A woman turned down a corporate expatriate assignment to prioritize family, risking senior leaders' displeasure. She discusses why high-performers need to say no to opportunities that don't fit their goals, and how to prepare for that conversation without derailing your career.
Is there a personal story that you can share in regards to your own demotivation, you know, beyond what you had already explained, and then your decision-making around making that change?
I mean, I, you know, was one of those— very lucky, considered to be a high performer in my career, really motivated, loved what I did. And sort of promotions, you know, came after me, and I got pulled into different jobs and had this really wonderful corporate experience. And then, you know, one of the challenges I found was at some point, corporations that do it right have this great, very well-defined career development track and developmental plans and offer these programs. And it was phenomenal. But sometimes the leadership of the company thinks they know what's right for you. And it may be you go to another country for a while, or you move into, you know, making it up, but from sales into marketing role, those kinds of things. And some of those moves are great and tremendously enhancing, really growing, stretch you, all those things. But sometimes it's just not the right thing for you for whatever reason. And Sometimes you may agree to do it and then the leadership of the company changes. And the people that are now in decision-making power maybe didn't agree with that or had a different idea. So you— what I found was I really had to be true to myself and I had to know almost like I was doing a strategic plan for a brand or a business. Like, you got to know the through line. You got to know what the, the you know, the end looks like, or what the goal is, so that you can stay consistent with that and like play in the right lane and do things for your own reasons. And so I definitely found that there was a time when they wanted me to take an expat assignment, which at different times in my life would have been absolutely right. At this particular time, my husband's mother was elderly. She really needed us. I couldn't leave her for 3 years. I couldn't do that and live with myself. We were the only family. And so I made a decision not to do what the powers that be really thought that I should do. And it felt really risky, but in the end, I really had to do what I knew was the right thing for me. And it, it led to some other decisions after that, but Nobody else can take into account the factors that are core to you, right? Yeah, we have to fight for ourselves, right?
No, I, I love that. And what, what did you find the risks to be? So people— so our listeners and viewers will understand how to evaluate. What, what risks did you see in kind of getting, like you say, you know, you kind of drive yourself and your plan and what it is that's right for you. Yeah.
Well, for me, the risks were— and some of this is speaking in generalities— in this case, there were more men than women in leadership. People get to those positions by being right a lot of the time, by being successful, by having confidence in themselves. They often don't like to be told no. And sometimes even more of a risk. So I found those things to be true. And they didn't want— they wanted me to take their suggestions. And while I appreciated their suggestions and I appreciated them having that interest in me and that confidence in me, it was up to me to stand up for what I needed and be willing to, I'll say, risk their wrath, which is way overstating it. It wasn't nearly that dramatic, but risk their displeasure. Right at my not taking their advice. And so, you know, I had to do my best to communicate my rationale and be okay if they accepted it or be okay if they didn't accept it. Yeah.
Do you find that a lot of managers or a lot of professionals, when they are kind of given an opportunity that might go against what it is that they really want, do you find that they thoroughly evaluate that to where they are positioning their reasonings for it? To— versus just saying no and saying things that just immediately turn off the leaders who wanted and gave you this opportunity. So they didn't even appreciate your reasoning.
I think it's a really important question. And I think it's something that needs to get navigated carefully, because I think it often isn't done as well as it could be. That if you think about that interaction, I In my case, I was going to the executive who made a very clear recommendation what I should do to tell them I wasn't taking that recommendation, needed to go in a different direction. I think we have an opportunity to view that almost like a job interview and work through our story. And I don't mean script it, but have your bullet points, the things you need to communicate, and practice it. Talk it through with someone else. It may seem like overkill, but the reality is if you don't do that, you are verbalizing it for the first time when the stakes are high. And so that might be just talking to a friend, talking to a spouse or partner, talking to a coach, whoever that is in your life. But talk it out, verbalize it so that you practice it and it feels comfortable and you can deal with what emotions may come up. Because in those situations, if you feel like you're taking a risk, you might feel nervous, you might feel anxious, you might feel a certain way that gets in the way of your own, you know, the outcome that you're hoping for. And so there's some steps you can take to avoid that. Yeah.
I love that. I love that. The more prepared you could be and the more thoughtful and intentional versus just a knee-jerk reaction, like, no, you know? Yeah. I would think that that is, that is Imperative.
Imperative. Some people are great on the fly. Like, some people, their knee-jerk reaction is right on and they can nail it. But most of us are not blessed with that talent. And why not set yourself up for success? Yeah.
And even if you are good at it, still take some time to just consider all of the different angles, right?
Because the outcome of that can be really powerful. That could lead to other opportunities. That could really reinforce this person's belief and commitment in you. So, you know, that, that opportunity exists too. I don't mean to suggest that the people who are buying into us are doing something, you know, their suggestions may be in our best interest from a career standpoint, but we have the other factors to consider.
From Stuck to Leading, Episode 2 — Meet the 5 Inner Fears Destroying Your Leadership
