How I Survived Divorce After Infidelity and Found God Again

What if the very thing you thought would break you actually brought you Back to life?

2018, the year of the great Fire. And it was the year that I discovered my husband of 20 years being unfaithful and realizing that the best option for me, for him and our family, was to get divorced. It brought me so much closer to God and it helped me become more of who I am. One of the greatest gifts I received was the pain of 2018.

My friend. Today I am going to introduce you to one of the most beautiful humans on the face of the earth, Luli B. Carreras, who was also my first ever business coach, who, who has taught me a lot of what I know in business and in life and who has inspired me, deeply inspired me with her ability to rise when life happened and to use her pain and her lessons to guide and elevate everybody around her, even when it was really raw. Luli is a really, really, really special person in my life. To her, I owe much of who I am and I am really excited to share her with you as she tells her story of divorce, heartbreak and redemption. So help me welcome the one and only Luly B. Hello.

Hello. I am so excited to be here.

Betsy, and I'm so happy you're here. Thank you for joining us.

Absolutely.

Let me tell you about you first.

Okay.

Luli, you are grace, you are wisdom, you are love. I came to you because I was looking for a business coach that would teach me how to impact more people, how to, how to do a better job at this thing called business and entrepreneurship. And, and I remember from the moment I sat with you in that first mastermind, you taught me about life, I was going to you for business. The first thing that I, that I. You asked something about my salary or like how much money I made my income last the previous year. And, and I, I was laughing at myself and in a very self deprecating way and I was like, oh Yeah, I made $20,000. Like. And you were really serious and you looked at me and said what else did you do last year? And I was like, oh, I was remodeling a house and the keys. She's like, so you were the gc? Totally. I would go every day and come back and floor and decor and back to the keys and then pick up the kids and. And she's like, huh, what else? Well, you know, I have to drop off the kids and I pick them up and, and she's, you're like huh? And I kept on telling you all the things that I was doing like cooking and cleaning and laundry and. And then you did the math. You were like, well, a GC would have cost $60,000 and hiring a nanny would have caused, I don't know, 20,000, maybe more. Probably more. $20,000. And you kept on doing the math and you were like, so. So you're a six figure producer. And I was like, when you put it that way, yes, I am. And from the beginning, you did not give me permission to put myself down and to undermine the things that I did do that I didn't get paid for. And to not emphasize the numbers, but rather the impact, the experience. And can I tell you more about you?

Sure.

A little more. A little more. Just a few lessons I got from you because I want you listening to hear them too. I want you to know Luli showed me that when you build a business, you build it around your priorities. Your business is supposed to serve you, not for you to be a servant of your business. So from the beginning, she showed me how to build something that would allow me to impact others and serve, but with love and joy, not resentment, because then I would end up resenting the business. And she also taught me that you show up for one the way you show up for 3,000. Every time I would do a workshop and three cats would show up. I don't mean to call you cats. Those of you who went, you know, it's an expression in Spanish, maybe it doesn't sound right in English, but like three people would show up and I'd be complaining, or I sold the program and it was just a couple people. And she was like, you honor the one person, how you honor the a hundred people. And that stayed with me, and that forms me, and it gets to form you too. And then another thing that you taught me, Luli, is grace. And that's what I would love to focus on today. Okay, you went. I got to watch you and witness you in real time. You went through pain, excruciating pain. And I lived it and felt it alongside you. And I remember you setting the intention, and I'm big on setting intentions of grace. You decided you were going to go through it with grace. So can you tell us a little bit about what was that story? How did Grace show up? And any lessons that came from that? Sure, but not a loaded question at all.

But there was like 18 questions in one.

But.

But before I do, I think it's important that I also talk a little bit about you. I think the way that you showed up in that period in Your life. And in that stage of your life, you were very intentional with the way that you wanted to serve. And you were also very open to doing things differently and. And seeing how you could be inspired to do things differently because your intention was always to be of service. So the Betsy that we get to witness now is very much a human being that has been preparing and training for this moment. So I want to honor that and acknowledge that because you. You've definitely done the work.

You taught me well.

Yeah. Thank you. So, you know, when. When I went through what I went through, I did set an intention, and. And I don't know that I fully remember the moment when I said the first time, I said, I want to be the face of grace and peace. Those are the two things that I want to make sure that I am. That I exude, and that I experience in. In this process. Those were. Were very, very important to me. So I call that year the 2018, the year of the Great Fire. And it was the year that I discovered my husband of 20 years being unfaithful in our marriage and realizing that the best option for me, for him and our family, was to get divorced. And that was really, really painful because I believe in marriage. And I also wanted to make it work. And I had often heard people, even before my own experience, but I still hear this today. Right. I wanted to save my family. And I thought that saving my family meant stay married, and that meant that I needed to do whatever it took. And so I'm a person that, you know, very much like you, that if I know what I need to do or if I don't know, I'll hire someone that knows, and they will train me, and I will. Will do the work, and I will train as if it was a marathon, and I'm willing to show up and make it happen and do the work. But what I also learned in the process is that two people need to be willing to do the work. And there was only so much that I could do.

I want to interrupt you real quick because I witnessed that.

Yeah.

And I disagree a little bit in that two people need to do the work at the beginning. At the beginning, you can be the one man show that initiates the work and takes on the load 100%, which you did. You're a testament of that. Eventually, the idea is that you will inspire the other person to jump in, and then, yes, eventually, you do need ultimately for both of you to be in it and doing the work. But at the beginning, I want to emphasize that you were doing the work alone. And that is very possible. Like, if it's meant to be, if it's in God's will, what will happen is that by you doing the work, the other person is inspired and drawn to join in, and then together, you complete the work. And you did not leave any stone unturned. You did the work. What did that look like?

I think that looked like a lot of introspection, a lot of receiving love and support and therapy. Right. Finding experts and surrounding myself with people that knew what I didn't know and could give me that perspective. You know, I. We often hear that you don't see the lid of the jar that you're in. And for sure, in that time in my life, I wasn't seeing the lid of the jar that I'm in. And I think I. I got so focused on saving my marriage. And I think the reason why I'm saying that was because I think I did save my family, and I saved my family in a different way. And I got to redefine just the same way that I help women redefine success, and I help them see that success is not linear. And success looks differently in your business and in your life at different stages and phases. I got to see that I could redefine success with my family. As much as it still pains me today that I don't have, I did not raise my children the way that I was raised, which was, you know, my parents were married until my father passed. Right? And I. And I had, you know, a home with a mother and a father living together. Right. I wanted that so badly for my children, and it didn't work out that way for us. And I got to redefine what a successful family could look like, what the opportunities were to teach my sons grace, and probably even more importantly, resilience, because I see the young men that they've become, and so much of who they are is because of what we went through as a family.

Luli, you. You're a woman with a strong character, with, like, very resilient, very capable. You're. You're. You're a strong woman. And this was hard. You. You. You were running a business. You were leading other women. You were raising young boys. Like, how does a strong woman handle such a curveball and such adversity?

First of all, you know, I don't like that word strong because I don't like the word strong because I. I'm a human like everybody else. I had my moments on the bathroom floor, curled up in the Fetal position for hours. I had panic attacks. I had moments in the car where I had to pull over because I couldn't catch my breath. I had all of these moments. And I think at times, and I know you and I have talked about this privately, we've had these very, very human moments. And while I appreciate people seeing me for that strength, that strength doesn't come from me. That's not me. That's my Lord. That's, you know, God does that, not me. And I just think it's important to just express and remind people and acknowledge my humanity is that this was hard and this did break me, but it broke me open. And I love the quote from Leonard Cohen that says, it's only through the broken parts that the light shines through. And that's exactly what happened, is I allowed my light, the light that God blessed me with, to shine through in all of the broken parts, because I did feel very broken. I felt like I was letting a lot of people down. I let myself down. I let my then husband down. I let my kids down. I felt. I felt this way. I very much felt this way. And I. I also, you know, for a hot minute, worried about what other people were going to say or think about me in that, you know, in that year or two of. Of great darkness. And I think because I surrounded myself with people like you, the people I call multipliers, I. I was able to build upon this pain and use this as, you know, as you talk about using pain as fertilizer and God, did I get a lot of fertilizer.

How did grace show up during those dark times? Like, what even is grace? What is grace?

I would say grace is compassion, grace is patience, grace is empathy, and grace is love. And it was really, really important to me that I stay focused on hating the sin and not the sinner, hating the action and not the person. And almost like keeping my eye on the prize, which was while all of this was happening, right? The separation, even the way that I managed the divorce, I was able to manage pro se mediation, which means we did not have attorneys. It did not get contentious. That was really, really important to me that I stay focused on what really mattered. And that was a question I asked myself a lot, is what matters the most in this moment? And I'd be lying if I said that. You know, there were times that I was tempted. I was tempted to stick it to him or, you know, embarrass him or speak ill of him, because again, I'm. I'm human. I wanted at Times to do that very, very badly. Right. That was the. The human side of me. But I'm grateful that because I had set that intention of grace and I had the people that I had around me, I. I could make phone calls or make requests, you know, of. Can I. Can I have this very human moment with you for three minutes and say those things or imagine those things so that then I could release them?

Community. I'm hearing community. You had people that you could go to that would support you through this and allow you to remain in grace, which was your intention. Right. Like, you wanted to show your kids even.

Yes.

Like, for a long time, you didn't say what had happened, how it had happened, which would have been great if you would, you know, like, hey, this is the truth. Right. And. And they were asking, like, why didn't you fight Mom? Not knowing. I tried. I did. Yeah. And. And still. Still you remain. Remain silent. Because silence was grace, and you wanted that for your children. When you. You mentioned how people were supporting you, can you. Can you share a little bit about community and being in alignment, having relationships that are in alignment with. With where you want to be? Yeah. The values that you stand for, for sure.

And I think that this is so important, and so many of the. The women that I coach, the women in my community and, And a lot of the work helping women accept love and support and receive this kind of. This level of love and support. So I'm grateful that I got to really model that in a really, really big way. You know, if you go through my notes on my. On my phone, you'll see a list, and the list says support. And if you knew me back then and even today, but especially during the time that we're talking about this, this stage that I was in, in my life, and you said to me, I'm here for you if you need anything. You went on a list. You went on a list. And there were moments that I needed somebody to just be on the other line. I remember this one moment. I. I was in Palm beach for a keynote address, and I had to speak about perspective. And I remember the night before the keynote, I was invited to the fancy reception with all of the corporate clients and all the sponsors and Google and Microsoft, and I got elevator, and I just felt like I was going to explode and got into the elevator and looked at my list, looked at my notes on my phone and said, who can I call? Who. Who can support me right now in this moment? I just need somebody on the other line because I just need to cry. And a good friend of mine listened to me for probably 13 minutes. All I did was sob and all she did was listen and breathe in and breathe out. And I think it's, you know, you want to talk about grace. That's. Grace is allowing people to love and to support you. You know, the Bible tell tells us that in giving we receive, but I also believe that in receiving we give. We give people an opportunity to express their love to us in that receiving. And there were a lot of what you call holy moments in this. There were so many sacred moments.

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You know that Easter, you came to my house that Easter night because my kids were with their dad on a ski trip. The spring break vacation that we would have every single year as a family. That was the first year we didn't have that. And Easter Sunday, I called you and I had the courage to call you, and I was okay with however you could show up for me. And you showed up for me in a big way. You showed up in your pajamas and we sat in my family room and cried for, I think, two or three hours, you know, and I think getting to model that for others and being able to show people, not just women, but men too, that we are worthy of this love and worthy of this support is really, really important.

So, Luli, what would you say to someone who's thinking right now, well, good for you. You had those people. But I don't. I'm alone. I don't have a person that I can go to.

I. I would say chances are you do, you probably do. You just don't realize it. And the thing that I also say is, like, we get to give people the first right of refusal. And what that means is we get to be okay with whether or not the person is available to us in that moment. And we get to have these conversations and we get to be clear about what support looks like. Not always when I needed to speak to somebody was that Person available for me. So then I either called somebody else or I prayed. Maybe this is a moment where I get to do this alone, which was very scary for me. For me, because being alone for me is one of the hardest things to do. So yet so healing, yet so healing and so hard all at the same time. So for those that might feel that they are alone, I would invite them to really look at the people around you in your life. And if you're still feeling like you don't have that, maybe it's time for an opportunity to, to cultivate that. You know, all too often we will, we'll say things like, well, this person never calls me. Well, let's do some introspection. Do you call them, do you create the space or the experiences to cultivate these experiences? Are you a part of a church group? Are you involved in your community? Are you saying yes to invitations? Whether that's to a gathering or to your church group or, or going out for walks with friends, finding things that you love to and doing that with people that are like minded.

You do that really well. Oh my goodness. Luli, you're the kind of person that you ask someone for a favor and then not only is it like, yes, yes, pick me, pick me. But once you pick me, I feel like, can I pay you for this? Can I pay you for letting me do you a favor? Like how, like how do you manage to not just build community, but engage in a relationship that makes them, makes me. I'm one of those people in your community. Like, you ask me for something and it's a resounding yes, always. And then I feel like she picked me. I'm the lucky one. How do you do that? Is it a mindset? Is it a gift? Is it, is it a skill set? Like, like, literally, like. Let me just, let me just give you an example. Luly has an event, a personal development event for women, an empowerment event in which she asks people like me and everybody who's ever been part of her mastermind, the boost to help her, right? Like, so we, we, we go and we help her. We like help manage a table and we help with. And then she asks us to buy a table. So then we pay for 10 seats, we buy a table. And so we're working for her, we're paying for our tickets. And then we're like, oh my goodness, I'm so lucky. And you feel, it just, it feels so. And then, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's more, there's more. But wait, there's more. And then when she's selling her program from stage, in the event, I tell everybody they need to buy, like, because I do believe in what you share. So, you know, when you believe in something, you want to share it with the world. So I will be on top of people insisting that they buy your thing, because they're missing out if they don't. And I want them to be blessed. So, of course, I want to bless you with more business, but I want to bless the people who are going to receive you.

That's right.

So how do we create that? What is the secret?

Love. Love is the secret. It's rooted in love. It's rooted in abundance. And it's not about me. As much as I have the beautiful dress and the lights and the camera and the makeup and all of those things, it's not about me. I'm just a vehicle. I'm just an instrument. That's all I am. And I think when you can separate that and know that. That, you know, we were all put on this earth to share our gifts with the world, and those gifts come with different skills and talents and abilities, and I believe that it is our duty and our responsibility to share them with the world. And that is what I am doing. I am in. So I'm so aligned, and there's so much integrity. It's rooted in love. It's rooted in abundance.

Abundance? Yeah, that word.

And that's what creates that space.

What does that mean? What does abundance mean in that context?

Yeah, you know, there's enough business for everybody. There's enough attention for everybody. There's enough celebration for everybody. You know, I think when I have a post it in my desk that. That says, you're not Jesus Christ, and it helps me remember I'm not that big of a deal, and I'm not here to save anybody. Right. And so in that context, it's like, I'm not that big of a deal. I'm. I'm just an instrument. I. I'm just a reflection. I'm just a light. And I think because I can detach, and I've worked really hard on this, and really, if I was being really honest, the Great Fire of 2018 is what helped me be like this. If you met me before 2018 and you're watching this, you're probably like, that's not who you are. This transformed me because I allowed it to transform me.

How were you before?

I was rigid. I was all about results and making it happen and very linear.

Control freak.

A thousand percent. I still am I still am in recovery. In recovery.

Well.

And I think with a good sense of awareness of where it shows up and why it shows up, and it shows up for me because I'm afraid. It's one of my biggest triggers. The not knowing is a very big fear of mine. And so, because I don't want to ever get caught not knowing, I want to be able to anticipate and in anticipation, I want to control. And then this incredible blessing happened to me of sleeping next to somebody for a year where I did not know what was going on. Right. And so I saw that as much as we think we're under control, you know, we have it all under control. We really don't. Right. But going back to the love and the abundance, because I think that's a really important topic. And, you know, we're talking about how I've created this space for people to show up to my event and be. And be happy that they. I picked them.

Right.

Like you say. And I think so much of that is because when I meet people truly and wholly and with 100% of my being, I want to be of service to that person. I am not looking at what can this person do for me? Who do they know that they can connect me with? Are they a good client for me? Those things will happen naturally later. But I truly interact with people of how can I be of service to them or who can I connect them with? How can I bless their life? And a result of that is surrounding myself with people who are going to do that right back to me. You know, you and I have often talked, especially with, you know, with Caro, the three of us, when we talk. And so many people might see us as. As competition or not understanding how we refer each other our clients. And the truth is we can do that because we are rooted in love and in abundance, and we want what's best for the people that we serve. For us, it's never about the dollars and the cents and the quantity. It's always about the quality. And I think because I've aligned myself with people like you, with people like Caro, with so many women in South Florida who are of that abundance mindset, I get to fill up my event with so much grace, with so much love, and with so much ease.

Luli, where are you at right now with regards to abundance of love?

So I am remarried to this extraordinary human being. And I think the thing that I love about him the most is that he loves God. And he is so extraordinarily faithful. In fact, I think before I met him, you would be number one most faithful person and, like, the person that, like, totally exudes faith. And I think the two of you are tied for first place now. He's a really big deal.

I'll take it. I'll take it.

He has. He just. He just exudes faith. He's just such a faithful man. He just. He sees me, and we have a really, really special relationship. And I'm grateful that I allowed love back in. I did not think I was ever going to do that. I thought that I wanted to protect myself so badly from that heartbreak and that kind of pain again. And it was you who reminded me that this could happen to me again and I would be just fine because I proved to myself that if I was able to get through that pain, I could really get through anything. And so I did. I allowed love back in in a really, really special way. We have a blended family, in all sense of the word.

What do you mean?

Well, he has two sons. I have two sons. It's an interracial marriage, too, which creates all kinds of hard.

Black is what you're trying to say.

Yes. He's, you know, he's African, French, and. And it's just really beautiful the way that we've been able to blend our lives, blend our cultures, and. And the one thing that we haven't had to blend is our values.

So you say that what you love about him the most is that he. He's a man of God. He's a man of faith. It's interesting because when I first met Gino, Gino is his name. When I first met Gino, he had me at hello. It was like the God in me recognized the God in him. I saw him and I was like, luli, you cannot fake this. He's the real deal. And I remember you being scared, right, because when you experience betrayal, you don't just lose your marriage, you lose yourself. You lose. It's not just the trust of the marriage. Is trust in oneself. Like, if. If I didn't. If I missed this, am I capable of choosing right a second time? Right. There's. There's a lot of that distrust in oneself. And I remember you being like, what if? And I was like, nah, not him. Like, you know, it, like, soothes. So having said that, because this is a faith and growth podcast, why don't you. Why don't we wrap this up by you sharing a little bit of what does faith mean to you and how has it shown up in your life? And how has it impacted your life.

So I would say that one of the greatest gifts I received was the pain of 2018. And the reason why I can call it a gift now is because it brought me so much closer to God, and it helped me become more of who I am. And I think it was in that faith, right? It was in that. In that year that I got so close to God. And it's really wild that so many of us, right, so many of the people that you speak to, so many of the. Of your guests will at one point share that moment in their life that they got closer to God. And I'd be willing to bet my house that the majority of the time, it's through really, really hard moments and moments that you. You can't fathom, you can't understand. It feels unfair. You feel like. But I did everything right. I did everything right, and it still didn't work.

Work.

And I think that's where we get to put it in God's hands and not ours. And as a recovering control freak, I get to remember, as somebody that loves to plan, I get to remember that my plan for my life is nowhere near how great God's plan is for my life. And it's in that faith that I want to live. And my little, tiny, puny human brain wants to fight God sometimes. And I get to remember that I. I can't compete with him. I can't compete with him.

Amen to that. God's plan for you is always better than your own.

That's right.

Than your own. Yeah. So, Luly, you. I am your girl, Eve. So I've been doing this in the podcast, and I. I learned this from you. Like, you do a lot of networking events, and they're the best because you don't have to feel socially awkward. They're like, okay, what do I do? Who do I talk to? Do I give out my business card? You create these activities, and one of the things that you do is you have a say. I'm your girl. If so, whose girl are you for? Right? Like, who do you serve that could benefit from your wisdom and your experiences and. And where do they find you?

So I'm your girl. If you feel like you're all over the place, if you feel like you have so many ideas, maybe you have a business or you have a side hustle, or maybe there's. God has put something in your heart and you know that you are meant to create massive impact. You're just not sure how. I'm your girl. If you want to Be surrounded by community if you want awesome connections, whether or not you become a client. I'm good with that. I'm happy for you to come to my Cafe Conluli, meet amazing people, come to spark, join my newsletter, get connected on social media. But most importantly, I am your girl if you are awesome because I am a magnet for awesomeness. So everybody in my life is awesome. And so I love to connect and I love to curate experiences and community. So I'm your girl if you want community and you want awesome experiences that can help you build a business and life of significance.

And where can they find you?

They can find me. I am Super Active on LinkedIn and Instagram and I am heluliebee on Instagram like the Beyonce and it's T H E L U L Y B on Instagram and then Lulibee Carreras on LinkedIn. My website is lullyb.com or you could just hit up Betsy and she can do a text intro.

Yes. Yes. Thank you, Luli.

This was so special. I love you and thank you for.

Sharing your gifts with us because you've taught me everything I know. So thank you, thank you, thank you. So if you are going through pain, if you are experiencing the hard moments of life, know that healing doesn't come from avoiding that pain. Healing comes from embracing it, feeling it, and then surrendering it to God. Don't forget to include God in the process so that you may experience at least peace while you rise above this and allow yourself to be rebuilt, to become who you were created to be. That's it for today's episode. I loved, loved, loved spending this time with you. So thank you for joining. If somebody came to mind while you were listening, bless them with this episode, send it to them. And if you may, please subscribe and leave a review. Those are really helpful to help us spread the message. And if you want to grow in faith and wisdom, join me@faithandgrowth.com thank you for spending this time with me. Love you. Bye.