certainly am in the mood for some venting. But with venting, we're also going to, you know, then turn it to, uh, tips and strategies and overcoming and empowering and, uh, living our best lives. But it's going to be all centered around betrayal, uh, and so if you've been betrayed in any way, shape, or form— and we're going to talk about all those forms because it doesn't have to be, you know, someone that you love that betrays you, uh, it could be personal, it could be business, it could be from someone that you love or very, very endearing, close trusted friend or advisor. And of course it could come, come from foes, but, um, you know, that might be easier to handle. Though betrayal in any form just has a really, really ugly impact on all aspects of our life and our heart. So we're going to talk all about that, but before we do, before we do I would like to take a moment and do a shout out and thank you to Heidi Richards Mooney. Heidi Richards Mooney. You can follow her on Facebook or Twitter. She had sent out a tweet initially, you know, kind of thanking and praising our program, our podcast, and she put it out on Twitter and said that she was sharing and all that kind of stuff, and it was short and sweet. I've shared it on Facebook, and you can always— you can also see it on Twitter. But as short or sweet as it is, I just appreciate so much someone taking even a few seconds and just sending that out to kind of put a smile on all of our faces in the community. And of course, Deborah and I appreciate it just from an overall Shedding the Bitch podcast perspective. So I just wanted to thank Heidi Richards Mooney for that. It was greatly appreciated. And of course, you can go and check out our programs yourself. And if it wasn't this episode or from last week's episode, you can go to blogtalkierradio.com. You can go to sheddingthebits.com. Two major sources along with Apple podcasts for the 300+ episodes of Shedding the Bitch and find all of those there. We've had great conversations with experts in all facets of life, whether it's about your career, business, or life. And of course, then there's some one-on-ones that you and I have together. And some of the latest that we've had to go back and reference if you haven't had the chance to listen to them is last week we talked your mid-year kind of assessment review touch base. It could be about your job, maybe you having mid-year reviews. It's overall your life assessment that you might want to do in the June-July timeframe. But we talked a lot about that and what you could do to shed that kind of anxiety that, oh my God, 6 months is over. From 2019 already, and I— maybe, maybe you haven't got as much as you wanted done, you didn't get any of it done, you had goals, you let go of those goals, or you just kind of, you know, just aren't achieving them. We, we want to kind of look at all aspects of it and then put it back together so you can hit that reset button and move forward, and that's what we talked about a lot last week. We then had a conversation right before that, our Ask Bernadette episode, which is the first Tuesday of every month, where I take your questions, stories, and challenges that you share, whether it's on Facebook or Twitter or Shedding the Bitch pages. I always tell you the majority of the ones that I do get are directed to me primarily through LinkedIn, so don't ever hesitate. Reach out on LinkedIn on my profile, send me a private message, or to BernadetteBoas@sheddingthebitch.com, and you can state whatever you want there. I do then take that information that you've provided me and I've shared back with you in the form of tips and tricks and strategies, and I do bring them right back here onto the program the first Tuesday of every month. Now, I don't necessarily go into any personal details should you share them with me. I don't even use your name unless you say you don't care. But it gives you an opportunity, if you choose to, to come onto the program live at noon Eastern time the first Tuesday of every month and have a conversation with me digging deeper into what an email response, a Facebook post, or a tweet response can provide. So you have tons of ways to reach into the community and to myself. Over the last several episodes, we've also talked about faking it until you make it. It's a strategy I have followed most of my life and career, and I know a lot of people have different opinions about it, but I have found it to work. We've also talked about mistakes. You hate 'em, but learn to love 'em. And then one that's really gotten a lot of traction and a lot of feedback— well, I won't say a lot of feedback. I'd love to hear more feedback from you— is a conversation we had about change your words and you will change your world. And this is a common theme. It's basically communication of what you say to yourself and then what you say, you know, to the world. And it's something that I spend every day coaching and advising other people, whether it is from a business perspective or personal, because I have learned over the last 10 years what you say in between your two ears to yourself, into your heart, into your soul, into your mind, is what is then projected out into the world, creating whatever is going to come back to you. So if you're putting out love and kindness and joy and happiness and smiles, that's what you're going to get back. If you're putting out anxiety and stress and depression and desperation and arrogance and betrayal, that's what you're going to get back. So, uh, change your words and you can change your world. Check out all of those episodes: blogtalkradio.com, sheddingthebitch.com, Apple Podcast. All right, uh, let's see, before we get into the program, um, all right, so If you're listening for the first time, I'm going to recap what we're going to talk about today. Then I pose a rich question. I call them rich questions because we help you shift from bitch to rich here on the program. I'm going to pose you a rich question which is grounded in the subject that we're talking about, so you can start thinking about it. You can start opening your mind and your heart to the conversation, so then you can receive in, um, some tips and strategies and ideas and concepts being discussed. All right, so today is about betrayal, and it's about that sickening or pissed off feeling you experience when someone screws you over. Now, I was just sharing with Deborah before we kicked off the program that, um, in the last week or so— and we're going to talk about it deeper, so I won't do it here— but I've gotten really screwed over by someone, actually also taken for some money. And God, it just, you know, when someone betrays your trust, betrays a promise in this case, it's just really, it is, it's sickening. It just leaves this guttural punch, you know, in the stomach that just leaves you both empty and yet, you know, feeling as if you could throw up at any minute in time. And so we're going to, you know, provide ourselves an opportunity to vent about it and talk about it and even be angry about it, but then we need to turn the tables and we need to talk tips and strategies and advice for overcoming it. Because I'll be damned if this, you know, individual, this situation, this experience is going to soak up too much of my heart. It's soaking— soaked up enough as it is. So we all need to just kind of learn how to process it and then send it on its merry way and overcome it. All right, so we're going to get into all of that. Your rich question— what I want you to be thinking about is what impact has a betrayal had on you? So obviously you're going to think— need to think about a betrayal. It could have been the last one that you had or one that you know, definitely is very almost, um, it's this so visceral that you can feel it. Uh, I'm hoping that maybe you don't feel it, or if you feel it, you're able to easily pass it on. Um, but what impact has that betrayal had on you? And when I say impact, I don't mean just emotional. I even mean how did— has that emotional then been projected to where you've gone out and maybe You haven't been able to work. You're sitting on your couch. You're eating too much. You're drinking too much. You're lashing out on people, so forth and so on. And what has that done to your world? Maybe you're, you know, really declining at work. Maybe you're not getting the business that you, you know, typically get or should be getting. Maybe you're alienating your friends or you're pissing off your loved one. Therefore your relationship's at risk. So all of these things have emotional impacts, but that impact emotionally then gets spewed up and, and put out into the world, and that can have tangible impacts that come back to you. All right, so I want you to think about it, I want you to know it, I want you to feel it, and then we're going to talk about how you can package it all up, let it go, and not have the negative impacts that it could have been having on you so far. All right, what impact has a betrayal had on you? Now, if you're tweeting or Facebooking with us, use hashtag betrayed and hashtag shed the bitch. All right, betrayed and shed the bitch. I'm sorry, I'm laughing. One of the dogs in the in the— in my— at my friend's house, and I'll talk about that in a minute, has a toy that actually talks, so it's talking behind me. I digress. All right, we're gonna take a commercial break. When we get back, we're gonna dive into this conversation regarding betrayal.

We'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, confront and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small small to corporate size clients. Go to NGTaxSolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium size businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at media-relations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. We are talking betrayal. Yes, that is that ugly, gut-wrenching, hurtful, painful experience that I would love to say and hope and pray that some of you, all of you, have never experienced it. Um, but I sense that if you've been on this earth for any amount of time. Uh, let's get beyond tween maybe even, but tweens can be hurt too and betrayed on too. Uh, we've all experienced it in some way, shape, or form, and it really does— it can make you feel like crap. It can really leave you feeling foolish, and it can severely, you know, pain you, leaving you feel— really feel empty, even stripped. Of any trust or faith in not little— not even that individual, but others and the world itself. And that it can be and is ugly. So let's look at first, let's get practical, logical, unemotional, and let's just look at really what is, um, the definition of betrayal. Now I have to— I just have to digress for just a second because If Deborah's out there and she has the form for today's conversation, she's probably laughing at the same thing I am. So I pull up Wikipedia and I pull up, you know how individuals can make entries into Wikipedia, you know, regarding their own interpretation of something. So in this case, someone, you know, put their own interpretation of definition. I'm glad they weren't doing it about spelling because their definition, or the way they spell definition, is actually D-E-F-E-N, uh, you know, so it's spelled incorrectly. And I just started laughing when I looked at it because maybe they internally was feeling like you have to defend yourself when it comes to betrayal. So maybe there was some subliminal message they were sending there. But anyway, so betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract or trust or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals. And keep in mind, these individuals can be anybody, all right? So they could be a family member, blood. They could be a spouse or a partner, a good friend. And when I say good friend, I'm even talking those deep, deep, deep, deep friendships from, you know, childhood to, you know, even recent ones where you poured all yourself into it and thought you too had a deep intimate relationship, regardless if it's only— if it's a relatively new one. You can be betrayed by your colleague, a trusted advisor or mentor. I didn't plan to discuss that at all, but that was certainly my experience 10 years ago, being betrayed by a trusted advisor. And then I'm going to share with you kind of how simplistic of a relationship can be where you and you still get that stomach punch of betrayal. And it can come from your neighbors. It can come from your community. It can come from longtime service providers, you know, that lawyer you had, that accountant you had. I can remember while I was in college, I knew I was making, I was making, you know, some good money while I was, still in college. And so I reached out to my father and asked for a recommendation to his long, long, long-time accountant, Mr. Bicelein, and, um, and he did. And so I asked this gentleman to do my taxes, and the next thing you know, I'm being audited at like 20. I'm being audited and then fined an astronomical amount of money, even like, you know, I mean, astronomical amount of money for a 20-year-old. I think it was like $2,500. And it was mistakes and things that this gentleman did, and so that it kind of brought this experience that I've recently had that I'll tell you about, brought me back there as well. So, and the impact and the result of a betrayal can be very confusing. I mean, granted, it was when I was 20 and I, you know, put my heart and soul into this, trusting this longtime friend of my father's. But it can be very confusing. I found something online that kind of put words to that confusion for me, and maybe it will for you as well. So it basically states, it's one of those image quotes, I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you would never be. I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be. Now, very simple relationships and where there's betrayal can, you know, really create this, this feeling. Of just, God, you made me promises, you— I put my, you know, trust in you, I put my monies in you, and here you just turned into everything you said you'd never be. And yet that can also apply to very, very, very deep intimate relationships, you know, whether it be blood, a lover, a spouse, a partner, you know, whether it has to do with adultery or something else. But I, I think that very simplistically tells you what betrayal does. It just creates such a disappointment in somebody, um, for turning into something they've committed, they've promised, they've stated, they affirmed, they contracted, you know, put in writing, uh, everything that they said they'd never be. And that just leaves you with a very nasty feeling, and it shakes your faith. It shakes, you know, and for someone like myself, and you know, you can just, you know, affirm it for yourself or not, but for someone for myself, like myself, who I am driven by faith, driven, everything I do is based on my faith, and when that's shaken, oh my God, it just feels like, you know, that 7.2 earthquake California had. You know, and it felt like it was a 20.2 earthquake. So let me just give you an idea of kind of— we could certainly talk about those that have been deeply, deeply betrayed through adultery or through physical abuse from a loved one, from someone they trusted. But let me give you just a simple relationship. That love isn't even— love isn't even embedded in it. It's just— it was just trust, it was just belief, it was faith, it was commitment. So I've talked to you over the last few weeks, and this is where my venting comes in, by the way. Come on to Facebook or Twitter or even blogtalkradio.com onto our chat room and feel free, vent all you want, or just tell me I'm crazy and to you know, keep moving, but, uh, just, you know, give me this one sec, this one moment. Um, so I, I have been talking to you over the last couple weeks about the fact that I have no AC, um, in my guest house where I live. Where I live, I, I rent out the front house and I live in my guest house. So 2 weeks ago it broke And my longtime— I've used his father, and now I've used him for a number of years, like 6 years. I used his dad probably for another— as long as I've been in my house, which is 15. So, um, came out and did what he needed to do to fix it. And it, you know, I forget what it cost. Well, it cost me at the time a few hundred. Uh, and then it still had an issue, so he said, I do think that we need to replace the motor. Okay, fine. So he comes out to, to replace the motor, and I give him $1,000, um, and then it's running. And but 2 days later, and like 5 minutes after he— actually, he didn't even cash the check until I called him and told him it wasn't working again. And then he cashed the check. But 2 days later, it wasn't working. 5 days later, he still had not come out to look at it again. And I should have mentioned too, the first time that I called him about it not working at all, it took him 5 or 6 days. Now, he has had some personal challenges, and which I won't get into, and even Deborah just reminded me of that before we came on to the the program. And I certainly appreciate that and I certainly have compassion toward that. However, and what I actually said to her was, you know, in big caps, BUT. So he eventually gets out. This was Friday now. Now I'm about 10 days without air conditioning and it's hot in Atlanta right now. So he comes out on Friday and he says, okay, this isn't "This isn't working. I'm gonna need a, you know, I'm gonna need to figure out something else." So I said, "Okay, he'll be back out Saturday." Comes out Saturday and it was basically one of those situations where you know he's outside doing something, but then he walks in with a couple things in his hands and, you know, I don't try to think I know anything about air conditioning, And he says, "Well, do you want the bad news or the worst news?" And I said, "Just give me news." And he said, "You know, you need a whole new system." And I said, "Well, I don't understand that based on the last, you know, 3 times you've been out here." He's like, "Well, there's nothing more I can do. And either you get a new system or that's that." And I said, "Okay, so the $1,000 we can apply to—" the new system, correct? And he said, oh no, no, no, no, no, no. And I said, but it never worked. What I spent that money on never happened. And he said no. He said you'd have to buy the whole new system. And so I said, all right, that's it. That's the only options I have. And he said yes. And he says, and I'm not doing anything more with the current system that you have. So even if you ask me to, to, you know, try more. I'm not doing anything with the current system. Well, granted, it could be the heat, you know, and the fact that I was sweating through clothes for the past 2 weeks and my dogs panning up a storm off and on. When I finally realized on Saturday that I wasn't going to have AC and I had some friends' dogs with me when it stopped working, I said something's got to— I got to get out of the house. I got to do something. But I felt— I, I did— I left, and fortunately I did have a place to go. Um, but at the same time, I just felt I was left with just— I'm like, what happened to that promise you made me? What happened to the fact that you told me that I would take— you would take care of me no matter what? And that was from 2 weeks ago. And that you would take care of me and it would be fine and all that kind of good stuff. What happened to that? What happened to the last You know, 6 years of working with you, 10 years of working with your dad, you know, is that's all out the window is what you're telling me. And he basically wasn't saying much. He just took his equipment and he, and he left. And I just sat on the couch and I didn't cry, but I, but my sweat, you know, might as well have been tears. And I just felt like such an idiot. I just felt like such a fool that I could continue to trust, have faith, um, in someone. And yes, I'd like to look at, you know, the personal challenges and issues that he's even, even having. But when, when— and, you know, I didn't even express this to Deborah, but, but when he throws that in your face as to why you're constantly, you know, harping on the fact that you're living without air conditioning, that you've paid money, hard-earned money, that that money is not, you know, has not amounted to anything, uh, and he's just throwing back at you his struggles and his challenges. And I had to get to the point where I said to him, that has nothing to do with me, uh, and I appreciate, you know, your challenges, but, you know, this is business. I just felt like I was in a helpless situation that there was nothing that I was going to be able to do and I just needed to move on. Now, that's somebody that, yes, gets screwed over, yes, lose $1,000, yes, you know, have some, you know, wet bedsheets from from being in the house for at least a day without air conditioning. But, you know, think about what you might be experiencing when it comes to— let's work it kind of up. So that's the most simplistic, a vendor product service provider type of relationship. Long-term promises, commitment, monies paid, you know, I've been, you know, using their services for, you know, you know, years now, and then think about, you know, your colleagues or your peers or your friends or even a trusted advisor, mentor, or coach who might betray you. Then work your way up to friends. Then go to your spouses or partners and then to your blood relatives. Now some people believe, you know, blood doesn't run so deep, but at the same time, for the majority of us, we like to think that, you know, blood is blood. So any form of betrayal, any form of broken promise, any form of backstabbing, any form of deceit, any form in this case also of theft— I really felt screwed, um, in regards to this. Now I could even, you know, tell you that another situation was I had a company come out to quote me, never said a word about pricing, about monies, and spent 25, 20, 30 minutes at my home charging me $197. I'm like, for what? And they're like, for, you know, looking at your system. I'm like, I'm asking you for a quote for a multi-thousand dollar project. I'm a businesswoman. You don't pay $200 to have that done. And, you know, so it was just another like punch in the gut from a service provider. So, you know, betrayal can be through, you know, of course, obviously emotional abuse, physical abuse, especially from those that you put faith and trust in. And those, you know, those broken promises from anyone, because you know why it hurts? Think about this for yourself and answer this question. It hurts— does it hurt? Because you would not do that. Because you don't break your promises. You don't betray someone. You don't lie and deceive someone. So that's why it hurts even more. So I'm going to leave you with that. Thank you for allowing me the time to share with you and vent my experience, and I'm hoping that you're thinking about it. Whether it is a simple type of betrayal that still hits you and, and really kind of damages your faith and trust in not only that person but the world and yourself, or it's something very, very sincere and very, very deep and very, very cutting, then what we want to do is we want to come back, take a deep breath during our quick break, and And we're going to come back, we're going to talk about what you can do to overcome it because we will be damned, right? In the Shedzovich community, we are powerful individuals and we'll be damned if we're going to let these situations put us down or keep us down. We might let them shake us a little bit, but we will find the way through to overcoming them and creating the rich life that we deserve. So we'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business. Available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate size clients. Go to ngtaxsolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium size businesses. Email deborahparker@deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. We are discussing betrayal, getting screwed over, broken promises, being lied to, or having your money taken from you. And not getting anything in return. Now that we let that all out, hopefully you've been thinking about our rich question, which is basically, you know, what was the impact of a betrayal for you? So give some thought to a betrayal, no matter how kind of deep or how shallow, let's say, and really think about it. 'Cause I want you to kind of feel it. 'Cause then as we talk through these tips and strategies for overcoming it, you may find permanent relief if you were still having it linger and hang around. I, even this situation that I just vented with you on, I didn't even like the fact that it, that it did it to me for the past few days. Let alone if it goes on for weeks or months. So, but think about it and let me know. And you might hear the dogs. We're in a strange— not a strange house, but we're not in our typical studio and house, so Coco's not familiar with it. All right, so let's talk about tips and strategies. For, for how you kind of work through a betrayal. First, what I want you to do, um, is I— well, like we talked about, I want you to identify the impact. I want you to, like, identify it. And of course, you know, I'm going to tell you to put it in black and white, get it out of your head onto a piece of paper. For those of you who, um, are listening for the first time to the program, You'll hear that a lot from me because I— what I see every day with my clients, with my friends, with my colleagues is even their plans, their goals, their dreams are all left in their head and they're swimming around up there. So then you add stress and decision-making and conflicts you're having, and in the case of today, betrayal, that you're feeling, you know, just think of what your, your mind's doing to you. It's just a big tornado swirling. It's a hurricane, and it's creating a lot of chaos for you. Well, if you get it out of your head, if you purge it, put it on a piece of paper in black and white, uh, it certainly will bring a lot of clarity and a lot of opportunity for, for, um, kind of logical assessment and decision-making. So identify the impact the latest betrayal has had on you. Put it down on a piece of paper because then what I want you to do is I want to— you want you to look it over and I want you to give it a name. I want you to literally give your betrayal a name. In, in my, you know, this one I might call it like Heat and Flames, you know, being that it was about my AC and the fact that it left me sweating. So give it a name and/or if it's not a name, give it an image. And for me, it's definitely just sweat pouring down my face and my neck and whatnot. So, and what's really good and powerful about that is it, again, it takes it down from this hurricane or this tornado of emotion and it articulates it for you. All right? And it kind of packages in a way that you can, that you can process it, and I'm going to share with you what I mean by that in just a second. So identify the impact, and when I say identify the impact, what are the emotions, you know, that it's creating? What is the physical that it's creating? You know, do you have that, you know, nauseated, guttural feeling? Do you have that hurt? Do you have that sadness? Is it, um, is it, um, I call it bitchiness, but is it anger, bitterness? Um, you know, put a name to it. Is it exhaustion? Putting a name to it and assigning— I'm sorry, not putting a name to it, identifying those emotions, those impacts, and then putting a name to all of it as it kind of rolls up to the overall experience. That'll help you to then process it easier, or you're going to assign it, like I said, an image. You might create— put a tornado, uh, you know, as the image for yourself. As you're doing that, I want you to really be thinking about it because it should be on a piece of paper, black and white. I want you to be looking at it and I want you to be thinking about forgiving yourself for how you've allowed this situation to impact you, influence you, change you. Shift you, whatever the case might be. Um, I want you to really kind of say, I, you know, I've earned or deserved to feel these things, as ugly as they are, um, because I put my faith, I put my trust, I believed in that commitment, that promise, that contract, whatever the case might be. All right, I then want you to, as even Deborah you know, emphasized to me. I want you to, you know, kind of think about the other person. Now I'm not telling you that, you know, you have to make excuses or you even have to defend it. I just want you to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Make sure you understand the whole situation from all angles of it because when there is a betrayal of any kind, there's multiple people involved. May, may just be two. So there's two sides to it, and there, and there needs to be understanding on both parts of both of those sides. And it just might help you also to understand it better. Again, I'm not saying defend it or make excuses for it. I'm saying you can at least then, for you, forgive them. So, you know, Deborah's comment was, you know, that with the situations that are going on with him, you know, maybe that's what, what caused him to, you know, act out the way he acted out or did the things that he did. And, and she's absolutely right. I, you know, I had considered that myself because there's even a number of things that he had shared with me this past weekend that I didn't even let her know of. Obviously, it's, you know, it's a personal thing.. And those are things, those are experiences that he's going through that are very, you know, heartbreaking as well. Um, so, you know, putting my, putting myself in his shoes, uh, again, doesn't defend it, excuse it, it just simply gives it context. And then, um, you know, then you, what you want to do is once you have that context, forgive them. Because remember, forgiveness is not about the other person. It's not letting them off the hook. It's not to get them to feel better. Forgiveness is for you because if you don't forgive and you are, you know, penting up that anger and bitterness and, you know, feeling of deceit, that's only wreaking havoc on you. It's not doing anything to the other person. So forgiveness is all about you. So learn to forgive them. Now I did, and I would recommend it for you too, I did, you know, have a communi— I communicated to him basically, you know, what I was feeling and what impact it was having on me. It started verbally, and then I had some follow-up initially questions, but then commentary of my experience and what it was doing to me, and you know, what I felt that betrayal was. And again, I wasn't looking for him to agree, or, you know, an apology would be nice, but I kind of expected that I might not even get that. So communicate your pain, your hurt, to that other person. Don't ignore it. Don't avoid it. Don't, you know, brush it or broom it under the, under the rug. Confront it because you deserve to let that go. You deserve for them to understand what it's doing to you. Uh, you know what, if it's a love relationship, if it's a friendship— if it's a friendship or love relationship, you should be able to— those relationships, if they are friendships, if they are true intimate relationships, you should be in that trusted, you know, experience to where you should be able to tell them, hey, look, buddy, you effed up, you know, or her, you made me feel like crap. You know, I can't believe you broke a promise to me. You know, think adultery or something with the children or abuse or whatever the case might be. But it could be on a simpler level. I had somebody a number of years ago, uh, very long story, won't go into it, but you know, basically screwed me over, backstabbed me when it came to a man, when it came to a guy. And I couldn't believe it after a number of like 25 years. I just couldn't believe it. And, you know, so communicate and let them know. Again, don't, you know, seek out their apology because you might be disappointed. You're looking for your purging, your release of it, and then your forgiveness of yourself and that other person. All right, so we're going to go back to that image that you created, that, that maybe that name that you gave it. Um, and I've mentioned this on the program before, that a therapist I have seen back in my late 20s— no, actually this one was when I was in my late 30s. And yes, I've been to multiple over the years, just because I think it's a valuable source. Anyway, so Nancy said to me about a relationship situation I was going through, you know, put it— name it, create an image for it. I'm more visual than anything. And put it in a box. Like, literally see yourself, and even you could write it down on a piece of paper. You know, I told you to write all this stuff down in black and white. You know, fold up that piece of paper, put it in a— literally a box. Now you could put that box on a shelf, you could put it out in the trash, you can burn it, you can take those ashes, you can throw the ashes around in a very dramatic ceremony, whatever the case might be. But do something physical, do something literal, because that will also help you. Now that it's down on a piece of paper, you're able to look at it logically and in black and white. That'll kind of release you, almost like taking out the trash. That's what you're doing, you're taking out that betrayal and you're throwing it away. And you're, you know, not allowing that experience, let alone that person, to do it again. Now, you may have that relationship where there's this degree of betrayal where you do forgive that individual, and you, you know, as opposed to throwing away and throwing away that individual, you're actually still, still having that individual in your life, and you're just working through that forgiveness and that release, um, and moving forward in that relationship. But that relationship is now totally different, whether you want to believe it or not. It's totally different, and it's a— and it's in a whole different, uh, box of its own, let's say. And, you know, now that relationship has to prove itself out. That individual has to prove themselves out, um, to regain your trust and that faith. Uh, so throw it away, burn it, do whatever, recognizing, um, that that's, you know, it could be the same individual but with a different experience. And now if you're moving forward with that individual, um, that it's a whole new experience you need to create with that person because your relationship is not the same. Okay, from there, what I really need you to do is You've written down the betrayal, the impact it's had on you, you, and those are emotions, those could be results, you know, the actual results of that betrayal on your life like I had mentioned earlier. You've put a name or an image to it, you've put it in a box, you've thrown it away, but now you need to look at all of that and kind of take away the lessons, the knowledge that you've gained. The new nuggets of information that you have, not only regarding that individual but regarding that experience that caused that betrayal. So for instance, even with this small situation like my AC going out and turning over, you know, $1,000 that just went right out the window, and let alone a 10-year, 12-year relationship with that company, um, it's given me a lot of new information about what I need to do the next time. For instance, when I had other people, other companies come out yesterday to quote me, I had a whole list of questions and a whole list of requirements and expectations as a result of, you know, ensuring that it doesn't happen again. Now, as quickly as I had that, I got screwed over in that little bit of, you know, of a situation that I had mentioned. With another AC guy, so I'm going to have to refine it even more because obviously I didn't ask a question when I called them for an appointment that I should have asked. So you have a lot of lessons that you learn when these situations happen, so use them. All right, now you can, you know, depending upon— of course, I don't need to form a community to talk about my AC screw-ups, you know, with service providers and product providers. But, you know, in other areas, in relationships and divorce and abuse and, you know, a business partner deceit maybe, you might want to find other people that have been through the same thing and that you can also, you know, vent and share with, but then you can also work together on or have them help you work through the journey of forgiveness and putting it behind you. And that could be professional. You could seek out professional help, um, in order to do that as well. Okay, uh, now you can, um, choose, and you may need to kind of back away, give yourself time to go through the process on your own before you form a community, before you talk to the other person or other people about the situation. Give yourself that time. Give yourself the room, the breath, the tears, whatever it is. Give yourself that opportunity to process it. If that means literally getting away, then go away. Now at that point, you might need to tell someone, you know, as to what's going on, to at least to the degree of trust me, just trust that I need to get away, I need to do this, I need to back away. Maybe it's not literally going away, you just need to back away. I need time to myself. I need to not be around this environment, this group of people. And you need to trust me, I'm not ready to talk about it. But you want to communicate in some way, shape, or form just so then, you know, especially in, you know, the connected world that we are in today, you don't want to all of a sudden go off the grid and no one know where you are. That's just not smart. So, um, communicate what you need to is the point. All right. And really just downright know you're going to come through this just like you've come through any other storm in your life. Again, if you've been on, on this earth for more than a minute and a half, because yes, you know, newborns experience trauma, uh, you've been through something. You've been through something that you've had to strip yourself down to the raw cell of the person that you are and put yourself back together again. Might not be extreme or dramatic as I'm making it sound, but we've all been through it if we've lived in any degree of life. So know that you will find your trust again. Know that you will find your faith again. And the way you're going to do that is you're you now have those lessons, you now have that new information, those new nuggets of knowledge that you are now armored with that you could do better the next time. And recognize, I said better, I didn't say perfect. I said, I never said, I won't say that you will never have it, that experience again, because life is just a learning process. So you're going to take all this information, this knowledge, these lessons, You're going to attempt and focus on applying them, but we're human and, you know, we kind of let things go again and let our guards down. And that's good. It's good to a degree. It's good to let your guard down. That means you're opening your heart. You're letting people in. You don't want to become, you know, kind of a steel wall. Where people can't penetrate it. Okay, you need to build trust and faith back into your world because it is a beautiful world. It's not an ugly world, no matter what anybody else wants to say about it. It's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful world. Um, so take these tips, process, give yourself time if you have been betrayed. I promise I'm going to do that myself, and this Certainly has helped me kind of just get it off my chest. And I did start writing it down myself, you know, kind of the moment it was happening because I, you know, I track kind of my budgets and my expenses and service providers. And in that I started writing down kind of, you know, all the little, little tidbits of experiences and events that were going on that were just totally derailing all of my trust and faith in this person. But, um, and it does, it helps. So, you know, take note. I'm going to post all of these tips, um, in a summary form out on sheddingthebitch.com on a blog post for you, and I'll do that as soon as we're done here. So, um, be sure that if you didn't capture it or you focused on one of it and lost some of the others you can go to sheddingthebitch.com and get a snapshot of all of these tips. But at the same time, I'll also, the episode will be out there so you can listen to it time and time again, share it with friends as our new friend Heidi Richards-Mooney did, and we'd be grateful for that. But whatever you do, I wanna leave you with, be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself when, when you're experiencing these forms of deep betrayal or hurt, or bitches as we call them here, and just give yourself that room and that space and that breath, and you will see the world in the beauty that it is again soon. All right, all right. I noticed that we didn't even stop. You know, in the last, what, 25 minutes. So I hope this was helpful for you. It certainly was for me. And I'll look forward to having you right back here next Tuesday at noon Eastern time for another episode of Shedding the Bitch. Thanks everyone, have a great week.

Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.