Why Do You Care What Others Think? Shed the EGO!

BlogTalkRadio. Hello and welcome to Shedding the Bitch Radio, where you can discuss, debate, and get advice on how to discover and shed the bitches of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and negative mindsets so you can realize your dreams and life purpose and create and accelerate the riches you want in life. Join us here live every Tuesday at noon Eastern and dialogue with us at 818-572-2910. You can also chat with us at BlogTalkRadio.com/SheddingtheBitch or share your stories on our website at sheddingthebitch.com. Whatever the bitch is that's holding you back from living your life to the fullest, it's not worth giving up the riches in life that you deserve. So call in now and let Bernadette Boas know what's holding you back. 818-572-2910.

Good day, good day, good day everyone. How are you? On what appears to be a beautiful day for most of the country despite all the storms that have been moving through. So, uh, Deborah was saying that her— she, she's out in California— is overcast and rainy, um, but certainly a great change from all the misery that's been crossing the country from west to east. And hopefully the rest of the country has kind of calmed down as well from, oh, the heartbreaking tornadoes, the No, it's April. It's April. Actually, it's almost May. So what is it doing? But hopefully you are— it is beautiful wherever you might be around the, around the world actually. And I know a couple of my friends just went off to back home for a vacation to New Zealand. So they'll be listening in, but we love our international community. So hopefully you all are having a good morning, noon, or night, whether you're listening live or you've downloaded us. I noticed, and I actually meant to talk to Deborah about it, I was getting very excited because as opposed to downloads from BlogTalk, for instance, and therefore the listens from BlogTalk, I also have just started seeing the stream, the streaming that we're getting across the platforms, and it's very, very, very exciting. And I want to thank all of you for that because it makes a major difference when you're able to get access to these type of conversations and these type of shows regardless of who you listen to, you know, across multiple platforms. So thank you very much for that. We love our Shade in the Bitch community, and whether it's your first time listening or you've been with us for the number of years we've been on We love you and thank you for that. I'm kind of struggling with some heartbreak as well, as many, many, many, many of you probably are as well, as it pertains to the Notre Dame Cathedral fire. Just absolutely, absolutely heartbreaking. I, you know, I don't preach it, but those of you know I am Catholic, Roman Catholic. I guess my family would categorize us. And I hold my faith very close to my heart. I have been to Notre Dame. It was a special place also for my parents. They also actually went to the Vatican in Italy and met the Pope at the time. So it's just heartbreaking, heartbreaking, heartbreaking to think, you know, of the destruction that the cathedral has taken. And possibly the, the artifacts and the relics that have been lost, especially because the fact that it is Holy Week. And so leading up to many, many millions and millions of people, whether it's visiting there, because it is the number one tourist attraction in the world, or maybe it's in Paris. I'm gonna have to look this up again. I apologize because there was this conversation about the fact that it's Eiffel Tower people were expecting that that was the number one, um, visitor's place, but then they said no, it's Notre Dame Cathedral. So I'm thinking it is, uh, France, uh, that they were— that they were talking about. I will find that out and get it, um, get it correct, let's say. Um, but it's just heartbreaking. Uh, it is Holy Week, it is leading up to Easter, it's actually also leading up to Passover, happens to be coinciding the same weekend. A lot of times it's not, but this weekend Passover starts as well. So happy Passover to all my Jewish friends and Jewish community. Majority of my best friends are Jewish. I, I've participated in many Passover dinners, have gone to not a lot but several synagogues for their service. So it is a holy week, and it's just heartbreaking to think that other— apart from the Vatican, a central symbol of Catholicism has been burning. And fortunately, knock on wood, there were many relics that were saved, many pieces of art. The Crown of Thrones— or Crown of Thorns— the Crown of Thorns, I'm thinking of Game of Thrones, the Crown of Thorns that they actually did salvage. And of course, now what's, you know, there's always a blessing in disguise. There are many, many, many benefits that they're talking about coming out of this, and that being because it is Holy Week, and they expect that a good number of people who have kind of gone away from the church or strayed from the church will probably be pulled back in, especially with it being Easter weekend. And they're expecting that the crowds for Easter Mass will be record-breaking, and maybe they will just find their way back to the Catholic Church, who, you know, we all know have been through some major trauma, tragedies, heartbreak in itself. With all of the scandals that have been going on in the Catholic Church. I have maintained my faith. I certainly don't agree with what's going on there. I certainly voice my, my, my opinions and my thoughts and my experiences in that regard, but certainly hold, hold it very close to my heart, the overall Catholic faith. So hopefully whatever religion, spirituality, faith you follow, hopefully you'll have a blessed, blessed week as well. And just continue to say prayers for everyone who hold the cathedral in their hearts, and for the Parisians who obviously it's kind of a central core to their, to their lives and their lifestyle. So prayers to everyone, and to all the firefighters and first responders that have helped to salvage as much as they can from that just absolutely devastating, devastating, shocking— you just kind of stood there watching it thinking that it wasn't really happening, that it was a movie or something, and then to realize that it is actually happening. All right, enough said about that. We're going to get on a on a high note in regards to our conversation today, which if you've noticed since the beginning of the year mostly that I haven't really been planning out our conversations. And the reason is because I was realizing that a lot of them were coming up from my own stuff. They were coming up from my own inner reflection and introspection and my own experiences and my own highs and lows. Since the beginning of the year, and we kicked it off with my whole being stuck type of mood I was in for a good number of weeks. But then I also realized that not only myself but my friends in my community, including the Shedding the Bitch community, were also bringing things to me that they were experiencing that I thought were just great opportunities for conversation and sharing with all of you. And this conversation today was one of them, and it's all about why you, why we, why I care about what others think and what impact does that have on our lives when we're so consumed with what other people think and other people's perceptions and other people's feelings toward us and approval of us. And it really stemmed from a conversation I had with a friend who's probably listening, uh, because I kind of, um, suggested to her that I was going to be making our conversation the other day, uh, the conversation for all of you. Because this woman, she's just an absolute doll, but she's extremely hard on herself, extremely hard on herself. And when I say hard on herself, I'm not talking like myself, who's a perfectionist, and I've learned recently through my pickleball playing that I'm really hard on myself still, you know, even from a competitive perspective, not because I want to win against the other person, but I'm trying to win against myself now. And yet she, which I will keep her name nameless simply because there's a lot of them in my community and I don't want to them to think that I might be talking about them. But I was having a conversation with her, and she was kind of beating herself up. Uh, of the pickleball players in our, in our group, uh, she is the— I'll call youngest as far as how long she's been playing. She is certainly not the weakest player at all. Yet is there things that she, you know, needs to learn and wants To learn? Absolutely. There are things I need to still learn and there are things that even the best of players still need to learn and improve on. But she tends to take it out on herself and beats herself up about it, about the fact that she is not as strong, not as fast, not as able, not as efficient, not as good as everybody else. And I said to her, actually, it was just yesterday afternoon. I said, who gives a shit what everybody else thinks? First off, none of us are thinking it. None of us are saying it. None of us are saying, oh, we don't want to play with her because, you know, she'll pull our game down. None of us are doing that. Only you are doing that. And that's what really made me think about the fact that A lot of you do that to yourself. I won't throw myself into that, that group anymore because— and that's what I'll share with you today— is because I had gotten to a point where I just really, I really don't care what anybody else thinks. I really don't care what anybody else says about me. I don't care what they post about me. I don't care whether they agree or disagree with what I'm doing. And trust me, I have a lot of not only haters but judgers and people, opinionators in my life. So I just thought I would kind of share with you not only my perspective on it, but some things that I obviously research and I obviously read up on and I embed in my own coaching practice, but I also embed in my own everyday life. And I thought it's important because This idea of being consumed with other— what other people think of you versus being consumed with what you think of you, it is debilitating. It is life-altering. It is dream-defeating. It is everything, um, uh, you know, about what you should not be doing if you really want to live and experience a full, happy, joyful, peaceful, satisfying, adventurous lovemaking type of life. And, uh, so that will be what our discussion is today. Uh, if you've missed our episodes recently or in the past, but recently we've talked about procrastination and how that absolutely sucks and how it actually sucks, um, all of your momentum, energy, confidence, motivation, and achievement, and how to get on, you know, kind of out of that procrastination place. We had an Ask Me Anything episode, which is our first Tuesday of every month. I take your stories, questions, and challenges, whether it be about your career, whether it be about your business or your life,, and I try to give you, um, advice, tips, sometimes tough love that can help you move forward, uh, from that situation you might be in. Uh, and we talked, uh, pretty— I think it was, uh, uh, I'm drawing a blank right now. All Business, um, we talked about, um, oh, I am drawing an absolute blank and I didn't put it down on my piece of paper. All right, so you're gonna have to go and listen to it. I'll just I'll tell you right up front, I drew a complete blank and I thought, "No, I'm going to remember it so I don't need to write it down." So go to our Ask Bernadette. It was great questions from you and I receive your questions predominantly from LinkedIn and/or directly to me and you can always reach out to me directly at BernadetteBoas@sheddingthebitch.com. Go to LinkedIn, my Bernadette Boas and send me a private message. You can go to our Facebook and Twitter Shedding the Bitch page, do it there. You can certainly reach out to us on our blog at sheddingthebitch.com. And what we'll do is I will give you and get back to you as quickly as you kind of post it or reach out to me, at least within by the end of the day, if not by the next morning. But I'll also bring it here to the Ask Me Anything episode, which is the first Tuesday of every month, and drill into it further than you can on a post or a tweet or even an email. And you have an opportunity as well to come onto the program and even talk to me about it, should you choose to. If you choose to come on and don't want to share your name, that's your option as well. I just— and Deborah and the community wants to just provide you with a safe and a supportive and collaborative community to where you can get the support that you need to create the riches in life that you deserve. So go back to that. And then we also had a great episode that get— that has been getting a lot of traction about regrets, or no regrets, and how to kind of get over regretting the past, living in the present, and not worrying about the future. So you can go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio, find all of our episodes there. You can go to iTunes and find all of our episodes there. You can go to Apple Podcasts and find all of our episodes there as well. And of course, you can go to sheddingthebitch.com. On our homepage, you can kind of scroll down, see the radio button, and and find our, you know, number of years of episodes out there as well. All right. All right, so we are going to talk about why we care about what other people think. So I want to leave you, before we take a break, I want to leave you thinking about something, and we call these our rich questions, and we give you a rich question to kind of plant yourself and set a foundation for this conversation. And what I hope is that you will have found some truth, found some self-awareness, found some authentic transparency in your own world about whatever topic it is that we're thinking about and talking about because Self-awareness is key to any, any opportunity for shifting your life to riches. All right, so your rich question regarding this conversation is actually a scaling. So I want you to think about and be honest with yourself. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being I am consumed and it's wreaking havoc on my life, and with what other people think, or a 10 where I really don't give a crap of what other people think. So where do you fit in there? And don't put yourself in a 5. Don't put yourself in a— you know, be hard on yourself. If even if you wallow between, well, I care but I don't care, you know, it depends upon the person, situation, you know, don't put yourself as 5. Either put yourself and be okay with the fact that you do care what other people think Or put yourself in a place where, you know what, I don't. Though there are situations, and we're going to talk about the appropriate times and places when it is important to care what other people think. But be truthful, be hard on yourself because that self-awareness will help you say, okay, I don't want to be a 3, I want to be a 5. I don't want to be a 5 or— I don't want you to put 5. I don't want to be a 6, I want to be a 7. I don't expect you to go from a 3 to a 7. I don't expect you to go from a, you know, a 6 to a 10.

We're—

this is all about making small steps, but small steps that will lead, and in this case around this subject about caring what other people think, this is a transformative place to be and space to really focus on. And trust me when I say it can change your life if you stop worrying about what other people think. All right, we're going to take a break. When we get back, we'll dive into this conversation. We'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity so they can create the riches in their career the career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette Boas' book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to ngtaxsolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at mediarelations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/shuttingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. Today we are having a conversation regarding why you care so much about what other people think of you. And I asked you to consider for our rich question, for your rich question today, to scale yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being that you're consumed with how, what other people think of you, to 10 you don't really give a shit what other people think. And I asked you to put yourself on that scale and I asked you to not put yourself at a 5. We all kind of go between the two, and even I do, even though I say I don't give a shit and I put myself at a 10. I'm going to talk to you about times when it is appropriate for you to care about what other people think, and that's where I'm at. Okay, so have that scale number in mind, and like I said, be hard on yourself. If you wallow between the two, again, don't put yourself at a 5. Where do you wallow, you know, more mostly? Is it a 3 or a 4? Is it a 6 or a 7? Again, we all do, and it's just a matter of really being hard on yourself so you can then, when you make those shifts, you feel, feel them in every, you know, cell of your body. And I kind of, you know, said earlier it is transformative when you let go and you stop worrying about what other people think. And why is that? Well, Lao Tzu has a famous quote that touches on this, and it's one that— there's a couple that I'm going to talk about throughout this program, but there's this one I read a long time ago, uh, probably even before, in the midst of understanding like, how do I let go of, of caring what other people think of me? Um, and I didn't know what it meant, and I didn't know how to use it. And then as I really did start working on myself and start shedding the bitches within me, um, I would continue looking at this quote, and all of a sudden it started making sense. And the degree of which it made sense, you know, certainly has changed over time. And like I said, this isn't going to happen, you know, you're not going to go from a 3 to a 10. You're not going to go from a 3 to a 5 very quickly. It's just one step at a time. All right. So here's his quote: Care about what others think and you will always be a prisoner. Care about what others think and you will always be a prisoner. Now, what are you a prisoner of? You're a prisoner to everyone else. You're a prisoner to what everyone else thinks and believes and wants and needs. You're, you know, you're a prisoner to everyone else but yourself. And for me, my prison looked like, and I'll be just flat-out honest with you, my prison looked like that from the moment I got up in the morning to the moment I put my head down on the pillow, I was always thinking one step ahead as to what I needed to do to shift to make sure that I looked the part, I spoke the part, I acted the part, I was the part, of what everybody else wanted. And it, it wasn't even people that I cared about. For instance, if you have parents who want you to be something or somebody or an occupation or, or, you know, schooling or whatever the case might be, that's one thing. It's your parents. Although, you know, we're going to talk about the fact that you really have to, uh, stop caring what they think. But I was doing it with not only my peers or my colleagues or my friends. I was doing it to complete strangers in the street who would walk by me as I strutted down, you know, Park Avenue in New York or strutted into the office or into a client site. I was consumed with what the person in the next car thought of me when I would be sitting at a light and I'm in my fancy expensive car and I'm all dolled up, or I have, you know, an attitude on my, you know, a scowl on my face because I thought that that was cool and impressive. I mean, I just was consumed every moment of every day, not every minute of every day, not every hour of every day. I was consumed every moment of every day what the world thought of me. And trust me, when he— when I saw that word prisoner, and at first I laughed and scoffed at it, because I didn't understand it. And then as I started to, you know, like I said, shed and started to kind of let go, it started making more and more sense to where, to the point where I actually started feeling as if I was suffocating because I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, that's so right, that's so true, oh my God. And I would like almost physically, literally hyperventilate. And I can go back to those episodes as if they were yesterday. And I would say that they were, at this point, it's 2019, at this point it was like 2009, '10, '11, through those years where I was just really kind of coming face to face with how much I allowed what other people thought of me to just hold me prisoner. Now, why is that? I mean, why would anyone—

you—

live— and maybe you're not to the extreme of me, you know, maybe you weren't to the extreme where, you know, you thought as you're, you know, sitting there— and the thing about the stoplight, you know, is just so vivid to me. And it was a stoplight to where I was, you know, thinking that everybody around me was checking my car out, was checking me out, and You know, and then I made a left-hand turn. I'll never forget this. I made a left-hand turn to get on the ramp onto 400 South from Ashford-Dunwoody. And I'm sitting there and I happen to look over to make sure I wasn't about to hit that car that's coming with me. And he happened to look over at me and I'm thinking he's checking me out and oh my gosh, I need to kind of like, you know. But then there was other times where I was like wanting them to, I was pissed off at them because they were moving too slow or too fast or they were, you know, about to cut me off or whatever the case might be, and I really wanted to make sure that they felt what I was experiencing. And, you know, I was going to control this situation because— and we'll talk about this in a minute— because, you know, when you're worried about what other people think, you're either seeking approval or you are trying to control the outcome. And so I was bouncing between these two. I was always wanting approval, wanting to fit in. I was also wanting to control what other people thought of me. So think about that. Think about, you know, if you put yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, you put yourself at a 3 or 4, maybe even a 5 or a 6, not a 5, but even a 6, think about those situations and those encounters or those times where you are concerned about what other people think and ask yourself, do I care because I'm seeking their approval or do I care because I want to control how they perceive me, how they accept me, how they evaluate or judge me. Think about those two. And I was to the point where it was just absolutely exasperating. You kind of go back and try to put yourself in your body, your shoes, that experience, and just feel the emotion. And that— because that's the best way to kind of really kind of sit in your truth, as they say, about where you fall on that scale and where you, you know, are consumed by seeking approval or trying to control the outcome. And we do this for, you know, it's actually, it's ingrained in us environmentally, societally, biologically. It goes back to the very beginning of man, just from a survival perspective. But let's like, you know, move centuries and centuries forward and even move to, you know, your generation, your lifetime, maybe your parents' lifetime. It is, you know, important for us to feel accepted and to feel fit, that we fit in. We don't want to be left behind. We don't want to be the last one picked on a team. You know, which is what my friend was experiencing. She didn't want to be the last one picked for a team, so she just kind of discounted herself first, and that's that controlling the outcome. I lived in that. If I felt that I needed— that something wasn't going to go my way, then I projected it, and I kind of played devil's advocate with it, and I made it to be worse than it was because then it didn't feel as bad. So, you know, kind of try to feel that. We all, you know, like I said, we want to be accepted. We want people to be proud of us and, you know, definitely our parents, but even, you know, our bosses, even our friends to a degree and our siblings. We want them to be proud of what we do and who we are and what our achievements are. But if we're so consumed about what they, you know, feel about it, how they judge it, whether they are proud or not, We have totally discounted what we're after, and that, that there's pride and that there's accomplishment and that there's value, because that only comes from internal. It doesn't come from external. They, they can shower you with, you know, all the accolades, all the rewards, all the, you know, medals, all the the money, the promotions, the status, the symbols of houses and cars and bank accounts. They can do all that and you, you know, you might still feel empty. You might still feel ugly. You might still feel not good enough. You might still feel like a fraud. So what we need to do, what you need to work on, is peeling back and letting go of all of those external forces and external factors so you can then feel good in your skin, which will have everyone loving the skin that you're in. I hope that makes sense. So, you know, we— it's very, um, uh, not natural. It's totally unnatural, but it's very understanding that any of us would fall into wanting to be accepted, to fit in, to not be left behind, not to disappoint, you know, to have people proud of us, to be accepted. But at the same time, if we're not— what we have to focus on is that if we're not all of those things to ourselves, then how can anybody else be that way as well? Now I will actually, now that I'm looking across the room, I will actually have to disclose where I might have fallen into the pride, the proud, not the pride, but the proud thing. So I'm looking across the room at a medal. This past weekend, Friday, I participated in a pickleball tournament. I've been playing a lot of pickleball, and for those of you who listen to the program, I've mentioned it before. So I went down on my own to this tournament that was about an hour south of me in Atlanta, and I played singles, um, at this tournament, and I happened to come in third. Uh, so I got up on a podium, I got a medal wrapped around my, my neck, which, you know, it's been decades from probably high school if, uh, no, no, no, it's been a couple, maybe one decade since, um, I ran half marathons and that kind of thing. But I was so proud of myself because this was something I did for myself, um, the whole pickleball thing. And I did it to, you know, not only health and to lose weight, but I did it because I really wanted to kind of— I, I wanted to take on a challenge of learning a new sport that I didn't know, um, in, you know, and, and see if I can achieve it. And plus there was a social element to it and all that kind of good stuff. But I did find myself, I have a large family, 11 brothers and sisters as you know, and but there's one, and I won't mention who it is because I don't want anybody else who might be listening to be offended, but there is one that I do look to because they're not opinion of me, but I, I, maybe it is. I maybe I have to do some self-reflection here as well. But because I just, I wanted them to know. And so I had shot a note to everybody. I shot a note to my siblings and let them know of it. And I heard from everybody except this person. And I was kind of curious. I didn't take it personally because I, I knew that they were away and that they were on a trip over the weekend. Weekend. But I did, I found myself shooting them a note over the weekend, another text, and they replied back going, "Yes, I did. You know, it was fabulous." And so I had to stop myself, especially as I was looking across the room at this medal realizing, you know what, boy, I haven't done that in a really long time. But here I was, I was speaking their not approval, but their pride, you know, and their impression, I guess. And so now that I think about it, we still all, even when we feel we're at a 9 or a 10, we all, you know, at times will have this experience of wanting to, or caring about what other people think. But we need to find ways to help those that it's consuming. If you're falling on a scale certainly of 6 and below, I'm not mentioning that middle road, but 6 and below, we certainly want to give you tips and advice to help you kind of just let go and not care. Again, not to move to a 10, but just to start moving up the ladder. If you're in the 7, 8, 9, and 10, as I just pointed out for myself and disclosed and actually just discovered as I'm having this conversation with you and I'm looking across the room, We all still need, you know, to improve. We need to work. It's like any muscle. It's like any activity. It's like any experience that we have. If we want to, you know, evolve and to grow, which we want to do until we're 10 feet under, then we need to always be self-aware, be okay with that awareness whether it hurts or not, and or whether it's kind of shocking or not, as I just experienced. And we need to be okay with it and just say, okay, I find myself falling back into this, and I wonder why that is, and therefore this is the change I'm going to make. Now, it doesn't mean— and I want to make sure I say this— it doesn't mean that you never go and you're proud of yourself, so you want others to be, you know, to know about it and even be proud of you. But it's first important to say, am I doing this for me, or am I doing it for other people? And if you're doing it for yourself, okay, great. If you're doing it for other people, that's where you want to kind of, you know, kind of have a second look at the fact that am I doing this for their approval, or am I doing it to control the outcome, or am I doing it just simply because I'm so proud of myself I want others, you know, to know. So you just need to weigh it. Ego— this is all about ego, and there's good ego and there's bad ego, and we're looking for the good ego and, and trying to improve on the bad part of the ego that causes us to seek other people's impressions of us. All right, wow, time has flown blown. We're gonna take a quick break, and when we get back, I'm gonna give you some tips and advice and maybe some tough love in regards to just what you can do about letting go and not really giving a crap about what other people think.

We'll be right back.

You are listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. We are inspiring individuals around the globe to discover, confront, and shed their bitches of fear, insecurity, and negativity. So they can create the riches in their career, business, and life they deserve. Be sure to check out Bernadette's book, Shedding the Corporate Bitch: Shifting from Bitch to Rich in Life and Business, available on Amazon and sheddingthebitch.com. We also want to thank our sponsors, North Georgia Tax Solutions, who offers a broad range of tax services for small to corporate-sized clients. Go to ngtaxsolutions.com. Tg-taxsolutions.com to learn more. And Parker House Virtual Services, who provides virtual assistance and social media support for small to medium-sized businesses. Email Deborah Parker at deborahparker.va@gmail.com for more information. To become a sponsor or advertiser on our program, email us at media-relations@sheddingthebitch.com. Shedding the Bitch Radio airs every Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Be sure to go to blogtalkradio.com/sheddingthebitchradio and follow the program for all of the updates and announcements of our guests and show topics. Now let's return to Bernadette and Shedding the Bitch Radio.

Welcome back everyone. We are talking about shedding the caring bitch, let's call it. The self— the perceptions from others as opposed to ensuring that you're just concerned about what you think and feel and value yourself. This can be if someone asks, well, what does this really look like though? If I'm not really aware, like all of a sudden I look across the room and I see this metal and I remember what I just I did with my sister. Oh, well, there you go. I knew that wouldn't last long. But what impacts, what does it look like when you're just caring about what other people think versus yourself? Well, it could be if you ever, if you or someone you know is a people pleaser. They're certainly caring more about what other people think than themselves because they're trying to please them all the time. And, you know, I have a number of friends that fall into this category, you know, those that will treat you, you know, when there's absolutely no reason to treat you to dinner or even to buy you a soda, or, or they're trying to take care of you when you can take care of yourself. So, you know, that, that friend who, you know, granted, if you are sick and you're not hiding your pride for asking for help, but they overdo it. They kind of force themselves, they put themselves into your world to take care of you. They're trying to also please you, and they care about what you think of them, um, and/or if you do it to other people. If you overshare, and you overshare because you want other people to be impressed or to, uh, be okay or to approve what it is that you're doing or feeling or thinking. Uh, it— but at the same time, you could be putting yourself into dangerous situations if you care too much about what other people think. You're that person who, you know, could be get into a relationship and you're just, you know, giving yourself up and doing whatever it is that your— the other partner wants you to do. Um, that could put you into, you know, situations like sexting or or other physical encounters that you're not really comfortable with. You give all of a sudden, if you're one that falls into peer pressure or that you put peer pressure on other people, so you're all of a sudden doing what the cool kids are doing. So you're smoking or drinking or doing drugs or whatever the case might be. You're taking risks that you normally wouldn't take because you care about what other people think and therefore you don't want to come off as the wussy or, or the prude. I'll never forget in high school being called a prude because I wouldn't sleep with this jackass of a guy, and you know, and it had nothing to do with the fact of whether or not, you know, I was a virgin or wasn't a virgin or wanted to be a virgin or didn't want to be a virgin. It simply had to do with the fact that I didn't want to with him, and yet he didn't take that kindly and in front of a party full of people just basically called me out as a prude. Well, you know what, I didn't really care. I wasn't giving in. There's a degree of confidence which we'll talk about all that. And the one big, big, big, big thing and social media has exasperated it is you care about what other people think so all of a sudden you're kind of skewing your values and your core beliefs, and you're judging and hating and spewing when you actually wouldn't be. You know, people use social media, people use computers and phones to hide, you know, behind a mask, to hide behind a persona that's not truly that individual. And all of a sudden, the next thing you know, they're judging and, and, and, um hating when, you know, if they think about it, that's not who they really are. So there are some definitely personalities and behaviors that people take on and masks that people take on, but there's also some really negative, negative impacts. And the biggest negative impact is just that you're not living who you are. You're not living you. You're not being you. You're not experiencing life as you. You're doing it through the eyes and the mirrors of everyone else around you. So it comes from fear, it comes from a place of insecurity and low self-worth and all the bitches that we talk about on a regular basis. But without kind of belaboring all of that, because you know, you know when you're not living your true self, you know the reasons why. You may not be confronting them and, you know, and shedding them for numerous reasons, but you know why. And if you just spend some time digging and really trying to understand why that is, then you will break the cycle. You will break the chain of those behaviors and those belief systems that you are just simply masking yourself, masking your true self for, you know, number of reasons that you, that you have. But if you really want to find happiness and peace and joy and love and self-love, then you have to be happy and peace— be at peace and joy and love and self-love. And that sounds contradictory. Well, if you're— if you want it, then I'm obviously not being it. So, and it's hard to be it. And this is where my— one of my favorite sayings in the world comes from, and that's fake it till you make it. And so many people will scowl at me for that, but I, I, I remember having this up, up, um, on my, um, office when I was in my like early 20s, like 22, and I had, you know, fake it till you make it. 'Cause I truly believe that you can. You know, you can put a smile on when you're not really feeling great, and that smile when you see somebody else smile at you— because they're going to. You smile, someone else is going to smile. And when they smile back, that's going to make you feel better because you can't feel hate and judgment and low self-worth when someone and/or you are happy and joyful and at peace and, in this case, smiling. It just— you just can't. So faking it till you make it is not a bad strategy to take on. Okay, so that's kind of my first thing. But that other big saying that I told you at the top of the hour that I also love, and when I came across it, it did not make sense to me at all, and then over time it became to make sense to me, and that is— hold on, I gotta find it— you would be surprised how little other people think of you. You'd be surprised about how little other people think of you. We are so self-consumed about what other people think of us. It is shocking to realize that they really aren't thinking about us. So when we go and we screw up, let's say, a job interview, trust me when I say, yeah, they may have thought for 2 seconds, okay, that was a bad interview, and then they put your paper on the side. And they moved on. Say you went into your boss and you pitched, you know, and fought for a new job or a new promotion or a new project, whatever the case might be, and you really just flubbed it. You just really screwed up. Well, trust me when I say the minute you walked out the door, they were on to something else. You know, that little, you know, thing that you're consuming yourself with, they've moved on from. Already. Say you made a really big screw-up in your, in your life or at work. Uh, trust me when I say yes, it, you know, something can be really detrimental or even painful, and yet at the same time, they're, they're not spending nearly a fraction of the time that you are thinking or worrying about it. They're looking for solutions. Maybe they're going out and trying to you know, fix it. But after that, you'd be surprised. When I was sitting in that, in, you know, in my car at that light, and I was looking out over at the guy in the car next to me, trust me when I say they weren't— they didn't even see me, let alone think about me, good, bad, or indifferent. And yet there I was, you know, consumed with it. So that's another thing to really think about, that you, you know, put it on a piece of paper. You would be surprised how little other people think of you. Now that's not a detriment because at first I was thinking, well, that's not good, I want them to be thinking of me. So that's not what it's about. It's about the fact that we are so self-consumed about what other people think. You'd be surprised how little they actually do. Because they don't. They live in their own world. They live in their own head. They live in their own ego. Um, that you are just a— you're just a nit. And I don't care if it's your, you know, your parent or your sibling or your spouse or your friend or your co-worker or your boss. You're just a piece. They are so self-consumed themselves of what they're thinking about. And yet you're fighting and pounding and killing yourself trying to impress them or trying to get their approval or trying to, you know, get them to like you and, you know, ask you to play on their team, that they, you know, that's just— you're just not that important to them. Now they could be those people, you know, such as parents. They could be— they, they're pounding you since you were, you know, one. That you have to get into a good school and you have to take a good occupation because you have to make a lot of money in order to have a good life, all that kind of good stuff. And yet you're on the other realm where you're like, I don't care if I ever make money, I just want to strum my guitar, I want to sing, or I want to draw, or I want to travel the world, or I want to work for myself. You know, yet you are, you know, you start skewing yourself because, well, this is what my parents want, this is what my parents want, this is what my parents want. The next thing you know you know, you're living someone else's life, you're not living your own, and you're miserable. And typically it takes absolute misery for someone to finally shake themselves out of it and, and kind of look up and say, oh my gosh. Um, I'm hoping to prevent you waiting that long by simply getting you to kind of sit and consider and evaluate and be honest and truthful with yourself and ask the hard questions and get yourself to just, you know, as I, you know, like I said, as I was sitting here and I looked across the room and I saw the medal hanging, hanging up, it was the only, actually it was the only place I had to put it, and I kind of just went, you know what, I did that with what's, you know, what's-her-name the other day. So I, you know, fall victim to it as well. It's just that scale. Are you a 3? Are you a 7? Are you a 4? Are you a, you know, 8? Are you— you might be a 5, but let's get you to, you know, to that 6, that kind of thing. So what can you do? Well, you can decide that this is your life and you want it to be your life. You don't want it to be other people's lives. So change the way you think, change the way you feel, change the way change your, you know, change or go back to your belief system. You know, write down, journal, spew. And I talk about this a lot, spew. You know, what it is that you want, what you don't want, you know, what you believe, what you don't believe, um, what you care about, what you don't care about. Get to know you. Get to know you, even if that's going back into the archives of your history in your life to find that, that individual again. That's okay. We all tend to lose ourselves along the way because the world wants us to be a certain thing. Our spouses, our siblings, they expect us to be, they think we are. I can't tell you, you know, I, I'm having a difficult time even 10 years later shaking the perceptions that close people in my life have of me from the bitch that I was to the person that I am today. I just have to accept that I am never going to change their opinion. I'm never going to change their perception no matter how many times I can demonstrate it and, and not purposely demonstrate it, but you know, no matter how many encounters I have with them and experiences I have with them and not only minutes but days, weeks at a time that I have with them, and I'm, and I'm not going to change their perception. It's not in my control. So remember that. Are you, you know, do you care about what other people think because you're seeking approval, or are you trying to control the outcome? I learned head-on I cannot control any outcome. You cannot control outcomes. You cannot control what other people think of you. So why not just be you? Why not just be you? All right, so try to work on really understanding what you believe, what you think, why you do the things that you do, why you say the things that you say, and find what it is that you want to do, what you want to believe in, what you want to say, uh, what you want to think, and just stay true to that. All right, the other thing too is you know what's right for you. Other people don't. They might think that they do. They might, in their best interest, with their biggest heart, think that they know what's best for you. But only you know what's best for you. Only you know what's best for you. So trust me when I say, maybe one person in my whole life wanted me to go out on my own, wanted me to sacrifice everything that I've been sacrificing, wanting me to, you know, almost lose my home to foreclosure and fighting tooth and nail to keep it and to save it. You know, no one wanted me to be, you know, eating peas, as I call it, you know, for those number of years. No one wanted me to be going off and writing, you know, books and movies about people I know and things that I've done, you know, but they're not— they're not living my life. They're not, you know, they're not me. And so I can't care about that. You can't care about that. They don't know you. And this is a really big thing that I want you to think about. Think about it truly. If you've lived any amount of time away from your family— brothers, sisters, parents— away from your spouse, partner. And I'm talking, when I say away, they didn't know you between one and when you met them. They didn't know what you encountered. They didn't know what you experienced. They didn't know what you did or didn't do. You might even feel that you've given them everything about you. And I can guarantee you there's something that you haven't told them or that you haven't shared with them or that you haven't even realized. Um, you know, no one really knows you other than you. And I experience this quite often, even with my siblings, especially with my parents, obviously. But I was extremely open, uh, the later years. With my parents, and I'm open with my siblings, but they still don't know, and they don't know me. They don't know. They don't live in my feet. They don't live in my shoes. They don't live in my body. They don't live in my head. They don't live in my heart. So I can't expect them, you know, to, and therefore I have to let that go, and therefore again controlling the outcomes. They don't know you, so why do you care? Now another big one is if you allow other people and other people's judgment and their perceptions of you to control you, to have power over you, to help to make your decisions, then you're hoping, I guess, that they're going to live through whatever that decision is, whatever that feeling is, whatever that experience is, whatever that, you know, outcome is, and yet they're not going to. They're not going to feel the pain of your decision. If you go down a track of being a lawyer when you actually want to be an artist, you know, they're not going to be there after, you know, feeling the pain and the void and the, you know, the misery that you might land up feeling because that decision that you made because of them. Only you are. So why would you take on pain and misery and heartache and, and lack of passion and lack of love, lack of self-love for other people. So you have to kind of really, you know, recognize the fact that, you know, this is your life. This is your life, and you, you can't be consumed by what other people think of it. And it's not their dreams either. They're your dreams. They're your dreams. I'm going to share my biggest lessons in an expanded blog post over the next couple of days from this conversation because I really think it's important. I really, truly, other than this first experience I've had in a very long time with my sibling, I really don't care what other people think of me, and it is so liberating. Not worrying about it. I'm just able to be me, and those people that want to be with me are with me, and those that don't, well, I can't— I can't help them, and you can't help them. So I hope you find it in your heart to go after what it is that you want, not worry about what other people think. Shed and let go of caring and just being you. Thanks everybody. I look forward to having you right back here next Tuesday at noon Eastern time, or anytime on Apple Podcasts, iTunes, sheddingthebitch.com, and BlogTalkRadio. Talk to you next week.

Bye.

Thank you for listening to Shedding the Bitch Radio with Bernadette Boas. Join Bernadette every Tuesday at noon Eastern as she helps you shift your bitches to riches. And the dialogue is always going on at sheddingthebitch.com. See you next week.