What to Expect When Having Expectations with Ben Winter

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Welcome, welcome, welcome everyone, and thank you for joining us for another episode of Shedding the Bitch Radio. Yes, I am indeed Bernadette Boas. And we have a great conversation for you today. It's something that even when it was proposed to me, I was like, oh my God, that's so simple, but yet so powerful. We're gonna talk about what to expect when having expectations. And we're gonna have that conversation with Ben Winter, but we will introduce him and bring him into the program in just a minute. But in the meantime, I wanna thank our new viewers and listeners and followers. We are so grateful that you are finding us out on our Shedding the Bits YouTube channel, out on iTunes, right here at blogtalkradio.com, Stitcher, anywhere you stream your podcasts, and of course sheddingthebits.com. We appreciate you being here and helping us grow our community and our listenership, and we would love for you to be liking, following, subscribing, rating, commenting. Providing any type of input you might have in regards to the topics you'd like to hear about when it comes to what you're dealing with in your day-in, day-out life, whether it be at work, in your own business, or at home, in your relationships with money, whatever the case might be. As well, if you have any recommendations of people you think would make fabulous guests, please feel free to always email us at media relations at ballafiremedia.com.

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And to our current ongoing existing viewers and listeners, we would not be able to do this program without you. And we so appreciate it because you're the ones who are helping us also to find those new eyes and ears for the program. So we so appreciate it. And can please continue giving us ratings on iTunes, giving us comments, feedback, subscribing, following, liking, all the things that you could do across all of the various platforms that I had mentioned. But again, I'll mention them: iTunes, Stitcher, all your streaming services, as well as BlogTalkRadio, Shedding the Bitch TV on YouTube, and of course sheddingthebitch.com. I have to thank our sponsor, North Georgia Tax Solutions. Debbie Snelling and her team, who serve the entire country, not just Georgia, provides full service financial and tax services to small to corporate size clients and does a fabulous job. So if you need any support or you just want to check her out, please go to ngtaxsolutions.com to learn more. All right, but today's subject, and we'll then bring in our guest and get into it, like I said, is all about those expectations we all have. I mean, of course, you know, we're into January, close to February, you know, New Year's resolutions, all that kind of good stuff. So of course we're all kind of in our head about expectations and goals and everything else that we, we have planned for ourselves. We all have them. We all have expectations. They are the reason we get upset. They're the reasons we get stressed out. They're the reasons we might cheer. But why not master them? Why not master expectations and what you can actually expect from them? So So the things that I want you to be listening for today from our conversation is what expectations are. I mean, do you really have a good understanding of what they are and where do they come from? What to do when you get upset and why you were upset in the first place as a result. Think about that. Why were you upset about an expectation in the first place? And you can't not have expectations. And I'm having a feel— I have a feeling that might have to do with the heart, but why you can't not have expectations. So our rich question for today, and so for Ben, our guest, and for all of our new listeners and viewers, I'd like to set you up with a rich question that grounds you in our conversation. So you might have joined in and said, you know, I don't know what the subject is about, about expectations. I don't have expectations. I don't get upset by expectations. Well, bear with us because I'm going to ground you in a rich question and it'll help you then relate to what it is our guest has to share with you. Okay, so your rich question for today is simply, what is that expectation that you have this month, this year? What expectations do you have? So let us kind of sit with those as we get into this conversation, and maybe you might just find how you can be leveraging those expectations in a beneficial way for you. Okay, so let me introduce our guest as I bring him in. Ben Winter, author, speaker, and owner of Success Improv, certainly hasn't been idle in life. A couple of years out of college and he started doing things and going places he would never have expected, from traveling to personal growth to marriage and child to divorce and parenthood to entrepreneurialism and inspiring others. Ben has flown an airplane on his own and has been scuba diving in the Galápagos. He's gonna have to fix that for me. He has seen the animals of Tanzania and has traveled all over Europe with a 6-month child in tow. He has performed improv, yay, for over a decade, acted in several plays and even a movie. He has owned several businesses. And to learn more about him, you can go to success improv.com. All right, successimprov.com. So let us bring him in with a round of applause. Welcome Ben Winter to the show. How are you, Ben?

Trying to get everything started here. I'm good.

How you doing?

I'm well. Good.

I love this. Well, first off, I love Success Improv. I've actually done improv myself. So I was like so interested in talking with you, but more so because of this subject around expectations, because it really caught me off guard, you know, as I, you know, kind of read the pitch. I was like, oh, expectations, this is a very kind of unique area that I don't know that I've ever had anybody really speaking to. So what an interesting topic. So you need to share with us, well, first off, where are you calling from?

I'm from Denver, Colorado.

Denver, is it nice? Do you have snow?

Uh, no, there's no snow today, but it is kind of cold, so.

Ah, so the ski season hasn't kicked in yet?

No, the, I mean, the ski resorts are, they have magical devices that create snow for themselves, but I don't think there's a whole lot of snow up there, so I don't know how it's going. I haven't skied in a couple years, so.

Yeah, yeah. Ah, well, I just, I'll never forget that I've been to Denver many times. But I'll never forget the first time I flew into Denver and I was a lingerie buyer. So I went, "Jane Russell's bra." That's what the airport looked like to me, was Jane Russell's bra. And someone's like— and I happened to say that like out loud and someone's like, "They're mountain peaks." I'm like, "Jane Russell's bra." Now I'm aging myself. I'm aging myself for a lot of our listeners and viewers. And they're like, "Who the hell is Jane Russell?" They're gonna go look it up now. Look it up, Jane Russell's bronze, and tell me if it doesn't look like Denver's airport.

Yeah, I honestly, when they first did that, I was like, what are you guys thinking?

I think it's a brilliant idea, but at the same time it conjures up a lot of different things. Anyway, anyway, so you need to share because success improv, love it. So before we get in this conversation about expectations Share with us kind of where were you and how did you get here as far as this particular subject?

Sure.

So I started doing improv about 10 years ago, actually 12 years ago, and started my own business about 10 years ago. And I've been doing personal growth work for about 20 years now. And in about 2015, everything just sort of came together into one big thing, which is now called Success Improv. And throughout kind of that process and teaching improv to others, I came across this piece within improv about expectations, and it sort of just went from there. So I'm sure we'll get more into that as we go further into the interview.

So yes, yes, because I'm thinking, wow, that's interesting. Um, I dabbled, you know, I did it a couple times about 20 years ago, and then I did a 2-3 session series of courses last year. Wow, it was so much fun. Um, well, okay, so improv and expectations. So let's start with expectations first. What is it about expectations that you kind of like are very intrigued by? Um, and yet at the same time, we, you know, you know, we common folk might not have an idea of what, you know, what we are. We kind of take them for granted. So help us understand that.

Yeah, so in, in the training that I was doing, I came across this realization that the only reason anybody ever gets upset is because an expectation hasn't been met. And I was like, okay, that's a great concept, but what do I do with that? And so I started to play with, okay, so I'm upset, I have an expectation, what does that mean? And that's where I kind of came up with this kind of flowchart. Well, that's not kind of a flowchart, it is a flowchart. And dealing with it starts with being upset and it kind of goes from there. And the first question on the flowchart after, you know, you realize you're upset is, did you know you had an expectation? And a lot of times we don't even realize we had the expectation until it goes unmet. And so I created this flowchart and then I was like, okay, that's great. But what else do— what else can I do with this? And so then I finished writing the book. What to Expect When Having Expectations, which kind of dives into the whole thing around expectations. And, you know, when somebody says, "Well, I choose not to have expectations so I can't be disappointed," I'm like, "Well, that's an expectation of yourself." So you can't not have expectations. It's impossible. We're humans. We have them. And so it's, it's more of how to deal with being upset. And I, I tell people all the time, I'm like, go ahead, get upset. I think it's a great thing because that's that moment in time where you can choose to do something different, and here's a way to do it.

So, right. But what if— what happens when they have this expectation, they get upset, but they— but a lot of, a lot of us, we just get upset, we react, right? And we don't really sit back and contemplate and pensen about what the meaning of life is You know, so, so how can someone use expectations and recognizing, like you said, that they are upset about something to kind of help them process and move on?

Yeah, well, everybody wants the magic bullet or the magic drink or the magic whatever to be done with it. Well, that doesn't work that way. You have to practice. And this is just another method of practicing something. To grow as a person. And if you catch yourself 1 out of every 10 times this week, maybe do that for a couple weeks. Next week, next month, it's 2 times out of 10. And then, you know, it's just a practice. And a lot of people that I give the flowchart to, they'll put it on their fridge and it's just a quick little reminder of like, oh hey, have I shared the expectation? Or do I need to expand on my expectation? Do I need to get buy-in on my expectation so that everybody knows what's going on?

Okay, all right. So I'm going to sidebar the flowchart for just 2 seconds, but you mentioned a book and I don't see it in my notes. So share with us about your book and any information that, you know, people might need in regards to your book.

It's called What to Expect When Having Expectations.

Awesome.

Yeah, kind of matches the background of my video on purpose, actually. But yeah, it's— I have a website called havingexpectations.com. All the information's there. You can get the flowchart on there and everything. So, but that's the book that kind of describes where expectations come from, why we have them. And, you know, what happens when they go unmet, and what do we do about it?

Right. And so the flowchart, again, I'll repeat for him, havingexpectations.com. I'm a very visual person, and so, you know, as much as we are, you know, one, we're broadcasting audio but video as well, we don't necessarily have the flowchart in front of us. So can you paint us a picture of the flowchart? Because I'll be, for one, will be getting it and putting it up on my refrigerator for sure.

Sure. Well, since there's video and audio, I'm going to kind of hold it up really quick. So this is a quick version of the flowchart. And at the very top, you'll see you're upset. That's the starting point of this flowchart. And the first question is, did you know you had an expectation? And the reason I dive right into that is because, you know, you're upset because it went up, it went unmet. And like I said before, sometimes we don't even know we had the expectation until it goes unmet. And why is that? Well, sometimes those expectations come from how we were brought up as a human being. And so it's, it's pre-programmed from our parents, from our past as kids. And so now it's just coming up because of the situation. So we might not even know, oh, I expect people to be on time because that's how I was raised. You know, I struggle with that one all the time. Like, I'm a rarity, I think, in this world because, you know, when growing up, if you were not 5 minutes early, you were late. And so to this day, if I'm showing up 2 minutes early, I'm like, oh God, like freaking out, right? And then when somebody shows up 15 minutes late, I was like 30 seconds away from walking out the door. But I have, I've come to the realization not everybody lives the same way I do. And so it's unrealistic for me to have those expectations of others without sharing with them first and saying, you know, are you the type of person that's on time? Are you the type of person that comes late? I need to understand where you are so that I can set my own expectations to handle that.

Yeah, and that is a— actually, that is a perfect, uh, question and conversation to have, whether or not it's relationships, whether or not it's friendships, whether or not it's employee-employer, you know, and, you know, even coach to coachee, um, you know, have those expectations, uh, you know, if you— yeah, I mean, how you operate No one else is going to understand that, right, unless you have that conversation.

Yeah, I think we call that communication, something that we, we suck at as a society these days. You know, we have all these great tools, but we suck at communicating.

Yes, we do. Yeah, well, especially because we think that all that, like, you know, social media jarb that we put out there is communicating.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And when it comes to people, you know, the written word, emails, text messages, there's so much missing in the communication there that having an actual conversation is, is what's needed. And, you know, it comes down, you know, kind of in the middle here, it's like time to talk is really what it comes down to, whether that's having a conversation with yourself, having that conversation with the other person. And really, it's, it comes back to communication with yourself and those around you. Right.

Okay, having that conversation with yourself, I'm gonna go, go back there, um, because I was also having a recent conversation with someone about— and she referred to it as doing your homework, um, and she— it was a conversation about people at, you know, 40 and above. They finally get around to realizing, you know, that they really want to kind of figure out who they are and how they, how they operate, and therefore they need to do their homework. And it sounds as if you're saying the same thing, is that self-talk is to what, discover, you know, to kind of intentionally through your flowchart intentionally ask those probing questions that allow someone to really get a good understanding of who they are and how they operate.

Yeah, I mean, homework, personal growth, it's all the same thing. It's, it's a practice. It's something that if you want to have more, do more, and be more in life, You have to practice those tools that are given to you to do so, whether that's through a coach, whether that's through a book, whether that's through a program, whatever it might be, you have to practice those on a regular basis. And you can only start with yourself. You can't say, "Oh, well, I'm married to you, so you need to go read that book and you need to change your life." Well, that doesn't work. We all know that. So you have to start with yourself. You have to have those internal conversations. You know, a coach isn't necessarily going to give you the answer; they're going to pull it out of you. And the only way to do that is really, you know, for you to have those self-discoveries and to have those internal conversations with yourself. And, you know, this is no different. You've got to start with yourself and ask yourself the tough questions. And there's a lot of times in this flowchart where there's like a yes or no question. Sometimes in those "no" questions, you know, like, have I had that conversation with somebody? Well, no. That's the scary part, because now you have to have that conversation. And what if they don't agree with you? And, you know, it's like, oh, every possible scenario just starts popping up in your brain. And you get scared, you might stop yourself. But that's where you have to, you know, an opportunity to break through, to have that conversation with that person.

Yeah, well, and again, going back, I tend to like break down people's conversations. You know, I think a lot of people too— do you observe that people would rather start with getting everyone else to change and getting everyone else to figure out what their issues are and what their, you know, problems are versus, you know, and then maybe I'll get to me, maybe I'll then get to me? Do you find that?

Well, all you have to do is turn on the TV and look at social media. No, you need to change. No, you need to change. No, you need to change. Well, nobody's going to change unless they want to, and then it comes back to a personal decision.

Yeah, and I have to acknowledge for anybody out there, you know, either you're rolling your eyes going, of course I know, you know, I have to figure things out, you know, of myself and for myself, and yet others are sitting there going, what the hell are you guys talking about? I was probably, I was probably 48, um, when I kind of was confronted with a bunch of stuff. But I was confronted with having to say, okay, wait a minute, you have no clue who you are, you know, let alone what other people, how other people perceive you. You have no clue of who you are. You totally have lost yourself. You need to figure out who in the world you are. So I love this because it's one of those probing discovery type of You know, not— I don't even— it's a practice. It's a practice, not an exercise. It's a practice, you know, to always be questioning kind of, you know, if you're getting upset, why are you getting upset? I love that because, you know, again, I think a lot of us take it for granted. Oh, we know who— I know who I am. What are you talking about? I don't know who I am. Believe me. And I know people in their 50s, 60s, and 70s who, you know, all of a sudden are coming to that realization. So I love that. Now, it's one thing about expectations. It's another thing about how do I manage or prevent or even be proactive about not even getting upset? Is it that questioning of why am I getting upset or what my expectations, or does it go deeper than that?

It's a combination of all of that. In practice of, you know, I'm upset and I can do something different, you start to realize You know what, I could have avoided being upset had I gone and done this first. And whatever that might be, that could be having that conversation with a spouse, with a friend, with a coworker, with a boss, with an employee. You know, you can, you'll start to realize, I can avoid being upset by having a conversation beforehand, by setting those expectations. And I, I'm amazed on a daily basis how much I notice setting expectations with people more now than ever. And I'm pretty sure in, in the world of personal growth, this would be called setting boundaries. And it's very important for people to set boundaries, you know, say, you know, I'm— my time is precious. I want to meet you at a specific time, and I want you to be on time. Or I love— I have a great example in the book. And it's, you know, a wife and a husband at home. And she says, you know, honey, take out the trash. Okay. For most of us, that's pretty obvious. Take out the trash. Okay. Easy enough. But what if he's doing something that he wants to have be a priority and she doesn't say, you know, why she needs it taken out or when she needs it taken out? You know, maybe she's making dinner for a bunch of friends that are coming over and she threw like fish heads in there or something. And now it's going to stink really bad if it doesn't get taken out right. Right now. But since, you know, she didn't share her expectations of needing it now and why and creating that negotiation, that communication, you know, she's just going to sit there getting upset that he's not moving. You know, and that's just one of those simple examples that we all have all been with of asking somebody to do something for us, but they're not doing it on our timetable or they're not doing it how we want them to do. You know, think of employees and employers. Well, you're not doing it the way I want you to do it. But my way is more effective than the way you want me to do it. Well, let's have a conversation and hash this out. But instead, it's this, "Grrr, they're not doing it my way. Oh, they're not letting me do it my way." And OK, well, who's talking? Nobody. And that creates a rift, people being upset. And that could have all been avoided had there been a little bit of a conversation, a little bit more detail.

So in our very frenzy, because I'm, I'm pro, you know, again, I'm visual, so I'm processing all these scenarios in my head. And, you know, in our, in our frenzy of life that we call life, um, how, how you found— because you said that, you know, you have found that you're, you know, you've been able to do this a lot easier than, you know, when you first started. But how does someone all of a sudden as, you know, as that bubble is growing of being upset or disappointed or angry or whatever, how's one to squash it down? Like what type of trigger, you know, or what type of shift can someone make to all of a sudden stop themselves? Because, you know, again, that scenario is so simple but so powerful that, you know, the wife and the husband, you know, But yet at the same time, our life is so frenzied, she's just like, hey honey, you know, take out the trash. What would you say to her that she could, you know, stop yourself, like as you're even getting into it and back off?

Yeah, and that's where the whole idea of practicing this comes into fruition. You're not going to catch yourself every time. I don't catch myself every time. I'm not perfect. I don't think anybody ever will be perfect. Yeah, we're humans, we're flawed. That's, that's how it is. The reality though is that the more often you practice it, the faster you're going to catch it, and then you'll be able to preemptively keep those things from ever happening. Yeah, and when they do happen, you're going to realize very quickly whether it was some— what part you played in it. Not whether or not you played a part, but what part you played in it, whether that was not providing the information when it was necessary, not calming down and assessing the situation and realizing, "I just completely forgot to even share the expectation with the other people," and so on and so forth. And so there is no magic, you know, click this button and you'll never have this problem again. It's, you know, here's a, here's an approach, practice it on a regular basis, and things will get better. And there will be less upset and there will be more communication and everybody will be happier.

Yeah, it's, it's so true. And I, and if you, if you, um, will allow me, I have to give you this scenario of what happened to me earlier. And this is something that I've been practicing. And trust me, when he says it takes time, I've been practicing this probably for, you know, a good 8 or 9 years because I used to have a trigger finger when it came to anger and being upset and just lashing out. And if something— I mean, the second something wasn't going my way, forget it. You did not want to be around me, trust me. And, um, and yet I've gotten to the point— and but again, practice, practice, practice. So this morning, um, I happen to be doing, uh, several recording, pre-recordings of, you know, the, the show today. I won't have a voice by the end of the day. But so I went last night, I went and went to print off the materials that I would need, and my printer wouldn't print. It was coming up blank. So I took a deep breath and I was like, okay, something's just like screwed up. I just took a deep breath and I spent about an hour trying to do all these things, Googling YouTube videos of how to, you know, kind of, you know, figure out what's going on and fix it. And I'm telling you, like, you know, even 5 years ago, 8 years ago, 12 years ago, I would have just been like, Raging. And so to your point, it's like, okay, what was my expectation? My expectation was when I wanted something printed, it would print, right?

Exactly.

You know, so then this morning I said, okay, so then I saw this thing that said, okay, it might be because one of the ink cartridges is empty and, you know, it needs these two, and one of the, you know, one of the two, one of the two other ones. So I said, okay, it was empty, I'll go and run this morning, 7 o'clock in the morning, and get another ink cartridge. And come back, and hopefully it'll work. And I did a few other things. And this morning I came back, and I was like maybe 45 minutes from the first interview that I had to do. And I kind of redid what they told me to do, took out the pieces, put them back in, put in the cartridge, still didn't print. And again, you know, years ago I just would have been like, ah! But I actually just— actually, I spoke to the man up above. And I stayed calm, cool, and collected, and I said, 'You know, obviously it's not working, it's not going to work, so I just need to come up with another solution. I'm not going to get myself upset.' And I, you know, and I kind of sense this little pat, like, 'Good job, good job,' you know.

Awesome.

You know, but that, but that's the self-talk you're talking about too, right?

Absolutely.

Yeah, it's just figuring out the expectation, you know, even to a machine. You know, 'I expect you to work. Why aren't you working?' Yeah, but all of a sudden that came up for me when, as you were explaining those scenarios. Uh, yeah, I go all over the place. Um, okay, so you already explained that it's, that it's not— well, it's possible— no, it's not possible to not have expectations, right? Um, how— now, when I first kind of was looking into this, I thought to myself, well, okay, so it's goals, and people have expectations of their goals, but this is even simpler than that. But goals tie into it, right? Like when we, you know, lay out our action plan for the day, and there's— therefore that's our expectation. Would that be right? And then if we don't get it, we either get, you know, agitated, upset, whatever the case might be. Um, so then what would be our conversation to ourselves?

I think it comes back to kind of going through, like, OK, you knew you had your expectations. The next kind of step in there is, were they reasonable? Like, did you set yourself up for failure? Or did you set yourself up for success? And a lot of times when we work with goals, we'll set our sights too high or not high enough. And, and there's a, there's a fine balance there. And, you know, the more times that you win, The more times that you get your goals, the more you're going to set more goals. If every time you set a goal and you always fail, why would you ever set a goal?

Why get up in the morning?

I know, right? And so it's, you know, it's a fine balance because you don't want to say like, well, my goal today is to have breakfast. Like, OK, you know, strive for a little bit more. You know you're going to have breakfast unless you never have breakfast. And that's a big hard thing for you to do, great. However, most people have breakfast in the morning. That's not a very lofty goal. And, but again, you don't want to set so many things to do that you ultimately fail on your day. And, you know, it's having those conversations with yourself. Did I try for too much? Did I, you know, not set myself up for a victory? Or did I make it way too easy for myself and I can do that every day. There's a balance and you just have to play with it. It's a practice just like anything else.

Yeah.

All right. So now I'm very intrigued. Now I need to understand what was it in improv that kind of was like an aha moment for you when it came to expectations?

So there's a rule in improv. And my first book is Living Unscripted. It talks about the main 5 rules of improv, and that's kind of the basis for the classes that I teach through Success Improv. And one of the rules of improv is focus on the present, and it's very important on stage improv. So if you're ever watching improv on stage, the actors and actresses simply have to be present. They have to focus on what's going on right now. They can't be thinking about the laundry. They can't be thinking about the you know, what are they going to get for dinner after the show. They can't be thinking about anything but right now, and that includes 2 seconds from now. A lot of times what happens is, you know, we like to think of scenarios of what if, and when you're on stage, you're like, well, you know, if that person says this thing, then I could go over there and I could do that about this show. And by the time you've had that thought, they've gone in a completely different direction and you're left behind. And so you're either stuck hoping that your subconscious heard them correctly and you don't fail, or you've got to, you know, do the best, like, "Oh man, I just blacked out there for a second. Sorry, what did you say?" You know, that sort of situation. But you weren't in the present, so you don't know what's going on. But you had an expectation they were going to go one direction and they went a different direction. And there's no time on stage improv to handle that. Now, in life, there's a little bit more time to handle something like that, but it's a little bit more detrimental because you're expecting somebody to do something in a certain way or at a certain time, and they don't do it. So now what, what happens to you in your life based on that? And so that's where the upset comes from. And it was just this weird realization that, you know, in improv we have expectations unless we get really good at focusing on the present so that we get rid of those expectations. Because when you're focused here and now, there are no expectations.

Right, right.

You know, when we're doing this interview, if one of us is thinking about, well, at 10 o'clock I've got to do this thing, or, you know, at 2 in the afternoon I've got this errand to run. You know, if I'm thinking about those things doing this interview, I'm not going to be a very good speaker for this interview. And it's just going to be— people are gonna be like, who is this guy? Yeah, you know.

Yeah.

So I have to be fully present now to A, get your— understand your questions and what you're asking, and to be focused enough to give an answer that actually answers the question.

Yeah. Now, you know, I have to tell you, Ben, that is in itself powerful. I've only in the last couple of years really have come to that understanding of being present and being in the now. I'm actually reading, I've been reading it for about 6 months because I've been reading it over and over, The Power of Now.

I was going to say Eckhart Tolle.

Yeah, Eckhart Tolle. And you know, so had you told me 2 years ago, oh, well, you need to be present and now, I'd be like, I am. You know, what are you talking about? I am here. And yet it's just, you're so right. You know, even as I'm talking to you and you kind of pulled me back in, I was kind of like, okay, because I couldn't print my materials. I'm having to look over here to see, you know, kind of, you know, the outline that I put together. And so I am a little bit— I was until you pulled me back in— a little bit in my head about it. But that's what it's all about is, you know, just right now all that matters is, you know, us, you know, engaging. And, you know, I can intentionally look over and not disrupt what we're doing and still be in the now. But you know, yeah, and that is practice in itself.

That is absolutely— it is. And you know, if you look at kids, they are so good at living in the present because you're like, okay, we need to leave. But I was busy like in this fantasy world that I just created with these two little figurines I'm playing with. You know, they're so good at living in the now. And you know, we grow out of that and some, for some reason. Yeah, and it's, it's magical when you can get back there because nothing else matters, right?

It really is. And it's, it's very, um, I guess magical is a great word. Yeah, because it— yeah, it's just so calming too when you just know you're connected to like right now. Um, it's, it's so calming, but that could be a conversation. Oh, um, it can. Yeah.

And that was one thing I found when I, when I was doing stage improv was, you know, I would get up on stage and nothing else mattered. Me up there doing what I was doing. It didn't matter if I was funny or not funny or failed or didn't fail. Like, nothing else mattered. The world disappeared and it was just then and now, and it was amazing. That's one reason I just absolutely love doing improv.

Yeah.

Love it. Because yeah, and you know, and again, I dabbled, and yes, I did it for a full year, and I absolutely loved it. And my friends came and they were just like, you're nuts. And I'm like, but it's so much fun. But I have to tell you, I mean, we're gonna sidebar here just for a second, but I have to tell you, I had the biggest issue with asking questions, you know. And that's one thing about improv is you don't necessarily— you don't ask questions. And I had the biggest issue with you know, ask. Because, because, and I said to the group, and I was the oldest of course, but I said to the group, I'm like, understand something, I spend every day of my life interviewing people. I spend every day of my life questioning people as a coach, as a radio host, you know, as a speaker, you know, it's what I do.

And it's, it's funny because it is a good thing to teach in improv at the beginning. After a while though you learn what types of questions you can ask. You know, like a very leading question will give enough detail for the other person to respond with. But just saying, "What do you think?" is such a bad question because now everything is now on the other actor. But it's like, "What do you think about the color red on this wall?" "Oh, we're talking about painting a wall red. Got it. I know where I'm going now." You know, so a leading question in improv is totally okay, but it is good to practice not having questions. So it's this weird world with improv, and the more that you do it, the more levels there are. And yeah, it's a blast.

But that scenario also was an expectation, right? Exactly. So, you know, your partner is expecting you to give them something that they can then respond to, but then if you ask this open-ended question, that's caused them to be like, What in the world? Um, that's expectation, bringing it back to our subject today. That's actually— I love it. So if there was— well, first off, let me get a couple things, um, done first. Okay, so successimprov.com, everyone, take a look at it, learn all about Ben, um, and you know what he does. But at the same time, go to havingexpectations.com as well. And download that flowchart. I'll be there, but I have to find a printer first.

I was going to say you need to get your printer fixed.

So I have to get my printer fixed first. If anyone knows how, let me know. Uh, I'll be buying one, I have a feeling. But havingexpectations.com/flow-chart. Um, at the same time, look for his book. Could you hold that up again for me? Uh, for those of you listening, I'll tell you what it is. What to Expect When Having Expectations, so appropriate to today's title of today's show. What to Expect When Having Expectations. So check out that as well. And then let me see, I just want to make sure we cover everything. What would, what would the— if there was one thing you would leave people with to, you know, consider and to really ground themselves in? 'Cause we did go back to the Rich question, going back to the Rich question. Everybody should be thinking about what is that one expectation that you had that's kind of gotten you upset or didn't get fulfilled and you kind of went down the path of what we're talking about. What would be one thing that you would share with them?

So, I always tell people, it is totally okay for you to be upset. A lot of people put being upset to shame, and I don't think that's— I think it's a great trigger point for you to do something different. Einstein talked about that you can't solve a problem at the same level it was created. And one interpretation of that is that you can't solve an emotional problem emotionally. Being upset is an emotional issue. So a flowchart is not an emotional tool. It's a mechanical tool. It's a mental tool. And it's just one way to solve an emotional problem. You know, some people go on a walk or go on a run to solve an emotional problem. Some people try to think about it. And some people pray about certain things, you know, spiritual side of things. So, you know, this is just one method to work through an emotional issue. And if every reason that we get upset is because an expectation hasn't been met, and I've yet to figure out a way that that's not a true statement. This is a great mental, you know, quick and easy mental approach to getting through it. And so be okay with getting upset. It's totally okay. It's what you do about what you— it's what you do about it when you get upset that really matters.

Yep, it's so true.

How you respond, how you respond to it is what really is Yeah, respond versus react. Yes.

Awesome, this has been awesome. I love it, love it, love it. All right, so everybody, successimprov.com, havingexpectations.com. You know, do research on Ben Winter and definitely pick up the flowchart, pick up the book, and just see how he can help you to handle your expectations more productively and effectively going forward so your 2021 is very successful. So thank you, Ben. I so appreciate it. This has been a great conversation.

Absolutely. I appreciate being on here.

Now keep in mind, everyone, if you ever have questions for our guests like Ben, we have our Ask Bernadette episode coming up the first Tuesday of every month. So you could be posting your questions, stories, or challenges, or comments onto our Shedding the Bitch Facebook page, and I would share them with Ben or any other guests that you would have, as well as I might even have to reach out to them, get some feedback or a response, answers from them, and then I'd bring them right to our first Tuesday of the month, our Ask Me Anything episode, of which then I would share what our guests provided back to you and to anyone else that asked any questions. So if you have any questions, stories, or challenges, all month long be posting them on our Facebook or our Twitter page for Shedding the Bitch, and then I gather them up. I get to you right away, but at the same time I bring them because your question is probably a question that someone else has as well, or your challenge that you're dealing with is something that someone else is dealing with as well. So for Ben, for myself, and for everybody here in the Shedding the Bitch community, thank you everyone, and I'll look forward to having you right back here on our next episode on Tuesdays of Shedding the Bitch Radio. Thanks everybody. Bye, Ben.

Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.