How to build a happy post-divorce afterlife, with guest star, Shanon Lee

Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back.

818-572-2910. Good day, good day, good day, everyone. How are you on this gorgeous November day wherever you are? Around the world. I hope it's a beautiful one for you. I can't believe, I cannot believe we are already in the middle of November and we're preparing for Thanksgiving next week. It's an early Thanksgiving, you know, being that it's the 24th. But here in Atlanta, at least, you certainly look outside and between the temperature and the sunshine and the dust because we haven't had rain in months. You would never know it was fall, let alone Thanksgiving. But we'll certainly make the best of it. And we know the cold weather's coming and we know the rain, knock on wood. Please say some prayers for all of us anywhere around the world that definitely needs water. We have some, we actually have some severe fires going on in North Georgia, and it's caused— actually, they're several hours away, and yet it's caused all that smoke to get pushed down even into Atlanta and South Georgia. So that's another thing everybody's dealing with, is just, um, all of that smoke. And, you know, it's one thing to have allergies with the trees this time of year, it's another thing to have respiratory issues because of the smoke. So I hope everyone, wherever you are, you're safe, sound, protecting yourself. But do please, you know, say a prayer and give a shout out to those that are dealing with these fires. It's unusual for us in Georgia. We usually are watching California with the fires. However, but due to lack of rain, forget about the levels of water, but the grounds are so dry. And sadly enough, someone lit— this is an arson fire that then has spread. So just some prayers, if you would, for everyone in Georgia. Another thing, too, and I'm going to mention it very briefly. I'm not even going to really talk about the subject directly. But I just needed to share this because I've been sharing it somewhat in a venting way on all of my social outlets. I have to just say that, you know, it was an exhausting year through the presidential campaign. And regardless of, you know, whose side you're on, it was exhausting. And regardless of your, you know, candidate won or lost, it was exhausting. And it's been exhausting ever since. But I'll be honest with you, regardless of the side, the hate and the and just the angst that has been created going into the final night of elections, let alone coming out, it's really sent me into a tailspin. And I don't kind of fall down, so to speak, very easily. I don't go to my bed, as they say in the South, very easily. And yet, I'll be honest with you, forget the daylight saving time adjustment, which was, as you get older, that hour means a tremendous amount. But it was also just that drag of all of that negativity and all of that yelling and screaming, and it just was ugly. And it really, it's really negatively impacted me. So I kind of went quiet since last Tuesday night when it comes to turning on the media, when it comes to watching any type of news, 'cause I really have no desire And I'm explaining this so you understand, because I've been asked why I've gone quiet. But I just have no desire to hear about anything in regards to the transition. It really doesn't even matter. Well, it does have something to do with who was elected. But at the same time, it's more just the drama that the media and that everybody wants to put into things these days. Why can't we just have kind of some normalcy in our lives? Because it's just wreaking havoc, not only on myself. I've heard from many, many, many many of you in regards to it. So if you're questioning why I all of a sudden dropped off last Tuesday night about midnight and really haven't responded to any of the comments and the posts that have been put out there, and I haven't turned on the news at all, not even the entertainment news, because they're even covering it still, and they come up with something to cover, you know, the dishes they're buying now and the shopping spree someone's going on. And it's just exhausting. So I'm there to have a conversation with you, certainly. And I'm there to discuss and debate and dialogue on things that are getting in your way of being happy and fulfilled and rich. And as a result, I've also been kind of posting some videos on Shading the Bitch Facebook page just in regards to my own journey this last week, week and a half. Now that said, on the flip side, one of the therapies that I've allowed to really take hold over the past couple weeks has been the 24-day mindset transformation experience that we were introduced to by Dr. Kelly Morrow-Biaz, the Fit Shrink that we had on several weeks ago. And on October 31st, Halloween, we kind of started that as a community. To go through that on a daily basis. And I'll tell you what, it's done wonders for me. I've talked to you guys about the fact that I've struggled the past couple of years with everything else I'm trying to do and accomplish to really focus on my fitness and focus on my health. And, and I was looking for something. And, you know, they always say when the student is ready, the teacher will come. So if you're ever needing of something, just get yourself prepared and open to receiving, 'cause your teacher will come when the student, you, are ready. And that's what happened to me. This 24-day Mindset Transformation that focuses on nutrition, fitness, and mindset has been a godsend. And I hope you're taking advantage of it, whether you're sharing it, you know, with us on Facebook, on our private group page, or not. I just hope you're taking advantage of it. They're very short, 3 to, I think the longest so far has been 7-minute audio every day for 24 days. I think she has a bonus for the 25th. And you know, it's just really kind of helped me shift and distract and put my energies elsewhere. And I hope it does the same for you. So you can always join in in 2 places. Of course, we'd love you to go to our private group Facebook page. We created this just for you because many of you said you wanna share, you wanna dialogue, you wanna debate, but you just don't wanna necessarily do it in an open forum where, where you're sharing very, you know, sensitive things about yourself and you want some degree of kind of feeling safe. So we set up a group, it's called Shift to Riches. So you have to go to facebook.com/groups/shifttoriches and you will find it because it's a private page, um, and therefore it'll be a safe space for all of us to be collaborating. I've been posting there every day during this 24 days. Uh, so you, you know, can join in any time that you would like. All right, the second place would be to go to fitshrink.com. That's fitshrink.com/fitshrinkseries. That's the URL, and you'll find the 24 Days. It doesn't matter if you pull down today and you have, you know, you're going to start on day 1 and go forward. Doesn't matter. Come into our Facebook page, and I've been very open, very disclosing, very transparent about my journey and the responses to the questions and activities she's been sending us through. But like I said, it's been a godsend. Another shout-out I want to do is poor Deborah, and we're not going to have her talk today. As I mentioned last week, Deborah Parker of our Parker House Virtual Services, she handles all of our social media. Typically she's in, you know, she's with us during the program, which she is today. But we're going to allow her to kind of give her voice a break because it's raspier than mine, let's just say that. But we're just going to send out a big shout-out of love that she gets well and tells her kids to stop getting her sick. But that's for Deborah of Parker House Virtual Services, and you can learn more regarding her if you just want to go to her LinkedIn page, Deborah Parker, and then listen for our commercials and we'll tell you where you can also be reaching out to her. All right, so our conversation today, I'm very excited about, and I don't care if you're single, never been married, you haven't been through a divorce, every one of us have had some sort of breakup that has sent us to our knees,. And we need to first know that there's life after divorce, but at the same time, that, you know, that our guest is going to motivate you, inspire you to realize that yes, there is life after divorce. So what are we going to talk about today? We're going to talk about building that happy life, happy post-divorce afterlife. Again though, keep in mind, breakup with a boyfriend. I posted on Facebook, breakup of a business relationship. Doesn't matter. You're probably going to hear some tips and advice that you're going to be able to leverage in whatever situation you're dealing with. But your divorce is final, you know. So say that's where you're at right now, your divorce is final, and you're thinking, now what? Well, you are untethered by the bonds of marriage and no longer restricted to a life of compromise, if that's what you feel you've, you've done. You are not the person you used to be, and therefore you deserve a life that reflects who you are now. So when we come back from break, we're gonna introduce you to our guest who's going to talk to you about how to mourn your divorce, how to really soak in it, mourn it, and then move on from it. How to recognize the transformative effects that your divorce is actually providing you. So instead of looking at it negatively, how do you look at it more constructively? And then how to successfully reinvent yourself after divorce. Like she says, kind of like you're untethered now, you can do whatever you want. So how to successfully reinvent yourself after divorce. So your rich question for today that I want you to be thinking about is, as our guest speaks to us, is I want you to think about, uh, what is that one bitch, as we call it? What is that one fear, insecurity, negativity, belief system that you've gained as a result of your divorce that you want to shed and get rid of? And, you know, and what are you willing to do to do that? Because I have a feeling Shannon, our guest, is going to provide some great advice and tips around that. Okay, so that's your rich question. What is that one, you know, bitch of fear, angst, attitudes, negativity, you know, just blah, as a result of your divorce that you're looking to shed, okay? And I want you to Facebook and tweet with us, and you can use hashtag #LifeAfterDivorce, Life After Divorce, as well as #ShedTheBitch, okay? So we're going to take a brief break, and when we get back, I'm going to introduce you to our fabulous guest and get into this conversation. We'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors: TSR Consulting, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate size clients. Go to TSRConsulting.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium size businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker78@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at media relations at sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back, everybody. We are talking post-life— or, I'm sorry, post-divorce afterlife, um, triumphs is what we're talking about. And our guest is Shannon Lee. Shannon Lee is a military brat that has lived everywhere from Cuba to California. A young divorcee and a victim of domestic abuse She went on to study clinical mental health counseling and combined her love for activism and writing to create films that advocate for survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. I just have to do a clap for that. Her compelling personal essays appear in digital publications including The Washington Post, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, Elle, Marie Claire, and Women's Day. Shannon is the writer, producer, and director of Marital Rape Is Real, which features on HuffPost Live, The Wall Street Journal, The Labor of Love podcast, and the Real Z Channel Scandals Made Me Famous. She is a Women's Media Center SheSource expert, love that, and a featured columnist for divorcedmoms.com.

Wow!

Welcome to the show, Shannon.

Thanks for having me, Bernadette Boas.

Oh, I'm so looking forward to it. So, I mean, you know, that is one heck of a resume or a bio and certainly gets people's attention because obviously there's a lot of courage and a lot of self-realization that you've had to go through in order to then put it in writing, put it on film, that kind of thing. So tell me, how did you begin, right, your writing relationship and writing advice articles for the Huffington Post, DivorcedMoms.com, and the other places that you contribute? What brought you to that point?

You know, I really discovered Divorced Moms, that was late December, I want to say, in 2013, I was really just looking for a community, and I found that website. I started reading some of the stories of the other bloggers, and it was just so familiar, you know, really resonated with me. It was a lot of the things that I had experienced throughout my marriage and throughout my divorce. And so, you know, I really wanted to express myself through writing, but I didn't know if I was committed enough to start my own blog. So I decided to really, you know, contribute there. And from then, I mean, my first blog post, I want to say my first blog post led me to really start my relationship with HuffPost. I was invited to be on HuffPost Live. It started being syndicated to the Huffington Post. Annemariashriver.com. And that really, you know, when I, when I, when I— yeah, when I said, okay, well, you know, this is— I'm starting to get some attention from this, and, and not, you know, for myself, but really just to be able to communicate with other women and other men that were going through the same situation. And I thought, okay, this might be something, there might be something here, right?

Right. Obviously I mean, obviously, the Huffington Post is nobody to sneeze at, let alone DivorcedMoms.com. But let me ask you something, because I do really believe this, and when I was reading over everything that you've done, and I was also kind of talking to other friends, and of course I have divorced or even going through divorce friends. Am I right to say that anybody listening right now, and though we're talking divorce, they can actually apply even from your advice articles, they can apply what it is that you're sharing and advising into any part of their life when it comes to dealing in relationships of any kind. Would you say that that's true?

Oh, absolutely. You can read some of my articles and know that they apply to any type of long-term intimate relationship.

Right, right, right. So I just wanted to throw that out there just in case there are some of our listeners who are like, huh, this is about divorce, I'm not divorced. I'm not divorced, I've never been married. I made a joke on one of the posts I sent out for, for this program today with you, and I said I'm not even divorced and I'm looking forward to learning kind of how, you know, I've had long time and long-term relationships. And I do believe that it can be even from a work perspective, you get into very intimate— maybe not, it's obviously not sexual and physical, but intimate relationships. So I was just curious about that. Um, so kind of share with us, just so to ground everybody, your— about your journey, about your journey not only to, uh, build a happy post-divorce afterlife, but how you then with lever— are leveraging that to help other people.

Well, I was married initially. I've been married and divorced twice, and the first time I was married, I, um, I was 21, or excuse me, divorced I was 21. I got married at the age of 20. So it was a very young relationship. Um, it was a volatile relationship, definitely nothing healthy about it. And, um, and so I really, you know, he was dealing with some issues. He had some substance abuse problems, and I knew this was not someone that I was going to go on to have children with. Um, you know, decided to end that relationship And that's when I experienced, you know, the issues where he became violent. He was later arrested for physical assault, but within that timeframe of me actually letting him know that I was going to divorce him and this was, you know, this was serious, you know, he also raped me. So this was, you know, the start of me just really I mean, when they talk about, you know, relationships and marriages, this is something, you know, marital rape is something that is not commonly discussed, you know, right? So kind of taboo, um, you know, even if you've gone through it, you're so happy to be out of the situation that you just don't, you know, you don't just don't talk about it openly. And so that was my first marriage. It took me another, you know, decade before I really felt like I was ready to make that type of commitment again. And the first time I really married because, you know, we— I felt like we were in love, and I thought, you know, that that's all it took, right, to make a successful relationship. And it turns out I was very wrong. And so the second time, I felt like I was more mature. I got married to someone who was older, who was established in his career, who I felt like he could give me that emotional and financial stability. Disability. And, um, but, you know, it turned out that, that I had not done a lot of the work with myself. I was still attracting the same type of person. He was abusive but in a different way. He was really controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive, verbally abusive. And, um, he, you know, had some of the same, same issues as my first husband. And he actually wound up going to jail. He was indicted for embezzlement, and I had already left him at this point. We'd been legally separated for a year just based on the fact that, you know, I didn't like the way that I was being treated. So I had left that relationship. I had relocated to be, you know, near my support system, near my family and my friends when he was indicted. And so, you know, luckily for me, I was able to have him served. While he was, you know, in jail. And, um, and so from then on, you know, that was the time where I said, I need to figure out what's going on with me. Why do I keep attracting the same type of person into my life? Yeah, it's so serious at this point, you know. And I really wanted to learn also a lot more about mental health and, and personality disorders and some things that I felt like I had direct experience with through these relationships. So that inspired me to go back to school. I ended up going to grad school for clinical mental health counseling and really doing the work, because you can't go into that type of program and not be expected to also spend some time on the couch. And I learned a lot about myself, and as a result of that, you know, really what I wanted out of life. And, and what I wanted out of a future relationship.

Sure, absolutely. Wow, wow, I have so many questions. Okay, so I'm gonna— I want to break this down and kind of do the divorce one, the divorce two, and now where, where you're at right now and what you're, you're telling everybody. So I find it fascinating. Yes, there is youth in that first one, right? You know, you're 20, you get married, you have this grandiose idea maybe of what marriage is, and then it turns ugly. And I applaud you. I applaud you for bringing up— because a lot of women don't even talk about their abuse, let alone something like a marital rape. Because you're right, I mean, you know, people are like, they're married, there's no such thing. And it's like, oh my gosh, are you kidding me? Right? Did you experience that?

Oh yeah, not during the time because again, I didn't really, I wasn't open about it. I told a few close friends and family members, but as I'm, you know, vocal and an activist now, I hear that type of ignorance. They feel like because you are married, you almost give up you know, that ability to consent.

Right. And what— what, um, well, first off, if you don't mind me asking, like, how long have you been talking so openly and so transparently about, you know, your entire, you know, marriage-divorce experience, but more so around the abuse and the rape? How long have you been talking about it? It's—

this started back in 2014, and that was a direct result from being contacted from my first ex-husband, my rapist. You know, I— at the time, I had a music project out and I had a website, and he contacted me through that website and basically demanded that, you know, that I give him forgiveness. And he didn't really— you know, I had a very colorful response. And he didn't really appreciate that. And I found that this is a common theme with survivors of sexual assault and even domestic violence, where they will, you know, completely sever themselves from that person, but they will have their abuser try and come back into their life. And so we went through a short period where he was harassing me online, and Certainly from that, and then there were some other things circulating. There was a story of a young girl, her name is Jada, and she was sexually assaulted. She was drugged, and then she found different images of her rape posted on social media. She decided— Yeah, this was in Texas. So there was a whole I Am Jada movement where she really wanted to interact in the press and I am not a victim, you know, I want to be very vocal about what happened to me, and, you know, she wanted to see justice, and I thought it was so empowering to me as an adult, you know, and we're talking about like a 15-year-old, that I thought certainly, you know, I can share my story and impact, you know, even if I can impact one person, it will be worth it. Right.

Absolutely, absolutely. And for those listening, I'm trying to get an understanding of this for all of us because I think it's important to understand what it does to you when you don't share and when you don't kind of just purge, or what we call shed here, you know, all that fear, or maybe that, you know, you're, you're beating yourself up and you're blaming yourself for maybe whatever happened in your marriage and whatever happened, you know, via before, during, or after the divorce. So I just wanted to kind of get us grounded on what it really takes and why it's So liberating. And would you call it liberating, Shannon, when you do start talking about it? It kind of does, does kind of open up this whole, I don't know, this river of joy because you're just letting it go at that point?

Absolutely. It's, you know, it's definitely a burden that's being released, and it's really your time to not only share your voice but give a voice to others. Because, you know, how many times have we been in a room where there's an issue discussed us that has personally impacted us, and there are, you know, ignorant comments being made, and you internalize all of that, you know. So yeah, it's, you know, it happened to me. It's empowering to say this happened to me, I'm not defined by this, and this is how I feel about it.

Right, that's awesome. And it's so— and this is not directed to you, it's actually directed to our listeners. You know, it's so easy to kind of hear those words, you guys, but at the same time to live those words as Shannon has done is a whole different sort of process that you, you have to kind of push yourself through to, to then get that to that point where you are talking about it. And at the same time, once you're talking about it, it's not only helping you, it's helping other people around you. I love what you said, and I want to delve into it just a little bit more. It had to do with before you transitioned to talking about the second divorce, and you said something about the fact that you realized it takes more than love. Oh yeah, um, yeah, could you just, you know, kind of dig deeper into that and help our listeners also understand, um, what you, what you specifically mean by that?

Well, you know, we always talk about how, you know, everyone has baggage. They have experiences that they have had through their, you know, that they brought into their relationship from their family of origin, what they've gone through with their parents, what they, you know, their own experiences. And so when I say it takes more than love, you know, it takes emotional maturity, it takes emotional intelligence, Those are a lot of things that we don't have, you know, we don't have a lot of those skills and those tools, especially, you know, when we're younger, and we may never have them if that's nothing, if it's something that you're not focused on developing.

Right, right, yep, amen to that, amen to that, and you're right, it didn't matter that you were 20 because I don't know about you, but I know some people including myself that I wasn't really, you know, emotionally mature to the point of opening up and, and really being me until my mid-40s, you know. So, you know, age is definitely not a fact. Well, age can be a factor, but isn't always the only factor of it being and taking more than love to, to— and what— so staying with this first divorce, what would you kind of tell women, um, into a, into a marriage, kind of working through their marriage, maybe that is becoming somewhat, uh, tumultuous and maybe even going to the, to the side of divorce? What from that first or both marriages would you share with them as far as overcoming that trauma?

Oh my, I think that anytime that you've had a hard experience, you know, our first instinct is to kind of go inward. And certainly, you know, when you have gone through a breakup, either whether you're in a long-term relationship or a marriage, there's a lot of shame sometimes, you know, involving that whole situation. There's a lot— there's a feeling of failure. And so you really need to step outside of yourself and understand that you need people in your life that are going to be encouraging. You need to really draw on your resources, your support system. And even if it is not your family, you know, then it can be your friends. If it's not your friends, it could be, you know, your members of your church, you know, your congregation. Or it can be people that have experienced the same type of thing or are going through the same type of situation. You can find online support groups. Right. So you really have to know that, you know, this is not something that you need to go through alone. And so that's really the first step. But also, you know, respect where you are. You know, respect where you are. If you know, you know, I'm in a toxic relationship and, and I, and I need to figure out a way to get out of this, you know, you need to respect where you are in your journey. You need to at least, you know, be kind to yourself and acknowledge the fact that you now want better for yourself. Absolutely. So you have to really start being kinder to yourself, Inform your thoughts, you know, with positive words, and be really, really careful about what you expose yourself to, especially when you are going through or have been through any level of trauma. You know, you need to be careful about the things that you're listening to, the things that you're watching. Bernadette, you mentioned, you know, how it was impacting you and you felt the need to protect your spirit through this entire negative presidential campaign, and people don't realize the importance of protecting your spirit and shutting yourself off from that. These are things that you don't have to expose yourself to, and these are things that can color the way that you go about your day. You know, you need to really be kind to yourself. And so that was, that was a big thing. And also start thinking about, you know, how you Your relationship is not your whole life, even though it seems like it is. Even when you are married and all of your decisions, you know, you've gone through this period where you are— all of your decisions, you know, you have to kind of come up with as a couple. You know, you need to start thinking about yourself again as an individual and think about the things that that make you happy. And so those are, those are some of the things that, that I can remember, uh, needing to change and focus on, you know, when I was really in the thick of it.

Yeah, absolutely. And I love that. And I, you know, the one thing I also— we had a conversation, um, uh, maybe it was last week, and it was all around, it was all around, um, emotional abuse. Uh, you know, people think of the physical abuse because it leaves scars, it leaves some physical, um, things, and, you know, that, uh, that harms someone. But tons of emotional abuse. And it sounds as if, you know, you've had it all. That first marriage was physical and the second was emotional. And would you say, was there a kind of a difference, or was there a different level of I don't know, harm that it did, you know, being emotional versus physical, or physical versus the emotional. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it makes sense. I think it's— for me, it was all the same. And it really, you know, it really woke me up to how important it is to really be able to determine the signs of abuse. Because, you know, the person doesn't have to hit you to wound you deeply. Right. Yeah. And so we need to kind of understand that concept and be really respectful of people that, you know, have left their boyfriend or their partner or their, you know, their husband, their wife, because, you know, they're experiencing some level of emotional abuse. Level of mental, psychological abuse or verbal abuse because it is all hurtful. It is all damaging.

Yeah. And that is a tweetable comment. So I want to repeat it for Ms. Deborah. Because it is so true. So Shannon shared with us that someone does not need to hit you to wound you. And it is so absolutely true. And therefore, as we are listening to this, And the tips that she is providing you, and I actually captured 5 out of that, and she might sum, sum it up differently, but I kind of extracted some things and came up with 5 of the things that she was recommending that you can consider leveraging in order to move you through your, your own journey. But at the same time, I think, you know, it is really important for us to understand that, you know, you do not need a physical scar or bruise for it to hurt you and for, for you to acknowledge that pain that you're going through and then to find the, the resources like she talked about to, to work through it. And so we're going to take a brief break, but when we get back, I really do want to have Shannon share with us kind of tips on how do you out there listening to this saying, you know what, this woman is so right. Shannon has such great points about this. I need to start taking care of myself. How do you take that first step? How do you take— make that decision to do something, um, you know, in order to— for you to be able to move through your journey and to come out the other side in victory, so to speak? We're going to be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, TSR Consulting Consulting, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to TSRConsulting.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker78@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or to be an advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. If you're just joining us, we are talking to the inspiring Shannon Lee who is sharing with us kind of her journey and her process for building a happy post-divorce afterlife. She's been there and done that. And if you're just joining us, just go back and listen to it following the program, the first part, because she talked about her journey through two of her divorces that really kind of then pushed her to move forward. And I also want to mention, go to mylove4writing.com, mylove, then number 4, writing.com, to learn more about Shannon. At the same time, she makes it easy, and we know we love those guests that make it easy for you. Every one of her handles is basically My Love 4 Writing. So her email, mylove4writing@gmail.com. Her Facebook page is My Love 4 Writing. Her Twitter handle is @mylove4writing, the number 4, everybody. So go and check her out. And at the same time, she has— and I'll ask her about this in a minute— but there is a program called Scandal Made Me Famous premiering on the Real Z. Channel, November 19th at 9 PM. Check your local cable listings if you want to learn more, but she is appearing on the Lorena Bobbitt episode, which is directly related to her short film, Marital Rape Is Real. And you have to learn about the whole Bobbitt, um, uh, case, so to speak, in order to understand what that is. But just go and, uh, and check it out. So for more information on the screenings and when the film will be widely available to the public, Go to myloveforwriting.com and you'll learn all about it. Shannon, just an amazing story and just so relevant of a process and a journey that you have gone through. But let me ask you a question. You went and took your journey and said, you know what, I need to figure this all out. Why am I going and attracting and attaching myself to the same type of men who are only, you know, abusing me. So you chose to go to school and you specifically went to study clinical mental health counseling. And then you also said, which I loved, the fact that you had to go to the couch. You had to, you know, be on the couch. And so for those of us who may not know what that means, it's you sought help through a psychiatrist or a psychologist? Is that right?

Yes, a mental health counselor, but gosh, they're called— we're called everything, therapist, psychologist, you know, so many different terms for it. Even if you have, you know, someone that is trained, a lot of people feel more comfortable going through counseling through their church. You know, as long as the person is trained and they have, you know, credentials, you know, I support that as well.

Well, that's awesome. Now, you know, you were drawn very much to, you know, that study, plus you knew that through that study you would have to go to the couch, so to speak. What would you say to the woman or man, but the woman who's sitting here listening to our program, listening to your story, listening to the steps that you talked about or the things that they could be doing from, you know, not going in alone, respecting where you are, transforming your thoughts. But, you know, what can you tell them about taking that first step, making that decision? What— where do they need to be, so to speak, within themselves in order for them to go and take that first step, which many find hard?

Right. Gosh, it's always going to depend on your, you know, your personal circumstance. But it does take, you know, bold action. The only thing that you have to be is fed up. And that's, you know, that's normally, you know, that's normally when a change, you know, will start to happen. So, but certainly you can prepare yourself for it as much as you can. You know, if you have any money that you can put away because you're worried about, you know, not having a spouse's income, you know, to combine with yours, you do need to do kind of an inventory an inventory of your personal resources. You know, can you let a boss know what's going on, you know, if you're working? Do you have friends, you know, that can help you find another place to live? I mean, you have to really, like I said, it does take, you know, just that knowledge that you don't have to do it alone, and it's better if you don't. So take an inventory of all of your resources, the members of your congregation, everything because you're really going to need to draw on that, you know, to gain some personal strength.

Right, right. And that's not to say that, you know, any transition in life is— can be overwhelming, can be difficult, can look like a, you know, a mountain as opposed to a molehill. But at the same time, you would also advocate, Shannon, would you not, that don't allow that list, don't allow that to-do, so to speak, that to-do list, so to speak, um, keep you in a relationship, keep you in a marriage that is just, you know, destroying you, whether that is physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, in any capacity, correct?

Oh, absolutely. And I think that comes more into play when you have really, you know, determined— you have to understand that once you make that decision you're going to go into survival mode. You know, you're going to get it done because you're not going to have a choice.

And gosh forbid if children are involved, right?

Absolutely. You know, that's an extra component. I think we're in a time and age where people understand, they're starting to understand that, you know, that's really not— having children is not enough to keep you together. And a lot of times it could be more damaging to stay in a toxic relationship when there are children involved. So, you know, it— like I said, it really depends on your personal circumstance, but you have to understand that you can do it and you can get through it.

Right, right, absolutely. Okay, so I'm thinking about The fact that, uh, like you said in the— that you had in your bio, it's kind of you've decided that you're going to be divorced, get a divorce, now what? And you liken divorce to a rebirth, uh, when it's often described as a death to many people. So how big of a role do you feel the mindset, someone's mindset, has to do with them healing after divorce and actually finding the happiness that they're looking for? Where does mindset fit into all this?

Mindset is everything, and it is always going to determine your outcome. I know that, and I'm not saying this in a really, you know, flippant way. I'm not saying that it was easy even for me personally, and certainly there's, you know, I had to go through that period of mourning but I didn't stay in that. You know, so you can cry about it for as long as you need to, but take actionable steps every day to make your life better. If you need to support yourself, apply to one job a day. You know, break it down to small steps every day so that you are not, you know, completely overwhelmed. But your attitude is certainly going to determine you know, how quickly you are able to not only just heal from it, but grow from it and wind up in a better position.

I love—

hold on a minute, I'm scribbling— how will determine how fast and successful. Absolutely. I absolutely love that. I love the whole idea that you're suggesting that you mourn the transition that is happening, even the, the experience that you've been through. At the same time, I love this, break it down to small actions. Like, you can be mourning 23 hours of the day, but in that 24th hour, find something to do that moves you forward and, you know, is kind of more constructive and productive toward the transition you're going through. Is that, is that a fair summary of what it is that you were saying?

Absolutely, and you need to, you know, a big thing that we are concerned about is how we will get it all done, and a lot of times that will keep you stuck where you are.

Yes, yes.

You can't worry about how it's going to all come together. You just have to take those steps and it will come together. So, you know, and that's another part of staying positive, as positive as you can muster, you know, given, given your situation. And this is why it's so nice to talk to other people that have been through this situation, have come through the other side. Talk to, you know, to, to the older— I always tell people, go back and talk to some of your older, you know, relatives, or your relatives that, you know, maybe it wasn't a divorce, but, you know, they've overcome cancer, you know. Do some type of volunteer work where you are working with people that are going through these major life-altering events, and it will help change your perspective.

Right, right. And, and their experiences can actually provide some tips and advice for what you can do in your own, even though it's not the same experience, right?

Absolutely.

I love that. I love that. And so Did you— so staying positive for people, having a really strong mindset and one that always is talking, um, positive things to yourself versus negative. Do you use any tools? I do a lot of meditation. I do a lot of reading. Do you use anything or suggest to your clients anything that they might, um, you know, use for themselves to kind of work on that mental mindset?

I do. You know, there are specific things that are, um, you know, helpful for me, but I feel like everybody has their little something. A lot of times I will go back to nature. I was always, you know, surrounded by nature. I mean, I used to live in Maine, I used to live in Rhode Island, I used to go camping with my family. And so a lot of times when I need to kind of reboot you know, and get in a more positive mindset, I will go back, you know, to nature. I will go, you know, on trails. I will go to the beach. And, and that, you know, can really, really reset my mindset, get me in a more positive space. There are also other things that I do. I have a whole morning routine, you know, where I— even though I will tell you I'm not You know, I'm not very religious, but I was raised in the Church of Christ, and so I do know scripture. So I will, you know, at times pull out the Bible. I have a women's devotional book that I will flip through and just go through that. Nice. For the day, I will create a daily mantra and say that to myself. I have a little notebook that has a little mirror on it, and I will say that mantra in that mirror to start my day. And then do these little, what they call conditioning phrases, where you make these affirmative I am statements and you write where you want to be. You know, I am, you know, successful at this. I am a successful writer. I am a successful whatever you want to be. You know, so all of these things become important and it may be something different for you. So sometimes it's easy for us to go back to a period in our life where we were really happy, maybe even back to our childhood and think about the things that made us happy. I also love to sing. Music can instantly lift your mood. So it's more about incorporating those little things that you know can uplift your spirit every day.

Right, I love that. And I would even say, like, I just wrote down 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 things that you mentioned You know, that might be a good thing for everyone to do too. Lay out all the different things you could be doing. Like create a list of all the ideas and doesn't matter how silly, how big or small, lay out ideas leveraging also what Shannon is providing as to what it is that you can kind of reach in, into kind of a bucket and grab one of these ideas out when you're feeling, you know, blah during the day and you just need something to uplift yourself. Absolutely love that. Absolutely love that. Okay, I do want to get to— I do want to get to the fact that in one of your articles you offer specific tips for those who want to go on to find long-term love after divorce. So can you share— and we're not even going to take a commercial break— so can you share your best advice for finding long-term love? For those who think that they're not going to.

Absolutely. You know, something that we, you know, deal with as people that have been divorced, that have been, you know, a part of this huge breakup of a long-term relationship, is that having to overcome that, that sense of failure. And, you know, how thinking about how you are perceived— but you have to understand that you are, you know, if it's something that you want You know, if you want a long-term healthy relationship, that is something that you can have and that you, you know, that you deserve. But I think it's really important not to rush into anything. It might be popular right now to go online and meet people and, you know, get— people say get back out there, but you may not be in a mental space or emotional space to do that. So even if you find someone, that you are attracted to, that you feel like, you know, complements you in your life, just take your time. Let the relationship evolve at a healthy, steady pace, and just understand that if it's meant to be, you know, it's going to happen. So I think it's important to take your time. I think it's important to really understand that there are different stages in a love relationship, and it might be different for you after after you have gone through a divorce. You might not want to, you know, spend every waking hour with this new person, even though, you know, you have grown to love them. Things are going to be a little bit different, and you understand that infatuation, that immediate, you know, infatuation is going to simmer down, but it can grow into just a healthy, you know, amount of respect for that person and admiration and actual mature a loving relationship. Um, keep your goals. Yes, create your goals individually and as a couple. I know a lot of us have been in relationships where we lose ourselves completely, and, um, and so once you've gone through a huge breakup or divorce, you understand how important it is to keep some sense of yourself, you know. So always have your personal goals and then create those, you know, those couple goals that it kind of, you know, will align you as a couple and help you work on building a future together. You know, that's fine to do as well, but remember yourself first. Commit to the relationship. You have to understand that, you know, you have to be all in. I understand that she had a relationship that didn't work out before, you've been divorced, but you need to leave that where it is. You need to stay focused on the relationship that you have now, and you owe it to yourself to give that relationship your full energy. You have to learn how to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you made in the past and to not hold your current partner to unrealistic expectations. That's a huge thing. So that whole don't sweat the small stuff, that really— yeah. Important when you want to have, you know, a healthy long-term relationship. And then you have to, you know, you have to do things like you have to value each other's goals, dreams, each other's privacy. You have to also continue to date each other and understand how important that is to keep intimacy and that romance alive. And then you need to—

Right.

Get to know that, like, get to know that person. I always recommend that book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Understand what it takes for you to feel loved and cared about and supported, and then also, you know, read that book with your partner. Understand what it takes to keep that person, you know, feeling loved and respected and cherished. And always, always assess where you are in the relationship. And don't feel like, you know, that everything's going fine when you haven't checked in with your partner. And the last step in this— and I want you to read that whole article because it's chock-full of good information, but I'm giving you the overview. Again, I'm a big proponent of seeking counseling. You can go to premarital counseling even if you don't have a plan for an engagement Right, well, that is fabulous, and I'm hoping that's my side versus your side.

Can you hear me?

Yes.

Okay, all right, I'm— it just kind of like all of a sudden just got very garbly for a second, but I absolutely love that. And yes, I mean, talk about— I mean, just that content alone of really finding long-term love is just fabulous. And I just want to make sure everybody, please go to her website, myloveforwriting.com. Shannon is going to be part of the Scandal Made Me Famous premiere on the Real Z Channel, November 19th at 9 PM. And it's all about, well, it's relating to her short film, Marital Rape Is Real. So please go to myloveforwriting.com, follow her on Facebook and Twitter, LinkedIn with her. You can email her should you wanna talk. And where can we find that article that you just mentioned? We have about 20 seconds. Where's that article you just mentioned?

This is on, I think the post, and that's on my blog. Called 10 Steps to a Lasting Relationship.

Okay, I'm not sure, Deborah, were you able to hear that on your side? Maybe it's mine. If not, Shannon, can you post it on our Shannon the Bitch page, if you would? Okay, all right, yeah, we're having some technical problems all of a sudden in the last minute of the program. I want to thank you. I know I can't really hear you, but I want to thank you so so much. And oh good, Deborah can't hear it. But so you should have heard it, everybody. So take advantage of that, re-listen to this audio because it was awesome, all the tips and advice that Shannon provided. And next week we have another fabulous, unbelievable story you have got to listen to. We're going to have Keisha, Keisha Fairman, Keisha, Lenore Fairman join us next week. And I'm telling you, I just met with her last week. It, it will blow your mind. So join us back here live, noon Eastern time, next Tuesday for another Shedding the Bitch episode. Thank you so much, Shannon, for your insights. It was fabulous.

Thank you.

Yeah, you too. Oh, I don't want that one.

Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.