RICH Tips on Dealing with Bitches in the Workplace!

Welcome everyone to Shedding the Bitch Radio where we discuss, debate, and advise you on how to discover and shed all those angst attitudes and negative mindsets, or what we call bitches, out of your heart, your soul, and your spirit so you're able to achieve all of the successes and all the riches that you deserve in life. My name is Bernadette Boas and I'm your host. And today I want to start a 3-part series where we're going to discuss, initially today we're going to discuss how to deal with difficult people or situations in the workplace. And then I've been getting a lot of people over the last couple weeks of my kind of marketing and promoting this particular show coming up to me and asking me for other advice, for other advice dealing with, okay, what if that person doesn't know that they are so-called a bitch? Or how do I make a shift in someone that works with me, works for me, that deserves to really propel within their career, within their life, but at the same time they are— they're not recognizing kind of the negativity and the lashing out and the bitchiness that they are kind of putting out there. And whether or not anyone wants to believe it, eventually that will catch up with, with someone, as it did me. So over the next several weeks, I decided as of this morning that I was going to bring on some guests over the next couple weeks that can help talk through this with you and for you and dialogue with you around just how to overall deal with situations that are difficult in the workplace. And we'll, we'll talk a lot about that today, but also what can you do to kind of make people aware and help them to discover what it is that they're creating around themselves and therefore potentially doing damage to themselves and their dreams and their goals that they have for themselves. So stay tuned and check in, but in the meantime, join us today live at Shedding the Bitch Radio on BlogTalkRadio. So it's blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch. You can call in at 1-818-572-2910 and speak to us live. You can also go onto that BlogTalkRadio sheddingthebitch.com and chat with us online. Now, I'm not the best multitasker. As a matter of fact, right now I'm gonna pull up the chat room just in case somebody does wanna check in in that regard. However, there's a lot of ways for you to join us, for you to ask questions, and yet at the same time, I do receive questions and comments in various ways, and one of those is on our website sheddingthebitch.com. You can join in on the dialogue within the blog sites. You can send me a comment, a question, and I do have a number of those that I've collected over the last couple weeks leading up to this, to this show today. So join us live, join us in archive, and always feel free to email me at BernadetteBoas@BallOfFireInc.com or BernadetteBoas@SheddingTheBitch.com. Uh, because whatever it is that's holding you back from, in this case, having a very healthy, productive, and effective work environment for yourself and for everyone around you, we want to address those, and we want to help you to shed those angst and attitudes and negative mindsets that are going on within you or around you, uh, so everyone can realize the riches that they can, they can live each and every day. All right, so we're going to jump into it. One of the first things I ask people to, to do and to think about when it comes to this particular subject is put yourself— find a place where you can put yourself in the last situation or the last few situations that you've been confronted with that has caused a lot of angst or attitude for yourself. And maybe it was that, that nasty boss or that catty coworker or that kind of gossipy friend. And again, all of this, we're going to talk about the workplace, but at the same time, this can, you know, relate to anyone in any situation, whether you're in work or around the water cooler, or you are in a line at the grocery store, or you're in a restaurant, or you're with your group of friends out in public, whatever the case might be, and you run across a difficult situation, a difficult person, a bitchy person to have to deal with. And in my book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch, I realized through writing that book that who better to help you and advise you and guide you on how to deal with those type of people —then one of those people, like myself, that was creating that situation or those situations and encounters and those difficult conversations. So, feel free to pick my brain here live or in archive or online at sheddingthebitch.com and I can certainly help you navigate those avenues of stress when it comes to dealing with a difficult or confrontational type of person. So I want you to think about that last time that you really had a difficult, a difficult encounter with someone. The other thing I want you to think about too, which not a lot of people do, and I didn't for a long time, is are you a provoker of these situations, or are you the provokey, so to speak, if that is even such a word? But do you have a tendency to cause some difficult situations, difficult conversations, difficult confrontations, or are you the victim? And trust me, I get a lot of people coming to me about both sides. And on occasion, on occasion, I will ask them that question about whether or not they're contributing or provoking it, or are they just the victim. And some people will, once they start thinking about it and they're actually honest and open about it, they'll admit that they antagonize a situation or they even create it. And trust me, I was one to create a lot of these very difficult conversations for a very long time, and absolutely no one benefits from them and no one gets anything out of it. But we're going to talk a little bit more about that, about kind of what is the psyche, what is the psyche of a bitch or a difficult person. Person who just likes to create a lot of drama or angst and attitude. Um, so we'll get back into that in a minute. But so I want you to think about what is that last situation that you came across, um, that you would like kind of to understand how you could have handled it better. Um, then I want you to think about too, who was that person that was involved with you? Because I have found And specifically when it comes to the workplace, I have found that depending upon who it was will influence the degree of stress, the degree of conflict or confrontation, the degree of problem resolution, um, whether it's through yourself or through that other person. So for example, much different to deal with a coworker than it might be to deal with a peer or a manager or supervisor or superior, however you look at it. Because even though all those three— managers, supervisors, and superiors— could be kind of the same, they are somebody that you report to or somebody that is of higher level. For some reason, those terms really create more, uh, angst and intimidation for people. Somebody that they consider a superior as opposed to just a manager. And then it's very different as to how you deal with a team member, somebody that you work with on a day-in, day-out basis, and/or an employee, because then of course you have a different degree of weight to somewhat influence that in that situation, that confrontation. So also think about not only the last situation or the last few situations, but think about who was it that was involved. And would your dealing, or did your dealing with that situation differ because of the person that was involved? Okay, and so once you have a couple of those things involved or in your head, then think about who provoked the incident. Was it something that you were totally innocent of and totally a victim of? That you dealt with someone difficult. So for instance, I will admit that I got off— and this will go into the discussion on the psyche of a nasty bitchy or, you know, curt person. You know, I often got off, not always thinking about it, but I got off on the fact that way if I walked into a room, people would get nervous or feel intimidated by that. I got off on it from a power trip perspective, the authority, the— just the fact that somebody was looking up to me, although they weren't looking up to me. And if you think that they are looking up at you for being, you know, a nasty, curter defensive person, they're not. They're just scared to death of you and they don't want anything to do with you. And the sooner they can get through that you know, interaction with you, the better. And, uh, it even kind of startled me. I've been going through this transformation, and I can't even sometimes bring myself to think about those days that I was, uh, this nasty bitchy person. But at the same time, I tried to because I think it will only help you, and it will, and it only ever helps the people that I talk with. But last night, I happened to run into someone at an event that I haven't seen probably in 3, 3 and a half years, and we cycle together. And we kind of— we weren't friends, we were social acquaintances that happened to kind of cycle in the same, in the same group. And, uh, so I was so thrilled to see her and went up and, you know, gave her a big hug, and we were talking, and I was telling her about, you know, everything that's been happening to me around my book and around this radio show and all the other things that are going on that is very drastically different even a year ago, let alone 3 years ago. And so then she told me about herself and what was going on with her, and she said, you know, I have to be honest with you. And I thought, oh gosh, here it comes. She said, I was scared to death of you when I first met you. And she said, you just came off extremely overpowering and extremely intimidating. And extremely kind of in-your-face, aggressive in-your-face. And today I can laugh about it, and I did, you know, we had a good laugh about it. But 3 years ago, 4 years ago, for the last 25 years, you know, if you really want to understand the psyche of someone who likes to throw their weight around— and that's being nice— it is because they, just like that example of when I would walk into a room, it's like, it's that idea and that trip that someone gets off on making someone nervous or intimidated or getting people to stand at attention to them. So we're going to talk more about that because if you can understand what goes on in the mind of someone who's really nasty and someone who's really curt and bitchy, then you could handle the situations much better. So, we have some things that we want you to keep in mind and we want you to think about. And so, once you have that in your, in your thoughts and in your minds, let me run through some scenarios with you and give you some, some tips and some advice and some kind of lessons learned around whether or not how you're dealing with these things now are effective or not. And I see several people out there, so would love to, you know, hear your comments, have you jump in. Anyone on chat, I will tell you right now, not the best multitasker in the world. I'm trying to— I'm getting used to it. However, if you do have a question or a comment and you're on chat, then feel free to reach out to me, and I'll take your— I'll slow down and make sure that I can take your question or your comment. So now that we've kind of got a scenario in our head, and you know, the one thing, the first thing that I ask individuals to think about is, do you, you know, let me back up and say this. Some, some of these situations you're gonna run into They're going to be one-time situations. That person in the grocery store who is just nasty, or the, you know, the driver that was, you know, running alongside of you, or the person in a restaurant that, you know, is just treating you poorly, or kind of another table that's treating a waiter or waitress poorly, and you're kind of victim to it. So to speak. And then there's other situations where it's a daily ongoing thing, like someone at work and someone in the workplace, or actually someone in your home or someone within your social circle. And I can guarantee you that if you think about it, if you're blessed, you don't have anyone that's kind of draining you and dragging you down and putting a lot of drama and negativity into the world. However, you know, there are a good many of us that have those type of people in our lives. So whatever the situation, the encounter, and the individual is, just put them in your mind. But I want you to think about, especially if it's those one-timers— we'll address those first— those one-time situations where you run into someone at work or in your life that is just in a nasty mood, and therefore they just for some reason, you know, bite at you, or, you know, gets defensive with you, or curt with you, or just downright rude. And, you know, your immediate response is just to lash back at them, to really kind of just put up your guard and, you know, and kind of go into an attack mode. And the one thing I want you to think about whether it's that one, one-time situation or even the ongoing, is do you really understand what the other person might be dealing with? Do you really understand what might be provoking that other person? And, and a good scenario to, to put in your head is if you're a manager or a team member at work and you have someone that you work with on a regular basis that is difficult to kind of work with and partner with and collaborate with, try to put yourself in their shoes first before making any judgments about them, and try to kind of get a better understanding as to what might be provoking that person. So for instance, the person in the grocery store, you know, they might be— they might have a child at home, colicky, crying, screaming, yelling, and they haven't slept in days or weeks or months, and therefore they're, you know, they're lashing out at anybody and everybody around them. Or it could be the person, you know, that is driving erratically and, and, um, and creating a lot of road rage. And yet they just learned that someone in their life is injured, or, or God forbid, in some sort of harm, and therefore they're racing off to get to that, to that person or that situation. It could be the fact that, you know, if someone's at work and they have been for the last several months just lashing out and getting extremely aggressive and defensive and whatnot, it could be a family situation, or they might be dealing with a personal illness. I had, I had a friend who I couldn't really tell that I— it wasn't real obvious that her whole manner about her was changing. And very much like me, I mean, my whole story around shedding the corporate bitch really goes back to the fact that I made a conscious decision in my early 20s that in order to be successful, I was gonna take on this persona of a bitch because everyone around me that was successful and had power and money, blah, blah, blah, had that kind of personality. You know, no excuse, I'm just saying. And yet this friend of mine over time was developing the same type of transformation, I would call it, but it wasn't the transformation we like to talk about. And I didn't, I didn't really— it wasn't so obvious that it was, you know, in your face. But after a while it was just like, oh my gosh, you know. And the two of us, being that I was like this very in-your-face aggressive you know, curt type of woman, and she was too. It really started creating, you know, one heck of a drama in our workplace. And come to find out, and it took like months for us to find out, is she was having— she was— her husband was going through a very serious chronic illness, and she wasn't sharing it with anyone, and she was burdening herself with it. And therefore, over time, it just started eating at her and started really kind of wreaking havoc on her mental and emotional and spiritual state. And yet so many people around her, unfortunately, in that time period as gradual as it was, was starting to turn away from her and starting to ignore her and starting to avoid her. And she, you know, and her, even her management and her teammates weren't as supportive, you know, for her and with her as time in the past. And you definitely saw after a while that she was jeopardizing, everything was being jeopardized. She wasn't purposely jeopardizing it, you know, because she really didn't didn't see it herself, and she didn't know how to get out of it once she was in it. But, and it was just having a ripple-down effect. So my point is this, and then we'll move on. You just never know what the other person who's lashing out might be dealing with, whether it's that one-time situation or ongoing. So a few of the tips and a few of the things that we're going to talk about are going to have you kind of confront that or help to facilitate learning of that understanding. Because I've learned with myself that I had only wished someone called me out and kind of asked me why was I all of a sudden taking on this very, you know, nasty, aggressive defensive, curt type of behavior and attitude. And, uh, as opposed to just kind of blowing it off, because that's what normally happens— people just avoid those situations versus confronting them. And I seriously wish someone had confronted me, or at least asked some questions, because what I've learned in the writing of my book was I too had my own insecurities and intimidations and you know, childhood, young adult type of experiences, those little, you know, negative voices in your head and devils on your shoulders, whatever you might want to call them, that caused me to kind of feel better about being nasty because that was masking and just disguising a lot of my insecurities. So I have found time and time again, especially over this last couple of years of my self-discovery, so to speak, and now with so many people coming to me for advice and guidance and insights, that they're the same way. That they'll admit that they kind of threw themselves, like this woman with her husband dealing with cancer. She admitted eventually that she did keep it all to herself and therefore you know, she just started building up a great deal of resentment and anger because she didn't have a cure and she couldn't help her husband. And yet, if had she reached out and allowed people to help her, she might have been able to— she might have been able to shed, as I say, shed those bitches in her head and in her spirit and been a lot more productive. Not— she couldn't do anything for her husband, you know, I'm not saying that at all, but she might have just been able to save herself a lot of, of grief and heartache and angst in her own life. So I want you to think about that. That's my first big tip, is if you do run into someone, whether it be one time or on an ongoing basis, try to under— try to put yourself in their shoes and try to think about before, you know, doing anything or reacting, think about what they might be dealing with at that particular time. And what I would say is, don't— as hard as it is when something— you're confronted all of a sudden with something or someone, it's hard to not immediately react. And yet, if you just kind of plant your feet firmly on the ground and take a deep breath and just know that even if you for you know, 3 seconds, think about some other options or some other ways of handling the situation, it'll come out much different on the other end, addressing it in a calm, calm kind of firm manner as opposed to a very emotional, reactionary, in-your-face type of attacking manner. So that would be my second tip, is to kind of plant your feet, plant your, your, your soul, so to speak, and not react to the situation immediately, but at least, you know, get enough time in your mind to kind of think through what is the best way to handle this without getting, getting the conflict, getting the drama any more increased than it probably already is. Because keep in mind something, and this is what I had to learn, and it took me a long time to learn it. I had to learn that it didn't benefit anyone, especially me, by lashing out at people, by being curt or defensive or demeaning somebody. I might have thought it was an ego trip or a power trip at the moment, but I'll tell you what, it wreaked absolute havoc on my spirit and on my emotional state and physically. After a while. And even if it's that one-time split encounter, it is not worth it to get all worked up and lash out. Or think about the time that somebody's racing down the street and they maybe have cut you off and you just start yelling and screaming at somebody that can't hear you, at somebody that doesn't care that you're yelling and screaming at them. Because again, you don't know what they're going through, so you don't know what— why they're racing 95 miles an hour down the street. So you wanna— so you're standing there yelling and screaming and getting all worked up, but who's benefiting from it? Absolutely no one, especially yourself. The next one too is though, you can't avoid it. Now, you know, you don't want to kind of not confront the situation. Of course, that car racing down 90 miles an hour, you're not going to be able to address. But the woman in the grocery store or the person at work specifically You can deal with those situations. You can confront them and not avoid them, because once you avoid them, you're pretty much accepting that behavior, and therefore it won't stop. So going back to that first tip, or that second tip, is to kind of step back, assess what they might be going through, and then calmly and patiently and with some forethought then address the situation. But don't avoid it because it will just continue. The next one would be the best way to throw off— someone will always ask me, so what's the best way to handle someone like you, or an ex-bitch, or a bitch, you know, in a work environment? And I'll tell you what, the best thing to get me off guard, to have gotten me off guard, is to just ask me questions and to kind of kind of even say, you know, put it— throw it back at me and say, are you having a bad day? You know, did something happen on the way into work today? You know, something to make the person stop and think. And kind of, you're not telling them they're being— that they're being nasty, but you are. Subliminally, you are. And therefore, that person's going to stop and want to take in what you're— what you're saying. And, and this goes to even the person that you think is just that that nasty person day in and day out. I can guarantee you, you were not born to be bitches. We're not born to be nasty, and therefore there are things that are causing that— those people to be lashing out. So if you start asking a lot of questions and considering and getting them into a dialogue with you, as hard as that might seem, then that is your— the best way to to address them and handle them. And of course, it's not to get defensive and close off and not listen and not want to, uh, understand their viewpoint as much as your viewpoint. First off, you deserve to stand up for yourself, and you deserve not to be treated and disrespected by anyone. At the same time, again, always just think you just don't know what's going on in that other person's head, and therefore by confronting it, asking questions, you know, even, you know, throwing out to them, you know, why, you know, are you in a bad mood? You get up on the wrong side of the bed today is certainly that much better than avoiding it and/or getting defensive and, you know, kind of— 30 seconds. —and playing back into what it is that they're doing. And then the last tip would be to Work with them. This has caught me, this has definitely been successful with me, is work with that person to even come up with a suggestion or a solution to the issue. You know, even if you have a difficult boss or even a superior and you were to go into them and kind of, and make them aware that whatever it is that they're doing is making you very uncomfortable and is not making you productive and effective in the workplace and we need to find a solution to this problem, you'd be amazed at how, you know, all of a sudden that dialogue will open. Trust me, I know it sounds like almost impossible and you might be rolling your eyes at me, but I've been there and I'm those people that were creating these situations for you. So try to confront it and get them involved in the dialogue. I hope these tips were useful for you. We're gonna, like I said at the beginning, we're gonna continue this because I get a lot of people asking me about this type of situation and then how to kind of help those individuals shift or help even you shift. Because the other thing we'll talk about next week is you can't expect the other person to change. You have to change in order to make a situation different. So stay tuned, join us next Tuesday at noon on Shedding the Bitch Radio, and we'll talk more about this, this conversation. This is Bernadette Boas with Shedding the Bitch Radio. Thank you so much for joining us today. And I look forward to having you join next week. Take care, everybody. Have a wonderful, rich, and prosperous day.