Relationship Tips by Dating Diva Dee on Shedding the Bitch Radio

Alright.

2 minutes until showtime. Careful, careful.

Now I do, just as an FYI, in the 7 months I was— I've been doing this, I've never ever ever had a problem, a technical problem, and then all of a sudden I have I don't know if you know Greg Reed, 3 Feet from Gold. And I had him on the show a couple weeks ago and BlogTalkRadio dropped me. So that's— so that's— I was just like freaking out because it never happened before. So that's why I needed your cell phone number. And so should I drop you know, I'll quickly get back on and dial in, and we'll pray that that doesn't happen. We won't— that won't happen. It's not gonna happen. But it's like Delta, who has to warn you of the safety precautions just because.

Right, right, right.

And I do have a copy of your book, which I'll also put up in the video screen.

Thank you.

And I am going to read your whole bio because I did try to cut it down, but at the same time, it's all really good relevant information because a couple of the points in your bio actually will save us a question or two. And therefore, we can talk, you know, we can talk other stuff.

Good, good. Okay.

Oh, and being that it is 30 minutes, we'll just save the last few minutes, so watch your clock for promote, you know, for your pitch, for for the pitch of your offer and then for me to close the show.

Okay, so 30, all right, great. Do you want like 25 after?

Yeah, roughly, just yeah, roughly. We might not need all that time, but yeah.

Your show will go live in 5 seconds. 4, 3, 2, 1. Hello and welcome to Jenny the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of angst, attitude, and negative mindset so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch or share your stories on our website sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to your fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Bernadette Boas, no more holding you back. 818-572-2910.

Well, good day, happy Tuesday everyone. This is Bernadette Boas and yes, you've tuned in to Shedding the Bitch Radio and I'm so glad that you're here today because we're gonna have a great, fun, lively conversation about one of those little nasty little hangups, angst attitudes, fears, what I call bitches, that get in a lot of people's way, and that is dating. And being single myself, I can attest to just a lot of junk in my head, not necessarily in my heart, maybe from the past, but in my head that kind of gets me caught up and stuck when it comes to dating and relationships. So I am thrilled to have Dee, the Dating Diva, with us. Deanna Frazier. Dee, how are you?

I'm great, thank you. We all have stuff in our head, don't we?

We do, we do, we do, we do. And before we jump into it, I definitely want to make sure everyone's aware of who you are and what you're about. And then please, if you have any questions for Dee, this is your time to ask her anything that you'd like at 1-818-522-5555. 572-2910. And at the same time, feel free to chat in if you're on blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch. However, let me dive into the diva. Dee, the Dating Diva, a title that particularly suits Deanna. She is a vivacious and energetic woman. No wonder we get along so well, Dee. And she's experienced basically every possible kind of dating experience possible. Her qualifications as a romance expert are related in part to her own life as both wife and single woman, and the fact that she has been dating and observing the ritual of dating for a good part of her life. Dee is the founder of the University of Dating, and I'll add .com, so theuniversityofdating.com, and author of this great book which I loved reading, and we're going to talk about this today, Dating 101: The Second, Third, or Fourth Time Around. Both developed to meet the needs of men and women as they re-enter the dating scene. And I'm going to add whether they're divorced or you just had a major breakup or you haven't been in the dating scene for a while, this book is great and it's so applicable. Dee's appeared on many shows, Katie Couric on the Today Show for one. And as a certified coach and a member of the International Coaching Federation, Dee's 30 years of experience as an executive coach has included hundreds of seminars, training, and coaching sessions, as well as appearances on nationally syndicated television shows. And she's assimilated all this collective experience of others and applied her own observations of life to create tips and tactics to become the date or the mate you want to have. She believes that being single can both be challenging and rewarding. Yes, I can attest to that. And that by using one's own experiences to create a positive new outlook, dating can be fun. Okay, Dee, you know, I always talk about on the show that life is definitely, you know, fast and furious, and you only get one of them. And I loved a quote you had in your book that said, "Life is not a dress rehearsal. Life is a live performance." And many of us don't treat it that way, but from a, you know, perspective of the speed of light, we need to get dating. We need to open up the world, to open up the connections, to open up our network. So what can you provide us, and what do you— what thoughts do you have around the dating scene today and the mental states of both men and women?

Right, well, the first thing that you said, Bernadette, which is so true, dating is fun if we have the attitude that it will be fun, that we go out without our judgments, assumptions, and our own beliefs and just go out to find someone to talk to that could be interesting and that you are interested and you're also interesting. If you just have that attitude and have that expectation, Most of the time it'll work out great, and if it doesn't, you just try it again. Dating is a dance to relationships. This isn't like hard. We don't have to make it really difficult. And we have to like the opposite sex. I happen to like men. I have a date and dinner and dance. I mean, that's a great thing for me. It's a pleasure most of the time.

Well, that's the key. It's a pleasure most of the time because I know You know, sometimes it's just not worth it is the state of mind I get into, especially when it comes to balancing a career or building a business like many of us are. And then to also then, you know, put this whole dating thing into our schedule. Do you have a tip? Because I would love to know it.

Yes, put it in your schedule. For me, it's very important. A lot of the work I do is at home. I do a lot of virtual coaching, and I do it all over the world. And so by the end of the day, I need to have stuff coming back to me. I'm very extroverted, so I need people. It creates energy within me. So I have a social life set up that works, and it's not necessarily just dating. It's just people of my sex, the opposite sex, men and women who like to enjoy life. And I'm out probably 3, 4, sometimes 5 nights a week and I dance. So find what you like to do and make sure you plan time to do it. Otherwise, it becomes an easy excuse not to do it, Bernadette, and also we become human doings rather than human beings.

Yeah, oh no, I'll definitely agree with that because I know I get into such a state where, you know, my schedule's so packed during any given week, and I'm talking 7 days a week, not just, you know, Monday through Friday. And the idea sometimes exhausts me to think that I have to go out and put on a pretty face. So, you know, basically I dress like I'm going to the dog park most of the time, and then I wonder why I'm dateless. But anyway, hey, we have a call caller, and it looks like they're from Atlanta, Georgia. So, I want to see if they have a question for us. Hi, you're on Shedding the Bitch Radio with Dee, the Dating Diva. Do you have a question for her?

I know, I just got the email. I've never been on one of these calls. Oh. I thought it was something that you listened to.

Oh no, you can, you can. I just wanted to make sure that if you had a question, so I will let you go back to listening, and thank you for joining the call.

Thank you.

Okay, so D, I build in, and I, you know, being a coach myself, uh, working both, you know, from a personal and a professional perspective with clients, you know, I, I, it's easy for me to tell them to build in, you know, day or build in like the gym and personal time. And so basically what you're saying is to get that, that dating time, or that not even dating as much as what you're saying is social, put yourself in places where you have the opportunity to find a date, correct?

Right, right. And really, the thing that's so important, what I tell people, Bernadette, is go where you want to be. If it's not a dance hall or if it's not a nightclub, maybe it's the library. I mean, whatever it is that pleases you at the end of the day, which has nothing to do with work, do that. Right. I'm on several advisory boards where I meet great people. I mean, whatever it is And it has to be other than just making a living, because we can get so caught up in that that there is no time for anything else. Because people are everywhere. Men in this city are everywhere. It's just a question of whether I'm willing to show up and be approachable and be available. Right. So that's what I suggest. Again, it's just scheduling it. And what you said about getting dressed, I don't accept lunch dates. Because that breaks up my day. So either we go to dinner or we don't go. I mean, I'm not in for coffee and I'm not in for lunch. Right. But other than that, I'm available because that's my schedule. It's the end of the day when my day is done. So that's what, you know, that's one. I would suggest that for you, my friend, that you just schedule time not to work.

Yeah, no, no, you know, you sound like my business coach Joan. Who tells me that like every Friday afternoon. And I'm sure there's many men and women out there who, um, who do the same. But, and what I loved about your book, again, it's Dating 101: The Second, Third, or Fourth Time Around. And what I loved about it too is not only do you send people through like very simple principles and then even exercises, which I thought was great, and then you even have a place where, you know, you make an agreement to yourself about what your plan is gonna be around dating. But I love those people like yourselves who, 'cause I consider myself a tough love coach, and I love those people who kinda tell it like it is. And you basically say, if I told you the reasons why I don't date, you would sit there and go, excuse, excuse, excuse. And you know, and so what's underlying that? What would you say is underlying that?

So I'm going to ask you the question. So what is underlying that? Is it fear or something?

Okay, good. Okay, so I opened up my own can of worms. Well, I guess you're right. I guess you're right, because those things aren't reasons, right?

Right. So it's fear. Is it fear of rejection? Is it fear of not being okay? Is it fear of embarrassing yourself? If it's a fear of thinking, of a spend, what is it? It's not about time, because time is very— you know, there's no such thing as time management. We manage it. Time does not manage us. So if you're not doing what you say you want to do, what is stopping that? It's usually a fear of something.

Right. And that's how you work with individuals?

Yeah, sometimes.

Yeah, you—

I'm not going to coach you, I don't think that would be fair. Yeah, but actually, that's exactly right. It's just, and actually if you saw the video, Katie Park asked the same thing, and I was real cautious not to go back to her, but it was because it's universal. I mean, I've done workshops, oh my God, I can't tell you how many single people I have spoken to in the last 3 or 4 years And it's usually the same. You know, I'll say, "What's stopping you?" Well, fear of not being okay or fear of being rejected. And guess what? We will be sometimes. Right. What we do with that, that really makes the difference. I mean, I can tell story after story that I would show up someplace and it didn't turn out the way I thought it was, how I felt about it. And usually how I felt about it was the story I was making up in my head. That it really wasn't real. I had an incident, Bernadette, where I went to a dance. It was my very first single dance here. I lived in Dallas. And I love to dance. I walked into this place alone and knew no one. And there were all these tables set around the dance floor. And I went over to one after I filled up my tray. The only thing that was familiar was the buffet table. And I walked over to the I table. walked over to a table of 5 women with 5 empty chairs and asked if I could join them, and they literally told me no. I stood there with this tray wanting to fall into the floor. I mean, I was like dumbfounded, and I walked away and I went to another table, and I literally went through every possible scenario of why they could possibly have said that to me. So for 20 minutes, I was obsessing sitting on the one word which was no. Yeah, I knew everything else. And, and so then on, I got it that I could create whatever scenario I wanted. I got up and started to be social and, and went to a table where they said I can sit down. I was so grateful. But then that's what we do. We hear something and then we make it about us. It wasn't about me. I had no idea, right, what, what that was, right? And, and So if we can, yeah, so it's just listening to the words of someone else and having them not impact us, that it's about person. It's usually about them, you know, selection. They want oranges and you're apples. No big deal. Go find somebody who wants apples. Right. So yeah, so that's, that usually is what stops, stops us, is that fear of something that's going to happen that we won't be able to control. Or will trigger some negative emotion in us.

Okay, so yes, so that's definitely probably what's out there in 9.5 out of 10 people out there. So, other than—

Yeah.

Other than, you've given some great tips already, so there's tips of, you know, building it into your schedule if you want a dating life and you, you know, and again, I love how you talk about too that dating, it's dating, it's not mating. It's like, you know, just go out and engage and socialize. You build it into your schedule. You know that it's not about you. What are some other tips for overcoming those fears and excuses?

Well, first recognize that they are, and of course you have to get off that couch. Any party that we create at home, it does not serve us. So we can sit there and feel sorry, I gained weight, I lost weight, I'm this, I'm that, and then the couch becomes seems to get that slump, you know, that when you get up it's relieved. And if that slump is still there when you get up, you know, like I said, you sat there too long, get rid of it. So you just have to notice. You have to push yourself through it and gain the confidence. And confidence, Bernadette, comes from courage, which by getting out, maybe making a mistake, brushing yourself off. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I would show up at a dinner party and I didn't have the right outfit. I didn't read the entire invitation, so I was either overdressed or underdressed and I'm going, "Oh gosh, I can't believe it. I stick out like a sore thumb." But you know what? You get over it. And the next time you read the invitation. No.

Hey, I ran into it. I had that exact situation where someone invited me to a business event and I was so grateful for being invited and I dressed business, which, you know, to me, I'm always business.

I might be business casual every once in a while, but I'm typically, you know, in a dress of of some sort.

It was black tie. It was gowns. It was black tie. But I'll tell you what, I did use it to my advantage because I thought to myself, okay, I'm gonna stand out simply because I look unique to everybody else. And actually, I did meet a man that night. Actually, I did meet somebody that night. Very interesting. Very interesting.

I'm not saying we should always do that.

Yes.

But it's working. You know, I remember someone telling me, I was actually married and divorced 3 times because I didn't know that I had an option. So I remember someone at one of my workshops saying to me, "You really learned how to capitalize on 3 divorces." I said, "Absolutely." When I really got that the common denominator was me. I really was— I was able to turn my life around and forgive myself, forgive them, and then move on. And so continuing to forgiving yourself for making any kind of mistakes or bloopers, you know, usually by the time we get past 40, we've made them all. Yo, yeah, oh yeah, we've made all the mistakes, so it doesn't, so it doesn't matter. And, and it's about lightening up and then treating us the the way we would a best friend. And we all have friends that we really put our— bring our hearts to, and we don't always treat ourselves the same way, right? We can be our own best friend. We will forgive ourselves, we'll look at ourselves differently, we'll love our body no matter what it looks like, and we'll even bless the mistakes that we make because there are always lessons there.

Yeah, and you know, and it's, it's so relevant, and that's why I really wanted you to be a part of this program because, you know, we've talk about here at Shedding the Bitch Radio, that those bitches are all the angst and attitudes, insecurities, fears, feelings of unworthiness, whatever it is that is holding us up. And until we discover what they are and confront them honestly and then shed them, are we going to be able to create, you know, whatever life it is that we want. And that's exactly what you're speaking to, which I just absolutely love.

It takes another person, it takes a coach, and sometimes it takes a therapist. I mean, you know, I think I have a chapter in the book that says you can have fun while you're in therapy. It doesn't mean you have to wait till you're complete, because sometimes that takes a while.

Right.

But you can get out there and have a good time while you're visiting your therapist. I mean, at the end of this week, that you visit your therapist and then go out on the weekend. You know, it's just a process, and we have to allow it to happen. Yeah. Allow that process to take hold and just take little baby steps along the way.

Sure.

Now, you know, I do a whole workshop, I don't know if you want to do this or not, but on flirting. And you know what people say to me, well, how do you flirt? I say, well, what you do is you smile, you make eye contact, and let them know you're not going to chop their head off. That's it. You're approachable.

Yeah.

Period. There's nothing special about flirting. I can take through a whole workshop and I always start with that line, "Okay, thank you, I'm done." Oh, that's so—

well, and that's got to be fun. That's got to be fun to help people because I'm assuming your program is not only like about flirting, it's also to really dig in and understand what is, like you asked me earlier, what is holding you back from, you know, getting out there and putting your foot forward. And then do you also have coaching programs too, correct? You work one-on-one with individuals?

I do, absolutely. In fact, that's a good majority of what I do do, yes.

Right. You know, because—

and I think you— go ahead.

No, no, please, please.

Oh yeah, and I usually, you know, every someone I do know as a coach, when people hire you for a specific reason, they there is always life coaching that gets involved in it, you know, it's not just how do I find a date, it's okay, let's figure out what's going on internally. So life coaching, personal coaching is always involved in my executive coaching, my business coaching, and of course my dating relationship coaching. And I actually also work with couples, Bernadette, to date. I mean couples that have lost that pizzazz, we'll have some conversations about how do you reignite the romance, because romance should never go away. Sure. Single or married, it should, it should never go away. And so there's a little bit of that also, but it starts with who they are as people and what they want and what their values are, right? Well, and I've sometimes, you know, people will call me, but help me to date, and then I want to start from the unclutter your closet. They don't quite get— but it's always, it's all effects. We're affected by everything in our surroundings and everything we do.

Right. Well, you have to touch on that a little bit more because you just kind of stumped me in that statement about everything around you affects it. So could you dive into that a little bit?

Sure. Now, as a coach, because that's another thing that I do, part of it is with called the personal foundation. So when we're living in a lot of clutter and upset, you know, in our surroundings, it usually is part of how we are inside. Yes. So we're full of anxiety and fears and junk. So I will coach somebody for a month and have them clean out their closet and clean out their stuff and get rid of the old books that don't pertain to them anymore, like, uh, you know, um, photo and synonymous or whatever tag you want to have that no longer is relevant, has to go. And then they say, you know what, I feel 100% better. And all they did was get rid of stuff.

Right.

Well— It's so amazing.

Well, it's that old philosophy that, you know, a cluttered desk is a cluttered mind or however, you know, however that goes. No, that's a great point. And for all of you out there, I am talking to— this is Bernadette Boas with Shedding the Bitch Radio and I'm talking to Dee, the Dating Diva. And if you have any questions for her, you want to chat in, then go to 1-818-572-2910. And keep in mind too, I meant to say this at the beginning, stay tuned, don't drop, or listen through this all the way through if you're listening on archive, because Dee's got a great offer at the very end just for friends of Shedding the Bitch. So stay on, and if you don't have any questions, hang out and listen. And if you do, then feel free to jump in. Dee, tell me a little bit about the universityofdating.com because we can all use help as we were discussing here today. So what do you provide within the universityofdating.com?

I, I, you know, I'm referring to the coaching that we talked about and there's also workshops. They go to the site. You can see a whole listing of the various things that I do, including the flirting workshops, which is really so much fun. But just whatever, you know, How to Become the Date That You Want is really my most popular and the one that I get the most excited about, because it's really focused on us, what we have to do to change in our belief systems, a lot of things that I talked about already. You know what, I do want to recommend a book though, because in fact, two books.

Absolutely.

I absolutely fell upon last year and I used it with clients. It is called Calling in the One. Isn't that title fabulous?

That is fabulous.

It goes on to say you have 7 weeks to attract the love of your life. Quite frankly, it probably takes a little longer, but it is based on the law of attraction, but it is really based on what we have to do internally. It is written by Kathryn Woodward Thomas.

Kathryn Woodwin Thomas.

Captain Lily Thomas. And it says here, to start creating your best life, to bring in your perfect partner. Doesn't that sound lush and luscious?

Luscious, luscious, luscious. Yes, it does.

And clear away the obstacles that have been holding you back from love, because dating is really a dance to relationship, right? It really is, right? It's done with the spirit of, you know, I'm okay and you're okay. And we're gonna make something great happen here. Sometimes it takes a lot to do that, a lot of dates.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a serial dater.

Yeah, well, trust me, I used to be the blind dating queen. I used to love blind dates, and you could probably, like, you know, analyze this little thing about myself, but I used to love blind dates because there's absolutely no expectation you know, going out on a blind date, you know. And yet, I'm sure many men and women are like me, that when you do meet that one or that person— not the one, but the person who does give you butterflies— all of a sudden the expectation level increases so much that, you know, I could become a babbling idiot. So blind dating was my choice because Then I didn't have any expectation and I went out and I thought, okay, whatever happens happens. And you know, if it ends over, you know, one drink, that's fine too.

Right, right. You know what's real important though, whether it's a blind date or a date, you know, to be very authentic. And we don't need a date mask. No, we really don't. And it's so interesting how men in my life appreciate I mean, what they get is really who I am. And hopefully, you know, and so it comes back to me. They lighten up, you know. They get— and it's funny, now that I wrote the book and I have this alter ego of the Dating Diva, it's hilarious because they all think I'm judging them. And I'm absolutely not. I'm really not. I mean, I get questions And it's just like, how am I doing? And I'm going, what are they asking?

I have no idea what they're asking because I'm not there in my head.

So I have to tell them to relax. And that just tells me about their confidence level. But I have to relax and say, I'm not working right now. I'm on a date. And so far, I'm having a good time.

Yeah. No, it's so true because that's what everything that we talk about here, it's all about. Not wearing masks and not, you know, kind of pretending to be somebody that you're not, because that'll just— that reeks and repels. And trust me, I did that for years, as everyone knows that listens to my show. And, you know, ever since I let my guard down, it's— the world's opened up to so many other great possibilities and people and relationships and even dating. So it's definitely a a beautiful thing.

I got married 3 times because I became what they wanted. I had no idea who I was, none. And then a year later I got married and I got mad at me and I got mad at them and it wasn't pretty. So, you know, that's why, you know, we pretend because we need whatever it is that we need, the image or whatever. And when we give that up, boy, it is It is so liberating. Yep.

Well, in our last few minutes, I want to make sure I point out a couple of things for everybody before we get to your lovely bonus offer. One is please make sure you make a note of her book, Dating 101: The Second, Third, or Fourth Time Around. You can also find it on her website, theuniversityofdating.com. Of which then look at her other programs and look at— I love, I wish we could have gotten more into your program around How I Can Be the Date That I Want, and we'll do that next time because I'm sure this subject is going to get rave reviews and people are going to want to hear from you again. So we'll save that for next time. But also everyone, I do want to say that Dee is offering a free 30-minute coaching session with her, and you can talk all that you want to talk about when it comes to dating. So if you're interested in that offer, then please send a note to Dee, and it's real easy. It's dee, as in D-E-E, at theuniversityofdating.com. Dee, D-E-E, at theuniversityofdating.com. So please check her out. And then because the subject is so relevant and important and We do have to find a way, ladies and gentlemen, to find balance in our life, even though there's no such thing, but at least find balance to where— yes, I love the tip about scheduling it into your schedule. We need to date, we need to have relationships, we need to have our family around us as much as we need to work. So, you know, the best thing you could do for yourself is to, to really focus on all of that. And then Dee, I want to thank you for joining us Bernadette Boas and sharing all these great tips because I took away a whole bunch around scheduling, around being myself, around just going out to date and socialize as opposed to finding a mate, which a lot of us get hung up on. And, you know, and a number of other, other tips. And go to her Dating 101 book and you'll find great tips and exercises and even an agreement you can make to to yourself for you to focus on that. And then join us back here next Tuesday at noon, and we will have another great guest for you, and we will talk basically how can your attitude affect your money, which is a great subject nowadays. So we will discuss with Robert Kignak all of that next week. But I want to thank Dee, thank you so much for joining. And we will touch base next week.

You're welcome. I had great fun.

I did too. Thank you. Talk to you soon, everybody.

Bye now.