F.U.S.E: The Missing Piece Of Communication For Relationships

When conversations end before they even start, we don't have the opportunity to practice communication techniques. And at that moment, Fuse comes in. Good morning, sunshine. Welcome to the Faith and Growth podcast, the space where psychology and spirituality come together to help you rise into the person you were created to be. If you're ready to stop playing small and start living the life God designed for you, I got you. I'm Dr. Betsi Guerra, psychotherapist, speaker, and author, and I'm here to help you heal, rise, and walk boldly in your purpose. So if you're ready to do that, let's get started. Let's call them Tanya and Robert. They were a married couple who came to my office asking for better communication so that they can improve their relationship. And then they're telling me a story about that week in which the wife was doing the laundry and she was folding the underwear of the husband when the husband came in, and he started addressing her about a topic that was a little delicate and they didn't agree upon. And she was excited to implement the communication techniques that I had taught them. And she was. She was like, okay, I'm doing this. She's folding the underwear, and then suddenly there's underwear flying across the bedroom. What happened? The conversation ended before it even started. Sounds familiar. Are there people in your life that you just cannot talk to because they're so defensive or they're filtered? The process through which they interpret information is so clogged that no. What you say or do, they will never take it the right way, and they will always feel defensive or attacked. Sounds familiar. Okay, then, if that's the case, this episode is for you. I got you. I have been in practice for 25 years, and I have devoted most of that time to couples and relationship therapy because it's my passion. I believe in marriage wholeheartedly, so I protect the sanctity of marriage. But I also believe in family. And a lot of our issues in relationships are with people we love in our family. It could be a parent, it could be a sibling, it could be an in law. And I protect families. Families are the unit of society in the measure that we're able to build a beautiful home, a beautiful family, then we're going to be able to succeed in life, in society and help our children succeed in humanity as well. Today we're going to talk about how to deal with conversations that end before they even start. I'm going to go over a few communication techniques because they're always good to have, but this is going to go deeper because typically what happens is that if you cannot start the conversation because the other person was already defensive, then. Then you cannot incorporate the communication techniques. So I'm going to share a little bit, a few of the communication techniques that I like the most. But ultimately, we're going to talk about how to be able to begin conversations and communicate in a way that leads to fulfilling and healthy relationships. Okay, so a few of my communication techniques that I. The communication techniques that I love the most are. Number one, validation. Validation is when you help the other person feel as though his or her feelings matter. That's why it's validation. You validate their feelings. Now, you don't have to agree with their feelings, their perspective. Validation does not equal agreement. You can think they're super crazy. You can think that person's being irrational. You can think all of it. Because validation is just about considering that the person in front of you matters. He or she is important. And his or her feelings are important, too, because they're theirs. And in last week's episode, we talked about humility and accountability. And if you come from a place of humility, from seeking to understand, then being able to put yourself in that person's shoes and validate his or her feelings, regardless of how irrational they may be, is a way of letting them know, I see you. I hear you. You matter. Your feelings matter. Even if they're crazy. Don't say that last part. Just think it. So that's validation. When we invalidate the opposite of validation when we say, like, that's not true. That's not what happened. Like, even if that's what we think we convey, it's a form of disrespect. We convey, like, lack of. Almost lack of love. Like, the person who feels invalidated feels unloved. When I realized what a big deal that was because I remember doing. I remember invalidating my children and being like, no, that's not true. Like, oh, get over it. Oh, my gosh, you're being dramatic. I remember my husband doing the same with me. But it's our feelings, and they're crazy. Sometimes they're irrational. Right? They're not rational. So validation is just seeing the person you have in front of you and considering that his or her feelings matter. They're valid even if they're crazy. Number two, Paraphrasing is another one of my favorites. Paraphrasing is when you repeat what the other person told you in your own words based on how you understood it. So if my husband tells me, oh, this fish is salty, and I heard you suck. As a chef or as a cook, you should never cook again. I can tell him like, so are you telling me that I'm a bad chef? Are you telling me that I'm a bad cook? That I don't know how to cook? If I paraphrase what I heard in my own words, it gives him the opportunity to know what I understood and then clarify. So if he says, like, oh, this fish is salty, I. And I take it personally, and I get defensive and I tell him I paraphrase it. I'm like, so are you saying that I'm not a good cook? That I don't know how to cook? Then now he knows what I understood, even though it's not what he conveyed. And now he has an opportunity to tell me, like, no, baby, you know I love your food. It's just that this fish in particular is a little salty. No biggie, right? So paraphrasing is repeating what the other person said in your own words so that you may convey your interpretation and give them the. The opportunity to clarify if what you interpreted was in the message that they intended to convey. The third communication technique that I like is avoiding the usage of always and never. And I know this, and I'm a big believer in practicing what I preach. So I'm constantly, intentionally using these communication techniques. And yet I find myself saying, but you always do this and you never do that, and none of it is true. It's never true that you always do something a certain way. So avoiding always and never is important because the moment you tell the person that you're speaking to, you always respond, react with defensiveness, or you always scream at me, or you always disrespect me, or you never are on time, or. Or you never assume responsibility. The moment that you said that, since it's not true, you lose that person. And then anything that you want to say after that loses credibility because you've already started with a statement that is not true. So always and never doesn't just hurt the person being judged, but it also removes credibility from you as a communicator, because that's it. Like, if you're. If you're going to. If you're going to say if you're going to. If the foundation of what you want to say is untrue, then whatever you say after that, whatever you build upon that is not going to be taken seriously. Another communication technique is the sandwich method. A lot of the people who have worked with me know this and know that I love it. The Sandwich method is the process through which we incorporate constructive feedback in a way that is better received by the person you're wanting to give the feedback to. So think of, like, think of you're in a keto diet and you haven't had bread in a long time, and bread is delicious. Maybe like a homemade sourdough bread. You want to start with the bread, the delicious bread. And. And what that would look like is you can praise the person. You can tell the person how much that person means to you, what good, like, what things they do that are good. Maybe sometimes it's not praise. Sometimes it's like asking for forgiveness. Apologizing. You can start with, you know, I'm sorry I screamed at you that way, or I'm sorry that I was so defensive when you spoke to me, or I'm sorry I disrespected you. I'm sorry I didn't assume responsibility. Whatever it is. Like, if you start with something positive, whether it's prai or apology or acknowledgement of something that the person did well, that opens the path for the person to want to listen to you. Typically, when you hear, you're right, I'm sorry, you're amazing. When you hear those things, you're like, tell me more. Tell me more. So it's attractive, it's engaging. It allows for the person to be in a place where instead of being defensive and with the. The boundary is high and walking on eggshells, or they're like, relaxed and they lean into the conversation. So the first part of the conversation where you're going to offer feedback is the bread. And the bread is the positive praise, apology. You're right. Then we go into the middle part, which is the feedback. The ham and cheese. If you're vegetarian or vegan, it could be the peanut butter jelly. So the middle of the inside of the meat of the sandwich is the feedback. So that's where you share, you know. So let's say the. Let's say you want to tell someone. Like, I'll share something from my husband. My husband, when we first met, my husband is super. Everybody's gonna think that my husband's perfect because of the way I talk about him. And he's perfect for me. So yes. And he's not perfect. But anyway, my husband is super organized, super tidy, more than me in many ways. And, And. But when we first met, he would go for a run and he would come back super sweaty and put his very, like, soaked shirt, soaked T shirt, you know, soaked in sweat in the hamper. So then it would, like, it would smell bad, and it would, you know, the entire. All the clothes would smell bad afterwards. So I was like, okay, I want to tell him about this, but I didn't want to say. You were always like, so, you know, like, you're a pig and you're always doing this. And I wasn't going to use always and never. It wasn't true. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to sandwich it. And when he came home, I told him, hey, baby, do you think you can. I told him I sandwiched it. And I said, like, hey, baby. Like, you know, like, I love how organized and clean you are and mindful and considerate of the, you know, the people who live with you. And he really is right. So I looked for something that was true. My, like, praising just to praise is not good. Like, we always do things in integrity. So I told him that, like, I love how you're all of these things and you're so considerate. And I've noticed that when you. When you come from Iran, you put the wet T shirt in the hamper, and that makes everything else sting. So can you please air it? Like, maybe put it on top of the Jacuzzi, like, air it for a little bit so that then when it's dry, we put it back in the hamper. And then after you give them the meat, you end with the bread, right? Like, there's two breads in this sandwich, and the bread is yummy, and the bread is. That second bread that's also positive is, like, encouragement, validation, like, trusting in the person's ability to make that happen or to make the change that you're asking of them. So after I told him about putting the shirt in a hamper, I tell him, like, and I know you love me, and I know you care so much, and, you know, cleanliness is, like, easy for you. So I just. I just wanted to tell you, but I know you're gonna do it, and I don't have to ever worry about it. So notice how I went from positive bread meat as a feedback. Like, hey, don't put the freaking wet T shirt in the. In the hamper. And then, like, you got this. So when you Sandwich now, I had. I did a workshop at a corporation once, and I was teaching them about this, and one of the people there was like, hey, I don't like that sandwich method. Give it to me like it is. Don't try to sugarcoat it. Don't try to go around it. Just. Just tell me what you're thinking, like, if you want to tell me I suck at something, just tell me. I don't want you to sugarcoat it. And I explained to her that the sandwich method is not about sugar coating or being not truthful. It's not about lying, like, oh, you're great, but you suck, but you're great. The sandwich method, I think the power it has is that it forces you as a communicator to look for something that is good about that person or in the case of an apology for something that you are accountable for. It's empowering to the communicator. And because you're now coming to the conversation with a reflection rather than reacting like, I'm pissed off because my assistant didn't do something right. So I'm going to communicate to her, I'm going to tell her you sucked and you did this wrong and you made a mistake and this is not okay and unacceptable. Well, instead of going like that, it gives me the opportunity to reflect on what is she really great at? Like, what did I assign to her that wasn't her strength? Like, I get to, I get to do that analysis first, which is empowering and accountable. And it allows me to take ownership. And then when I communicate it to her, it's not blaming, it's not shaming, it's not insulting, it comes from a place of love. It's truly constructive feedback. Because notice I didn't say criticism whenever you want to want to share criticism, like dress it up between two breads. I said constructive feedback. Criticism is just shaming the person, like putting the person down. Constructive feedback is about constructing the person, building the person of helping them become better. So it's not sugarcoating, it's. It's doing the work to analyze and reflect so that you take. Can take ownership and see the person in her wholeness and entirety as opposed to only focusing on the thing, the mistake, the bad thing, the wrong thing that the person do in a compartmentalized way. That's the power of the sandwich method. Then lastly, another communication technique that I love are the I statements. So I statements are when we come from a place of accountability and humility and we share with the person what we're feeling. I feel. Notice that when you put like after feeling, you're not going to say a feeling, an emotion, right? Like, I feel like you're always doing that. I feel like you didn't care. No, no, no. I feel sad, I feel frustrated, I feel not considerate, I feel shamed. I feel bl. Feel guilty. I feel after feel should always be an emotion. Now I feel like you don't care. No, no, no. That's not an emotion. I feel blank when you do blank. Because the story I tell myself, again, we're assuming responsibility, is that you don't care. So I feel like, let's say, you know, I have a serious situation with time. I don't know how to measure time really well. And sometimes I think I can do more things in the time that I have allocated to them. So then that ends that. That results of me in. Me being late or, yeah, me not being timely. And it drives my husband crazy. So let's say that I, you know, that my husband's super frustrated at me because I'm. I. He told me that we were leaving at 5 and it's 5:15 and I'm still doing my makeup. He may come to me. Well, at the moment, he may, like, come differently. But ideally, when we have a conversation about this, he can tell me, like, I feel not considered and I feel totally disregarded. When I tell you that we need to leave at 5, you say, okay, and then you're not ready by then. Because the story I tell myself is, you don't give a crap. And that's hurtful, right? So now he's not telling me you don't give a crap. You are always late because you're an inconsiderate piece of crap. He's not saying you, you, you, you, you. He is. He's using I statements to express what he's feeling while still assuming responsibility for the story he tells himself, which is part of what I'm going to discuss in the second part of this podcast. So I statements are empowering for the person saying them, and they feel a lot less attack. Like, it feels like less of an attack when the person is receiving it. It just, it allows you to take that ownership and be graceful in the conversation. So that's the. Those are like the communication techniques. But here's the thing. In communication, research says that 93% of communication is non verbal. So even if you paraphrase, never say always and never, and you validate and you do all these things, you can still fail at communication because 93% is the tone, the nonverbal language, all of that. Only 7% of communication is verbal. And from that 93%, 53% is body language. And then 38% is the tone of voice. And I know that for me, like, I am really good about implementing these techniques. So when I communicate with my husband, I'M very skillful. I'm very, very skillful. Very intentional, too. But then he still feels disrespected sometimes. And I'm like, but I didn't say anything wrong. I never curse. Like, you know, we. I was like, I don't understand. I did not disrespect you. Even though he did feel that. Feel disrespected at times. And I realized that for him, it's my tone of voice. I'm Puerto Rican. I may have mentioned that. I'm my mom's daughter. I'm loud, I'm passionate. So when I get excited about something, I raise my voice. Sometimes I'm like, my tone of voice is high, but of excitement. And my husband's like, lower your voice. Why are you screaming? Lower your voice. And I'm like, I'm not screaming. I'm not screaming. Do you think I'm screaming? I'm excited, right? Like, sometimes I'm excited because I'm passionate, and it's a positive thing. And sometimes I'm excited because I'm frustrated and I'm angry and, like, you know, like. But it's an excited tone of voice. That's what I like to call it. So when you master all the communication techniques and you still don't seem to have good communication, you get to learn a term that I coined fuse. This term was developed throughout my 25 years of clinical practice with couples because I was able to see firsthand what was the unique component of communication. Now, if you think of the word communication, it has three parts to it. Common, unique, action. In Spanish, it works so much better because it's communicacion. So there's an area, like, there's a part of it that is comun, common, unica, accion. And then action. So common, unique. And action communication has a common aspect to it. Like, you speak the English language and you can understand the words in English and in different cultures, you have certain body language that is understood by other people. So that's the common part. Then there's a unique part. And there's no research on the unique part, because if not, they would have to study every single individual on the face of the earth. So it didn't seem feasible. And there's not a lot of tools for the unique aspect of communication. And then action is the third part of that word. Come on. Unique. Action. Action is. It means that it. There's. There's a. There's an action being conveyed. There's like, you're wanting to convey a message from one person. To the other, and there's. There's an action taking place. It's a very active experience. Now, we know a lot about the common aspect. We know a lot about the action aspect, but what about the unique. We're unique individuals. Well, I'm going to solve that problem for you today, and that is Fuse. So let me tell you a story before we start talking about Fuse. I remember many, many, many years ago, my husband and I had, like. I was upset at him. I think we may have even been boyfriend and girlfriend at the time. I was upset at him, and he. And I really wanted to, like, speak to him about what I was feeling and why I was upset, but I was so scared of him invalidating me that I just didn't feel strong enough to tell him. So he notices that I'm a little, like, you know, acting weird, and he comes to me and he's like, what's going on? I'm like, I don't want to tell you because I'm scared that you will invalidate me. And you tell me that I'm trying to pick a fight and that I'm being dramatic and I'm not ready to feel that way to receive that. So, no, I don't think I can tell you. He's like, no, don't worry. So that was my way of disarming him and letting him know what was unacceptable if he really wanted me to tell him. So I disarmed him. And now he knows that he cannot invalidate me. He cannot tell me that I'm picking a fight, and he cannot tell me that I'm dramatic. So then we start the conversation, and I am killing it. Killing. I'm looking at him. I am paraphrasing. I am, you know, using. Not using always or never, rather, I'm using I statements. I am. I'm sandwiching it. I'm doing other things. I was like, I was incredible. I was so proud of myself. And I'm about to be done sharing what I was thinking and. And I am like, oh, my gosh. Like, he was looking at me intently, paying undividing, undivided attention, like he was present. And that was validating. I was like, oh, like he's totally understanding everything I'm saying. And then suddenly I stopped talking, and I just, like, pause so that he can apologize and validate and tell me how right I am and how wrong he was. And he's looking at me. I wish I could make his face. And he looks at me and he's like, are you crazy? Or is every woman like you and they just don't talk about was funny even at that moment. It was funny because he did it, like, so genuinely. He was so confused. And if you are a gentleman listening to me. I know, I know we are complicated. We women, we're complicated. If you are a woman listening to me, you're complicated just like me. The stories that we tell ourselves are so much more creative than the ones that men tell themselves. Generally speaking, there's a lot of exceptions. We can't really generalize. But anyway, my husband looked at me and thought I was crazy, and now I understand why there is a little crazy. He dedicated that song, I think. Is it a Morgan Wallen song? It's a country song. Like, beautiful, Crazy. Like, yes, I'm that person. Beautiful and crazy. So at that moment, I realized that the intention is not for my husband to think I'm not crazy. The intention is not for him to agree with me. Ultimately. The intention is for me to be able to communicate, like, freely and safely with him and for him to validate my feelings, even if he thinks they're completely irrational, while allowing for the communication, allowing for the exchange of ideas, allowing himself to get to know me and how I think better. And. And what's happened is that now he knows me so well because I have spoken, like, my heart, my mind, my darkest secrets. I've told him everything because I feel safe with him through validation. And now he can know. We can read each other's minds almost. He knows what I'm thinking, when I'm thinking it, why I felt the way I felt. He doesn't have to play Mind reading Day. The poor guy had to at the beginning of our relationship because he's allowed himself to listen. He's allowed himself to have these deep conversations, even though we don't see eye to eye in a lot of different topics and circumstances. Quick interruption. Just to let you know that I have opened up one spot for couples coaching. So if you have been wanting to elevate your relationship and transform your marriage, this is your big opportunity. I often am unable to accept new clients because I'm fully booked, but. And because this is the month of relationships, in the Faith and Growth podcast, I have made sure that I opened up this one spot. So if you're interested, just go to RequestASession.com and submit the form so that I can call you personally and learn how I can support you. Okay, back to the episode. So when conversations end before they even start, we don't have the opportunity to practice Communication techniques. And at that moment, Fuse comes in. Now let me tell you what is fuse. First of all, I coined it fuse because we tend to have a short fuse with people who push your buttons. And I thought it was very adequate to describe something that typically is not being considered when you become defensive before the conversation even starts. Fuse is also an acronym and it's the unique component of communication. You get to learn your skill, spouse's fuse, your boyfriend, girlfriend's fuse, your friend's fuse, your coworkers, your employees, your parents, your family members. Fuse. You get to learn all of their fuse so that you can communicate gracefully and build fulfilling relationships. The F in fuse stands for filter. Now think of the AC filter. When the air flows through this filter, it's going to leave the impurities in that filter so that the clean fresh air comes out on the other side. And then you get to inhale fresh air, clean air, and be super healthy, no allergies. It's awesome. But when there's been construction or the house hasn't been clean in a while, or the natural contamination of the day to day happens, then that filter is going to be really dirty. And when the air wants to flow through it, instead of going through the little holes of the net, it, it's going to pick up on the dirt that is in there and come out the other side with that dirt. So suddenly the air is not so fresh and crispy clean. Now your family's having allergies and there's a lot of dust and you can see it flying in the air, the particles. Well, the same thing is true with the filter that we as human beings have. And we don't even know we have a filter. But our filter is that process through which we interpret information when we're exposed to information, whether it's in the environment or through a person who's speaking to us, or something we read or listened to. Whenever our senses connect with new information or doesn't have to be new, we're going to process it just like the air through the filter of interpretation. And then the clean, crispy, fresh message is supposed to come out on the other side. And but many times it comes out dirty. There's a misinterpretation, there's a misunderstanding. You understood something completely different to what the other person intended to convey. And what happens with that is that our filters are dirty. But if we don't even know that we have a filter, how are we going to clean it? And the idea here is, I know that nowadays you can just remove A filter. Put a new one. But we're not removing our filters, we're just cleaning them. Why are we not removing our filters? Because our filter also has good contamination. So our filter holds our biases, our prejudices, our values, our morals, our beliefs, and many of those are good. In my filter, I have a ton of faith spread throughout. I have reframing tools in my filter which allows me to change the perspective into a positive one with which I'm looking at something. I have values. I have a ton of love. I have positivity. I have so many things in my filter that serve and support me that I don't want to get rid of, that I don't want to exchange it for a new one. I just want to be intentional about looking at my filter, creating awareness in my life so that I can choose what am I bringing from the baggage that I have inherited throughout my life and the experiences that I have interpreted or felt based on what I've gone through in my life, what do I want to keep of that and what do I choose to let go of and then do the work to remove that from my filter. So having said that, whenever, like, whenever you. That's why I love paraphrasing. Because if I interpret my husband saying like, hey, the fish is salty, if I interpret that as I'm not good enough, nothing that I do, it measures up to his standards. If I'm constantly interpreting that through my filter because I have a chip in my shoulder and it reflects on the filter, or I'm self conscious, or I'm insecure, or I lack confidence, I lack self, or I lack self worth, then all those things are in my filter. And when information comes in, I will interpret it. I will tell myself stories about that information that are not true, or at the very least weren't the ones that were intended to be conveyed. And I will say, even if the person intended to convey that and it is quote, unquote true, because the other person did want to insult me or say that if it goes through my filter and I am not self conscious, I'm not insecure. I know I don't lack self worth. I am going to feel bad for the person and be like, oh, poor person, she must be having a bad day. Or like, oh, you know, that's her orange juice. You should go back to that episode. I forget what number of the episode it is, but it's the one that I'm talking about. Taking ownership of your life and like, not letting anybody affect you. I want to say it's like around five or something like that. Anyway, so just for context, when I say the orange juice, what I mean by that is that when you squeeze an orange, what comes out of it is orange juice, regardless of who squeezes it. So when I'm interpreting or filtering something that a person said that was rude as their orange juice, what I'm saying is like, that's not mine, that's not for me, that's not who I am, that's theirs. And I get to push it back, return it, and let them own that. I don't need to feel offended by it. Right. So even if it was true, you can interpret it in a way that serves and supports and protects you. So that's the filter that you infuse. Stands for unconscious triggers. Unconscious means that we're not aware of them, as are many things in our life, unless you've done some work to really come to your consciousness and awareness. So unconscious means you're not aware. And triggers are those buttons that when people push on or they press, you explode. So those are like, so unconscious triggers are vulnerabilities that you're not necessarily fully aware or haven't taken ownership of that impact the way you respond or react to people. Right. So for example, oh, and by the way, there's usually to like help you discern what your triggers are. There's and, and start the process of bringing them to your awareness. Your triggers are typically one, there's, there's an umbrella set of triggers that contain two. And then from there they can look differently. But if you trace them back, like if you go deeper and deeper and deeper, typically they're connected to one of these two triggers. And those two triggers are I'm not good enough. And those are the people who feel like, oh my gosh, no matter what I do, it's never good enough for her. I'm never going to mess her up. Like, I'm not even going to try because I'm going to fail anyway. Like when you have all those experiences and feelings or, you know, you cleaned the house and your husband came in and the first thing that he said was like, oh, this cup is out of place. And you're like, really? I spent the whole day cleaning the house and all you could see is the one thing that I didn't get perfectly right. Like, we do that with our kids too. Like I, I do. Well, I'll speak for myself. I do that with my kids too. Like, my oldest chichi is one of the most incredible 16 year olds on the face of the earth. She's responsible. She has good judgment. She's. She's obedient in what she has to be obedient. I don't want her to be blindly obedient because I want her to be guided by the holy Spirit, not by the rest of society. She's helpful. She helps a lot with her siblings. She picks them up. She was Uber driver yesterday, picking up my son, taking. Like, taking him somewhere, like, doing all these things. Like, she's a. She tutors, she works. She just bought her own car with her own money. She's amazing, but she hates doing the dishes. And she's not great with housework in general, I should say. So whenever I see that she's not doing housework or having initiative to offer help and doing things that I think are important for us to learn and just be considerate of the people around us and be helpful and take initiative. Whenever she doesn't do one of those things, I am like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe you don't even ask. Offer help. And you're so comfortable, and you do everything you want. And. And I like my unconscious trigger of. Or like, I'm pushing her button, which is I'm not good enough. And by me shaming her, because that is a form of shaming, what I'm conveying is, like, no matter how amazing you are, Chi Chi, you're never gonna measure up. You're never gonna be good enough, and you better try to be perfect. And, like, not realizing it, I was demanding perfection. And the poor girl like, oh, I feel so bad even talking about this. I've come a long way, I think, right? Titi, if you're listening to this, can you tell me. But ultimately, like, when. When someone is telling you, hey, you know, you're not doing this right, but you do everything else awesome, and you feel triggered, you feel hurt, you feel defensive, you feel shamed. Your unconscious trigger is, most likely, I'm not good enough. The other unconscious trigger is, I don't matter. And that's the one that I struggle with. And that's typically one. Like, usually when you have that trigger, you feel not considered. Like, people are not taking you into account. Like, they're not going out of their way to support you. You know, I grew up learning to give to others and do for others to earn love and attention. So my parents knew that I was like, even if they did something, like, if they went over me, like, I don't know, like, for example, I lived in their apartment, their beach apartment. When I was doing my doctorate and there were times I had all my things there, all my belongings, and there were times that like family members were coming from out of town and they would offer my apartment and I'm like, I'm living here, These are my things. Like, why are you offering my place? Like, this is where I'm at. Like, just, can you ask me? Maybe there's a little entitlement because I was living there for free. Maybe, I don't know. But I felt like they weren't considering me, they weren't taking me into account. And my thought was like, they know that I'm going to bark for five minutes and then I'm going to be okay because I cannot be in resentment and anger and you know, I can't live like that. And they knew it. So I felt like they were taking advantage of me or I don't know. I find out through my mother in law that we're going somewhere, that we have plans, and I'm like, baby, why didn't you tell me? Like, why do I have to find out through your mom? Why didn't you consider me or a client? This happened before. I've come a long way, but a client was late two sessions and that meant that I impacted the rest of my schedule and every client that came thereafter. And I felt like, oh my gosh, why can't they come here? Let me know and why are they not considering me? So whenever you feel really bothered by things like what I just explained, or if somebody doesn't show up to your event or to your birthday or didn't call you and you're like, oh my gosh, they don't care. They don't care about me. They didn't follow up or follow through. Whenever you're really annoyed, like, the reactions in unconscious triggers are typically greater than you can manage with ease, right? Like they're like, they're hard to manage. So whenever you feel really strongly about something like that, then you're most likely from the I don't matter unconscious trigger. The idea of unconscious triggers is not to be perfect and never be triggered. Good luck with that. The idea is to become aware. I am very aware of what I'm aware of my emotional responses, like my bodily responses. I know when I feel triggered, I know what happens in my body. So as soon as it happens nowadays, I'm able to be like, oh, okay, that's mine, that's mine. I felt triggered. And as soon as I feel that, it's like I already get the memo, like that's my trigger. That's mine. That's not what the person did. That's, that's the way I received it, the way I filtered it, the way I experienced it. So in that moment I can choose how to respond instead of just react. Reactions are for animals. Animals react, but we're human beings and we have the ability to respond. We're responsible, we're response able. So the idea is that when you become aware of, of your unconscious triggers, then you can reclaim your power over that trigger and decide, am I going to let this take over and react like an animal, like with irrational emotions? Or am I going to choose how to respond and then I can still process what I felt. That doesn't mean like that we're just going to brush it, sweep it under the rug. You can still go and process it with your coach, with your therapist, with your loved one or a friend or even the person that you're speaking to. I would do that with my husband. I would tell him like, hey baby, when you said this, this is what I felt, this is what I thought. This is a story I told myself. I know that's crazy, I know I'm wrong. But just so that you know a little bit of how I think. And that allowed us to get to know each other so much better and really like connect in a deeper way. So you infuse is unconscious triggers. The power of becoming aware is that you get to reclaim your power and choose how to respond. And that no longer controls you, now you control it. But you will still feel them. Like I still feel like, you know, a little bit of, a little bit of a sting. With certain triggers. There are others that I've overcome completely. Like the someone being late for a session or someone canceling last minute. Like I. Those are like very minimal for me these days. Like me finding out through my mother in law that I have plans with my husband. Like those things don't bother me as much anymore. But some catch me by surprise, some that I haven't had a lot of experiences with that are like come disguised in a new way. Those may catch me, you know, off base and I may see, still feel the sting. But I have a choice now. I'm not controlled by it. The S in style. I'm sorry? The S in fuse stands for style. And style is the language, the way in which we feel comfortable, the framework, the way in which we feel comfortable communicating, interacting. So you may have heard about the five love languages. The five love languages are part of style. So that's the way I feel loved. And just as a review, if you've never heard them, the five love languages are acts of service. That's when you feel loved or you love by doing things for the other person, by taking things. Like when people do things, take things off your plate, like helping around the house, picking up the kids, running errands for you, taking things off your plate to support you. That's a way of doing acts of service, cooking for you, all those things. Then there's gifts, which is you feel loved or you love by receiving or giving gifts. And those gifts can be expensive and fancy, or they can be like a thoughtful gesture. The quality time is the third love language. And that's when you feel loved by spending quality time with undivided attention. And it's not so much about how long, but how deep, right? It's quality over quantity. Then there's physical touch. That's when you feel love because you, when, when you're touched, when you're caressed. And that includes, you know, sex, sex and intimacy. But it also includes, like touching the hair, holding hands, hugging, like putting, putting the shoulder on your person when you're sitting down. Like, just touch, touch, touch, touch. And your kids too, right? Like, you get to learn the love language of your kids as well. And the last love language is words of affirmation. And that's when you feel loved through words because somebody told you, like, you're beautiful. Thank you so much. They validated you verbally. Like, oh, wow, that must be so hard. That, like, I'm sorry you're going through that. Thank you for doing this. Like, oh, you look great. Like, just speaking the words and they can be written or they can be verbal. So those are the love languages. And that's part of style. But style is also the way you feel comfortable communicating. Like, for example, like, I like to, like, let's say I like to speak in the moment and, or. And then my husband likes to wind down, like cool down and then talk about it later when he's able to process and think it through. There are other people who are like, like, like to express it verbally. Others who like to write letters. There are people who are open books. Like, I'm an open book, like, I'll tell you anything and everything. And my husband is more of like a dirty laundry at home. And I don't need to tell everybody on all social media about my life. So, you know, when you have different styles, the style, if they're different, and they could further hinder the interaction of their Communication. So to give you an example, I had a couple whose wife, like, the wife had, like, a deep sense of abandonment from her dad after divorce. And she was an I don't matter kind of person. That was her trigger. And every time, like, that, like, her dad left a lot. Like, every time there was a problem, he would leave and not come back. And she had that, like, that sense, sense of abandonment. So when she was arguing. And also her style was to speak in the moment, to, like, vomit. So she would say all sorts of things, like, without measuring, like, her words. And she was having an argument with her husband, and she, like, started, like, cursing at him, telling him all these horrible things. And that was her way of, like, ah, I feel better. Feel better because I got it out. But now the husband got it in and he is freaking out. And he had a little bit of Asperger's. It's not called Asperger's anymore. He was in the spectrum and he had a hard time communicating, so he stopped. And instead of cursing back at her and screaming at her louder, he grabbed the baby and went for a stroll around the neighborhood. And when she saw that he left, she freaked out even more. She felt abandoned. She was triggered. Like, she felt abandoned. She was also triggered by the. By his response because in his perspective, he is wanting to respect her. So he went to cool down, to cool off, and, you know, to process a little bit so that he could be more appropriate and, you know, speak in a healthier manner when he came back. But in her perspective, he left her. He abandoned her. He. Like, he's. He's ignoring her. So that style, that difference in style further hindered the situation. And when he came back, like, they had even forgotten what they were arguing about originally, and she was just pissed that he left. So when. When we have a difference and. And notice how in that example, you can see how she filtered the information, how she was triggered by his response, and how the style of cooling off instead of speaking immediately and cursing and disrespecting got in the way of their interaction, their communication. So what's your style? How do you prefer to communicate what feels comfortable and what feels safe? Communicate that to your person and learn what your person likes too, so that you guys can make an effort to communicate or at least come to a middle ground where you can honor both of yourselves. This happens with the love languages, and you get to learn other love languages and you get to learn other ways of communicating. And then lastly, the E infused stands for expectations. And I had a client who came to me, and she was also working on her marriage. And she says, you know, Betsy, I'm here because my husband doesn't do this. And he didn't do that. And he didn't that. This other day. Like, I wanted him to respond. Respond this way, and he didn't. And, And. And he's. He's not doing all the things that I want him to do. And I'm like, okay, but what did he do wrong? Well, I'm telling you that he doesn't do. He doesn't bring me flowers, and he didn't. He doesn't give me, like, he doesn't give me my place in front of other people and does. He doesn't speak up for me. And he didn't bring me McDonald's when he went to McDonald's. And he. I'm like, yeah, but what did he do? Well, he didn't. And she thinks I'm an idiot because I keep asking, like, what did he do? But she kept on telling me what he didn't do that she wanted him to do, and she accepted, expected him to do. So. A lot of the problems in a relationship come from unmet expectations. Not from something that the person did wrong, but something that the person didn't do right according to my standards. I've heard other stories where, like, this woman was on a diet and eating super healthy, and the husband was out in the street, and he called the kids and said, like, hey, guys, I'm stopping at McDonald's. Do you want something? The kids told him, and he didn't call the wife. And the wife, when he came home, when he came home without food for her, was like, you went to McDonald's and you didn't ask me what I wanted? And he's like, you're on a diet. You hate McDonald's, you don't want McDonald's. He's like, yes, but if it were me, I would have asked you. And it's considerate of you to at least ask. And we are complicated sometimes because we're wanting the person to do what we would have done for them, even though we're not them. And if you would have wanted someone just like you, you should have married yourself. That's what I tell myself when I have unmet expectations. We cannot create a person to our image and likeness. We get to welcome, accept, and train. We can influence, we can train, we can inspire, we can teach them. But it's not mind reading. They. So if at any given moment you have an expectation, set it up like Set the other person up for success by telling them, like, hey, this is what I expect you to do. Nowadays in my business, for example, I have, like, detailed descriptions of. They're called scorecards of my employees, right? So if I'm going to hire someone, I have a detailed description of what I expect that person to be to do the outcomes that I'm wanting them to create. It's all super clear so that my expectations are aligned with them. And then when I evaluate their performance, I can do so in a way that's fair. It's fair to them. And there's awareness on both parties as to, okay, this is what's expected of me. So in which ways have you set people up for failure? By expecting something from them. Like, with our kids, like, hey, make good decisions with your phone. Like, when I. I remember people saying that, like, like, oh, I told them to make good decisions. Their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed when they're teenagers, so they cannot think, discern, process, make decisions the way we can. And even we, as adults screw up so many times. So when I. When I gave my kids a phone, I. I told them, like, I want you to make good decisions with the phone. And this is what that means. And I literally sat down and gave them like a. 10, like 10 items of what it means to make good decisions with a phone. And I went, like, I had. I had done a teens group where. Where I taught my teens how to make good decisions with their technology. So I went one by one and I gave examples that my teens had given me so that they understood when I say make good decisions, these are the things that I'm talking about. These are the expectations that I'm hoping that you will meet. So, again, unmet expectations often hinder relationships, and we get to teach people exactly what it is that we expect or manage our expectations through acceptance and love and humility and accountability and all that good stuff that I shared in last week's podcast. So that's views for you. I hope it serves your relationships. I hope it helps you communicate more effectively and have fulfilling, loving relationships that caress your heart and get you excited about spending that time together. I love you. Have a beautiful day. Bye. That's it for today's episode. I loved, loved, loved spending this time with you. So thank you for joining me. If somebody came to mind while you were listening, bless them with this episode, send it to them. And if you may, please subscribe and leave a review. Those are really helpful to help us spread the message. And if you want to grow in faith and wisdom. Join me@faithandgrowth.com thank you for spending this time with me. Love you. Bye.