Emotional Intelligence, the Power of Connection with Harvey Deutschendorf

Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch or or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back.

818-572-2910. Good day, good day, good day everyone, and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio. I am so excited about this conversation today. Emotional intelligence. Just wrap your— give it a big hug. Give yourself a big hug because that's what we're going to be doing as we get into this whole subject of emotional intelligence and really the power of connection, which is key, especially— I will have to say, I think it's gotten elevated over the last 12 or 15 months with what everybody's been going through. So hold on tight for a powerful, powerful conversation in regards to that with our guests. But before we do that, I just want to, as always, thank our new listeners and viewers. I am so humbled and honored that you are finding us, whether that is out on our Shed the Bitch TV channel on YouTube, it could be on our Shedding the Bitch Facebook channel where we do stream this each and every Tuesday, it might be on BlogTalkRadio, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify, any number of the streaming services. I'm just so grateful. Everyone here actually in the, uh, Shedding the Bits community is just so grateful that you are finding us and that you are liking, subscribing, rating us. You're providing feedback in regards to topics and even recommendations for guests that you'd love to hear from. And so I, you know, all— every one of us just ask that you continue to do so because it just ensures that we are bringing you, uh, the top-of-mind subjects that really will help you create riches in your work and life that you deserve. All right, and of course, our ongoing, uh, followers and tribe that, uh, has been following us both from our Shed the Bitch TV YouTube channel or on any one of the podcast streaming services, downloading it, taking us with you, and also ensuring that we are being rated and starred and subscribed and followed and liked, and again, you know, providing comments and suggestions. Without you, we wouldn't find all of those new ears and eyes, and we're so grateful for it. And continue, because we have a lot more to talk about, even after the number of years we've been on air. So we are very, very, very grateful to you. Um, I also need to thank North Georgia Tax Solutions, our ongoing sponsor of our The Shed and the Bitch program. And Debbie Snelling and her team are a powerhouse, powerhouse financial and tax services company that services all of the United States, not just North Georgia. So please, please check her out and her team @ngtaxsolutions.com. Tell her I said hi. And, um, you know, you'll be in great hands whether it's for your small or corporate size company or if it's for you personally. Just check out North Georgia Tax Solutions for all your financial and small, uh, or I should say, uh, tax services needs. All right, uh, so today we are talking about emotion Emotional intelligence and the power of connection. As humans, we are hardwired for connection. Those who are able to connect well with others do better in the workplace as well as in all areas of life outside of work. We used to think that our IQ, or cognitive intelligence, that determined how successful we will be in life was the most important. But over the last 25 years, we have discovered that our emotional intelligence, or EQ, is also an important factor. Our emotional intelligence has a great impact on our decision-making process. It determines the extent to which we are able to make strong, healthy connections with others, and this in turn determines whether people want to hire us, promote us, do business with us, like, know, trust, and do with us, and build relationships and be in relationships with us or be our friend. Simple things we can— I'm sorry, what you want to listen for and what you're going to learn are simple things that you can do to really spend time with yourself to understand your emotional intelligence, and that has a strong impact on your decision-making and what you need to do in order to develop your emotional intelligence. So I want to ground you in a rich question, and then I'm going to introduce our guest and bring him onto the, onto the program. But you're Your rich question for Harvey and all of you is a question that's going to ensure that whether you showed up and you're like, well, you know, this sounds interesting, although it doesn't really relate to me. I can guarantee you that if you really consider the rich question, you will find that as we get into the conversation, there'll be something that you can relate to and hold on to and learn from. So your rich question for today when it comes to our conversation around emotional intelligence is really simply, on a scale of 1 to 10, how in touch are you with your own emotional intelligence? 0 for I have no idea what you're talking about, Bernadette Boas, or 10 being that yes, I am well connected, I'm well in tune, and my emotional intelligence is off the charts. All right, so let me introduce our guest and bring him in. Our guest is Harvey, and I, and I, I knew, but it's Harvey Deutschenderf, and he is an emotional intelligence expert, speaker, trainer, and internationally published author of The Other Kind of Smart: Simple Ways to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence for Greater Personal Effectiveness and Success. And I'm going to mention it, but Check him out on Amazon, the book on Amazon, but also make a note right now, go to theotherkindofsmart.com for the book and to learn more about Harvey. He also writes for Fast Company and has monthly column with HR Professionals magazine as well. He is a regular contributor to Real Leaders magazine, the official publication of the Young Presidents Club. Harvey is a TEDx speaker, with TEDx Beacon Street Boston. In 2015, Harvey was recognized by Trust Across America as one of the top thought leaders in trust. Harvey has overcome major obstacles in his life to get where he is now. Not only has he studied emotional intelligence extensively, he has experienced much of what he talks about. He walks his talk. How are you, Harvey?

I'm great, Bernadette. Thanks for having me on. I'm excited.

You are so, so welcome. I'm so looking forward to this conversation because I, I resonate, but I agree with you so wholeheartedly about the fact that we have to get in touch and we have to find other ways of making connections, valuable connections, purposeful connections.

Yes.

So all of that is fabulous, but before we get into all of it, Share with us, if you would, it appears you might be in Boston, but share with us a little bit about who Harvey is and what brought you, you know, in the direction of really studying emotional intelligence, let alone trust. I love that.

Thank you, Bernadette. Yes, well, I could talk about this for hours actually, but, you know, I know we don't have much time. Actually, I'm not from Boston. It was the TEDx talk was actually done virtually. And I'm from Edmonton, Alberta in Canada. Oh. And yeah, in western Canada. So.

Oh, sweet.

Yeah.

So what got me into emotional intelligence? Had a very difficult upbringing. My parents were refugees, came over from Europe after the Second World War, had lost everything, totally everything. I had to borrow money for passage from the church. When we came here, the first 12 years of my life— really in dire poverty. My mother told— would feel guilt when we got older, my brother and I, that she blamed it on malnutrition because some days she only had an orange to feed both of us. I don't remember that. I was too young, I guess, but I don't remember ever being hungry or anything. But yeah, so the rest of the family, basically we settled in Europe. We didn't have any support systems or anything. It was just our family and a few distant relatives. And my father was very, very angry, and it got worse and worse as I, you know, as we got older. And it was basically, we lived in a very poor area. I was always curious about the big world out there. I wanted to know more about the world. I wanted to experience the world, and my whole idea of getting out of there and making a a life outside of there was getting an education. I was lucky. I did well in school, and so I managed to— first one in the family to— my parents were also very poorly educated. My mother was the educated one. She had, I think, a grade 3. Yeah, so I went to university and I made it through, but I felt like a total outsider because I didn't run into a lot of people that were like me, came from sort of my background, you know. Yeah, most of them were sort of upper middle class or upper, you know, people. And, you know, they talked about the holidays and stuff that their family went on, different experiences. I couldn't relate. I just wanted those conversations to end. And it was like an outsider that I was looking in always. And I had a lot of problems because of the upbringing, very negative, a lot of conflict in the family. And even though I got a degree and I should have been happy, I'd gone far beyond what anybody thought I would be able to, I wasn't happy. I didn't have the work I wanted to. I didn't have the friends I wanted to. And then I realized, like I tried to diagnose myself, read self-help books, nothing seemed to speak to me. Then one day I heard about a new book that came out by Daniel Goleman called Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than You Think. And I thought, this sounds interesting. Picked it up and I started reading and this line jumped out at me on page 4. It says, you know, your intelligence can come to naught when your emotions hold sway. And it was like, aha, that's it. This is the answer. This is right. Now I know what I need to do. So I learned everything.

Harvey, could you repeat that line though? Could you repeat that line just to kind of punch it in?

Yes.

The line said, "All of your intelligence can come to naught when your emotions hold sway." So in other words, it doesn't matter how smart you are. If your emotions are controlling you, they're running your life and it doesn't matter. So yeah, suddenly, aha, because I thought I was smart. I kind of knew I was smart. My principal in school actually, in high school, said, "Harvey, you've got a good head on your shoulders. Just don't let it go to your head." But that wasn't enough. I was smart, but I wasn't the other kind of smart. I wasn't smart with my emotions. I couldn't use my emotions to, you know, to get ahead in the workplace. I couldn't use my emotions to make the friends that I wanted, to the connections. I was sort of tuned into the negative, and I didn't realize how I was coming across to other people. Then I started, I joined this men's group where where there's men's groups for farming where men start to actually get together and talk about their feelings and things like that. I started to learn about myself and I started to learn about others and I started to change. I made all these changes in my life and then I said, "Well, you know, this is powerful stuff, emotional intelligence. People have to know about this." But I thought, "Well, you know, the problem is everything that's written out there, like Daniel Goleman's book, it's got the concept and everything but it's academic." I got to put this in a way that people can really understand. I thought, somebody's got to do this. I said, well, I'm a somebody. I'd actually written a book and got it published before that. I said, I can do this. It wasn't easy, but I managed to find an American publisher. Then my life started to change. It got better and better and better. I got on this journey of teaching people, sharing this with other people, teaching about emotional intelligence, and I'm still on this journey. It's given me a whole new outlook on life and a purpose, and I just, you know, it's just so powerful. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, okay, so all right, that is a fabulous story. Fabulous story. So help us understand, for those out there going, well, whatever, whatever. Exactly, because I did. I did about 8 years ago. I was like, whatever. Help us understand what emotional intelligence is.

Well, it's, it's the way we— it's our ability to, to differentiate, recognize and manage our emotions and the emotions of others in our environment. And I'm not sure we can manage others as much as we can manage our own, but I know we can influence. We can influence to a great deal other people if we can manage our emotions and sort of influence them through using emotions. It's the way we show up in the world. It's how we show up. It's how people see us. And being aware of that, being aware of that, how we show up, that what we put out to other people may not be the way it lands on them. And being aware of that and, you know, knowing that and being able to change those things and makes us better, better people, better able to connect with others. Right.

Yeah.

Right. Now, would you say Would you say this has to do with the fact that emotions feed your— or even beliefs feed your emotions, which feed your feelings, which feed your thoughts, which then feeds the actions you make and that kind of thing? Is it kind of on that basis of how it does get projected and how we do respond?

Respond? Yes, the important thing, the first thing when we want to develop our emotional intelligence is to become more self-aware. Become more self-aware of what we're carrying around with us.

Right.

A lot of what we're carrying goes all the way back to childhood, what we learned, what was put into our subconscious that we may not even be aware of.

Yeah.

Okay, that we are carrying around and we react from that and that drives our lives.

Right.

And becoming aware of that and, you know, using it if it's helping us get what we want in life and if it isn't, changing that, being able to become aware of that and starting to change that. For me, example, it was where I was carrying a lot of negativity. I grew up with the idea that, you know, 'People will take advantage of you, they'll be out to get you,' things like that. Those kind of ideas. And as long as I was carrying those kind of ideas, I wasn't very open to making connections, to developing better relationships. Once I became aware of that, I could change that. I could start thinking and doing things differently because I was now aware and I was able to change. I was able to make changes and put new ideas in over time. Yeah, it became—

yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, just to throw an example in as well, is I always wondered why I felt so like disconnected. I never felt like part of a group or that I belonged or that, you know, that I kind of fit in, so to speak. And I was probably about 48, 48, and I started kind of doing what you're saying to do, is really evaluating kind of what happened in the past. And, um, Harvey, I'm one of 12 children. I'm a middle child, and yet I'm very, very different. And, and, you know, I kind of stand out from the rest of them, or I did at the time. So when I was a baby up until about 10, I was always teased that I was the milkman's daughter, the postman's daughter. I even went to my mother crying thinking, you know, am I adopted? Am I, you know, am I not really a family member? And it was, it was all of that that happened when I was like 1 or 2 or 3 years old, all that teasing and those comments. That really kind of embedded in my psyche that I didn't fit in, that I didn't belong. But to your point, which I love, is the minute I became aware of it, I was able to make a decision to let it go and kind of not allow it to impact me. So that's what we're talking about, right?

Right, that's what we're talking about, yes, exactly. Fascinating. Yes, yes it is, yeah. It is fascinating because there's ideas implanted in our mind when we're children, and because everything goes into our subconscious. And now as adults, when we're told something, an idea comes in, we can say, "No, no, I don't accept that," or, "That doesn't make sense to me, that's not right," whatever. As children, we couldn't. Everything went in there. Everything went in there. We had no ability to block anything that was going in. You know, and the positive went in and the negative went in and ideas that limit us about who we are, what we're capable of doing in this world, in this life, those ideas are all in our subconscious. Once we become aware of that, we can change that.

Right.

But we have to become aware that they're there. Know that.

Okay. So what, and you had mentioned earlier that there's, you know, there's some things that we aren't even aware of. Mm-hmm. So what happens? What, what triggers someone, or, or how do they get triggered to kind of say, hey, look, you need to take a look at, you know, kind of all your belief systems and all the things that you, you know, that you've experienced, because something has, has caused this frustration or struggle or, or obstacle that you're dealing with today? How do they— how, you know, how do they uncover that? Like, how do they become conscious?

Well, you know, sometimes it can be something, a trauma that happens to us, something, a loss or something. Yeah, yeah, and we're thrown off kilter, we're thrown off balance, and we start questioning everything that we've been told and grown up to believe. For example, for me it just happened one day, like going to university, I was actually, I had never thought because I wasn't I didn't grow up in an environment where people went to university. What they did was if you wanted to move up, you learned the trade or whatever. Somebody from my background didn't go to university. The idea wasn't even there because I wasn't around people that did that or knew anybody. One day, I was actually driving motorcoach. I worked for Greyhound and I was in a restaurant. I had gone to college and I'd done well and then one day in the restaurant, the idea just came into my mind. I'd like to get a degree. I'd like to go to university and I thought, why can't I? You know, why can't I question that? I questioned that idea. I became aware of it, you know, that just because nobody else has done that doesn't mean I can't. It hits you. And then you start thinking when that happens, Bernadette, you start thinking, what other things do I believe? Have I never questioned that aren't true?

Yeah.

You start really questioning everything that you've ever believed in life and thinking, where's that coming from? Where's that idea come from that I couldn't? So I questioned that and I challenged it and I realized that I could. And, you know, I mean, nobody in my family that I've ever known has published a book. I questioned that. I said, you know, that doesn't mean I can't. And I, you know, I realized that I could. If I believed I could, I could.

Right.

Very powerful. Yes.

Very powerful. Because if you believe you can't, you can't, right?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

If you believe you can, you can. If you believe you can't, you can't.

Yes, that's true. Yes.

Now, but what— so was it the fact that you just wanted more that kind of prodded you to push through that fear? You know, was it the fact that you just knew you wanted more? What was it that kind of—

well, you know, where that— that's a good question. Where that comes from, I believe, like you talked about, you know, you being different and everything. Where does that come from? How did you grow up in a family of— was it 12— that you were so different than everybody else? I asked myself that question. To why did I want more? Why did I want to experience the world and want so much more when those around me didn't, had no inclination to want more? And I couldn't understand that. I thought, why doesn't everybody want more in life? Why doesn't everybody want, you know, do as much as they possibly can with their life? And that was a foreign concept to a lot of people around me. Most people that I knew was a foreign concept to them. So where does that come from? I guess we're born with it. I don't know exactly how I got it, but it's an ache.

I think it's an ache. It's like a subtle ache that just kind of elevates or grows, and it just is like, you know, because— yes, yes, yes, because I've had those times where I'm like, I am meant for greatness. Why doesn't anybody else want greatness?

Well, you know, it's funny because, you know, my mother always said, you know, you're like my Uncle Edward. And Edward was like the— her family was a large family, and Edward was somebody who sort of struck out, you know, on his own and didn't live the life that the rest of the family did. You know, he had his own business and he traveled and he did all kinds of things, you know, not like the rest of the family. He lived a big life. And so she said, you remind me of Edward, you know. And where Edward got that from, where I got that from, I have no idea. But I always knew that what I wanted was more, you know. I wasn't going to settle, you know. And just, yeah, I somehow— so it's something innate in us and yeah, that we're born with.

Thankfully.

Yeah.

But we all are. We all are. We just need to find it.

Find it. Yes.

Yes. So, Harvey, what would you recommend to someone to help them understand what their own level of emotional intelligence is at this point? What can they do?

Well, what they can do is, first of all, figure out— you know, when I look at I've got a quiz on my website, the other kind of smarter. Also, if they get the book, if they go through the areas of— there are actually official tests out there for emotional intelligence. My quiz isn't official. It's something that I just threw together to help people understand emotional intelligence. But if you look through the different areas of— and you look through those areas, and for example, in my book, you'll say, okay. If you have any self-awareness, just say, well, this is something that I'm good at. For example, you can say, well, I'm very good at assertiveness. I can sort of protect my boundaries and stuff like that. And I'm pretty independent and stuff. But hey, I'm not very— I don't have much empathy. I don't understand where people— why they sound like Whiners all the time. I don't have much empathy. Okay, then that might be an area that you could work on. If you have a self-awareness, when you look at those different areas, you'll probably know there's something that I'm good at and that there's something that I'm not very, very good at. For example, self-regard. I don't feel that good about myself really when I think about it. Or yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You'll have a good feeling, or else you can do one of the, you know, the tests out there, you know, but, you know, it depends on your self-awareness.

Right, right. Now I want everybody to go to theotherkindofsmart.com. I want you to go and just download that assessment, get an idea, just like he's saying, and then go over to— or right there on his website, theotherkindofsmart.com, get his book or go to Amazon and get his book, but really work on it because the more you know about yourself, the more you can tap into your greatness and really kind of achieve the goals that you have for yourself both in business and in life. So that's a great place to start, wouldn't you say, Harvey?

Excellent place to start, yeah. For example, you know, for me it was really, really— I would, you know, I grew up with a lot of anger and, you know, I had some problems with my impulse control. Just because something pops into your head doesn't mean it should come out of your mouth. That's important to know, not only at work but in all relationships because you're thinking something or feeling something. It doesn't mean you have to say it. To be able to pull back from that, filter that and think things through, before you say things because, you know, different things. But you can learn some very, very simple techniques and just start doing it. This is the thing about emotional intelligence. We can learn about it, but we start doing things. Like do things— if you're struggling in a certain area, start doing things. You know, when I'm starting to get angry or something, when I'm starting to get very emotional, I'll just not react. I'll wait about 10 seconds or something and do some breathing. And think things through. Also, you get to the point where you're watching yourself. You're almost like outside of yourself. You're watching yourself. There's another person watching you in this interaction and it's saying, "Okay, no, you're not ready to speak yet. Wait, wait. You're going to make a better decision here if you wait this out and think this through. Think this through before you react." Because once the message gets to your— the important thing to know is we feel before we think. We feel before we think. When something, when a message comes through to us, the first place that it goes to is what's called our emotional brain. And that's our primitive brain that we've had since we lived in caves that warned us right away if there was danger around us. You know, and we had to fight or flight right away. That brain is still with us even though there's not a lot of saber-toothed tigers running around out there we have to be afraid of. We're not in constant danger all the time, although maybe some situations where we are, but usually we don't need, but that's where the message goes. It takes a few seconds, about 6 seconds experts say, for that message to reach our executive brain, our frontal neocortex, that powerful thinking brain. Where we respond, we think things through instead of reacting. And the biggest example of reacting is road rage, and that was what my TEDx talk was about. That's when your emotions are totally out of control and you're acting strictly from your emotions. You're not thinking, and as soon as that ends, your road rage incident ends, You'll probably regret, have major regret that you didn't wait and think things through, but that's what happens. That's the worst example of being caught up in our emotions, and Daniel Goleman calls it an emotional hijack, and so we have to be able to go beyond that so our emotions aren't driving us. They're not in control of us. We're in control of them.

Right. So I'm thinking, because I've had a lot of conversations over the past several weeks, as a matter of fact, about an hour ago on my own live show, about even, you know, a lot of business owners, a lot of entrepreneurs, women, they struggle from a selling perspective. You know, they get in all in their head and they get very emotional about needing to go and sell themselves or their products and services, and that rejection, you know. Potential and whatnot. So what I'm hearing from you is, you know, as they are processing and, and kind of getting in their head about it, they just need to— can they also work to like refocus somewhere else?

Sure, sure. They could, you know, think about something else, take the focus away from that. Um, think about something else. I mean, think about something very— think about a positive outcome. The outcome that they want. Focus on that, you know, and get back to that, and that will take us out of the immediate situation, you know, and take us to a positive place. And keep bringing back, going back to that positive place and the outcome that we want and think about that. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, because one of the things that, you know, that was mentioned even in your, in the opening of this show, Boas was talking about, you know, how the— our emotions or our emotional intelligence can impact us positively or negatively, even in the workplace and at home. So what— let's talk about, if you would, kind of what is the risk or the danger about not, you know, about not really being aware of your EI at work, and, and then what is the positive benefit that you'd get if you were well-informed in regards to your emotional intelligence?

Well, the negative would be, you know, when we say things sort of without thinking them through, in a moment where emotions are controlling us, that, you know, we come back to haunt us, you know, will cost us maybe a promotion, it'll cost us a job, it'll cost us A lot of things, not only at work but in our relationships, you know, we say things that we later regret and, you know, that's the thing and be able to think things through. And on the positive side, you know, if we're attuned to our emotions and we learn to understand other people, we can use that, we can make, you know, very, very positive connections with other people. You know, look for opportunities. To praise people, and authentically finding things about them, remembering things about people is a great way to make connections. I'm horrible at that.

I'm horrible at that.

We can do things to change that. I used to be horrible at that too. But we can do things to change that. Think about when you're speaking to somebody, if you want to make a connection with them, want to get to know them better, develop any kind of relationship. Think about when they say things, ask them questions. When they say things that are important to them, mention their family, mention their vacation, their pets or whatever, that's important. And you're going to meet them again, remember some of those things and ask them about them. That's how people will feel that they've been heard and they'll feel they're important to you. You remember things about me, wow, I must have some I must be important to you. You must, yeah, because otherwise you wouldn't bother. You wouldn't bother remembering anything if I have no influence on you. But now I've made some connection. I mean something to you because you remember. Remember their names and try to remember how to pronounce their names. Use their names. Use their names because people, their names, it's the most beautiful sound to people's ears is their names, you know. So you remember their names. I mean, I remember just the other day I was out there walking and, and I, I, you know, I love, I love dogs and stuff. And, you know, it's often— yeah, I pet dogs along the path. Don't have any, you know, of our own anymore, but, you know, I just love talk, you know, talking to owners about them and petting them and stuff. And they, they know it. They come up to me, they can sense it. And, uh, there's a lady, and, you know, we walked for a ways and learned the name of her dog, and I learned her name, and it wasn't a common name. And, you know, came back on the trail again, you know, a couple days later, and I ran into her and her dog again, and I said, 'Hi, how are you doing?' And mentioned her name and then her dog's name too. I remembered, and she says, 'You remembered my name? Most people don't know my name, don't remember.' And it was impressive, and it was like It was a connection there because most people don't, you know, don't put in the time or effort, right? And I've even gone to the point of where, you know, I've met somebody and I wanted to develop a relationship, but, you know, I wrote things down about them even though, you know, knowing I've, you know, I got— I have ADD, so my memory isn't great, but wrote things down. I said, I want to meet them again. I go into my little, little, uh, you know, uh, where I've written it down and my little list and said, oh, you know, they're, they're That's their partner's name, that's their pet's name, that's where they go, and I bring these things up when I meet them again and they're always taken aback because most people don't do this.

Nice.

Don't do this. Most people are too busy wanting to talk about themselves.

Right.

And what they're doing, and the other thing is to really listen when people are talking. Most of the time, You know, when we're in a conversation and somebody's speaking, we're thinking about our response. We're thinking about what we're going to say back. We're not really listening. So I suggest practicing this when you're with your partner, your family, or a good friend, do this. Practice having them talk for 3 minutes and all you're going to do is feedback what you heard them say. 'Cause you know, you're gonna take this urge to just respond, won't be there. You have to, you know, you're gonna have to focus. Practice doing that, you'll become a better listener when you do that. And most people don't even, you don't have to agree with people necessarily at all. But people want to be heard, whether you agree with them or not. They want to be heard, they wanna know that you heard them.

Right.

That's the important thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was fascinated by, um, I'm fascinated by the fact that you said that because I was fascinated when Oprah was going off the air. Do you, do you— yeah, she was going off the air a number of years ago and someone asked her, of the 25 years you've been, you know, on the air and talking to all these people, what have you learned from it? And she— the one that she said, only one thing: people came here because they wanted to be heard.

Yes.

And I just was— I was so taken aback by that, in a beautiful way, you know, that all it could— because here, you know, the people going on Oprah are like well-known, famous, rich people, and all they want to do is tell their story and be heard. And I, and that just kind of like woke me up to what you're talking about as far as how, you know, how important connections are.

Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Fascinating. Fascinating.

Yes.

Now I want to really understand, and I want our listeners to understand, can you help us with what do you cover in your book, The Other Kind of Smart? What What should we kind of be prepared for? Because I know all of our listeners and viewers are going to go out and they're going to buy your book, whether that's on Amazon or on theotherkindofsmart.com. So what can they expect in your book?

Well, they can expect stories, stories about people, everyday life, not famous people, you know, everyday people. That are doing everyday things in the real world and that will be able to relate to the stories. And they'll say, "Hey, you know, that sounds like my Uncle Tom. He's like that," or whatever. But everyday stories about people, and it's broken down into 15 different areas of emotional intelligence. For example, self-awareness, self-regard, independence, empathy, Healthy relationships, impulse control, stress tolerance, flexibility, reality, things like that, social responsibility. But they'll be able to read stories about people in those different areas, and they'll be able to read stories about people that were low, very low in those areas. They're able to read stories about people people who are quite high in those areas, who function very well, and some stories about people who started out very low but were able to develop themselves and be able to increase their emotional intelligence in those areas. And at the end of those stories, there will be little tips, very simple tips about what they can do every day if they find, well, this is something I really need to work on. Simple tips that they can do every day. I mean, for simple things like flexibility, if you're a person that's really stuck in routine or whatever, very simple things. Go to work and take a different route. Order something different in a restaurant when you go. Just do something to break that routine. It's uncomfortable. Like everything, when we want to change, anything we do to change the way we're doing things is uncomfortable at first.

Right.

Yeah.

You know, we have to get out of our comfort zone. Doing things differently is uncomfortable. Now, though, we do it long enough, it becomes more and more comfortable. Eventually, that will become our new way of doing things, and the old way that doesn't work so well will sort of gradually fall aside, and we won't even think about the old way of doing things anymore. We'll be so— we'll get used to doing the our new way of acting, our new way of thinking will become our norm. So it'll get better over time. At first it's uncomfortable. We'll have to work through that, get out of our comfort zone. But all learning, all change, we have to become uncomfortable. We have to do something different, try something different, keep at it. You'll see the change happening. And you know, it's like a muscle, our comfort zones. The more we stretch it, you know, the stronger it will get.

Right, right. And life shouldn't be comfortable, right? I mean, we should want to get uncomfortable.

Well, I have a quote, I've got a quote, you know, I write a lot, you know, if you follow me on LinkedIn, you know, comfort zone is one of my areas of, you know, that I really write about because our comfort comfort zones will keep us safe but will also keep us small. Absolutely. So our safety is— we can stay comfortable, but we can stay very small. If we want to grow, if we want to expand, we have to become uncomfortable. No growth happens inside that, you know, little cocoon, our comfort zone.

Yeah.

It happens outside of that when we're pushing ourselves. That's when we learn. That's when we're growing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, especially if, you know, if we're, you know, if we're on this earth for any amount of time— we have been and we will be— then, you know, why would we not want to continue to push ourselves and to learn more about her? Because that's what this is all about, right, is getting to know who our true core essence is.

Yes, yes, that's it. Yes. Yeah, but there's so, there's so many people that don't want to want to be comfortable.

Yeah.

You know, desperately want to be comfortable. They will not push their comfort zone. And it's sad because they're missing out. They'll miss out on learning about themselves, potential. They'll miss out on all of the wonderful things that could have been theirs had they been willing to push through that.

Yep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I mean, our words sound very simple, but just the aha, or the heaviness, the heaviness that comes with, you know, with even the thought of, you know, the comfort zone keeping us small, is just like, oh, why would you want that for yourself? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you know.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, so love, love, love this. So any last tips that you would have for our listeners and viewers in regards to really getting in touch with their emotional intelligence?

Well, you know, I mean, if it's for self-awareness, you know, if it's something, you know, if you're a person that's maybe not, doesn't think they're very self-aware, have been told that, by other people and things. Go to a movie or watch something on Netflix and after with your partner, somebody who can give you honest feedback, talk about what these people felt throughout the movie and why they felt this way. Why do you think they felt this way? What was going on for them? What made them feel this way?

The characters.

The characters. Yeah, the characters in the movie. Exactly. The characters in the movie. That way, you know, it'll start twigging things about your own life and, you know, your feelings and things like that. It'll start the whole process of trying to understand people and understanding yourself. And all understanding comes from first understanding yourself. So yeah. And just try something. Try something different. Every day, something you'd like to do but are maybe afraid of, but not something even huge that you're terrified of, but something that pushes you, that's uncomfortable. Even a small step, do that. See what that's like for you. See how you feel at the end of the day. Yeah, sure.

And I would include in that, even just smile and say hello to a stranger on the street or in the grocery store. You know?

Just try it out. Go into your grocery store and smile just as big as you can and look at people. Look at people and smile. See what reaction you get, you know, the checkout clerk. And then you just go and have a frown or just a look at your face. Notice the difference between how people react to you when you just smile. Call the, uh, the clerk. You know, they have name tags, stuff. Call him or her by their name. Yes, call him or her. See what reaction you get. These people are invisible. Nobody notices them. See what reaction you get from them. It makes their day. Yeah, you know, because you've noticed them. They have a name, you know.

They'll be like, how do you know my name? Well, it's right there on your— you know, you forget it's there, you know. Yeah.

Yes, they do. Invisible.

Yeah, that's awesome. Awesome. Well, I am so excited that we had an opportunity to talk with you and to learn more about EI with you, and appreciate you being part of the show and sharing all these amazing tips.

Yes, it's been wonderful. I've enjoyed every moment of it. Thanks so much.

Oh, you're so welcome, Harvey. And I do want to remind everybody, please, you definitely want to take advantage of one, go to his website, theotherkindofsmart.com, and even, you know, pull down that assessment and kind of get an idea of what are those, you know, emotions or those things that maybe you're not paying attention to and you haven't worked on or even mastered. And, you know, that's a good first step. But then while you're there, make sure that you download— or not download— that you buy a copy of his book, or go over to Amazon, get a copy of his book, and really get into this. Because as we're talking about you know, you have one life to lead, to live, and, you know, depending upon how long or how short that is, you really want to ensure that you're optimizing you being the complete you, the full you, and emotional intelligence will help you do that. And I appreciate it, Harvey, you sharing all your great wisdom with us.

I just appreciated being on your show and had a great time.

Thank you. Oh, you're very, very welcome. And for everyone else, be sure to tune in— whoops, I just lost that— to tune in next week for another episode of Shedding the Bitch Radio. And for everybody here in our Shedding the Bitch community and Ball of Fire coaching community, thank you so much for joining us, and we will see you right back here.

Bye! Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.