Overcoming Emotional Abuse with Alexis Nicole White

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Alexis Nicole White. She's an entrepreneur, author, and inspirational speaker. As a graduate of Purdue University, Alexis dreamed of climbing the corporate ladder. However, life and relationship experiences have birthed another passion in Alexis. Today she's a writer and speaker. She's passionate about raising awareness about emotional abuse in relationships. And I'm assuming we're talking all kinds of relationships. Yeah. Her memoir, The Covered, let me hold it up for you. I want everybody to see it. The COVID highlights her journey with experiencing emotional abuse and how she survived and thrived. Her goal is to help other women, young and old, do the same, survive and thrive. Welcome, Alexis. I'm so excited to have you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, you're in Atlanta, which I was thrilled to find out. So of course I'm shooting her assistant's notes as probably late as yesterday. Any chance she can come into the studio? I would love to get her on. On camera and, you know, have this conversation one-on-one, just because I know what a story she's going to have. So before we get into kind of the standard question, so to speak, share with us how all of a sudden you went from Purdue University to wanting to climb the corporate ladder to doing what you're doing today, and that led to The Covered. Now I'm assuming The Covered, can you get it everywhere?

Bookstores?

Yes, yes. Yes, yes.

Okay, and your website, I definitely know you can get it on her website, which is alexisnicolewhite.com. You'll see her cover of her book there, and you can just order it there. And at the same time, while you're out there listening to our program, but at the same time searching on alexisnicolewhite.com, check her out, check out her services, what she's all about, her speaking, how you can engage with her, all that kind of good thing. And we'll mention her handles in a minute. So tell us, who is Alexis Nicole White?

I am a ball of energy that's going in the right direction finally, after all of this time.

Hey, it takes time.

Yeah, but overall, you know, I'm a mother, I'm an entrepreneur, I speak to empower people because I want people to know that the things that we go through in life do not define us, and that's something I had to learn. Learned the hard way and understand not to punish myself, not to beat myself up, not to feel negative about me for the things that I did or didn't know or didn't do right, because every moment offers us a learning opportunity for us to become better.

Absolutely. So what was that, what was that defining moment that even, you know, caused you to want to write the COVID and want to share your story?

Well, as a young woman Christian at that. I was working and serving in a church in my late 20s trying to figure out life, and I was friends with a lot of different women who I went to church with who were married, and some were single like myself. And there was always a divide, a very divisive, unintended energy that was present. So it was like the people who were married, they had their opinions of people who were single, and you know, it just was very uncomfortable. That was the first part. The second part was that people had expectations and thoughts and notions about people without really understanding where people come from and how they get there. No one chooses to just be in a negative situation. Things just happen. I don't intend today to, "Oh, let me get dressed and go meet a butthole." I don't plan that in my day. You know what I mean?

You better pull a Bernadette Boas.

Right. Think that way about people. You know, we tend to think that everyone is intentionally looking for something bad, and that's not necessarily the case. So I wanted to share my story to allow people to understand I was just a young, by some definition, naive girl looking to get her dreams off the ground, looking to enjoy her life, looking to fulfill those dreams that she had as a young girl. And by whatever reason, it didn't happen that way, and I'm still trying to figure out how do I get to that end destination that I thought I was going to be, right?

Well, I think that's human, right? One, we should all hope— forgetting about all the ugliness that's been going on in the world for the past year and a half— we should all hope that we have young children as well as ourselves at any age with goals and dreams, and that we're just fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting to achieve those goals and dreams. Because I would hate to have to wake up every morning, and I did for a long time, but I would hate to wake up every morning and just not look forward to going out in the world.

And some people live that life every day.

Correct.

And they don't say that I'm really unhappy because you're so afraid of what other people are going to say about you, their hypocritical opinions, their, uh, you know, whatever it is, just their judgment of you. Because at the end of the day, I'm 32 now, but You know, there's some women who are older than me who still haven't figured it out, and the light bulb just came on, say, you know what, I really don't like this job. You know, I really don't like being a mom or being your wife or whoever you may be. You know, and sometimes you just have that revelation that you say, okay, I'm not happy. And sometimes it takes that moment to hit you before you realize that 10 years have went by and you weren't happy ever in 10 years.

How do you, for yourself, but also the people that you work with and the crowds of fans that you inspire on stage, how do you get them and help them and motivate them to want to take a hard look at themselves? Because it is painful. It is hard. It's scary. How do you help coax them into that? Because until they get there, will they ever make that shift or talking about that you've done.

Right, well first and foremost, I always recommend that we begin to take off the mask, period. Take the mask off. Let's understand finally there is no idea of perfect anything, so it's not going to be you, it's not going to be me, it's not going to be my life or whomever we may look. You can be Beyoncé and have it all and still be miserable, right? You know, so let's just take off that whole idea of that ugly mask that we call life is perfect, or being a mother is perfect, or whatever your role is in life. Let's start there, right? Because only we can identify what perfection is for us, you know. So you need to be honest with yourself. And as you mentioned, it's not going to be pretty, it's not going to be an overnight thing, it's not a concept that you can just journal out and create a plan of action. Because every time you do that, you're still planning to find ways to get around being who you really are, right? So we need to first learn who we are and be genuinely authentic to that person.

Yeah, but would you agree though, because I do talk to my community a lot about journaling, but do you agree though that they have to start purging that and really discovering, as we call it here, discovering that, and if journaling is the way to do it, that's great. Sitting on a couch talking to a therapist, that's great. Getting a life coach or a personal business coach is a good way.

Those are all tools.

Correct.

But I definitely recommend that we use the journal because then that way, even if you're talking to a counselor or therapist, which I also recommend, sometimes you still feel uncomfortable with doing that because you're like, I'm really saying this out loud. Yes, you really are. And someone is listening. So if you feel more comfortable with writing in your journal, I actually went back to my journal. I have a list of journals from 2008 on my computer. I have a journal that I'm physically writing in. Every day that goes back to 2012 because I threw away all of 2011. But I have it. And the whole purpose of saying that is that we need to start having that conversation with ourselves and not being afraid to highlight those moments that make us feel the way that we do. Because once you start going back and looking through those journals and you start looking at who you've been, you see the signs, you see the symptoms, you You see the issues, you see your behaviors, and now maybe if you go back, you can actually see what the problem is because you're talking about it. But now you're educating yourself. Okay, well, this is not an overnight issue that just started yesterday. This is who I've been for quite some time. So what can I do to shift that thinking?

Break the pattern.

Break the pattern. But you first have to acknowledge it. Because see, for me, my opinion is it's kind of hard to go to a therapist therapist or a counselor or anyone if you don't know what issues you're even talking about. I mean, we're all perfect in our own eyes. You know what I mean? I think I'm great. You think you're great. Now whether or not we really are great is a different story. But you know, we need to understand what the issues are and we can only do that if we're being honest with ourselves.

Yes. Right. And if, you know, and again, everybody, if you need help to do that, that's where Alexis comes in and where other people come in and other resources come in. To help you kind of peel back the onion, as we— as you could say, because you're not gonna rip off a Band-Aid like you said. It's not gonna happen overnight. And therefore, you know, just peeling back the layers and having someone there to do that for you is a beautiful, beautiful thing. And until you have experienced it, you won't be able to relate to that. But even if you were to go and try it one time if they're a good coach or whatever the case might be, they're going to hit a spot that's going to cause you to even maybe be pained or scared or whatnot, but that's going to be a beautiful thing because that means you're just learning more and more. I want everybody to go to alexisnicolewhite.com and check her out and look over her book, but don't only look over it, just buy it. Just hit that button and buy it. I'm telling you, you won't be disappointed. I want you to also— I can't talk today. You know, these extra hours of being awake at 5 o'clock in the morning are killing me. I want you to follow her, like her, tweet with her, post with her, you know, engage with her and let her kind of help you kind of overcome the conversation we're going to get into, emotional abuse. So you can do that by going to Facebook is one, Alexis Nicole White. Believe me, just go Alexis Nicole White anywhere and you're gonna find her. Now if you're seeing and watching her on video, she does have long hair in her photos as opposed to this gorgeous—

I'm still in the wig!

As opposed to this gorgeous head of hair she's sitting with, you know, in our studio today. But go to Alexis Alexis Nicole White on Facebook.

On Twitter, it's @iammswhite.

I love that. The minute I was looking for you, I was like, she owns it. I am Ms. White. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I am Ms. Alexis. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I am Ms. Alexis. And then LinkedIn is Alexis Nicole White. Okay, go check her out all over the place. So what inspired you to write this? And what is it you want— and I'm sorry, what I mean by this is the COVID It's called The Covered, and it's based on her true story. And what do you want your readers, which are going to turn into fans right away, but what are you going to— what do you want them to walk away with?

I want them to understand there is no perfect person. We can create parameters for what we think successful relationships look like, whether it be platonic or romantic, but we have to set— we have to do the work to set that parameter. Um, I, I say this sometimes in people like, oh, but I hate when people like Steve Harvey give all this great advice because there is no cookie-cut advice for how a relationship is going to look. You can do everything right and still end up not married, still end up with a douchebag, you know, whatever it is that, you know, we tend to get. And I want people to understand, especially women, is that, you know, people say, oh, you get what you are, you attract what you are. No, I think we're just attracted to certain things. And I think that if we understand what we're attracted to, we can better curate how to not attract the bad person in what we're attracted to.

I love that, because I'll be honest with them, one of those you put out in the world, you get back what you put out. But you're right, if we just, you know, stop saying that, as opposed to then looking at what it is and why it is we're attracted to certain things, or we behave certain ways, that would provide us that clarity, right, to shift, right?

What you're saying, right? Because once you understand that much— I'll give you an example. For me, I never realized until now, after writing the book, I'm always attracted to unavailable men, emotionally unavailable men, okay? Emotionally unavailable. And many of us don't even realize that we're doing it because that's just something innate in us that we perpetuate that behavior, right? But I figured out where it came from finally. My dad is, is that way, you know, and it's not— he doesn't do it intentionally. He's an engineer. He just, he problem solves. That's what he does. So to go to him and to have a problem that requires compassion, to require actual patience, that's not who he is, right? But that's what I look for in the men that I'm attracted to because it reminds me of my dad, right?

And it comes down to mom and dad.

I know, like daddy issues, mommy issues. It's always parents, it's your fault. So I mean, you have to do a good job to the best of your ability because your kids walk away with issues whether or not you intend for them to have them or not. We just, we take everything, everything. I mean, honestly, statistically speaking, true adolescents, especially teenagers are very impressionable. So if you don't have your life together, guess what you're going to do? Perpetuate those issues in your children and they're going to grow up doing then same thing, and it's gonna be guess what?

Right.

Well, and that's why I think so many times, you know, things that have gone on for generations and actually centuries, it's because the pattern's never been broken, and therefore it just continues to get passed on and passed on, and no one has taken kind of a courageous step to say, you know what, this might not be the best way to be going about things. But they feel comfortable, don't they feel— is that what you find, is that they feel comfortable? Where they're at. They don't want to make that shift and feel uncomfortable, so they just say, okay, I'm just going to resign to the fact that this is the way it is, right?

And many of us just don't know how to deal with it. We have this mentality that just because this is the way that it's been done, that makes it right, or that's the way it shall always be done, and it doesn't make it right, right? You know, so once you understand what the patterns are and you're not afraid to confront the pattern The things that make you feel comfortable, the things that make you feel like this is the greatest feeling ever, whether or not you admit that or not, once you identify that, you can problem correct, you can problem solve, you can figure out how to go from here to be the most productive person that you could possibly be emotionally. But many of us, we get spooked out the first sign of a tear, and it's like, oh my God, this hurts, this is painful, right? But any type of growth process comes growing pains.

Yeah.

And there's going to be times where it's challenging, it's going to be painful, it's going to be hurtful, it's going to be very uncomfortable, but the end result is going to be so much more amazing.

So much more better. Oh, so much more amazing. And you have a beautiful 2-year-old. Girl, boy, boy.

Yes.

I do. I don't have any children, so yes, I, you know, and, and yet at the same time I feel a responsibility I don't have to be a parent to want to pass on, to what you're saying, want to pass on better, a better world, you know, better ways to going about kind of building relationships and having relationships. And with 22 nieces and nephews, let alone anyone that you touch in the world, you know, I do feel a responsibility, right? Even though my brothers and sisters will tease me at times that I don't have any children, they're not teasing me about not having children, they're teasing me about You know, oh, my life must be so easy being childless. All I can say to you is it's not appropriate on the radio show. I'll leave it at that.

But you know, the thing is, you're right. We do have a moral obligation to pour into people no matter what our role is, whether you have children, whether you don't, whether you are a neighbor. I correct my neighbors. I'm old school. Like when I see them outside, I'm like, didn't your mama tell you? Like, And they don't listen to her, but they listen to me because I'm like, "Don't come over here with that. Like, I heard her tell you." So, you know, the point in saying all that is we do have an obligation to help pour into, build up, and to enrich the community because these are the children who are going to be taking care of us when we're older. These are the children who are going to be our doctors, our dentists, our, you know, whomever they may grow up to become. And we have to have that that same love for them that people have for us, no matter who we are to them. We still owe that to them. You can't turn a blind eye to when you see someone, like I love What Would You Do, but the little boy was being verbally abused by his father and people were like, "Oh, that's not okay." It's okay to lose a baseball game and they bought him ice cream. And so the guy was like, "That's not okay." But the point is, is that we see that your parent is failing you in one way or the other.

Yeah.

And we have a moral obligation. I'm not saying undermine the parent because they still are their parent, but we still have a moral obligation to love people for who they are, no matter where they come from.

And if you don't, if you're not comfortable, you know, with a culture or a race or a gender, um, or an age, you know, younger to the olders and vice versa, then just again, get out of your comfort zone. And be willing to push and get to know it before you shut them out completely. My dad used to say— again, I'm one of 12, so— and he— the two of them, my mother and father, were just amazing parents. And he always used to say, leave the people in the place better than you found it, which will leave the world a better place. And so I always kind of hung on to that. All right, so Now we are going to change the subject after we get back from a break, and we're going to define for you— she's going to define for you emotional abuse. And let's dig deep, but be prepared, it may make you uncomfortable, but be okay with that because we're here to kind of, you know, ease the pain, the fall, whatever the case might be. But remember, peel back the onion, you're going find a beautiful, beautiful— what do you find inside of an onion?

I don't know.

I don't either. But you'll be a better person as a result. We'll be right back. Welcome back, everyone. We are talking to Alexis Nicole White. She's the author of a fabulous book based on her true story, and it's called The Covered. And she's actually in studio with me today.

I'm so excited.

In Atlanta. So if you're joining us live on the program, fabulous. At the same time, you can also, after the program, you can also join us at any time by downloading it from blogtalkradio.com/shamethebitch or go to our shamethebitch.com and you'll find a radio channel on our website that you can also download the programs. But we're also videotaping so you can see our lovely faces. And therefore, stay tuned for that being posted on Facebook, Twitter, our YouTube channel. Always check out Chit and the Bitch on YouTube as well. We're everywhere. All right, we're talking emotional abuse, more so overcoming, surviving, and becoming excellent in life as a whole. But I think we need to Alexis, we need to kind of get serious about what is emotional abuse and what does it look like to those of us, you know, staring at it.

Well, unfortunately, it doesn't really look like anything. It doesn't come in a package, you know. So what I mean by that is when we say domestic violence, we know what that looks like, but you can't really gauge what emotional abuse looks like because it's here, it's in your mind. Emotional abuse comes from any type of situation that fosters a fear that turns into an anxiety that can create a post-traumatic stressful situation for you and leave you with PTSD in a moment. So that's a heavy definition to really unpack and to really understand, right? We think that, you know, it has to be something traumatic to happen. Well, it doesn't have to be. Traumatic. One would think, especially, um, in the presidential election, you know, there was a comment made about veterans and not being able to handle war and that's why they have PTSD. That's not true. You know, I can go down the street and unfortunately be, um, hit in a car accident and that can create an emotionally abusive situation for me to where I create a fear for driving and now I have a post-traumatic stressful situation. It can be a friendship, it can be a relationship, it can It can be any— a working environment that can create that fear that turns into an anxiety that can become, if not treated, a post-traumatic stressful situation for us.

Okay, so if we were to break this down, and a bunch of stuff's running through my head. So if we were to break this down to if a parent, as you're growing up, if a parent is constantly telling you, "You're not pretty enough, you're not good enough, you're not smart enough," and constantly— it doesn't even have to be aggressive, right? It could just be backhanded comments, right?

Absolutely. So what you're referring to is aggression, and it's— so several different types of ways that this can happen. So overall, it's a form of a ver— well, now I can't speak— a form of verbal abuse, as well as you have physical abuse, you have sexual abuse, you have financial abuse. So it's all those different different things. Primarily, emotional abuse comes from, like you mentioned, comments that are happening. So whereas someone can minimize you— so for example, if you could say, you know, Alexis, I really don't like when you say this, and I said, well, it's not really what you think it is— that's minimizing you, to tell you that your feelings aren't valid. And therefore, you start to have a fear about coming to me about situations and raising your voice. Or I can be aggressively saying something to you, um, in terms of anything, you know, I can say, "I don't really like that. Why do you wear that sweater? It's hideous," and I can humiliate you in front of a group of people and make you feel uncomfortable when that's not really the case at all, you know, or I can just gaslight and project problems over to you. So it's so many different things. Yeah, it's a lot of definitions of how, you know, little small behaviors perpetuate to lead up to bigger things, right, and create that fear that's inside inside of you. But like you mentioned, parents, you know, we don't realize how monumental our voice is to our children. So it's very important. I'm learning this because I'm not a words of affirmation person, like I'm really not, and I get that from my dad. But I'm learning with my son that I need to affirm him. I need to let him know, you're so smart. I tell him all the time, I love you, you know, but it's not enough to just say that. I need to let him know, you're so smart, you can do anything anything you put your mind to, those things to build him up, to make him feel really good and to have confidence. But many of us grew up in households where maybe our parents may have said some things to us that were less than flattering, our siblings have said some things to us that were less than flattering, and the children that we go to school with, they say things to us. The biggest lie, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. We all remember those negative comments from the second grade that made us super self-conscious about our hair, our teeth, our eyes, you know, whatever our measurements and flaws are in life, you know, whatever it is. So we have to really get out of that mindset of thinking that words are not hurting us and not leaving marks on us because they are.

Right. So when it comes to, so that's children type of thing, which they can carry into their adulthood. And then you have, like you said, it could be at work. Unfortunately, from, you know, my own experience, I wreaked a lot of emotional abuse on people. I'm not proud to say that, you know, and took a long time to kind of heal myself. And I still haven't healed other people from the comments that they'll make toward me. Fair enough. Fair enough. And then it could be, like you said, in relationships, whether it's with a sibling, a lover, a friend, and it could kind of take the form of just those backhanded— like one of the ones in the South, for those of you in the South, is what's that one saying that really— bless your heart. Bless your heart is a Southern the comment that it sounds kind of cute, right? Bless your heart. I'm from Philly, I can't do it.

But at the same time, it's meant to be offensive.

It's meant to be offensive. It's kind of like, oh, look at her, bless your heart.

Yes.

And that can also just over time.

All right.

So why do we have to— why do we really have to stay aware and be mindful of the fact that emotional abuse exists. God knows on social media, you know, kids committing suicide, even adults committing suicide because of just emotional abuse on social media. Why do we have to? And I think that's kind of evident, but at the same time, then what do we do about it? Like, how do we stay mindful about not allowing emotional abuse?

Well, for me, I've had to learn how to disconnect connect. I think we spend way too much time on social media. I love it for what it is, but a lot of times we subject ourselves to things. What I mean by that is we've all had that girlfriend who has picture-perfect lives, you know, whether it's the husband, the children, you know, the super mom, the super employee, you know, whatever people are going through in life that just looks so amazing in comparison to ours.

Right.

And one of the things that I tell I tell people is, in order to not abuse yourself, don't subject yourself to it. It's okay to see someone doing great in life. It's okay to compliment them. It's perfectly fine to say, "You know what, girl, you're doing a really good job," but it's okay to not feel bad if that's not who you are and where you are in life. It doesn't mean that you're never going to get there. It doesn't mean that you're not going to be inspired. You can just say, "Girl, good job." girl, you doing a really good job, or congratulations. But also, as a lady named Amy Walker taught me, was to remind yourself to compliment yourself as well, because we're doing great jobs with the circumstances that we're dealing with, with whatever it is. We have to be mindful that we're— we rock, period. It doesn't matter if you— like, I'm a single mom, and sometimes I feel so guilty because like my child just acts bonkers sometimes. I mean, I remember I was at the library, that's where I go, and I cried the whole way home because he wouldn't sit still. I was like, "Okay, Alexis, let's take it back. You're doing a phenomenal job." He's 2, so he has no idea what just happened. He's upset because he's sleepy, he wanted to play with us, whatever it was, but you can't punish yourself, you know, but social media puts that cursor out there to make you feel so inferior when you're not owning up to someone else's standards. But let's be mindful, when that picture goes past your screen, we don't have no idea what else they're dealing with in their lives. We always celebrate the good things and hypersensationalize the good things, but we never identify and share the negative things and the things that are bothering us that are painful, because it's easier to talk about what what is going right than it is what's going wrong. And I'm not saying that we need to expose all of our personal business because some people do that and you need to stop. But I'm just saying keep it real with yourself, right? You know, and everything does not have to go on social media, you know, so let's just start there. Everything doesn't have to go on social media. I'm sure your family members would appreciate if you did not have to share every time you ate and went to the bathroom on social media. You don't have to share that, you know, if you You just want to just say, you know, I'm really excited about this great job opportunity. Good. But what, what do you really need from that? Yeah, right. You know, so some people are just so self-soothing and need that affirmation from others because they have some other issues going on in their life. They need the internet to support them, and it's really not about that. It shouldn't be about that. And unfortunately, that's what we really have grown to become.

We have. And one thing I was thinking of when you were just saying that is It's really stunning and we really have to give thought to the fact that we don't share our own negatives. We're kind of insecure, fearful, we think people are going to judge us and shame us. But we have no problem getting online and ripping down somebody who's trying to do good in their life. And I have to tell you, and I'm sure you'd agree with this, that's projecting your junk.

Yes, it is.

That's projecting your junk, so why don't you switch it? Why don't you turn it on its head and instead of going out and making judgments on other people, turn it to yourself. And that's kind of where the whole bitch thing came from is I get judged on just the brand, Shedding the Bitch, and I said this isn't about a person who is this type of person. It's really about that I was that type of person because of my own junk. So the bitches are your junk, and I'm trying to turn it internally to get rid of your— to get rid of those things that you don't like about yourself. And really, what we call honor our riches. Honor your riches. So then you're projecting onto the world who you truly are, and that's a good person. But trust me, you get on there and start judging people and criticizing people, and it's only screaming how insecure insecure of a person you are, right? Would you agree? Right.

Or how insecure you are to show that you're not perfect. Because I really don't know where we get this from. Like, I've been— I was part of that first wave of people that's been on Facebook. So I've seen the evolution of Facebook. And since 2004, like, just the cattiness behind Facebook. And I mean, I was in college then, so it's to be expected. You know, you're like, trying to find yourself. But some of the people that are still there that like are all my friends, if I ever reactivate my personal page and I see my friends, it's like, okay, I'm glad that you're doing well. But like, if you ever just be bored and just scroll through their timeline, everything is, oh, look at me, I got this promotion. Oh, look at me, I just bought this new house. Oh, look at me, I just got this new car. Oh, look at me, I had baby number 3 and I'm still rocking in my career. Like, oh, it's oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you know what I'm saying? And to me it's like— Oh oh oh? Yeah! It's like look at me I'm in the gym and I'm not even sweating, I'm glistening you know? And that's fine but I'm just confused or interested in knowing how do you really manage your life when you're down on social media posting?

Or that beautiful picture that you talked about, you know the beautiful picture that everybody envies, they'd be surprised at how How, you know, you can't judge a book by its cover. Peel back that onion. I gotta come up with a different thing. Someone come up with a different thing for me. Peel back that sheet, that— I don't know.

Unpack your box.

Unpack your box and find all the ugly skeletons that are in that box.

That's a good one.

I like that. All right, we're going to take another quick break, and when we come back, I really want to kind of understand and help have Alexis help us understand the various forms that this takes, that emotional abuse takes in our relationships, and especially for women, and what is it that you could be doing as of right this moment of listening or watching this that you could do to kind of, you know, change your life and shift to riches, as we say. We are going to be right back. Welcome back, everyone. I am talking with Alexis Nicole White. She is an entrepreneur. Entrepreneur. I need sleep. She's an entrepreneur, she's an author, she's a speaker, but she also is one who's been there and done that when it comes to facing emotional abuse in the mirror, in its eyes, and deciding that she wasn't going to have it anymore. Or at least she was going to give herself some tools and tips in order to kind of break through and overcoming those things. So two things. One, I want everybody to go to AlexisNicoleWhite.com. You can learn more about her there. She also will have her book, The Covered, inspired by her own true story. It'll be right there on her webpage and you can buy it there. You can go to Amazon and Barnes Noble and other places as well. All right? It's a great story. You're going to want to be inspired by it. You're going to want to feel and maybe be, you know, kind of made uncomfortable, but at the same time, she's going to get you beyond that so you are creating excellence and whatever it is that in life that you want. We're also wanting you to go and Facebook her and tweet with her and just Google Alexis Nicole White and you're going to find her. She's One Alexis Nicole White on Facebook. I am @MsAlexis on Twitter, and you can go to our Twitter account too and you'll see some posts that we've made with tagging her, and you can join in on the conversation. All right, and you can always hashtag about today's program by using #emotionalabuse and all that kind of good stuff. All right, I really want to understand for, for myself and our listenership the various forms that emotional abuse takes place, how women are then as a result impacted not only in their relationships, but when they go to work, when they go to the community, and they, you know, just kind of go out in the world. What does it look like? And then we're going to talk about what we can do to get, get beyond it.

So some signs that I would— I try to categorize it as simple as possible because it is so broad. But when we think about emotional abuse, that's just the header. Under that comes our verbal abuse, our physical abuse, our sexual abuse, our financial abuse. And many of us don't even realize that in marriages where we allow like our husbands or the woman to control our wives, to control all the money, that puts you in a financially abusive situation because you don't have access to things. You're being rational about money like like a child, you know, or on a spending limit like a child. So, you know, we have to be very, very cognizant of what it is that we're talking about here and how does that affect us. We are adults. As adults, we have the ability and deserve the right to have freedom and liberty. We should be able to go where we want to go without feeling like we gotta report to somebody, check in, we're being stalked, you know, however it goes. Um, you know, we should be to dress and like the things we should be able to agree to disagree. I shouldn't be forced to conform to your opinion because you're going to disapprove of me, or if I'm being subjected to looks of disapproval, like, really? You know what I mean? Like, we do— we don't deserve that, you know what I mean? So we have to be mindful of all of the different ways that we are being subjected to this, especially at work. I mean, like, you really don't think about how how toxic the workplace can be. Oh geez. And we think that because we have human resources that they're there for our benefit, and they're really not. They're there for your company. They're there to protect the company from doing any illegal things that can get them sued. So when it comes to like your interpersonal garbage that's going on in the workplace, that is not the place to go. Like, just don't do it.

Well, unless there's a really good coaching, mentoring type of environment. Right. But you're right, there's a lot of companies that just don't have that, right?

And it just perpetuates that, that frustration and that hostility because there is no freedom to be who you are, right? We are all unique individuals. We all have special gifts, special talents, whatever it is about us that makes us unique. And the thing that we need to be mindful of is accepting that difference in others, you know? Like, I like what Oprah said, um, it was going viral today, so it was fresh on my brain, but she was making a comment about Hillary She said, "You don't have to like her, she ain't coming to your house." So, you know, it's just accept it, you know, like if you see someone who may be a little bit different, you know, it's okay, just accept it, accept it and just disconnect. Everything is not for everybody, but for some reason we ingest it and think that we have to force you to conform to what we perceive to be acceptable, and you know, we have to make comments, and we think that shaming you is going to change it, humiliating you is going to change it, it's not, it's only going to make everyone else more uncomfortable unless you're the bully that's bullying people. Right. So, you know, it's really, really one of those things where it's kind of mind-boggling, if you will, how do we stop it from happening, and we can't, the only way we can stop it from happening is to adjust and identify how we are subjecting ourselves to it. And make those choices, those changes for us based on our choices. So what I mean by that is, like, for example, I've realized that I've been having a lot of negative relationships. I talk about it openly in my book. And those people, when they call, like, I've had to unpack the box, identify the issues, and then I say, okay, I accept you as being who you are. You have a tendency and a habit of disappointing me. I don't say this to them, right? But then I know not to expect expect nothing of them. You see what I'm saying? So if you want to call and have a conversation, we can talk, but once I hang up that phone, that's the end of that. I'm not fantasizing, creating a new person in my mind because you are who you are, and that's not changing unless you decide that you want to change. And most times the issues that I'm complaining about is not an issue to you, so it's like whatever.

Well, I think what your bottom line here, what you're saying is You can't change someone else. You can only change how you approach that person, how you interact with that person, how you engage, and how you, like you said, I love that, how you envision them.

Right.

You know, stop conjuring up this idea of someone that's not really there and be real about what it is you're actually getting and how it's either benefiting your life or it's detrimental to your life. But the key, don't you find the key though, Alexis, is, okay, so you know that this person is toxic. For you, or you know that this emotional abuse is happening, and yet— there's that yet, that weight that holds us down. You know, it's either a family member, or it is, like you said, it's a loved one, it's a work situation, and there's a greater fear to people to cut that loose because then it's like, oh, what do I do? What do I do without them? What do I do without that job? Right?

Right.

But what do you do to kind of get someone to say, look, it's one or the other?

Right. That's what we have to get real with ourselves. And if you love you like you say you love you, and if you appreciate you like you say you appreciate you, you have to understand when you unpack the box, what got you into that position? Because honestly, a lot of people have big shiny boxes with no substance on the inside. I mean, let's just be honest, you love the packaging, you know what I mean? But there's nothing in that box that they can offer you that's going to serve you, that's going to help you and be— you be a better person, right? Any relationship that we're in is supposed to be a win-win, period. Yes, it's supposed to be a build you up, help you out, let me serve you like you're serving me, let me pour into you. It's supposed to be a riveting situation for everyone, but it's not.

Afraid of that. If it's not, what can I do? What's one thing that I can do to kind of get myself out of that emotional abuse situation?

Make sure that you're honest enough with yourself to acknowledge it so that you don't come back to it again.

Did you get that? Did you get that, everybody? Can you repeat that?

Make sure that you're acknowledging the problems, the situation, the issues, so that you can get out of it and never come back.

It's going to take you getting uncomfortable.

Alright?

But I want you to do that. And I want you to go to AlexisNicoleWhite.com and get her book, The Covered, and let her stories help you relate to what it is that you might be going through. And then that way, you'll feel a little bit more comfortable and safe to be able to go out and do it yourself. But also reach out to her, alexisnicolewhite.com, but her email is info@alexisnicolewhite.com, and feel free to engage with her and ask her and look at her services and what it is that she provides for you. All right, I want to thank you so much for being part of the program.

Thank you.

It's been fabulous, and we'll get to talk after we're done because we can— we still have the video down. And I want you to all stay tuned for all the guests that we have lined up between now and the end of the year, because we're getting you ready for the end of the year plus the new year. So I want to thank everybody for joining us today, and I want you to have a rich, prosperous week and join us right back here at noon Eastern Time next Tuesday on Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Thanks, everybody. Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.