How to Level-Up, Not Man-Up!

Ladies, raise your hand if you've ever been overlooked in the workplace, if you've ever had your ideas taken from you and someone else presents them and gets all the accolades and the applause. Maybe they've even asked the same question you just asked and yet was ignored, and again they got the applause. How about the fact that your assertiveness is perceived and even critical feedback provided back to you that it's actually abrasive or aggressive or bitchy? Raise your hand. I certainly have more times than I'd like to count on one hand, while at the same time have found over the years that it is not the responsibility, it is not the fault of the other people. However I walked away feeling from those situations, from those encounters, from those, uh, you know, experiences, that was all on me. And so what I really want to talk about today is As opposed to you feeling, well, I need to man up, I need to get aggressive, I need to, you know, combat that behavior and that treatment of yourself by doing the same or even worse. Well, I want to shut that down really fast and let you know, because if you know my story at all, um, I'm here to tell you it will backfire on you. And it is not— it is not the way you want to go about being a leader. And so today we're going to talk about some tips and strategies. I'm going to share a little bit about my story and the lessons I took away from it that turned into these tips and strategies so that you can actually take ownership, take responsibility, take control of how you are perceived, but more so how you just show up each and every day in the workplace, because that in itself will get you the success that you're looking for at work and in your life. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Shading the Corporate Bitch, the podcast that transforms female corporate executives into powerhouse leaders by showing them how to shed the challenges and overwhelm along with any fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negativity holding them back. I'm your host, Bernadette Boas of Fall of Fire Coaching, bringing you powerhouse discussions each week to share tips, advice, and sometimes tough love so you create the riches in your work and life you deserve. Let's do this. As an executive leadership coach, I'm often asked, especially from women, if they need to man up or get a lot more aggressive than they are in order to be successful, in order to be heard, in order to get what they want. And my first question and my first response to that is often, why do you feel you have to? What is happening around you, or, or what you're perceiving as to you, that is causing you to think you need to change who you are? And you need to change your approach, as opposed to possibly, possibly that it's the other person's behavior that really isn't, isn't working for them. And yet the way you're responding and then the way you're allowing it to affect you is actually kind of shooting you in the foot and not necessarily them. Now, we're not looking to shoot anybody in the foot. Um, instead, what we're looking for is for you to recognize within yourself as to those situations and those reasons for those situations that you're feeling as if you need to change who you are in order to be assertive, in order to get what you want, in order to, um, have influence and to be perceived as a leader. And my story very quickly is the fact that I went down the path of not necessarily manning up, but I went down the path of recognizing in others that the nastier they were to certain people, the more that they got. And so, and this was early, this was, you know, while I was in college, let alone out of college and in the workplace. And so I saw that certain behaviors, certain aggressiveness, certain, um, rudeness kind of made other people listen and, you know, pay attention and then give them what they want, right, wrong, or indifferent. That is how I was, you know, taking all those experiences in. I was witnessing the outcome, and because my desire my, you know, my ambitions were power, position, and prosperity. I saw that they got what I wanted as a result of that behavior, and therefore maybe it'll work for me. So that's kind of the path that I took as I went into and through my corporate career. But let me just flat out tell you right now, it did land me up in a parking lot with a pink slip in my hand. After 25 years of loyalty, dedication, hard work. However, the lesson that I really walked away with was the, the style of leadership, if you want to call it leadership, the style of leadership was not and is not, especially today, what other leaders and businesses are looking for. And so I no longer fit. And therefore I had to go. And there I went. So that though, that experience and that opportunity to sit, sit and reflect and figure out what just happened, why am I standing in this middle of the parking lot with a pink slip in my hand, allowed me to really kind of extract out some really key lessons that I walked away with that then I kind of flipped on their head to turn into, uh, tips and strategies I started using to find what it was that I truly wanted out of my work and my life, and what were those steps that I needed to take in order to do so. And that's what I want to share with you as well, uh, today. So the first one that— the first lesson that I definitely walked away with when I started considering, once I was out of the corporate environment, started considering how I showed up, how I presented myself each and every day, the moment I walked into the, you know, into the office or picked up the phone or got in front of an employee, a boss, or even a customer. And I realized that I pretty much was operating as a robot. You know, I'm, you know, definitely aging myself by going back to like the '80s and the '90s. But during those times, the whole attitude and approach to employees showing up at work is you leave your baggage at the door. Whatever is going on in your personal life, you know, doesn't, doesn't impact what you need to be doing for us within the work environment. And therefore, leave all your baggage at the door, and, you know, we don't want to see it, hear it, feel it, anything. And it should not be affecting and impacting you. Well, come to learn, uh, very hard that that absolutely, absolutely is not the case. And as a matter of fact, more and more, especially nowadays, uh, you know, the demands of the younger generations thankfully, is that they want to show up as themselves. They want a work-life blend. They want a lifestyle for both their career and their personal life to where they are just authentically themselves. So my first lesson was we're not robots. And therefore, as a leader, not only for yourself but for your people, you need to recognize that yourself. It is You're not a robot, and what is going on outside of the workplace is absolutely affecting how you show up in the workplace. And so it is true for your people as well. So this is where you need to kind of find grace, and you need to find empathy and compassion and patience and kindness and humility that we all have our junk. We all have our bitches, and therefore you want to ensure that, um, you're, you know, keeping that in mind, not only for yourself but for your people, that you're not robots. And therefore, uh, you need to kind of tap into that and recognize that, uh, in yourself and in other people when they need something, they need support, they need help, uh, they need some grace. All right, the other lesson I learned is that I certainly strayed significantly from who I was as a teenager into, you know, my college years, to when I kind of took on this idea that I could get what I want by just, you know, with an iron fist. And so the, the next lesson that I learned was just that all I had to do is be me, that I was already good enough, that I already had what I needed in order to be successful. I didn't need to take on anybody else's junk or anybody else's behaviors or anybody else's ideas of what worked or what didn't work. I just had to be me. Now, that is a— that's easier said than done, is really, really knowing who you are. And we're going to talk about that when I give you some tips. Based on these lessons learned. Okay, the next one would be the fact that you also need to truly believe you already belong, you already fit. You got that job and that position for a reason. You're given this, this role and these responsibilities for a reason. And if you're not sure what those reasons are, or you don't believe in them, you doubt yourself around them, then that's the work that you need to be doing because you already fit, you already belong, you already have what it takes to be successful. You just need to then believe in that. Okay. The other lesson that I learned too is that you don't want to hold back. You know, there's so many women and men that I'll speak to. And, you know, as a result of my— the work that I do, and they'll sit there as if they're expecting someone to come along and tap them on the shoulder for that next opportunity, for that next advancement, for that next project. And they feel as if, well, they don't necessarily have to put themselves out there. They don't have to take those risks. They just do a good job. They show up and they'll be recognized for that. Well, that— it doesn't happen that way. We all wish it would, but it doesn't happen that way. You have to kind of put yourself out there. You can't hold back. If you, you know, want something and you seize an opportunity, you need to go in and ask for it. If there's an issue that you have a great solution for and no one else is bringing it up or presenting it or discussing it, then you need to kind of put yourself out there, not hold back, and you need to go and present that. Now, of course, we already mentioned that there's a lot of risk to the— to those things. Oh, well, you know, I'll bring it up and no one will hear it, and then someone else will take my idea and they'll bring it up and they'll get the credit for it. Well, that brings me to the next two lessons I've learned. One of them is to shake it off. Those things are going to happen. Because keep in mind something, as insecure or feel doubting yourself or feeling not good enough or that you don't fit in that you're feeling, so are other people. So are those other people in the same room as you are. And therefore they're going to do things because the next lesson is desperation reeks. And that mean— meaning if is if they're that desperate that they have to steal someone's idea, if they're that desperate to take the credit for something, if they're that desperate to, you know, stab you in the back or stab someone else in the back to get what they want, well, just shake it off and let them do it because they'll eventually get called out on it. You do not want to all of a sudden mirror that. You don't all of a sudden want to, you know, kind of act in that same way. They'll get, they'll get called out on it eventually. I got called out on it eventually. Took a long time, mind you, but I got called out and called out on it eventually. So you don't want to necessarily— you don't want to hold back. You don't want your desperation, your, your anxiety. Some people might interpret it as, well, I'm just passionate about wanting to solve this problem or get this new opportunity or get promoted or, or to make more money. And yet your passion, what you're perceiving as passion, may be projected in your behavior, in your actions, in your words, in a way that reeks desperation from other people. This was probably one of the biggest lessons I've learned since leaving corporate and taking on my own business. And obviously, taking on your own business, you have to go out and sell yourself. You have to go out and find the work that you're accustomed to somebody else finding for you when you work in corporate. And so I often found myself for a number of years so desperate and anxious about building my roster of clients that I knew— well, eventually I knew that my behavior, my actions, my words reflected that desperation. And it reeked to anyone that I came around. And so there was no wonder that, you know, the phones went quiet, or I got a no, or I didn't get— I got ghosted and didn't get any kind of response. Because any behavior, any actions, any words that one is using and one is projecting from their insecurity, their doubt, their fear, their desperation, their anxiety, their stress, their lack of self-belief or self-worth. That is definitely almost, you know, like a perfume where other people pick up on it, and it's a, it's a major kind of, uh, you know, barrier toward what it is that you really want. So be you. Know you already fit in, you already belong. Don't hold back. Shake it off. I'm going to come back to that, actually. And You know, desperation reeks, so minimize that odor, okay? But going back to Shake It Off just for a second is you just have to— if you're truly being yourself and you understand who you are and what your values are and what's important to you, what you believe in and what you want and don't want and all of those things, then you don't have to take on in a negative way the, the response, especially a negative, ugly response, of the behaviors of someone else. So that person who stole your idea or asked that same question, uh, that you had asked without ever recognizing or acknowledging you, that person who is kind of backstabbing or maybe gossiping or creating drama of any kind, you don't need to take that on. You could just kind of, you know, shake it off, wipe it off. Just don't take it on as if that is a reflection of you. It's actually a reflection of them, and let it reflect on them. Don't let it reflect on you. So just shake those things off and continue showing up the way you want to show up, because when you don't when you don't shake it off and when you take it on and all of a sudden you're playing the woe is me. That's the next lesson, is that you don't want to play a victim. You don't want to live in that. That's like such an ugly place to live. Yes, it seems comfortable, it seems easy, it seems like a, a way to justify your insecurity, justify you not wanting to take that risk, you know, holding back. Uh, really not knowing who you are, it's much easier for people to go, oh well, it's because he's a dude, or it's because, you know, I don't have a college degree, or it's because of this, or it's because of that, or this person or that person, or I wasn't in the right place at the right time. That's all just excuses, excuses, excuses, excuses, deflecting any type of consideration easy, simple consideration of, hmm, I wonder if there was something I could have done differently. I wonder if I should have said something in a different way. I wonder if I should have asked a different question, or I should have, you know, uh, approached a different person about something. So immediately, as you take on the victim role, you immediately shut down any sense of responsibility and consideration of your role in whatever, you know, encounter, experience, or, uh, situation happened to you. And, you know, the way you're going to kind of, um, succeed in just being you— not manning up, not playing a victim, not getting aggressive, just being you, confident, assertive, courageous, and brave— is simply taking on the responsibility of what is happening to you and figuring out what needs to, to be different, what needs to change, what needs to be new, whatever the case might be. So don't play the victim. And the best outcome of not playing the victim is now you're taking complete control, which is my next lesson. You're taking complete control of what is happening to you or what could happen. Or what opportunities are out there for you. Excuse me. So by taking responsibility, by taking ownership, by taking accountability, uh, and not playing the victim, you're actually then controlling your own destiny. And what better position do any of us ever want to be in than having complete control over what is happening to us? Now, are there external factors that play into what is happening to us. Absolutely, absolutely. And you know, the one thing you just need to do is look at what can you control, what is in your control, and therefore what can I do about it. And then look at what is out of my control. So for instance, say you go and you do ask and you do step, you know, step up and you don't hold back in asking for that promotion, and You go in, you're well prepared, you're well versed in what it is that, you know, you want to share with them, what your accomplishments are, how you can fit and, and, you know, be the perfect fit for this, you know, opportunity. And you do, you know, what you need to do, and you walk out, you feel good about yourself. You question because obviously it's a, you know, it's a process, but your job is done. You've done everything that you can you can control. After that, it's out of your control. You don't know what's in the heads and the minds and the decision-making process of the people, the people that are, you know, still to come as candidates, and/or those decision-makers in a room who are deciding who, you know, who will get this position. At that point, it's out of your control. And so, as opposed to, you know, taking all that weight on just get comfortable recognizing what you can control and what you can't control. And that will kind of save you so much sanity. Um, and, you know, and breath in your world. Uh, and, you know, and, and you'll stop being so desperate to where it's reeking, uh, because you're— you've done everything that you've made note and thought about intentionally and considered as to what you can control. And after that, it's up to, you know, other people, other places, other factors, other environments, whatever the case might be. All right. So take control by taking responsibility. But how do you do all that? You might be saying, oh, well, Bernadette, that sounds easy. Simple enough. Be me. Don't hold back. You know, don't let desperation wreak. Shake it off. That sounds, you know, really nice. But how do I actually go about doing it? Well, first off, we're going to kind of complement the lessons with the tips and strategies, okay? Around the fact of you're not a robot— that was the first lesson— and just be you— that was the second lesson— is really figuring out who you are. That was the one big journey I had to go on when I did, you know, land up in that parking lot with a pink slip in my hand. I had to all of a sudden say, oh my gosh, you know, like, who am I? I just lost my complete identity for the last 25 years. So who, who am I? Who do I truly, truly want to be? Obviously, that person who I was didn't work for me, you know. It didn't, you know, kind of get me to that next goal and ambition that I had from a corporate perspective. It landed me in a parking lot. So why Uh, you know, and who is it that I was? Who is it that I want to be? Um, what is it I want? What is it I don't want? So around the subject about being you and really understanding who you are is you might want to do a self-assessment. Now there's a lot of formal assessments. You can even reach out to me at BernadetteBoas@BallOfFireInc.com and I can send you a self-assessment. Um, but at the same time, it's as simple as grab a journal. Okay, this is one of my many journals. Grab a journal and start just listing out. You can start with questions that you can then, you know, answer, or you could just start, you know, story writing about who you are currently and who you want to be. You might look back on who you have been. Um, and then you might look at where the gap is. So what are some of those questions? Well, who am I? Now, you know, people will sit there and say, well, I'm a— you know, I'll, I'll use me. Well, I'm a 61-year-old female living in Atlanta, Georgia. I'm an executive leadership coach and trainer. I own my own business. You know, all the kind of the demographic, geographic, psychographic type of information. And that's all fine and good if that's a comfortable kind of platform to start on. But what you're really looking for is to dig deep. I call it excavate your soul. Dig deep to understand who are you, what are your values, what are your beliefs, what are the absolutes that you want in your life, you'll accept in your life, you won't accept in your life. You know, what are those? What, you know, what are those things you want? What are those things you don't want? And the what can even be people, places, and things. So what is the type of relationships you want? What is the type of work that you want to be doing? What is the, you know, legacy you want to kind of leave behind or build for when you, you know, leave it behind? What is it that you really want out of this one life that you have that goes really, really fast? So you can start there and/or you can, you know, start searching online for self-assessments around certain subject matters. Maybe it is around more work-related— your leadership, your communication, your relationship building, whatever the case might be. Um, so you can, you know, just learn about you in all of your beauty and understand, you know, where are you now, where do you want to be, and what is that gap to where you can start building a plan toward, um, that gap, working on that gap. All right, so learn about you. Now the other thing too, and the big one when it comes to this whole conversation, and the reason why women ask me, you know, do I have to man up, do I have to get aggressive, do I have to combat, you know, the same type of behavior that other people are projecting around me, is also because the lack of confidence that they feel about themselves, about their capabilities, about their talents and their skills, about them belonging, about them deserving the role and the position that they have. And the number one thing, and the simplest— it might make you uncomfortable, it might make you uncomfortable— but the simplest thing that you could be doing to gain confidence is simply do. Take one action, do one thing each day that isn't the most comfortable for you, that isn't the most, you know, kind of routine type of behavior or type of practice that you, that you put into place. And just do one thing a day that can challenge your current state of confidence, but yet prove to yourself, even if you mess up the first time, the second time, the third time, you keep doing it, and obviously, you know, all of a sudden you're gaining some consistency, you're gaining some confidence, you're gaining some success from what those things that you're doing. So the easiest way to gain confidence is simply by doing each and every day, and that requires you to be brave, courageous, uh, and you know, those sound like really big words, like, or, you know, I'm not brave, I'm not courageous. My sister happened to, uh, say that to me, I don't know, 4 or 5 years ago. She's like, you're one of the bravest people I know. And I was like, what? Like, I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, but I never kind of considered it for myself. And she's like, you just take risks, you just do things that, you know, most of us— and she's predominantly talking about our siblings, you know, most of us wouldn't even consider doing, whether it's, you know, work-related or, or personal. And she's like, and, you know, you're— I just find you to be so brave. So don't blow those words out of proportion like I did. Um, consider what that really means, and it simply means that you are willing to get uncomfortable. You're willing to step out of, you know, what might be easy and take some risks. And risks isn't this huge thing either. It could be just a small risk. It could be the fact that— and one of the tips I wanted to give you was simply ask questions. If there's one, one tip and one kind of exercise I give my clients when they're dealing with some confidence issues, especially if they work in a male-dominating, you know, area, industry, team, and they're like working to want to assert themselves and be brave and feel more confident, I'll say to them, I'll say, look, there is no such thing— it's very cliché, but there's no such thing as a bad question. And so ask it. And if you don't ask it for yourself, ask it for other people in the room who also may have that question and are just as insecure as you are in wanting to ask it. Like, don't care how other people respond to you asking that question. Like, don't care. Who cares? If you have a question, ask it. Be brave, be courageous. All right? And that, you know, and right there, asking a question doesn't have to be this kind of astronomical huge risk that you're taking. It's simply asking a question. Now, could somebody come back and go, like, really? Really, Bernadette, you don't understand that? And you simply say no. You simply say no and let them look like the fool. Let them look like the bully or the idiot. So ask a question is the— so every time, like every day we have meetings, right? You know, there's— in every meeting you have an opportunity to ask a question. In every meeting. Just make something, you know, make something up if you don't have a legitimate question. Like, if you really truly don't have a question, just ask a question and get comfortable with putting yourself into that position. And, you know, kind of risking the fact that other people might be like, you don't know that. Trust me when I say that person who responds like that doesn't know, and they're masking their own insecurity and actually their own thrill that you actually asked the question for them. Trust me when I say you're going to find that more often than you're going to find that person who really is, say, like, questioning whether or not, um, you know, you're asking a silly question or not. Just ask it. All right, the other one too, I would say, is, um, seek a mentor. Uh, you know, mentor, again, it doesn't have to be anything formal or just this big thing. It's find someone who's where you want to be and where you're working toward and who you respect and who you trust and ask them if they would mentor you and come up with whatever that looks like, formal or informal, but don't go it alone. Be sure to find that person or persons. I've had a mentor. I think my very, very, very first mentor was my second grade Catholic school teacher, Sister Claire. She was my very first, what I would consider a mentor, someone who took me aside and looked out for me and let me ask them questions and kind of comforted me or guided me, you know, in, in the world of second graders. But she was my first mentor, and I have had mentors my entire life. Work and personal. So seek out a mentor, but at the same time, find that posse of, of people around you— male, female, higher level, lower level, equal level, um, small group, big group, whatever the case might be— but find a posse of people that you could be supporting one another. If you're at a level others want to be at, help them come up to your level. If you know, you, you are with your peers and you're all working toward, or some of you are working toward, you know, advancing, help each other. Don't be desperate because remember it reeks. Just work toward helping each other. And then at the same time, if you are, you know, working toward that next level, find the people up there that can mentor you or guide you or support you in your journey. But we all need our posse. We all need our tribe. And so find those people that you can lean on and that you can be there for them, they could be there for you. All right. And then of course, all of this kind of, uh, encapsulates itself into you having your— a plan or your goals. Of course you have goals at work, and I can't tell you how often I come up against Yes, I have goals, but they're all the business metrics that are passed down from senior management all the way down to an individual. And I'll say, okay, so what personal goals do you have, or what personal leadership goals do you have on the soft skills, on the soft side of things, not just the quantitative business metrics? And, you know, 9 out of 10 times I get, well, we don't, I don't. So have your goals personally and professionally. That can all tie back to the work you want to do about learning about yourself, gaining confidence by doing, asking questions, seeking a mentor, supporting each other. Turn those into goals. Turn those into your personal leadership life goals. And you'll be amazed that once you kind of turn them into SMART goals, you know, which is specific, measurable, actionable, relevant, uh, time-bound, and you— that's SMARTY, that Y makes it you, um, you know, once you have that, that'll give you clarity and focus and confidence to then being yourself, not manning up, not getting aggressive, not, you know, mirroring other behaviors that you think are working for them when, trust me when I say, they are not working for them. Okay. So the lessons were to be you, know you already fit in, don't hold back, desperation reeks, shake it off, don't play the victim, take control by taking responsibility, and do that by those, those other tips and strategies I just mentioned, which I'll repeat: learn about you, gain confidence by doing, ask questions, seek a mentor, support one another, and have a set of plans or goals for yourself, and personally and professionally. And trust me when I say you will achieve the success that you want by just simply being you. All right. So should you need any assistance, any help, and you want to, uh, kind of put together your own plan for how you can, uh, learn about you and find that mentor, build that network, ask those questions, you know, take those daily actions. Feel free to reach out and let's book a call. Go to coachmebernadette.com/discoverycall. Let's have a conversation and get you a plan for moving forward so you can be the powerhouse leader you are meant to be. I am so thrilled that you were here this week, and I'll look forward to having you right back here next week for another episode of Shedding the Corporate Bitch. Thanks and bye!