Get Smart with Your Emotions ➠ Nageen (Nyn) Riffat

Good day, good day, good day. Are you struggling to get ahead at work, find your purpose, or gain happiness in your life? Today we are answering the question: why do some people, supposedly brilliant and really talented, they struggle, and yet others who have fewer skills and maybe less talent actually succeed and tremendously succeed? We're going to answer that question with our guest, Nadine Rafit, leadership consultant with Nine Dreams LLC, will help us dig deep into how to get smart with your emotions. So let's do this, shall we?

Are you ready to create riches in your work and life? It's time for Shedding the Bitch Radio and TV, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear insecurity, self-doubt, and negativity so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches in life you deserve. So let's welcome your Ball of Fire host, Bernadette Boas.

Good day, good day, good day everyone, and please welcome Nine to the show. How are you?

I'm good, how are you? So excited to be here.

I'm excited to have you and this subject is, uh, not only is it imperative right now, I mean, it's really key for individuals out there, especially professionals who are just going crazy with everything that's going on in their lives and their work. Um, but at the same time, it's really a great grounding place for, for us to really share— you share kind of— I love that success blueprint. But before we get into all that, could you share a little bit about yourself and how you got into this line of business?

Sure. So my journey is like, I've been in corporate for more than 25 years, and I was always in key positions. But this entrepreneurial journey started after my divorce. So we were— I was in Pakistan with my two sons struggling. It was a messy divorce back in Pakistan, and then a messy custody, uh, situation there, which led me to finally leave the country, and I settled in the US. When I came here, obviously I was settling with my, uh, visa paperwork and everything, as you all know, and that was the time when I was not officially allowed to work, but I really wanted to be part of the community and, uh, Sitting at home wasn't making sense to me at all. So I reached out to local Chamber of Commerce in West Haven, Connecticut. That's the place where we landed, me and my two boys. And I just told them that I have this long experience. I submitted my resume and I said, I just want to volunteer my time here and let me know if I can be of any help. And the conversations, they were more interested about the journey, the tiring journey of me bringing my sons and more concerned about my security. And all that. But then, uh, they said, we'll give you a call. After 2 days, I got a call and they said, can you do something for our women entrepreneurs, like, uh, one-on-one sessions with them? And I proposed that probably I'll start with a group session and try to understand what exactly they want. And I had this conversation with them and I realized that each one was a rock star. They were so good in what they were doing but there was something that was holding them back. And they didn't even know what that was. And I told them that that's where I'm going to work with you and the emotional intelligence piece, which is so much taken for granted. People are more rated on their IQ but not on EQ.

Right.

But the thing is, the fact is that people are appreciated or rejected because of EQ, right?

Because of EQ.

Yes. Because of your emotional intelligence, how you behave and how you interact with people, how you connect with them. So we— I started working with them, and it was like a 3-month time till I was settling with my visa paperwork. And I got back to my corporate work as well. When I got into my— I was working with these women as a volunteer, but the program was going really well. And at the end of the program, I decided that I would start my own training program and kind of start my entrepreneurial journey. But I was having my corporate job with me because it was, you know, the nascent stage of me and my boys settling in a new country. So we really needed, you know, like an ability to come in and, you know, to run the kitchen, to put food on the table. But more than I expected, the business grew faster. And I, at the end of like a year or so, I didn't— I felt that I'm not being— I'm not doing justice to my business. And because I don't have that much time, I'm traveling a lot with my full-time job and So I just gave up my corporate career of 25 years and took Nin's Dreams as my everything. And I think that's the best decision that I took. My own life is an example of how emotional intelligence can help you move forward.

Right.

Because it helps you to identify yourself your weaknesses, your strengths. And then at the same time, it helps you to understand other people as well. So if you know, like, what triggers you, if you know what helps you to bring the best, what kind of environment supports you to perform your best, then you do everything accordingly.

Right.

As a corporate person, I have been on the tables where we were to take decisions on people's career.

Sure.

Yes. And trust me, not a single decision that I remember was based for promotion or for taking anybody to the next level, right, was based on their skills, right? Their degrees, their academic portfolio. Because you see, your academic portfolio gets you into the job.

Yes. Yes. Right. Right.

But when we are taking the decision to promote a person or to take them to the next level, we are looking at a person who is able to connect with people. Can he/she be a good team leader?

Exactly.

Can he/she handle— Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Before we get there, because I definitely want to get to that subject because I think our listeners and viewers would definitely want to know, especially those corporate professionals that participate, they definitely want to know what does it take for them to get ahead. But before we get there, let's back up a little bit. Help everyone, because emotional intelligence, EQ, EI, all of that gets thrown around very loosely, and therefore a lot of people just simply ignore it. And actually, this is what I was told in just this past week and a half. So help, help everyone to understand first, from a practical perspective, you said IQ and then EQ. So help them differentiate between the two.

See, IQ is something that you have, which is more logic. That is according like your subject, you become a subject matter expert. It's more around logic. If you're a doctor or an engineer or even a journalist, you know how to write, how to, you know, draft, or how to, you know, you know, to identify or to discover things through a set process, a skill set, which can be referred as a confirmed process for anything, like diagnosis of a disease. So, you know, if you're diabetic, so the doctor would follow exact steps how to identify or diagnose that what level of diabetes you are at. That's a process that you follow. That's your IQ. That's your intelligence, which you are getting from your books, your knowledge, your academic, uh, understanding, and your own intelligence of how you have picked the skills.

And somebody's experience and expertise and everything that they've been doing for whatever many years, for a very long time. Right.

So that's all— that all composes your IQ. Now, the EQ part is your self-awareness, your self-management, your social awareness, your social management. EQ is further, you know, like branched out with something that we now call cultural intelligence as well. This is something which is very strong these days. So all this is also part of emotional intelligence. Now, what happens is that emotional intelligence is more around your behavior towards certain people, circumstances, events, and situations. How you handle—

yeah, yeah. So would you say it's your kind of your emotions, your beliefs, your thoughts, your words, and therefore your behavior and the actions that you're taking?

Yes. So even your own— there must be events in your life, which can be your childhood, maybe, or an adult trauma or a memory related to that. And I can, as we go along, I can give examples. Like I'll give my personal example so nobody feels offended. And I have the copyrights to do that. Right. So and that's all my book is about also. So your emotional intelligence helps you to step ahead. You have the skills, you have studied, you have knowledge, you have experience, you have everything, but your emotional intelligence kind of, um, essence it with the power to move forward and be accepted and people really willing to connect with you.

Is it also why you say that, um, And really the question that you're answering today is why some very smart, brilliant, talented people struggle when less skilled or talented people actually thrive and flourish. It's not because of their skills and their talent and expertise. It's because of their emotional intelligence. Is that right?

Yes, correct. And why I'm saying this is connecting to the point that I started earlier, was that when we take decisions to promote someone or to take them to the next level. See, we already know the company, the organization, or you as an entrepreneur also knows that I have this knowledge, right? That is why I'm here, right?

Right.

I'm hired because I kind of qualified. Your IQ piece is done right now. Yeah, what we want to take you to the next level, and that next level may be taking bold decisions, right, requiring more confidence, the ability to take risk, the ability to take ownership if things fail, how you handle failure. So now we are talking about all the X factors which will move you to the next level.

Yeah, yeah. And could you sum those up? Like, if you were to think about those as an attribute, So someone has to be bold and courageous and accountable, compassionate. Is that where you're kind of taking us?

Yes. And the reason is, see, when— because when we are taking that decision, for example, there are two people, A and B, and these two people are— we are considering them for a promotion, right? Or even in our own business, we're considering them to take to the next level, right? Now, what happens is that we pers— why we say that EQ takes over is because EQ is a difficult thing to train. So what we do is that, okay, this person has all the skills, but all the IQ part, but the person doesn't have the ability to be a team player.

Right.

Or is fearful of taking decisions. Now, this is something the company feels that it will be difficult to teach that person, because that's not innate quality of that person.

Right, right.

Whereas a person who may have a lower degree or low experience, less experience, let's say, and that person has the ability to do teamwork, that's his or her innate quality, to be a team player, to be compassionate, is compassionate, is kind, is connecting. Then we say, okay, this, this is something that's in her, that's her power. Now the missing piece, which may be a certification or a learning, that we can pay and get it done. Another person is full.

Right. So, but one thing you said that's interesting, and I definitely need to hit on it because some, some of our viewers and listeners might be, what, I can be trained? You had said that, that it might not be innate in someone. Some of those attributes, some of those soft skills may not be innate. But do you really believe that someone can't learn to be compassionate, empathetic, to be a risk taker? Do you feel that it's either in your bones or it's not?

No. So here where people like me come, because we have emotional intelligence coaches all around the world, and it's, it's, it's stemming up. People are now understanding this. See, we, we have to dig deeper to find out why. And it's up to you, it's up to the person if he or she is ready to take that journey. Okay, because then we reach out with them, we go under the layers to find out what is stopping them, right? It may be a childhood trauma, it may be something that they have like been hearing from the world about themselves for ages, and it has kind of, you know, like they have adopted it. Yes, I am this, you know. For example, I'll give you a very simple example. Like in our part of the world, fair skin is a thing, you know? So if you have a fair skin, you are beautiful. That's the definition of beauty in our part of the world, which is like Pakistan, India, the South Asian people.

Right, right.

And so I always— I have a wheatish complexion all through my life. Till I actually— till my 30s, I never wore red because I was given this impression by everybody, including my mom, my brothers, my cousins, that red color doesn't suit a Vedic complexion. You look ugly, you look ugly, right? So this is something that was, you know, I was holding it to my heart for so long.

Right.

And I was like, I will never wear red because I would never look good. So I never tried it. I just believed what people said.

Right, right, right.

So again, and when I tried, I looked okay.

I was going to say, I would think you look beautiful in red.

I was like, okay, there was nothing wrong. I had to take that journey, take that risk to buy, to invest, to wear, to, you know, change my mind, to see what actually it is. Now, a little more, uh, this is like a— this is something, um, a very simple kind of example. But if we go deeper in my life, when I was dealing with my team, uh, you know, in my corporate career we usually have these, you know, feedback sessions, the 360 feedback sessions, right? And my team would all— I would get A+ in everything from my teams all across the globe. But the only thing that everybody would say in between the lines, or somebody would really open up and say, and, you know, was like, she doesn't trust Wow. Right. And when I was given my feedback, I really wanted to, you know, dig deep into it. This is a constant thing that came from all my people. And what is it? And I had a session with my manager as well. That is it. Do you really think I don't trust? And his reply was, yes, you don't even— at times I feel that you don't even trust my decisions, right? And I said, you never, you never told me this. And he said, no, but, but you handle it in a different way. And I said, let me reflect back. And I started reflecting. So what I would always do, like, it was very normal for me that if somebody would come up with an idea, I would say 'Yeah, we can do it. Let's see.' So that person— and I would let them do that. I would support them to the fullest. That is why I got A+ in all the categories, you know, like, as a manager. But that whole— the way I was coming out to them in the first thing was like, 'Let's see, maybe let me think over it.' That was giving them the impression that our manager doesn't trust us. She feels that she can do better or she can develop. That is how it was going to them. Whereas on my end, it wasn't that. It was just that, okay, you give me something, I'll just sleep over it, and then we can work it together. And then we would work together.

So, so do you think it was the words you used, or was it even kind of the behavior or the approach you took?

To see— so now another thing here is that Definitely the words, but the words were not coming out for no reason. The words were coming out because all that I had experienced in my life with my people, with my ex-husband or in-laws, it had— or friends during that journey, I failed to trust people. Every time my trust was broken, so I was like, okay, I'll just think over it and then take a decision, not trust them forthrightly, because the moment I do that, I fail, they fail me, right?

That's your belief.

Yes. So that's, that's, and that's where emotional intelligence comes. At first, you have to have that self-awareness of why, what you said you said, right?

Right.

There must— and then something triggered you, and it be— and it becomes part of you that it— you say it without any problem. Like we say good morning, right? We say goodbye, we say hello, we say thank you. It's so— some words become so much part of us which are critical to others. But we forget to see that picture. So emotional intelligence, and I literally had to work on it. Now, what after I figured out what it is, I'm, you know, through that process that I'm, I teach my clients and everything, I figured out now my approach is that when somebody comes and says that, let's do it, we think that we can do this project this way. My way, my thing was, wow, you did your homework. Let's discuss. And whatever questions that I would have, which I initially was telling them that, oh, let me think over it, which was giving them the impression that I don't trust you.

Right.

That piece was gone.

Fascinating.

Right. So this is what emotional intelligence does.

Right.

And right now when we are you know, so much. Everybody's so sensitive. And, you know, you, you just can't comment on anybody. Even if you say good things, they would doubt.

Right, right.

So emotional intelligence teaches us that where this, this person is coming from, it helps us to meet the person where the person is.

Love that. Because what was coming up for me is two things. So there are two questions I want to ask you. So, and I have to always do it, or I'll forget. One is, was it that situation with your, your performance review or assessment that was the trigger to kind of become self-aware and do the work? So that's the first question. But the second question, based on what you just said, is, are you also saying emotional intelligence is a two-way street? It's the person themselves that have to be self-aware. But it's the other person too that has to be almost empathetic and try to relate to why this person may be acting the way that they're acting, that they just don't want to make assumptions or judgments or ridicule. They want to go, okay, so what's happening with this person? So is it kind of a two-way street? So that those first two questions.

Yeah. So answering to your first question is yes, definitely. When my assessment, my yearly assessment was done and I was like being assessed for taking the VP level. So, you know, it was really important to me and my career. It was a turning point for my career. So definitely, it, you know, opened my mind. And when I got— and when I went back and I discussed with my close people, my friends whom I trust, I said, do you feel that I don't trust you people at any point? And they started— you know how friends are— they started saying, oh yes, when we told you to dye your hair this color, or when we told you to drink, have, try this instead of this. And, you know, so I was like, oh my God, I'm like doing this day and night without even knowing that people are getting this impression that I don't trust them.

Wow.

I doubt them. And then I started doing the work. Now, coming to your second question, which is so important, is that, um, is it a two-way street? Right. So it is a two-way street. And that is why I'm focusing so much. It's like I feel that I'm on a mission to let people— because it's so difficult. Trust me, even in my business, when I tell people what I do, to sell my product is so different. It's so difficult for me to make people understand what I am doing.

Right.

Why is it important and why you need to get this? In your life, right? To make things— yeah. So because it's just not that, you know, but I mean, it's so— I'm not saying it's— I'm not like— don't take me wrong, it's not that I'm judging, but it's so easy to say that I'm a social media manager. It's because everybody knows that what they want from that person, right? Or what that person is selling. Now, when I go and say that I'm an emotional intelligence consultant, I was like, okay, what are you going— so at times I feel that I am selling something which people definitely need, but they don't know that they need.

It's true. It's— I, I feel you, girl. I feel you.

Thank you so much.

You are not alone. You are not alone.

It's like I have to tell— so what I do— so there are two parts of my business. I do a lot of volunteer work. I make sure that I'm invited at schools, at colleges, I go and speak there. I write, I do, because of my book, I get a lot of speaking stages also at domestic violence and human trafficking survivors. So I go them and I just bring this emotional intelligence piece into it. Like resilience, from where do you get that resilience? And this is all parts and shades of emotional intelligence. So a lot of awareness is needed. And this is something I may be going off, but very important is when I was asked for an interview at your show, and I was writing, filling up the form, and I was literally praying that will she understand how important this is? Because I need platforms to give awareness to people. That you may hold a doctorate degree, but if you don't know how to connect with people, you will struggle in giving your best, your skills. People will, will not come to you. They will have— why do we say, oh, you know, there, if you go to a restaurant and that you're a regular visitor to a restaurant, you go there and you say, oh, you know what, let's cross our finger that the, that girl is on the cashier. Counter, you know, counter. Why do we say that? Because there is one of them who is like more friendly, who would understand, not giving you anything for free, but the way she would talk is that would make us feel comfortable, right? That maybe whatever we are ordering, she would understand. It's not that the other waiter or waitress wouldn't understand, but it's something, that extra thing that she puts in.

Yep, yep.

But that has nothing to do with the IQ, that has nothing to do with her knowledge about the restaurant industry. It's just Right.

Absolutely. You know, if you look at it, it's almost like why brands— and look at commercials, you know, they're not selling tires, they're selling safety and security and stability. You know, they're not selling telephones, they're selling connection and engagement. So they're going after the EI side. And because they recognize that the IQ is just a commodity.

Correct.

And the EQ is more of the special sauce, right?

Yes, yes. So here we have— we, we really want to, you know, even in the corporate now, the trend is that they are hiring consultants like us to help understand emotional intelligence of their leaders, of their potential, uh, people like the, uh, talent, potential talent that they have, or top talent, whatever they call to gauge their emotional intelligence or help them develop those skills where they are lagging behind, or at least help them understand what they would do to overcome that piece. And part of all the programs that I do, I definitely do an assessment with them. They get a full report, which I go through with them and tell them that this is— these are your positives, these are your negatives. And then how you can— at times, you see, there, there are times when you cannot really, really change the negative part of you. Let's accept this, right? But you cannot hang on that negative part. Why don't you— my question is, why don't we amplify our strengths?

Right, right.

Why we focus— because at times we give a lot of energy on things that we need to improve Yes, yes. Rather than the strengths that we have that just needs a little bit of uplift and amplify them, and here we go, right?

I have to just— I have to disagree with you, Nin, on the— there's just some negatives you can't change, because that's where Shedding the Bitch came from, is I was the nastiest person in all aspects, um, and I just had to do what you did, you know, go do a lot of digging Um, so I do believe people can, uh, um, can change completely. However, to your point, yes, I think people need to showcase their talents and be proud of them.

Yes, like for example, I'll give you my example, and I mean, it's a funny one, but this is like the truth of my life, right? I would always take a back seat, uh, because of how I was told about my complexion, right? I would always— I would say, oh my God, you know, maybe I'm not— I don't look good. I mean, you know, and I was— I was perfect, but I always thought that way, right? But then this is something that I can't change. Now this time, definitely there are so much medications and surgeries and all. You can do whatever you want, right? But who wants to take path, a normal girl, an ordinary person. Why would you take that path, right?

Yeah.

And I was like, why I'm hiding, right? For what? I mean, people— the people who care about this— I'm not going for a beauty contest, right? I want to make my life do something exceptional.

Yes.

And that doing something exceptional needs my passion, needs my commitment. It doesn't need my complexion, for God's sake.

But your complexion is gorgeous.

Yes, that's, that, that's, that's what I believe now for sure.

Your complexion is gorgeous. I, you know, it's always greener on the other side, man. You know, it's always like, I would love to have even like the darker, you know, chocolate almond color skin, you know. And I love that.

I get you, I get you. But the thing, yeah, but, but it's like, you know, it's, it's not the, the truth of the fact is that I was not the person who didn't like it. You know, I love myself completely, how I look, how I am.

Right.

I was made to believe. Yes.

Yeah.

And since I wasn't working on my self-awareness and the social awareness or management kind of a thing, the culture piece and all, I was too young or too naive or not ready to do that work. So I was taking all the BS that was coming. I was absorbing it and, and absorbing it, and it was hurting me, not them.

Right.

So emotional— yeah, and emotional intelligence teaches you that the moment a person says that, oh, you're not good at it, or you, you are not doing it well, or this is not the way you're supposed to do— please, audience, my precious people, understand this, that it is coming from a space of lack, some kind of insecurity, some kind of experience in their own lives that triggered them what to say, what they told you. It's not about you at all.

It's their issue, not yours.

It's— yeah, it's their issue. They need to work on that. But what you need to work on is to understand that you have— what are your strengths? What are you capable of? Yeah, yeah, that's, that's, that is what is your responsibility, right? And if each one of us starts taking that responsibility and start going to that, through that journey of self-knowing, self-awareness, and whatever you call, and in my terms, emotional intelligence, trust me, it will be a game changer for everyone.

Absolutely. Amen, sister.

Amen. Yes.

But I, I do, um, wanted to— I do want to ask you about your success blueprint though. So what is that all about, or what does that look like, or can you tease us with what, you know, what someone can kind of come to you, uh, you know, in order to build their own success blueprint?

See, what, uh, the process is very simple. Once, uh, you come to me, I always have a 60-minute free consultation. That's— it starts with that because I really need to understand why you have come to me. Right, right. Again, because, because if you are saying that you need support from emotional intelligence consultant, that means you know yourself more than any other person, right? Or you have at least figured out, which is like massive, which is huge, huge, huge. So for that, just to honor that, you get a 60-minute consultation where I kind of listen to what exactly they want to get from their emotional intelligence. Like, is it a career that they are targeting? Is it a relationship they are targeting? Is it their business that they are targeting? You know, like they want to build the business and they're not— because emotional intelligence helps you to get the right clients as well, do the right messaging and audience as well. So that is what the 60-minute free consultation does. But after that, once you're on board with me. The first thing is that you— I give a test, an assessment, which is about 50-60 questions, not very, very basic questions, but it gives you situations and you give answer options A or B, A or B or B. There's a system which generates the report and then it tells you what kind of personality you have, what are your positives and what are your negatives. I go through the report and then dig deeper. And it's like a 2-week process that we have different conversations. And then based on what they actually want from the emotional intelligence piece, based on their report and the conversations that I'm having with them, I put together what are the areas they need to focus on, what kind of books would help them, what kind of relationships would help them, and where— if it's a business, so how long it would take them to be to that level, right? And I just take them through that journey, that, okay, now come and sit in my car and I'll take you through the journey, how this is going to be. And that, that's it. So that's the blueprint that you get, and, uh, you understand what, uh, through your emotional intelligence, your strengths. How can you manage yourself socially, especially with the sensitivity going around, with the diversity, with inclusion, with belonging, all these things that are— have now become a regular kind of talk at any— forget about corporates, even at home.

Right.

It helps us to, you know, like strengthen our kids also. Because if we understand this, this is what the conversations that we are having on the dining table.

Yeah, absolutely.

Because, because you see that the fears or the, the positives or the negatives that I carried for a long time about myself, the perception was more that I got on the dining table.

Yeah, yeah.

So, and because that is what I carried with myself to my school, right?

Sure.

And when I was telling, when I was telling everybody, oh, this is me, I can do this, I cannot do this. And then so the surroundings started, you know, like kind of strengthening that piece. Oh yeah, you, you, yeah, you can't do that. Yeah, you can do this. We thank you. There are very rare situations where people or teachers will come into your life who will say, oh, you can do this better, or this is your positive. So what I'm trying to say is you carry everything, um, um, you know, like your school, your college, even at your office when you go and you say, oh, you know what, I'm not good at numbers, but I am good at this. And then so somebody will take that and carry that forever, right? Sure. You might have improved on your numbers, but on your calculations, on your maths, but that person will always carry what you said about yourself. So always say positive things about yourself.

Absolutely.

And so what I tried to tell them is like through that success blueprint, the kind of language that they would carry, not only in terms of words, but also the kind of language that they carry through their movements, through their presence. The vibes that they give, it is so important.

Absolutely, absolutely. Uh, yeah, it's so much help.

It's very comprehensive.

Yeah, very cool. So tell us a little bit about your story, and you captured it in a book called, um, I don't know if you use the hashtag, Her Rhythm: You Are More Than Your Survival Story. Um, and you shared a little bit about it at the beginning— divorce, coming over from Pakistan. But obviously there's got to be a lot more to it that you wrote a book and now you're speaking around the world around about it.

Right. So see, my book is more about— so I am a domestic violence survivor. I take pride in it. Not that I was going through domestic violence, but I'm a domestic violence survivor.

Right. Right.

And if I can do this, if I can be where I am, My two sons are doing exceptionally well in their studies and their colleges and their games, everything. Two confident boys. If I can raise, you can do that too.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Because I'm just as human as you are. I'm as blessed as you are. There is nothing I was given extraordinary from heavens above that, oh, you know, like, she's going through this, so you tell little one, you take this from me. God didn't do this with me. So it was all— I'm an ordinary girl like any other girl that we know. Right. So that was the whole concept, to let people understand that you may go through so many things. But the thing is that being an emotional intelligence coach, my book definitely has shades, has background, has references from my story. Yes, I have shared how I've been bullied. I have shared how I was physically treated. I have been very vulnerable and open in that book. But I have connected every bad or good incident of my life with a lesson, right? And that lesson is not just for us to live better lives or have better relationships, but be better leaders.

Yes. Awesome.

Because a woman is leader in every aspect. So when you, when you go through the book, so the book has chapters which are named by every lesson that I have learned, like don't stay in denial.

Right.

That's, that's a huge one because I stayed in that marriage for 12 years. Not because I was enjoying it, or I was going through this, uh, Stockholm syndrome that I'm like loving the person also who is being brutal to me. It was more that I was in state of denial that this is happening to me. How can this happen to me, right? It's not, it's, it's not. There must be something else. There must be something else. Yeah. And the same mistake we do in our corporate jobs, in our businesses as well, that we stay too long in denial. We don't accept our mistakes, where we are going wrong, where we are playing small. And, or to identify our strengths, we deny what strengths, what powers we have within. And that keeps us away from our goals.

Sure, absolutely.

And then fear. Don't make decisions in fear because they did— that won't take you anywhere, right? A big one, the ones that I really love that have changed my life, and those are the ones that I'm highlighting, those are part of the books, of the book. The another big one is that take help when you need.

Yay to all the women out there!

Yes. Please do so. It's not, it's not just going to a shelter or dialing that, um, helpline. It's not that. I'm not talking about that. It's the help that you need. Even ask for it, even if you're an entrepreneur, even if you're in corporate. If you think you need to learn something, go to your manager, ask for it.

Yeah, so I'm your pride, right?

Yes. Correct. If you, if you need help to get to the next level in your business, and you think that it— what will be the worst thing that can happen if you seek help is getting a no, right?

Right.

So that's it, right? Even now you don't have that. So if that person says no, what will be the difference? Nothing. But if that person says yes, you are a whole different— you're writing a whole different story, right?

Absolutely. Love it.

And the biggest example is that I wanted— I knew that I will never, ever win custody of my boys in that country because of the laws. I know my boys will go through hell. And so was I. I was already going through it. I reached out to my manager because it was a multinational company. I reached out to my manager. I said, I cannot continue my job any longer in Pakistan. I'm not safe. My boys are not safe. Can you help me?

Wow. Wow.

So because I needed that help, right?

Yeah, right.

Where would I have gone without like any support system? I needed that help. And then the first move I made was to Dubai. It wasn't to US directly. I went to Dubai first with my boys. Unfortunately, Dubai is also an Islamic country, so the laws were as strict, in fact more strict, with a single mom and boys in custody. My children— and this is— this— if you guys, if you are moms, and even if you're not moms, if you are human beings, can you imagine your kids sitting at home for 3 months, not going to school.

No, no.

Just because that, as per a certain law, because they're staying with their mom, they are not accepted in the school.

Oh, that's, that's big. That's big. Right.

And I went through that piece, that, that, that whole thing. And finally, I made a decision that I'll come to us. And when I came to US with my boys, because my company is like, it was a multinational based out of US. When I came to US, my company was very clear that I cannot start job from the very first day till I get my paperwork, uh, like neat and clean, like what, however it is needed, like the work authorization and everything, right? And this will take time. Till then, Najin, you have to find a way of managing you and your boys. So all the savings that I did— and be ready to go through the pain or live. But you, you cannot achieve your dream just like that. It doesn't happen. There would be— because we are here and I am so connected with the audience, um, because of this beautiful young lady that I have as my host, and she's like touching the pulse. And I, I just can't stop. I'm just sharing the truth.

Right.

And there were days when I couldn't put food on my table twice a day.

Right.

There was one meal that we all used— three of us would have.

Right.

But I was not ready to go for food stamps. I'm not saying that's wrong. If you have that, definitely I wouldn't have gone either. But if you have that, you do that. Whatever helps you to keep things going, do that. But at the same time, your focus should be to stand up on your feet and win the world because you have something which the world needs. Yes, there is something in you. Even if you are in business, the same goes, the same thing goes. Um, it's just not like surviving a difficult marriage or a divorce or coming out of a human trafficking scenario. It's not about that. It's about everything. Even in your business, if you think that you have to get to point B from point A, and that would take extra work, that would need help from 2 or 3 other sources, reach out to them, write to them, call them.

All they can do is say no.

Yes. And as I said, that their no will not make things worse for you. The things that you— the condition that you are now, it will be the same with that no. But with that yes, the chances are that it will— the, the reason you thought about it is because you knew that if we— I reach to that person or that organization, things will change, right?

Right.

So just don't keep it to your heart because they are not prophets. They won't know.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely fabulous.

Yeah.

So these are the certain lessons that are there in the book. And, and then you have to have partners in believing. This is so important, right? Your partners in believing is when you are losing hope. There are friends, certain friends who will tell you, no, it's not over.

Right.

And those are your partners in believing. They believe in your dream more than you.

Yeah.

And you just need it. You just need that.

Yes, you need that. So if you have partners, and everybody has it, just don't say, oh my God, start making the list. I'm, I'm sure you will have one or two, and that's all you need.

Yeah, well, absolutely. Yeah. Yes.

In my case, I was lucky. I had like a group of people who were my partners in believing, but above all of that, my sons. Yeah, because for them it was like that, mom is— I, I'm always a Wonder Woman for them, right?

Right. Fabulous.

So, you know, I'm, I'm like a living Wonder Woman for them. But the thing is that where it came from, because they knew that if whatever she is doing, she is doing with a conviction, right, that she has to do the right things the right way.

Absolutely right. So ask for help.

Yes. So ask for help. Ask for help.

Yeah.

And then one important thing, even while you are listening to this show, after this show, do a little exercise and you'll be surprised. You do a little exercise, take a piece of paper and just write what are the good things about yourself. 4 good things about yourself. Trust me, you will take a day to write those. And the moment I will say take a piece of paper and write what you don't like about yourself, there you go.

Yeah, yeah.

You will start with every aspect like physical, knowledge, anything. You will come up with so many things that you don't like about yourself, right? And just because that list is longer, the, the things that are really important that makes you you, you ignore them, right?

So spend time with that, with that side of the paper, so to speak. Yeah. And really come up with what, what your, you know, what's really special about you and what makes you different. That's awesome. This has been Fabulous. I could talk to you forever. Yes, I could talk to you forever, and your story is fabulous. So, um, I want to remind everybody, go to nynsdreams.com. That's N-Y-N-S dreams.com. But also be sure to go to Amazon and pick up her book. It's got to be— it's— and I'll be picking it up very shortly. Um, hashtag Her Rhythm: You Are More Than Your Survival Story. And just what you've shared with us in regards to your parts of it, and then the lessons you've learned from it, and the different things that, that have happened to you, but how you've overcome is just amazing. So I wish you all the wonder and all the success in the world. And, uh, I am so grateful that you were here today to share your story with us. So thank you so, so much.

Thank you so much.

You are so welcome. All right, everybody, that was Awesome. And these are the type of guests we have each and every week on Shedding the Bitch. So please tune in at Tuesday's noon Eastern time, or anywhere you can get your podcast or your videocast. So join us on Shedding the Bitch TV on YouTube, go to Shedding the Bitch on Facebook or, um, or Twitter, and even LinkedIn. So, um, just come back, join us, and I'll look forward to having you right back here next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Thanks everybody, bye.

Thank you for taking part in Shedding the Bitch Radio and TV with Bernadette Boas. We would love to know what your biggest takeaway was. Go to Shedding the Bitch on Facebook or YouTube and leave a comment. You can also subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts and YouTube so you don't miss a single episode of the show. And with your input, we can help other power house women just like you find the show and decide if it's right for them. Learn more about Bernadette at balloffirecoaching.com. See you next week.