How Your Emotional Pace Shapes Trust, Stress, and Outcomes

When your team walks into a room you're in, do their nervous systems settle or do they brace for impact? Every leader carries an invisible metronome. It ticks through every meeting, every tough conversation, every crisis. Most leaders don't even realize it's there, but your team does. They feel it in your tone. Your reactions, your timing, and your pace. I recently heard Mel Robbins describe it this way. Leaders bring the weather. Your energy sets the tone for your team. If you're frustrated and storming around, your people feel the downpour. As a leader, the forecast starts with you. And then I also read a quote from a Harvard psychologist, Daniel Goleman, who Leaders set emotional thermostats, not just strategic direction. So we're talking about a competency that rarely shows up on leadership assessments, yet shapes nearly every moment of influence you have. And that is emotional pacing, the speed and intensity of your emotional responses, which quietly determines whether people trust you, follow you, or panic under you. If you can master emotional pacing, you change not just the way you lead, but the way people perform around you. You're gonna learn why human nervous systems are wired to mirror the emotional tempo of the person in charge, how subtle mismatches wreck credibility, and how to consciously adjust your pace so you lead teams through uncertainty without adding fuel to the fire. Let's tune in to the pace we want to create versus the pace we're creating.

Welcome to Shedding the Corporate Bitch, the podcast that transforms today's managers into tomorrow's powerhouse leaders. Your host, Bernadette Boas, executive coach and author, brings you into a world where the corporate grind meets personal growth and success in each and every episode. Let's do this.

For many years, I was often told that when I entered a room, it was like a tornado storming through. Others commented my level of energy was just absolutely exhausting to them, personally and professionally, let alone the sudden thrust of reactions or decisions I threw at them. It took a long time for me to really understand about emotional pace, the tempo at which you respond verbally, physically, emotionally to any type of an event. To any type of conversation, to any type of decision that needs to be made, or any crisis that might be happening around you. Mine was high energy and forceful, and the impact on others was either motivating or detrimental. Now, emotional pacing is not about suppressing your emotions. It's simply about aligning your emotional tempo with the environment, the desired outcome that you have, or whatever is at stake. In the situation that you're dealing with at work or in your life. And if the situation is critical or chaotic, everyone around a leader will respond to the pace that they are creating, which is why it is key for leaders to recognize the pace they need to maximize the outcomes they're looking for. Let's look at some statistics. A 2019 Yale study found that leaders' emotional tone predicted team stress levels even more accurately than their workload. And leaders who consciously modulate their voice tempo are rated 33% more, more credible in their communication assessments. A Stanford stress research study shows that overreaction reduces cognitive bandwidth in teams by as much as 40% during uncertainty. And teams with leaders who underreact were 27% slower to take corrective action. And lastly, Gallup reports teams with emotionally expressive leaders see 21% higher engagement. Emotional pace determines your success or your struggle, as well as your team's stress level or high satisfaction in their work and the job. So keep in mind, everyone on your team is unique and possesses a distinct style that they perform in and that they'll be optimized in. And therefore, you need to be able to adjust or modulate your approach, your emotional pace, in order for them to lean in versus lean back. And one cautionary thing is Your team may adapt to your pace, but is it productive? Is it effective? Is it efficient for them to perform at their peak, which should be your desired goal, is for them to work at their best. And therefore, should they adapt to your lack of self-awareness in regards to your emotional pace, or should you adapt to ensure that you recognize what their pace is Is it slow? Is it fast? Is it intentional? Is it reactionary? And by doing so, by adapting your style to them, you can bring out the best in them so that they perform at their highest level. So it's critical for you to both, one, pay attention to each individual on your team, or even key stakeholders around you. To understand how they need you to approach them, to respond to them, to support them and meet them where they are. So then that way, that way everyone is in a win-win situation. Now, if you're a manager who says, well, no, they need to adapt to me, I'm the boss. Well, you may be a boss, but you're not being a leader. A leader recognizes to make, to bring out the best in their people, they need to understand them. They need to adapt to them and they need to give them the, the tools, the resources, and the emotional pace that will allow them to accelerate and to succeed. What examples can you think of? It's probably easier for you to consider other people versus yourself, so Some people will have difficulty really recognizing that they're the ones creating a pace that might not be suitable to other people. So let's first look at other people who might have an effect on you in a negative and/or positive way based on the pace that they are creating, based on the emotions, the reactions, the calmness, whatever their pace is and how you respond to it. So you might have someone who is very direct, very dictatorial, very— some people might call them a more of a bully boss, and they're just giving out demands and it's very forthright and it's very abrupt and extremely fast-paced. And how do you respond to that? Are you someone who is accustomed to that because maybe you have similar attributes of that style, fast-paced? Direct, bulleted, or are you more of a slow-paced individual, someone who wants more detail, someone who needs more explanation, someone who, you know, needs to be more intentional about making decisions or coming up with the next step? And therefore, how would, how do you emotionally respond to it? And if you're responding in such a way that says, well, I don't like it. It doesn't, you know, it doesn't help me. It stresses me out. It makes me feel overwhelmed. It makes me feel unstable. It doesn't provide a lot of trust in that individual that they're looking out for my wellbeing and my best interest and my success in my role, because they're not necessarily meeting me where where I am, then you will understand the impact that one's emotional pace has on you, but then has on other people as well. So now you can look inward and you could say to yourself, like I had to, all right, I'm often described as a tornado, or I'm told that, you know, I exhaust individuals personally and professionally, as I mentioned. And therefore, what exactly does that mean? And more so, not only what it means, but what is the experience it is creating for other people? There's a lot of cost or a lot of impact to not tapping into the emotional pace you're creating. If one overreacts to situations, to difficult conversations, to hard decisions, to a lack of control. That they feel, then they're gonna create a sense of panic around them. They're gonna create fear. They're gonna create stress. And as a result of that, what I'd mentioned before about the cognitive bandwidth decreasing when individuals overreact, when a leader overreacts, team members' cognitive bandwidth decreases, it really means that they feel very unsure. They don't have any confidence in what it is that needs to be done or what decisions are being made, maybe very rashly, or they, or they don't feel that they can trust that if they were to go and act on whatever it is that their leader is directing them to do, that they're going to have their back. So there's a lot of stress and a lack of trust that is built when someone overreacts. When someone underreacts, that creates also a sense of distrust or the impression that it's not important. They're not important. That the issue isn't critical. That you may feel is very important and is very critical, and they just seem to be nonchalant about it. And therefore a degree of distrust is built. Why don't they have my back? Why don't they take this more seriously? Why don't they know that this is a great idea or that this is a huge risk? Why are they so calm about it? And it could be creating a sense of they're withholding information. Maybe they know more than they're, they're telling. Maybe they just have totally checked out. From their role and responsibility, and therefore they're kind of leaving it up to everybody else to pick up the slack or to deal with the issues or challenges. That's why I mentioned earlier that under-reactive leaders were 27% slower in creating corrective actions, in taking corrective action. And therefore you really need to give a lot of thought to exactly the pace you wanna be creating. For example, I watched a brilliant vice president lose half of her high-performing employees in less than 9 months because she treated every crisis like it was nothing. Very nonchalant, very calm, cool, and collected. And the team felt like they were being gaslit, not supported at all, especially when it impacted them directly or personally, not just as a team. So emotional pacing is about, it's about being proportionate, modulating how you respond to situations so you get the best outcome that you need from the people around you. And so somewhere between overreacting and underreacting is critical. Finding that sweet spot, and it, it's going to be by situation, by conversation, by decision, by any event that might be going on. It won't be an overall because some situations require a certain pace while other situations require a whole different level of pace. It's your job as a leader to be very adaptable, very fluid, very flexible in knowing what situation, what conversation, what decision, what event requires you to be X, Y, or Z. So give that some thought. Consider all the different scenarios that you deal with in the workplace, and then take those scenarios that you deal with in the workplace and look at your team members. And if you're not sure what your team member's pace is or what their style is, what they need from a communication perspective, what they need from a crisis perspective from their leader, what they need from a feedback and critical insights from you, then ask them. Then simply ask them. Now, there's a lot of other things that you could be doing. We'll discuss that in a few minutes. But just simply ask, because again, it's your job as a leader to meet them where they are. It's not productive and it won't make you successful by you expecting that they are gonna adapt to you. Yes, they will if they're forced to. They will mirror your pace, but is that going to get you the results that you want? And not just the hard business metric results that you can check off a list, but more so, does that make them successful, you successful, and the business successful? Because if there's only one of those three that are going to achieve their goals and be successful, then you're, you've failed as a leader, plain and simple. Let's walk through some examples of effective emotional pacing. One scenario could be you have to, you have breaking news that is difficult, that is hard, that is going to have an impact on your team members, if not all, some of them. And what you first want to do is you want to acknowledge the emotions very openly. You just don't want to put a spotlight on them, meaning you don't want to exasperate the discussion around the emotions. You simply want to calmly, in a very balanced pace and tone, to express what the difficult news is and even verbalize the emotions that they're going to feel as a result of it. For example, this is a setback and it's appropriate for you to feel frustrated or concerned. Here's what we know and here's what we're going to do next. With that type of pace, with that type of tone, that balance, your team is going to feel supported, comforted. You have their back. You have a plan. So they can trust that you know that this is a difficult situation as well, and that it's gonna create frustration, fear, you know, insecurity. Whatever the case might be. And yet you're disclosing with them kind of what, what the status of this situation is and what you're going to do next. So as much as they may not like the news, they're going to at least feel more comforted that there's a plan in place and that you're going to get through it. Now, say that there's reasons to be celebrating, and yet some managers, maybe your own manager, isn't big on really celebrating and getting excited and pumping up the team and acknowledging and recognizing, giving praise to individuals. Well, by not creating energy around a celebration, it creates a very flat culture. It creates a culture where individuals don't feel valued and appreciated. And feel as if, okay, what are you going to do for me now? If all of a sudden there was this great success story and there was no celebration around it and, and you just expect them to do it again and again and again. So what you want to do here is you want to elevate your enthusiasm. You want to elevate your energy. You want to elevate the recognition and appreciation that you express to your team. Now, you could be a more slow-paced, introverted leader. Yet at the same time, you can adapt your own style to, to elevate that enthusiasm, elevate that energy, elevate that appreciation, elevate the expression of your appreciation. And remember, Gallup estimated that emotionally expressive leaders see 21% higher engagement from their teams as a result. Set your pace to the appropriate situation or event. In this case, it's a celebration. Mirror that. Make sure that that celebration is then created in such a way that everyone around you feels that expression from you to be genuine and authentic. What do you do when you have a high-pressure decision to be made? We don't want to overreact. We don't want to underreact. What we want to do is first, I would always coach my clients, pause, take a moment to consider the situation, the pros and the cons, the what-ifs, the what can we do, all the scenarios. Pause before making that decision. And recognizing that by taking that pause, you are setting a tone or a pace for your team to feel more calm and to stabilize their own nervous systems or their own emotional response as a result that you're not gonna haphazardly, rashly jump into a decision that could have a direct impact to them personally and professionally. So when there's hard decisions to be made, when there's hard conversations to be had, you simply want to pause and be very intentional and put a lot of attention to how you want to approach and respond to that decision or that situation. And then lastly, we definitely need to talk about difficult conversations or conflict that might be had. So difficult conversations, difficult agreements. Can be handled very appropriately by looking at it not personally, but behaviorally. What you wanna do with any type of conflict or disagreement or confrontation, you wanna put the focus on the conflict, on the disagreement, on the behavior, not on the person. So you don't wanna go after the integrity of their character. You want to address whatever the behavior or the situation or event is that needs to be dealt with. Your emotional pace, your tone, your approach, your energy will determine in a positive or negative way how people respond. And as leaders, we want them to respond in a way that they trust us, they feel safe, they feel secure and stable, they feel confident, they feel very certain about what it is that they're supposed to be doing day in and day out. And when something goes astray and maybe they're not doing any one of those things, then our emotional pace and our tone will also be very steady, very supportive while at the same time pointing out the bad news or the bad decision or the conflict that was created. Your emotional pace will determine how your team responds. You will want them to respond in a way that makes them as productive and effective as possible for you. So then everyone is achieving their goals. They're performing their roles very productively and everyone succeeds together. Let's talk about some techniques that you can use in order to both identify your emotional pace and how people respond and how you can manage and modulate your pace to specific situations that you might have. We already talked about how you can pay attention to your own emotional pace and how people are responding to it, as well as getting to know your people and their styles and how they want to receive information, how they want to receive critical feedback, how they want to make decisions overall, how, how can, and therefore, how do you need to adapt to them? So we talked about that, and that is just a matter of having a conversation with your team members. How do you want to be communicated? How do you not want to be communicated? What energizes you? What stresses you out? What is it that I am doing that I can do differently in order to bring the best out of you? That simple conversations that will elevate your leadership effectiveness tremendously. Now, the other one would be when it comes to potentially overreacting or even underreacting. And that would be to pause. We talked about that. So we talked about decision-making, but when it comes to anything that you need to do to ensure that your emotional pace is going to align to the outcome you're looking for is to simply pause. Take one deep breath before you act, before you react. Take a deep breath. Inhale and hold it for like 2 or 3 seconds. Create a buffer between you and the action that needs to take place between you and your initial emotional response that you are going to have. And it gives you that buffer to then consider, am I in the right headspace? Mentally, physically, emotionally, to then handle this situation, this decision effectively, and bring everyone individually or collectively to the outcome that you're looking for. A third one would be focus on your voice and physical pacing in every situation. For example, when I'm here talking with you, or I'm on a Zoom session with one of my clients, I ensure that I am very aware, I'm very conscious of how I'm coming across, how I'm positioned, how I'm responding, whether with my hands or my facial gestures or my voice, what the tone of my voice is, what the speed of my voice is, and adjusting it to the individual or group of individuals that are in front of me. And so if you can practice paying attention to the pace you use in your voice and your physical being in various situations, in various climates or environments, in various setups with individuals or groups of individuals, you can start to identify even more so than what we originally talked about, identify how you need to adjust your voice and your physical presence or your pace. If you rushing into a room and yet everybody in the room all of a sudden sits up straight or, you know, backs away in their chairs, you wanna pay attention to all those cues so you know the experience you're creating for those around you. And you want to intentionally control the gestures, the, the level of your voice, the physical presence that you're projecting. You want to intentionally control that. So then again, you can create that voice and body tempo that, that others will see as credible, as confident, and as supportive as a leader. Keep in mind, your people will pay attention to everything, and not only your people, but your peers and your senior leaders pay attention to everything about an individual, especially an individual that is a leader of a team, especially of an individual that is high potential and has opportunities going forward. They're paying attention to everything. You want to ensure that you're very conscious around how you are coming across to them. And if you're shaking your head like, well, I know, no, I can pretty much guarantee that you probably don't, because it's one of the top 3 things that I work with clients on, on a regular basis is they think they're coming across as in a certain way when others are asked about it, they get very contradictory or very contrary feedback that isn't aligned with how one's perceiving themselves. So pay attention and really get good at remaining conscious and very aware of what you're projecting and how you're projecting it. An important one, a very important one, is to pre-decide your tempo, is to pre-decide your pace, is to pre-decide the tone that you're going to use. For a predictable situation, for a conversation that you know is happening, for a meeting that's coming up. You can determine what, what it is and how it is you need to approach that. And various situations are gonna require various tones and various paces. And so you could pre-decide that. I'll have conversations with clients and they're going into a big leadership team meeting, maybe they're presenting to the board, maybe they have a big inner team meeting about a really critical situation or a critical initiative that's coming up. And I'll first ask them, all right, what is your intention for this meeting? What are the goals and the objectives? What is it that you wanna, you know, accomplish? What do you wanna walk away with? What do you want them to take away from this meeting? How do you want them to be perceiving whatever it is that you're, you're sharing with them? So let's talk about how you need to show up and how you need to present yourself and how you need to be as effective as, as possible in that specific situation that you are dealing with in order for everyone to have the outcome that's needed. By giving thought to what are those desired outcomes that you want for yourself and for those in attendance. Will help you define the pace of which you want to approach that situation. And then lastly, only because that's my job as a coach, is for you to do almost like a, a post-emotional audit. If there was a situation that you did determine and you did pre-decide the pace and the tone that you were going to be using, then to Assess yourself afterwards to see how effective you were, what worked, what didn't work, how did people respond, how did you feel it, you know, with that approach that you took, and then to reconcile all that to then make adjustments and either decide to continue doing a certain thing or to change it up and try something different. We gain self-awareness. By not only paying attention in the moment, but then assessing ourselves when that moment is over and that situation is past. To say, were we effective? If not, then what needs to be changed? If so, then what do I wanna continue doing? So forth and so on. As we wrap up, just reminders. Emotional pacing is a hidden amplifier of your leadership effectiveness. Emotional pacing. When your pace matches your desired outcome or the stakes at hand, then your team feels grounded. They feel creative, resilient, confident, stable. When it doesn't, they tend to drift toward anxiety, stress, disengagement, and overall ineffectiveness. So this skill is learnable, repeatable, and transformative if you were to not only start paying attention to how you're coming across and what your pace is, knowing what your team members need from you and meeting them where they are, and then self-assessing yourself or auditing yourself afterwards to ensure that you were effective and that everyone was supported through that situation or that event. So developing emotional pacing changes the culture more quietly than anything and more powerfully. And it will be something that as you adapt and shift and adjust, others may not speak about them recognizing the changes that you're making. However, their response and their, and their own shift in their performance and their job satisfaction will tell it all because you're gonna see it in the way your team members respond to you and your team members perform overall. Your team members don't just hear your words. They feel, they ride your emotional pace. They ride your rhythm. They ride your energy. And so you master the energy, you master the rhythm or the pace, and you master the room along with providing a foundation stability and confidence in your team to perform at their best. And that is a win-win for everyone. Wouldn't you agree? If today's episode got you thinking or even feeling about your leadership in a new way, then make sure that you like, follow, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. And don't keep this gem to yourself. Share it with your colleagues, friends, even your team members. And let's start a conversation that changes how leaders show up. If you need any specific tips, strategies, or an overall assessment of your own emotional pace, then also reach out to me and let's talk. You can go to coachmebernadette.com/discoverycall, and I'd be honored to help you become the powerhouse leader that you're meant to be. Until next time. Bye.

Thank you for tuning into today's episode of Shedding the Corporate Bitch. Every journey taken together is another step towards unleashing the powerhouse leader within you. Don't miss any of our weekly episodes. Subscribe to our podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you love to listen. And for those who thrive on visual content, catch us on our Shedding the Bitch YouTube channel. Want to dive deeper with Bernadette on becoming a powerhouse leader? Visit balloffirecoaching.com to learn more about how she helps professionals, HR executives, and team leaders elevate overall team performance. You've been listening to Shedding the Corporate Bitch with Bernadette Boas. Until next time, keep shedding, keep growing, and keep leading.