The Burnout Trap No One Talks About

Your title is not your identity. And the moment you realize that is the moment that you'll save your career. Welcome to Shedding the Corporate Bitch, the podcast for leaders who are done burning out in silence. Today's episode is a wake-up call for all high achievers who's made their job their entire personality. Our guest, Alicia Meek, author, burnout coach, and corporate pro, is here to expose how perfectionism and people pleasing are quietly sabotaging your leadership and your life. She's bringing her Brain's Body Soul framework, a simple 5-5-5 daily reset that proves you already have what you need to escape the exhaustion trap. You'll walk away with 3 concrete actions: swap one draining thought, launch that passion project you've been hiding. And ask for support like the leader that you are. Ready to rebuild purpose-driven leadership without handing in your resignation? This episode is your permission slip. Don't miss Alicia's upcoming book, Break Up with Burnout. Join the launch team now at breakupwithburnout.aliciameek.com/launch for exclusive sneak peeks, webinars, and giveaways. Let's shed the burnout.

Let's reclaim the fire and let's get Welcome to Shedding the Corporate Bitch, the podcast that transforms today's managers into tomorrow's powerhouse leaders. Your host, Bernadette Boas, executive coach and author, brings you into a world where the corporate grind meets personal growth and success in each and every episode. Let's do this.

Welcome, welcome. How are you?

Hi, Bernadette.

I am wonderful.

Thank you so much for having me on today.

I am excited to have a conversation with you because this conversation can't be spoken about enough when it comes to burnout, people pleasing, the things that really create a great deal of fatigue for so many professionals. As we get started, help us to understand why is this subject so important to you?

Great question. There is a lightning bolt moment is what I call it. You would call it the uninterrupted moment. And little background, I've been in the corporate space for 17 years, and about 7 years ago I was in a high volume, high pressure position, which I love, but I did have very demanding needs and I had spent 3 years in burnout. I didn't realize I was in the burnout at the time. However, reflecting back, I knew it was 3 years. And there was a point in my career that I was up for a, what I felt was a well-deserved promotion. I had worked very hard, followed all the rules, and the promotion did not actualize. They chose an external candidate instead of myself, an internal candidate for the position. And it was the biggest aha moment of my life. I didn't have control over my future as much as I would love to. And I was all the things that most high-performing women professionals are, the people pleasing, the overachieving, the overcommitting, and the perfectionist, the always have to be on. And I realized that I had my entire identity connected to my career. Of course, we all have lives and dogs and kids and things of that nature, but the way I escaped burnout was finding something that was my own, which was at that time starting a small business. I didn't quit my career. I still loved what I did. I didn't want to leave the career I had built, but I redirected my focus into a small business, which I built in owned and operated alongside my full-time career. And that was my defining moment, Bernadette, my interrupted moment of being in burnout for 3 years consistently and not having the payoff. I was doing it to get to that next level in my career, which didn't actualize. And so I realized again at that moment that I needed a, what I call identity diversification, where I needed something that was just mine to focus on. And this magical thing happened when I started my, the path and starting my small business. I actually fell back in love with my career. The burnout escaped me. The feeling of burnout was gone. I had something that was my own and I actually fell back in love with my career.

So I'm gonna take you back to that moment where you lost that promotion. You all of a sudden had that lightning bolt moment of burnout. What were the emotions? What were the feelings? What were you processing through your body, mind, and soul? So other people can understand when they start feeling these things, it can start being indicators for them as far as them getting close to, or maybe they're beyond burnout.

As I mentioned, when I was in the burnout, I didn't realize it. I thought it was just what I call the tax of success. And now looking back, it was for one, being frustrated all the time. And I am a naturally happy, optimistic person. It's just who I've always been. And when I was at work, I was frustrated at everything. And I remember taking everything personal. Every single email, message, response from a colleague or a boss felt like a personal attack. I was attaching so much emotion to everything at my job. And you get an email from your colleague or your boss and you take it as if not the way they intended it, but your brain is just attaching so much personal emotion to it. And I experienced that again for years. It wasn't just having a bad day. It was being frustrated all the time. I also remember Bernadette being— dreading going into work. I would purposefully take long in the morning to get ready. And although I showed up early to work and I stayed late, I was dreading going to work every single day. And I just was generally not happy in the moment. I will admit a lot of those were boundaries I didn't set for myself. I was saying yes to everything. I didn't have the ability to be confident, confident enough to say, I don't have the bandwidth for that right now. I'm working on XYZ project. Let's think of a plan to delegate this to someone else. So I take accountability for putting a lot of that burnout on myself for not having the ability to say no to certain projects and perfectionism and people pleasers is I have those qualities inside me. But a lot of people I talk to that they have those same qualities that gets them to burnout because they, they say yes to everything. They don't set boundaries for themselves. And again, I mentioned this before, is my job was everything to me. And not that's always a bad thing, but it was probably why the pressure and dread and frustration was so heavy because I didn't have anywhere else to focus my mind. And another thing that I can tell, and I'm guessing there's a lot of listeners feeling this as well, is I never turned it off. So even after I left work at night, I would replay those same conversations over in my head. And all weekend I would think about, oh, I should have said this in that email, or it just was constantly in my mind. I couldn't turn work off. And so of course I was burned out. It was all I was focusing on and thinking about.

Oh my gosh. I'm getting triggered in so many ways.

Well, fortunately I put a lot of that behind me too. So thankfully.

There's beauty at the end of that nasty rainbow of sorts. Now you do talk about identity diversification.

Sure.

Why is making our job, because you said it, I will, why is making our job our entire identity, why is that dangerous to our performance?

That is such a great question, Bernadette, and it's because Almost tying in everything I just talked about is it's all our brain is focusing on. We don't ever take a break. Even when we take a break and take PTO or take vacations, over high achieving professionals, they focus on their job their entire time they're on vacation or on PTO. So it's dangerous because you never turn it off. You have nothing else to focus on. And why I feel that when I started that, the passion project, which was my side business, it gave me relief because I had something else that took up focus in my mind. It wasn't my eyes open in the morning and I was immediately thinking about my job. And then when I left work in the evening, I was thinking about my job all night long. So to me, it is dangerous in the fact that you don't have anything else that you think about. And then that's why you're— we, not you, but we are attaching so much emotion and personal attachment to every little thing that happens at work because we don't have anything else to focus on. It's our entire identity.

You're not saying though that we necessarily have to find another work activity or another thing to keep us busy. We need to find, even if it's our family, our friends, our social life, our hobbies, our passions, we just need to find something else that we put as much weight on. So we have multiple things we could be thinking about. We don't just put everything into everything that we might be dealing with in the workplace.

Is that— Agreed. Agreed. Yes. A redirection into something that brings you joy. And that for many people would be their children, their dogs, a hobby, a passion project, a creative outlet, a side hustle, whatever it may be. Just giving your energy and focus to something else when you're off the clock. I'm not saying to stop doing a bad job at work. Most high achieving professionals are going to do a great job no matter what and continue to do that when you're at work. But once you're off of work, that should be your time. That should be your time to bring and inject joy into your life via whatever is personal to you. And I will tell you, Bernadette, there are a lot of professionals out there that don't even know what that looks like. I've spoken to a lot of them and they don't know. They've had so much time just focusing on their job. It is, instead of saying their job title as a part of them, that's just who they are, their job title. But I have worked with a lot of people in regards to helping them find what that is, whether it is painting or photography or volunteering. Yeah. And there have been some interesting ones. I, dug really deep. I remember with the one— this wonderful woman I spoke to, and she— same thing. She had been tying her entire life and attachment to her job. And when she was younger, she used to do deep cavern scuba diving. And she said it felt like the most joy when she was in that moment. And I said, bring that back to your life. That's exactly what I'm talking about. So I love that you said pickleball because you're right. There's so many different things out there.

I have to admit, I didn't think of it as identity diversification, but when I was going through that, leaving corporate, threw myself into starting my business, was dreaming and stressing and nightmaring my business for 24/7. And then I introduced wanting to write a book. So then that kind of did disperse my thoughts and my dreams, and that helped with both of those things and then it evolved. Actually, it did evolve into pickleball, but that's another day. Story for another day. Let me ask you a question though, because I think it goes beyond people pleasing and it goes beyond perfectionism. When you also talk about people who can't shut down, even when they go on PTO, on vacation or whatnot, is it also because of their need to control and their need to always have their hands in the pot and to feel valuable and not feel threatened that if, you know, that people could actually survive without them. So is there also, that's causing them a lot of pressure to just keep working to the point of burnout?

Absolutely. Bernadette Boas, almost all the professionals that I speak with about this topic, they need control and I'll raise my hand. I am a control freak. One of the hardest things for me is delegating. I would rather just do it myself and I'll, but honestly, good, being a good leader in, in, in your life altogether, not just in work, is being able to delegate, to let go, to excel at something. And then allow someone else to do it as well. But absolutely, there it is, 100%. You nailed it on the head. Control is such a big factor, and especially when you've been doing it for so long, you have that feeling of, to your very point, of I can't stop. I have to keep going. I have to do it myself. I don't want to lose that perception. If I say no to this project, then I may not be looked at as a team player anymore, or I may look like that I'm not performing at the top, but it's honestly just the opposite. Being able to confidently have those boundaries and say, as I mentioned before, I don't have the bandwidth for this project, but let's see if, you know, this person can do it, does make you more of a leader of being able to have that ability to relinquish tasks and delegate.

Let's get tactical, shall we? Okay.

Okay. Yes.

I loved when I read that you have a framework, uh, called Brain Body Soul. It's a 5-5-5 reset. So what does that look like and how can we as listeners and viewers, how can we leverage that? Say on a Tuesday morning when everything is going awry already and it's only Tuesday and our calendars are packed and we're running behind. What, how can we use a tool like this? If you could explain it and then how we can use it.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I love that we have as humans everything we need to create success or change our mindset. And I think it's interesting that everything happens in our minds first. So our feelings, our emotions, everything is going on in our minds. So what helped me, the framework I built, as you mentioned, brains, body, soul, the way it actualizes in practice is first focus on your brain. So realize that you have the ability to choose one thought over another. So if you have a thought coming in that is, as I mentioned before, this email has frustrated me. I have a full calendar. I don't have time to deal with this right now. The 555 Reset, you spend 5 minutes on your brain, 5 minutes on your body, and 5 minutes on your soul. And that's just the kicker offer, but you spend 5 minutes in your brain taking the thought out that you don't want and putting in thoughts that you do. So instead of in your brain saying, I'm too busy, I don't have time for this, is frustrating, redirect those thoughts to a positive outlet. So I manage my own calendar. I have the time, the ability to set boundaries for, for the appointments that I have. I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I control my mind, therefore my emotions. So you just tell yourself in your mind, taking, and people that are control freaks like myself love it, controlling your own mind to the thoughts that you want. So you spend 5 minutes on your mind redirecting those thoughts before you start to spiral. And then your body, you're, we're actualizing in the 3D world, you put it into motion. So whether it's sitting down with a good book for 5 minutes, getting up, doing some stretches. I do squats every single day because I sit at a computer all day. So my 5 minutes is doing squats at my desk. Get— take your dog for a quick walk, just spending 5 minutes focusing on your body and then your soul. What makes you feel good on the inside? And that could be starting the finding out what those hobbies are that you're going to redirect your focus in, looking at cute dog videos or whatever, and that's Speaking to me, but whatever you're making it, and you too, Bernadette, I know, but whatever makes your soul feel good, you want your brain, your body, and your soul to be in alignment. Brain, body, and soul is you have control of all three of those. And that is what will take you from that burnout feeling into a productive, successful, relaxed. Aligned feeling.

Yeah. Just you explaining it got me all, oh, good. And not only that, but I think you touched on something that is a valuable tool even over and above your 555, and that is for those of us who are control freaks, the fact that we can put that strength to work for us as opposed to against us by controlling our mind, body, and soul.

That's awesome. Yeah, I know. Use control. Use that.

Yeah. It's such a great point. We can use it to our advantage in certain things and controlling our thoughts. Trust me, that is a challenge in itself, but it is very doable and very valuable. What do you say?

Bernadette, that couldn't be more the truth. I want to scream that from the rooftops. And let me tell you, I spent the last 7 years learning how to control my mind and my thoughts, therefore my emotions and my reality. And I still have days where it is so extremely hard to overcome those negative thoughts. But it does work. It does work. There are times where I have a thought come in my head and I immediately can control it and tell my own brain I don't want to think that. And I'm going to think this. And it's so weird. And I talked to just— it's so funny. I talk with a lot of professionals about we operate on autopilot. A lot of things we do are just routine. And I tell people, you own your brain, but you have to be able to control it. And people always say, of course I control my brain, but you've— for most days, you don't control your brain. You have to practice controlling, but once you do and you have that ability, it is life-changing. It really is.

It really is. And yet 15 years ago, you know, had we had this conversation, I would have been like, what is this woman talking about? I had no clue. The point of that comment is we can always learn how to change our minds. Influence what we're thinking and alter and shift our brain, body, and soul. I absolutely love that. Now, there was one thing I read about your work that I definitely wanted to ask about, and that is you recommend that someone, especially if they are going through burnout and stress, that they ask for support strategically though. They go and identify one person. It could be a friend, it could be a mentor, it could be a manager, and they really just make one request to them as far as how they can support that, that person. Why do you see that to be so valuable?

One thing I've learned is that breakthroughs rarely happen alone. They really do. And honestly, going back to what we were just talking about, being able to control our own minds is incredibly hard on its own. You— I definitely suggest and recommend to seek what most people call an accountability partner, someone that you can trust to keep you accountable for taking the actions that you want to deliver on the reality that you want. And I do— there should be one person in your life, and I want it to be someone that is probably a professional and not someone that you have to pay for. It could be a counselor, a manager you work with. With a mentor, a coach, just someone that will keep you accountable no matter what. And yes, just like setting a goal, you wanted to have something very specific in mind with an end result. So if I came to my mentor and I said, for the next 7 days, keep me accountable every day at 12 noon to do 10 squats, get me out of my chair, get me out of my mind. And so that mentor every day would call me video call me at noon and say, get up and do those squats. Now, most of the time, your friends and family, they love you so much. And if you said, I don't want to do it today, they probably say, okay, I'll come back tomorrow. I love them for that. I love them for that. But not saying they can't be your accountability partner, but for the most part, that's why I recommend a professional or someone that will keep you accountable no matter what. Yes. And that always finding help and being accountable to another human will make you want to do and keep through on what you just, uh, or setting up your goal to do.

Other things that they could be asking, making a request for support on is help me set boundaries. Help me to say no.

Help me not to people please.

Help me to recognize that I could be imperfectly perfect as opposed to thinking I need to be perfect. Those are some things as well that they could use, correct?

Absolutely. Absolutely. That it's, it's gonna be unique to the individual that what they're experiencing. But those are all the things I touched on one minor thing, but absolutely. When you reach out for help, you want them to make a tangible difference. And obviously when you decide that, okay, I need to make a change is hard, especially we talked about in a routine and getting out of that or breaking habits of our fundamental of who we are, our characteristics and our traits. So if I said, help me set boundaries, that is a huge ask and most people aren't gonna do it on their own. So to have someone else invested in that goal, it makes tangible change when you invest someone else. In those deliverables.

Yeah, I love you. I'm going to make sure that we throw your quote out there. Breakthroughs rarely happen alone.

This is true.

And so I know a lot of our audience, they are very prideful. They, they don't like to ask for help and support. However, they're also powerhouse leaders. So they just need to recognize that they deserve to ask for help. And that breakthroughs do not happen alone.

I love that.

Love that.

All right. So obviously you are living proof that you can find purpose-driven work beyond what it is that you're doing, or you can transform the work that has been burning you out into purpose-driven work again. And what would you recommend? One micro step, one small step. I believe in small steps lead to big results. What could—

Absolutely. Absolutely.

What could our readers and viewers do, you know, today, if they are to that point of Bernadette, what could they do to really turn their work into more purpose-driven, happy work that they enjoy?

The first thing I would encourage you to do is to identify what brings joy into your life. We had talked about redirecting your focus into a hobby, a passion project, a creative outlet, whether that's family or painting. There's so many different ways you can go through it. And I know that the, your listeners, Bernadette, are probably thinking, I'm already so jam-packed in my life. How am I going to add one more thing? But again, that's where the boundaries coming in, being able to say no to one thing allows you to say yes to yourself. So the one micro act today, and it could take 10 to 15 minutes, but get a notepad out, or you could do it online and write down what brings you joy. What act can you do? And to your point, micro steps, you could be doing it for 15 minutes. You could tomorrow Google, where can I go play pickleball? To your example. So pick a joy. And even if you don't know what that is, you could write 3 or 4 down and try them out. But it is the first step in finding something else to focus your mind on. And it makes a huge shift, even if it's only 10 minutes, but you could find that one joy and then you little by little start introducing it into your life and little by little that allows you to escape burnout. I promise. I promise it works.

Woo!

Woo! We're all gonna find joy in our work.

Wow.

This has been great. Alicia, thank you so much for taking part. I wanna mention to everyone, please check her out and all the work that she does at aliciameeke.com. That's aliciameeke.com. You can also follow her on Instagram. She makes it really easy. It's Alicia Meeke. As well as on LinkedIn. And lastly, join her launch team for her upcoming book to receive weekly emails with sneak peeks, webinar and podcast announcements, giveaways, and preorder information, and so much more. You can join at breakupwithburnout.aleishameek.com/launch. That's breakupwithburnout.aleishameek.com/launch. Join. Why not learn how to overcome burnout before it overcomes you? Alicia, thank you again. This has been fantastic.

Thank you, Bernadette. I've had the most fun chatting with you today.

I don't know about you, but I related to so many of those things that Alicia talked about. Alicia Meek of Alicia Meek Coaching. And I hope you enjoyed the conversation. I am certainly walking away with The one statement she made toward the end, all around breakthroughs rarely happen alone. Because I'll often get into a headspace of, I have to handle this myself. None of us can and should work toward our goals and our dreams all alone. We definitely need to rely and lean and fall back on other people around us. And her 5-5-5 the Brains, Body, and Soul framework. What a simple but powerful way to shift our mindset, to shift how we're physically feeling, let alone emotionally and mentally and spiritually feeling. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation. I hope you did as well. And if you did, be sure to share it with your colleagues, with your friends and family members who you want to protect from reaching that point of burnout, stress, anxiety, fatigue, exhaustion. To leverage the tips and the strategies that Alicia provided. At the same time, be sure you're following the show for all of our great topics and our great guests each and every week. You can go to ballofirecoaching.com/podcast to join on any one of your podcast streaming services or on our Shed the Corporate Bitch TV YouTube channel. I'll look forward to seeing you for another episode of Shedding the Corporate Bitch.

Bye.

Thank you for tuning into today's episode of Shedding the Corporate Bitch. Every journey taken together is another step towards unleashing the powerhouse leader within you. Don't miss any of our weekly episodes. Subscribe to our podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you love to listen. And for those who thrive on visual content, catch us on our Shedding the Bitch YouTube channel. Wanna dive deeper with Bernadette on becoming a powerhouse leader? Visit balloffirecoaching.com to learn more about how she helps professionals, HR executives, and team leaders elevate overall team performance. You've been listening to Shedding the Corporate Bitch with Bernadette Boas. Until next time, keep shedding, keep growing, and keep leading.