Shed the INTIMIDATION Bitch!!

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Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at BlogTalkRadio.com/Shedding the bitch, or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back. 818-572-2910. Good day, good day, good day everyone. How How are you on this wonderful Tuesday, November? We're, I guess, halfway through, so we're gearing up. Holidays are upon us. Holiday commercials are upon us. I saw my first dressed-up house for the holidays already. Ah, but I won't say a greeting. I won't say the holiday greeting just yet. I just feel it's way, way, way too early. But I hope you're having a wonderful, beautiful day. I have to tell you, it's, um, I was just telling Deborah, it is cold here in Atlanta. Hotlanta is frigid. I guess we're getting that, um, that, uh, cold flow. I don't— I'm not a meteorologist. I'm, I'm lost for the word I'm looking for. Coming down from Canada. So we went from like high 60s down to about 30, and this evening it's going to get into the low 20s, which many of you experience maybe more often than not, but here in Atlanta we typically do not, especially in November. But for all of those that are caught up in this, because I believe they said there's like 41 states that are under this severe cold, snow, wind advisory. Please just stay safe. Just, just please stay safe. And to all of you dog owners who have your dogs outside in this frigid weather, shame on you. Bring them inside. There's a whole uproar on Nextdoor.com about this puppy being left out on, on a patio all day and all night long, and people are about to go and snatch it. From that patio, along with the cops, because it's just so unfair, so unfair. Don't have a pet if you can't take care of it. All right. I digress. But let me bring it back into the program. So, I hope you are all having a wonderful, wonderful day, week, and month of November. We've had some great programs recently. We had our Ask Bernadette episode, I guess I want to say it was last week, and yet it just seems like it would have been a couple weeks ago, but Ask Bernadette. And we had a really engaging conversation with a caller. She had seen, and I had asked her, she called me afterwards, I offered a, you know, a complimentary coaching session. Which is offered up to anybody listening to the program should you need, need some immediate help or support or whatever the case might be. By doing our Ask Bernadette episode, it was promoted out there that we were going to be talking about boundaries, we were going to be talking about kind of bad bosses and how to get them, you know, coaching, and we were also going to talk about writing a book. However, a couple minutes into the program, one of our callers, she really needed to talk, and she needed to talk not only about boundaries, but about a bad boss and about everything we were about to be talking about. So it went, you know, it was really nice to be able to support and help her and provide her some degree of insights live during the program. And in that program, like I mentioned, we talked about kind of boundaries and just what happens when you don't take care of yourself first before even helping everyone else around you. And that led into even when you're dealing in this boundary situation, when you're even dealing with a bad boss, how do you manage that? And then how can you, uh, kind of suggest to them in a very productive and supportive way that they could be so much more effective and productive as a leader should they get some professional support from, for instance, a coach. And we focused pretty much on Deborah and her— not Deborah Parker, our Parker House Virtual Services social media and radio producer. That's on the program as we speak. But this was a separate Deborah. And we did, you know, focus as much as we could on her specific situation. But I will have full disclosure and honesty with all of you.

I—

Deborah Parker, our radio producer, she even pointed out afterwards that since, you know, Deborah— the caller's situations were so aligned to what we were going to be talking about, that, you know, we could put aside things like the topic around writing a book, even though it was your question, one of your questions, we could put that aside so we can really focus on and digging deep into Deborah's situation and, you know, and allow the listeners to really hear the insights and the advice and the input and, and also her struggle, which many of you probably can relate to. And that was beautiful insight and feedback to me. And we can only learn and grow if we are open to listening to feedback such as that. So I will kind of focus on that as we move forward. A number of you prefer to just kind of listen and download and take it with you as opposed to join in on our conversations. Yet we always— I know Deborah and I would love it for having you to call in. So I want you to know that if you do, then you're going to be our focus for the program because you are our focus for our community. And as much as we want to answer all the questions that are also given to us during the month, we'll do that. And so, for instance, next week we're going to make a whole show around how to write a book because that was the question that really kind of got rushed and didn't get, um, didn't get into, uh, that deeply. So next week's show is going to be all around that because one of our listeners and one of our community members had asked me it several weeks ago. And as much as I was able to provide her some in-depth, an hour-long, 90-minute-long, um, conversation about it, I know there's many of you who, uh, you know, have considered writing a book for yourself. So thank you for every— to everybody for a great ask for Bernadette Boas episode. And you can always go to shanezovich.com and download it there. You can go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio, or you can go to Apple Podcasts and a number of other streaming services to download that program. And again, we talked about how to create boundaries, how to suggest to a bad boss that they could benefit from some leadership coaching, and then briefly we got into how to write a book, but don't worry about it because we're going to cover it all next week. And we've had some other great discussions. We've talked about shedding the Mental Stigma Bitch, which was all around a hashtag, #StopTheStigma, around mental health. So that was an in-depth conversation around that. We've talked about confronting tough topics of life, like having deep conversations about dying or depression or abuse or suicide, and really ensuring that you have you're armed with some great questions and some great skills such as listening in order to really confront those difficult conversations, whether that is something you're dealing with or someone within your life. Today on the program, kind of stemming out of all of these discussions that we are having together on the program over the last, 8 or 9 months of the year. We are talking about shedding the intimidation bitch. Now this is a subject that it kind of gets swept under the rug and/or it gets blended into a conversation around bullying. Because bullying is a form of intimidation, whether it is in your personal life or at work. But intimidation takes, you know, kind of takes a lot of turns. It's impacted in a lot of ways and impacts in a lot of ways. It also takes, what I was trying to say earlier and I'm stumbling over my words, it takes a lot of forms. So, for instance, one could be intimidated, one can be the intimidator, And then one can be where they're not really aware that they're intimidating other people, and they just might want to be aware of it, though, as you'll hear, I wouldn't want anybody to be changing their ways if it's not about them and it's about the other person who is feeling intimidated. So we kind of want to address all of that, and we want to make sure that you have tips and tools and techniques that you can use to either shed the intimidation bitch, address it, confront it, deal with it, and move on from it. Or if there's a chance that you are the intimidator, what do you need to do to shed it as well? Because trust me, when I say— and I am proof in the pudding— that it does not serve you and it won't benefit you and it will bite you in the butt sooner or later. So we'll get into all of that. Now, based on our topic of intimidation, your rich question for today, which for those of you listening to, to the program for the first time, our rich question is a question posed to you specifically grounding you in the topic that we're talking about. Today. So you might have joined the program and you're like, well, I'm not dealing with intimidation in my life. And yet at the same time, if it's not you, it could be somebody else. And if it's not you needing to address it, you could help someone else address it. So we want you to really not just kind of have your earbuds in or, or have your volume turned up and sitting in the background. We really want you engaged. So our rich questions kind of pose it to you so you can think about how the topic affects you, impacts you, influences you, so forth and so on. So our rich question for today is, what situation or behavior intimidates you? So think about it. Let your guard down. Let your pride down. Let your ego down. Because many of us don't want to admit and confess that we are easily intimidated. And if we're not easily intimidated, there are things that intimidate us. And yet, unless you do acknowledge that, even if it's just to yourself, then you're always going to find yourself in situations where you're being intimidated for some reason, shape, or form. And intimidation is all centered around fear. So we want to make sure that you are not living life in a fearful state of being. So, what situation or behavior intimidates you? If you want to Facebook with us, tweet with us, you can use our witch tags, as we call them, #shedintimidation, or as always, #shedthebitch. All right, when we get back, we're going to dive into this conversation. We're going to give you loads of tips and advice all around how you can shed the intimidation bitch. We will be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business. Available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors: North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate size clients. Go to ngtaxsolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium size businesses. Email deborahparker@parkerhouseservices.com. Deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

All right everyone, welcome back. We are talking what to do to shed the intimidation bitch and all, in all forms of intimidation. I found a very simple definition, explanation for intimidation on vocabulary.com. And they— so you think about the word intimidate, and they go on to say, you can see timid in the middle of intimidate, and to be timid is to be frightened or to pull back from something. When you intimidate, you actually frighten or make someone afraid. So if you're the person being intimidated or you're the one intimidating people knowingly, consciously, purposely. Think about that. You frighten or make someone afraid. They go on to say, which I found very interesting, to frighten or make fearful is at the root of the verb intimidate. An animal might intimidate a smaller animal by baring its teeth, and a person can intimidate another by threatening to do something harmful. You can intimidate with mental or emotional bullying, as well as with something physical. Now, you know, my viewpoint as well is at the same time, you could be the person, as I mentioned, doing the intimidating, whether you're aware of it or not. So, there's those three kind of forms of intimidation. There's the one that's being intimidated, there is the intimidator, And there's even someone that's intimidating other people, but they're not consciously aware of it or purposely doing it. And we'll talk about that as well. Now, how does one intimidate? What kind of behaviors fall under the category of intimidation? So for some, just grounding here, we want to make sure everybody's on the same page because, again, your rich question is, what situation or behavior intimidates you? So I want you to be really thinking about it as far as how do these type of behaviors affect you? How do you respond to them? It's being curt, demeaning, or cruel to someone. It's judging, ridiculing, or insulting. You could be yelling or being very demanding. You could actually cause physical harm or threat. It could be emotional manipulation. Or it could be your physical mannerisms, just the way you're carrying yourself or someone else is carrying themselves. Minimizing you in front of others, finding fault in everything or anything that you do. Taking credit for your work is a form of intimidation because a lot of times people don't speak up. Sabotaging your work or setting you up to fail. And failing to, even failing to establish goals, expectations, or measurements reasonably. And then once set, they don't assess them fairly. Now as you can tell, there's a blend of kind of what I'll call personal professional behavior someone can take on, and then there's obviously and some purely professional ones that will happen at your workplace. So, these things can happen at home, they can happen at school, they can happen online, as many of us experience. They can happen obviously in the workplace, in your relationships, whether it's your family, your friends, even a loved one. Maybe you're getting into a new relationship. Maybe you've been in the relationship. It can happen on the car lot, at a store, it can happen at a bank. People use psychological games in order for another person to feel fearful or frightened, timid, insecure, so they don't ask for what they want. They don't pursue their goals. They don't raise their hand, they don't step up and ask for a promotion, they won't, you know, be the smartest person in the room, so forth and so on. So there's a lot of effects, there's a lot of emotions that can come up when it comes to, in any way, shape, or form, being intimidated, let alone being the one to intimidate. And we'll get into it in a second, but you're speaking to the pro here when it comes to being the intimidator, or at one time being the intimidator. So I'm also going to use my personal experiences to help you understand and then to address it. Now, this gets into— this is a good segue into Why would one intimidate? So why would one person purposely hurt or make fearful or frighten someone else? Now that's a loaded question, right? You're probably all rolling your eyes because, oh boy, people, it just seems like in this world today, and I do believe it's exacerbated from social media and the media as a whole. Because everything just always seems to be pushed out there that's ugly, let alone, you know, as opposed to, uh, kind and warm and happy and joyful. But, but there are people who purposely and consciously, uh, you know, spend their day wanting to intimidate another person. And the reason it truly is— and this is coming from me first and then I'll, you know, kind of add to that. But it's coming from purely their fears and insecurities about themselves, about their life, about where they are, about what they have and what they lack. It's definitely a testament to their perceived self-worth, which is little. So it definitely reflects how they feel about themselves and how valuable they feel that they are, not only to the world, to the work, to the family, but more importantly and especially to themselves. These are people who are unsure of how to pursue and accomplish what it is that they want. Or they're scared to death of going out and taking the risk and doing the work and asking the hard questions and putting themselves in uncomfortable situations in order to, you know, be able to pursue and achieve their goals. A lot of times these individuals, they don't even sit down to write and define their goals and to admit to their goals because they're so intimidated internally to actually acknowledging them, because once they acknowledge them, they then are very conscious that if they don't do anything about it, then their, you know, then their self-worth goes down even further, is devalued even more so. They As a result of all of that, they also don't want to see other people succeed, or they don't want other people to be goal-oriented, or they don't want them to be dream chasers. And a lot— majority of the time, the reason for that is they don't want someone to change. And this is a conversation that I have a lot with a lot with my clients is that they're so fearful of someone changing. And if they change, if the other person changes, then what, where are they left? So if you've ever, you know, put it in your head around and try to just, you know, think about whether you've experienced that if a friend went on and maybe she met the man of her dreams or the woman of her dreams and you know, and how did you feel about that? And then if she went on to marry and have children, or maybe a friend lost a whole bunch of weight and now she looks hot, uh, and you're still struggling on a regular basis to do the same. Maybe they got promotions and they're traveling the world and, and they, you know, pretty much have what you want. Um, you know, there's that, you know, there's that whole fear of that this person who's chasing their dreams is going to, um, is, is going to change themselves, and they'd rather you stay exactly the way, the way you are. So they try to intimidate you and manipulate you and emotionally drain you to keep you where you're at. I read this fabulous, um, I'll call it a quote. And I found it as kind of one of those inspirational quote images online when I was looking through some things that we'd be sharing with you around intimidation. And I came up with this quote, or I'll call it even like a little poem, from a Dean Jackson. And it says, when she transformed into a butterfly, The caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings. And when I read that, I almost like shed a tear or two because it's so profound in such simple words. But it is talking about, you know, it is a reflection of what it is that we're talking about. It's about one changing and moving on and flying, flying away, and those feeling left behind or being left behind are trying to hold her back or him back. When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillar spoke not of her beauty but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she had always been, but she had wings. Now, someone online, when I did share this, uh, yesterday, someone online came back to me and said, is that Dean Jackson, the, the marketer? I guess he's a big-time guru marketing guy. I, I don't know, and, um, I will— I mentioned to her that I will look it up and see if I can kind of link back to who this actual person, Dean Jackson, is. I just found that to be totally profound. But if you really want to understand why someone intimidates, why someone wants to judge, ridicule, emotionally manipulate, why someone wants to minimize you or find fault in you, sabotage your work, set you up for failure, whatever the case might be. This, this small little vignette is just a very profound, uh, illustration of it. It's because of the fact that they aren't secure enough in themselves to pursue their own goals and dreams. They don't want anyone else to. And once they see that you are then they try to hold you back. So, you know, why does one intimidate? Now, I will tell you from my viewpoint, from my years of being an intimidator/bitch, I will tell you that I got off on it. So now I want you to, as I explain this, I want you to kind of put yourself in a situation where you might have a really nasty boss and/or you just have someone around you that is extremely intimidating, extremely demanding, extremely curt, extremely demeaning. And I really want you to watch and kind of paint this visual that I'm going to paint for you and maybe put yourself into the, to the shoes, in this case my shoes, so you can really understand what was going on within me, because it will be the absolute explanation on why I was the way I was and why other people today are the way they are, and therefore how can you respond to that type of individual. So I'll paint you just a couple scenarios. One of them would be, I absolutely got off on intimidating people. I got off on seeing someone else squirm. I got off on walking into a room, whether it was a social event or a professional event, and maybe it was a meeting, a gathering of some sorts, and I loved people kind of adjusting themselves, sitting up straight, sitting back, doing something because they're, you know, because they're intimidated and they're fearful of my presence, of what I might do, what I might say, how I might treat them. I got off on when, you know, socially I would go out, especially when it came to men, you know, and just kind of overpowering them with cockiness, with attitude, with arrogance, with a lot of just, you know, behavior that I just wanted to ensure that they understood that they couldn't get the better of me. I got off on going into restaurants or going into stores or shopping at, you know, Nordstrom and kind of bullying and pushing around the servers. The cash register people, the attendants, and being very demanding to them, expecting them to drop everything and, and take care of me. So you need to know and understand, if you want to understand intimidation and you want to understand those people that are doing it to you, maybe, or maybe you are the person doing it, uh, you need to understand they are well aware of the fact, going back to that vocabulary.com definition, that they are creating fear and they are creating timidness. Is that a word? And they are trying to frighten you. They are very aware of it. And if they're not consciously aware of it, if you listen to the program, you'll hear me every once in a while say, you know, it sits on the surface. If it is not literally on the surface for that person, like it was not 100% of the time for me, but there were certainly times where I postured and positioned and prepared myself as I went about my world to intimidate. Because I thought it, and the persons who are doing it, maybe to you, are thinking that it gives them power. They are thinking that it gives them relevancy, that it gives them distinction, and it certainly does. At least distinction and distinction, because you're being distinguished as something other than, you know, what you want to be distinguished of, unless you truly do want to be a bitch and an intimidator. So you have to kind of envision that there are people walking around purposely doing that. You'll have employees, or maybe even your direct reports, that will actually threaten reporting you on something. They'll be demanding about what it is that they want, what it is that they're not getting. They'll try to sabotage your work. They'll judge, mock, or ridicule you in front of other people. Maybe you find somebody who dismisses your ideas in a group. Steals your ideas, spreads rumors, or minimize your role in some way, shape, or form as a means of intimidation, as a means of keeping you in your place, as a means of— just like that, just like that Dean Jackson vignette— they don't want you to change. They want you to stay exactly who you are, where you are, what you are, and And, you know, and when they see any opportunity to pull you back or push you down, they're going to do it. Sadly, I had a— sadly, I had an employee. I was in my early 30s. She was in her early 20s, right out of college. Smart, oh, smart, smart, smart, and just just a really, uh, strong whippersnapper. I mean, she— I knew she was going places, um, and it, you know, and it could be, you know, on my heel, um, but it was going to be under my heel, uh, you know, if I had anything to do with it back at this time. So this is like, you know, 20 years ago, uh, and I I bullied, I, you know, put this list down of the things that I tried to do to keep her down and hold her back and keep her from moving forward. I did it. And so let me go on to explain and kind of expand on the why people are like this. Again, it's one's own insecurities. One's own fears, one's own lack of self-worth, one's own fear of intimidation, who is somebody who is intimidated by other people, who is intimidated by that young person who's up and coming and they're going to take their job, or they're going to look better than they are, or they're going to get the bigger office. A peer maybe gets the bigger office. They're struggling with you know, whether or not they're a fraud and they're an imposter, not believing that they deserve themselves, um, the, the work, the position, the title, the money, the office, whatever the case might be. And they can be consumed by it. And I will tell you, I was personally consumed by it. I was consumed over you know, all kinds of insecurities and doubts about myself. And while at the same time knowing and believing that I was really good at what I did, and I was very valued for the work that I did, and I put my clients first, and I put my, you know, my, my teams first, but my client came first before my team. James did. You know, so there's this kind of struggle going on. But, you know, intimidation can, can take in all of those forms, especially by that person who consciously and is purposely trying to intimidate. And I could go on in regards to how you could be getting intimidated. Even in your personal life, it could be loved ones or new relationships that are ridiculing, ridiculing your dress, your looks, your weight, your appearance, your intelligence, your stability, your career, your finances. They're, they're, you know, intimidating you about, you know, a move you might be making, you know, because you want to go off and, and pursue your goals and your dreams. And they, remember, go back to Dean Jackson, they don't want you to change. So they want to keep you exactly the way you are. Now I'm going to let you all sit on that for, for a minute or two. We're going to take a quick break. I'm going to get some water because I'm about to start hacking on you. And when we get back, I want to talk about the impacts, excuse me, and then get into the steps that you could be taking in order to deal and even confront a situation that, that you might be dealing with in your life right now. We will be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to ngtaxsolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern Time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. We are talking how to shed the intimidation bitch, and it can get ugly and it can have one hell of an impact on on all areas of your life. So let's talk about those impacts. Some people are like, well, I'm not easily intimidated, or I am very, very, you know, easily intimidated to where it just, you know, drains every ounce of energy out of me. And both of those situations and both of those impacts are accurate. Because it can start eating at your confidence and your own self-worth. Even if you walked into a situation, walked into a new job, walked into a relationship, and you were confident and secure and optimistic and, and determined and persistent and, you know, had all the— and valued yourself greatly, knew who you were, All of a sudden someone comes along and starts eating away at that. And it's a slow process. Sometimes it's a full-on, a full-on hurricane or tornado, but most of the time it's this slow draining of your soul. But it can continue to impact your attitude, your mood, your focus, your clarity. Your productivity, whether that is at work or at home. It could certainly start impacting your health mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Next thing you know, you know, people are drinking too much, popping pills too much, hurting themselves too much, working out too much, just to kind of handle handle this, the pain and the fear. It can even start impacting your, yourself financially. All of a sudden you're, you're filling that hole of sadness, depression, uh, fear, fear with spending, you know, whether that's buying a lot of clothes or buying that beer or that liquor or those pills or eating out too much or working out too much. It can, you know, just affect every aspect of your life. It can even just, just picture this. If you've been in a situation dealing with an intimidator, you're constantly on guard. You're constantly walking on eggshells. You're constantly emotionally just Drained by having to kind of just maneuver through all the crap that they're spewing at you. So you really need to find the ways to combat it. Now I want to also, you know, make sure if there is anybody on this, you know, listening to this program, and I know my audience wouldn't be the intimidators, but Intimidation takes a lot of forms, as we mentioned, and even the slightest little jealousy or the slightest little envy or manipulation that you might, you know, feel toward or act on towards someone in your, in your world, whether that's personally or professionally, you're an intimidator if that's the case. You don't have to be extreme like I once was. You know, you— it could be just even, you know, subtle and, you know, maybe toward one person as opposed to you thinking that generally you're an intimidator. But to those intimidators, this is what I said to myself 10 years ago when I was realizing how ugly of a person I was in doing anything and treating people with anything but kindness and compassion and warmth and support and coaching and guidance and love, quite honestly. So for any of those who are, you know, in any way hurting or demeaning or judging or ridiculing somebody, the impacts are also on you. The, you know, the, the emotional toll that judging and hating takes, that being a Negative Nelly not being a devil's advocate, that are, you know, always, you know, pessimistic and looking at things, you know, looking at that glass half full or half empty. I'm sorry. You know, it's also having a toll on you because one, we were not born to be cruel and to be full of hate and to judge. And to ridicule and demean other people. We are not, as humans, we're not meant to go at war with a fellow, you know, man or woman. So the toll is just as much on you as it is on the people that you're intimidating. You may not see that, you may not feel that, but trust me, it will eventually will eventually build up and, and reveal itself to you. And basically, that's what happened to me, uh, back in 2008 when I went on this kind of self-discovery journey and saw myself very clearly in the mirror and fell to the ground in just outright shame and pain and sadness and fear, recognizing the intimidator, the bully, the bitch that I was. And it wreaks havoc on you in all aspects of your life and does great damage if you don't take care of it appropriately or proactively, or even not necessarily proactive once you've become self-aware around your behavior. Now, what can one do? What steps can you take? If you are dealing with intimidation, what can you, what can you do? Now I want you to go back to your risk question, and I want you to think about that one situation or behavior that intimidates you. Maybe you even picture in your mind the person or persons that intimidate you, and then look at what is the situation, the event, the environment that when with them, it intimidates you. Now I want you to, before we go on to that, I want you to also think about the fact that it does— intimidation doesn't have to come from a second party. Or third, fourth, fifth, or sixth. Intimidation can also just wreak havoc within yourself. Then you— you're intimidated by a change you're about to make. You're intimidated by a risk that you need to take or a situation that you're dealing with. So for instance, if you have financial situations and you're dealing with banks or IRS or your mortgage company, if you have health issues and you're You're scared and intimidated by doctors, just as we mentioned at the top of this discussion, of all the places that can intimidate you. So it doesn't necessarily even need to be somebody out there consciously and purposely trying to keep you down. You're doing it to yourself. So it's really important, going back to our rich question, to really think about that and to really become self-aware of what situation or behavior intimidates you. And if you didn't put a name or, you know, a specific person to it, that's okay because it may not be. It may be just something that is self-induced, so to speak. But here are some steps that you could take to really kind of confront intimidation and handle it and shed it once and for all so you can move on. First of all, like I mentioned, and even the definition on vocabulary.com mentions, it has to do with your own degree of confidence and feeling of self-worth. You can't be intimidated if you are very secure and know who you are. And, of course, that's what shedding the bitch is all about, but we're not going to get into all of that of how to, you know, become self-aware and and to really learn about who you are. But I will just, you know, I will just blanket say that you just need to work on you. You need to really take time each and every day to work on yourself. Who you are, who you aren't, who you want to be, what you want, what you don't. Again, we talk a lot about it here. So I'll just leave it at that. But you won't and can't be intimidated if you're really grounded in who you are and what you stand for. So that's, that's the big kind of takeaway I want you to have. And whatever it takes for you to get to that place, then those, those are steps that you could be taking as well. And of course, that's also an area you can reach out to me and, you know, let me know how I can help you. Now, another key thing that I suggest to people when it comes to dealing with anybody and confronting somebody who intimidates you— and this is going to be about a second party, third, fourth, or fifth that is in your world and intimidating you. Again, with all the reasons I gave you as to why someone would purposely go out and hurt or make someone feel fearful, I want you to look at that person, almost put yourself in their shoes, and just feel compassion for them. Pity them. Knowing that I just, you know, informed you, even from my own experience, that someone only intimidates because they lack their own degree of confidence and self-worth and value and importance and relevancy and security. Look at that and feel compassion toward that. As opposed to kind of knee-jerk reacting to their ugly behavior. Almost sit there and just sit in compassion for them. I've mentioned this before and I'll mention it quickly. I was dealing with a situation, it wasn't someone necessarily intimidating me, it was more so that they just weren't good for me. They weren't serving my spirit and my heart well. They were negative, they were manipulative, they were a number of things that do fall on this list. But if I— I would never have said that they intimidated me. But long story short, I, I decided to, um, and this was actually during my early shedding years, I went to a hypnotherapist that I happened to meet out at a at a business event. So I decided to sit down with Nancy and just talk to her about it. And this was her advice, as corny as it sounded, as corny as it sounded, I'm going to tell you right now, but worked. She didn't use the words I'm using with you— pity, compassion— she just simply said, you know, the next time this person comes into your, you know, into your world, so to speak, whether that's a phone call or an email or or, you know, coming face to face at him then or whatnot. She said, just simply start saying to yourself, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. And just continue to say that until you yourself calm down, are able to breathe, aren't getting, you know, easily, um, agitated, not reacting to this person. And you're just putting them in this place, almost in a box, and you're— she didn't use the word compassion, but basically she's saying, and you're feeling compassion for this person. And I thought that that was a bunch of hogwash. I walked away. 5 minutes after I leave this appointment, no lie, this individual happens to call me. And as I'm looking at my phone and her number coming across, I, you know, I just, I said hello, and the next thing you know, I'm saying to myself, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. And I couldn't believe the shift that that created within myself. It allowed me to kind of take deep breaths, to be calm, to feel compassion toward this person. And actually handle that conversation. And even though, even in that conversation, the sky, you know, I'm saying the sky is blue and she's saying the sky is black, and I'm saying it's a beautiful day and she's saying no, it's ugly, I just allowed myself to kind of put myself in her shoes and feel compassion toward her. So if that helps you in any way, shape, or form, That is something— thank you, Nancy, very much for that single piece of advice, you know, 10 years ago, because I still use it today. Now, then you have to kind of get more practical, what I'll call practical, and that is, you know, okay, fine, Bernadette, but 5 minutes from now, I'm going to stop listening to this program while I'm at lunch break and I have to go back into this environment with this person. Well, then you really need to do some preparation. You need to, you know, kind of do some planning. You need to first— what I would always suggest, and we've talked about visualization in the past— you need to mentally prepare yourself for going back into that environment with that person. And being a leadership coach and a business coach, I deal with this a lot where people are in environments with, you know, whether it's their peer, employee, or boss that they just butt heads with and/or the person's an intimidator. You need to kind of always mentally prepare yourself for putting yourself into that situation. Put the person in a box and put them in a place where it's not going to have, you know, negative impacts on you or what you're trying to do is minimize it as much as possible. Now, in order to do that, and in order to really understand the other person, you really need to kind of sit down and understand for yourself that, going back to our rich question, what are the situations or behaviors that this person or persons put you in that intimidate you? So really understand them, not just in your head, kind of, creating a lot of drama for yourself. But write it out. What are those situations? When we're in a meeting, she dismisses my ideas. When we're in a meeting, I get nervous about raising my hand and speaking up. When we're in a big room of people, I don't stand up and want to voice my opinion. Whatever the situations might be that are intimidating to you, self-inflicted or, you know, inflicted by a second, third person, then I want you to really make sure you understand those. And I want you to make sure that you understand the impact of them. Because if you really get down to the situations and events that create the intimidation and the feelings and impacts that you are having toward them, you are going to come to a conclusion like, oh, crap, I do not want to be dealing with this. And there is a way to address it. Now, what you could do as well, for those of you in the business environment, maybe dealing with, excuse me, an employee, a peer, or a boss, you could go to someone who knows that person and confide in them and ask them for advice. You don't want to go to them and bitch and complain and whine. They might go right to that person and a lot of intimidators love the fact that now you're going looking, you know, looking and spewing how much they're impacting you and they're just going to make it, they're just going to escalate their intimidation. So what you really want to do is you want to just learn about the person. You want to learn what motivates that individual. You want to learn what their goals and agendas are. So majority of the time, my clients deal with a boss who has great ambition, a lot of goals to rise up in, in the, the company. Well, I am here to tell you, they will never make it. They think they're— it's working for them today. They won't make it to where they want to go because someone's eventually going to get sick and tired of that type of behavior. And they're going to let that person go, and they're not even going to give them the support of having a leadership coach or having training or education or anything like that. So you want to find out what their motivations and, you know, goals and ambitions are, and you want to kind of feed into it. You want to support it, so to speak. So, for instance, a conversation could go like, you know, if you're— and it's a— and much more involved. But you're going to create a plan for communicating to that person and really kind of providing them coaching, so to speak, while making suggestions to them, letting them know that, you know, Joe, I see that your main goal here is to advance to senior director, but yet I'm concerned for you that, you know, the team is feeling a lot of, you know, not injustice, but I, you know, I'm concerned that the way you're going about managing your team and uplifting your team, or the lack of developing your team, training your team, supporting your team, is going to have a bad reflection on you wanting to go and get that job. I'm concerned that if someone were to suggest that you had a 360 assessment done, I'm concerned for you, you know, what some of your employees or your peers are going to say about you, which could impact you getting that job. You kind of— you just want to feed into what motivates them. You may even learn that there is something going on in their personal life that you then can be compassionate toward and supportive of and get that direct, firm discussion with them that I just need to let you know and give you some observations that I, you know, I'm sorry for the things that are going on on the outside, but they're severely and negatively impacting everything going on in the inside, and the team is just not wanting to step up and support you. There's a lot of different ways that you can go about having a direct, firm conversation. You know, you definitely want to recognize that words matter in these situations. What you say, how you react, how you behave yourself. And you could be setting yourself up, I call it like acting, to have a posture and have a behavior and have a, a stance about yourself that also puts them off, as far as you not being timid, you not being, you know, insecure, that kind of thing. And if you're, you know, the one being— the one doing the intimidating, shame on you. Spend time learning about yourself. Recognize that fact that someday it's going to backfire. And definitely reach out to me or even get my book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch, and you'll learn about the impact that that will have on you, not only in the short term, but definitely in the long term. Well, there was more that we can cover, and I will be sure to put all of this in a blog post for all of you, but again, don't hesitate to reach out to me. And next week, we are going to dive deep into the subject of how to write a book. But until then, I hope all of you have a rich and prosperous week and shed that intimidation bitch. We'll talk to you next week. Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.