Step 3 of the 5 Steps to Shed Your Bitches

Good day, good day, good day everyone! How are you on this beautiful, somewhat rainy, stormy day that I'm experiencing here in Atlanta, Georgia? I hope it is beautiful no matter where you are around the world. But we are talking the 5 steps to shed your bitches, those bitches of fear, insecurity, negativity, uh, doubt, low self-worth, any limiting belief that's keeping you from creating the riches in life that you deserve. And so beginning on Monday, we talked about, uh, the first step, which is all about Discover. And we went through how you can really kind of dig deep, excavate your soul as I call it, and really understand who you are, uh, what you want, what is working your life, what's not working in your life. What are you really working your little tail off to achieve? And so much more. So you can go back, um, on either our Shedding the Bitch Facebook page right where you are right now, or you might be watching this on our Shedding the Bitch YouTube channel and take a look at for day 1, which is all about discover. And then yesterday we talked about the fact that as you're discovering things about yourself, it's not a matter of, oh, okay, and then you kind of put it on the shelf. And you don't do anything with it. You kind of want to what I call confront it. Now, confronting it is not a negative word. It's not one that has to be driven by conflict or drama. It's simply to confront it for what it is— good, bad, or indifferent, ugly or beautiful, painful or joyful, whatever. So you look at all those things, both your bitches, those limiting beliefs, fears, negativities, doubts, insecurities that you have, as well as your riches. We talked about honoring your riches, which are your traits and qualities and personality and characteristics, experiences, expertise, accomplishments, you name it. So, um, discover and confront. And again, take a look at both of those. And what that does is, in this 5 steps to shed your bitches, it really creates tremendous, tremendous shifts in both your internal and your external world. And if you need proof pudding of that, well, I have tons of clients from the last 12 years. But all you need to do is actually is to ask me and look at me, because I certainly was in a state of real ugliness, real insecurity, real intimidation, real lack, real, uh, desperation, real anxiety, real imposter syndrome, uh, 12, 15, 25, 30 years ago, but for, for several decades. And it wasn't until I really started doing the work myself, on myself, I kind of identified these 5 steps. And I also identified, as a result of my own story, which I have talked about over the last couple days, and I'll share more stories today through, Friday, but where it's all captured in my book Shedding the Corporate Bitch. And that in itself should tell you a great deal of my story. And so, um, you know, I am of the belief, as I'm challenged often— not as often as I used to be, but I'm challenged often— can someone really change? Can you really let go of all of the limiting beliefs, all that crap that is holding you down, that is, is making you feel depressed or sad or anxious or fearful or doubtful, um, making you feel as if you don't deserve or you're not worthy. You can learn to let all of that go and then bring in and really honor all those riches, all those beauty marks, all of those wonderful things about you, even those kind of warts, those scars because those are who you are, you know. You, you, you know, earned them through what you've been through. But guess what? You've been through them. And hopefully, if you haven't been through them, that's what this is all about. So Monday, again, we talked about Discover. Yesterday we talked about Confront. And today I want to share with you and talk to you about the third step, which is Shedding. Okay, and what this is really about is recognizing from your discovering and your confronting what is not working for you. Now, that could be people, places, things. It could be experiences. It could be beliefs. It could be stories you're telling yourself that you need to— as you discovered and confronted them, you need to make a decision. This is the point of decision. This is the point of action. This is the point of major change and transformation. Though, as you're discovering new things about yourself, or you're willing to finally acknowledge and admit and confront, um, things throughout your lifetime that we've talked about the last couple days, you're now prepared to kind of make a decision. What am I going to do with all of this new information, with all this new truth, with all this new honesty about myself? All right, so, um, that is what I want you to be thinking about as we have this conversation and we even kind of continue over the next couple days is what are you willing to do? What are you— what decisions are you willing to make? What new decisions can you be making? Because keep in mind, even letting go or shedding those limiting beliefs that you have is simply making a new decision about them. It's— it could be that simple. Now Is it like all of a sudden going to wipe away everything that you've been thinking about yourself, or you've been thinking about something else? Or like, for instance, if, if you've had bad relationships in the past and they've created great trauma and great, um, insecurity and fear within yourself, you can make— certainly make a new decision about relationships, about trust, about intimacy, about love. Um, but at the same time it could take you time once you've made that decision to really work your way into it. At this, you know, on the other hand, you also could have like this major aha moment where you have discovered and confronted it to the point where you've made the decision, yes, I'm going to let it go. And that decision in itself kind of, you know, turns a switch in your heart and in your mind, and you do indeed let it go and you, you know, you have a whole new belief system about it. And isn't— and wouldn't that be a wonderful, wonderful thing? And I've experienced it numerous times over the last 12 years, and I'm sure I have my entire life, except I've never paid attention to it before, and until, you know, this last 12 years. So let me give you a few scenarios. I talked about some things about, you know, what I discovered about myself on Monday. And bottom line is, as my Shedding the Corporate Bitch book title, um, states very clearly, very clearly, um, is that I was a very nasty, nasty individual. I know it's hard to believe, I know, no, but I was. I was just— I was always guarded. I was very defensive. I was full of angst. And that's the one word that even people over the last 12 years, um, have always asked me about. Why do you use the word angst all the time? Well, because that's exactly, exactly what I was feeling. I was just full of angst, and that just created me to project, you know, being very short, abrasive, curt, defensive. Rude, um, demanding, bullish, uh, to other people. Now keep in mind, how you talk to other people is a reflection of who you are and how you're talking to yourself. So just imagine how I was also, you know, beating myself up. I was also allowing myself to, to, you know, be curt and abrasive and demeaning to myself. And so Um, you know, having acknowledged and recognized that, to discover and confronting that, it certainly wasn't as if I was jumping up for joy. Woohoo! Yay, this is fun, right? So, you know, I'm not sharing, you know, sharing this with you and, and saying, oh, it's going to be all kind of roses, um, as you go through this journey. But trust me when I say it is the most liberating and freeing and joyful thing on the other side of it that you'll ever experience. Trust me, trust me, trust me when I say that. I have an itchy nose, so excuse me. All right, so, um, as I was, you know, discovering the nasty woman I was, confronting that with all the shame and disgust and humiliation and embarrassment and, and, um just disgust I felt for myself. Um, I then had to kind of make decisions about it. All right, what was I going to do about this? What was I going to, you know, do within the shedding process? I recognized that I was making decisions about what I was going to let go, what I was going to forgive myself over, and then how was I going to, um, apologize. Uh, and yet that's almost impossible. How do you apologize to 25 years worth of individuals? Of people, situations, experiences. You know, the stranger, you know, in the bar, or the colleague at work, or my sibling, or a parent that's now gone, or whatever the case might be. So I had to kind of reconcile all that. And so in the shedding process, that's what you're gonna do, and we'll talk about that in a minute. But the, you know, but as I discovered and I confronted these things, I, I did. I made decisions about what exactly did I need to do in order to let that individual, that being, go and, you know, kind of work on who I wanted to be and work toward being that individual, being that woman, being that friend, that lover, that aunt, that, you know, um, friend, that colleague, that coach, consultant, whatever the case might be. So I, you know, I recognize that the individual that I was attracted individuals that were very similar to me. And some of those individuals, um, I had known for decades— not days, not years, but decades. And yet I, you know, had to reconcile that in order for me to go where I wanted to go and be the woman I wanted to be, I had to let some things go, and I had to let some people go, and I had to let some places that I hung out or, or that I traveled to or that I socialized or, you know, that I worked with. I had to let all of that go. And so shedding is all about making those new decisions. And part of those decisions is who are those people, places, things, experiences, you know, beliefs that I just need to shed from my life. And so the people, places, and things are very— the external are very challenging for people. What do you mean, you know, if I'm not happy in the relationship that I'm in, or in the work that I'm doing, or the, um, the cus— um, the company I'm working for, or the type of clients that I'm, that I'm working with, or, or the work that I'm doing, even if I'm a business owner? Uh, what do you mean about, you know, the hobbies that I have and the places that I go and the sports that I play, or the, um, you know, the social circles I hang out in? You know what, you know, you're telling me I have to let, let these things go? And that could even include like immediate family members. And the, you know, so a coach asks questions. And so the first thing I would say is, well, how are all of those things working for you? How are they contributing to you being the best version of you you can be by being extremely joyful and happy and fulfilled, by being, feeling complete, by uplifting you and inspiring, inspiring you and motivating you to go and achieve your goals? You know, so forth and so on. How are all of those various things, people and places, uh, working? And should any of those not be working for you, you have to make a decision as to how, how you want them to continue to be in your universe, in your world as you move forward. Because if you're not willing to make those hard decisions and those new decisions, Um, to have that new, bigger, better, different life or being, then you're just going to stay exactly where you are. And if you've done any of the Discover and Confront work, you probably already recognized you don't want what you already have. You want something new, bigger, different, and better. So yes, there's hard, hard decisions. So I was going through this process myself. And I had a— I'll call a very large circle of acquaintances, and I had a decent size, a couple dozen, uh, maybe a little less than that, of really, you know, what I would call tight friendships, uh, excluding my family because they're a dozen on their own, but excluding my family. And so I, shortly after leaving corporate, having been fired, going on this discovery and shedding process, realizing that what a nasty person I was, taking a look and confronting what I needed to and making new decisions about, you know, who I needed in my life, who I wanted in my life, you know, the places, things, and, you know, so forth and so on. I recognized that I needed to move away, not physically move away, but I needed to distance myself, but, you know, from people that I had been, you know, that I've had in my life for quite some time. And I found myself several— I would say several months after making these new decisions and taking these new steps and creating this new distance, I found myself for a good year or so sitting on my couch alone with my pup at the time, Charlie. Here I went from somebody who threw all these huge lavish parties and was out like 5 times a week socializing you know, going to dinners, having, you know, um, you know, going to festivals, that kind of thing. Very active, very active, uh, sports-wise, you know, fitness-wise, health-wise, as well as social-wise. And here I found myself sitting on my couch alone, and I'm saying alone, not lonely, but alone with my pup. And yet I was the happiest, happiest woman in the world. Now I should say they were probably happy too. I'm okay admitting that they probably also recognized that I wasn't, you know, in the state of being that I was in at the time, I wasn't any good for them either. They were probably putting up with quite a bit as well. And so, um, I also recognized that it was better for them as well, but I needed to do that even while I was sitting there alone on my couch and not doing the normal things that I had been doing for 25 years. All of a sudden, I'm not doing any of it, other than I threw myself into, into starting my own business and doing the— and doing work. So, you know, that's hard. It was also hard for me to make the decision that— and which I recognized immediately— that the world that I was in from a, from a corporate career perspective also was feeding that nasty, nasty corporate tyrant that I was. It was feeding it. And therefore I had to kind of go on a diet and let that go. And so I made the decision that I wasn't going back into corporate. I wasn't going to go find another job, you know, despite the offers I had gotten after I left that one company, you know, to go back into corporate and be another corporate executive making really nice money and traveling the world, so forth and so on. I I thought, oh my, I almost like felt suffocated. I was like, yeah, yeah, I can't do that, I can't do that. That, you know, that's the woman I'm trying to shed out of my being, and therefore I can't put myself back into that situation. So the next thing you know, I'm giving up a very nice salary and a nice career and a nice position and a nice office and choosing to work my little tail off again, but in a different way, on my own. With building a business from scratch, therefore zero, and, and working my way, my way back. So that was another big decision I had to make as far as letting things go. I then, uh, fast forward to 2014. All right, so I left in 2008, I'm doing all this work, and again, I've always talked about the fact that your, your what I call your shifting or shedding journey is not kind of a one-time deal and you've moved on and you're wonderful, but it's a life. So I found myself in 2014— full disclosure— I found myself in 2014 having, you know, decided to give up all that nice cushiony safety net of, of a salary and a, and, um, healthcare and travel and all that to go on my own. And it was going very well, yet at the same time the investment that you have to make in building a business was definitely costing me. And so I, you know, in— I think it was '15, 2015— I made the decision that I would downsize out of my main house. My corporate career, you know, afforded me very nicely a beautiful home. So I decided that I would downsize out of my main house and I would move into my guest house, which is about 450 square feet. And I would purge and get rid of all of those materialistic possessions that I owned because I couldn't take them with me, um, into such a small space. And that was going to be another decision I make and then compromise and sacrifice I make in order to really work on being the person that I wanted to be. So the question when it comes to the shedding phase it that you need to ask yourself is how important are your goals? How important is that why that you have for the dreams and the goals that you have for yourself? How willing are you to make the hard decisions, compromises, sacrifices that you need to in order to find that place of joy and that place confidence and that place of fulfillment and completion and, and excitement and clarity. And I don't know if I use the word freedom, but freedom to be who you are truly meant to be. How— what kind of, you know, sacrifice? What kind of compromise would you make? What kind of decision would you make in order to find that? And I made some really, really big-ass decisions. Even my friends and family were just like, what are you talking about? What, what, what are you doing? You're going out on your own, you're giving up your, you know, cushiony job, you're moving into your guest house, you're, you know, kind of eating peas, um, as I called it for a few years. Um, because I went off to then not only not work, but I also went off to, uh, you know, take on writing and, um, therefore, you know, really made some sacrifices and compromises in my life as a result of wanting to shed what was not working for me, what was not serving me any anymore, and what would give me the opportunity to really kind of find the space to work on me and to build whatever it was that I wanted in my work, in my life. All right, so what you just need to consider is what are those things that you're willing to shed? Not only the people, places, and things, but what are those beliefs that have been so ingrained in you that you're willing to kind of look at them, confront? You're, you're willing to, um, forgive yourself, which is key, is to forgive yourself that for having those beliefs. Maybe forgive the, the people, places, and things that created that belief, and then to let it go, to just kind of say, okay, you're not going to affect me anymore. Remember what I— the story I, I mentioned both yesterday, um, yesterday and Monday about the fact that I'm, yeah, middle child of 12, and for the first 10 years of my life, I, I deeply, deeply believed that I was adopted And you'll have to go back to listen to that story. And yet, you know, my parents were like, seriously, really? Are you— you know, I was 10 and my mother just giggled at me. And of course I'm not. And of course I went on to recognize how similar I am to my brothers and sisters. At the same time, though, that's that feeling of not belonging. That feeling of not fitting in, that feeling of being different stayed with me, I would say, until my mid-40s when I finally recognized that a lot of what was driving my angst was, you know, those experiences that I then instilled, embedded as beliefs that then turned into my emotions, feelings, thoughts, words, and actions. And once I kind of went, holy crap, in the Discover, Confront, and Shed phase, I decided, okay, I have no reason to be hanging on to that anymore. Fear is false evidence appearing real. That feel of not fitting in, that fear of not fitting in, of not belonging— I, I then had to look at back for proof that I didn't fit in, that I didn't belong, that I wasn't welcome, that I didn't like have true friendships, true love. And I had to look back and go Yeah, that's not true. Yeah, that's not true. Yeah, these guys, you know, I, uh, you know, loved me and continue to love me, so forth and so on. And I had to eventually decide, okay, I need to let that go. Okay, so as you work through, um, the shedding process, you want to look at, you know, what you've discovered, what you've confronted, and what you've, what you've shedded. Um, And at some point you might have to say, okay, I need to forgive myself for having, um, having these beliefs, having these thoughts, having these emotions, these feelings. Um, I need to forgive the other parties for, um, maybe contributing to your trauma, to your fear, to your doubt and insecurity. It could be things that people said to you, you know, as you were growing up. Or the way people treated you, or the places that you went that put you in precarious situations, or the experiences that you had that weren't so beautiful and lovely and fun and happy. They were painful and, and hard and scary, so forth and so on. But they're in the past, and you can't change that. That experience has still happened. What you can do is you can change your story and the way you're viewing it by forgiving yourself, forgiving it, and letting it go. And let— and leave it there. Just leave it there. You can't do anything about it. It can't come back. So you might as well just say adiós, amigos, and shed it once and for all. Okay, so this is what I want you to do, um, when it comes to the discover, confront, and, and shed steps, the first three that we've been talking about all week. Very simply, I mean, this is how, like, archaic and simple it could be. So you could take a piece of paper and, you know, put columns, columns down in it, and you can list what it is you're discovering about yourself. And we discussed very briefly— I'll, I'll, um, reiterate that on Monday we discussed how you can go back from, you know, the very earliest memory you have yourself and just work your way up to all the experiences, all the encounters, all the relationships, all the um, all of the accomplishments, all of the activities, all of the transitions and changes in your life— good, bad, or indifferent— and really make a note of them. And make a note of both the, the easy and the hard, and the, the easy, hard, and the joyful and fun and happy ones. Remember, we're talking about both bitches and riches. So we want to pull out all of those things that have created our fears, insecurities, doubts, limiting beliefs, what we call bitches. So then you can work on really recognizing and honoring the riches that make you who you are, because we tend to go to the left, what I'll call the left, to the bitches really easily. You know, we're, we're really, really kind of smart. I, I guess that's the wrong word, but we're real— it's really easy for us to beat ourselves up as opposed to honor ourselves. So you want to do both in your discovering, and then you want to confront. So you might look at all the things that you've discovered about yourself and then start confronting certain ones, and certain ones you don't because maybe they are painful, maybe they are difficult, maybe they are uncomfortable right now. Okay, so you decide that, you know, you're, you're writing out some things about, you know, what you're going to confront about these things you're discovering, but not all of them maybe. And, you know, and you go at your pace, you go at your pace. And then what I want you to do is be thinking about, okay, so, you know, what are those people, places, things, beliefs, stories, negative self-talk, whatever the case might be that I need to work on shedding from my life. Now, of course, you're not going to want to shed those things that you honor about yourself, the riches. You want to actually hold on to them, even enrich them going forward. But definitely, you— again, you want to focus on both, because in the hardest, hardest, hardest of times, um, in the deepest, deepest, deepest of fear, insecurity, or doubt, or pain that you're feeling, anxiety, stress, that you have over something going on, the best springboard that you can use is looking at your riches. Having that list, having that, that, you know, laundry list of all the things that make you the wonderful person that you are. And you look at that to kind of create proof that all the fear, insecurity, doubt, and negativity you're feeling is not necessarily true. And therefore, if you can find a solution, if you can work on shedding it, you can, you know, work on letting it go. Okay? And again, trust me when I say, as you're going through each of these steps, you're already shifting and growing and changing and moving toward what it is you truly want out of this one life that you have to live that goes really, really fast. And so at your pace with your self-care, um, you're able to work your way, your work, work your way through to where then you get into the shedding and you making those decisions about what you need to let go and then what you want to hold on to and advance with you. And then you, you know, you start working on, okay, so how am I going to go about this? What is this going to look like? You know, people, places, and things, let alone limiting beliefs. You know, there's going to be a process. How do I all of a sudden let go of maybe family members or a relationship or a community or work or whatever the case might be that is not working for you? I've had clients that have moved, gotten divorced, gotten married, um, you know, kind of taken on new jobs, uh, moved completely out of country, uh, to really go and finally pursue what it is that they've always wanted to pursue. Okay, now if you should find yourself where you want help in working through this, then consider scheduling a powerhouse session with me to discuss our 3-month Discover You immersion, where we go deep into really working with you— uh, me working with you one-on-one to work through all of these, all of these phases. And then tomorrow we're going to talk about Once you've gone through this, and not even once you've gone through it, even as you're going through it, you're going to want to create new. Okay, you want to create new. So go to tiny.cc/powerhousesession and schedule time with me. I mean, there's no obligation, and you can get tips and strategies and support in wherever you are in your own journey. Okay, and then like I said, uh, tomorrow we're going to be talking about the create phase, and this is so much fun. So I'll look forward to, um, having you there as we continue the 5 steps to shed your bitches. All right, take care everybody. Bye.