Who Are You as a Leader When No One Is Watching?

You probably know where your leadership gaps are, but you haven't put focus time on it. So I want to ask you something, and I want you to really sit with it before you answer. Who are you as a leader when no one is watching? Not the version you show your boss, not the performance you put on in an on-hands meeting, or the polished version that that lives on your LinkedIn profile. I'm talking about the leader who shows up even at 4:00 PM on a Thursday, exhausted, stressed out. The pressure is on. Nobody's giving you credit. And how you handle the next 5 minutes is going to say everything about who you actually are. That leader— who is that? In my 18 years of coaching over 400 executives, managers to C-suite, That is the question that stops almost everyone cold in their tracks. Most leaders have never honestly answered it, or they never even considered having to address it. Yet that gap between the leader you perform and the leader you actually are, that is where everything gets stuck. And today we're gonna start closing that gap. Welcome to Shedding the Corporate Bitch. I'm Bernadette Boas, executive coach, speaker, author, and founder of Ball of Fire Coaching. Today I'm launching episode 1 of a brand new series right here on the podcast, From Stuck to Leading, the 5-part coaching conversation. Over the 5 episodes, I'm gonna be asking you 5 key questions, the same questions I ask my private coaching clients, the ones that cut through everything you find to be comfortable and gets to what actually is true. And each question is going to be anchored in a diagnostic tool that I'm gonna give you right here free in order for you to have it in your hands for each episode. Now, before we get started, for those joining for the first time, a little bit about me. I spent 25 years in corporate America. I climbed, I performed, I hit my numbers. I was a VP, a chief knowledge officer. I had every external marker of success, and I was convinced I knew who I was as a leader. Until I got fired. When the title was gone, the office was gone, the team was gone, I had nothing underneath it because I had spent 25 years performing leadership without ever actually owning it. My identity as a leader had been completely built on what I did, not who I was. That unraveling was the most painful and the most important thing that ever happened to my career. It became the foundation for everything I now do with my clients and here on the podcast. And it's why I can ask you the questions I'm going to throughout this series. So when I ask you, who are you when no one is watching? I'm asking from experience, my own personal experience. And I know exactly what it costs when you can't answer that. So here's how the series is gonna go. In 5 episodes every other week, I'm going to present you 5 coaching questions. One tool that anchors all of it is the Leadership Gap Diagnostic. It includes 25 statements within 5 leadership areas, 4 performance tiers, and 3 reflection questions at the end of the diagnostic that most leaders tell me are the most clarifying things they've ever done for themselves when it comes to their personal or professional development. This is the same diagnostic I've used with my clients over the years, and I'm offering it to you for free. You can go to tiny.cc/leadershipgapdiagnostic. It'll only take you about 10 minutes. And if you have to, you can pause right now before moving on with the episode so you can complete it or at least get familiar with it. But definitely have it before episode 2, because everything that we're going to talk about throughout this series is going to be grounded in your results of the Leadership Gap Diagnostic. You'll also want to grab a pen and paper because what I'm going to want you to do is, as you're evaluating these questions and coming up with your scores, but also answering these questions, you really want to get it out of your head and onto a piece of paper. It's the best way to really ground yourself into what you are thinking and feeling about your own leadership. And keep in mind, though the diagnostic is free, the insights it'll give you is absolutely not. It's going to be invaluable and extremely measurable as you move forward in your career. You can go to tiny.cc/leadershipgapdiagnostic, or you can find the link in the show notes. Stay with us as we get into this coaching experience meant to really transform who you are and how you show up as a leader.

Welcome to Shedding the Corporate Bitch, the podcast that transforms today's managers into tomorrow's powerhouse leaders. Your host, Bernadette Boas, executive coach and author, brings you into a world where the corporate grind meets personal growth and success in each and every episode.

Even before you've had a chance to download the diagnostic, let alone take it, in this episode, we're going to address two of the questions within it. The two that in my experience reveal more about a leader and where they actually are than anything else. As I read them off to you, I want you to really sit with them because they are the foundation of the question that I asked at the beginning of the episode. Here's how this will work. I'm going to read you a spotlight question, the 2 today. Then I'm going to give you a moment to score yourself between 1 to 5. 1 means there is a real struggle for you right now, and 5 means you're genuinely strong at it. And then I'm going to tell you what I've seen those scores to mean to the leaders that I work with. All right. Keep in mind, no one's watching. No one's grading you. This is just for you and your truth. Are you ready?

All right.

So the first spotlight question is, I have a clear and accurate understanding of how my leadership style is experienced by the people around me, not how I intend it to be, but how it actually is. So score yourself from 1 to 5. 1 again means you're struggling with it. 5 means you're genuinely strong at it? I'll give you a few seconds. And one key coaching tip: don't think too hard on it. You know the answer. It's on the surface. And so use that answer. Don't try to contrive an answer. This is for you. So do it brutally honestly, whether it's 1 or 5. And here's what I know about this question. Almost every leader I work with scores themselves somewhere between 4 and 5. Yet when I go to assess it, to actually gain the feedback and the observations and the examples from their team members, from their boss, maybe from their 360s or performance reviews, we discover that the number's actually 2 or 3. And that's not because they're bad leaders. It's just simply because the gap between how we intend our leadership to show up and how it actually lands on those around us oftentimes is larger than we think. And we can't close a gap we can't see, or we can't close a gap that we're not being honest about. And the key here is that self-awareness is not woo-woo or even self-indulgent. It's about accuracy. So consider this. Do you actually know how you show up for the people around you? Do you know how they actually are experiencing you? Are they happy, energized, motivated, or are they fearful, exhausted, stressed out? Maybe they don't trust you. If you have to guess at that answer, your score or your answer just told you something very important that you have to keep in mind, have to consider, and you have to work on it. Right now though, I want you to write it down. What is that score between 1 And 5. Now let's look at Spotlight Question number 2. And keep in mind, Question 1 and 2 are leading back to the ultimate question of this episode, and that is, who are you truly as a leader when no one is watching? Spotlight Question number 2 that you're going to score yourself 1 to 5. If I am honest with myself, the gap between the leader I am today and the leader my organization needs me to be is the one I'm actively and intentionally closing. So again, rate yourself between 1 to 5. 1, you're struggling with that. 5, you're genuinely strong at closing any gap and living in the space of which your people in your organization needs. This question is doing something very specific. It's separating awareness from action because the leaders I work with almost universally are aware that a gap exists. They know they need to develop it. They intend to address it. And they plan to get to it. But actively and intentionally closing it, that's a whole different story. That requires a plan, specific behaviors, accountability. And most leaders, even high performers, are not closing their gaps with that level of intention. They're hoping proximity to good leadership will rub off on them. They're attending a training class, reading a book here and there. That's not active. That's passive. And more concerning for me as a coach is that they make every excuse in the book to justify why they aren't acknowledging it or taking action to close the gap. So when you scored that question, were you scoring your desire to close the gap or the actual actions towards closing it? Because if there's any honest distance between those two answers, the distance is the gap. So write that number down next to the first one. There you have 2 scores. The full diagnostic gives you 23 more across every dimension of leadership, and it places you in one of 4 tiers: Powerhouse Leader, High Potential Leader, Capable Leader at a Crossroad, or Leader at Risk. Each of those tiers tell you something true about where you actually are and exactly where you need to focus on to shift toward the leader that you want to be and that your team and your organization needs. Before we move on, just a reminder, be story that you've downloaded the diagnostic, tiny.cc/leadershipgapdiagnostic. Complete it, bring it with you for episode 2, because everything that we're going to continue to talk about is built on knowing exactly where you stand today. Now I want to go back to the question that I opened with, because those 2 scores you just wrote down, they just gave a lot of context, a lot of texture, a lot of information to answer that question. Who are you as a leader when no one is watching? I want you to notice what happened just now when I asked you that question again. Did all of a sudden, because you answered those first two questions and you scored yourself, did all of a sudden you go and reach for your job description because you're really not sure of what you're responsible for as a leader? Did you go and look at your last performance review so you can get some feedback and really understand from other people? Did you start listing your accomplishments when that question was asked? Or did you actually know what kind of leader you are when no one's watching? And that is the identity question, the foundation for everything when it comes to a coaching experience of any kind. In my experience, the most avoided question in leadership development. Is who are you as a leader when no one is watching? Because your leadership identity is all about who you are at the core, who you are without your title, without the company, without what anyone else says about you or whatever feedback you might have received. It is the foundation of who you are and what you stand for as a leader. Everything else is then built on that you're bringing and showing up and delivering to your team and to the business each and every day. And if that foundation is shaky or unclear or confusing, then nothing else will hold it together. Nothing else will allow you to really build a high-performing, high-functioning team, let alone to advance and grow in your own leadership capacity. And we want to be sure that you're able to do that, because if you're the powerhouse I think you are, then they are looking for opportunities to grow, to develop, to advance.. And so we want to be sure that you're being very honest with yourself. And then should you choose to engage someone to help you along and really get realistic and held accountable and have a plan in order for you to close the gaps, well, then you can take those next steps. Right now, all I want you to be focusing on is how you can self-coach and self-aware yourself. To the point of knowing exactly what you need to be doing and what gaps you need to be closing. But here's what shaky looks like in case you're not convinced. It looks like a leader who performs brilliantly in high visibility moments and then quietly unravels in the everyday ones. It looks like someone who manages up brilliantly but can't quite earn the deep trust of their team. It looks like a person who knows all the right things to say about leadership and still feels like they're faking it on inside. Raise your hand if that's you. I know it was me for many years. When I got fired, I thought the company was the problem. I thought it was politics. I thought it was timing, a personality conflict with the wrong person. It took me a long time and a lot of honest work to see what actually was true. I had built my entire leadership identity on external validation, on what I did, on what I produced, on whether the people around me approved of me. And when all that was stripped away, I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I stood for. I didn't know what I needed to do next. Now, that's not a career problem. That is an identity problem. And it was costing me and the people I led far more than I ever understood at the time. But here's what I've learned since. The leaders who sustain their impact, the ones who lead well under pressure, the ones who earn genuine trust, who grow over decades instead of burning out. They are not the smartest. They are not the most talented. They are the ones who know who they are clearly, honestly, and without the title doing the work for them. So here's your coaching question for this episode, and I want you to actually answer it on paper and pen. Who are you as a leader when no one is watching? Not what you do, not your title, not your resume, not your results. Who are you? If you can answer that clearly, confidently, and with your own words without reaching for your resume, then you are far ahead of many of the leaders that I've met. If you hesitated or it pulled you towards your resume, your accomplishments, your titles, or what other people think, well, that's your starting point. That's not a problem. That's the most honest and most useful thing that you've discovered today. And that's exactly what this series is going to help you address. Let me give you an example and make this more concrete. I had a client, I'm gonna call her Dana. She was a senior director at a Fortune 500 company. She was sharp, driven, respected by everyone who worked with her. On paper, she was doing everything right. She was that high producer, that revenue generator, that massive task executor. When she came to me, she had just gotten passed over for a VP position she was absolutely qualified for. She was convinced it was internal politics. And maybe it was, but when we sat down with her diagnostic and I asked her the identity question, that is when for the first time she went absolutely dead quiet. You could hear a pin drop. She said, I don't know how to answer that. I've never been asked that. I've never even considered it or given it a second thought. Well, that told me a lot. It told me that her whole leadership identity had been centered on her job title, on her completion rate, on her production. And what we discovered is that she was a high-performing executor with a leadership title. And at the VP level, that's not good enough. The organization needed someone that could lead with vision, with presence, have a point of view, develop their people, not just someone who delivers results. She didn't need more skills. She needed to know who she was and what she stood for. So we spent 6 months building that foundation, and within 18 months she had the VP role. Yes, it was at a different company, on her own terms, with a level of clarity and confidence that she had never had before. That is what we're looking for. That's what I want for you. The diagnostic showed her where she was. The identity question answered why, and the work that we did closed that gap between where she was and why. And this is the arc of this whole entire series. This is the arc that this series was designed around, yet without the price tag of private coaching. So I really want you to lean into all 5 episodes and live this coaching experience so you have an opportunity to self-identify for yourself where you are today and where you want to be. Now here is your I dare you challenge. And I mean this literally. First, I'm going to remind you again, download the leadership diagnostic, tiny.cc/leadershipgapdiagnostic. Make sure that you answer the identity question in writing, put it pen to paper in writing, and answer the 3 questions at the end, the reflection questions. They'll also provoke a lot of thought, maybe get you very uncomfortable. At the same time, it'll really build a foundation for what the following episodes will be addressing for you. And third, be sure that you're looking at those two Spotlight scores and really look for the connection between those two scores and the ultimate question that we asked today about who you are as a leader when no one's watching. And answer that question based on those scores. Because in my experience, there's almost always a connection between how you're scoring yourself and your ability to answer that question. Because what gets named gets addressed. So name it. It's just for you. You don't need to share it with anyone unless you choose to. So look at your scores connected to the ultimate question about the leader that you are. Answer that identity question and see where the connections are. As we wrap up, here's what I really want you to take away from today. I want you to understand that your leadership identity is not a soft concept. It's not a luxury item you get to when everything else is running smoothly because we all know there's rarely a day that things run smoothly or slows down or the workload gets lightened. It is the foundation your entire effectiveness as a leader is built on. And if you don't know who you are when your title, the team, the applause, and the pressure are all stacked against you, you will keep performing leadership instead of living it. So you now have your opening question. You have your two spotlight scores. And once you download the diagnostic, you will have your full baseline for the entire series. And lastly, commit to this self-coaching work and block out the next 4 sessions every other week so you can see the series through and get the clarity and transformation that you want and need. The series episodes are released every other Tuesday and are available at ballofirecoaching.com/podcast and on our Shed the Corporate Bitch TV YouTube channel. Be sure to subscribe and follow us on any of your podcast streaming services or on our Shed the Corporate Bitch TV YouTube channel. To give you a preview of our next episode, we're going deeper. The question that you're going to be considering is, what are you avoiding that's quietly costing you everything? Pull out your diagnostic before you hit play because you're going to need it. For our regular listeners, you may notice that the series is built on the foundation of our Shift to Riches Formula, and it's outlined in episode 496 titled I Got Fired So You Could Lead. You can check that out at ballofirecoaching.com/podcast. Until then, I'll say keep leading, keep growing, and keep shedding everything that's holding you back from being the powerhouse leader you're meant to be. I'm Bernadette Boas, and I look forward to having you for the next episode.

Bye. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Shedding the Corporate Bitch. Don't miss any of our weekly episodes. Subscribe to our podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you love to listen. And for those who thrive on visual content, catch us on our Shedding the Bitch YouTube channel. Wanna dive deeper with Bernadette on becoming a powerhouse leader? Visit balloffirecoaching.com to learn more about how she helps professionals, HR executives, and team leaders elevate overall team performance. You've been listening to Shedding the Corporate Bitch with Bernadette Boas. Until next time, keep shedding, keep growing, and keep leading.