Perception vs. Reality in Leadership

Have you ever received feedback, whether formally or informally, that really took you aback? You were completely surprised because you have a whole different self idea of you as well as how you're showing up to others around you. Are there times when you actually don't care what others think of you? Certainly as a coach, I would want my clients and I would want you to reach that point and not be bothered by what others think of you. After all, there will always, always be haters out in the world. However, to get to that point, you have to have a really crystal clear view and a complete, brutally honest understanding of who you are, why you are who you are, and how you actually affect those around you. Now, leadership is all about authenticity, transparency, and truth. Yet few leaders really take the time to get an understanding of the perception others have of them, of the effect and impact they have on others, especially those that are critical to their own success. So today I really want to dig in and get a clear understanding of the difference between perception and reality and the impact that it has on you and your success at work and in life. And I want to give you tips and tools and strategies that you can use to ensure your perception is indeed reality. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Shedding the Corporate Bitch, the podcast that transforms female corporate executives into powerhouse leaders by showing them how to shed the challenges and overwhelm along with any fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negativity holding them back. I'm your host, Bernadette Boas of Ball of Fire Coaching, bringing you powerhouse discussions each week to share tips, advice, and sometimes tough love so you create the riches in your work and life you deserve. Perception versus reality. Do you get it? Do you get how one's perception of you, let's say, as a leader in the workplace, that one's perception of you is indeed the reality. So you may not agree with maybe a stance that they take with you, or a comment or feedback that they provide you around your own behavior, actions, or words, and you totally dismiss it, or you're taken aback by it. And yet at the same time, what you have to realize, as maybe both of you walk away in different directions, They are walking away with their reality of you, right or wrong. That's their reality is how they perceive you with them and how you're showing up with them. So the question is, are you concerned? Is it critical for you to really get a handle on one's perception of you in order to be the best leader? The best contributor, the best individual person you could be, whether it is at work or in your life? And I would hope that the answer is yes. I would want my perception that others have of me to equal the reality. I don't want anyone judging or presuming or assuming. I want them to know exactly who I am and why I am Who I am, right? So I know my clients and a lot of the people that I work with in a lot of various ways, they'll go about gaining that understanding in a variety of ways. But before we get there, what I want you to understand, especially as a leader, what you need to understand as a leader, is until you really get a clear idea and you're even brutally honest with yourself around whatever that feedback, whatever that perception might be of you, then you'll never really kind of be yourself, own who you are, and be the type of leader. And in my world, I want you to be a powerhouse leader that you were meant to be. And so it's critical at times at different junctures in our lives to ensure that we are reaching out and getting that type of feedback, that type of assessment, that type of brutally honest with a little, you know, with a little comfort, with a little love type of insights from others around us. Because if we don't, if you don't, then you're operating in a different mode and your, your idea of success success is going to be drastically different than the people around you, especially those people that you depend greatly on to actually pursue and accomplish the tasks or the goals that are laid out that will ultimately lead to your own success. And so if you ever experience feeling as if there's just a complete disconnect between you and one other person, or maybe your entire team, If you are always experiencing a frustration or a headache around why are they just not understanding or getting exactly what it is I'm trying to create or achieve for both the team and for myself, if you ever get people just not responding or really engaging and collaborating and opening up and being honest and vulnerable with you, then you have to take a step back and ask yourself, does how I'm— I show up to them, does it match reality? How I feel like I'm behaving, how I feel like I am taking action, how I feel like I'm communicating in the words that I'm using and how I'm developing or coaching or instructing or delegating, or maybe I am dumping or micromanaging or creating chaos, do I have a realistic idea of what that is to those around me that are being impacted when I walk into a room, when I send an email, when I pick up the phone and call them and they see my name or number come across their phone? Because as long as you don't have a really clear understanding of that, there always will be conflict, quiet conflict or very much verbal or behavioral type of conflict. Until you can match up the two, match up the views, let's call it the views versus the perception, match up the views, match up the views of other people with how you want to show up, how you want to behave, how you want to lead. Well, then there'll be a lot of frustrating days for not only yourself, but for everyone around you. And you should not be surprised at the end of the day if you're not getting done or accomplished or received what it is that you're working your butt off to do. And if you're not getting that reality check against your own perception of yourself, then you're always going to be banging your head up against the wall when people aren't showing up the way you expect them to. They're not following through. They're constantly debating with you or challenging you, and they're just not following through on what in your head you expect that they would be doing. So there's times when you absolutely need to get that reality check. So let me share with you a short story. It was roughly 2009, and if you know me at all, you know that in late 2007, going into 2008, I was let go. I was fired from my previous 25-year corporate career, and I set out on my own. Now, I set out on my own professionally, but I also set out to really, truly understand who I was and how I was showing up to the people around me, both professionally and personally. Now, I was going on a journey of starting my own business from a professional standpoint. And so I needed to reach out to as many people that would reach out to me, both professionally and personally, to get a really clear understanding of what provoked and what caused my being let go after a 25-year career. So it was in May of 2009, and it was my 5 sisters, my mother, and I, and we were down at the beach having our annual, what we call jungle chicks, but our annual beach trip. And I decided that I was going to give them a few cocktails and then ask them several questions that would provide me the type of information that I was looking for so I can reconcile perception and reality. And it was when I really started focusing on this whole concept that one's perception is their reality. You may say, that's not who I am, that's not reality, that's not the case. But one's perception is their own reality because that's all they have from you is how they are perceiving their experience and encounters with you. So I sat down with my sisters, gave them a few cosmopolitan cocktails, and along with my mother, and actually I simply asked to get it started. Describe me in one word, good, bad, or ugly, but describe me in one word and list out as many singular words that you can come up with. And I probably walked out of there with a page and a half. And I walked out of there with a page and a half of brutally honest feedback that was smothered in love. And it was great stuff. It was horrific stuff. It was hurtful stuff. It was painful stuff. And it was inspiring. And so when I walked away and I looked at this, I thought to myself, damn, my view of myself is so far off of what and how others think of us. Now, the trap I want anybody to be careful of, including myself at the time, was that you don't just focus on all the ugly negative stuff. You don't focus on all the hate stuff. And of course, my sisters didn't share hate, but that's how many of us, that's how many of you view any type of criticism or feedback as hate. And yet it's not. It's, it is, it could be negative. It could be hard and painful, but it's meant, it's meant to be used for development and growth. It's not, if you're asking the right people, whether at work or at home, if you're asking the right people, then you can trust that it's being verbalized and stated with pure positive intention and not to beat you down but for you to think and consider this disconnect between your reality and their perception. So here was this laundry list of one-word descriptions of me, from funny and sassy, bold and risk-taking, to abrasive, curt, demeaning, arrogant, conceited. I mean, you name it, and everything in between. And so I walked away and I kind of reconciled this list from 6 of the most cherished people in my world, as well as I was gathering very similar content from some of my professional colleagues. And I realized, I said, okay, I need to do something with this. This, I can't just have this done in vain. I need to actually close that gap between perception and reality, because I certainly had a whole different idea of who I was than they did. So what I would just suggest to you is if you do feel a disconnect in any way, shape, or form between your understanding and view of yourself when you look in the mirror or when you go about, you know, especially at work, then take some time to reach out and actually ask other people for their feedback. And we'll get into some specific tips and pieces of advice in just a minute, because what that did for me and then did for them, the result that all of us gained from that small exercise. And yet for me, they had a blast doing it. Mind you, give someone a couple of cocktails. They had an absolute blast being able to openly be honest and share and transparent around this, this subject, around this question. And as much as I wanted the information, I won't deny that it didn't hurt. I laughed, I cried, I was aghast by shame and embarrassment. But when I walked away and I really spent time with it, it was the most liberating experience I ever had because it really did give me that crystal clear view or mirror of who I really was. And then I had the opportunity to say, okay, so this is how I am. Reality to other people, that's their perception. And this is who I want to be. And what do I need to do now to close the gap? So it builds such trust and openness and closeness between all of us. Because when they realize that, one, I wanted their truth, I wanted them to share. I wanted us to kind of work together to, you know, feel the impact that I had had on them and others for so many years. And at the same time, how much, you know, love that they had for me, but yet, you know, the pain and the hurt and the frustration and aggravation that I caused them. It was extremely freeing and liberating and enriching for our relationships. At the same time, when it came to colleagues and it came to those more professional relationships, it too kind of broke down a lot of walls, a lot of barriers. It opened up, you know, our ability to really have honest and fluid communications and conversations because now they recognized that I wanted to work on myself and I recognized the impact that I had on them, good, bad, or ugly. And we kind of worked through and talked through the fact that, all right, we're closing this gap between perception and reality. And I even engaged them as well as my own family members to give me suggestions and tips and advice as far as the actions that I could be taking, the changes I could be making in order to bring together that reality along with others' perceptions of me. And so the effect and impact you can have on those around you and also on your overall success as a result of seeking that type of feedback and information, recognizing it, paying attention to it, considering it, and then finding and putting together an action plan to actually work through it and transform from it. It will create a whole new experience that you have with your team members, not only because of the openness and the transparency, but the trust that's built, the willingness to change that's built, the willingness to listen and really hear and understand them, so forth and so on. And it also— one of the other great benefits of it as well is you have just modeled, just as I have, you had just modeled what providing feedback really looks like and what it can be without this idea that it's going to be, you know, it's going to be stressful and frustrating and scary and conflict and argumentative and defensiveness. No, because you've set it up kind of putting yourself as a guinea pig up front. And you certainly aren't going to, you know, set it up to where it can be ugly, it can be argumentative, it can be conflict. You walked into it willing and open to hear whatever it is that others have to share with you. But as I mentioned in the opening, to get to that point to where even you don't care after that what others think of you, because you're closing that gap and you're becoming the true powerhouse leader you want to be and whatever that means to you— genuine, authentic, transparent, compassionate, empathetic. Kind, a servant leader. You know, you're becoming that person. And the next thing you know, you do learn to dismiss some of the hate that's out there that's artificial because someone doesn't know you. Someone doesn't even have anything to do with you or engage with you or collaborate with you. And they're just drawing judgments and assumptions and presumptions just based on maybe what you do when you walk down the hallway or how you show up in a meeting or what happens online or when you're out and about and they run into you. So by working on yourself to really close that gap between perception and reality, the amazing transformations that can happen not only within yourself but within those people around you will only and ultimately lead to massive success for you at work and in your life. So here are a few tips that I'd like to provide you to begin to work on this. So as I said, simply ask. Find those people that you really trust, that you can also hold, and they will hold you and what you discuss in confidence, and they will be brutally honest and open and compassionate toward this conversation, these questions that you might ask them. Now, as I mentioned, I just asked a simple question like, describe me in one word, but there's other things. What is the impact that I have on you? Truthfully, what is the impact? Do I have a positive impact on you or do I have a negative impact on you? Do I help you feel like you're gaining and being enriched or am I draining your energy or your self-esteem or your confidence, whatever the case might be? You could ask them, help me understand really how I show up in your world. It could be in your day-in, day-out work activities. Describe me in one word, good, bad, or ugly. Just throw them out there and help me to understand really what you think of me, but also what you feel toward me. Because there's nothing more transformative than getting down to the emotional impact one has on another. It's one thing for someone to say, well, they're so demanding, they're such perfectionists, they're bossy, they're bitchy, so forth and so on. It's another layer to say they cause me to go home and sit on my couch and drink a bottle of wine, or they cause me to get in my car and cry all the way home, or they cause me so much stress that I can't sleep at night. They create such havoc, or, you know, in my world that I'm seeking help, or on the opposite, because we always want to think of the positive, or they're so supportive and collaborative and they really partner with me and I really feel valued. I really feel worthy. I really feel like I'm contributing. So you really also want to get down to not only the first layer of give me initially what you think about me, but really how do I make you feel? Because we all are wanting to make others feel wanted and valued and part of the team and worthy. And yet you would be very surprised when you start asking that some people don't necessarily feel those things at all regarding you. And yet your self idea is so much grander than what reality is. All right. So simply ask. But you can get more formal. I spend a great deal of time in my practice doing both various assessments. So there's DiSC assessments, there's Hogan, there's Myers-Briggs. And those are looking at, you know, yourself individually. And then it could also look at yourself as part of a particular team. But they look at, you know, your behaviors, your competencies, your skills. Your contribution or detriment to yourself and/or to others around you. So there's a good number of various assessments that you could be taking to get a really better idea of yourself. So the asking is kind of the, the 101, and then the like DISC assessments, Hogan's, Myers-Briggs, looking at your personality and your communication style, that's like 201. Then you can get into 301, which is a 360 assessment, especially at the workplace. And that's where you can get feedback from the people reporting to you, your peers, your managers, your customers, external, anyone that really comes in contact with you and engages with you on a daily basis. At the same time, those can be facilitated through an online assessment or a survey, but they can also be one-on-one interviews where There's a select group of people that are identified that fit that 360 view. And then a facilitator like myself or someone would come and interview them. So there, there's more verbal interactive conversation about the feedback. So there's a variety of ways that that can be done, but that's going to the next level, the next depth of really understanding. And then lastly, it all comes down to the follow-through. It all comes down to, okay, what do I do with all this information? What actions do I pull together and pull out in order to make the improvements, in order to have the transformation that I'm looking for so I can close this gap between perception and reality? And then, you know, what do I need to do to— not necessarily, you don't want to go and be like, hey, I'm changing, aren't I? I'm doing the work. But more so, you want to follow through on seeking kind of a touch base. Seeing if others are recognizing the changes and the shifts and the transformation that you're making. But don't be disappointed when they're not necessarily raising their hand and offering it up to you. Recognition can be very subtle, be very quiet, and yet be extremely, extremely powerful. So as leaders, we really need to have a crystal clear and brutally honest view of ourselves. And if you don't have it and yet you're realizing that there could be some, you know, negative and positive impacts that the disconnect between perception and reality is having on your growth, on your advancement, on your success in business or in life, then definitely book a call with me. Go to coachmebernadette.com/discoverycall and let's have a conversation with it and close the gap between perception and reality. All right, so thank you so much for being with me this week, and be sure to check out all of our episodes at sheddingthecorporatebitch.com or wherever you get your podcasts. And I'll look forward to having you for our next episode. Take care, everybody. Bye.