How to Attract an Emotionally Healthy Relationship with Riana Milne

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Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at BlogTalkRadio.com/SheddingtheBitch or or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back. 818-572-2910.

Good day, good day, good day everyone. Happy Tuesday. I'm very excited that you're here with us because we're going to have a fabulous conversation with our guest. And before we jump into that, but we are going to because we have a lot to talk about with her, um, I do want to just thank everybody. And I'm going to make this quick, I don't want to start crying again, like, but I want to thank all of you, thousands of you, um, that reached out to me, um, to give me well wishes regarding my pup Charlie, who was a— who's a regular, was a regular on the show. And passed last week. So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I was very humbled by that. So secondly, excuse me, I do have still that raspy sexy voice, so you're going to have to mind my little coughs every once in a while maybe. Next week we are going to be talking with Connie Fife, and ladies, this is going to be a great conversation. It's going to be all about Women Who Dare to Ignite. So it's all about courage, it's all about you stepping out, it's all about you kind of breaking through any fears, insecurities, negativities— what we call bitches here— in order for you to really kind of harness what it is that you deserve to achieve. So Women Who Dare to Ignite, Connie Fife, next Tuesday. So let's dive into this conversation because I love this subject. You know, it does help that I am single, um, but our guest, uh, we're going to be talking about how to attract an emotionally healthy relationship, why 9 out of 10 singles struggle to find and keep love. Now ladies, if you are in a relationship, if you're married, whatever the case might be, don't go anywhere. Our guest is full of great input, advice, and, um, maybe, I don't know, maybe tough love around any relationship and how to build relationships. But what we're going to look at, kind of how childhood dating and relationship traumas and unconscious emotional triggers impact our adult life and love relationships. And what are the 10 adverse childhood events that sabotage future love. And then lastly, what does the emotionally healthy, evolved, and conscious relationship look like? Trust me, I need to know that. No, actually, I, I, I've had great examples. I just haven't been in one. Um, so let's see. Um, let me introduce Rhianna Milne. She is a certified global life dating and relationship coach, a number one bestselling author, a life and dating coach for the new docuseries Radical Dating: Finding Lasting Love Over 40. She was also the host of her formal— former TV show Lessons in Life and Love. She's an educational speaker, licensed mental health counselor, and certified trauma and addictions professional. For over 18 years in Delray Beach, Florida, Florida is where she's been practicing. And Rihanna, I know that well. I spent about 14 years in Boca Raton. She specializes in those who have had— yeah, yeah, she specializes in those who've had past childhood dating or relationship traumas and offers— and we're going to talk about this— offers one-on-one VIP coaching and online virtual coaching programs for both singles and couples. At her— go to her website lifeandlovetrainingacademy.com. But I also want you to make note of rhiannamilne.com, and that's Rhianna Milne, M-I-L-N-E, dot com. Welcome to the program, Rhianna.

Thank you, Bernadette. Thank you for having me. I know we've been wanting to do this together for quite a while, and I'm sorry, I came down with a bad case of food poisoning and I had to opt out and get to the doctor. But I'm glad I'm here now, so I totally appreciate you making accommodations to bring me back on.

Absolutely, absolutely. I— our community loves this conversation because they're thriving for it all the time, whether, like you talk about, whether that they are single or in a relationship, they're always looking to, you know, make their relationships healthy and strong.

Yeah.

So do me, do me a favor, before we get— dive really deep into it, tell us a little bit more about your work as a life, love, and relationship coach, and really, how did you come into it?

Okay, well, yes, I've been doing psychotherapy for 18 years, starting in the Atlantic City area, a town called Egg Harbor Township. My company is Therapy by the Sea, and I just moved to Florida for the lifestyle. It's paradise most all year round, you know, being that you were in Boca. So, but I changed the model from psychology and the typical therapist to— when going to RCI Relationship Coaching Institute in 2009 and 10 for 2 and a half years and became a life dating relationship coach for singles and couples. And they were created out of my own search for emotionally healthy evolved love. And I sought out the extra information and my own research that was not taught in my master's psychology program. I have a triple master's in applied clinical counseling psychology. But they really never went into how to improve the quality of your love relationships. And why do so many get in trouble? Like close to 60% of our marriages are falling apart in the US. And really, I went through someone that had severe childhood trauma, and I started to put the bridges together. And there really was no research on this until 2014, and to kind of back up what I had already found and discovered. And I saw that so many of my clients, both singles and couples, were struggling due to the results and the impact of childhood trauma. So that's what led me down that road, and I just wanted to learn as much as I could about it and get the word out so people understand what's going on in relationships. Nice. Well, yeah, I have people from 71 to, um, 21 to 78 is my oldest client. So men and women, straight, LGBT, you know, the common element is there was some childhood trauma, right?

Well, can you define first, not the types, but when I hear the word trauma, I'm thinking something very devastating.— and yet I don't— you know, the few things that I have from my past aren't what I would call devastating, they just impacted my view on relationships. So how do you define trauma?

Okay, well trauma is a recurring event or a one-time event that really shakes somebody up. It could lead to post-traumatic stress disorder, which, you know, really was only defined for our soldiers back when I was in school, and that's when we heard PTSD. But there's dating trauma, relationship trauma for people trying to start over. They're traumatized by a toxic partner, and they just need to, you know, get beyond that fear-based thinking, feeling, being, you know, and try to reach out and fall in love again.

So absolutely.

And what is—

absolutely.

Yeah. What's—

no, no, go ahead.

Oh, I just wanted to say there's, you know, adults bring unconsciously into their relationships something that's called childhood triggers, and that's from an emotional experience physical trauma or an event. And again, the research from Kaiser Permanente calls it ACEs, Adverse Childhood Events, ACE. And that occurred when they were young, and then they developed faulty coping mechanisms around it that they used as a survival as a child. And then as an adult, when they come out there, they're just so destructive, behavioral problems or habits, and they truly sabotage the behavior and put a couple at risk or really strain new and dating relationships, lowering their chance for to have lifelong love. Right.

And, and you could also be talking about kind of how it, how it projects. It could be just subtle things like they just don't know how to get close to someone, as opposed to something that could be physically or physiologically, you know, traumatic for them, right?

Yes. What I can do is I can go through what the 10 traumas are, and I suggest your listeners write them down. Oh, so then afterwards, once I name them, I can say this behavior goes back to number 7 or number 3, you know, and this is when this comes out, or you're struggling in relationship, if someone's yelling at you, why are they doing that? And that results back to this one. So it kind of makes more sense. Okay, perfect. Go ahead. All right, so definitely everyone get a pen and paper, um, put 3 long columns on your page. First one would say me when I'm going through this, and you want to look really honest at yourself. Second will be a partner if you're with a partner at this time, or maybe a previous relationship that you think turned toxic. And then the third would be your parents, because it is proven through research that childhood trauma goes through the generations. So if you find you've had trauma, most likely mom or dad, and most of the time both, have had trauma themselves, because people of trauma attract people of trauma. It's very interesting that they do. But so that's what we're going into. So the first, okay, 10 is— remember, when you're very young and innocent, you know, these are things that happen to you. Trauma happened to you. It's not that you caused it, so don't feel ashamed or guilty. This is something that is affecting 90% of our population. 88 or 89.8% of people have at least one ACE. Very often they'll have, you know, from 3 to 6 and even more. So the first one is if your parent had any kind of addiction. Now most people think of drug and alcohol for addiction, but there's also sex, being that you had a parent cheating, porn, hoarding, eating, spending, gambling, TV watching, gaming, anything that is repetitive obsessive behavior that kind of takes precedence over time with you. Second would be verbal abuse. So that's either if you witnessed it or was a recipient of it. So you could have a parent yelling and screaming at each other, at you. Another form of verbal abuse is just shutting down and not talking to you for several hours or a couple of days. Also could be verbal put-downs, saying you're not good enough, or geez, you won't amount to anything, and what's the matter with you, you know, constantly chipping away at your self-esteem. So those are some elements of verbal abuse. Third one is emotional abuse or neglect. We pretty all much know what that is, but also in the research they show even the children that had to let themselves in from school without mom or dad there, there's anxiety around that. It's scary to go into an empty house when you're 7 to 10 or 12 years old and nobody is there for you. So that creates ongoing anxiety. Most of my people that come to me with childhood trauma have ongoing anxiety, so that's a good sign of it. And then usually bouts of depression, some have ongoing depression. Okay, number 4 is physical abuse, like beatings when you're bad, or rape or molestation. Now number 4 is always a level 10 trauma. So what that means is once I get to speak with someone and I go deeper to find out what the traumas are, I give them a label of 1 to 10 for me to define, you know, what degree of work we need to do around that trauma. If it's a level 10, that will require usually more time than something that's a level 1 or 2. So 10 means most severe. The next one, number 5, is abandonment, and there's two types. Fault and no-fault abandonment. So a no-fault abandonment is if a parent may die early, leaving a child feeling abandoned, but it's not the parent's fault. Certainly if a parent travels a lot for work, but that's the way they support the family, or if a parent, you know, goes into the military and serves our country, they're still gone from the family. A fault abandonment is an example if your family, your parents divorce Dad leaves the home, promises to see you every other weekend and doesn't, or is late, constantly lets you down, even letting you down with promises. So that's a form of abandonment, which leads to a lack of trust. So if you're a little girl and you're trying to count on your dad and he just keeps letting you down, you don't trust them. Unconsciously, you don't trust men. So there's a lot that goes into that unconscious. Brain and body is where trauma is stored, and that's what we have to make the unconscious conscious. And start working with the trauma piece. Okay, next would be if you're part of adoption, foster care, or had to go live or chose to live with another family, meaning your parents couldn't take care of you or you were uncomfortable and didn't feel safe in your home, so you kind of hung out at a friend's house all the time, adopting their family because it just felt safer there. Next is a big one, number 7, is personal trauma where you might have been bullied at school, not picked for the sport teams, maybe an overweight child, underweight child, and felt, you know, not attractive. You didn't feel like you fit in with a cool group. There could be a lot of things under personal trauma. Experiencing a medical condition when you were young, those types of things. Number 8 is sibling trauma. Same thing, if your sibling had a medical condition and commanded the attention of your parents, kind of leaving you off to the side. If your sibling bullied you, or if this is most common, your sibling was perceived by you as the golden child, meaning mom or dad liked him or her better due to either looks— that's popular for a girl— intelligence levels, or athletic abilities. So they seem to get mom's time and attention or dad's time and attention more. The next one is becoming more and more prevalent. This is called family trauma. And from the second part of the list, this is actually about 18 of these, I pulled this one up and joined it with family third trauma, which is community trauma. And there is a lot under community trauma— the loss of our homes by flood, fire, mortgage crises, people are displaced. I mean, it's hard enough on an adult. Can you imagine a little person going through this kind of trauma? It's a lot. And family trauma examples coming up in poverty, moving a lot every 4 years like the military families, having a parent incarcerated. There's others, there's many others, but that's just a few examples. And then the last one is if mom or dad had a mental health issue with the most severe bipolar, meaning manic-depressive, really happy highs and really low, angry lows, or just checking out, you know, with depression and sleeping a lot. And then the other one that's most difficult is borderline personality. I best describe that as fast-trigger anger. You never know what you're going to get when you're walking in the door. They're going to be good today, they're not going to be good today. So all these 10 kids develop coping mechanisms to try to survive the parent that is putting the household and them through this kind of behavior. So that's why it becomes kind of a way of life.

Mm-hmm.

Right. Where does— with everything that, for instance, the, the recent Parkland shooting and Columbine and Sandy Hook where, which, where does that fall in? Is that going to be more the emotional, personal?

It's definitely, uh, it's definitely community trauma. Yeah, I went out to Las Vegas after their mass shooting. Is— yeah, community trauma. And of course, if a family member is lost, that is a huge trauma, personal trauma. You know, losing a good friend is a personal trauma. So that hits several of the areas. And these mass shootings, so unfortunately, are becoming You know, more and more occurring. It's horrible. So, you know, this is why the trauma levels are going up in our community and not going down, because kids are under more and more stress as our generations go forward.

Right. And, and is community also— that's the element of the social media and the comp— you know, all the hate and the, and the divisiveness and the judgment that goes on That would probably be towards personal.

That would be more personal trauma if someone was, you know, doing online slurs about you and embarrassing you, saying false truths. That would be a form of bullying.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

All right.

And I worked in the schools for many years, Bernadette, so what I had found was so many kids were misdiagnosed— ADHD, oppositional defiant, BD, behavior discipline. These were the kids I had as a SAC counselor. SAC stands for student assistant assistance counselor, which is basically a counselor that handles traumatic events and bullying, drug and alcohol education. And these kids came from very toxic homes. There's a lot of fighting between mom and dad, they're not sleeping, they come to school upset. And when you're upset, cortisol levels are up, memory is down. So they really have a hard time learning and focusing because their worlds are falling apart. And that's how I would say half of the mislabeled kids And, you know, the sad thing is the SACs are the first to go as soon as there's a budget cut. I'm like, they should be the first hired to keep a school district safe and working with these troubled kids. You know, they can say mental health all day long, but honestly, like, they need something right there in the school. And that's the kids I worked with. And the bullying rate in Vineland, New Jersey, where I was in my school, went way down within a couple of months of some activities that I put in place for the kids that were, you know, troubled. Wow. And they became like little heroes. There was talent show and, you know, all kinds of things that they wanted to be a part of, you know. Right. Oh, it's a shame they cut these programs.

Yeah, it's very much a shame. And you would hope that with everything that is going on with these shootings and whatnot, you know, mental health, just along with the gun control that they're going to start screaming about and marching in Washington, that we get more and more attention on the stability and the mental health of our citizens. But let me just do a shout-out because I normally, and I overlooked it, I normally give them a rich question, our listeners, a rich question to think about. And I want all of you who are listening, whether it's live or in a recording, I really want you to dig deep. I really, this is a hard subject. People don't want to go into their, you know, into their skeletons or dirty laundry or whatever you might call it. But it's really important that if you want to free yourself, um, you know, and I've had to do this for myself, um, you know, when it comes to relationships, uh, you— I just want you to— this is your rich question— I just want you to really, really be honest. Look back based on the 10, 10 things Rihanna just mentioned to us, um, look back and Kind of really identify those aspects of events in your life, especially in your childhood, that could be impacting the quality and the health of your relationships today, whether it's with a lover or a friend or another family member or your peers. And really be honest with yourself. It's just you doing it, although you could reach out to Rihanna when you recognize that there is something that you need help help on. But, you know, take those 10 things down. And, you know, and I'm happy to say that I kind of was able to cross off a whole lot of them when it came to my relationship challenges, uh, when it came to my parents. But yet there is the personal, there's the physical, um, that I would definitely have to be very, um, honest with myself. So do that if you would, everyone. Um, and also at the same time, I want to just mention a couple of things for Rihanna is, uh, one, she has a free ebook, and I'm going to mention this multiple times in our conversations, but she has a free ebook that you can, um, that you can download. It's, it's Have the Love You Deserve, and you can— and it's— she makes it really easy. Just go to the website havetheloveyoudeserve.com and you can download that. Not only that, but she is a very high quality, high value coach. So please, she has a free life and love transformation strategy session that you can also leverage with, with her if you mention that you, you know, heard this on the Shedding the Bitch radio program. And just go to rhiannamilne.com, and it's a $500 value, guys. So, you know, I talk a lot about, you know, seeking help and getting coaches and, and getting the people in your life that that will really help you kind of accelerate and create those riches you deserve. So she offers a free life and love transformation strategy session, a $500 value. Again, go to rhiannamilne.com, mention our program, and sign up for that, okay? So, and Facebook, just also follow her on Facebook. I'm sure she shares a lot of things, tools and resources and advice that you can leverage. And her Facebook page is Coach Rhianna Milne.

Excuse me.

All right, so Rihanna, I want to continue on. You've identified the 10 traumas.

Yes.

Now you put— you had us put 3 columns: me, relationships, and parents. So how do I leverage those 3 columns when looking at these 10 traumas?

Well, at first it's important. It's good for forgiveness work with your mom and dad. Another thing to realize, if you had a tough childhood, well, maybe they did too, and they didn't learn any better. Unfortunately, nobody's teaching parents how to parent well. I do a seminar on that as well. But, you know, they did the best they could, but they might have been modeled a lot of traumatic behaviors as well. Second, when you're out there dating, you may see— my clients know the exact questions to ask to people to see if you see any of the problematic behavior. But for example, if there's somebody constantly constantly lying to you, okay, and they're manipulating you and charming in the beginning, but you find that there's a lot of lies later. Where does that come from? So here's an example: a little boy gets an F on a test. He knows he's going to be severely beat if he brings that home to be signed, so he changes it to an A. He gets it signed, and he's like, "Wow, lying works," okay? That's the unconscious feeling, and that just becomes habitual every day. Activities. You just go through lying because it's just a way of life. Or the man, right, charming and a manipulator— he may not have gotten love at home, especially from the female parent— goes and starts charming his teacher or becomes a class clown. So they're either using humor to have love or they're being the teacher's pet. And they say, wow, charming— being charming works. So they use it to get the women they want as an adult. So these are things, again, there's the example of learning that. Now, a partner that's controlling, that's usually a partner that doesn't feel good enough. They might have been put down a lot when they were a kid, or they lack control over their own life. People that can't stay focused or always anxious usually are coming from high trauma, and that's what I do with my clients. I help them calm the brain and the body, the traumatic response. The emotional triggers. And if they're in a coupled relationship, we get them talking about their feelings around the behavior, and they start understanding why they do what they do. Because you can't change what you don't understand. So it all begins—

exactly—

in what you're doing. Yeah. And that's why being honest with this little quiz can help me help you better. Mm-hmm.

Absolutely. So love that, love that.

Yeah. And there's another one women do a lot, so I'll mention this one: people pleasing. They can't say no, they overdo for others. Usually they end end up feeling angry and resentful. That is often used to raise self-esteem or perceived value of yourself in the relationship. This could have been a little girl that, let's say, had the alcoholic mom who was always either crashed out from drinking too much or angry and yelling because she wasn't feeling good. And they end up like taking care of the kids or cleaning the house so mom's not mad. So they learn people-pleasing as a real survival school tool so they're not getting yelled at.— or hearing the anger of mom or dad, right? So those are just a few of the dynamics. There's like 30, 40 of them that come out, right? But it's a different puzzle when they call me, you know, reach out for a strategy session. But it really helps in one hour to really understand why you do what you do and then why you attracting toxic partners in the past. Because the old term was ACOA, or adult child of an alcoholic. And then after many years they said, or other traumas. They didn't really go into all the other traumas. So this is, you know, cutting it down into the exact results of what happens from certain named traumas. So, sure, interesting.

Okay, so yeah, so, you know, someone's going along life and, and they're not really either aware or they don't understand, or maybe it's not impacting the relationship at the time, and they think they're in this wonderful, stable, healthy relationship relationship, and then all of a sudden that, you know, that exclusive, or what, even if it's not exclusive, but that relationship goes sour. Um, right. You know, why are there— why does that happen? How does that happen? What does that individual contribute, uh, into that relationship based on their traumas? Um, and, you know, sure, what, you know, what do they do?

Okay, so research shows, and this is so fascinating that research is just uncovering all the patterns of this. From 4 to 9 months, as soon as the relationship is either talked about as being exclusive, committed with an engagement, or there's a marriage— and a lot of ACOA men will push for marriage quickly because they know something's wrong and they're not going to fix it, and they're trying to hold it together and then marry early. Ah, guys, it's not a compliment, it's a red flag.

Right.

Oh yeah. So what happens, you know, once it gets serious, you're going to see some patterns starting. Maybe the partner starts controlling you, especially if you're a high-power woman. Like, I have a lot of high-power ladies as my clients who are successful in business but not in love, and they can't figure it out why. So they're using business to help feed the ego of the compliments they might not have gotten as a child. Yeah, but they still are bringing the toxic behaviors into the relationship. It. So you could see use of drugs, alcohol, sex to soothe anxiety. A man who's very demanding about sex is usually a child of trauma because sex is used to boost his ego when he's demanding it or wanting it all the time. Overworking, overeating, overspending, trouble communication about your fears, feeling always defensive, or you hear everything as a blaming statement. You think people blame you. If you have a partner that you think struggling, that— but they don't apologize. There's no remorse after they do something wrong. The worst of the ACOA is the sociopath, who has no remorse over things done to other people. They just don't apologize. Yeah.

Yes.

So, and you know, the big blame. Or there's another— there's another pattern of behavior people do, and I call it blurting. B-L-U-R-T-I-N-G. Blurting out. And this is when something is said that's so radical you would like to say there and say, why would they say that? And I can tell you, during the presidential debate, one of our candidates said something totally off-color, and everyone was shocked. And it's like, why would they say that?

Right?

Blurting, you know, and they don't think before they say, do, or act, or write. So people of trauma are very impulsive, and the impulsive subtype— there's 8 subtypes— they are usually the most dangerous because they get not only themselves in trouble that those who love them and are attached to them, they're being brought down because of what your partner says, does impulsively. So it's really wreaking havoc in relationships.

Yeah.

Gosh, wow. Well, um, boy, and I want to— I, I want to come back. We're going to take a brief break, but I want to come back to that if we could. And I'll leave that up to you, to those 8, because I'm just very enthralled and really trying to help everyone listening to really kind of be able to be aware and understand and then pick out these things and identify these, you know, traits, behaviors, patterns, whatever they might be. So we're going to take a quick break. Before we do, I want to mention again, please go to www.havethelovedeserve.com for her free ebook. You can also go to rhiannamilne.com and really consider, really consider the free Life and Love Transformation Strategy Session, a $500 value, everyone, to really just start getting some support and getting Rhianna in your corner to help you. And just mention that, you know, enjoyed the conversation with Bernadette on the Shed the Bitch radio program. And then of course Facebook with her at Coach Rhianna Milne. Tons of information on her website, rhiannamilne.com, so please do that. But we're going to take a quick break. When we get back, I want to continue diving into ways that you could be identifying and really, you know, helping to, I guess, prevent, you know, these destructive behaviors and patterns and traumas in your relationships. We'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the real the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, TSR Consulting, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to TSRConsulting.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker78@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/shuttingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. I am speaking with Rihanna Milne, who's a certified global life dating and relationship coach French. And I'll tell you what, if you just have even a question regarding relationships and love and the struggle that you might be having, um, go to rhiannamilne.com. Check out her resources, her tips, her bestselling book, uh, which is Love Beyond Your Dreams: Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve, um, and a number of other resources that she has— her free ebook as well as offer for a free life and love transformation strategy session. All right, rhiannamilne.com, everybody. So, Rhianna, without going into all 8 subtypes, but are there like— are there really big kind of gotchas that people— behaviors, patterns that people should be looking for?

Um, yes. Um, well, there's first the subtypes from the test, and then there's, uh, behavioral patterns that people should look for. So let me go into the behavioral patterns. Lying, control, they're big. Um, let's see, people pleasing, abandonment issues— that could be codependent relationships like clinging and anxiety, ongoing anxiety— anger, yelling and acting out, or shutting down and becoming passive-aggressive. They're both based from the same childhood trauma. Any addiction of any type, uh, cheap drama just being a cheap drama, like always making a fuss. We call that histrionic, and that often is— when it's women, uh-huh. Men use sexual fantasies, acting out with porn, over— overt sexual acting out, you know, serial affairs to feel the power of the secret and also to punish their partners. Silently. Jealousy is a big one, you know, that's where, you know, you're not feeling good enough, you hold on to that, you control your partner's actions, making them angry and actually wanting to get away from you. So all I see these kind of behaviors in yourself— impulsivity, as I mentioned before— these are all signs that you definitely want to get help, but because it takes time, 9— 90 days to 6 months to get the trauma out of your system. So that's why we have either the online training academy, lifeandlovetrainingacademy.com is where the online education is, and then I also work with people one-on-one with— as VIPs, and that's for 6 months.

And right, and everybody, you know, even if it takes 6 months, it's 6 months versus 6 years or 60 years, you know, for you to be able to kind of work on yourself with Rihanna and get past it so you can find those healthy relationships and/or make the relationship you're in healthy as well. So, excuse me, but if someone doesn't— that's a great segue into if someone doesn't heal their traumas and doesn't work on themselves, how does that manifest? What happens?

Oh, it's really, it's really bad. And I always say the sooner you can come in, the better. So I love working with people in their 20s, but like I said, my oldest client was 78 coming in with these issues. And you know, if you don't, you're just going to struggle. It becomes the pattern of different person, you know, different face, same person. You know what I mean? You keep choosing the same type if you're dating, or you have serial marriages and they seem to all be the same type, and you keep wondering, what am I doing wrong? You know, it's like, I'm a good person, why do I keep attracting toxic people into my life? Well, it's so unconscious that you're going for quote-unquote the normal for from your childhood that could be quite toxic, and that's why you're choosing that which feels comfortable. And then this goes through the generation. So if you're not taking care of it and kids are coming up in your household and they're seeing the fighting, guess what? Now there's another generation affected. So this is why I do a lot of parenting skills as well, so my clients understand how to parent, and they are held accountable to their behaviors now because they understand they are impacting their kids. So the kids, uh, they'll acting out, like cutting, suicidal tendency, risky sex behavior, a lot of yelling and screaming at their parents. But what happened? They saw mom and dad yelling and screaming, and they think this is how we solve our problems because that's what was modeled for them. So, you know, they always— as a therapist, they used to have kids dropped off to me, fix my kid. I'm like, wait, I want to talk to you guys first. Tell me what's going on in your household. Because sure, it just does not usually become angry unless they're bullied or they grow up around you know, angry parents, or one parent was angry and the other one always tried to keep the peace. You know, it's the same kind of dynamic, right? So yeah, you want to try and break the cycle for sure.

Absolutely. I mean, and everybody, we always talk about Rihanna on the show, we always talk about, you know, we only have one life to live, it goes really, really fast. You know, how do you, you know, how do you want to choose to live it? Do you want to choose to live it hiding and in fear and unknowing and not aware, or do you want to just push through all that, become aware, and put it behind you so you can live, you know, whatever life is left as productively healthy and happy as possible? So that brings me to my other favorite question that we were going to be talking about, and that is, help paint a picture, if you would, of what an emotionally healthy, evolved relationship relationship looks like. What are those?

Sure.

Make a healthy and evolved relationship.

Okay, well, there's a big section on this. It's Section 4 in my book, which has 4 sections of Love Beyond Your Dreams. So this is all of Section 4, and I did a lot of deep research on this. So we just don't have a lot of time to go into it, but I'll tell you some of the concepts. So if you picture an equilateral triangle, 3 equal sides, the relationship should look like that. One is One is he, and the other is us. So you each need to have your individual time, but that third piece of us time— dating, hanging out, having fun together— that's so important. And the problem— a lot of times people put kids ahead of the couple, and this is the couples that fall apart. So you have to be strong within your relationship, as in your marriage or your exclusivity, and then your love transfers down to the kids, and the kids are just fine. My couples learn the concept of you and me against the world, so they protect their relationship against others, always making your partner feel safe and cherished. So that's an important one. 3, you want to definitely be who you want to attract. So if you are emotionally healthy and you have your life together, then you are more in tune to attract that kind of person. Like, if you want someone who's financially responsible, are you? You know, so you've got to look at everything. And this is why my program or half life coaching, half love coaching, because your life has to be together first, right? Single, right? Being a successful single before you're going to attract a successful person, because you just won't settle for less knowing what you're bringing to the table. It's the whole package. Very important, right? There's something like your 5 to 6 requirements. We go over what they are. These are things that would be deal-breakers. If you don't get them from your partner, you will probably leave the relationship. One, for example, could be monogamy. Well, if your partner cheats, you may have a hard line on that and say, this is one thing I swear I would never tolerate, and I'm done, because that's a requirement for you. Yeah. So, and then there's also emotional and functional needs. Functional needs are what you need to have your house run properly, like they also clean up after themselves, they help with the cooking, dishes, whatever. The emotional needs are, you know, what you need to feel loved. So what type of affection do you like? PDA? Public displays of affection, loyalty, and the thoughtfulness, little deeds. Do you like— there's a whole bunch in there, you know, that you want to— if you're in a couple relationship, go over those lists with your partner. Be honest and say, you know what, we could work harder on this one, or we've got this one great, you know, and then don't want it— you need to work on better. Mm-hmm.

Right.

To make it better.

And you would also suggest I love the triangle thing because I'm a visual person, so the you, he, us. And so, you know, and again, you said, you know, you have to work on life before love, and you actually have to work on yourself before you can work on the relationship, right?

So, correct. Yes.

Okay, good. So, so that brings me in, and we have a few minutes left. That brings me to paint a picture, if you will, if someone says, wow, I really want to take advantage of this free strategy session and even further work with Rihanna, on that first, on that first, people, you know, probably sit there and go, what the heck do I like bring to that conversation? What do I think about? What do I prepare? What, you know, paint a picture as to what that hour free strategy session that you're offering looks like and what can they do to make sure that that hour is as beneficial as possible.

Yes, well, I would highly suggest you get the free ebook at have the love you deserve dot com. That goes deeper into the childhood traumas, and then you can— there's a self-test in there, so you take that. So by the time you see me, you say, Rihanna, I got 6 of these, here are my 6. Then we save a whole lot of time and I can jump right to some things to help you, some strategies to help you, right? So, and really, if there's a contact me form, it pops up on the website, RihannaMillan.com. Just tell me your story. Nobody else sees this email. I read all of those, they come directly to me, and then I turn around and give you a session time and day, and we meet by Skype so we can see each other. And nice, it's a very valuable hour, you know, they're going to learn a lot for sure.

I'm telling you, everybody, if you don't take advantage of this, even if you, you know, thinking that, you know, you're thinking you have a great relationship but there's something there that you just want to work on regarding your someone like Rihanna, having, you know, you know, her in your corner and her in your toolkit, so to speak. You want to make sure that you leverage that. You don't want to just dismiss, oh well, I don't need a, you know, this free session. Leverage what she can bring you, because even what she's told us in the last, you know, 40 minutes is going to be very valuable. I know it is to me, let alone if you were to get her, have the loveyoudeserve.com get— take advantage of that strategy session, learn more about what she— how she can help you. You know, you're not going to be disappointed, I can guarantee you. And you deserve to focus on yourself for that— for an hour, for, you know, 6 months that she talked about. You deserve that, and believe that you deserve that. So if you could, in the last minute, kind of give us kind of just like what's your big aha that you would like to leave our listeners with?

Just that, you know, life is short. I lost a few good friends when— and very early in life. I was 16 and lost my best friend to a drunk driver. Then at 23, my college roommate was murdered. So we never know. In a domestic violence incident, this is my kind of my giveback to Michael and Corinne in doing this work, and it's important work. So if you even see a friend struggling and they can't figure out why, just say, listen, call Rihanna. If you had childhood trauma, she'll help help you figure this out, right? Because, you know, it's time really to have the life you desire and the love you deserve. So if you're stuck in a toxic, abusive relationship, pretending it's not there won't help. Trying to rationalize with someone who has not done the work will not help. And I usually know when I'm seeing my couples, they're on their last leg, they can't take it anymore. And I work with them in Zoom, like a Zoom classroom, or local if they're in Florida. And then the single— same things— the singles, you know, can do online training or they can do a VIP program. But the great thing about it is once you have these skills, you don't need to learn them again. You will take the unconscious and make it conscious, and now it's a whole new way of life and thinking. It is about mindset, Bernadette, you know. And I love that you talk about negative fears, and you know, that's what you constantly talk about on all your shows— the negativity of mindset, not having your life together, not feeling good enough. A high need for security is someone that had childhood trauma. And fear-based thinking, negative thinking, is all from childhood trauma. We change that. We completely change it, right? So reach out, get the help you need. I'm here for you however I can help you. And help spread the word, you know. That's how— what my last client came in, she was in with a coach, and she said, you know, the coach says, I have no idea how to help you with this. And one of the classmates said, you got to talk to Rihanna Milton. She's the one that understands childhood trauma. Trauma. So it's like, it's getting out there, right? Because then I can help more people to help themselves, you know, and choose emotionally healthy people and be that for themselves.

Absolutely. And again, I'm going to reiterate, you deserve it, ladies, men, whomever is listening. You deserve it. And so please, rhiannamilne.com, look at all of her resources. Grab that free ebook and you won't be disappointed, I can promise you. I absolutely love this conversation. I definitely am going to have to have you back again.

Thank you, Bernadette. If you want me to do something on parenting, let me know, or, you know, working with school-aged children. If, you know, a lot of you ladies are parents, because there's so many things you can do to empower your kids so that they don't carry on. Even if that one parent left the family and you're a single mom, believe me, I use these skills to raise my daughters who became extremely successful in their early out of the house and just became, you know, so there's things that you can know. It's— and I would love to bring that to your audience.

Oh, that would be awesome. So everybody, you know, even do a shout out that, you know, a parenting conversation would be an awesome subject. So we're gonna actually get that arranged. Rihanna, thank you so much for—

thank you, Bernadette, for having me with us today.

You're very welcome. Everybody remember, Connie fights is next week. We're going to be talking about women who dare to ignite, so stay tuned for that. And for those of you—

excuse me—

for those of you who are downloading this, all the information is relevant to you as well. And I want to thank everybody, including Deborah Parker, who is with Parker House Virtual Services, and for everybody in the Shedding the Bitch community, I want to wish you a rich, prosperous week, and we will all I'll talk to you right back here next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Thanks everyone, and again, Rihanna, thank you so much.

Thank you, Bernadette. Thank you, everyone.

Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches, and the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next Next week.