Dealing with the Hard Blows and Pitfalls in Your Career and Life with Suzie Carr

Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back.

818-572-2910.

Good day, good day, good day everyone. How are you? It is a beautiful day here. I'm in Atlanta this week. And it's absolutely gorgeous. It's like 70 degrees. You would never know it was wintertime. But I hope it is wherever you might be. We have a great show lined up for you today because my weekend, I'll just say, was definitely full of life's curves and life's obstacles and life's struggles and challenges.. And it's very appropriate and very timely that we'd be having this conversation today. Um, so you're definitely going to want to, uh, sit tight, stay tuned, grab a pen and paper, whatever the case might be. But speaking of this past weekend, I do want to do a shout out to all of you in the Shed in the Bitch community who, uh, really was, uh, cheering me on and supporting, uh, kind of a year's worth of hard work going into a speaker showcase on Saturday. And I'm not going to take the time to discuss it here. You know, you can stay tuned on Shedding the Bitch Facebook page because I certainly will be sharing how, you know, how it really can kind of suck when you put so much time, energy into something for a really long time and you're really pumped up about it and it just doesn't go the way that you want it to. Except at the same time, You know, as they say, life is about— not about how you fall down, but how you pick yourself up. So I definitely chose to make lemonade out of lemons. And I'll be certainly sharing that via pretty much anywhere I can kind of purge it, just to kind of process it and work it through. Plus, there's some great lessons for everybody. That said, I want to thank all of you for your great support all year going into it, doring it, tweeting, Facebooking with me. Sending me actually private messages, and then, you know, as it unfolded throughout the weekend. So thank you very much. Now, if you haven't done it yet, please go back and listen to our latest Ask Bernadette episode. We actually aired it the last 2 weeks simply because last week I had an immediate or last-minute conflict. But I'm getting some great input and feedback on it because we talked about everything that you are probably dealing with right now, getting into a new year and trying to kick off not only from a work perspective with maybe performance reviews and yearly planning, but at the same time, we all know that a good amount of you drop off, about 40 to 50% of you drop off from pursuing your New Year's resolutions. As soon as this week in January, let alone February, March, or July. So we talked about goal setting. We talked about time management, how to increase your productivity by over 250%, and I guarantee that if you were to follow some of those tips. We talked about assessing your achievements, looking back at 2016, even last month, last week, yesterday, and making adjustments so you can have A much more productive, um, and higher guarantee of achieving your goals. So there's a lot of great content. And obviously because, uh, both episodes have been getting a lot of listens to it and shares and whatnot. So, um, there's something for you there. Uh, if you haven't joined our private Facebook group yet, uh, it is Shift to Riches. Uh, you just need to go to facebook.com/groups/shifttoriches. Www.sheddingtheshift.com/shifttoriches. And as I promised, I'm starting to deploy and share and have kind of more one-on-one opportunities with you in the community to kind of dig deep and get your shift to riches moving for this particular year. And then if you go to Shedding the Bits Facebook page, you'll see the first online masterclass And it's free, no cost to you, but it's an online masterclass of going through our Shift to Riches Formula that we're always discussing, getting you really prepared with your very own rich plan that you create during that masterclass. It's 1 hour online. And, uh, so take a look for that as well. You can get all the information on our Shannon Bitts Facebook page. Uh, let's see what else is going on in our world. I think that is it. We have some great episodes coming up. We're going to be talking fitness and kind of getting your mindset into that particular area of your life that you might be dealing with and struggling with. And then we have some great guests coming up in regards to leadership and your career path, and then they also, uh, even starting your own business and working through what you really need to do to be a successful possible in any of those ventures. So a great amount of, of programs coming up for you, and I would always— Deborah and I would always appreciate your input, your insights as to what it is that you want to be learning and hearing about as we move forward too. And if you ever have recommendations for guests or topics, then always feel free to share them directly with me, Bernadette Boas at sheddingthebitch.com. Go to our Facebook page, share them there. You can even email them into our media relations at sheddingthebitch.com as well. Lastly, I almost, I almost forgot. Lastly, by Monday we will also be deploying what I once had a very popular Rich Tips kind of an ezine, a brief, a newsletter, call it what you will. And I am re-establishing that and will be deploying that. And it will have some video messages from me, some tips, as well as some article shares. It will have some recommended readings that you might want to do. And it will also just kind of advertise what guests we have coming up in the, in the coming weeks. So stay tuned for that and be sure to sign up for it so you're getting that every couple weeks from the Shedding the Bitch community. All right, so today's topic, I think we all need, stay in the course, life curves, whatever you want to, you know, however you define your struggles. Our topic today is going to be all about the fact that life is full of curves.— some great, some not so great. It's easy to stay the course when things are looking up, but what does one do when life tosses you a curve and throws you off balance? So our guest, Suzy Clark, novelist and motivational podcaster, will share how she deals with the beauty of life's curves, and I will introduce her again more formally in a few minutes after we take a break. But what you're going to hear and learn is how to figure out your why. We call it the why spot here. She's going to share with you her take on how you need to figure out what your why is and why that's important in order for you to achieve your goals. And then she's going to talk with us about how to stay focused even when life deals a hard blow or a curve and how to stay present and engaged in an ever-growing chaotic world, which we all know about. So based on all that, this is your rich question I want you to be thinking about, maybe jotting down, and most likely Susie will answer it, and if not, then please either call in, 1-818-572-2910, you can talk to us directly. You can also post it on Twitter or Facebook, and we'll make sure that if it's not live here on the, on the program, we'll get it to Susie so she can provide you some insights via our Shedding the Bits Facebook page. Deal? All right, so your rich question for today, and it's perfect timing everybody, even though you could ask yourself this question each and every day, but it is a great time to kind of clean out and purge and shed, as we call it, whatever struggles or curves you are allowing yourself to get kind of stuck with. So here is a rich question. What is your number one struggle that you are experiencing right now in any area of your life which could be making it hard for you to focus, have energy, and pursue, let alone achieve your goal? All right. So what is that one struggle? I do not care how small it is or how big it is.

You should not either.

But think about that, and we'll get into that conversation with Suzy in just a minute. And the rich tag to conversate with us and to collaborate with us is both success, so #success, or hashtag shedthebiz. So can you tell I need a commercial break already? Anyway, so those are your rich questions and your rich tags, and when we get back, we're going to introduce you to our phenomenal guest, Suzy Carr. We'll be back in just a few seconds.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business. Available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors: TSR Consulting, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate size clients. Go to TSRConsulting.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium size businesses. Email deborahparker@parkerhouse.com. Deborahparker78@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests, and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. I am so excited to have this conversation with our guest today. It's all about life's curves and how you handle them. So Susie Carr is a contemporary novelist, animal and equal rights advocate, blogger, and podcaster. She has written 10 lesbian fiction novels, a motivational book, and 2 books on the craft of writing, and produced a video course for writers. Her novel Sandcastle placed as a runner-up in the 2015 Rainbow Book Awards for Best Contemporary Lesbian General Fiction and for Best Lesbian Book, and was nominated for a Goldie Award in the lesbian general fiction category. Additionally, her novel Staying True received an honorable mention in the 2013 Rainbow Book Awards for best lesbian romance. All 10 of her novels were bestsellers on Amazon. Excuse me, I just kind of did something wrong there. OK. On Amazon with her latest, The Dance, remaining in the top 20 for lesbian romance for several months after its release in February of this— last year. And also just received a runner-up award in the 2016 Rainbow Book Awards for the best lesbian book. Gee, wow, that's fabulous! Carr has spent the past 7 years building a strong author platform. She is frequently a guest on various popular internationally syndicated internet radio and podcast shows and stays in close contact with her fans on social media where on Twitter alone she has over 18,000 active followers. She also believes strongly in giving back to the community and heads— I'm sorry, and donates a portion of book sale proceeds to the Hearts United for Animals and NOH8 campaign. Welcome accomplished and award-winning novelist Susie Carr. Welcome, Susie.

Hi, Bernadette. Thank you so much for having me on your show.

You are very welcome. I'm so impressed with all of those awards and accolades because I know how difficult it is to write a true story, a fiction book, or I'm sorry, a nonfiction book, let alone 10 fiction novels. That is quite the, that is quite the accomplishment. But I love this subject that you talk about and So I first want to ask, before getting into the core of that, that topic, I want to ask, how do you— how did you move from the novel writing and then writing video series and those things for authors to then also providing some coaching and guidance and life advice in regards to dealing with life curves and successes and obstacles? And everything that we're going to talk about today.

Sure. Well, you know, in researching for my novels, I do a lot of research, and I also do a lot of exploration into psychology of people. And so in doing that, I have, I have a great interest in why people do what they do, how characters, why characters act the way they do. And that translated really that just kind of created the perfect vehicle for me, if you will, to also, in addition to writing novels, to be able to explore that further in my blog, which is curveswelcome.com. On my blog, I blog about motivational life types of things, so anywhere from overcoming fears to finding your purpose to dealing with negative people. To having faith, things of that sort. And so, it just, I naturally gravitated towards that arena. And so, I decided, well, I've blogged for several years now and I have a really great following, a really great community of people who support that blog by chiming in and talking about it on social media and in social media groups. And I decided, no, I'm gonna take this a step further and I'm gonna write a how-to book. I'm going to write about productivity because I think that that's an area that a lot of people struggle with, I should say. Absolutely. I have a lot of people who contact me and talk to me about that and ask me, well, you know, how do I deal with that? So I put together, you know, all those years of research in these very topics on motivation, and along with that research, also, you know, I follow and listen to a lot of podcasts and read a lot of books on self-help. And so all of that just sort of created this great platform to write a book about it.

Nice, nice.

And she—

so I want to reiterate, she mentioned a couple things there. Her website, curveswelcome.com, and check out her blog. It is, you know, the topics that she talks on is, you know, are many that we talk about here, and she definitely has her own viewpoint and take on it. So I think you'll get a lot from it. So curveswelcome.com. And as well On Facebook, it is Suzy Carr— oh, I'm sorry, it's suzycarr.author, but I just put in Suzy Carr and you'll see her pop up. There is a few, but you'll see her photo and see which one is actually Suzy. And then Twitter is @girl— it's @girl_novelist. So on Twitter, it's @girl_novelist. So I think that's fantastic because you're— you're expanding not only yourself and your own skill set and expertise, but also now you're really contributing beyond storytelling to really help the sanity, the sanity of individuals out there. So when you think about life's curves and obstacles, the outcome, ultimately we all want to have kind of a certain result. How do you define success for whether yourself or for other people in order for you to always have that milestone, that end goal in mind?

Right. Well, for me, my whole motto is learn it, share it. And keeping that in mind, I love to learn, which is why I think I really love the whole research aspect of my novel writing because I go deep into the hands-on research. I mean, I knew nothing about about beekeeping, and I wrote a book called The Dance where I wanted to bring about the plight of the honeybees in addition to creating a romance story around a beekeeper. And so I went and I became friends with local beekeepers, and I go there often now, and I get to hang out with tens of thousands of honeybees. So it's that kind of learning that just really excites me. And so, definition for success, I would say is It's living in a state of constant growth where the burning desire is always lit. Here is something that I talk about sometimes on my blog and social media is that I think people have to be careful in how they set their expectations for success because sometimes you can set yourself up for failure because your expectations for success might not be realistic. So, you know, in other words, if you say to yourself, the only way I'm going to be successful is if I get married— well, what if that doesn't happen? You can't force something. You can't control the universe or God, how that's going to happen. So, so you're going to live every day a failure until you get married. And to me, that's, that's something that's not attainable on a daily basis. So I I try to recommend to people set a goal for success to be something that you can take action on daily and feel successful in doing that.

Right, right, right. No, I love that. And I want, only because they're very tweetable comments you made. So I heard constant learning, 'cause I am all over that, all over that. I love, yeah, I just love to learn new things and figure out how I can leverage it in my life. Constant learning, and then burning desire is always lit. Is that what I heard?

Yes, that's right. The burning desire to learn is always lit.

Awesome. Okay, burning desire to learn is always lit. Um, I love that. I absolutely love that. So on the opposite end of the spectrum, since we're talking life's curves, how do you not only, um, and this is going to sound weird, but how do you define fear? Because some people love it. Some people get off on like being stressed, being feared, because it kind of motivates them. But how do you define it, but, and at the same time, then how do you deal with it when it comes up?

Right. Well, you know, I would say to me, fear is really nothing more than a preconceived notion of how the future will play out in any given scenario. You know, sensing danger and taking action on that sense is what saves us from certain precarious situations, not necessarily the fear itself. So the fear in my opinion, only serves to debilitate us and not prepare us. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but you know, fear— yeah, fear is going to hold you back if you allow it to grow and manifest. And if you feed your fear, you may miss out on a lot of opportunities. I know I have, certainly have. I mean, I had a fear of public speaking, I had a fear of bugs, I had a fear— I had so many fears in life. You know, I mean, and brought on by just phobias that started out really small and just manifested into these out-of-control silly things. Um, you know, I feel like for life to really fully bloom, you need, you need love and you need light and you need freedom, right? And so a life that's lived under the veil of fear is one that lacks the nourishing qualities of truth, because fear is really irrational, and it's born out of the roots of pain and suffering, and it's really a byproduct of the imagination.

That's awesome. It's so true. There was an acronym— I suffered, you know, via fear, although, you know, many people wouldn't say I, I was fearful because I took risks that a lot of people wouldn't. But at the same time, um, I— until I really heard this acronym— and you probably have heard it— I would always get caught up in fear. But then I heard this acronym and I thought, holy crap. So the acronym is, for fear, False Evidence Appearing Real.

Yes.

So, yeah. So it's very much what you said. It's preconceived notion of what will happen in the future. So it's creating junk in your head that doesn't even that isn't even real or relevant.

Right.

Yeah.

Exactly. So, exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. Now, I know— No, please go ahead.

No, I was just going to add further to that, that, um, I mean, I've had situations where I've let fear hold me back from doing something, and, you know, and how I overcome that is I've learned that, you know what, I have to face it. And so for me, I acknowledge it, I observe it, and I sidestep it, and I move beyond it. And you know how I've done that? Circumstances, for instance, I had this horrible fear of public, which is no surprise because public speaking is the number one worst fear above dying for people. Believe it or not, the number one worst fear. And so I'm not alone in that. And you know, this carried me through from high school, and then, you know, when I started college, I almost dropped out because I knew that I would have to take an oral communications class in order to pass college. And I almost dropped out because of that in the beginning when I learned this. And thankfully, a brother-in-law of mine at the time took it with me, and I faced the fear. I stood up and I gave a speech. I had to introduce myself. And so, I my brother-in-law was sitting in the front row and I spoke to him like he was the only person in the room at the time. That is how I coped with that. And I got through that speech. And then what happened was I remember looking around the room at one point and people were engaged. They were listening to me. They were, they were welcoming and encouraging because everybody was going through the same thing. And so, you know, you surround yourself with people in an encouraging environment and you set yourself up for success. Well, it turns out I ended up loving public speaking so much I majored in it. That was my major in college, speech communications. And, you know, so I just totally blossomed in that role and I loved it. It brought out the inner ham in me. And I never would have known that. I almost dropped out of college because of that fear.

Yeah, so that's your point about, like, making sure that you acknowledge it and pay it, you know, and sit with it because you could be missing opportunities that you're meant to have if you just immediately dismiss them because you're scared.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah. Well, kudos to you, fellow seeker.

Kudos to you.

Okay, so on this subject of kind— because fear also, like you said, it totally paralyzes and paralyzes people. And they, you know, if they ever wonder why they're stuck You know, it's most likely because they're just allowing the fear to consume them. But I have to admit, and you know, I won't go into my example, but I have to admit I have a hard time letting go. I don't have a hard time forgiving, though many people do, but I do have a hard time that even if I forgive, I have a hard time letting go of what's happened in the past, which we all know doesn't serve us. But what can I do, and what can our listeners do because it is life-consuming, you know, hanging out in the past when you're supposed to be here in the present. So what would you suggest?

Yeah, I mean, absolutely forgiving someone, wow, it's so hard. I mean, I think every human being on the planet has faced a situation in life where she's had to either forgive somebody or hold a bitterness in her heart that eventually is going to really tear her down and wear down on her. And hold her back from certain situations. You know, to forgive someone is hard. It takes an enormous amount of strength to let hurt just roll off the shoulders and observe it with, say, a neutral eye. Now, many might argue on the flip side of that, that to hold on to that hurt would take even more strength over time, right? So one important point is to forgive someone does not mean that you are condoning the behavior. Because there are some legitimate reasons why somebody would need to— would want to hold on to hurt and pain and not be able to forgive somebody, because there are some terrible things that happen in this world. But the thing that I— the thing that I've learned in my life is when I forgive somebody, I free myself. So I'm not— it's not necessarily to free that person, it's to free myself. And to let myself move on. All right, so forgiving someone for their horrible actions, it doesn't mean that we're accepting what they did is okay. It absolutely doesn't mean that. They hurt us, and, you know, in no universe is that acceptable. So, you know, we're not— we are in no way justifying the wrong that they caused by forgiving them. That being said, you know, again, we can forgive people without condoning the act. And how to forgive someone? Well, One of the first things I would suggest is be patient with yourself and realize that, you know, forgiveness, it's a process and it takes time. Someone can let go in a matter of minutes— what some can let go of, I should say, in a matter of minutes, it takes years for other people to let go of. And you know what, for every single person it's individual and that's okay. It has to come from within and on that person's time. For it to be genuine and offer that person the freedom that she deserves. You know, another point is when you're ready— when you're ready, and this is critical because, you know, something only you'll be able to gauge if you're ready or not, you're the only person who can gauge this— is when you're ready to make a conscientious decision to forgive the person who's offended you, then you do. Sometimes, like I said, it takes years, it could take minutes, but it really is an individual thing. Right. You know, think of yourself as having full control over yourself as opposed to viewing yourself as a victim, okay, being controlled by the actions of others. That's a good way to sort of take the handle, take the steering wheel, if you will, on forgiveness, is knowing you have control over this situation. You are the one in control, not the person. And you're not a victim, right? Another thing a person can do is to journal to herself. It helps to release fears and anger and resentments in the words that you choose to write. I'm going to be extremely helpful.

Amen, sister. Amen. And I was journaling all weekend.

I've spent weekends doing that myself. Another thing is to keep in mind that just like no one should have control over our feelings and our actions, so too that we shouldn't have control over someone else's. So we can't change a person. I think a lot of times people feel like by forgiving, you know, you're hoping that you're going to change the person, and that's an expectation that's setting you up for disappointment. You know, we're not— We are not forgiving the person in the hopes of changing that person. We are forgiving that person to change ourselves so that we can enjoy our life, which hopefully is one full of promise, and love, and healing, and happiness.

Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. And more so, I want to reiterate, you know, what she is saying as far as, like this, I mentioned that, you know, something that happened to me over the weekend, and it, and it created great need to forgive. And, uh, I did not like how I was holding on to it, even for— it happened Saturday and it ruined my Saturday, my Saturday night, all day Sunday. And I'm processing it. I was journaling my eyeballs out. And, and I just decided, or I worked through, because I like to, um, I like to forgive fast. So I, you know, so I worked through to where, yes, by yesterday afternoon, and fortunately I had, you know, my own coach to talk with, but I was able to process it and really kind of forgive. Like Susie, like you said, I, you know, I am not like forgetting it, but I am forgiving it. And it totally, you know, allowed me to breathe and feel so much better by the time I was done. And, you know, and I will make choices and decisions based on it. You know what, what Susie's trying to also stress is don't hold on to it because it just eats at you. And who wants that? Who wants to just, you know, walk through life just, uh, feeling angst, as I like to say?

Exactly.

Yeah, well, we're going to get into some, uh, I want to get into really kind of finding your purpose in life, everyone, uh, with, um, Susie's help. So we're going to take a quick break, and when we get back, I want to talk to Susie about her ideas and her suggestions on when you're feeling trapped, you know, how do you kind of work your way through that so you can find either your purpose or even just more purpose in life. So we'll talk to Susie when we get back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors TSR Consulting,, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate size clients. Go to TSRConsulting.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium size businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker78@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, Email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. We are talking to Susie Carr, award-winning novelist as well as just an overall guru on just how to get yourself from being stuck and from being trapped, from dealing with obstacles and struggles. And we want to definitely kind of dig deep and get her advice on— Susie, when someone is seeking their purpose, maybe they haven't found it, or they just want more purpose in their life and they're feeling somewhat trapped, what would you say to them about how they could be living a more meaningful life and finding that purpose for themselves?

Yeah, finding life purpose, that's something that's really very popular. People, people want to feel that their life has meaning. And so, you know, when I think of those people in my life who live a life of purpose, the ones who come to mind are those who put a high degree of value on enriching other people. You know, I think a lot of people confuse their job as their sole place of finding purpose in the world. And if they're not in the right job, then this really becomes a point of conflict. I mean, I know I've been there years ago before I landed in the role that I'm in now. I was in financial services, and I remember thinking, my God, this is the meaning that my life has? This is not where I want to be. I mean, I remember feeling slightly depressed over that, and because I thought that, well, this is my life's work. This is where I'm supposed to derive pleasure and freedom and purpose. And so, you know, what I believe is that we need to find a deeper meaning to the daily work that we do. But this is just one layer of purpose. So yes, whatever role, however you spend the majority of your day, it should— you should be searching for a deeper meaning to that work. But it's not the only place that you can find purpose in your life. It's not just one single element. There's— it's not just one single thing that we do in life. It's a culmination of things that build the momentum and brings us to higher levels of fulfillment. So, you know, for me, when I serve others in any capacity, I feel engaged and purposeful. But, you know, I have parts of my life— I have other parts of my life that give me purpose too. So, you know, I find purpose through spending time with my dog, um, through spending time with my spouse and my friends. And so, different levels of purpose for different points of life. And so, you know, to find— I would say the common thread in finding purpose, and this is just my opinion, but it's finding ways to create meaning and joy for other people through our actions. Because when you affect somebody else in a positive way, the meaning and the feeling of that goes so deep. You exist for a reason, right? And, you know, we're not going to find purpose by sitting home on our butts, stomping on ourselves that we don't have purpose yet. We're going to find it by getting off the couch and out of the comfort zone and exploring life, exploring new things and new actions, and trying to find— create new ways to be able to affect people in a positive manner. So I always have this list of questions that I suggest that people ask themselves when they're trying to ponder their purpose. One of them is, what can I do with my day today that will bring value to someone else? Another one is, what activity makes me forget to look up at the clock? I mean, I don't know about you, I've had jobs where I just stared at that clock all day and thought, my goodness, it's not moving. That's not the way I want to spend my life. I don't want to rush my life away. I don't want to wish it away. Another thing is, another question is, what is a problem about which I care really deeply about that I can do something about? Another one is, if I had one year left to live, what would I do with that time? And that's, that's a thought-provoking question. It's going to get your brain moving and thinking. Right? If you had one year left, what would you do with it? Would you do what you're doing now? And if the answer is no to that, then stop doing it. Find something else that you would say yes to.

Right.

You know, what are the three things that are most important to you as a person? Are you paying attention to them on a daily basis? Are you incorporating them in your daily life? If not, reevaluate your time and how you spend it so that you can be focusing on those three things that are most important to you. Yeah, and you know, another thing you can ask yourself to try to figure out that drive, that passion in your life, is ask yourself, what have been my top 5 most memorable moments in my life and why? Go do more of them. You know, that's really— go do more of those things, you know. Until— here's a bit of truth— until you do something that— until you do something you really, you have no clue how it will make you feel. You might love it, you might hate it, or you just might find that purpose in it. You know, when we find something bigger than ourselves that adds value to those around us, I believe that we've aligned ourselves with our purpose.

Yep, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. I love that, I love that, I love that. Because not only that, but once you find purpose Once you find your purpose, all of a sudden you don't mind working hard. You don't mind, you know, having to push through fears, insecurities, and doubts. You don't mind having to go through the struggle because anything worth achieving is going to require a struggle of some degree.

Yes.

Yes.

I love it.

Absolutely. I mean, you know, I'm a person who people think I'm crazy because I literally get up. I get up at 2 o'clock in the morning. So that I can do my novel writing before I go to my daytime job. And I don't mind getting up at 2 o'clock in the morning. People think I'm crazy, but I can't wait to get up in the morning because I can't wait to get started. And so I would never do that for number crunching. If someone told me I had to get up at 2 o'clock in the morning to do accounting on my books, I would turn over and go back to dreamland. Like, it just wouldn't happen. So, you know, what are you willing to work hard at? And just because you're working hard does not mean that— does not mean it's not purposeful or that it's, you know, just horrible work. It's— I just, I don't know. I think for me, I'm not afraid to work hard. I feel like as long as I am enjoying what I'm doing, it doesn't actually feel like I'm working hard. It feels like I'm growing and developing. And I think that that is the key, is finding work that makes us feel like we are growing and we're expanding our minds, and it's impossible to put it back to its original shape once we've done that.

Absolutely. Okay, I have to ask you the most important question. What time do you go to bed?

Yeah, I'm asleep by 6:00, 6:30 in the evening. Yes. Yep. Wow. Now this is— now I'm not writing a novel all year, all year long. I write— I usually publish one one novel a year. And then, you know, then I— of course I do my podcast and my blogging and stuff like that. But when I'm in deep with my novel writing, that's when I'm very serious and strict about my schedule. So I'm very, very strict about it. And, you know, that usually lasts at least 3 or 4 months during my first writing of a draft. And I have to be very focused.

Yeah, good for you.

Good for you.

Yeah, yeah. And, um, everyone, I want, um, to let you know Susie's offering free to— blah blah— she's offering 2 free stories to you if you were to go to curvedwelcome.com and just submit your name and email, and she'll send you, send you them absolutely free. It'll be The Fish— is it— am I pronouncing this right? The Fish Room.

The fiche, right? Like microfiche.

Oh, got you. Okay, so that's her debut novel and then a short story called Snowflake. So just go to curvedwelcome.com and hang out, check it out, check around, get with her on Facebook and LinkedIn. Facebook is Suzie Carr author, um, Twitter is girl_novelist, but go to cursewelcome.com. Put your name and email address and get those stories. Award-winning, people. 10 bestsellers. All 10 of her novels have been bestsellers. So you're, you're definitely not going to be able to go wrong there. All right, so we've talked about, we've talked about fear, we've talked about why, we've talked about having a purpose, which is all very important, and we've even touched on, you know, kind of getting unstuck or untrapped. So we did talk about that. Some people have a hard time verbalizing their feelings, even, even quite honestly to themselves, not even to another party, but even talking and having a true honest dialogue with themselves. How can they both internally and externally with other people do a better job at being a communicator, especially when feelings are involved?

Yeah, so communication, that's, it's very difficult for a lot of people to be open communicators with not only themselves, but like you said, with other people too. Excuse me, I just had to cough there. I have a little chest cold, so I apologize. Now, communication, so whether it's with yourself or in a community, I should say in a relationship with somebody, You know, one of the key things is honesty, to be honest. And I think it's a little easier, obviously, when you're talking with yourself, to be honest with yourself. That being said, sometimes our egos get in the way, and we say we're with somebody, and then later on we're stewing over it by ourselves, and we're like, gosh, that person was just so wrong. Like, you know, she didn't listen to anything I had to say, she blah blah blah. And, you know, if you can step back and ask yourself an honest question, and the question would be, how could I handle myself better in this situation? Your brain is automatically going to go into search mode for an answer to that question, and you'll be surprised at some of the wonderful things you're going to learn about yourself. And what that does is it shuts down keeps the ego down. You know, you're asking yourself, how can I improve? Okay, how could have I been more of a listener in that situation? How could have I heard her opinion better? And you're going to find that you're going to find the answers to that question if, you know, because you're kind of stepping outside yourself and analyzing the situation. Analyzing it. And I think that's one of the biggest, the biggest lessons I've learned in life is to be able to critique myself. You know, for me, critique myself. How could I have done, handled myself better? What could have I said, you know, better? What could have I, if I was, if I was kind of raw in, in the conversation, was that necessary? Just self-analysis is really important. Now, when you're talking about in a relationship with people, I think one of the greatest skills a person can have as a communicator is to have listening skills, active listening skills. I just did a podcast on this called The Art of Conversation because I find I am— I tend to not do so well in a group setting. I'm much better one-on-one, and when I'm in a group setting, I tend to shut down because what happens is I feel people overtalk each other. They overpower the conversation, and it's exhausting. And I can't stand to have to talk over somebody to get my opinion heard, so I tend to become a listener and observer, if you will. And so, you know, that's— being a good listener requires more than just receiving messages from people. It requires a person to take an active role in the conversation by providing the person you're speaking with with not only verbal but nonverbal cues that you're actually paying attention to what the person's saying. Excuse me. So, you know, think back. When I think back to some of the best conversations I've had over the years, it's usually those conversations where the other person listened more than spoke and made me feel like nothing else in the world mattered but the ideas that I was speaking about with that person. And also that, you know, that person typically asks a lot of great questions based on what I'm talking about. So it becomes more of like a volley back and forth about exactly what you're talking about in the conversation. So, you know, some tips that I have to becoming a better listener or speaker is to, when you're involved in a conversation, restate the central idea of the conversation so that, you know, it allows both of you to pause and kind of reflect on what's being said and to be able to clarify issues. Because a lot of times misunderstandings happen because we're not really— we're not hearing what the other person is really saying, or the other person's not hearing what we're trying to say. So if you're restating something, you can clarify whether or not you're hearing that correctly. It gives the other person a chance to correct it or to, "Yes, that is what I meant." Another thing is to ask follow-up questions. So, you know, here you are in a conversation, you can reflect back on what the person's asking, or talking about, I should say, by asking pointed questions about what that person just said. So this allows you to volley back and forth and create new ideas possibly from the discussion. And, you know, another thing too is keep an open mind. I think that's the most important thing really is you don't have to agree with everything that's being stated, but you have to be willing to let go of preconceived ideas of how you think the conversation should actually go. You know, oftentimes our opinions are— they get in the way. They're hindrances. They get in the way of our learning new ideas and concepts.

So—

Yup.

You know, listening for me seems to be a fairly intuitive skill, but doing it effectively takes— it takes learning and practice. It helps to build better relationships and helps to solve problems and ensure that everything that's being said is understood in the respect that it was actually presented. Agreed.

I couldn't agree with you more. Because what I have found too in my later years of life, I wish I had learned it, you know, years and years and years ago, but everything is about communication. Everything.

How we go about the world. Yeah.

Wouldn't you agree that just everything has to do with how we not only communicate verbally, but even just our body language, our eye movements, our posture.

Everything. You know, absolutely. One of the big things that I think gets in the way of relationships nowadays is the cell phone. I mean, I, I don't know, I go out to the mall, or if I go out for dinner, I look around— families and couples, they're not paying attention to each other. They're on their cell phones constantly. That's all they do. They looked down at their cell phones instead of talking with each other. And that to me is a nonverbal cue that this person— I get really, I have to say, I get really insulted or annoyed when somebody, when I'm out for lunch or dinner with somebody and they pull their cell phone out and whatever's on that's going on at that table. Because to me that's so disrespectful. And I see it all the time. So that's a big nonverbal cue that, hey, this person, obviously seems to be distracted or disinterested in whatever is going on here. And so, that right there shuts down communication and it ruins relationships. I mean, my goodness, it is really sad, but it really is ruining relationships.

Right. Well, and people do not know how to communicate, not as a result of the fact that their head is down into a phone, but more so because they are losing touch with that interaction. They are losing that opportunity to express their feelings and their thoughts. And therefore, they are losing that skill.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Damn.

Damn, people.

Get off your cell phones.

All right. Well, I have a couple more questions, but I just want to remind everyone Susie can be found at curveswelcome.com, so be sure to go there, sign up, put your name and email address, and she'll send you some free stories so you can enjoy an award-winning romance novelist and all of her, all of her stories. Also check out all of her books. I mentioned a few in her intro, everything from Sandcastles to Staying True to the Dance. So be sure when you go out there, or go out to Amazon, because every one of her books, all 10 of them, have been an Amazon bestseller. So go, you can always go out and look up Suzy Carr as an author profile on Amazon and check out all of her books as well. So, uh, curswelcome.com, and then on Where did I lose my piece of paper? And then on Facebook, it's Susie Carr dot author, but you shouldn't have a problem finding her, Susie Carr dot author. And then on Twitter, it's @girl_novelist. So be sure to check out all of that. All right, so I'm not even going to take a final break. So share with us, what would you give as like the top 3 tips for people to best deal with life curves, which we are all going to have and deal with? And what would you tell them as to how they should look at it, how they can deal with it? What would your parting tips be for them?

Well, one of the first things I would say is, you know, if you are dealing with some really tough curves, is to surround yourself with people who are going to encourage you. I think I can't say that enough. You know, if you're around negativity, you're around negative people, it's going to continue to circle into your life. And so, it's imperative that you find people who are encouraging and help you to smile. That's the first thing. Second thing, if you are facing a fear, usually that is a fear of the unknown, that's usually what you're afraid of, you don't know what's going to happen, I would suggest learn about it. Go out there and figure out everything you can about what you're fearing so that that knowledge, that knowledge is going to be power. So, if you have a fear of insects that's inhibiting you from going on a beautiful trip somewhere to the tropics, or you're afraid to go in your basement to do your laundry. And you, you know, just silly things like that. But you know what, that, that's, that's reality for so many people. They're afraid to jump in their shower because they're afraid to look behind the curtain and see a big spider. Figure out what it is you're afraid of and go research it and find out everything you can about the subject so that ignorance is not going to be I guess, you know, a part of the problem. So, that would be my next thing is just, you know, learn about, learn about it. Yeah. Third thing is I am big on meditation and having downtime. Even if it is just, I do not care if it is just 2 minutes of downtime of deep breathing. Sometimes you just need to walk away and center yourself. So, if you're having an argument with somebody, it is your right to walk away from that, put yourself in a room safely, and breathe. And I guarantee your perspective is going to change and you're going to have strength and power from doing that. So, center yourself. Breathing is the easiest way, but if you're more inclined, you know, get into guided meditation. There are so many guided meditations on YouTube that can help you to center and de-stress yourself at the end of the day. Help to catapult yourself into a great day too. So, right, meditate, soul-search, don't be afraid to spend time by yourself. I think that's, you know, so many people are afraid to just be alone with themselves. It's a great, great thing to do. Yeah, well, that's my top 3 tips, and that's fabulous and beautiful.

And no, and I would say I would add a fourth, and that is learn how to be with yourself based on what she just— all what she explained. Learn what that means. It doesn't necessarily mean just sitting in a room by yourself. It means really learning about who you are, what you want, what you don't want out of life, facing these fears and these life curves and, and whatnot. Because every issue has a solution. Every fear has a way to overcome it. Wouldn't you agree, Susie?

Yes. Oh my gosh, absolutely. There is always a solution to every problem if you're willing to look for it.

Yep, yep, and it's a matter of being willing to look for it. Susie, thank you so much for a fabulous conversation.

This was wonderful. I had such a great time. Thank you.

You are so welcome, and I just absolutely love your, your take on all of that, and, and just the, the kind of the— I even learned some new ideas that I'm going to start implementing, not only, not only, uh, myself but for my clients. So I want to thank you for that. Absolutely. So great, everyone, uh, you'll be able to go to curveswelcome.com, get a nice from Susie, and link in with her, hook in with her, Facebook with her, Twitter with her. And stay tuned for upcoming guests that are just like Susie, just powerful women and men sharing tips, advice, and sometimes tough love for you to be able to really pursue the goals and the dreams that you have for yourself. And don't forget to, one, sign up for our private Facebook page on Shedding the Bitch, and it's just go to facebook.com/groups/shifttoriches. And as well, take a listen to our previous programs, especially the Ask Bernadette episode from the last couple of weeks. It's got some great, great tips and advice based on questions that you have posed to me. So with that said, I want to thank everybody for joining us. Thanks, Susie Carr. Thanks, Deborah Parker, who's out here with Parker House Virtual Services tweeting for us. And we will talk with you this time next week. Everybody have a rich, rich week.

Take care.

Take care.

Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.