Go from Bitch to Badass with Dorothy Kuhn

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Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at BlogTalkRadio.com/SheddingtheBitch or or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back. 818-572-2910.

Good day, good day, good day everyone! How are you? I'm so excited that you're here today with us because we have a great badass show coming your way, so, uh, stay tuned. But it's just a glorious day here in Atlanta, as many of you know who listen to us regularly. Uh, I'm in Atlanta, uh, and it's just gorgeous. We're starting to feel the, the fall, you know, coming in, and the leaves are starting to, to drop, and, uh, it is just glorious out. I'm, I'm a little relieved that the humidity and the heat is backing down, but in about 3 months I'll be telling you it's so cold, blah blah blah. But I hope it is beautiful and wonderful wherever you might be. It is one of those Tuesdays too that we just have to kind of all take a deep breath and appreciate where we are in life, you know, in order to appreciate too what folks like in North and South Carolina and Virginia are going through right now with Florence. So prayers out to all of, all those that are directly impacted, all of those who have family members and/or loved ones outside the area, but yet you're feeling the pains of it as well. And just please, please, please stay safe. Listen to whatever requests are being made in regards to your safety. And just, we'll be praying and hoping that you'll heal both internally and in the community around you as quickly as possible. And of course, we often talk about ways that you can help and support and donate. And I would suggest you doing some of that research and homework, you know, in regards to where you might put your energy, maybe your time, and/or maybe your money. And they certainly can use, use, use the help. I know here in Atlanta there's been, you know, every media outlet and school and business— not every business, but many of the big businesses are taking collections of whether it's water or food or whatever they might put on a designated list of things that are needed in order for those individuals to be able to eat, have a roof over their head. I know Airbnb and many of the hotels are opening up their doors to take folks in that just need some shelter. So all the prayers and hope and healing and angels are flying to your way if you're in North or South Carolina, Virginia, or any of the areas, not only in the country but around the world, that are going through some pains. I'd also like to take this opportunity to ask for our Shedding the Bitch community's prayers for a dear friend of mine. I happened to go and visit with her husband this morning, who's actually the first— the immediate friend that I have, and then I've gotten to know his wife over the years. They're neighbors and business colleagues, and she was diagnosed with a brain tumor about 6 months ago. So you can only imagine what she and her family is going through. So I would like to ask for your prayers and your thoughts and well wishes for Karen and her family. So I thank you very much in advance for that. We all could use that energy and that support, even if we don't know, know someone and/or we're not even in the vicinity. Your, your prayers are felt, and I would— and she would welcome each and every one of them. All right, on to some— a different tone, because we do have a great conversation ahead today, but coming up on the program, we will be talking with Chris Stefanik about self-sabotage. Now this is a great and an important subject to have this time of year because we are rolling into that holiday season, rolling into that season of festivity, but yet for many people, they get caught up in a lot of their own bitches, a lot of their own junk, for many reasons. And there's a lot of self-sabotaging that goes on this time of year when we should be celebrating. Each and every day we should celebrate, but we should be celebrating. So this conversation rolling into the October time period and into that kind of holiday festive quarter will be a great conversation to have in advance of that. And I expect Kris to be able to have a powerful conversation with us in order to kind of shift those bitches to riches, as we say here in the Shedding the Bitch community. And then we get into October, if you can believe it. We get into October and we kick off the first Tuesday of every month with Ask Me Anything. So you can be posting your questions, your stories, your challenges out on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn is where I get majority of my direct messages and the questions that you might have for yourself or for someone else, and it could be about your job, it could be about a business that you have, or it could be a personal challenge that you're going through that you need some, some support. And whether it's very specific, like say you have a marketing question or you have a business planning question or maybe a career question, Um, and, uh, if I am unable to answer it because it's not my area of specialty, that's why we have our experts and our guests each and every week and, uh, all throughout the year that are available to you. If you ask me that question and I can't answer it, then I'm going to reach out to those experts in order for you to get the support and the help that you need. So like I said, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, you can send me a direct message at BernadetteBoas@sheddingthebitch.com. I answer them immediately. I'll give you those tips, those pieces of advice, that tough love should you need it immediately, but then we bring them right here onto the program the first Tuesday of every month and drill into them even deeper. And you have an opportunity, should you be available, to come online and have that conversation with me directly. So a lot of ways for you to get the support and the help that you need. And that kind of transitions us into today's conversation because our guest is one of those people you want in your Rolodex. That's an old term for you, but you want to know her, you want to connect with her, you want to engage her. So we're going to have a lot of fun as we're talking about strategy to help you de-stress and go from bitch to badass. How about that? I love that. According to our guest, she grew up thinking if she worked hard and did her work, she would be rewarded for it. I have to admit, that's how I was raised, most definitely. It's partly true, according to our guest. What she didn't know was the bigger game. And in this game, you not only get to choose the career you want, you get to decide how you're gonna play it. And to someone else's view, or into the future you want for yourself. So I want you to be listening to, um, the conversation for these great insights that she's going to be providing. We're going to talk about 3 major elements of the game: the status, the vision, and the fun you have playing the game, and what they each do for you. What does status do for you? What does vision do for you? What is having fun do for you and how to choose which one you want to get better with first. So we always talk about putting things in priority and focusing on one thing so you can complete that and get that confidence and, and energy behind what it is that you're working on. So for those of you new to the program, we ground our conversation as we roll into a commercial break. We ground you in a rich question of what we want you to be thinking about as we have this conversation. And I can guarantee you, I know none of my guests has failed me yet. I can guarantee you, you will get the answers that you have to this rich question before the end of the show. If you don't, we certainly throughout the program make sure you have all of their contact information so you can reach out to them directly. And we want you to, because again, individuals like our guests, she's someone you want to know. She's someone you want to connect with. Work with, and have in your Rolodex. So your rich question I want you to be thinking about is, and it's based on her conversation with you today, are you living based on what others expect of you, or are you living you and what it is you want for yourself? Are you living based on what others expect of you, or are you indeed living you and what it is you want for yourself. So as we go to commercial break and I get you to get on Facebook, Twitter, tweet with us, Facebook post with us, send out shouts to our guests and myself, we'd love to hear from you. You can use the rich tags #LoveMyJob, #PersonalGrowth, or #ShedTheBitch. We're going to take a quick commercial break. When we come back, I'm going to introduce you to our guest and we're going to get into this conversation and we're going to get you from bitch to badass. We'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette Boas' book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to ngtaxsolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to BlogTalkRadio www.facebook.com/SheddingTheBitchRadio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone! I'm so excited to have this conversation with our guests about de-stressing and going from bitch to badass. So let me introduce you to Dorothy Coon. Dorothy grew up a mystical Christian kid running around the woods with her little brothers and the neighborhood kids, so fascinated with how cool the world is. She had to learn all about it. She studied science, graduated in physics and math. She won her first professional position knowing more quantum mechanics than anyone else. After a few years in systems engineering, She knew her best shot at advancement was into management and leadership, but how was she going to do that? She's here to share with you how you can have the career and the earnings you want while keeping your integrity and still having a home life, and how to accelerate your path with targeted mentoring that gives you the clarity you need so you get career momentum and achieve the impact you want for yourself, for your company and your family, all in a way that's fun and lets you shed the bitch. I love it. Welcome, Dorothy.

It is a pleasure to be with you, Bernadette.

Well, you know, ever when I came across, um, your— you, your brand, your business, the benefits and the value that you provide, um, individuals I just, I was like, okay, a woman who's out there badassing herself, I definitely need my Shedding the Bitch community to meet. So I'm thrilled to have you. So give us some idea of how you got here. Obviously, you're a systems engineer and then all of a sudden you're this powerhouse of a successful she, as your website says. Kind of give us your story before we dive into the subject at hand.

So, I was a really geeky kid, you know. I would say when I was real young, I was that kind of mystical kid. And then, about the time I was going to school, you know, I started— you know how our brains develop and you start getting like a bigger neocortex where, you know, school learning comes in handy. That's what school learning is for, that part of the brain. And, and, you know, I grew up in a military family. If PTSD had been diagnosable back in the day, oh honey.

Yep.

So, so, you know, by the time I was about ready to go to school, I was just really shutting down emotionally because the PTSD made family life like we were just walking around on pins and needles. You never knew what was going to happen. And, you know, my dad was a great guy, but they had this thing going on. And as a little kid, do we understand that stuff?

No.

And so I just, I just made, you know, a promise to myself that I was going to focus, focus, focus on, on my education. I knew that was the ticket out of this level of hell that I was living in. And, you know, as a, and as a little kid going to church, I kind of had a pretty working description of what that nasty place was.

Oh boy.

So I just focused, and I, I became really, really, really geeky. And that path led me to graduating, you know, I was who's who in physics in high school. I went to university, declared my major, never changed it once.

Wow. Wow. And are you— and so So now that you're in this work, what is kind of the biggest aha moment you might have had coming from that type of very kind of what I'll call restraint to something that's just so open, the kind of advice and support and mentoring and coaching you provide? What has been your biggest aha moment?

Well, when I realized that as geeky as I was, there were people a whole lot geekier than me and that I was ambitious. I wanted to do really well. And in technology firms, you can go up the technical ladder. And so they've got kind of junior fellow, senior fellow, all the way up to the top of that technical ladder. And then I could go up the management chain. And it was clear that I was never going to make it to the top of the technical ladder. And I thought, oh darn it, I'm going to have to learn some people skills. So I did, and I am living proof that when you set your mind on something, you can achieve it.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, and you know, let me ask you this: when, when it comes to learning people skills, that in itself must open up a whole different view and perception and microscope about really how are we successful in relationships and communication, let alone in business, simply because really understanding how to engage, how to read, and how to communicate is such an integral part of everything that we do, though many of us don't realize it and even work on it. Would you agree?

Oh, definitely. I do. And I had to explicitly work on it. I had a bunch of internal, really unhelpful opinions and meanings and views that I, you know, had to clean up along the way. And, you know, every time I did, life got better. So, you know, it was a challenge to find the gold on the other side of those old wounds and hurts, but so worth it.

So can you share with us what you might have struggled with that made you want more? I mean, are there specifics behind that? Maybe our listeners can also relate to?

Yeah, specifically, you know, I was not— I was incapable of influencing people. And, you know, the— in the realm of power and status, you know, I was like at the— on row zero, maybe one or a half on a good day. And, you know, I couldn't influence people because really, you know, from that analytical part of the brain, our influencing power is is tiny, very tiny. And the part of the brain that— and the part of how we're being that lets us show up as somebody who is to be taken seriously, somebody who is courageous and has that sense of personal presence and power. You know, I had none of that. And I thought, well, you know what, I don't think anybody else on planet Earth was born with that stuff out of the chute. I bet I can learn some of it. And I'm— and so And so that's what I teach folks, particularly women, because in addition to being, you know, wherever you are on that continuum, there's always more to learn, and B, for women, there are these social stories that are very common about women that don't include the breadth of intellect, capability, and experience that so many women across the globe have. And you would never be able to guess by looking because these social stories are teacher, wife, mother, model, actress, all those kinds of things. We don't have the breadth of social consciousness around women's capability that we have for male capability.

Right, right. And do you find though that, because you predominantly work with women from what everything I see, do you find that, you know, as much as it is societal, it's also that individual? Some, you know, I get people who say to me, some women who will even say to me, I'm comfortable where I am. You know, I'm not looking to be influential. I'm not looking to be powerful. I'm not looking to, you know, do whatever. And how do you, if they're like that, what do you do and what did you do maybe personally to kind of shift yourself out of that in order to make those changes you want?

You know, I stumbled into it. So I'll give you an example. From when my little brothers and I were running around the woods. This is my earliest example. They would, they would like find a bug or a frog or something and like stick it in my face and expect me to go, ah, which I did not do. So that was my earliest example. I would, I would like grab ahold of it and say, I like this one, go bring me some more.

Right, right. I'm not—

So, it depends on the situation.

Right, right.

Yeah, when I was in undergraduate—

Hmm?

No, go ahead.

When I was in undergraduate school, you know, there was a room down at the end of a long hallway and the windows looked out over the mall where, you know, students were walking back and forth as classes would change. And it had been populated almost exclusively by some of the male graduate students and undergraduates. And when I was in undergraduate school there, Sherry and I— Sherry Dowdy and I— were the only two women in the physics department, and we needed a place to study too. And what those guys did there wasn't study hall. They rated the women who walked in the mall 1 to 10 every day. That's what they did during that thing. And, and so I said, Sherry, Two genders can play this game. So, right, started rating the guys, and within a month those guys had found another place. Because, you know, men, men do not in general pay attention to their appearance and at the same level of niceness that women do, right?

Right.

And so it was rare to get a guy who got over a 5. Couldn't take the pressure. Couldn't take the pressure. They left.

So, yeah, no, what, what were some of the things specifically that you did that probably now you're incorporating in your own business in order to, you know, you said that you went on to, you know, kind of learn what, you know, what, what it would take to be influential. What did that, what does that mean? What did that, what does that look like?

So influence is, if you can accomplish something that you want to accomplish with other people and you did not have to have a physical fight to do it, you showed some influence there. That's the difference between influence and raw power. So influence is power expressed in a way that gets people to say, "I want." to do this with you. So if you're like sitting down at the table, you're doing this. So A, I practiced. B, I read a bunch of books about people who were, you know, from unlikely places and who did well. Like I'm speaking to you here from Texas, near Dallas, and, you know, we have two just legendary women politicians here, Barbara Jordan the first African American congresswoman from Texas. And then Ann Richards, the first— Right.

Sure.

Not the first governor, woman governor of Texas, but certainly the most recent one. And they were just, they came from really unlikely situations and difficult situations and did amazing stuff. So, I started by reading their biographies.

Okay, interesting.

And then I thought, well, how do I— how do I get to be that person? Right. Because, you know, I'm— that was really the thing. And so I stumbled into some personal growth and development, and, and every time I took, you know, a class from an expert that I had met, you know, I vetted them and such as that. I didn't want to be you know, I wanted to make sure that I was satisfied, you know, on the other side of doing that work, and, and that they were, you know, a person that had a good practice. And every time, I just got to be such a better human. And the fear that I had had inside, just, you know, I made peace. I found the gift on the other side of that fear. And fear holds a true gift for each of us on the other side of it.

If we're willing to push through that fear, right?

Yeah, yeah. To rest into— I, I call it resting into it, uh, to hear from it, to hear from that fear. And what did that, that part of us that's kind of like the, the scared kid still— what's this little girl really need? She needs safety sometimes. She needs to know that she's valued sometimes, and to use that as an opportunity to clean up those old, old wounds and old meanings that we made when we were tiny, tiny little kids.

Right, right, right. And when— as you were changing, and this is what I just find fascinating when it comes to personal growth and transformation, is, as you were changing, how did that change how others were viewing you, and how did they respond to that, to that new, that new Dorothy, for instance?

Oh gosh, well, well, people love it when anybody shows up, uh, as a badass. So, uh, you are a real badass story here. I mean, people, people love that because they can see possibility for themselves in that. So I'm in undergraduate school. I think I was in my sophomore year. I was working at the Denny's on the highway. Now, you know, it was just a job. And one Saturday morning, I've got this table of young, you know, men. They were probably in their upper 20s. They look like salesmen. They were there for a sales meeting, and they were just getting their breakfast before they went. So one of them was the bad boy in the bunch. He was, you know, as they were trying to decide what they wanted to order— pardon me— he was saying things that were a little untoward to me. I'm sorry, I'm getting a little sip of water here. Anyway, so I could tell that the other guys were not okay with that, but, you know, they didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. I just Thought, well, you know, that's probably all it is, yadda da. So I come back with their orders a minute later, and I'm about to serve him first, and I've got the plate just about to sit down in front of them, and he says something that intimates that some of my body parts needed to be on that plate. I am looking— I'm just stopped midair looking at him eyeball to eyeball. You know, I got my warrior face on, right? And You know, I just take a moment because I had to go to the well. I had to go deep inside to find what's the response here. And this is, you know, my 13-second change your life tip. It takes about, you know, 9 to 13 seconds to go down deep inside, ask yourself a couple of questions. Ask yourself, you know, I cannot disrespect my customers. And I cannot show up as weak in this situation, right? And, and just wait for whatever comes up. Well, here's what came up: how'd you like to eat this plate and all? How'd you like to eat this plate and all? And I had that plate right in front of his face. I had no intention of shoving it down his throat, but you know You know, that was the intonation. And all the other guys just busted out laughing. They were like amazed that that was the comeback. And so I set his plate down and served them their food. And I figured that I wouldn't get a tip out of that table, right?

Right.

Well, I didn't from, you know, Jerk Boy there. Every other man— and this was back when, when a dollar tip was a really good tip for breakfast.

Right, right.

Every one of those other guys left me $5 bills, every one of them.

So your definition of badass looks like what? Because I want to make sure we get that clear as to what you're, you know, how you view a badass woman.

Yeah, so we get in these social situations a lot, and, and just think of all your listeners, they're probably thinking back over their lives, you know, those moments where we come away from it and we're saying to ourselves, "I should have said blah-da-da," or, "Why didn't I think of this or that?" You know, well, in those moments, those are the tough moments of life where you can really build your status with other people and command respect in the moment. And that's the 13-second rule. You know, it takes some time to go down and, you know, to rest into that, that deeper wisdom that you've got and pull up that power, right? And, and when people learn how to do that, you know, that's a big part of what I teach. You know, it's, it's amazing. And then, you know, there's some, there's plenty of other things that go along with it, but that one thing is gold, right?

Well, and going down deep, you know, because I think this subject and this example too, and the definition of a badass, you know, obviously comes around confidence and feelings of value and worth. And those of us who struggle or would kind of succumb to that type of intimidation and bullying that that gentleman displayed to you, that is a question of one's self-worth as to whether or not they, they feel worthy enough to stand up to that guy and, and, you know, be true to themselves, or to kind of, you know, kind of go into their own shell and just simply deal with it and walk away. Would you agree with that? Is that a fair assessment?

Definitely, definitely. You know, we so often are just frozen in the moment by fear. And, and so when, when you're at choice, when you know that you've got that, that fear gives you, you know, two options. One is run and hide, you know, be small, don't, don't, you know, get yourself in any more trouble than this situation seems like it's going to be in. Or B, be a badass, you know, be a badass.

Yep, yep.

And the two rules are: don't disrespect, you know, your, your real clients, or, you know, the, the people who are important there, and, and don't look weak.

Don't disrespect and don't look weak. Yeah, awesome. Two rules. Make note, everyone. Two rules: don't disrespect and don't look weak. We're going to take a quick break. We have a lot more to talk about, but we're going to take a quick break. But before we do, I also want to mention to you, please go to DorothyKuhn.com and you'll learn all about her. You can even Facebook with her. Her Facebook page is The Successibles. I love that, The Successibles. And her Twitter handle is @SuccessableShe, @SuccessableShe. But like many of our guests, most of our guests, she's a powerhouse. So all you have to do is actually Google Dorothy Kuhn and you're going to find her. The last thing I want to also mention is she's got a great and lovely gift for you. So if you would go to DorothyKuhn.com/gift, she has a training training program, 9 Ways to Respond to Harassment and Bullying, and a number of other things. It's a PDF, it's a series of emails, it's powerful training for you to kind of consider what's the number one thing any businesswoman must know about having a career she loves while still having a life and keeping her integrity, and where people can get more. So take a look at that at DorothyKuhn.com/gift. We'll take a quick break. We'll come back and we'll continue this conversation about going from bitch to badass. We'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to ngtaxsolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday noon Eastern Time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/shuttingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone, we are talking with powerhouse Dorothy Kuhn who's really helping us Understand How to De-Stress and also How to Go from Bitch to Badass. So we're talking, and when we went on break, we were talking about just what it takes for an individual like yourself maybe to really kind of go inward and consider what you need to do. And Dorothy has two rules: to respect others and also to not be week. So Dorothy, we were talking about kind of, you know, how other people started viewing you and seeing you as you're changing and as you're growing and evolving and becoming more of a badass. How about your bosses or your family or friends? Did they notice and what did they do or say or how did they respond to that? Because I find that many women also question changing because it also changes how other people relate to them and engage with them?

Well, that is a great question because we tend to want to fit in our, in the culture that we currently have, and nobody likes to be othered and pushed aside. And so the safety that comes from that desire sometimes is kind of a— can be kind of a sucker punch. Here's how to make it work for your listeners, and I'm just thrilled to share this. So when you show up as a powerful force for good, and you express that good, you know, when you've chosen to respect the people, you know, in your room— you ask about what did my boss think about that? My boss loved it. Do you want a story to illustrate that?

Yes, I would love it.

Okay, great, great, great. And so then we'll get to the family piece with yet another short story. So I'm presenting on some technology stuff. I was working for Texas Instruments at the time, and we were doing some military systems again, and we were doing some algorithm development that was going to upgrade some radars. So the bird colonel who's sitting with his phalanx of lieutenant colonels around him at our conference room who had come for a quarterly review was sitting back there, kind of kicked back, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm up there, I've started presenting and yadda da. And radar has, you know, it's got a whole variety of things, but the range to target is really important there. And I'm a couple minutes into my pitch and he says, you know, we don't believe the range. Right. And so I just, I just looked at him, you know, you got it. That's a 13-second rule again. You got to go deep to the well because I knew I couldn't— he was our customer. I could not disrespect him, and I could not look weak in front of my colleagues. And so, you know, I looked down, I took a deep breath. Bernadette, I took another deep breath, and you know what came up? From that deep well of wisdom that every woman listening has within her, is that I just needed to go on with my presentation. So I turned around and said, "I've got range in my data," and went on with my presentation without missing a beat. Nothing. And he was well-behaved for the rest of the meeting. Now, here's the secret in this. Men, are well-practiced at challenging one another because they want to know what one another is made of. They want to know, "Can I count on you when, you know, the going gets tough?" And so they'll challenge one another. And when you get a challenge like that, you don't know if it's just a challenge to see what you're made out of, which is an honorable thing. A man will not challenge you if he has already assessed you too weak to respond.

Right, right, right, right, right.

And so to be challenged is an honor, is an honor. Take it as an honor. And then, then of course men will challenge you for nefarious means, like the guy at the Denny's, right? And then you've got it, you know, it's a similar approach that takes care, that helps you take care of that. And there are all kinds of variations that are situational. So, having that situational awareness to know specifically what to bring to the situation so that you can thrive and be respected on the other side. Because when we were walking out of that meeting, the customer, the bird colonel, had left with, you know, all of his lieutenants some time before. We had done our postmortem to see, you know, what it was that we needed to do for next steps and such as that. We're all walking out of the conference room, and my colleagues are like slapping me on the back, "Coon!" 'That guy has been a jerk for us forever,' and you owned it. Awesome.

Nice, nice.

Folks love it when you're a badass, right?

Well, there's one thing that you had said, and I want to go back and ask you about it. You, you had said that it's important that each and every one of us are a powerful force of good.

Yeah.

What, you know, how can that be not interpreted? How can someone be a powerful force of good? Because so many people get it in their head that it has to be these grand gestures, yet it could be, you know, things that are very simple. So what do you coach and how do you support your clients in really understanding how to be a powerful force of good?

So, so being a powerful force of good starts with this: knowing the outcome you want for the situation that, that you're going into next. And most of us— I mean, I was, I was so guilty of this, Bernadette, for the first, you know, a couple of decades of my life. I just did my stuff and floated through life and, you know, got a good education and, you know, hung out with my friends. Normal kind of life. But when you're in business, you need to be clear on what the objective of the business is, what the objective of your department is, what the objective of your team or your project is. So, and align yourself with that, presuming it's a good thing. Now, if you're, you know, looking to sell rat poison to children, get another job. Yeah.

Right, right.

There's no good to be had there. But presuming that it's a good thing that you're working toward here, then you need to be clear not just about how to achieve that for the group, but what your objective personally and professionally is for being a part of that organization? What's your through line? Where do you want to— where do you want this piece of your career to help you get to next?

And right, and once someone knows that, then, you know, servicing or, or delivering on this powerful force of good— is, is that mentoring others? Is that you know, just always wanting to, you know, respect and treat others kindly. What would that be for our listeners as far as some one or two things they can consider being a powerful force of good?

So that's where the influence thing comes in. You know, if you know what— if you can align with the objective of your project or your team, whatever it is that you all are delivering to the company that you're working in, then we're going to presume that that's a good thing. And then you want to be able to collaborate and lead other people in a way that really lets them know that A, you've got their interests at heart, and B, you're really getting the work done. And so here's a hot tip that people can use today to be able to do that. When you're working with other people, typically, you've got something that you've worked on, and you're going to pass it off to somebody else, and they're going to do their magic that's kind of complementary to the magic that you do in your workplace. Sound familiar?

Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. And so, you know, typically, you know what they want. But, you know, if it's the run-of-the-mill thing, you don't need to do this. But if it's something a bit out of pattern, you know, do the human thing. You know, send them over what you think they need. And you'll check in, "Hey, I think I've given you everything you need for this next step. Would you take a peek at it and tell me if there's anything else you need?" Nice. Nice. And you can see what a leadership move this is. You know, you're honoring other people. You're making sure that they've got what they need, 'cause if they've got what they need to perform and they've got it open, they're likely to do it right away. Who does that make look good? Them and you.

Yep, that's very true, very true. So if someone's questioning, you know, some of the terms that we've been talking about, or some of the, some of the attributes, characteristics, qualities, traits of influence, of leadership, of a powerful force of good, what question did you ask yourself as you were trying to find your own kind of core place of influence in order for you to transform into that individual you are today?

I asked myself, who are the people in my life who are influential? And, uh, there were not very many of those in my personal life. And, uh, and what books can I read? What mentors can I find, uh, so that I can understand what that world is like. Because if you haven't experienced, you know, being around people who are influential and powerful for good, then it's easy to be afraid of stepping into your own personal power. Because people who think of themselves as good don't want to be co-opted and ruined by power, right?

Right.

And so to be able to step past that fear of power by having models from other people and mentors who can really guide you on how to set honorable goals that achieve, A, good things, and B, honor people along the way. That's really the essence of influence and status.

Yeah, that's sweet. I, um, I've been trying to think of who it was. I, I was very impressed. I was watching, I was watching, uh, Kelly and Ryan, uh, earlier. It was either yesterday or last week, and they had a young up-and-coming actor on, and he's, he's well known to being that one of the nicest, most giving people in Hollywood, so to speak. So they asked him, they said, you know, where did that come from? Like, you know, what made you in an industry that's so kind of competitive and nasty, what made you, you know, kind of focus on kindness in your people and the people around you? And he said, well, and it's very much what you're saying, he said, well, I asked myself when I was like 12 or 13, what type of, you know, man do I want to be, let alone an actor and a director? And he said, so I went looking, you know, to kind of— for those people that emulated the type of person I wanted to be. And he found Will Smith. And he says, you know, I've been on set with Will when I was 13 or 14, and I just was always so impressed with how he treated other people and how much influence and what kind of leader he was. I thought that that was very interesting, and I think it's a great tip you're providing very simplistically for individuals because we all have an opportunity to kind of look around us, whether it's in our immediate circle or beyond, to see what kind of people are in our life that we want to emulate. Now, through your journey, though, and through the fact that you were learning and growing and you were asking yourself a lot of questions in order to realize the shift in the transformation that you had. Did you experience setbacks, and if so, what were they and how did you overcome them?

Oh gosh, yes. I remember when my second baby was born, I was, you know, I came back to work. I was working in a technology company and I came back to work and I had been while I was out on maternity leave, I had been moved to some other organization, you know, without, you know, any regard or even asking me what it was that I, that I wanted to do. Yeah, it was a lateral kind of slightly down kind of move, and I've been performing well, and I was kind of surprised. And my— the secretary in the group that I had been in came over to me and said to me, Dorothy, I have seen men come back from longer medical leaves than you were on for maternity, having a heart attack, being older and unhealthier than you are, and get a promotion after it. I don't know why they sidelined you like this. I'm just saying. And so, you know, and that— so I just had to, you know, I really thanked her for that insight. You know, she was admin for a big group. She'd seen a lot of stuff. And she didn't have to tell me that, but she was really kind and gracious to, you know, let me in on that piece of wisdom. So, so I had to, you know, I assessed the company that I was with. You know, it was a big company, it was really pretty top-heavy, and moving up was, was hard in those days. And there was an industry that I was— that was really hot at the time, telecom. Here in the Dallas market that I was really interested in, and I knew that I could have a more direct path up the ladder in telecom, so I switched industries. You know, sometimes you've got to weigh what's the effort to get the result that you want, and finding a path that's less effort and gets you more results That's gold.

Yeah, yeah. So you actually changed industries?

I did. Wow.

I did.

Yeah. And that's kind of what— so what your, your suggestion is, consider all the different ways that you can, you know, achieve what it is that you want and have the type of lifestyle and type of environment and culture that you're looking for, but be willing to make big jumps. That's a big jump.

Yes, it is. But, you know, I tell my clients all the time, and they get to learn this like step by step, how to incorporate developing options. There are always more options out there than you can notice, but if you can develop 3 solid options and, you know, the pros and cons for each of those options, oh wow, does it open up your world. And it gets us out of fear because we'll we'll be in fear and anger about being, you know, sidelined or treated in a way that we shouldn't have been treated. And, you know, that does happen in life no matter who you are. But, but when you can step into the abundance of options and come up with at least 3 and kind of flesh each of them out, well, then you can step— you can, you can have that moment of fear and loathing, but honey, don't stay stay there, right?

Well, and, well, and I think everybody— I think every one of your stories points to the fact that, um, it's— yes, things are going to happen to you, and things are going to, you know, you know, men are going to bitch at you and bully you and try to intimidate you, um, and other women can do the same thing, mind you, but it's all how you respond, right? It's about all— it's about the response and what you do about it.

Mm-hmm, it is, it is, because you, you're a choice. And when you, when you don't feel like you've got a choice in the situation, then that's a golden moment. And, and that's really the place where I almost always start with, with my clients, because, because they've got something that, you know, they felt trapped in. And there are always more options. And opening yourself up to the greater possibility is— it's just amazing how freeing that is, how it gives you courage, how confidence comes right in with this, and a big smile on your face. Like, I don't have to care about this, I've got other options, right?

What do you have to do with your clients to— even for them to, you know, they're sharing, you know, their, their complaints, their struggles, their, their challenges, and and even in such a way that where you're getting a good understanding of how they are responding. But there's a degree of accountability, I would think. And how do you get your clients to look in that harsh mirror and be true to themselves and honest, no matter how difficult it is, in order for you to be able to get them to that point of now taking control?

Yeah, yeah. Great question. So really, in that moment, you know, sometimes we just have to like empty our basket of that stuff that we thought was so awful and unfair or mean or whatever we were thinking. And when that's the case, it's time for me just to listen, to be that sacred witness to someone else's heartfelt pain. That's, that's a critical piece. And when people feel heard, then they are at a place often where they can start to consider that next piece of possibility. And, and so it's, you know, listening closely and asking the question that just comes up from, you know, that, that wisdom place within.

Love that. And you called it as your sacred— what was, what was that term you used?

Oh, you're acting as a sacred witness to their pain.

To their pain. I love that. And I love this. I love the imagery of emptying your basket, you know, of all those complaints and insecurities and those things that are just creating the stress for one person.

Love that.

Absolutely love that. All right, we have about a minute or so. What is— what would be your parting words, tips, piece of advice, tough love that you would give our listeners?

You know, there is more out there that is available to you, more wonderful and good things out there that are available to you, even in this year, which is a tough year for a lot of people in different ways. But there are more options out there for you than you probably have developed the capacity to notice. But the good news is you have that capacity. And being able to see more options puts you at peace. You know, you can breathe easier when you know you've got, you know, 2 or 3 really hot options.

Nice.

That's true. Amen to that. I love seeing that with people. I love it.

Love it, love it, love it. All right, so I want everyone to go to DorothyKuhn.com. First off, just do that and you'll see her smiley face, so you can actually put a face to the, to the voice and the information that you're receiving. I also want you to go to DorothyKuhn.com/gift and be sure to take advantage of her training on 9 ways to respond to harassment, mansplaining, bullying, You name it, it's up. You get a PDF and you get a series of emails, which is really just a training program that she's offering to all of you. So be sure to go to DorothyKuhn.com/gift. If by chance, though she's packed this conversation with a lot of tips and stories and advice you can relate to, if by chance you need to reach out to her and ask that question or finish, you know, getting a response to your your own rich tag or rich question that we asked at the beginning of the show. You can email her at Dorothy@DorothyKuhn.com. You can go to her Facebook or Twitter pages, and that's The Successables on Facebook, and it's @SuccessableShe on Twitter. And of course you can LinkedIn with her. But whatever you do, everyone, there is ways to really own who you are, destress, and go from badass— or I'm sorry, go from bitch to badass. Dorothy, I can't thank you enough for being part of the program. This has been awesome.

Awesome. I love being with you, Bernadette. You are awesome.

Oh, thank you very much, and I appreciate you taking the time to provide all these great tips and advice to our listeners. And everyone, please be back here next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. We'll be talking to Chris Stefanik about self-sabotage, and you're going to want to hear that. To everyone out there in our Shedding the Bits community, to all of those in North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, and to all those that we all love and hold dear to our hearts, have a beautiful, prosperous week, and I look forward to having you right back here next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Again, thank you, Dorothy.

My pleasure, and thank you, Bernadette.

You're welcome.

Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.