Stop Fearing Tough Conversations. Let's Talk About Them

Blog Talk Radio. Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitch or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back.

888-518-572-2910. Good day, good day, good day everyone.

How are you on this beautiful day, morning, evening, wherever, whatever it is, wherever you are? I hope you're doing well because Deborah and I were just talking about it. You know, when people say, "Oh, how you doing?" and you're like, "Okay, I'm great," or, you know, "Just fine," no real substance. I said, then just shock them and say, "You know, shitty. I feel really shitty. Life is shitty," and just see how they respond to you. But I can't do that today because life is good. I'm here with my Shedding the Bits community. I'm here with Deborah. Life is good. And we have a deep, deep conversation for today. It's all around stopping the fear of difficult conversations or tough conversations. And this is more personal than professional. So we've had discussions in the past about having those difficult professional conversations in the workplace. And it did kind of move over into relationships and life, but more so on the professional side. This is more so an extension of our conversations that we've had over the last few weeks.

So last week we had in studio Sharon Williams, a a guest from the past and a colleague friend of mine, and she's a healthcare management consultant, and she's just a beautiful person.

And we had had a conversation last week regarding mortal moments. That conversation stemmed from an actual lunch meeting that we had had back in August, I think it was, and it was really just to catch up, but then turned into a deep conversation about getting stuck and questioning purpose in life.

And then she brought on this conversation about mortal moments, and I thought that that would be a great conversation, um, to extend into the Shedding the Bitch community.

And that's what we did last week. So certainly go back to, uh, blogtalkradio.com to our Shedding the Bitch radio page, sheddingthebitch.com, or Apple Podcasts, and you can find that episode. You can also go to YouTube because, like I said, she was in studio and we videotaped. I finally put on some lipstick and some mascara, and I thought we should also videotape it so it's on our Shedding the Bitch YouTube channel. Uh, but today, from that conversation— I should say, from that conversation, I thought, you know, there's this whole aspect of life around people not wanting to kind of have those difficult conversations, whether it's about death or about an illness or about a bad relationship or what they're going through. And I thought that that was something important to do. And so we're going to get into all of that, all that today. But before we do, like I mentioned, our previous episodes are were with Sharon Williams, Mortal Moments, and again you can check that out on YouTube or Apple Podcasts.

The week before it was our Ask Bernadette episode, and we talked about a number of things.

We talked about the difference between diversity and inclusion that you asked about. We talked about whether or not there are safe places online where you can kind of, I guess, let yourself loose and and not be kind of picked up on the radar of employers, hiring managers, clients, et cetera. We talked about going freelance and if you wanted to become a freelancer, what are some steps you can take, and a number of other things. So that's our Ask Bernadette episode. And actually, it was a couple, if not 3 weeks ago, because it's the first Tuesday of every month is our Ask Bernadette episode where you pose your question, story, or challenge on Facebook or Twitter, or you send them directly to me at BernadetteBoas@sheddingthebitch.com, or the majority of them come through on LinkedIn. And, uh, you know, however you want to reach in to myself and the community, uh, please do so.

So that's the first Tuesday of the month.

I answer your question right away. But then I would hold on to them and bring them to that First Tuesday right here onto the program in case, one, you want to jump on a phone call and dig into the conversation even deeper with me, but also to share those same types of tips and advice that I would have responded back to you with, with the community because, you know, we can certainly all learn from one another. Because between last week's episode with Sharon and our Ask Bernadette episode, the first Tuesday of the month, we also talked about visualizing. We had a previous episode about the fact that you can't just visualize what it is that you want, your dreams, your goals. You have to actually deep-rooted, deep-ingrained believe in what it is that you are working hard to do.

But I wanted to address the visual—

visualization. I wanted to address kind of the step before believing, or it could come in conjunction with it. So we talked about visualizing the why and the how. Can you use visualization to also ground yourself into your goals and your dreams and put an action plan in place and set out and achieve them.

So go back to our BlogTalkRadio Shedding the Bits radio page, go to sheddingthebits.com, or go to Apple Podcasts, and you'll find all of our episodes out there.

Some of them have gotten really, really deep, and some of them are just very informative and hopefully inspiring for you. And we would always love your comments about the program. On Facebook or Twitter on our Shed in the Bitch pages. So that is our rich news in regards to our past programs. So like I mentioned, today's discussion really got me thinking because over the last several weeks a number of things have popped up either in my news streams or in my encounters with people such as Sharon and our discussion regarding mortal moments. I actually thought we were talking about facing mortality and facing, you know, the fact that one day we won't be here and what does that mean regarding our legacy, those type of things. And it turned out to be a subject on something even more inspiring and more kind of heartwarming, at the same heart-wrenching. And that is when life just kind of trips you up to where you start questioning your purpose and you start questioning what it is that you're working so hard on, and yet that doesn't seem to be materializing. So that then made me start thinking about, okay, so she, you know, she trusted me enough to ask me some tough questions, and I was able to respond with some tough questions back to her, and really kind of open herself up in regards to those mortal moments. So I thought that that was something that was definitely distinct and something that we should dig deeper into. But then I saw the news briefing in regards to Beyoncé's father, and him confronting the fact that not only does he have cancer, but he has breast cancer. And he acknowledged and confessed that he was embarrassed and ashamed. Breast cancer is a pink, you know, disease. It's a woman's disease. It's not a male disease. And yet he also confessed that how ignorant is that because men have breasts just like women.

And he shared with the interviewer the fact that it took him time to kind of open up and let somebody else in, his wife specifically, in regards to that prognosis, and therefore kind of the next steps that needed to be taken.

After that, and kind of amping up to this evening, there have been commercials in regards to Diane Sawyer's interviews Tonight, 10 o'clock on ABC. They don't pay me to plug, but I'm plugging them. But she's having a conversation with Michael Douglas and, and Michael's son Cameron, and it's all around addiction. And the pain, the pain on Michael Douglas's face just, just like a knife just pierced my heart and just my heart cried for him, yet, yet, let alone for Cameron and what he was going through. So all of these things, topics, got me thinking about how heart-wrenching it is for someone to not only be part of someone else's suffering, but that individual who is suffering how hard it is for them to be vulnerable and to be open and to allow people in to their pain, to their self-doubt, to their lack of confidence, to their uncertainty, to their unknowing of what to do to get themselves out of any particular situation. You know, any one of us who's lived on this earth any amount of time knows that we all are faced with this at one point in time, that there's just something or a situation or an encounter or an illness that we just have a hard time ourselves confronting, let alone opening ourselves up and letting others in. And it was that that kind of really, kind of really got me all worked up with a number of emotions, whether it was determination that we have this conversation, whether it was feeling uncomfortable myself that people don't want to sometimes, or aren't ready to, let's say that, aren't ready to confront. Their pain, their vulnerability, their fear. And yet I kind of just knew deep in my heart that if we could start a conversation here, then, you know, maybe you listening to this, you hearing this, you letting it kind of seep into your, your heart and even into your mind, you would then go and share it and use what it is that we talk about in the tips and the advice and the stories with someone else who might need someone to also hear and listen and be open to. So, I want to discuss the why and the how you can confront your own fears and/or you can help someone else.

Confront their fears. So all of us, all of you, can then work to shed them and create and move on forward into the life that you really want for yourself. So that's what we're going to talk about.

It's the why and the how do we deal with the difficult conversations, the difficult topics, and how do we embrace them so we can get a kind of a support team, kind of tribe around us to help us work through them and/or to be that helper. Now, if you're online live listening to this, you can call me at 1-818-572-2910 to kind of share your story, your situation, ask your question, and I would be honored, honored to provide you some tips and advice. Now, your rich question for today, and if you're listening to this program for the first time, our rich questions are a question based on the topic to ground yourself into the conversation. If you're thinking, oh, well, you know, I'll just kind of listen to this while I'm working or watching TV or doing something else, we really want you engaged, and we want you to be kind of leveraging our conversation to see if there's anything within your world that you can leverage the tips and the advice and the dialogue that we are having.

So that's the rich question.

And for today, the rich question is, what is one aspect of your life you are afraid of talking about? It could be an aspect, it could be a topic, it could be a situation, an event, an encounter that you've had that you're uncomfortable talking about and sharing. So, what is that one aspect of your life you are afraid of talking about? And if you'd like to tweet and Facebook with us, you can use our rich tags, that would be #DifficultConversations. Or hashtag #ShedTheBitch. So think about that as we go for a commercial break, and when we get back, we'll dive deep into this conversation of difficult conversations. We'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to NGTaxSolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at Media Relations questions@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back, everyone. We are talking about those topics, situations, encounters, events in our lives that we have a difficult time talking about. Now, it could be as simple as, you know, the fear of dying. It could be an illness or a diagnosis. It could be an experience of abuse. It could be about a bullying episode, a number of things, basically anything. And it could be from the past, it could be something going on right now, or it could be a fear, because many of us live in fear of the future, of what's going to happen.

So, when I mentioned death, it's, you know, the fear of dying.

Which, you know, let's say it's in the way future for all of us. And they're uncomfortable subjects, they're uncomfortable topics to talk about, and yet at the same time, absolutely, absolutely critical, critical, critical. And it doesn't matter how small or big the situation is, because even if the smallest of fear, insecurity, doubt, negativity from a situation, encounter, experience, event is keeping you from being the best you, the most productive, the most loving, the most engaging, the most pure and authentic you, then it is— I would deem it critical. Many of us, many especially women, they'll kind of roll their eyes and they'll be like, "No, no, no, it's not about me. It's about my family. It's about my children. It's about my boss, about my work, about the community." It's about everybody else but that individual. And I can just say, take the advice of the airlines. Put a mask on yourself first. Take care of yourself first in order for you to be the best person and able to take care of everybody else around you. As corny and overused as that analogy is, and I'll be the first to say I use it a lot, but it's so true. And it paints such a simple, logical, valuable picture as to why it's so important, why it is critical.

For you to take care of yourself so you can take care of those around you.

So, as I mentioned, there was a number of stories, events that had happened recently that got me thinking about today's subject. So, let's just dive into them a little bit deeper to understand really the essence of them. So, last week, as I mentioned, Sharon and I discussed mortal moments. Now, as I mentioned, though she was talking about those times where you all of a sudden realize and start questioning whether or not you know, there's a purpose for you in this world and what you're working on is important. I looked at it as— I looked at the subject when we originally talked about it as a subject that was going to be about facing mortality. I, I, I'm 57 now, but when I turned 55, I don't know what it was about that number. I had never thought about aging. I never looked down at it, you know, aging, whether it was when I turned 40, when I turned 50. But something happened at 55 when all of a sudden my mortality radar went off, and I realized that I wasn't immortal like you, you know, feel like when you're 15, 20, 25, that I had to be more cautious. I had to, you know, really consider the risks I was taking, um, physically or emotionally or, you know, financially. It didn't matter. I, you know, all of a sudden became very, very aware of my mortality, and it freaked me out. It, you know, got me thinking. It kind of made me very, very uncomfortable, though I'm happy to say that it didn't make me so uncomfortable and so scared that I didn't start talking about it. And maybe it's because it's what I do, you know, whether it's here on the radio or whether it's with my friends, I talk. Now that hasn't always been me. That hasn't always been me. I was always one to kind of push it down deep inside and not share and not ask for help and not confront, but have realized too over the years that that is detrimental in all aspects of one's world. So I started asking folks about their thoughts about dying, and what I found interesting is here I was ready to blah blah blah blah and throw up all over everyone to kind of get everybody else's perspective and then to kind of work on my own, and yet you know, you kind of attract, you know, who you are. So I have a very talkative, very opinionated group of friends and colleagues, and they went dead silent when it came to this subject. Dead silent. They just weren't comfortable talking about it. Then when I saw that interview with Beyoncé's father about his breast cancer, Now, keeping in mind this month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, shout out to all those survivors, shout out to all the supporters around those survivors. What stunned me when he, you know, was disclosing his breast cancer diagnosis is 2,700 men will be diagnosed this year with breast cancer. I fall guilty of the fact that I don't—

that, you know, when I hear breast cancer, I consider it a pink, you know, epidemic, a pink disease.

Let alone, that was his thoughts and his feelings, was he was embarrassed and ashamed and didn't talk about it initially because of the fact that he thought it was a woman's disease. Even as he's, you know, kind of recognizing the changes to his breast, he didn't go and, you know, kind of confront it. There was also, not in that same news brief, but there was also another news brief about a man and his wife, and I'm totally forgetting the position, the role of this man. Anyway, he was— he had noticed changes to his breast, he had noticed changes to his nipple, and some other things going on. Did not get it addressed immediately, waited about 3 months, and that 3 months, that just that window of that 3 months, took him from being an early cancer diagnosis to stage 4. And within 18 months after that lost his life. And now his wife is left saying, "If only." So I just, I just, you know, I just kind of felt for them. At the same time though, we can't ignore the 41,000 women, 41,000 women that will also be diagnosed with the disease.

Whether and whether or not they are confronting it or, you know, running from it.

You all know my story from several months ago. I guess it was July or August. I was— I got called back for a bad mammogram, and I'll tell you what, you know, I kind of just went inward. When they called me back. I didn't really— I didn't tell anybody.

I wasn't about to tell my family and freak them out.

And then I sat in that, in that room as I went through about 4 or 5 rounds of different— I mean, they kept sending me through going, nope, we need another one, nope, we need another one, nope, we're going to send you over to another procedure.

And, you know, with each one, I'm just sitting there just breaking down more and more and more.

Fortunately, I did start texting a friend who happens to be a nurse and sharing with her that I'm sitting here freaking out, and, you know, she just kept me, kept me comforted and assured and said, you know, it's going— it is what it's going to be, so just kind of let it, let it work, though. Work the process, just work the process, and don't get ahead of yourself.

So I feel, and And I should say everything came out beautifully and clean, and there was just something distorted on the readings they were getting. So 41,000 women will be diagnosed. 41,000 women will be confronted with, you know, their approach to dealing with this difficult situation, this difficult experience, a journey that they're about to go on. And then, as I mentioned, tonight at 10 o'clock on ABC, Diane Sawyer will talk with Michael Douglas and his son Cameron about Cameron's addiction and the, you know, and Michael's fears in regards to losing his son.

Not losing his son to addiction in regards to just like, you know, he's often in the world alive as an addict, but more so dying from being an addict. And the just the pain on his face is just gut-wrenching. So all, you know, all of these parts of life are— as many as there's joyful experiences in our lives, there are these times that are just gut-wrenching. But they're also critical, critical, critical, critical subjects for us to confront. Whether we are what I'm going to call the sufferers. I don't want to use the word victim, I want to use the word sufferer. And then also of those that are the loved ones who are supporters of those sufferers, because I think it's important that whether it's in the asking for help or in the loving of those that need the help. We need to be okay. We need to be okay with letting others in, with being vulnerable, with opening up our hearts, with letting other people see who we really are in all of our beauty marks and all of our warts, in all of our joy and all of our pain. So, we just, each and every one of us just needs to find those tools, those tips, those ways that we can go about doing that for ourselves and then for our loved ones around us. So, how do you do it? And like I said, I want to look at this from two perspectives. I want to look at it first and give you some ideas and tips. From a sufferer's perspective, those that might be dealing with something, and those that love that person, and we call them supporters. So sufferers and supporters. So if we look at the sufferers and why it's so hard to bring others into what one is dealing with, again, we have to go back to just one being vulnerable and being open and even feeling everything that they're pushing down as deep, deep, deep, deep into their, into their soul, into their body that they can. But we all know that sooner or later that stuff's coming up, and if it never does come up, then we also know that at the end of our lives, we won't have lived the life that we are supposed to live and that we deserve to live if we don't confront and don't decide to shed all of that junk and all of those fears. So, as many of you know, my backstory in regards to confronting the bitch that I was. Um, it wasn't easy for me to all of a sudden, uh, have that— have that realization put in front of me. You know, when I discovered how nasty, how abrasive, how curt, how demeaning, belittling, and just outright a bitch that I was— oh boy. You know, if you've heard this before, I'll keep it short. If you're hearing it for the first time, I'll just say that it was on a jog in a park with my dog Charlie, who just passed last year. And I had been doing a lot of purging and a lot of soul-searching for about, I don't know, 6 or 7 months when I had lost my corporate job and basically my career. And I was trying to figure out why. I was trying to figure out kind of why was I— why did I lose my career? Why was I happy about it, but why was I really pissed and angry at the same time about it? And all of a sudden, on this jog, as I'm visualizing and, and kind of working through things, I just saw myself so clearly. I just saw the ugliness within my heart.

And at the same time I was feeling the ugliness of my heart, I also saw and remembered the joy in my heart when I was 12, 15, 18 years old.

And it literally crashed me and took me physically to the ground in the park, bawling my eyes out, with my, with my dog just looking over at me, licking me, going, 'Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you,' and I'm sitting there bawling my eyes out.

You know, it's paralyzing. It can be absolutely paralyzing when all of a sudden life throws something at you.

And granted, you know, that's not abuse, it's not cancer, it's not addiction, it's not adultery, it's, it's not even facing death.

But it's like Sharon and her story—

you can go back and listen to it from last week—

but you know, it paralyzed me.

It left me feeling ashamed. It left me feeling embarrassed.

It left me feeling humiliated.

And I was broken. My spirit was absolutely broken facing the fact of how many people I must have hurt— or not must have, I did hurt. And I needed to figure out how I was going to kind of rectify all this. How was I going to confront it? How was I going to deal with it?

How was I going to, to put things in place in order to move on from it? Now, I, you know, as many of you know who listen to the program, I'm a writer. I love to journal.

I've been journaling, diaring if you want to call it, since I was about 8 or 9. And that was the safest and the best way for me to just fiercely, fiercely purge what was going on within me, in order for me to then to look at it and rectify it and put a plan in place and to address it. And it's not a bad idea for any sufferer out there. If you're not prepared to confront or disclose to other people what you're going through, such as even Beyoncé's father, or Michael Douglas with his son, or his son with Michael Douglas, or Sharon with her sense of mortality in those moments, then write it. That's— it's safe, it's secure, it's liberating. It's only for you and for your eyes. You know, no one's there, no one's going to see it, no one's going to judge it, no one's going to ridicule it, no one's even going to edit it. It's going to be in your words, your feelings, your emotions, your your everything. And it doesn't matter what it looks like, what form it takes. I am fiercely, fiercely a journaling, writing advocate. I am passionate about it because I just know for myself, but also see and witness in others, what it can do to help them kind of deal with difficult conversations, deal with difficult situations.

And I'll get with how the writing can help with the difficult conversations in a minute.

Because I recall when I was in my early 30s, my parents were planning a trip overseas.

They were planning a trip to Paris. All of a sudden I get this phone call. I can picture myself in the bed when the phone rings, and then, you know, the whole conversation with my parents.

And they wanted to talk to me about the fact that they were going to Paris and they were working on their will. And I'm like, what? What?

You know, you know, I wasn't even 20, but even at 30, I was like, what?

What are you talking about? I don't want to hear this. You're not going to die. You're going to live forever.

And they're like, Bernadette, Bernadette, calm down, calm down, this is important to us.

You know, this is something that we need to do. And they just wanted to ensure they had all their plans in place, and should anything happen. I mean, especially if you have 12 kids. And I asked them, because I— they calmed me down, and then I recognized in their voices that yes, this was something important to them. This wasn't about me, this was important to them. So we talked, we talked, they shared, and then I even asked them like, how did you come about wanting, you know, to kind of confront this, to face this? And they actually enjoyed sharing kind of their differing approaches and views on it and how they each individually went about this conversation that they knew that they needed to have. I mean, they were going off overseas, and this is going back you know, I'm 57, so it's going back 27 years, a very different time from, you know, airline safety perspective and whatnot.

So, and they were much older parents, so I, you know, you can appreciate it.

Anyway, long story short, they had everything by the time they passed, which was another 15 years for my father and 25 years for my mother. They had their whole life and their end-of-life plan, and they had it in such a way that it brought so much comfort to all of us, whether it was, you know, early before they passed, you know, the process of the will and what is it that you want. They had a whole, you know, approach for us to go through their belongings and select what we wanted. Anyway, so the point being is I learned also from that, it kind of validated for me how writing and purging and putting your own feelings and thoughts into something that then you can translate into something that you can use as a tool for approaching and asking for help and discussing it with loved ones, for those supporters, is a magical beautiful thing. So what I come to learn is that there are simple ways— as hard as those topics might be, there's simple ways. If you can kind of clear all the fog and clear all the emotions out, away from your head and out of your heart, um, the process of writing it down, literally purging, just throwing up all over with a pen into, you know, a blank piece of paper, what that initially, you know, can do for you. It's very cathartic.

It's very freeing, liberating.

It's very comforting to be able to do that. And then you go and you do a next version should you choose to, to where you're now kind of considering other people. How can you use this to ask for help? How can you use these words and these pages of scribbling to discuss with loved ones, discuss with your doctor, discuss with, you know, whomever, what it is that you're going through. And as you go through this process, as we mentioned early on, you also always want to be kind to yourself. Remember that mask, putting it on yourself before everybody else. Be kind to yourself, which for whatever situation you're dealing with, no matter how simple or how very tragic it is, and I don't mean to make this so simplistic, that I'm minimizing those tragic situations in life, the loss of a loved one, the end of a marriage, your own addiction, your own abuse. I don't want to minimize that by just making it sound as if I'm saying, oh, just write it out and all the world's going to be fine. It's, you know, I'm not saying that at all. I'm just asking you to consider that there could— could be this— a tool out there that will give you the place, and if not the person, it'll give you the initial place where you can go and just purge it, just release it, let it go. So you can then kind of massage it as you go through it, and you can kind of start looking at it in black and white less emotion, more logic, and then you can actually, almost like Play-Doh, form it in a way that you can use it as a tool to go and ask for help, use it as a tool to go and ask the questions you need to ask or get the information that you need and the support and the help that you need. There's one other thing I wanted to make sure I mentioned. In this writing—

and actually, I just went through this with, with a mentoree that I, that I work with—

in the writing, as you— after you've actually purged and it's all over the place and it's scribbles and it's no real, you know, order of thought or logic to what it is that you're releasing in your hand through a pen or a computer, You know, you can then get more structured in wanting to formulate all of that into kind of a structure that you can use for that asking and for that seeking. And there's a number of questions. I sent him 10 questions that I often talk about here, but also there's more so that I mold and I— I customized for when it comes to disclosing or discovering the fears and the, you know, the trauma that one might experience. And if you're interested in getting that list of questions that could help you do that purging and do that self-discovery, feel free to email me at BernadetteBoas@sheddingthebits.com. I'll also post it to a blog post before the end of the week. So, when— then, after you've done this writing and when you want to and you're ready to and you need to, and let me emphasize need to, ask for that help. If you're broken in a way that you don't want to ask for help, there's many ways you can ask for help without saying, "Could you help me?" because many people are afraid that people are going to turn away from them, people are going to get uncomfortable and reject, you know, helping them. If, you know, if those things are keeping you stuck and keeping you fearful, then declare it more in a simple statement. Go, you know, go to a friend, go to a professional, go to a teacher, go to a colleague, and say, I'm hurting.

I'm hurting in such a way where, you know, there's nothing more than that person could do than to want to sit, listen, ask questions and listen.

You might even just put it more pragmatically and say, I could use your advice, I could use your help. That's more so how Sharon approached the conversation with me when I thought we were having a simple catch-up on lunch and she had a little bit more that she wanted to discuss. You might admit and acknowledge that, you know, I don't know what to do.

Do you have any ideas?

So if you're afraid of specifically asking for help, then find a way that you can ask without kind of saying, can you help me, and be fearful of a no, rejection.

Ask it in a way of a statement that's also tell somebody else, hey, look, stop.

I need you to stop and listen for a moment. All right, now I can't go without saying that all of this is tied into the fears that you have within yourself.

And fears, in, you know, in many people's world, is considered false evidence appearing real. False evidence false evidence appearing real, meaning that our fears are really not real.

They're anxieties that we have about something of the unknown or something that, that we might have experienced in the past and the outcome wasn't exactly what we wanted, and we think it's going to happen to us again, and yet we, we have no proof of that. So it's false evidence appearing real. I can't go without saying also that to do this. It's kind of a— it's kind of, um, it's not a requirement. It's something that I implore you to do because you're worthy of getting the help that you need and the support that you need.

You are deserving of a great, full, happy, joyful life, and therefore go and seek that help.

Go and seek that support. In order to be healthy, strong, and happy, you need to find that, you need to have that tribe. You need to find that safety zone. You need to find that circle of loving, caring people that you can go and trust and divulge in. And every single one of us deserves to have that. Now I noticed that time has flown and I haven't even taken, taken a break and I'm not even going to. Because I do want to move on and talk about the supporters, those of us that need to be there for that, that person. And yet, I, you know, I can't tell you how many times, and you hear it too, when you, you know, when someone says, if only I knew, I wish I listened more, if only I recognized the signs. Now, I am not here to make anybody feel guilty, including myself, and I'm not here to make excuses for myself and for anybody else. Our lives are too busy, there's too many distractions, you know, you know, there's a number of them. I just want to find ways for all of us to recognize that there are people out there that certainly need our help, and there are people out there asking for it, even if it's not in specific words, and we just need to be a little bit more attuned to recognizing and hearing those asks. And so a few suggestions.

To ensure we cover everything is—

well, let me just, before I get into the suggestions, let me just share a story with you as to why this part of it is really kind of touchy and important to me, and I promise not to cry. But I found myself very much in, you know, in that vein of, if only I knew, I wish I noticed, I wish I listened more, I wish I recognized the signs. And it was while I was in college, I worked in retail, and I worked as a department manager in a store briefly, and there was a merchandiser, one of those people that, you know, put the fashion the mannequins and do all the displays and make the stores look beautiful. And he was just—

he was just such a sweet young man.

He must have been— if I was 21, 22, he must have been 20, 21, in that vein. He was so vibrant, vibrant. He was such a happy young man, and he was a real, real light in the world, real light in my world at least. But he was also hiding the fact that he was gay. Now again, we're talking— now we're talking 30-some-odd years ago, um, so, you know, being in the closet was a standard back then. Now, we all knew it. We all knew it. Yet, and this comes to me, not all those other people that knew it, um, we never— I never engaged him to find out if, you know, if whether or not for him to acknowledge, to confront the fact that he was, and then to ask how that impacts his world and impacts his life, and/or, you know, whether or not, you know, he's been able to share it at least with his family, if not anybody else. I didn't get involved. I didn't get involved. I even will say, when I looked back at it at the time, that I did see this vibrant, happy light of a young man kind of dimmed over the year, year and a half I was in, in that store, uh, over that period of time.

But—

and I'm not even going to explain the excuses, I'll just say—

but I—

and I didn't ask. And then instead of reaching out to him Sadly enough, he put himself in his car in the garage, turned the engine on, and well, you know the end of that story. And I was devastated. I was just absolutely devastated. Here was this young man with, gosh, his whole life in front of him, and it was such a beautiful life and a beautiful light that he had. And him incapable or fearful— fearful is more the attitude— to actually allow other people to be open, to be vulnerable, to feel the pain, to feel the hurt, the isolation, while at the same time expressing who he truly is and expressing love and expressing you know, his romantic likings, must have been just devastating for him to where it brought him to that point. And it was the first, sadly not the last, but it was the first also friend/fellow employee suicide or death that I had experienced.

So it had a profound effect on me, and I think about him often.

But there are things that we all can be doing in order to ensure that we don't find ourselves in the state of, "If only I knew. If only I noticed. If I only just listened some more and recognized the signs." So, let's talk about that and how we can better our ability to see pain, to see isolation, to see fear, to see depression, to feel, to see hurt, to see whether or not someone is at the point of taking their own lives, or at the point of popping a pill, or isolating themselves and drinking themselves to, you know, to harm and/or death. What are things that we could be doing? If, if any of us take away anything, this pertains to every aspect of every one of our lives if we want a full, rich, loving, exciting end of our life legacy life, and that is to be present and in the moment. So when you think about You know, when someone says, "If only I knew, if only I noticed, if I listened more or recognized the signs," that merely says that they weren't present and in the moment. They weren't seeing that person, especially when it comes to loved ones, especially when it comes to people that you spend a great deal of time with, whether that's friends or colleagues. And the amount of time we spend at work, You know, those people sometimes we know more, or I won't even say better, but we know more of than our family members. And so we should be able to recognize the signs, listen more, notice changes, and, you know, just, you know, find out and learn about that other individual if we are present and in the moment. If we ask questions, but questions that are more open, not flippantly like, "Oh, how you doing?" "I'm great." "How was your day?" "Great." "Did you have a good day at work or at school?" "Yes." But more so, "How are you feeling? What happened today at school or at work or at your pickleball match, you know, that, you know, what was your experience?" What did it leave you with? What feelings did it leave you with? At the same time, what we need to also really master is how to listen more and listen better. Many of us, I can be one of them at times, you know, we ask in order to just then contribute. We ask questions, we start a dialogue, but it's more so to to contribute to our thoughts, our opinions, our insights, as opposed to actually not only being present and in the moment, but actively listening and contributing to a conversation with another party or multiples. And if we just listened more, we might be able to no longer say, I wish I recognized the signs, I wish I had listened, noticed, those kind of things. And then notice, notice any changes in one's appearance, in one's engagement, in one's, you know, community involvement. Real quickly, you know, I had a recent experience where I recognized where an individual that was very active, very on the go each and every day, outgoing, and actually they were looking for, for work.

All of a sudden I never saw When I saw them, they looked very drained, and I all of a sudden noticed that they were very isolating—

isolated. And it wasn't my place because I really didn't know this person, but what I did do is I pointed it out to a friend that was a common visitor to this individual and mentioned it to them, and then asked if there's anything that I can do.

You know, please let me know.

So it's observation. Those open-ended questions get deeper and deeper, you know, kind of more involved you are, meaning the more you're listening and you might be noticing something or you're observing something and you see changes in appearance or engagement, you know, then there's more open-ended questions that need to be asked in order to find out more and more information. And of course, you know, you're doing this and you're confronting this with compassion and kindness. At the same time though, and I even have family members that would say this, at the same time it has to be with directness. It has to be with accountability. And now that varies to situation, and we certainly don't have time for all that.

But if you are involved with an addict, for instance, there's some accountability there. There's some directness that needs to happen with someone dealing with addiction.

If it's somebody who is reckless, just, you know, financially, or maybe they're in a bitter divorce or dealing with abuse, you know, there's a point of directness along with compassion that you also need to kind of have. I don't want to— I'll call it a heavy hand actually, because it's not all roses when you're dealing with some situations. And then as you're listening and asking these open questions, you can work with them to put a plan in place, or to even define a plan. Let me say that first, to define a plan, and then be there to help them take action.

Along with that accountability though, but to take action.

I'll go back to the very first thing. It's critical for each and every one of us if we want to have a rich, full life to be present and in the moment. That won't only help us—

remember the mask on us first and then everybody else around us—

but it, like I just said, it'll help everyone else around us, and it could be someone's suffering that needs you at your peak of vibrancy, of health, of engagement, of being present and in the moment. I appreciate you listening and being part of today's program, and I'll look forward to having you right back here next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Should you be dealing with something that you need a supporter on, please don't hesitate to reach out.

Bernadette Boas at sheddingthebitch.com.

I look forward to having you right back here next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Everyone have a rich, prosperous week. Talk to you soon.

Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.