Claim the Stage and Make Your Difference with Eleni Kelakos

Are you ready to create riches in your work and life? It's time for Shedding the Bitch Radio and TV, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negativity so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches in life you deserve. So let's welcome your ball of fire host, Bernadette Boas.

Good day, good day, good day everyone, and welcome to what is going to be a great, great episode of Shedding the Bitch. And I am Bernadette Boas of Ball of Fire Coaching, who brings this to you each and every week, um, both on any podcast streaming services as well as on our Shedding the Bitch YouTube channel. So be sure to go out there and continue to like and share and tweet and rate and subscribe and follow and do all the great suggestions and recommendations of topics and guests you wanna learn from. So thank you very much for all of that because it is bringing a lot of ears and eyes to the program each and every week. And we are very, very grateful for that. Well, we're gonna have a great conversation today about claiming the stage and making your difference. Now, what we're gonna really share about is that too many women spend too much time hiding in the wings at work and in the world. As a result, their wisdom and big ideas don't reach the people who need to hear them. Claim the Stage is all about encouraging women to leap, not just lean, into leadership so they can make the difference they were born to make. Now, we want you to be listening for 3 to 4 key things. The 3 pitfalls—pleasing, politeness, and perfection—that can hold women back. How to manage the lies that bind, that limiting beliefs that can make you second-guess yourself. The 7 phases of the Claim Your—Claim the Stage cycle that take you from the wings to the spotlight. And lastly, the importance of showing up, stepping up, and speaking up when it matters. Now let me introduce our guest and then we'll bring her in. Elena Koulakis, the speaker whisperer, uses performance techniques learned over decades as a professional actress and singer to help executives speak with more confidence and impact. When she's not coaching individuals or facilitating trainings at companies like General Motors, Allstate, Eleni practices what she preaches, firing up conference audiences with her signature keynote presentations. She's particularly passionate about encouraging women to step up and share their wisdom on public platforms. She is a graduate of Brown University. Eleni is a past president of the National Speakers Association of Michigan. She has sung the national anthem at Shea Stadium for 3 winning, winning Met games and produced 4 acclaimed CDs of original songs. She's the author of the award-winning book Touch the Sky: Find Your Voice, Speak Your Truth, Make Your Mark, and the number 1 bestseller Claim the Stage: A Woman's Guide to Speaking Up, Standing Out, and Taking Leadership. Help me welcome Eleni to this show. How are you?

I'm so good. I am so good. I'm so excited to be here.

I am so excited that you're here as well. And I love this topic. Absolutely love this topic. And we are going to get right into it. But before we do, what I'd like you to do is tell us a little bit about yourself. I love helping our audience like, know, and trust so they do with our guests. So help us understand who Eleni is.

Well, started out as an actress, a professional actress in New York City and LA, and was really obsessed with that for quite a while, and then became an obsessive singer and songwriter. And through that process, I found my voice. Probably why I, I am so equally obsessed with helping women find and share theirs. As a young actress, I'm 6 feet tall, and I didn't exactly fit in. I was strong, I was tall, and I didn't— I wasn't— how do I put this diplomatically? Um, the guys that I auditioned with were, how shall I say, um, boob high. So, you know, and, um, and so I discovered that this was a problem, and I began to see it that way in my own brain. I began to diminish myself with my own story around my height. You know, I started to think I'm too tall to be cast as a professional actress, and I started literally almost apologizing for who I was, my whole physicality and the presence that I brought. Wow. Until I made some switches around it, which really shifted how I looked at myself and ultimately began to shift my life in the direction of my life, pointing in a sense to the work that I do now.

Right. Oh my gosh, that is such an awesome story. And, you know, unfortunately we can't see how tall you are, but 6 foot. And, you know, we all need to be able to relate to the fact that we all have issues. You know, even successful people who we look at like yourself, you know, who is an actress and who is, you know, an author, we need to know that it's, you know, we all deal with what we call bitches here. In our world. So that is absolutely awesome. And so your whole take on claiming the stage came from where?

Well, in my, in my work, and almost for almost 20 years now, I have been working. I have my own business, it's called The Elainey Group, and I, I work with people, both men and women. But I gotta say, I've got this little soft spot in my heart, and I'm, I'm on my soapbox around working with women. Yeah, because I cannot tell you how many people and how many women in particular have come to me because they know that they are not bringing it. They're not bringing all of themselves to the platform. And when I say the platform, I mean the speaking platform, whether that be the boardroom, whether that be a proscenium stage, whether, you know, they're not allowing themselves to show up fully, and it's hurting them. They're not getting the, um, they're not getting moved up into positions of greater authority and leadership. They're second-guessing themselves left and right. Their beautiful wisdom, their big ideas are being kind of kept under here someplace, you know. And, and so this really started to bother me more and more, more to the degree that not only did I put a coaching program around it, but I wrote a book called Claim the Stage. Because I believe that we're meant to claim the stage. I have different terminology for it depending on how I'm talking and to whom I'm talking, but another way I put it is we're meant to touch the sky. You know, we're meant to reach for the best in ourselves. Love that. Love that. Yeah. So, and, and I felt strongly, and I feel strongly now in this moment, enough that I've got goosies talking about it, Bernadette, but I really feel that we need more women's voices out there. You know, we need—

agreed, agreed, 1,000%.

Yeah, we need voices that reflect us, what we need, what we want, what we know is right for us, and we need it in at certainly the highest levels of legislation. We need it, you know, we need it certainly in places where the decisions are made. But honestly, we also need to be able to just speak up in our own lives, you know, say no when we mean it, say I want this when we want it, you know, and not hide and not wait for someone to pull us from the wings to center stage. But do it ourselves.

Oh, I actually, I call it honor your riches. You know, they need to, you know, they need to go out and really honor the wonder that they are and just, you know, kind of go for it. Just claim that stage.

I love that. Honor the riches, Bernadette. I love that so much because that's what, to me, that's what it's all about. I mean, we all have these immense gifts and talents and abilities, right? And, um, you know, I'm not saying that everyone should be, uh, trying to be front and center, as public as possible. I'm not saying that. I am suggesting it for many women, but I'm not suggesting it for everyone. I'm saying wrap yourself around the things you do well and allow yourselves to put them forth into the world. And when it comes to this book, right, This is really about using voice, putting your voice literally out there and harnessing those talents and abilities in the name of that. Right.

Now, help though our viewers and our listeners describe what you mean by voice because—

Well, actually, you know, I'm so glad you asked me that. When I say voice, I mean your perspective. I mean your experience. I mean your literal voice sometimes. You know, I work with women who sometimes are really hesitant to share, literally share their voice or thoughts or opinions. They will literally just clam up and shut down. They'd rather shut up than speak up. So, and sometimes I'm working with people whose voices are very, very small, literally as in the sound of them, because they feel some shame or hesitation or trepidation around letting that voice ring out, you know.

Why would you say women, even with a small voice or a big, big voice, what are the reasons they're giving you that they're shutting down, that they're not using it. Were they impacted? Were they in a situation?

There are so many reasons, and there are reasons certainly that reflect the unique experience of each of the women that I'm working with. But I want to say that really by and large what's happening is that women are second-guessing themselves. In a sense, it's self-inflicted Silence. And I want to say right out loud, there are a lot of things shutting us up from the outside in too. You know, there are all kinds of, uh, kind of societal, societal mores, and there are, there's certainly institutional silencing that occurs. But I, I'm talking about things that you control here, really, because I feel like we can, we can focus on the things we can control, right, sometimes. Better than the things that are out of our control. Love that. So yeah, so, so when I'm— when I'm— I feel, and I have found, that women will tend to trip themselves up by falling into what I call the 3 pitfalls. And you mentioned them, and it bears repeating them. It's the pitfall of pleasing, right? Well, oh gosh, will they like me? Is this the right thing to do in order to make them happy with me? There's that sense. And then there's the pitfall of politeness. I don't know. It's not done, is it? Am I being too loud? Am I being too bossy? Am I stepping over a line and offending people and potentially damaging relationships, something very important to us. In terms of the way our brain works, right? And then finally, the pitfall of perfection. Oh, as a perfectionist, you know, this is for us. And, you know, is it perfect? Am I ready yet? You know, maybe I'll be ready in 185 years. Yeah. Am I ready yet? Yeah. You know, yeah. And, and, and, you know, Bernadette, around this, I want to just state this, you know, we have been, as women, in a one-down power position for generations. When you're in a one-down power position, and you have someone, in a sense, dominating you in a patriarchal world, you're always on the lookout. You're always trying to figure out, what do they need? What do they want? Because, at its absolute base level, survival is what's at stake here. So pleasing comes from that, right? Whiteness comes from that. Perfection comes from that. And for, you know, and just one more thing, and then I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll just, I'll, I'll be quiet. Um, no, no, no, no, don't. But perfection too, you know, this is something that, I mean, I feel like they're all three really important, but the the perfection aspect. As women in the workplace, we really do feel we need to be as perfect as possible. And actually, it's in many ways it's been expected of us. We feel like we have to do it 10 times better than your average male out there.

So is that, is that though, is that though justified because we're still fighting many disparities? Inequality. So is it both justified, but then it's also just a lot of your internal belief systems and what we call bitches in this world? Yes, I think it's both.

It's a nice heady combination of the two. And then what comes out of it, what comes out of it are all those limiting beliefs that I call lies that bind you, the bitches. And, and we— so we start to listen to the lies that bind, and we start to believe them. They're just simply limiting beliefs. And, you know, beliefs are just simply thoughts that you've thunk enough that they've dug their little toes into your subconscious brain, and, and they start to steer you like a car, and you don't even know they're doing it. But you start to think, um, You know, if I speak up in this meeting, if I speak up in this meeting, I'm going to say the wrong thing. I usually do. So, it's better if I'm quiet. So, we, we, where there's a potential for less risk-taking. Right, right, right. You know, if we capitulate to those, to the lies that bind, aka the bitches. And by the way, I call the little guys on the, on the shoulders that yak into your ear and, you know, hiss these lies that bind. I call them Mo and Shmo. Oh, I love that. Yeah, Mo and Shmo, and they're very loud. I love that. Well, I love lies that bind.

I mean, yeah, I mean, that's just absolutely perfect. Um, and you could— do you tie that right back to those 3 Ps, especially the perfection?

But also, yeah, I feel like I, I I find when I have my clients put together lists of their lies that bind, they typically fall within those 3 categories. Wow. Wow. Right now, by the way, I always want to say this, uh, this happens with the men that I work with as well. We all have limiting beliefs that can drive us. Yeah. Yeah. But, and as I've been saying for years, actually ever since I lived in LA, when I was a singer-songwriter at that point there, and I started co-producing a women's, um, a women's monthly concert, right, just for women singer-songwriters. I, I did it with a pal of mine, my friend Annie Rapid, and we did it because there wasn't enough space for women in that world, right, to get up and, you know, room for them to showcase themselves. And I had a lot of men come up to me and say, why do you have to do this? I mean, really, isn't it kind of reverse sexism? And I said, because I know that, that men need support as well and want— need room to showcase. But there's an awful lot of that out there. We need this more right now. Right, right. And so, so even though men are— in that the men that I work with have these lives that find I, you know, and I support them with every fiber of my being. With the women that I'm working with, I'm really feeling like some of these things are stopping them in ways that are— if someone doesn't step in and help them see their ability to make a shift from the inside, their ability to have the courage to make the changes, that they're really going to stay stuck. Yeah.

Is it that, you know, it seems as if from your, you know, your energy that's coming up, that it's painful for you to, to see these women not, you know, kind of claim the stage, not be who they're meant to be. It literally looks like it's— yeah, seeping out every cell of your body. Is that totally right?

You're totally right. And, you know, I think I was born like this. I, I, and I actually believe we all have at our core, you know, some kind of a defining I call it your soul role, you know, it's that thing that just pushes you forward. And I am here really, I call myself an elevator and I'm helping to elevate others to their highest potential. You know, if I had a t-shirt, right, with my little sayings on it defining what I'm here to do, it would say, "Be you, aim high," you know. And in truth, Apparently I was like this as a kid. My— one of my first boyfriends, um, Jeff, told me that I was like this with him back in the day, encouraging him to do better in school because I felt he could. Yeah, he said, you always like that. So I think it's just part of my nature, and I find it almost painful, as you so wonderfully pointed out, when people are performing at a level that's not commensurate with their abilities, or where they're letting their beautiful talents and abilities and perspectives and wisdom— when they're holding back on sharing them, it's hard. It's very hard for me. Yeah, I've been there, so I know what it is.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Now, where does the the whole, um, title of Speaker Whisperer?

Oh, into play. Well, almost 20 years ago, I was on the road at that time as a singer-songwriter, still doing a little acting, but I had started— it's a long story, but I had, I had started to put together these little workshops that were encouraging people to find their voice. It literally put their voice courageously out there. And people, people were asking me to, to take my songs and bring them into kind of healing arts environments, and I was doing workshops around them. And long story short, during that time, I wrote a song called The Tallest Poppy Song. The tallest poppy. It was about a little poppy in a poppy field who dares to defy the law of the poppy land by growing taller than the limit sign and being everything she could be. And so then all these little poppies, baby poppies, all followed suit. And I had so many educators and parents who loved this song, and I thought, huh, I'm on to something here. Yeah. And so I put together a program for young girls who were middle school, just when they start to be told, don't be you. And, and, uh, created a one-woman Tall as Poppy show and went in and started working with them to help them again sort of that know who you are, put it out there without apology. And it was during this time that I found the, the National Speakers Association, and somebody told me I should consider putting together a program like this for adults. So I called it Touch the Sky. And at the same time, I started thinking, gosh, this, there seems to be a need here. I wonder if I can put together programming and coaching to help people when they get up in front of, front of groups, you know. Right. Learn to manage my fears. I get to learn how to deal with, uh, performance anxiety. I bet I can help them. And so the Speaker Whisperer, if you will, was born, meaning my role in that regard was born, right? I didn't officially trademark it until about a year and a half to 2 years ago, but that is what I feel I am. I am using the medium of words, you know, it's, it's, it is in that arena that I'm doing this work. Yeah, so because people have messages to share, and I want them to be able to share them. Right, right.

Great, that answered my question as to why was it, you know, like in what respect did you see that, that, you know, them using their words? Yeah. Would you believe that they have a story to tell? Everybody has a story.

Completely. And I'm working with a lot of entrepreneurs who are having to go out there and pitch their services, uh, put their message out in the world and they have to be able to do it in a way that attracts people to them in a human, relatable manner. I work with authors and thought leaders, people running businesses who are trying to find some way to attract people to what they do. And I've said this a million times because I'm in the leadership world, but I'm in the speaking world and they interlink. Absolutely. Great leaders are great speakers. When you're in front of people as a speaker, you are a leader, right?

People listen to you, right? Pay attention to you. Sure, sure. So that's why I did love the whole, um, you have a, um, a free ebook around getting over stage fright. And I bring that up now because, um, you, you just made a blanket statement that, you know, every, every leader, you know is a strong speaker. And try, you know, I'm sure there's tons of people listening or and watching going, oh my God, no way, like, I would never get up on stage and I have nothing to say. And, and so those must be just ripe opportunities for you.

They are. My husband jokes and says you'll never be out of work because this is one of the biggest fears known to man. Right away, really, yes, people, if they go to my home page opt-in, they can get this great little free book with some great tools around that. And look, as a professional speaker, as a professional actor, right, I have been, I have been scared to death. I, you mentioned, you mentioned singing at Shea Stadium, right? Well, I gotta tell you that when I got the call to sing there, I was very excited. I was very nervous. But you have to know that the day of, when I, when I was put in that little holding area staring out, you know, at the microphone waiting for me, this little grizzled old groundskeeper came up to me and he whispered in my ear, you know, the great Robert Goulet, the singer, forgot the words to the national anthem. And then when he opened the gate and he ushered me out onto the field, and you can only imagine what happened. I mean, Moe and Shmo leaped out onto my shoulder. All I could think of was, as you can imagine, you know, oh my God, I'm going to forget the words. And then conveniently I did. Actually, what I did was a little mashup of words. And, you know, I got through that song, but I mean, I was in tears at the end, you know. And it was pretty public. There were 34,000 people there. Yeah, yeah. So I had to learn. I knew I was in trouble. I was young, I was 24, and I knew, I knew I had to figure out what to do. I knew I had to figure out how to handle those kinds of spotlight moments without getting thrown. And that— those are the tools that I learned in acting class and that I've used for years now with my clients. And I know because I've been there. Yes.

Yeah, I think what you're also raising up is even someone as talented and outgoing and gregarious as you are gets nervous. Yes. And they get scared. And yet, you know, at the same time, they also live through it. You've lived through it, and you went on to actually do it 2 more times.

That's exactly right. Right. You live through it and you learn through it.

Right.

And if you are, you know, I really believe this. I study master-level peak performers. I have the greatest respect for people who have to show up over and over and over again on the playing field. And I mean, the playing field can be anything, you know. Absolutely. And because consistency is what we're looking for, everyone has to deal with, with all that, you know, that adrenaline kicking through your body. And listen, if right now, I don't know, some major news outlet called, if CNN or Good Morning America said, hey, Lainey, come talk to us about about your book, Claim the Stage, I'd say yes. And I'd be, I admit, my, I'd have those little butterflies in the stomach and Moan Shmoan would be there. And I'd have to, I'd have to help myself bring myself into my body, find that breath and, and center myself so I could do what I would be there to do.

Absolutely. And, and so you help individuals not only through your free ebook, which I have the link listed below. And for those of you listening, you just have to go to her website, theelainigroup.com, and right there you can fill out some information and download that ebook. But so through that and through your work, if someone's out there and they are like, well, I am a leader and I do want to be speaking and using my voice, they can reach out to you for that. They can.

You know, I love doing that work. I do a great deal of it. I love helping people put together what I call their signature talks. You know, we all have something that we want to put forth into the world, and it's so much fun to help people shape it and then find the courage to put it out there. But, you know, being able to put out your quarterly numbers in a way that actually engages people, that's wonderful too. Yeah. How about just even speaking up in a meeting? Right. And not just letting everybody else talk and just sitting there thinking, hmm, I'll just wait for someone to notice me here. I'm sure someone will notice me eventually, you know. Yeah.

So what do you recommend of how someone can manage their fear and anxiety so they can take that step and, you know, boldly ask or boldly make a statement or boldly stand on a stage? What would you say that someone can do?

Well, first of all, because I am historically a professional actress for many years, I believe in preparation. In fact, I believe in it enough that I've stuck this saying that I like to speak on my wall, and it says, "Practice builds confidence, confidence builds presence, and presence is power." Nice. Practice, right? And so that could be as simple as doing the work to, let's say we're talking about straight-on presentation, of doing the work not just to put that, put the PowerPoint together, or whatever, but actually speaking it out loud until it becomes a part of you. This is how actors think. They they step into a rehearsal period that gives them the time to breathe it in and make choices around the material, the strongest choices that they can, until they get sick of it and can't wait to get in front of an audience. You know, in fact, so, but that's one aspect of it. You can do all that work, however, and still be waiting to go on. And be overtaken by Mo and Schmo. And what happens is that you will sphincter up. Yes, that is a professional term. You will sphincter up. You will shut down. Every part of you will shut down, right? You'll be overloaded by lies that bind. Your adrenaline will have kicked in. You'll move into your head where Mo and Schmo lives, and your body will freeze. And if your body freezes, you can't think. I like to say, you know, if you're on lockdown, you can't think. And if you can't think, you can't speak. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. So you have to be able to be in a relaxed and breathing body. You have to help yourself be in a relaxed breathing body before you step into the spotlight moment. And then nudge yourself back into it if need be. Yeah, so I do have—

I had taken acting classes. I take like improv and, and a number of other things just for the heck of it. I took an acting class and I was doing a play called The Dining Room, and I blanked, totally blanked when I got up on stage to where they had to slide the script across the dining room table I can kind of peek at it. Now, fortunately, it was during practice. But, you know, but I love your points about just the fact that, you know, one, I definitely love your points about practice and preparation because it was definitely lack of preparation that I— yeah. But, you know, I absolutely love that. But also just then, you know, being calm, cool, and collected. Did, because I certainly was not. But yeah, being calm, cool, and collected. And so when women want— specifically women want to all of a sudden speak up and be bold, you know, in the role, in a conference room, what can they do as they're sitting there, or even before they walk into the room maybe?

Great, I'm glad you asked. I have a very simple tool that I'd like to suggest, and it's called F FBI, foot, breath, intention. I like to do this as a preparation tool, and it's also great if you, something throws you, which you know invariably it will. So, so what, and you can do this even while you're sitting in a Zoom call, right, or waiting to step in. F is for floor, footing, feet, or foundation. Feel the floor under your feet, ground yourself, feel Mother Earth supporting you, right. That's step 1. Step 2 is B, bring your breath into your belly. Because when your adrenaline shifts into high gear, your breath will go high up into your upper kind of quadrant of your chest, if you will.

Is that why people break out in hives like I do?

Yes, yes. Well, that's just, you know, aren't you fortunate? Or they blush, or they sweat, right? But we hyperventilate when it goes up there. So you want to bring that breath into the, kind of the, into your nice belly. So I always say one simple way to do that, especially while you're waiting, you can even do this while you're just sitting there waiting to step into the Zoom meeting, or the meeting itself, or even when you're in the meeting, but inhale and exhale and follow your breath. I like to say if you can do it 10 times, right, ideally with your eyes closed, but if you can't, do it with your eyes open. Follow the breath in and out and think a word that makes you feel good at the top of it, like peace or center. By around breath number 7, you'll have wrestled your breath, if you will, out of the jaws of Mo and Shmo. You'll have filled yourself. So that's B. And I is for intention. You've got to know why you're in that meeting or why you're giving that presentation. It's your purpose. It's what you're there to do in relationship to that audience of one or many. I like having my clients write it down, and it's good to remind yourself of that. Yeah. Right? What am I here to do? Right. When you're thrown, you want to, you want to help yourself get back on task. Sure. I is also for eyeball to eyeball, heart to heart. It's a reminder you're there to actually connect with people. Yes. And, uh, you know, so, and you can use SBI! when you are thrown. I like to do it by having water with me, and if something throws me, I'll stop for a minute. I will find the floor with my feet. I'll take a sip of water. You have to exhale. You've got to connect with your breath. I'll bring my breath into my belly, and then I'll remember my intention. What am I here to do? What's the task at hand? And step back in. I love that. Very simple, but I'll tell you, it works. I've had to implement it myself.

Yeah, and it's easy to remember, FBI. Yeah. You know, foot, breath, intention. Foot, breath, intention. Foot, breath, intention.

It's something you can do in your control in an out-of-control scenario. When you're focused on something, Mo and Schmo, who are the epitome of fear, they can't grab you. Fear cannot hit a moving target. Action trumps fear. Yeah.

Oh, that's beautiful. Action trumps fear, everyone. Entromps fear. So if you ever get fearful or anxious, just take an action is what you're saying?

Yes, get involved in the activity. Focus on the activity. Focus heavily on FBI. It pushes away the distractions and the detractors and the distractors.

Right, right. Now what about— and you talked about a scenario at the very beginning. What, what about a situation where someone was shut down once and then all of a sudden, especially if that, that someone who was shut, uh, who, uh, shut them down is of a senior significant role, then, you know, what do you suggest? Does FBI work them through that as well?

That's such a, that's a great question. We could talk about that one all day because there are times when, when you are shut down, when, when someone in a position of authority who could hire or fire you is asking you to be quiet in a sense, right? And you have to know where that line is. You know, you certainly do not want to publicly, I want to use the word shame that person or come back at them like a little whiny person, right? You want to certainly be respectful of their— where they are in the hierarchy, if you will. That said, I always feel that a scenario like that, this is when you, this is when you reach out to that person afterwards, and you set up a meeting. And you say, I wanted to talk to you about that moment. I really felt strongly about it. Here's what I wanted to say. And I'm really wanting to encourage myself to speak up and speak out when I feel strongly about something. And I would love to have your support around it. You know, to find some way to talk about it in a situation that's not heated. Yeah. Right? Right. And because what happens with us is we'll also, with men very often, they meet, someone might say no to them or shut them down and they'll come right back. You should. It's fine. Sometimes, depending on the scenario, we might want to say, oh well, actually no, I'm not done. I really do have strong feelings. I would love to be heard. Right. You know, and there's ways to do that. Um, and it really depends on the scenario.

Right. I love that. I love that. So what would you say if a woman wanted to really kind of step in, not just lean in, and, you know, claim the stage and, you know, kind of reveal her power? What's that one thing that she could be doing or practicing maybe, you know, each and every day?

Stop getting ready to get ready and step in. Really. Repeat that. Stop getting ready to get ready and step in. Stop thinking about going after that position and throw your hat in the ring for the job. Stop wondering if you should speak up at the meeting and speak up. Stop considering putting together a presentation or upping your game around your marketing pitch around your business or whatever, and go get some coaching around it and take it to someplace that reflects you and your passion and your marvelous yumminess, and then put it out there. Say yes to every speaking engagement that you can. Yes to every opportunity to lead, not just kind of lean in from the wings and wonder, right?

Is there anything though, because, you know, now, you know, risk-taking pops up for me, um, you know, courage, bravery, um, ignoring, ignoring that, that— which one's Schmo? Is Schmo the bad one?

They're both bad. They're both naysayers. They're not— they're both bad.

So is there something that you do to help them even recognize and self-identify that these are, these are the things that are getting them kind of caught up and that what they could be doing to put them down?

I will have my clients write a comprehensive list of their lies that bind. Oh, that's the life. From the point of view of Mo and Schmo. From like their mouth, like, "Nobody's going to take you seriously," you know, as it's spoken from Mo and Schmo. Right. Then I suggest that they take those phrases and they turn them into what I call power phrases. They go to the core of the lie that binds, the negative statement, and turn it inside out like a sock. And they write a positive, useful, affirming phrase that goes to the core of it that they can speak or think that begins to shift their mindset, that creates new neural beliefs. Right. So what I mean by that, new neural pathways is what I meant to say. So that, so that that statement might become, because I believe in what I have to say and in my expertise, I take myself seriously and others do too. And then begin to marry yourself to these new phrases which create new beliefs, which, which really basically will shift the way you think about yourself. Courage is an inside job. It starts from inside. You have to begin to shift these changes from the inside out. I love that. Yeah.

So, so what you're saying, and of course, you know, you're not claiming this happens like in, you know, the minute you come up with that power. So they use that. So you suggest that they use that like each and every day, like they're talking to themselves on a regular basis. Yes.

I will have my clients take that new list and have them record it and listen to it, actually record each one of those power phrases, 3 times in a loop and listen to it before they fall asleep at night, before they get up in the morning when their minds are open and receptive, their brainwaves are at most receptive. I will have them literally do things like go, "Pssst," when it's uttered, when Mo and Shmo utter one of those things, or say, "No," and speak it out loud. I'll have them take the power phrases and, you know, marry themselves to one and make 20 copies of it and put it all around the house, in their car, in their wallet, on their fridge. Yeah. And when they see it, to think it, speak it, you're making a shift. It takes time. It's process work. Yes.

And I love the idea of, um, of like recording it and listening to it like as you're falling asleep. I've done that a great many of times, not only with things that I voiced but either other affirmation or other type of audio. And that's a beautiful, beautiful— and it's amazing how you feel, how different you feel when you wake up in the morning.

Oh, I think it's just nothing short of brilliant. And, and really honestly, you know, peak performers like Michael Phelps, the swimmer, this is what he does. And he visualizes too. Visualization, you know, all the tools that I love are ones that we can do ourselves. And I love encouraging women to create material that speaks in their voice that they can use to inspire themselves. Stop looking for stuff from the outside to motivate or inspire them and start to find that from the inside out. We need to learn to do that. We need so much— we are used to getting yes or no from the outside. You know, we are— we need to be able to give ourselves permission, and we need to be able to help ourselves find that permission to step out, right? Speak up.

I love it, love it, love it, love it, love it. Oh, and Lainey, thank you so much. And I want to remind everybody of a couple things. Well, one, she's offering that free ebook to get over your stage fright, just go to theelanigroup.com.

I also want you to be checking out her books.

Her books, let's see, Touch the Sky, Find Your Voice, Speak Your Truth, Make Your Mark, and the number one bestseller that she's holding up— oh, she's holding up both— the number one bestseller, Claim the Stage: A Woman's Guide to Speaking Up, Standing Out, and Taking Leadership. Can both of them be found on Amazon?

Yes, they can. Yes, they can. Waiting for you. Awesome, awesome.

Thank you so much. This has been fabulous. We could talk forever.

We really could, Bernadette. I am speaking to a like-minded human, and it's a joy, joy to have spent time with you.

Oh, you as well. You as well. I'll probably have to have you back to— on a different angle, um, because I love love your approach to this, but I thank you so much for being part of it.

It's been fabulous. You're welcome. Thank you so much. You're welcome.

And for everyone, how great was that? So the Eleni Group, just go out there, theelenigroup.com, and check her out. Download that free guide to get over stage fright and then check out her book. And the services that she provides to help you claim the stage and make your difference. Alright, I am so happy that you've been here, whether you're on our Shading the Bitch YouTube channel or listening to us on one of many podcast streaming services, and I'll look forward to having you right back here next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Take care, everybody. Have a great, great week. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

Thank you for taking part in Shedding the Bitch Radio and TV with Bernadette Boas. We would love to know what your biggest takeaway was. Go to Shedding the Bitch on Facebook or YouTube and leave a comment. You can also subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts and YouTube so you don't miss a single episode of the show. And with your input, we can help other powerhouse women just like you find the show and decide if it's right for them. Learn more about Bernadette at balloffirecoaching.com. See you next week.