Tips for Shedding Your Bitch with Fifty Shades of Grey

Happy Tuesday everyone! This is Bernadette Boas and this is Shedding the Bitch Radio. And I'm so excited that you're joining, whether you're on the live and you'll be chatting with, with us over the next 30 minutes or so, or if you will be listening to us on archive or downloading the video which will be out there on sheddingthebitch.com and/or, or on our YouTube channel. Shedding the Bitch on YouTube. So I am excited to be here today. It is a beautiful day in Atlanta, a little bit of overcast, but that's okay because it's cooled things down. And I'm just kind of, um, in a good place today, and I'm so excited. And I think we're gonna have a lot of fun, at least I will, around today's subject. And there's a particular reason why I wanted to talk about today's subject, and that is around Fifty Shades of Grey and that infamous, infamous trilogy that has kind of hit the airwaves over the last several months. I'll be honest with you, I went on a family vacation, I guess the week of Mother's Day, and had only just kind of caught the buzz around Fifty Shades of Grey probably about 2 or 3 weeks prior to that, and I guess it's been bubbling and it was in the media for a good number of weeks before I even caught wind of it and wasn't quite sure what all the hoopla was about and wasn't quite sure if I was gonna kind of pull myself into it. But of course, when it came time to thinking about what did I want to do over my vacation, and it's one of those vacations I've talked about it a bunch of times here on, on the radio, but it's one of those vacations where my 5 sisters, my mother, and I go to the beach and really do nothing except hang out with each other. A couple of us will escape and read books. My sister and I, Peg, will oftentimes work, but it's kind of on our schedule, so to speak. And this time I decided instead of my journal, which I brought with me and I would scribble on occasion throughout the week, I would bring a book, and it just so happened that I took advantage of the fact that there was this big deal being made around Fifty Shades of Grey, and I figured if I got into it, I got into it. If I didn't, I didn't. And there's really no pressure around it. I'm not a big reader, I'll be honest with you. Being a writer and having my own book, I prefer to actually journal. I prefer to write than necessarily read. So I figured it would take some kind of focus and time to really, you know, get into the book and into what the big deal was. And that's what I really wanted to understand. I don't know about you, I really wanted to understand what the, what the big hoopla was, including and especially because those of you who know me, I love to get into things that have some conflict and confrontation about it. And I wanted to make sure I could discern whether or not it was media creating this or it was the actual public of readers creating such a stir over this whole concept of Fifty Shades of Grey, but more so of the fact that it was supposedly this erotica book. And then it was— all I heard before going into reading it was it was, you know, really demeaning women and it was really not painting a glorious picture for women. And that was what really kind of triggered me to want to get into it and really understand what it was all about. Because as you know, Shedding the Bitch is all around, not just for women but for men, but predominantly women, around kind of shedding all of those insecurities and doubts and conflicts that we have within our heart and our head in order to really be empowered, in order to really be able to stand up not just for ourselves, but just stand firm and stand in completeness and authentic— authenticity within ourselves. And therefore, anything that was going to kind of minimize women's power and their position, whether in a small, small environment or big, really is a very sensitive subject for me these years. I won't even say these days, but these years. So I really needed to understand whether or not it was a true fact that this book was, was kind of taking us backwards in our journey as opposed to forward, and really women kind of taking ownership and, and, and control of their lives, whether them for themselves or for all those others around them. So anyway, So I got into the book, and I got into the book like I haven't for a long time with a book. Probably— I told someone— probably not since— this is gonna age me— but probably not since Thorn Birds. And maybe because that was when I was in high school, and it, you know, it was not even erotica, but it was just kind of a touching on that fantasy world. And I personally, without judgment of of her writing skills and, you know, whether or not she's a literary, you know, scholar. I got into just the story, quite honestly. I just got into just being able to escape, you know, on the beach, you know, kind of downtime, into this, this kind of story and this fantasy about this, this man. I love the fact— I did kind of laugh at the fact that they were making him seem as if he's so old, and yet— so he was like, what, 26, 27? And she was probably 22, 23. I mean, when I was 21, 22, I was dating 40-plus-year-olds. Now, that'll set— that'll set the groundwork for how I interpreted this book versus how many other people interpreted this book. And more importantly, the subject matter. More importantly, the message. More importantly, I really want to understand from you— and I see callers already kind of either lining up just to listen, or maybe they'll kind of, uh, you know, want to chat about it. But I really wanted to understand how other women, you know, walked away and interpreted this book. I'll give you kind of my 5 cents and then would love to hear from you. But I really found it— I was— I'm not surprised now that I've read it that it caught such a wave of media attention, of, you know, the viral world. And I'm actually kind of glad that it did. And so let me explain both those sides. One is I'm not surprised because, as many of you know, especially if you listen to my programs and you're part of kind of the overall Shedding the Bitch brand, You know, we're working to stir up, you know, women's positions in their lives, women's positions in their own heart and head, and we're wanting them to kind of step out and really, whether they do it very vocally or, you know, very authoritatively, you know, we're looking and we're hoping that women will kind of, you know, speak out and express how they feel and what they want and what they don't want and what makes them happy and what doesn't make them happy inside or outside the so-called bedroom. So this isn't a subject really about sex and the erotica piece of it, though I will touch on a couple aspects there and want your opinion. But it's more so, why is this, you know, little book and now a trilogy— which I didn't even know it was a trilogy until after I read the first book, but why is it catching such a storm? And I would have to say, for me, I was thrilled that it did because it is revealing the fact that women do have dreams, do have goals, do have fantasies, and they go to extreme. You know, they might be mild, but they might be on this level— call it act, you know, call it, you know, at a— some, some of the reviews that she's gotten is, oh well, it's like a 16-year-old wrote it. Or it's, you know, others were saying, well, it's a grown woman's fantasies of something that she may have never been able to express or experience. However you look at it, whether it is a grown woman kind of finally being able to express her fantasies and they sound like 16-year-olds because, you know Come on, a lot of us are, you know, 16 at heart, you know, in our head and in our heart, and we want to feel like a child again, and we want to have these experiences that take us out of our comfort zone. So I personally found the book to kind of say, oh, alright, wait a minute, I'm not just wanting to, you know, read— I guess there's a lot of comparisons to Twilight I, I just don't want to read from a 16-year-old's point of view. I want to kind of express my point of view in whatever state of mind that is. And in E.L. James's case, she has been very vocal about the fact that she just basically started scribbling many years ago about her fantasies and just pretty much wanted just to express them. And To some, it came out as a 16-year-old, and to some others it didn't. I, you know, I'm not here to judge anybody's writing. Trust me, when it comes to, you know, putting feelings and emotions to pen and paper, it is a scary proposition that other people are going to read it, and of course then therefore be open to all this judgment. And I've gotten it, and E.L. James has gotten it, and every other author out there has gotten it. But I personally kind of looked— wanted to look at it from what is this doing to kind of women power today? What is it doing to allowing women's emotions and fantasies and their wants and their needs to be expressed? And it's making a lot of people very uncomfortable, and it's making a lot of good debate, a lot of good dialogue not only amongst women but also amongst men and women, amongst academia, amongst professionals who God knows that probably don't, don't want to touch this in any way, shape, or form. But it's really making us tap into how we are interpreting the same type of fantasies and dreams and goals for ourselves. And so if any of you want to kind of chime in. Those of you in the chat room, feel free to shout out a note. And I do have a caller, and no pressure. I'm gonna just make sure there isn't a comment or anything that you want to say, but if you don't, you could just remain silent. That's fine too. Hi, this is Bernadette Boas. You're on Shutting the Bitch Radio. Anything to share or comment, or are you just listening in? Okay, great. So continue listening in, gang. And what I, what I really just want to kind of have happen with today's call in this program and this topic is to just maybe start the dialogue amongst our community. We have a Richie community, as we call them, and they are hesitant. They are just beginning to kind of reach under the covers, no pun intended, and really try to understand what it is that they want, what it is that they feel, what it is that they're missing, or they feel very, you know, kind of adequate or fulfilled. What is it that they have been struggling with to kind of get to complete happiness and contentment, and however they call you know, happiness and joy and success in their lives. And therefore, I personally found that this, this not necessarily even story, but just this idea that this woman put to pen her innermost fantasies caught such fire because so many of us wish we could. So many of us wish that whether verbally or in writing, could express what it is that they utmost want and feel and desire in life. And I'm not just talking about in the bedroom. I'm just— I'm even talking about— I have many women during my programs of any size, of any venue, whether it's on a webinar or it's in a workshop or it's in a, you know, keynote public speaking event, I have women that will come up to me because I'm always talking about trying to really tap into your goals and your dreams and define them for yourselves and make sure that they're not only about your work or your family or your children or your community, but they're really about you. And when I say that, I will get individuals, especially women, that will come up to me and say, Bernadette, I'm not sure what you mean. And so I'm now used to that question, so I'll just, you know, kind of quiet and I'll let them continue talking, or I have to maybe prod them a little bit and say, "What do you exactly do you mean? What don't you understand?" And they will actually admit and continue on by saying that they're not sure what I mean by setting their own goals for themselves, having their own dreams, having their own desires. Making sure that they are expressing them and aware of them, and therefore they're able to act and pursue on them. And for those of you that are in that position, I was for many, many years here. I thought I, you know, had this identity, identity as this, you know, corporate executive who just wanted to climb the ladder as far as I could and be the next, you know, guru of business. I actually have learned that that's not me at all. I actually had to have my heart and my butt kicked to take time to reflect on, okay, I don't want any of that. My meaning of success and accomplishment and contribution has nothing to do with the things I defined previously, which was money, power, position. So forth and so on. Very much like Christian in Fifty Shades. And, you know, and I'm expecting as I read more and more into this trilogy, and I plan to, they're gonna break his kind of inner bitches down, and he's gonna see that his definition of success isn't necessarily the same. So anyway, so we all go, you know, we all need to go through that process. Now, going back to how it that relates to Christian and, um, oh geez, I just had a brain fart on her name. You know, what it means going back to them is I found personally that she— or I'm sorry, that Christian and Anastasia— I didn't find that she was being abused. I didn't find that she was being forced into this contract or forced into the situations that he wanted, into his dreams. Yes, did he attempt to, you know, impose them on her? Absolutely. But this wasn't— but she didn't go there. This wasn't about her and him kind of bootstrapping her into this so-called contract of total submission. It was— I find it found it was her choice whether or not she did or not. And if you did read it and get through, and if you did complete the first book, you'll find that she never signed that. She kept saying that she would, and he kept— because of the fact that she was accepting and she was willing, he never really got her to have to do that. And then she really kind of took control of how that so-called contract was defined, and then she made the choices of whether or not she kind of succumbed and agreed to the different things that he wanted her to follow, whether it was sexually or even just the way she dressed and you know, the time and the place that they met together, so forth and so on. So I didn't take away— I don't know about you, but I didn't take away that, that feeling that many people have that she was totally forced into any of this, that this was abuse, is actually what a lot of the book club members that I've been following and, and kind of checking out online as to how these women are interpreting this story, this fantasy, this kind of escape. We have to keep that in mind, that this is just a story. It's not, you know, she didn't come out and say that this was her life. She didn't come out and say that this was anything more than just a dump of her fantasies. And so I'd love to, if you're out there and I see that you're out there on chat and on the phone lines, If you have an agreement or disagreement with that, I would love to hear it. That was my interpretation. Now let me back up and remind you that I also said that I had had, you know, this was a relationship between a 20— let's say she's 21 at most because she just graduated from college, and he was 26, 27. My relationships at that age were, you know, 40-plus. The men that I, that I was involved with, good or bad, 40+. Now, did I have that controlling of relationships with those men to the point of contracts and to the point of kinkiness? Well, I won't go there, but I will say that I definitely was always drawn to very, very, very strong men. And I was definitely— and I know a lot of women that are, and I've had a lot of women come up to me as I've been kind of talking about this over the last probably 5 or 6 weeks, express the same thing. That yes, there's this sense of attraction of this man, per se, you know, for a woman, that is very enticing, that they take complete control. I know for me, I would kind of vent on occasion throughout my corporate years that when I came home I would want him to take control. I would want him to make the decisions. I would want him to kind of lead me because I was tired of making decisions. I was tired of being the leader. I was tired of the one who, you know, everyone always came to. So when I got home, you know, when I was involved with someone, I would want him to take control and take the lead. And that is how I interpreted this story, was that's what she was attracted to as well. She never experienced it before, and therefore she was attracted to it. And I did not find it to be demeaning to women. It's just what happens. It's just what is reality. And I will also challenge the fact that many— there has to be about, I guess, about, oh gosh, 5,000, 5,500 reviews of this book just on— I think I pulled up Amazon, and, and it was just of the first book. I'm not sure of the trilogy items, but of the Fifty Shades of Grey, half— 50% of them basically were 5s and 50% of them were 1s. So 5s are really good reviews and 1s are really bad. And I read through a lot of them and because I really am trying to understand, you know, the mindset of women. And it's just really kind of intrigued me as a result of this whole, you know, media explosion around this subject matter and around this book. But more so, I think it's really around the fact that something that is so revealing about a woman, especially her fantasies, has tapped into so many readers which are predominantly women. And I just am thrilled about that. I'm thrilled that women are kind of wanting to express themselves. Agree with it or not, like the story or not, find it, you know, really kinky, find it stupid, find it— oh, there was a couple of people in the S&M world, or dominatrix world, and they actually came on and reviewed it. And kind of, you know, I don't think E.L. James has ever claimed to be, you know, a submissive herself. It's just her fantasies of being a submissive. And yet they're coming on and having these great dialogues and debates about the accuracy of her story because of the fact— now, should she have done some research? You know, and I can't tell you that it's right or wrong myself, and I'm not sure 99.9% of the women reading it would be able to tell E.L. James that she's accurate or not, because, you know, how, you know, very few of us are in that world. So I find that kind of interesting too. But I'm just, I am thrilled that the dialogue is out there, and I am thrilled that women who probably have, have always, or have been part of book clubs, not always, but have been part of book clubs, you know, there's more and more of them now cropping up to have this dialogue around this subject matter, around the whole trilogy. So not only will these book clubs and these dialogues happen because of this one book, but now there's two additional books that, that people will continue— women will continue to have, you know, these gatherings and these debates and these dialogues around the subject matter. And again, I really would love to get involved with them and kind of push them toward what is it about this type of book, about this story, about this woman that is being portrayed that is stirring up such a contra— contrast of opinion. Like I said, if you go on to Amazon, probably Barnes Noble too, and look at the reviews, you're gonna see that 50% of them, at least on Amazon, close to 50% of them are 5s and 50% of them are 1s. And I'm reading through the 1s And this brings me to my next thing that I really need help on. So for those of you listening, I really need help with this. I did not read the Twilight series, and I did not see the Twilight movies, so I really have very little clue as to what that story is. However, most of the reviews, the dominant number of reviews on this story is compared to— they're comparing it to Twilight. And so this one particular review, and if you go online and look for it, it's not very far down, so you'll be able to find it very easily. They literally pull apart Christian and pull apart Anastasia and then pull apart— I don't even know the names for the Twilight series— Bella and somebody else, and I know the characters that play them, or the actors that play them, but— and they compare the two, and they compare their stories, and they compare the fact that, you know, he's the strong one as well, and she's a damsel in distress that falls for, you know, falls into his spell, so to speak. Well, I don't know about you ladies, but if I were to write a story myself If I was to kind of dump on a piece of paper what my fantasies were, or what my kind of ultimate man-woman struggle, conflict, and relationship was, it would probably also mirror those characters. It truly would. One, I am assuming, is written for the younger audience though, and one is more written for an older audience that, you know, is more into revealing what goes on behind closed doors, so to speak. But I think that struggle is universal. I could be wrong. The women I've already been talking to over the last 5 or 6 weeks is confirming it, but I certainly, you know, haven't spent years, you you know, studying it and talking to all of you about it. But I, you know, I'm finding that it's universal, that, you know, it's like the bad boy syndrome. Who— what woman, what young girl didn't either fantasize or go out with a bad boy? I did when I was 14, and I didn't stop until probably in my late 20s and smarted up. But I did. And so I think that as far as that's concerned, I'm not sure that E.L. James or anybody else is copying each other. I just think that they're universal situations, characters, and conflicts that go on when, when you are talking about relationships and intimate relationships. So, but I do what I would do, continue to want to understand what is really kind of getting under people's skin with this whole, with this whole story. Now I did start reading, and I have it with me, I did start reading Fifty Shades Darker, which I, I'm guessing, I'm hoping it's, it's book 2, not 3. And the reason why I say that is because the reason why I got into this book going on my vacation was I was running through the airport the day of my vacation and I grabbed the book off, you know, I grabbed Fifty Shades of Grey and Or so I thought. I got down to the beach with my sisters and we were all, you know, discussing it, and my one sister was reading it too on her iPad. And I said, oh, I'm so excited to start reading it. I went, you know, went onto the porch and grabbed it and started reading it, and I'm like, I'm confused. You know, a couple pages in, I'm like, I'm confused. Where are these people coming from and who are they? And I looked at it and I saw that it was Fifty Shades Darker. I had actually picked up Book number 2, not book number 1. So I'm going to continue to really dig into this idea of what is being drummed up amongst women and the media as to the pros and cons of this book, as to the conflict that people have regarding this story, or maybe the type of story. What is it stirring up inside of you as women, and as me as a woman? Because I can definitely relate to the struggle and the conflict and the want to have that type of, you know, man in my life that kind of takes that lead to extremes, maybe, you know, in this book. But at the same time, I think it's definitely pointing out that we women need to talk more and more about these type of things, about our dreams and our desires. And we will next Tuesday. Tune in to Shedding the Bitch Radio at noon Eastern time. Time. And we will continue to kind of dive into these subjects, not necessarily Fifty Shades of Grey unless you ask me to. And, uh, but at the same time, Shedding the Bitch addresses all the subjects that we might as women be kind of suppressing and not shedding. And if we could shed those fears and insecurities and doubts we have of ourselves, we would definitely live a much fuller and richer life. And that's what Shedding the Bitch is all about. So I'd love to hear from you, so tune in next Tuesday at noon. And thank you so much for joining this conversation today. Have a great week, everybody. Thank you for using BlogTalkRadio. Goodbye.