From Defensive to Welcoming

Be honest. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being too often, how often do you get defensive when receiving critical feedback? Do you even take a pause to consider and understand the why behind your reaction? In business today, especially if you're leading others, it is absolutely vital that you are open, even welcoming, to feedback of any kind. After all, how do you improve and grow if you don't? Now, I totally get why it is hard to hear and receive. Uh, about a decade ago, I would have completely lost it and blamed everyone and their brother versus take accountability and really listen to hear what others had to say about me. So in this episode, let's dig into the why you respond the way that you do and give you tips for how you can learn to welcome feedback of any kind and even model that behavior to those around you who you also need to be open and welcoming to feedback. All right. And then lastly, let's talk about the impact and the effect on you, on your career, and those around you so you can be a powerhouse leader in giving and receiving feedback. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Shedding the Corporate Bitch, the podcast that transforms female corporate executives into powerhouse leaders by showing them how to shed the challenges and overwhelm, along with any fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negativity holding them back. I'm your host, Bernadette Boas of Ball of Fire Coaching, bringing you powerhouse discussions each week to share tips, advice, and sometimes tough love so you create the riches in work and life you deserve. Let's do this. What does it mean to go from defensive to open and welcoming when it comes to receiving critical feedback? It really comes down to the difference between a so-so manager and a powerhouse leader. So we're going to break down and walk through a number of things, uh, when it comes to the why, the how, and the impacts and effects that it has on you, your career, and those around you. So first, let's talk about the type of feedback that could cause someone to either go from welcoming on that scale of 1 to 10 to being defensive and putting their walls up. So formal types would be your performance reviews, any 360 assessments, Or if there is performance improvement plans that are in place for you and therefore more structured sit-down, you know, conversations with your direct manager or even HR. It could be even when someone is being recognized, awarded, or being showered with accolades. You'd be surprised at how many people get, you know, defensive and shut down even when they're being praised, and they are just not comfortable in handling that. Uh, situations could be when an issue comes up, maybe, you know, something went astray and/or there was a major failure in the work that you were doing or your team was doing, and therefore that issue and, and what transpired needs to get addressed. So it's more almost reactionary. And then there is those offhanded comments that could be made in a group environment, in a one-on-one environment, whether it's at work or in your life. And it causes you to either welcome it or get defensive around it. So feedback can come in a variety of ways. And if you can learn to if not even master, but even be open and to receiving it, uh, especially if it is meant with positive intention, then you'll become a better person for it. You'll be able to, you know, grow as a result of it. All right, so why is it important? Um, why it's important is because it gives you— feedback gives you an opportunity to recognize where you're either excelling or you're, you know, being pulled down. So it gives you an opportunity to kind of consider where the gaps might be in what your expectations are or what your perception is and what might actually be acted on or perceived by other people. Now, we did have a conversation regarding perception versus reality in the last several weeks, so you can go back um, onto sheddingthecorporatebitch.com and take a look for that episode. Um, but that is why it's really important for you to be open to receiving feedback, because it could help you recognize, um, areas where your perception and someone else's reality is not, not necessarily aligned. There's also an opportunity for you to learn of any blind spots that you have, positive or negative. And what I mean by that is Oftentimes we have a perception or a view of ourselves, of our qualities, of our talents, of our skills and expertise that is less than how other people perceive us and how other people see and experience and, and, and are impacted by us. So in an assessment, for, for instance, we might downrate ourselves when others highly rate our behavior, our actions, our, our, you know, performance. So those are blind spots. Other blind spots could be just the opposite, where we do have a grander idea of our skills, our talents, our expertise, our contributions, our collaboration, our engagement with others, and yet others have a less-than type of perception. And therefore, those blind spots on the high or the low, again, arm you with information that will allow you to improve and grow. And that's kind of the other reason why feedback is so important. I always tend to tell my clients, tell even my friends and my family, that until, you know, I'm in the grave, 6 feet under, I want to be improving and growing. Well, in order for me, in order for you to do that, then we have to seek feedback. We have to seek insights and, um, and inputs and observations and experiences and encounters and impacts and effects that we're having on those around us. And it could be at home, it could be at work, it could be in the community, it could be in our social activities. But if we do truly— if you truly want to improve and grow, if you want to advance in your career If you want to, you know, climb that corporate ladder, then you definitely need to be seeking feedback. If it's not formally structured and scheduled out like performance reviews and 360s, then you need to initiate it by having conversations with, with others around you. But another reason why it's important, other than so you can recognize opportunities for, for growth, uh, for you to be able to identify those blind spots and improve and grow. But it's also for you to kind of change an outcome that might be occurring. Uh, so for instance, if there is that issue that all of a sudden, you know, um, all of a sudden comes up, uh, or there's that offhanded comment that all of a sudden is, is said or made, and you need to respond to it. You want to be able to influence and have control over the outcome. And if you don't have a really good understanding of why, just like we said at the very beginning, why you react the way you do when you, you know, hear certain types of feedback, then you're not going to be in complete control and be able to influence the outcome in your favor. So another reason why it's important for you to get feedback is so you can influence and even control outcomes of certain situations because you have a really good grasp on how you're going to receive it. All right. And then lastly, why it's important for you to get very, very comfortable with feedback of any kind is, especially if you're a leader, is you need to be able to model the behavior you want from others around receiving feedback. So you're receiving feedback in your performance review, 360, or a situation that might come up. And trust me when I say, just like a child with a parent, your people are watching you. Your people are observing your behavior, your response, your way of, of handling it, managing it, influencing, even controlling a situation. And therefore, if they see you respond in a certain way, then they're more apt to walk away and also respond in that way. Good or bad. So if you are open and receiving to, to that feedback or that situation that might have, you know, all of a sudden come up, then your people are going to walk away. And when they are in a similar situation, they'll respond in a similar way. To the contrary, if you— if they see you getting defensive, if you getting abrasive, if you shutting down or, you know, putting up walls, when it comes to hearing something that you just don't like, you don't agree with, uh, maybe it is surprising you. Well, they're going to see that as acceptable because, hey, their boss is responding this way, and that's how they're going to receive it. So if you're ever coming up against a situation with someone who's not necessarily being open, um, to, to your, um, constructive positive, intently, intentive, you know, feedback, then you might have to take a look at whether or not they're just simply modeling, shadowing what it is you're doing. All right, so that, that's why, um, being very, you know, open to feedback of any kind is really, really important. But what are those typical responses that people have? It's not as if people run out into the, into the world, into the company, into their team, and, you know, kind of embrace, oh, I love hearing, you know, crappy things about me and what I'm doing wrong and where I have my shortcomings and where I'm not good enough, or even, even like I said, even where I'm wonderful and how I'm, you know, contributing great value to them, so forth and so on, because As I mentioned, people have as difficult time receiving compliments as they do receiving critical information or critical feedback. So typical ways that people respond, just like on the scale that I gave you at the very beginning, is being very open and very welcoming to it, to that defensive level, or the responses, I should say, will come across in different ways. It may not be just, you know, defensive and walls. It could also be denial. It also could be deflecting or blaming other people. Uh, it could be anger is how they're projecting, uh, when they're receiving that, that feedback. On the other side, on the 1 or 2, 3 or 4, it is that they are embracing you know, even the hard stuff as well as the good stuff, because they truly understand or want to understand where they can be improving and, and growing. Now, why one would be more open and accepting, and they're, you know, they're more accountable to their performance, to their behaviors, to their actions, thoughts, and words, is because they're at a point or a stage in their life where they are looking for change. Maybe not even a stage in their life as much as they do have ambitions, they do have big goals for themselves, whether they're in their early stages of their career or they're more seasoned in their career, but they still have great ambitions. And therefore, maybe some previous past feedback has been, you know, in order for you to get to that next level, these are the changes we need to see. At first they might not— they might have been more on the 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, but now as time goes by and maybe slowly they're working on things, they're actually more open, um, and/or they gotten to the point where it's so painful because, you know, to— unfortunately sometimes we have to feel so much pain before we're willing to make a change. And they're— it's so painful that they're continuing to get denied for a promotion, they're continuing to kind of butt heads with the people that they work with or, you know, kind of over, you know, um, kind of coming up against a wall when it comes to relationships, whatever the case might be. So they've reached a boiling point to where they recognize that, okay, you know, obviously I need to take a closer look at myself and be more open to really hearing and understanding, um, others' perception of me and how I'm showing up and how I'm performing, that I'm willing to break down my, my walls and become more accountable, more open, um, and more accepting of their, of their feedback. So, uh, it's, you know, whatever it takes for someone to move from a 10, 9, 8, 7, 6 to even, you know, 4 um, you know, 4, 3, 2, 1. You know, sometimes it just takes time. Sometimes it takes maturity. A lot of times it will take what I call bitches. It will take confronting one's fears, insecurities, negativities, um, their, you know, self-doubt, feelings of, you know, low self-worth or low self-esteem. Uh, and a lot of times why they're responding the way they are is so deeply rooted even in, you know, childhood beliefs, experiences, encounters, um, uh, you know, uh, upbringing, so to speak, that it, you know, it then will take time and a lot of what I call excavating your soul to really dig out and understand kind of what is behind, um, the reason that they're reacting the way they are when it comes to hearing anything negative or even positive about themselves. What, what we really need to do is get an understanding and really kind of acknowledge the fact that if we are getting defensive, if we are denying, if we are reflecting, uh, and, and not willing to even see ourselves in the feedback that we're, we're receiving, then there's deep-seated reasons, um, and, and evidence around why that is. And, you know, we'll get to tips in a minute, but we're— you're going to want to dig deep Or it's even dig to the surface, because some people just don't want to, you know, necessarily take on any, you know, negative input about themselves. And therefore it would be easy once they did, they recognize that the moment that they took accountability for something about themselves that isn't working for them, it actually kind of causes the power of that situation or that emotion or that behavior to just dissipate and disappear. The first thing to do is just to recognize that the reason that your response and the way you react to feedback is in the, you know, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 stage. It could be because of fears and insecurities and doubts and negativities that you have about yourself that in the tips that I that we're gonna talk about will then allow you to just kind of acknowledge them, account for them, recognize them, put a name to them, and even then shed them. So then you can be very open and receiving of feedback. Again, because that will allow you to not only improve and grow, but also change any outcomes that you might be put in And even model it, model the behavior of being open to it, to those around you that you also need to be well receiving of hard or good feedback. All right. What I want to talk about is provide you those tips, and I want to break it down into two categories. I want to give you tips for how you can learn to be open and receiving feedback. And then how you can work with others on your team or on in your, you know, business or, um, at home to, to then let their walls down and move from that 10 even to that 7 to the 5, let alone down to the 1. All right, let's talk about you first. When it comes to you shifting in any way, shape, or form, you first have to do that that work I talked about, that excavating of your soul, so to speak, to really understand the why, the why behind you react the way you do. So the first thing I would suggest is kind of pull out a journal or, or a notebook or even your phone and just kind of make a note, you know, one-word, two-word notes of situations or encounters or experiences over the last 6 months of where you might have received some sort of, you know, input that you got defensive about, or you deflected, or you, uh, denied. Uh, maybe it was, you know, something happened and blew up, and, you know, you kind of were like, nah, I was not a part of that, that was not me. And/or you, you know, said, oh well, you know, Joanne was responsible for that. That wasn't, you know, on me. So just think about the situation because we all have them. We all have them. You could be all the way down to a 4, 3, 2, or 1 when it comes to being welcoming to feedback and still have a situation or, you know, a period of time where you're actually responding and reacting, you know, much higher., you know, in the 6, 7, 8 type of line. But quite honestly, if I was to put one simple word between 10 and 1 when it comes to feedback, it's confidence. It's confidence. It's knowing yourself so well to where you know your faults, you know your strengths, you know what I call bitches, which are your fears, insecurities, and negativities, and your riches, which are your talents and skills and qualities and traits. So you know yourself so well that you can identify and even see yourself, and therefore account for your role in a situation of any extreme. All right, but, and you know, if you're not there, totally understandable. If you're not there, um, then we want to, you know, have this scale and we just want to make some subtle shifts slowly, um, to— and intentionally toward closer to that 5. Eventually, you know, it would be great to get to that 2 or 1. So identify the why. Why do you react the way you do? What are those fears, insecurities, doubts, negativities? Um, you know, you might have to identify the source. And what I mean by that is it might not necessarily be, uh, you know, an insecurity or a negativity or something, you know, that you're doubting yourself about or that you don't feel worthy enough about. Maybe it is the fact that as a child, you know, you had a teacher that was constantly berating you or constantly talking down at you or, or criticizing you, or maybe a friend in school or in your adulthood. I certainly dealt with that for a good period of time of someone that I considered a friend but who was, you know, constantly negative and pulling me down to the point where I felt like I was suffocating and I just needed to shed and let go of, of that individual. And then it, you know, totally opened me up and transformed me. And you can experience the same exact thing. All right, so identify the why behind your reaction. Identify the source that it could be coming from. Um, also, when it comes to source, I also want to mention where you're concerned when you're getting feedback from certain people. Are these people those you trust, even at work, even it could be your boss or it can be an employee. Is that a person that you fully trust and therefore will be more open to their input than you would be if you didn't trust them or you had, you know, a bad relationship with them and then you're just hearing wah wah wah wah wah from them. All right, so identify the why. Identify the source. You also then want to really find evidence around those fears, insecurities, negativity, self-doubts that you might have, those experiences, encounters, um, those, um, uh, I'm missing a word, but you also want to find the evidence that those things aren't justified around you being open and welcoming to feedback. So it could be the fact that you, you find, you know, that you do have some fears around whether or not you're skilled enough or smart enough or capable enough. But then there's evidence to say, well, wait a minute, I'm in this position that I'm in for, you know, these reasons. I've overcome and I've changed and transformed out of this past behavior or this past, um, attitude that I had. Or feedback that I received, and I've, you know, shifted and transformed from that in the past. And therefore, the evidence is that I don't have to be afraid of any type of feedback I'm receiving now, because sometimes I will fall short of someone's expectations, and sometimes I will elevate, uh, from expectation. And therefore, I should be open and okay with any of it. So find the why, find the source, and then find the evidence that you might be in your head and creating drama that doesn't have the right to be there. Okay, um, so why, source, and evidence. And then one key area, one key aspect of, um, you know, moving from that 10 defensiveness down toward that 1, which is very open and welcoming, I mentioned confidence, but with confidence, it is trust. It is trust in yourself, even far before, you know, there's trust in other people. There's trust in yourself that you are indeed a good person. You may fall short in areas, you may not be up to snuff, so to speak, um, you may even, you know, be well beyond. At the same time, you trust that you can and are and will, will change and transform and take this information, whatever it is, and use it in a, you know, in a good, constructive, positive way. So make sure you also really consider how much you trust yourself when it comes to change, because again, that's exactly what feedback is all around. It's about improving and growing you. And there— but that improve and grow is change. I happened to ask a room of, um, clients several weeks ago, uh, up, you know, to kind of rate themselves on a scale of 1 to 10, how open and willing are they to change. We weren't talking feedback, but again, you know, someone's going to change as a result of feedback. It could be feedback for themselves or feedback from others, and that therefore they want to improve and change. And, you know, I was pleasantly surprised how open and willing some— they all were to change. At the same time, I also challenged them to kind of pay attention to that rating as they moved forward. And they were going into a period where they would be getting their performance reviews. So there would be feedback there. And therefore, really kind of pay attention to how open and welcoming they are to that feedback as it pertained to them then wanting and, and saying that they are willing to change. And I would, you know, suggest the same thing for you as well. Okay. And then one key area when it comes to yourself that you certainly can, can leverage to your to your need when it comes to feedback is your manager or those around you at home or at work that are giving you feedback around any situation, whether it's your performance review or like we talked about, a, you know, comment that just comes up offhanded. The one thing that you might also share with others is how do you want to be given feedback. So if you haven't considered that for yourself, think about it. How do you want to be given feedback? Do you want it to be kind of straightforward, direct, you know, respectful, mature, professional, but at the same time, don't beat around the bush, don't, you know, coddle me, don't soft, soft shoe me, but give it to me direct? Or do you need it to be more you know, soft-spoken, more motivational, more, you know, wrapped in positive reinforcement. And whatever means you want to receive feedback is no one's business but your own. And therefore, be okay with however you are open and will be welcoming and, you know, and be willing to hear and pay attention and really listen to understand the feedback. So be honest with yourself, but then communicate that to those around you. Communicate that to those in your— you're in a relationship with. Communicate it to your team members. Communicate it to your boss. Communicate it to HR. This is how I am open and I'm constructive and I'm present and attentive in receiving feedback. Is if you were to do 1, 2, 3, and 4. But you first have to understand that for yourself. And many of you, and including myself for a long time, I never really sat down and intentionally thought about it and really crafted kind of my framework for how I want to receive feedback or even give feedback. So do that for yourself, okay? Identify the why, identify the source, find the evidence that your fears, insecurities, and negativities really have no basis for existing, and that you have received feedback in, you know, in the past, and you've survived and grown, and you'll do it again. So find the evidence to not be fearful or defensive around, um, receiving input, and then gain that trust within yourself that, you know, you can take something in and do something with it without responding in a way that's not going to be constructive, um, or beneficial to you or to anyone around you. And then understand and communicate to others how you want to, to be given feedback. Trust me, it'll make your bosses or your managers or whomever, your relationship so much better and easier for them as well as it's making it easier for you. All right. All right. So let's turn from you to how can you support others? And there's going to be a lot of overlap here. All right. So first, when it comes to you, then ensuring that others, you know, especially your team members, are going to be accepting and attentive and collaborative during your, you know, feedback with them, your communication with them. Well, you have to ensure— it's your responsibility to ensure that you're creating a safe space for them, that you're creating a place where they can trust that you do have positive intent, you do have a desire for them to improve and grow, that you do have their best interest in mind. And therefore, you're going to create you know, even that environment of, you know, how you or where you have this dialogue with them, you're creating a very safe, open, trusting, collaborative space. Now, I will throw in one quick thing here, um, a little bit somewhat off subject, but that means you're also not doing performance reviews or critical feedback in your office. When you're sitting behind your big desk and they're on the other side already feeling inferior to you. So if you really do care about creating a safe space and making sure that they're going to be open to this conversation you're going to have, then I would separate the both of you away from, you know, that power position. And I would make it to where your seats are right next to each other. And you're able to look in each other's eyes and, and kind of, you know, have a conversation, a dialogue, as opposed to this intimidating power position that, uh, typically, you know, the boss's desk, you know, creates, the boss's office even creates. Okay, just wanted to throw that in there. So create a safe space for them and then really kind of seek to understand why they may— why they may, not that they are, but why they may get defensive or uncomfortable or, you know, kind of deflect or start to, you know, kind of deny whatever it is that you're about to tell them. Like, even before you get into it, help them to get to let their guards down, uh, and get comfortable with the conversation you're about to have. Now you could be doing that by, you know, just how you open up the conversation. Uh, you know, this might be an uncomfortable conversation actually for both of us, uh, you know, because I certainly don't, you know, like to give, you know, hard or constructive feedback to someone. And at the same time, you know, I'm sure, you know, you're— it's not as if, you know, it's going to be a parade for you. Um, but however, I need you to be, you know, to listen and to pay attention and to collaborate with me and actually find opportunities and solutions to what it is that we're going to talk about. So, you know, can we both commit that this is a conversation, this is a dialogue, this is two-way, you know, conversation? And I'll promise not to just, you know, come at you and make statements to you, but you know, really seek to understand and to support and, and help you. So you can, you know, set up the, the conversation with them long before you start getting into the meat of it, because that's most— that's what majority of, of individuals do, and that's majority of why people get very defensive. Okay, and then you simply also want to be asking them a lot of questions. I'm known for for the, for the statement, which is, is going to sound contrary right now, but ask questions, don't make statements. I'm known for that. I'll call it a mantra. And it's really key because you really want to ask for questions behind whatever the feedback is that you're about to give. Why is it that they're acting out in the way that they are or not acting the way they are? You know, what is possibly causing at work or outside of work, you know, their behavior, their performance, their attitude, their actions, their words, whatever it is that's wrapped around the feedback. And that even pertains to when giving good feedback because again, as I mentioned, some people have a difficult time accepting compliments, taking compliments, receiving compliments. Owning compliments. And you also want to kind of understand that, like, why are you so uncomfortable, you know, hearing that you've done a fabulous job and the team, you know, loves you and you're really known to, to be a key team player? And, you know, all of a sudden you're watching them kind of shrink and you really want to understand why that is. You know, what, you know, was there a situation that that, uh, you know, has caused you in the past to get very uncomfortable with that. Because I really want you to show up, own it, you know, almost be imposing around, uh, your strengths, what I call riches. Uh, so there's, you know, both sides to receive feedback, both hard as well as easy and welcoming. And then also, just as I mentioned for you to kind of think about how you want to receive feedback, ask them, how best can I support you in providing you feedback, hard or easy? And how, you know, and how can I set it up in such a way that you're going to be open to it? You're going to be attentive. You're going to really listen to understand. So we can work together on whatever the, the next steps are. So you can also ask your people. It doesn't have to be during a formal performance review or 360 or a situation that you're having to give feedback. It could be just as part of your coaching and developing of your people is to ask them how they, how they receive or want to receive feedback. OK. Because the goal and the intention here is to ensure that you're also creating a relationship with your people where they also trust you. All right, and that is the one key reason why people do respond and react in such a negative way, hard way, defensive way. To feedback is oftentimes the person that is giving it to them, they don't have a high trust level with. Now, why would that be? Well, it could be, you know, one, their, their, the boss or the other person is modeling a similar behavior when it comes to them getting feedback, taking accountability, responsibility, owning, so forth and so on, their own actions and behaviors and performance. Um, at the same time, it could be because there's a breakdown in the relationship, and you really need to get an understanding of that before you even think you're going to be successful in not only them welcoming the conversation with you but changing and transforming as a result of it. Okay, so we covered a lot. What did you take away from it? What is even just one thing that you'll walk away with when it comes to either yourself or others, um, helping, you know, to move from that scale of 1 to 10, the 10 being defensive, the 1 being open and welcoming? You know, what is the one thing that you'll walk away with and put into practice so you do, you know, make a shift and a change and you start moving the needle a bit? Because as I said, it's so important and actually vital to yourself, your career, and those around you to ensure that feedback, conflict, just any difficult situation that needs to be worked through is going to, you know, require people to be open and receiving of it and welcoming of it. Because if not, then there won't be a change and there won't be a transformation. And therefore there won't be growth. All right, so if you are challenged in any way when it comes to, to this subject, when it comes to communication, when it comes to dealing with conflict, when it comes to handling difficult, hard, uh, conversations or feedback, then book a call with me at coachmebernadetteboas.com/discoverycall, and let's put a plan together, give you tips and strategies that you could be acting on right now you know, for yourself, with your team, and get you moving to be that powerhouse leader you're meant to be. All right. All right. Well, thank you so much for being here, and I'll look forward to having you during our next episode. And have a great, great week. Take care, everybody. Bye.